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19 hours ago, AngelsSin said:

 

Thanks! That is the plan once I get back on my feet, I need to work and build up enough money to move far away. COVID in some ways helped cause at least I have my own place now but it also derailed my plans to get back to work since I'm high risk and everything was closed down. I most glad to be away from my brother he was constantly threatening to snap my neck. He truly scared me. I never knew when he would snap and he would focus on me to terrorize. My mom isn't anywhere near as bad as him but she never stopped his behavior did nothing to protect me she let him get away with it and would then blame me. It was pure insanity.

You might consider going to Alanon for help/support in dealing with this situation. When it is available again in your area, of course. 

 

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ive felt extremely trapped in my situation for years. i have no idea what to do about it. i believe that change starts in you, but i also acknowledge that everyone needs support. but i feel like i dont ever have any support. no matter how many online friends, or real-life acquaintences (im a fairly social person, just not one that people seem to... really like. in school, id talk to nearly everyone, but the only thing id really consistently have going for me was that polite small talk as a response only for nobody to really have interest. my old friend group up and ditched me over a year ago, id been friends with them for years and the just left.) try to give me kind words, or say i'll make it through, just having to wait it out is the worst feeling in the world. my heart sinks when i think about how much ive had to go through, im only 17, and how much of it ive had to go through alone

 

my mother, ive only recently realized after so many people telling me how awful she was when id tell them what she did, is... just straightup abusive. and i hate how long it took me to realize, because most of the time she acts fine. but sometimes she just... snaps, and says the most awful things. she wouldnt educate me on mental health, and i used to be such an anxious kid, it was really awful. my anxiety was literally through the roof but i didnt know it was anxiety because i didn't... know what that was. for a while, when i was... 12? around there? i just thought i was an introvert... yeah right. having a panic attack in a closet at an aunt's birthday party and telling her i didnt want to be there when she found me crying, only to go home to my mom yelling at me blaming me for it and asking "ARE YOU F**ING CRAZY? DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL??" in the harshest, most blaming tone to her 12 year old daughter..? 

 

anyway, shes said worse recently, and i had to go to the hospital (i dont want to go into detail on it, i dont think i should here) and i went to counselling again. id been to 2 or 3 different counsellors before that, but none of them really clicked. and neither did that one. she actually kinda.. gave up on me? and i dont know who to blame for that but myself, but i also dont think its my fault. i have no idea what i need, i dont know how to get better, i dont know how to be happy, i dont know how to escape. and it also took me so much to realize how my mom should have cared when i went to the hospital. shed known ive been like.. this for years. ive had very bad depression for a long time, its just a thing ive had to experience. my dad died when i was 14, i took that fairly well but it still impacted me and all i was left with was her and my step father who very often gives me sensory overloads (and has also blamed me for it, how fun). 

 

i dont know what i should do? i hate having to just sit here and bear it. ive tried so much, reached out to so many people, but in the end im still stuck. and even when im not, ill still be alone. figuratively supported, but when it all comes down to it, im gonna be on my own, just like i always have been. no matter how hard i try, im always on my own to face these situations... and i hate the "youre not alone!" sentiment, or the "you can get through this!"s too, because... there are other people in similar situations as me, stuck, confused, alone... but i still have to face it alone. and i dont know what to do. i really dont know what to do.

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@InvaderAlexis

Unfortunately many people nowadays are very damaged, and the way you describe your mother tells me that she is very frustrated and feels inadequate and as she can't deal with it herself, she is projecting her inadequacies on you and berates you for exactly the things she doesn't want to acknowledge in herself. This situation is extremely painful as you haven't actually done anything wrong, but her own coping mechanisms make her blame you for the things she is actually at fault at. And the threat that you need to go to a mental hospital is pretty much your mother realising that there is something very wrong within herself, but she is suppressing this realisation and instead telling you to do what she herself should do to get better.

 

I think one thing that might help you a little is reading up on psychology for yourself. That way you can at least understand the mechanisms so many people employ to cope as this make it a bit clearer to you that it is not you who are the problem, but you are simply the projection canvas of other people's problems. It is very liberating to understand this - even though it will still hurt when people falsely accuse of of things that have in fact nothing to do with yourself, but are only expressions of their problems and inadequacies.

 

I'm sorry that I don't have any nostrum for you that magics away these problems of yours, but maybe it can help you to understand better why people act as they do - and then you can better chose who are the people that do you good and who are the ones you are better off without in the first place. And frankly, people who simply disappear from your surroundings obviously weren't real friends in the first place. And it is not any fault of yours if you don't easily find people whom you can trust - in my eyes the quality of people's character has steadily been going down, so finding a real friend is not so easy in the first place.

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@Astreya thank you for the advice, but a lot of this is what i do already. i was told by my dad's sister how bad she was when we were all kids, shes always been a nasty person. i understand that shes not a good person, and i dont think that she should have ever had children, let alone three, especially with a man that she would end up divorcing anyway because she was greedy and selfish. i know that i didnt deserve any of what happened to me, and any of the way she treats me isnt my fault, but it still happens. and its still hard not to feel like i did something wrong, even when i know for a fact that that isnt true.

 

im very self aware, very introspective. i say it a lot, but its one of the things i actually like about myself. id like myself a lot, i used to like myself a lot, but it gets harder to truly feel it when it feels like nobody else does, again when i know that it isnt true. but its rough, because im also never the person anyone thinks about first for anything, never really that important to anyone, not even myself anymore because im taking a backseat in my own life because i cant do anything to get out. i know what my problems are, i know i need to reach out to people, and i know i need support. but the situation im in makes it literally impossible to get that support. ive tried. a lot. but... just reading what i said, you already know that my mother wants to cling on to her children because they remind her too much of herself, apparently, so im stuck. 

 

still, about my "friends", i do agree with that. fake, the whole lot, if they were to know me for years and then drop me without a second thought when things got tough. hurts to not have anyone after that, and some small part of me wishes i had anything instead of being completely alone, even if that meant toxic, fake friends who would only ever talk to me if they were drunk or high at a party. bad influences, too. i honestly never involved myself in that kind of thing anyway because it always made me a little nervous. probably reminded me of my mom, yikes. 

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Posted (edited)

@Invader_Alexis.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. My situation was a lot like yours. I grew up for a time without a dad. my mom married when I was 8 yrs old and things went from bad to worse. Before her marriage and she mostly didn't pay me or my brother any attention and I realize how I had it better when she mostly ignored me.

 

I had anxiety as well. I'd been sexually abused more than once by that age and before I was 6 yrs old I knew it was something I couldn't trust my family with as more than one of my family abused me. As well as a boy at school. It was something I had to carry on my own, which was no easy thing to do.

I didn't have much trust for people from a young age. My mom was verbally abusive to me. My brother enjoyed terrorizing me and getting me in trouble so I'd get punished I spent a lot of time grounded in my room cause of his b.s.. And my mom refused to even consider that I was telling the truth.

When I was 11 yrs old my best friend died suddenly and I didn't realize till she was gone now much I depended on her to cope with my situation. She was more family to me than my actual family. One day my mom got frustrated by my continued grieving and snapped at me screaming at me to get over it already. I started spiraling into a deep depression. I became suicidal. I started cutting myself. I tried to runaway from home starting at 11 yrs old.  My mom would literally grab me by my hair and drag me back in the house. For a short time she had us going to therapy. Where while she and her husband were talking to the therapist my brother and me were left unattended in the waiting room where my brother would flash and moon me constantly. The irony of that is not lost on me. I had no trust but to give it a chance I did talk with the therapist but I confided in him and he told my mom and I was grounded for a month. While I don't remember exactly what I confided in him with I assume it was about my brother's behavior in the waiting room my mom is the sort to blame the victim. Something I already figured out. I didn't realize he would tell her. Anything I would tell her she would claim I was saying/doing it to seek attention of she would call me a drama queen, something she loved to throw at me cause I wanted to be an actress. 

 

For a long time I thought I was the problem, I mean why would my family treat me that way if I wasn't doing something wrong? It's why I became a cutter as a form of self-punishment. I no longer do that and haven't for a long time.  There were a couple other therapist after the first, the second I refused to go back to after a couple times. The third I actually liked a lot and felt she could help me but wouldn't you know it my mom after just a couple sessions stopped taking me to see her.

 Things got really really bad as I became a teen. My brother became more abusive, my mom more neglectful. I was very much on my own with no one to have my back. My brother began to hang with gang members who were known for abusing girls.  At one point I ran away just before I turned 17. I was in more danger at home than I felt I would have been on the streets. She had me hospitalized and I spent my 17th b-day in there. 

Eventually I turned 18 and moved in with my grandma. Who did her best for me but she wasn't a strong willed person and my family was not good to her either. My mom got divorced and she and my brother moved back in with me and my grandma, which of course was a nightmare and in the end she kicked us all out. She after apologized to me for kicking me out with them, said she knew I wasn't the problem but she got overwhelmed with them and I ended up as collateral damage. When it was just me and my grandma we were both really happy but they ruined that for us both by that time I was about to turn 20 I had been working for a while and had money I'd gotten from a car accident when another car hit us in my grandma's car. Technically it wasn't my first apartment as I had stayed with a friend for a short time and another I rented a room with a few people who thought they could use and manipulate me. So naturally that didn't work out. My first apartment on my own was the greatest. I might have had to work three jobs and was on food stamps and barely had money left over for necessaties, but it was all my own and I loved it.

 

But I was still struggling with depression and suicidal impulses. One night I was struggling with suicide and called someone who have thought was a friend. They basically asked if I was really serious as their favorite show was on. You can imagine that I was livid. I called for help something I usually didn't do and to basically be told a tv show was more important than me. They might not have intended it and I certainly am not giving them credit for it but that anger is what started things turning around for me cause anger can be stronger than depression and suicidal feelings. Now I'm not saying to give in to anger but it can be used to break out of what your feeling as long as you don't wallow in the anger. I had to learn to be happy again cause it had been so long since I'd been happy I forgot what it felt like. I had to not look to have a perfect fairytale day. Those will rarely if ever happen. I had to learn to enjoy the little moments of it not happiness then at least contentment. Like reading a good book, or watching a good movie, hanging with friends and having a good time, enjoying a rain storm. Whatever it is that takes you out of your head and life for a bit. Eventually I broke the cycle and I've learned to catch myself when I started to get down and redirected my attention. Sometimes I would Dr. Phil myself. What would I expect or want to hear from someone what would I say in response. Work the issues out on my own in my head because I never did get that support I needed. And if I'm being honest your right the things people say when they are trying to make you feel better don't help and I don't think anyone can say what you need to hear be what you need to be especially not when your in the thick of it. Nothing that is said really gets through and the I understand what your going through even if they do doesn't help.

I had plenty of friends would call me up to vent their problems sometimes talking for hours with me listening supporting them giving advice,  do you think they ever had even five minutes to listen to mine? They suddenly wouldn't have time. I ended up realizing that I was the one putting all the effort into my friendships and when I decided to test that by not calling anyone, letting them be the ones to call me, let's just say I let a lot of "friendships" die out. IMO they weren't really friends same with those who just stopped being your friend suddenly they aren't worth your time. You have to decide for yourself who you give importance to in your life same with their words of actions, not easy I know but if you work on it it does get easier. Truth is you are the only one who can dig yourself out of the pit you are in. You have to find the path yourself do the work yourself cause no one can truly understand what you are going through or what will work to bring you out of it. You need to search inside yourself and really ask yourself what it is you need. I did and I just wanted to be able to be happy again and I realized that I didn't actually want to die. I just wanted to not feel like such utter crap all the time. I'm not saying to not ask or look for help if that truly is what you need then never give up on seeking it. Never give up on yourself. For me I realized that I didn't want to die having lived so much of my life unhappy. I wanted to experience the better side of life and ending my life would only ensure I never would get that chance. I don't believe in life after death so for me death is final, a cessation of anything good and bad.

I know it is hard right now for you, you aren't able to leave home yet. That doesn't mean you can't start planning for that now though. Not sure how long till it is that you can leave or if you have a job yet. But I would recommend you start saving any money you earn or that comes your way and plan to get your own place or find someone to stay with. When I got my own apartment I had little to no contact with my family. I could choose the terms in which I dealt with them. If they didn't treat me the way I wanted I could hang up on them, walk away, or tell them to leave. As hard as it is try to be patient try to keep yourself away from their attention as much as possible. In an extreme case you can always try the legal route and get emancipated from them.

As for the friends don't give up on that give it time eventually you will find your people. 

As hard as the things I've gone through and I left a lot out as sometimes I can get a bit long winded. 😁 

It has made me so much stronger than I would have been if I'd had an easier life I have a thicker skin now. People can say the same hurtful things my family has that hurt me so bad and now I'd roll my eyes laugh my butt off and say really who the freak do you think you are did you really think that would bother me? Your nobody to me, why would you think your words are important to me enough to hurt me? Even my family can't hurt me with their words or actions anymore. I'm the one with the power to give their words or actions weight. And I can decide they mean nothing to me. It takes time to get to that point. It takes a lot of work. But I know if your strong enough to handle everything you have so far, that your strong enough to get yourself to the other side and I know you will be stronger for it.

 I don't know if anything I have said will help or hurt. I hope they help and certainly don't want them to hurt. Know that those of us who struggle with this especially for a long time we really are some of the strongest people out there. We endure things that would break a lesser person and even when those things do break us we still endure and survive. In a way our suffering is our strength. That is how I know you can do this. I once thought I was so weak. Drowning in a cacophony of emotions that threatened to tear me apart. But I emerged stronger than ever. And I know now nothing can ever tear me down or break me again. I found out just how strong I really am. And you will too. 

 

Edited by AngelsSin

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@AngelsSin ive had a plan to get out, but it still requires waiting. and the wait is the most painful part. ive been very depressed for years, suicidal, had a self harming issue that im still trying to clear up the battle with and overcome. i was sexually assaulted by a family memeber when i was a kid, too, but thats the one thing im not comfortable talking about, because its too muddy. but the thing is, i already have a plan to get out. i know someone whos given me a lot of resources, but my issue is ill still be facing it alone. and im sick of it. i know i shouldnt depend on other people for happiness, and i want to be only self-reliant, but i hate having to do it all alone. to face everything alone. thats what makes life not really feel... worth it? because ive always been alone. even with my old "friends", i was alone. always the odd one out, just there because i happened to be there, and when they left its like there wasnt even an impact. i love people. i also... hate them. but humans are social. and i love to be around people, but im always on my own. 

 

will get out of here, and ill be fine, but i dont know if ill really be satisfied with it. like, i hate thinking about my future, because as much as i try to stay positive and try to keep hanging on and keep living is because i dont... Know how things will be. i dont know for certain if theyll be good or if theyll be bad, so may as well hang on just in case its good. but i hate thinking about it because the most likely path i can see for myself is me getting out, me finally being "free", but still being alone. i guess thats my biggest issue, and there is no fix to it. nothing to really fill that hole deep down. 

 

i like astrology, so let me talk about it for a second. mars is the planet of passion, of sensuality, anger, and what drives you. my mars is in scorpio, which mars is a ruling planet of, so basically im super passionate, firey, etc in all of those regards. i let that stuff course through me, i let my anger take me when it needs to. i can control it, i can have a bit of a temper but really i can control it and i dont let it take control. but i used to let my anger drive me, my anger for my situation, my anger for the world, but after haivng it for so long i guess i kinda... burnt out. because that anger diluted into a grief over my situation, grief that i had so much "missing" that couldnt be replaced. and along with the situation making me stronger, i used to look at it that way too. but i feel like this is a little excessive. like, i get the message. im stronger now, this is enough. its like, a muscle, you have to work it out for it to become stronger, but too much can cause it to strain and can potentially hurt you? im a muscle whos been worked out far too much in such a short period of time, and the idiot who its attached to is still using it because im still stuck. x_x 

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Posted (edited)

If not being alone is what you need than don't let yourself feel like you shouldn't need that. For you that is what you need and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone is different and our needs are different. For me at first I thought I didn't want to be alone to struggle alone with it but in the end for me I realized it wasn't so much what I needed. And for me I'm proud of myself for doing alone. It wasn't a choice, but it did become a necessity.

And I wasn't suggesting anger full time or to constantly use anger no matter how much of it you have is hard to maintain that for a long period of time. I'm glad to hear you have it in the works to get yourself free of your situation. Sometimes getting out of that muck is what allows you to start working through the rest of it. It's hard to see to the other side when your still living in that situation.

 

I had to move back in with my family after being injured it was hard for me to lose my freedom to have to essentially live through a second childhood as an adult and in some says it was so much worse my brother was even deeper into drugs my mom even deeper into denial. Both of them are addicts. My brother is bigger and stronger and less in control of his anger constantly threatening to snap my neck, etc. my mom always defends him and never me. I'm now out of that situation again and glad to be on my own for me I don't need others so much although I do enjoy it with the right people.

 

I was into astrology too me I'm a libra, balance nature, etc is important to us. Not having balance in my life was hard for me. 

 

I get the not thinking not the future it's hard to see a good future for yourself when all you experience is crap. And I'm not saying when you move out everything will magically be better and you'll suddenly stop being miserable. It's still gonna be there, your still gonna have to work hard for it. But I do believe it will be better. The freedom can be enpowering. Give yourself time. Make sure you not being hard on yourself. It's ok to not be ok. To need help. Your worth the time and effort to help get you to where you need to be.

 

And you will find those friends who can be what you need, just be careful and more selective than I was at your age. Who you let into your life at this time is really important to your well being. A good friend can help you through, but the wrong friend can make things worse.

I'm sure you know that already. But I found for me that I was unconsciously choosing bad people. When you grow up in a toxic situation whether you mean to or not you find yourself gravitating to the wrong people cause a lot of the time it is all you know. Make sure you don't fall into that trap. I understand not wanting to talk about a lot of it. For a long time it wasn't something I was comfortable talking about either. But I've worked through it and am on the other side of it so it is easier for me especially when I see someone going through it like I did I can talk about what I went through knowing maybe it might help even a little bit to someone who is still struggling.

Going through what I have has made me extremely fiercely protective of those who are still underage and vulnerable or frankly anyone suffering like we have regardless of age, I'm just a bit more protective of the young as they can need it more.

If my experience can help I won't hesitate to do so. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here for you if you want, feel free to pm me. I'm not gonna pressure you to talk about anything you don't want to or aren't comfortable with. Even if it's just you want to listen to my experiences if that will help I'd be glad to. Maybe you'd be more comfortable talking in a more private less public setting. Whether you do or don't know the offer stands. I wouldn't turn my back on you or anyone who needs my help.

I'm non judgemental usually, though I'm not perfect. Anyone willing to put a kid at risk though is gonna receive my judgement and ire. This though I can say in this situation I'm not gonna judge you for anything you might say for any action, reaction, or experience. I can be trusted to not lie or repeat anything said in confidence. If you choose to accept will gladly offer any help I can and I won't be offended if you decline, so no hard feelings if that is what you choose. I hope your life turns around for you and I wish you the brightest of blessings!

Edited by AngelsSin

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So I have a friend who I was once very close to in elementary and middle school. We now live on other sides of the country and have grown apart, but we keep in touch. She's been struggling with mental illness for several years, and I've tried to help, but she only really talks to me when she's in the middle of an anxiety/depression episode, and doesn't seem to listen or hear what I'm saying. She also places me on a pedestal in her mind - I'm living in some sort of fabled land where everything is awesome, while she is stuck in the pits of hell. I've got experience with mental illness among my family members, so I've been as patient and supportive as I can be - while realizing that 2000 miles away I can't do much for her. I got a text message from her out of the blue, saying she had taken all of her pills and was going to die. I spent the next couple hours trying to track down her family, got in contact with her local police station so that someone could check on her, despite not knowing her address. The police did eventually find her house, but she wasn't home at the time. I got a text from her a couple hours later, saying it was all fine, she hadn't taken the pills at all. Then she made a post on her Facebook about how she'd told everyone she was committing suicide, and only one 'true friend' responded. Her mother sent me a card of desperate gratitude for calling the police to help my friend, which really just made me feel bad because...

I'm left kind of... disgusted with her.

This is the second time she has done this in the last few years, sent out a false suicide message and then later revealed it on her Facebook to be some sort of friendship test. It wasn't okay then, and it still isn't okay now. I know that all attempts of suicide have to be taken seriously, but this feels more like some sort of emotional abuse/manipulation tactic to shame whichever friends don't respond in time. I don't know, am I overreacting?

It's made it hard for me to figure out how to deal with her. She only talks to me when she's super depressed/anxious, and its usually one-sided, we only ever talk about her struggles and how she's the victim of everyone around her. I'm not there, so I can't say definitively if that's true or not, only that I knew her brother, too, and it seems unlikely that he would suddenly be so evil as she makes him out to be. But again, I'm not there. It's a little smothering that she clings to me like a drowning person, and I really do understand mental illness, I have other family members that suffer with it, and my own struggles, but -

this is not okay, is it?

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@Aniia

Let me be frank, even if it sounds callous - this person is obviously a strain to your energy and emotions, and you should best break contact with her as it is - from your recount - a solely one-sided relationship. She obviously needs professional help, but that's nothing you can provide. You should get into contact with her one more time - to tell her that she needs professional help and that you felt abused and emotionally drained by her and thus you refuse to have further contact with her unless she can prove to you she had a successful therapy.

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10 hours ago, Astreya said:

@Aniia

Let me be frank, even if it sounds callous - this person is obviously a strain to your energy and emotions, and you should best break contact with her as it is - from your recount - a solely one-sided relationship. She obviously needs professional help, but that's nothing you can provide. You should get into contact with her one more time - to tell her that she needs professional help and that you felt abused and emotionally drained by her and thus you refuse to have further contact with her unless she can prove to you she had a successful therapy.

 

Thanks, Astreya. This is so hard because we've been friends since we were 8 years old and best friends until I moved at age 14. She always understood what was going on in my head, even if I didn't. I tried to support her through the loss of her father to alcoholism, which was very hard for her - she was actually with him when he died. He had run out of alcohol and she was refusing to buy him more, and he went into a seizure from alcohol withdrawal and didn't make it. She struggled with mental illness prior to that, but losing her dad seemed to set her on a path downward again. I remember her family as full of fun, funny people, and its so hard to watch people change this way.

I've tried to sort of distance myself a little bit - I won't talk to her on the phone, we communicate now only by text, email, or social media. But she keeps reaching out when she's having a crisis, and its hard for me to know how to respond. I want to help, even though I know I can't. She keeps telling me that her brother has changed and is emotionally abusive and not the supportive brother she used to have. She's hurt and angry that he won't let her see his three children. I'm not there to see for myself, but I also don't feel like I can trust what she says. Also, I feel like its absolutely his right to decide whether she visits his children, and if she's unstable in her behavior, I might not let her around my children either. But I don't know how to tell this to her, or if I even should. Any real talk I fear would make her defensive/angry, which I realize is not my problem. But it also might send her into another depressive spiral, which I don't want. It's just hard.

I know she did get some professional help after the second suicide alert. The police found her, and though she said she didn't take anything, they sent her to rehab and therapy anyway. But I don't know if she's continued with it.

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@Aniia

I understand that it is really hard for you as you were good friends with her when you were kids, but if you re-read what you have written, it seems that deep in your heart you realise that she is not the person any more that she was when you were kids.

 

The main problem is that you said yourself that you can't trust her any more. With that lack of trust, you'd get into real trouble if she'd announce a third suicide attempt, which will invariably come as soon as she feels insecure about herself again. If you'd call the police again, and it was a false alarm, your disappointment in her would cut even deeper into your heart as you would lose confidence in yourself for being manipulated into action by her again and pretty much feel like a puppet. If she'd really do something dangerous and you would do nothing, you would carry around the guilt for the rest of your life.

 

Thus the only way for you to get out of this is to really cut the connection, even if it hurts you at first. I think you need to realise that you both went onto different paths of your lives that send you into different directions. You need to let her go for your sake at most, but also for her sake, particularly when she puts you onto some pedestal as you said. If she always has you in the background while being envious of you (no matter whether she has a real reason to be envious or not), she will continue to try and manipulate you as this gives her power over you that she feels she doesn't have over her own life.

 

And always tell yourself: You are not her therapist. That's simply not your job. A therapist needs to be someone who can distance hirself from the patient. You are way too much involved and it will eat you up, particularly as she seems to continue to be on a downward trajectory. But the only person who can pull your friend out of this is she herself - and she needs to realise this on her own.

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Low-key freaking out at the moment... I don't check Facebook often anymore for various reasons but with my mom in the hospital (not serious, we think) I've been updating my status to update friends/family about her. ...  I just logged on and saw a message. From my ex. Who I haven't spoken to in probably 5-ish years, and only twice since 2013. It's stupid because I feel like my mind/heart are just completely overreacting, it was literally just a simple 'thought about you today how have you been' message. But ****. All these years and it's still hard for me to even really think about her, about how screwed up everything got, and her contacting me is just so overwhelming. 

 

I sent back a short message, just a general update and how are you thing, but I'm honestly kind of shaking right now. This just isn't something I'd ever thought I'd have to deal with again. I loved her so much. It literally took *years* to get over her just to the point where I could actually think about dating again. The way things ended makes just thinking about her so painful. And I couldn't exactly *not* notice the addition to her name that makes me fairly certain she's married now (no way was I going to actually click her profile to confirm). It just... It hurts. We broke up so long ago and I haven't heard from her in forever and there was never any hope of ever being together again but thinking about her being married just hurts. We talked about marriage when we were together. To date it's the most serious and longest relationship I've ever been in. And thinking about it just freaking hurts. 

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