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Obscure_Trash

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@iwazaruscof Have you thought about dedicated message boards for your interests instead of a general chat site? Maybe it is easier to find someone to talk to starting with a shared interest. If you are studying Japanese and like video games that are kind of niche (maybe visual novels?), you can look for a message board that caters to that aspect. You'll start with some sort of common ground, that sort of kickstart can be a great help in getting to know people there. It will not be some magic trick to gain insta-friends, though, but a chance to hang out with like-minded people.

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oh geez sorry for the late reply. i got sick and spent the weekend resting

 

@Aqub i sent a friend request on discord!

 

@Rally Vincent i've thought about it, yeah. i'm not sure if there are any message boards that are still super active, there might be some discord servers for my interests maybe? i've thought about looking around for some so i might try that!

 

 

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This is going to sound really petty, but it makes me really angry when people give me gifts I can tell they didn't put an ounce of thought into. Especially when I see them give nice, thoughtful gifts to other people. It's not about the cost. Honestly, I don't care. But I wish they would take two seconds to actually think about it.

 

For our birthday, my sister got personalized coffee mugs. Not anything elaborate, but it was something my parents had to take some time to think about and put some effort into. It has one of my sister's favorite pictures of herself on it. I got a copy of a CD I've already owned a copy of for more than half of my life. My parents have heard me play it before. It was one of the first things I wanted on Itunes back in the dinosaur days when I got my first I-pod. For Christmas my dad was planning on getting my sister tickets to see her absolute favorite band. Because everything has to be the same, apparently, he got me tickets to a show. But he picked an abridged, kiddie version of an opera and knowingly bought tickets on a day I have work, and just demanded that I take the day off. Didn't ask. Just said "Tell your boss you won't be there this day." I already asked for other days off that week because it's Christmas, and I'm going to need to ask for time off the following weekend, too. And even aside from that, yeah. I like opera. But they aren't all interchangeable. This is an abridged, translated version literally designed to appeal to children. It says so in the description of the show, so I know my dad didn't even bother to look at what he was actually getting tickets for. He just saw opera and went "eh, I guess that's good."

 

I probably sound like an ungrateful witch. But I wish my parents would bother to take even a little interest in my life and the things I care about instead of just looking at things and going "Eh. It's probably fine." Especially when they take the time to look for really nice, thoughtful things for my sister. Talk to me about composers I like. Or ask about my other hobbies. I do have them. Maybe ask me about my plants instead of having an absolute fit over them being indoors for the winter. Or talk to me about my cakes. I'd be happy to talk about it if they mentioned it without immediately pressuring me into going to pastry school. Or ask me about my singing lessons. I don't know. I know I'm the odd one out. No one in my family is all that interested in the same things as me. I know they don't really understand my passions and my sister's easier for them to relate to. But I feel so insignificant all the time, and things like this make it worse.

 

They also bullied me into being my sister's maid of honor, even though I said multiple times I didn't want to. I was trying to talk to my dad and work through some of my feelings about it, and he basically told me I was being a self-righteous witch. Now I hear about the wedding literally all the time. I can't talk to either of my parents without them pressuring me into going back to school for pastry. When I mentioned even wanting to take a class at a local community college for the subject I'd actually like to go to school for, my dad blew up at me. I wasn't even talking about a degree. Just a class to do something I enjoy. I tried going to school for a subject that appeased them. That's how I ended up in graduate school for history--majoring in history was more palatable to them than what I was originally studying and so I just stuck with that. Obviously that didn't end well. Pastry is just the new more palatable option for them.

 

I don't know. I just feel like the sun rises and sets on my sister. I'm the inadequate oddball no one understands or even really knows. My feelings about the wedding didn't matter. I have to be part of it, regardless of how much she's hurt me. And things like birthdays and Christmas just make me feel even more insignificant. Again, I'm aware I probably sound really petty, but I just want to feel like someone can be bothered to take an interest in me, for who I actually am now instead of who I was 10+ years ago, or who they want me to be, or what I can do to make everyone else in my family happy.

 

And I tried venting to my sister about being upset that our dad just assumed I could get off work that day and stuff, because even if it is petty, I just wanted someone to talk to because I was upset. She immediately started texting my dad about it and making things worse. I told my dad I'd tried to get off and left it at that. I wasn't going to say anything more because there's just no point. I just wanted someone to listen to me and my sister can't even do that. Meanwhile I have to support and participate in her terrible decision making and the fact that I wanted to think about my own mental health first made me a horrible human being.

 

Meanwhile I'm also pretty sure I'm super depressed. A few days ago I just broke down sobbing on the drive home from work because I couldn't stop thinking about how much of a train wreck my life is right now. But I don't have the time or money for therapy right now, and last time I took medication for depression it turned into a massive fight with my mother, and I also don't have the energy to have that argument again. And I only have one friend locally and I work odd hours, so I hang out with a friend maybe a few times a month. Most days I barely talk to anyone except customers because I wake up after my dad's left for work, my mom doesn't really bother talking to me about anything, and then I go to work and get home after they're both asleep. I go to choir and voice lessons, but my lessons are only every other week and choir is just one night a week, so it's not like I get much interaction with anyone who actually cares whether or not I'm alive. Honestly it would mean a lot to me if my dad bothered to just say "Hey, I was looking at what they're showing at the Met this season. Do you know anything about [insert opera here]?" Or if when I get home from my voice lessons or choir, my parents would ask me how it went or what I'm working on. Or even just ask me about work without immediately pestering me about going back to school so I can get a different job. I just want them to make an effort instead of constantly making the disconnect between us so painfully obvious all the time.

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Not doing so well right now. My grandma (not the one I posted about recently, but the grandma on the other side of the family) is in the hospital. She fell and broke her hip yesterday. It was so shockingly sudden, one minute everything is fine and then a phone call that shatters everything. She fell and broke her hip, which is never a good thing to happen to a 90 year old, but my grandma has seemed really ill lately anyway, and since she has extreme dementia, she doesn't take care of herself. She refuses to eat, drink, or bathe beyond the bare minimum she needs to survive and is very stubborn if you try to help her with anything, so she's very unhealthy in general. Now she's in the hospital, she doesn't understand what's happening, doesn't know where she is or even that she has a broken bone, and it's really heartbreaking to see so I could barely stand being there today. She's having a hip replacement surgery tomorrow and I'm really worried she won't make it through the recovery or even the surgery, considering the condition she's in. I'm just so heartbroken, she looks so terrible laying in the hospital bed, and I guess being away from home really makes it obvious how bad her dementia is and how far gone she is. I don't know what I should/need to do to support her, I don't even know if it matters, if she won't remember anything I say to her or will forget I was even there to visit her after 10 minutes have passed? At least she isn't in any pain right now. Not sure how coherent any of this is but I just wanted to type it up to try to feel better. 

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@Aqub Sometimes writing it all down can help some; well done for that. The awful thing is the worry and knowing there is nothing you can do,. isn't it.

 

My sister in law has dementia. She knows you are there while you are there, even though she will forget afterwards, and I'm sure knowing even that much will help your grandma. Just visit when you can bear it, and don't if you can't - it's not unreasonable of you if you can't cope. My mother is 100, and very confused, though not demented. I can't cope with seeing her a lot, so I don't. You have to think of yourself too. Big hug.

 

(and tell me, would a "like" or a hug emoticon have helped much ?)

Edited by Fuzzbucket

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Thank you very much, Fuzz. :) It's so sad how common dementia/Alzheimer's is and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it in your family as well. 

 

My grandma did make it through her surgery yesterday, but afterwards she was very upset and combative as the medical staff put it. She was yelling and screaming at the nurses (still doesn't know where she is or what she's doing there) and pulled the IV port out of her arm twice before they decided they couldn't put one in, but she wont drink the water because she claims that it's poisoned. She was also really mean with my mom and uncle, telling them to shut up when they offered to help etc, and knowing all this I'm kind of relieved I made the decision not to go see her yesterday, because I don't think I could have watched all of that. 

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Yes - it's awful when they cannot understand that people are trying to help - that they HAVE to help. And the poisoning thing - my mother does that too - and she isn't even demented, just increasingly paranoid (another of the joys of ageing !) Everyone is stealing from her and the rest. Sadly dementia does tend to change the personality; my father got thoroughly racist towards the end of his life....

 

Just carry on doing what you can for her, and don't fret about what you can't - let the people who can handle that stuff do it. Where does she live - is she in a care home ? I do think that's the bets thing - the staff know how to deal with everything awful, and you can just visit and listen to your relative complain about everything. The hygiene thing is unpleasant, isn't it...

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15 hours ago, Aqub said:

Thank you very much, Fuzz. :) It's so sad how common dementia/Alzheimer's is and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it in your family as well. 

 

My grandma did make it through her surgery yesterday, but afterwards she was very upset and combative as the medical staff put it. She was yelling and screaming at the nurses (still doesn't know where she is or what she's doing there) and pulled the IV port out of her arm twice before they decided they couldn't put one in, but she wont drink the water because she claims that it's poisoned. She was also really mean with my mom and uncle, telling them to shut up when they offered to help etc, and knowing all this I'm kind of relieved I made the decision not to go see her yesterday, because I don't think I could have watched all of that. 

Since your grandma suspects the water of being poisoned - do you think it might help if you go and get her soda cans (or whatever her drink of choice is) that she has to open herself? This way, she should be able to "check" that it isn't poisoned.

 

This kind of logic can work surprisingly well with people with Alzheimer's, as long as they still understand spoken language and have some modicum of "logic" left.

I've once had a lady with Alzheimer's tell me to go to her apartment and get her keys so she could go back home. I was tempted to tell her, "Lady, you live in a retirement home and have been living here for 3+ years. Your apartment isn't yours any more, it undoubtedly has new tenants." But that wouldn't have done any of us any good. Instead, I told her I couldn't get into her apartment (to get her keys) because I don't have any keys in the first place. She had this contemplative look on her face, then decided that this was a sound reasoning. Didn't stop her to make a similar demand the next day, but the argument kept working in my favor. :) 

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Thanks again for the responses. :)

I've been going with my mom to visit grandma the last few days, more because I think my mom needs me there. She's been taking it pretty hard how "gone" her mom is, and gets really frustrated with grandma refusing help. One day grandma talked more than I've ever heard her talk, nonstop nonsense about stuff in the past, like asking where her (deceased) husband is or talking about plans to go to her (deceased) brother's house for Christmas. We would just kind of say whatever we had to to go along with it. With all the stuff that's been going on, my mom says she feels like she already lost her mom years ago, and apologized to me several times for if she ever got like that. :( 

Grandma was fighting the nurses for a few days. This weekend she got moved to a medical rehab center, so she's not in the hospital anymore, but couldn't go home yet. She kept absolutely refusing any kind of help from the staff there... She was even hitting their hands away from her at one point, and when my mom told her they needed to help her so she didn't die, grandma said she didn't event want to be alive anymore.

Olympe, we did try out giving her bottled water or offering other drinks but she still refused, she is pretty far gone and I'm not sure she does have the logical thinking skills remaining for logical arguments like that to work with her. Same with taking her pills, telling her that if she cooperated with what the doctor says she needs to do, she can get better and get home faster didn't seem to do anything. And Fuzz, she still lives at her house, but one of my uncles lives there too to take care of her. He was there when she fell, so she got help right away. We have suggested she live somewhere else, and after this she might have to, but she really doesn't want to be away from home, and being at home must be comfortable for her and makes the dementia not as bad, or seem not as bad? 

 

So, skipping to the present...Yesterday, grandma went to sleep for about 2 hours, woke up, and suddenly had a different personality. She still didn't know what was going on of course, but was suddenly kind and pleasant and actually started cooperating with the rehab staff, eating, taking her medicine, etc. I didn't end up going with today, but hopefully for my mom's sake she's still like that now. 

 

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The best thing you can try to do is to get her to talk about the past. They tend to remember that better and they enjoy it - my mother (who I realised is not demented, but has terrible confusion and it frightens her when she gets going)  will go on for ages about her childhood, but can't remember how to use the phone. You grandma will go from one extreme to the other - often. Get used to the idea and enjoy the good days. She might end up happier in a care home, as they know how to sort things out when their residents get muddled. But as long as your uncle is prepared to look after her....

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Just wanted to drop in and say that even though I don't have much helpful to add, it is helpful for me to take in this conversation regarding dementia/alzheimer's. My aunt-in-law is probably going into a home soon, I'm not the legal handler of that but I'm watching the whole drama, because I'm worried at some point I'll face the same situation with my own mother (she doesn't currently have any dementia, but she does suffer from some mental illness and confused/lost memories), and lives on the other side of the country.

 

Tangentially - dementia seems much more common these days, anyone know if that is true or why?

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It is diagnosed more than it used to be - but also - people are living longer. AND we also have much more unhealthy lifestyles.

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My grandad died this afternoon, and although I new this was sadly going to happen, as  he has been I'll for a few weeks and was given days to live a few weeks ago but he meracuasly perked up, before getting very I'll last night, it just doesn't make it any easier.

 

He was my last grandparent I feel like a whole generation has now gone from my family, and a hole has been left in its wake, i feel sad hurt and numb in places I didn't know I could be, and even thoughn ive lost family members before the pain just doesn't get easyer, I wasn't as close to him as I would of liked or as close as I was to my other grandparent who died a couple  of years ago, but I loved him non the less, he was still my grandad, and I'm going to kiss him.

 

 And today I had to carry on at work after receiving the call that he was gone whilst working, and carry on, and I know this sounds bad but I had to carry on with all the sad cases at work, help people who themselves were distrought people who were loosing their pets or worried about there Ill pets and I had to try and comfort them in there time of need, i had to help treat sick dying animals, and I love my job and profession I really do but I feel so guilty as all i wanted to do today was brake down myself, to not have to put on a brave face, I feel bad that for once I didn't want to be there for others, to inform and comfort I just wanted to run off home and cry and I hate that feeling the feeling I've not given my all at work  but it was so hard, so hard to be emotionally there for everything and everyone around me, I did all I could at work today my emoshinaly exaoursted  best but I feel like my whole heart wasent in it I feel like ive let everyone down because of that and that adds to the sadness the sadness that I let my own loss effect me emoshonaly at work but to cope with personal loss and the sadness and loss of others on top of that is a lot to handle, it just added to my own and made me feel ten times worse, there was just no getting away from the sadness it was all around me in one way or another, and I had to be there in the middle and act like I was ok

 

I know that's daft as I know i did my all at work and i know I've had a big loss today, with my grandad i just feel so sad about it all, today is just not a good day

 

I guess all i can do is carry on and let time make me feel better and take comfort in the fact my grandad is no longer suffering its al just so emotional and I really wish I didn't have a night shift on top of it all as well as being on full shift and a long shift tommorow I feel so drained

 

Sorry for all this but writing it down has helped and helped me get it all out so I appreciate this thread for that 

 

Edited by Bloommist

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I'm so sorry, Bloommist. It's so hard when the last of a generation departs. I know you've got to work, but make sure that in your off time you take some time for yourself, and let yourself process the grief and sadness. That's the only way to get through it, its not weak or shameful to curl up with ice cream and just feel bad. If it were me, I'd want to ask for some time off, but I've met other people who say that keeping a normal work schedule helps them get through it, so do whatever you feel you need to. Just remember you're not alone, and that its okay to pause your life a bit to take care of yourself and tend your grief. *hugs*

Edited by Twimm
spelling

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Thank you @Twimm those are lovely words it means a lot and thank @Aqubyour words are lovely to, both your support and thoughts are very much appreciated, I really appreciate your sentiments so thank you

 

The advice as well is very good sadly work wouldn't give me the time off even if i wanted to but I guess the weekend is soon so I can relax and retreat a bit then

 

Once again thank you I really appreciate it 

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