Emotional Support

[Awdz]

16 hours ago, AngesRadieux said:

My sister asked me to be her maid of honor. I don't even want to go to the wedding, never mind invest my time, energy, and money actively supporting it.

<snipped for brevity>

I've thought about saying that I'll do it, but only if she promises me that she'll treat me differently in the future and make an effort to fix our relationship. But I know that promise wouldn't mean anything. Either she'd get defensive and yell at me for being horrible, or she'd say yes, but then continue to act exactly the same as she has since she met him. I just don't think there's any way this could possibly end without me spending the next year being absolutely sick and miserable over it.

 

If you do not want to be her maid of honor, then do not. But when telling her no, do not in any way blame her (or him) for the decision or she may hold it against you.

 

Perhaps explain that you do not feel you can support her in that role the way she would want or need for her big day. From your circumstances, you can cite lack of finances and too much anxiety in your life already to take on something more. If she sees your explanation as you feeling inadequate rather than a judgement about her life choices, she is more likely to accept your decision and/or work on your relationship with her.

 

Keep in mind the wedding (and preparations for it) are all about the married couple; as maid of honor (or bridesmaid), you would be serving their needs/wants for it. If you cannot keep it about them because you are in need yourself (a legitimate position), then it is a disservice to take on the role - both to them and to you.

 

You have been through a very lot in the past year. I wish you the best in sorting through things as you work forward.

Edited September 11, 2019 by Awdz Bodkins

[Aniia]

I'm feeling so depressed this week. I suffered a bad back injury in the spring, and so I filed a workman's comp claim through L&I. My employer responded by firing me. Also, L&I keeps denying the treatment my doctor recommends, so I'm just stuck in limbo. Fast forward to today, L&I denied a procedure literally four hours before it was scheduled to take place. I'm so frustrated.

 

Besides that, I am awfully tired of being so limited in mobility. I can sit and walk but I can't stand for long periods. I have tickets to a concert in October, and the venue's website says I can exchange my regular ticket for ADA seating, but I'm confused. It won't let me purchase an ADA ticket, and I'm unsure if I can just show up in a wheelchair to the venue or if they wouldn't let me in. The venue is not responding to my emails asking for clarification, and I'm terrified I'm just going to run into things like "well if you can't walk, you shouldn't come" which is crap. I'm not paralyzed or anything, just limited.

 

And I'm tired of being cooped inside all summer because this city is not set up for people with any kind of handicap. Not to mention being frustrated with my slow-healing body in general. I'm only mid-thirties but it feels like I'm sixty-something already because my body is healing at a snail's pace. I'm still unable to work, but when I do feel better L&I has told me they can get me a job as an office assistant. The problem is, that job position makes about $1200/month less than my old position as a project manager.

 

Sorry to interrupt everyone else, I just needed to vent a bit.

[Valura]

@Twimm hey there. Your boss sounds like a massive arse - and I can't imagine doing what he did to be lawful, although I get that it might be too taxing on your finances and your energy to go against that. (although I did hear of pro Bono lawyers or those that take a percentage of the settlement - but then again, I'm neither a lawyer nor American, so what do I know. If you need pointers, I'd go to the subreddit r/legaladvice)

 

This sounds awful and I'm sorry people are throwing so many hindrances in your way. Hugs if you want them. 

[Aniia]

8 hours ago, Valura said:

@Twimm hey there. Your boss sounds like a massive arse - and I can't imagine doing what he did to be lawful, although I get that it might be too taxing on your finances and your energy to go against that. (although I did hear of pro Bono lawyers or those that take a percentage of the settlement - but then again, I'm neither a lawyer nor American, so what do I know. If you need pointers, I'd go to the subreddit r/legaladvice)

 

This sounds awful and I'm sorry people are throwing so many hindrances in your way. Hugs if you want them. 

 

Thanks, Valura.

 

Yeah, I don't think my employer acted lawfully, but since all of our energy has been focused on getting L&I to act appropriately, we just don't have the energy to consider legal action against my employer also. I don't want that job back, anyway. I feel that the HR department's response to me as well their communication with L&I since, even if legal has been retaliatory and I don't want to work in that kind of environment. I have a friend who still works for that company, and she's planning to quit soon, too, because she can't take the hostile environment which sadly is coming from the top down.

 

As for the other situations I posted about, things have improved somewhat. I've been trying to practice meditation and such to keep myself calm. If I can learn to manage how I approach this challenge and not be so angry about it all the time, hopefully I'll start feeling better! I have generalized anxiety disorder, and I was beginning to recover, but this injury and the firing caused a sort of relapse. *deep breathing* *stay calm* *think of kittens and delicious tea*

 

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack the thread! Thanks for the support 😅

[Valura]

Relapsing sucks. I struggle with depression and I had a hard crash due to stress - similar to you.

 

Meditation is great! 

 

You're very welcome. ❤️

[Sesshomaru]

Can't find a job. Loneliness threatening to consume soul. No money. No friends. In love with someone very hard to read and who's acting distant. I'm still somewhat happy, but mostly... meh.

[HeatherMarie]

I'm not doing well. Like, at all. Anxiety and depression are both so high and especially with the anxiety it seems to come on so fast. Example: My mom has been moving furniture around in her room lately, which scares the crap out of me because of her bad legs and back (this is something we've talked about multiple times). I literally *begged* her to tell me before she moves anything heavy, so I can help or at least be aware in case something goes wrong... Of course, she doesn't tell me anything. I see her moving a chair this morning and get majorly anxious, trying once again to tell her to *tell me*, end up crying hysterically for 15+ minutes. 

 

This is my third week not working and I'm not even on a medical leave right now, I just can't make myself go. Every time I try, do my morning routine, etc, and then just completely panic and call my boss crying. (Actually she's not even my boss, I haven't been able to get up the nerve to call my actual boss ever since I called him for the first time and he insisted he didn't know who I was.) My mom still gets upset and mad when I call in repeatedly because she's convinced I'm going to lose my job, which of course doesn't help when it comes to trying to calm down. For the record, when I called in yesterday I was told to not worry and just focus on getting better, everyone there understands and everything is fine with my job. 

 

I saw my psych doctor Tuesday and multiple medication changes happened, but of course it's too early to see any real improvement and it could take weeks. I really hate that in-between, I've been through it so many times before, just waiting for the medication to make any sort of noticeable difference, and in the meantime life is just so... Hard.

[MysticMusician]

I'm back in college now, and I'm a junior and I am really conflicted about my major, but it's too late to switch. Anything I switch to will take me at least 3-4 years now, as a music major I have to do a lot of performances and stuff and my anxiety has gotten so much worse. I take medication for depression and anxiety, it's been increased again and my anxiety is to the point that my doctor prescribed me xanax at only 20 years old. I have a long distance boyfriend and it's killing him that he can't be here to help me, and it's straining our relationship a lot. I feel like everything is currently falling apart around me and I don't know what to do.

[Laryal]

Well today woke up to find my parakeet sick so stayed with him he snuggled an did not want me to leave he was breathing hard. He would sort of walk fast if i moved my hand like do not move want to snuggle then around three he passed on.Was very hard cleaning the cage an his stuff thinking how he played an chirped to songs he liked.😭

[Anneith]

I'm not known here, so maybe that will make this easier.

 

I was previously in an almost-year-long relationship with someone who I thought was the one. It sounds cliche even to me; it was doomed to fail. Starting out he was perfect, of course. He started showing signs of abuse/narcissism. He would make hurtful jokes and tell me to be less sensitive, call me names as a "joke" and expect me to be fine with it, and accuse me of not caring for him. It was exhausting trying to jump through hoops while also walking on eggshells for him. As with traditional abuse, I slowly saw things from his point of view more and more and I'm still not sure if I really am to blame for all of this. We separated several times (for a day, if that) then one of us would break and come back. Usually it was me; then I started getting fed up with how he treated me. He wouldn't seem to care at all for my feelings. I read somewhere that narcissists are completely disconnected from emotions. Something that sticks out in my mind is my wifi messing up during a call (as it usually does) and him continuously telling me (raising his voice) to speak louder, he can't hear me, I should know that he can't hear me so why am I being soft and unclear on purpose? It drove me to near tears. As I was walking back to my room he grumbled that I better not cry, all my crying is is a guilt trip to make him feel bad. I guess it's hard to explain the full extent of it here. I would suggest things once and he would continuously ask for them -- recordings of whole chats with a friend that he thought I was cheating on him with. In the end he had gotten 3 chats out of me. There were a few weeks where he monitored my app screen time through the battery function. He would want to be in a voice call with me while I was in class or at work; as a result I couldn't focus on my studies and had to rely on him to learn the material, as he was good at learning straight from lecture notes and teaching.

 

A few days ago I think I completely snapped. I started treating him like he treated me, and I still feel terrible about it. Snapping at him, getting frustrated and angry very easily, etc. His words would drive me to such anger, I would be shaking. I cut him off. Blocked him on our main communication app, and blocked his number. He texted my iPad through whatever apple-id/face time mechanism is on there. I blocked him there too. I believe he messaged me on discord, so I blocked him there. The next day, I got an email from gmail saying someone had tried to log in to my email. It told me the location, and yep, it was him. We were always very free with info; he knew all three of the passwords I rotated between (they've all been changed) and I knew his logins to quite a few things as well. Around that time he emailed me as well, asking for a call because he "wanted to hear my voice." I tried to say no but he was persistent and I was missing him badly, so I said yes. We agreed that tomorrow (at the time) we would have a last call and maybe watch a movie that he wanted me to see. I don't quite remember what happened, apparently I have bad memory loss from a few traumatic incidents back in middle school/beginning of high school, but we never did call and he sent me a last email that he'd buzz off now because it was what I wanted, as if he thought I didn't want that from the very beginning! I never knew there was a block function on gmail until then.

 

He's tried to contact me on forums once before. I have no doubt that eventually he'll read this and have his own things to say, so if anyone knows how to block people on forums please tell me how! I know from experience that I'm not the strongest when it comes to him, but I know I have to be strong and focus on the things that matter now in my life. Nights are the worst for me, but sleeping with the lights on and talking to myself (lol!) seem to help.

 

I'm sorry for putting this huge chunk of text in the middle of everything, and I hope I haven't said anything too bad. Is there a way to collapse all the text so it's not so..obnoxious?

[Sazandora]

@Anneith If he messages you, don't open them. Don't read anything he says. You might want to ask a moderator for more info on how to block people, but that's the best advice I can give you. Don't give him the time of day, guys like that never change; they just change tactics to lure you back in and start the abuse all over again. Best of luck to you, friend.

[Aqub]

Last night we received the news that my grandma is in the hospital after having a stroke. I'm really worried about her and I'm having trouble holding it together or thinking straight now. I was already feeling really overwhelmed with my courses, since next week is midterms and this week I have to do a lot of important assignments and studying, and I know I have to write an essay today but I just don't feel up to the task. 

[Aniia]

On 10/10/2019 at 2:05 PM, Aqub said:

Last night we received the news that my grandma is in the hospital after having a stroke. I'm really worried about her and I'm having trouble holding it together or thinking straight now. I was already feeling really overwhelmed with my courses, since next week is midterms and this week I have to do a lot of important assignments and studying, and I know I have to write an essay today but I just don't feel up to the task. 

 

I'm sorry this has happened. I know you're worried and sad, and its an awful situation, but if she's already in the hospital, there's nothing more you can do and you just have to go through the awful process of waiting. Maybe set aside an hour or two to fully give in to your feelings, crying, etc, whatever you need to do, in a safe place where you don't have to hold it together. Then, once you've let out some of those chaotic emotions, you might be able to focus enough to attempt a rough draft?

Edited November 3, 2019 by Twimm

[Sazandora]

@Twimm I can kinda understand why your husband would find your hair color to be so upsetting, but no one can force you to be just what THEY want you to be, instead of what YOU want to be. You are the one who decides what you want to look like, not your husband. If he can get used to your new looks, good; if not... well, I'll leave it up to you as I'm just some online stranger trying to offer advice. It just sounds really, really alarming to me. Some major red flags over on my side, but that's just me. You do you.

[Aniia]

.

Edited November 3, 2019 by Twimm

[Riverwillows]

Guys, I am having a bit of a crisis. In Aug. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I have been in and out of the hosp several times since then. Finally got a full hysterectomy September 23. I have been home a week now, and still struggling to heal. I won't know if I am cancer free for a long time yet. I had lost my husband to pneumonia this last Dec. so this year has been especially hard. Now, I am facing being evicted because with all the medical bills,  I am short on my rent this month. I really could use just a little help from some kind people. I have a small Facebook fund set up. It's not even for all that much.  If anyone wants to help, pm me and I will give you the link. Please...even the cost of a burger lunch or something, if you can spare it? Please pm me.

[Sesshomaru]

On 11/2/2019 at 10:10 PM, Riverwillows said:

Guys, I am having a bit of a crisis. In Aug. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I have been in and out of the hosp several times since then. Finally got a full hysterectomy September 23. I have been home a week now, and still struggling to heal. I won't know if I am cancer free for a long time yet. I had lost my husband to pneumonia this last Dec. so this year has been especially hard. Now, I am facing being evicted because with all the medical bills,  I am short on my rent this month. I really could use just a little help from some kind people. I have a small Facebook fund set up. It's not even for all that much.  If anyone wants to help, pm me and I will give you the link. Please...even the cost of a burger lunch or something, if you can spare it? Please pm me.

I can't help you financially, since I'm broke, too, and short on my own rent, but I wanted to say I'm truly sorry, for what it's worth. I'm sending you good thoughts.

[Riverwillows]

Kindness is always a good thing!❤️

 

Thank you.

[Evangeline]

On 9/20/2019 at 9:29 PM, MysticMusician said:

I'm back in college now, and I'm a junior and I am really conflicted about my major, but it's too late to switch. Anything I switch to will take me at least 3-4 years now, as a music major I have to do a lot of performances and stuff and my anxiety has gotten so much worse. I take medication for depression and anxiety, it's been increased again and my anxiety is to the point that my doctor prescribed me xanax at only 20 years old. I have a long distance boyfriend and it's killing him that he can't be here to help me, and it's straining our relationship a lot. I feel like everything is currently falling apart around me and I don't know what to do.

Hey there. You’re a Junior! Congratulations. You’ve made it through two years of school. Look at you! Most of the population can’t say that. You have what it takes. I believe in you. So does the school if they’ve moved you to your junior classes. 

Have you spoken to an advisor? Maybe there is a different line of school that you could pursue without too much of a setback. If you’re a junior, you probably finished most of the basic prerequisite classes, so a new field might just require the core classes. 

Or maybe you can transfer to a school closer to your man. 

I have some really tough advise concerning your anxiety and it’s gonna suck. Someone once told me this, and at the time it was the worst. With time and practice, I got better though. Sometimes, you have to face your fears. When you face your fears, they start to become small things that harder seem noticeable. It takes time and terrifying situations, but it’s doable. And it’s very important to have good friends to help you through and to believe in you. 

I used to cry at the first sign of trouble. I’m music class, I couldn’t sing in front of anyone because I’d shake horribly and crash. With work, it got better. It was embarrassing and horrifying at first, but it got better.

And when I started aviation school, none of the men in my life believed in me. My anxiety was horrible. But now, I’m a month or so away from earning my private pilot’s license! If you want something, fight for it! 

Now, if this is something you can’t do, that’s okay. Start small. Definitely talk to an advisor. It’s never too late to find a better suited career. If this isn’t what you want to do with your life, change it now. Find what makes you happy! Don’t be afraid to stand back for a second. But, never give up. You’ve got this. 

[Sesshomaru]

I've basically given up getting good grades this semester because I don't learn well in a classroom setting; never have, despite my test scores and IQ being through the roof. The really good thing is that I may finally have an appointment with a psych, so I can start examining why my brain interprets things so differently from everyone else's. I'm guessing no one cared about it growing up because I'm a girl, and we always slip under the radar.

 

Also, it's really hard to find friends when you're both preppy and punk. If people can't fit you in a box, they generally leave you be, I've found.

[Aniia]

15 hours ago, Sesshomaru said:

I've basically given up getting good grades this semester because I don't learn well in a classroom setting; never have, despite my test scores and IQ being through the roof. The really good thing is that I may finally have an appointment with a psych, so I can start examining why my brain interprets things so differently from everyone else's. I'm guessing no one cared about it growing up because I'm a girl, and we always slip under the radar.

 

Also, it's really hard to find friends when you're both preppy and punk. If people can't fit you in a box, they generally leave you be, I've found.

 

Classrooms are such a hard environment, especially if your method of learning is not what is considered "the norm". I've worked as a tutor before, and the modern classroom structure is really inflexible, which is why a lot of people have trouble with it. We all learn in different ways. Don't think that you are stupid or abnormal - the system is failing you, not the other way around. I hope that your psych can help you find a way of learning that works for you. As for finding friends - its really tough to feel like you don't fit in anywhere, especially when you're won't stay in "the box". However, when you look over your whole lifetime, school is just a small part of that. This won't feel very helpful at this moment, but - the only person you have to live with forever is yourself. To that end, be true to yourself as much as possible. One of the best quotes I've ever heard (I can't even remember where it came from) is something along the lines of: hang on to those parts of you that seem weird and unique, because later in life that is all that sets you apart from anyone else.

[Aqub]

@Twimm Thanks for the reply. My grandma is doing much better now. She's out of the hospital, slowly recovering and getting less "confused," and hasn't had another seizure since getting home. (The problem she had was a type of seizure that showed symptoms of a stroke, but as far as I understand, less serious.) 

 

@Sesshomaru I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble with school. Hopefully it gets better for you. I'm sure you've already looked into these kinds of things, but is it possible for you to take online courses instead if those would help? Does your school have tutoring if that would help? 

Finding friends can be tough and honestly it's not something I'm in any position to give advice about. I totally agree with Twimm though, don't feel bad because you don't fit in now. Maybe there's even someone else at your school that doesn't fit in that you could end up having a lot in common with.

 

 

19 hours ago, Twimm said:

  One of the best quotes I've ever heard (I can't even remember where it came from) is something along the lines of: hang on to those parts of you that seem weird and unique, because later in life that is all that sets you apart from anyone else.

Not sure if this is the origin of that quote, but I know Mitchell from Modern Family gives similar advice to one of the kids.  I always thought it was a really great moment in the show!

Edited November 7, 2019 by Aqub

[iwazaruscof]

I don't like going too much into detail about personal things but I need advice I think. For the past few months I haven't really had any friends to talk to, I recently had to cut ties with a friend I spoke to a lot so now I basically have like, one friend right now, as embarrassing as it is to admit. And he's been really busy with school so we haven't been talking much, and I don't have anyone else to talk to, so I've decided to try and maybe make some new friends. I should mention that he's an online friend so we can't like, meet up because we both live in different countries. I don't want to replace him or anything, I just want to find more people to talk to because he's been unavailable, and I think having several friends is important. You can't just rely on one friend to talk to you all the time you know?

 

Anyways, my search for new friends hasn't really been working out. I've tried joining various discord servers to try and find someone to talk to but I always feel like I can't fit in and I feel like I get ignored a lot in these servers. Aside from birds, drawing and studying Japanese, I don't share many common interests with people. I really like video games but they're video games not many people have heard of. So I can't really talk to anyone about those. And having such obscure interests makes it hard because I can't find anyone I share common ground with.

 

And I don't want to have to start pretending to like certain things just to "fit in" you know? I've done that before and it was awful and I'm not doing that again.

I do try to engage with other people's interests, like if they're talking about a show they like I'll try and maybe ask them about it (also secretly hoping that maybe they'll ask me about my interests), although it doesn't really go very far because again we don't share interests. I do find people who I want to be friends with, but I'm not sure how to talk to them or say that I want to be friends, and I get worried that I'll scare them away. There have been times where people are talking about general everyday things, like food or school, and I'll try and join in. But I always feel like I get ignored or spoken over in those conversations. I find it easier to make friends with people online but it's still very difficult. I usually end up leaving the servers because I feel like I can't fit in.

 

I GUESS I should mention I'm autistic which does affect my ability to make friends. I have a hard time approaching people and I worry a lot that maybe I'm being annoying or creepy (this does also stem from being treated badly by a friend when I was really young but yeah). I don't want my autism to prevent me from making friends. But right now I'm just having a lot of trouble, it's worrying me, and not having anyone to converse with for several months is causing my mental health to decline somewhat. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I really want more friends and people to talk to, I can identify people I wanna be friends with, but I can't seem to actually MAKE friends. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I'm starting to worry that maybe I'm unpleasant to be around or something.

 

I feel really embarrassed posting something so personal here but I don't know who I can talk to honestly... I would really appreciate some advice or tips or just anything at all.

Edited November 8, 2019 by iwazaruscof

[Aqub]

@iwazaruscof Not advice or tips, but if you'd like to talk to me you can add me on discord: Aqub#6309.  You mention you like drawing, I would love to see some of your art!

[Rally Vincent]

@iwazaruscof Have you thought about dedicated message boards for your interests instead of a general chat site? Maybe it is easier to find someone to talk to starting with a shared interest. If you are studying Japanese and like video games that are kind of niche (maybe visual novels?), you can look for a message board that caters to that aspect. You'll start with some sort of common ground, that sort of kickstart can be a great help in getting to know people there. It will not be some magic trick to gain insta-friends, though, but a chance to hang out with like-minded people.