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Obscure_Trash

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I always thought I had a good relationship with my mother (59). My brother and I rented out an apartment for a year and just recently moved back in to our parents place. My brother is a highly functioning autistic adult and we were supposed to be moving to Florida together; which we discovered that we didn't want to live with each other anymore. I work for Walmart over in Online Grocery Pickup and it has exhausted me in recent months due to the pandemic (just made 6 years a couple days ago). 

 

What basically happened was was that I was asking my mom about possible jobs that I can apply to and both her and my stepdad are livid at me. Only my mom talked to me saying that I don't do my best to make myself decent, that I have the patience roadrunner to my brother (I ended up losing a lot of my patience due to him being able to conplain and grip about his work and i couldn't do the same back- he always barged into my room without knocking first and basically I got tired of him playing Fortnight); not to mention that she said I became very bitter and self centered during this past year. While it's true that they had to fight me to get to do chores in my teenager years- 6 years later as an adult and it's hard to do chores when working at Walmart.

 

My mom said that I became the person that they thought our oldest brother was going to become later in life and that she was very disappointed in me. She said that the past year was a complete failure and that it wasn't my brother's fault (implying that I'm the failure). She hates that I am always on Discord talking to people that I can relate to and talk in my free time because I'm always too tired to go anywhere. 

 

I don't really know what to do at this point or where to go. I really just want to avoid them but... I can't in this current situation. 

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Warning: this post contains LGBT+ content. If you're going to hate on that or on me than please leave. I can't take it.

So, I live in an extremely strict catholic household. Everybody is homophobic, transphobic, ect. They do not support the LGBT+ community and as far as I'm concerned do not approve of furries either. I've lived here for 14 years of my life. I've lived 14 years of my life the wrong gender, fitting my parents fake standers, pretending to be somebody I'm not.

And I can no longer take it. I'm not okay.

My dysphoria is acting up, I want my hair cut, I can't find my chest binder (pretty sure they threw it out), I can't find my tan pants from the mens section or my trans pride flag either. This is making me go crazy. I'm forced to live in a girl's body even though I'm not female and I can't tell anybody about it because they'll tell me 'it's a phase' or 'that doesn't exist.' I know this because I once tried to come out to them as trans and these are some things they said. I'm in a dark pit of depression and need help before I fall too deep.

So please, any advice to help my mental health?

My parents (Mostly my dad) openly fat shame me and it sucks. They also insult me at least twice a day. Coupled with my depression doesn't make a healthy or happy person.

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Morphie - I have a relative who is also stuck in the wrong body too, and who has Generalised Anxiety Disorder and also autism. (He is, however, supported in all this by most family members, I realise that makes it a bit easier for him.) He finds on line trans forums of people really helpful. The big thing is to remember that you are not alone.

 

@Dalek It's tough living with anyone with autism. It will stay that way until you move out, I'm sorry to say. But if your parents are unsupportive - you are (by your profile) old enough to ignore them, however much it hurts. You are yourself, not the person they describe you as. Is there no way you can move out - without your brother ? He isn't actually your responsibility. It almost sounds as though they expect you to take care of him.  If you need to be on Discord - fine - but have you friends you can spend time with, away from your parents ?

 

It also sounds as though your stepdad might have changed your mother's attitude - when did she take up with him ?

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Posted (edited)

@Fuzzbucket I have no friends in real life because of where i live. We moved so many times in my childhood that I found it easier to relate to people online than talking and making friends. Even if I did have friends before I'd always have to go to their house since no one would want to come out here. But yes, you're right when you say that, I'm trying to find something so I can move out of my current situation otherwise I'd just take my cat and necessary items and just drive away. 

 

The only thing that's really keeping me here is money issues rn. The apartment we rented took a good chunk of the money I had saved. 

 

Edit: I haven't talked to anyone since the other night because I'm angry with them. Mom also told me that they were considering to move me out to stepdad's shop (which I honestly wouldn't mind at this point- it's a separate building on the property). I don't think she realised that she just destroyed our relationship with that phrase and that i don't want to do anything with them anymore

 

Big Update: My mom is basically forcing me to move out again and I have no where to go. She said it hurt her for her to say those things and when I tried talking, she shut me down

Edited by Dalek

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Well - it may be tough - but it may well end up with your feeling better. Will she let you live in the shop ?

 

But try to look on it as a new beginning, hard though it will be.

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@Morphie

You might want to try and call the Lifeline. While it is quite drastically called "https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/" they generally give free and confidential support for people in distress. Maybe they can also direct you to people who can help you with finding a way to get into the "proper" body (AFAIK it is easier if people start as early as possible with the hormone therapy), although I have no idea how this is funded in the US.

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Posted (edited)

@Fuzzbucket the problem is I have no where to go and no one to turn to; and I don't thibk they're going to offer the shop 

Edited by Dalek

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I don't know where you are - but I'd start with asking the Salvation Army for advice. They are quite amazing. (No I'm not religious - they will help anyone who asks.)

 

One thing though - and don't take it the wrong way. DO be careful not to get into a "yes, BUT" frame of mind. If you take the line that anything anyone suggests can't work "because", you will never get out of this situation. If they were beating you to a pulp, you'd find a way to leave, Imagine that's the way things are; what will you do now ?

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@Fuzzbucket update on that, stepdad wants me to change who I am and start applying myself more to talking with them and other people. I don't want to give up gaming and changing what i love to do just for the sake to please them. I don't know how to talk to them without them coming down on me

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Posted (edited)

Then you have to leave. OR comply, of course. But it IS your choice - however hard it is.

 

Or - if he will go along with it - agree some sort of deal - you will talk to them at x time or for x hours a day, and they will agree not to come down on you, and will leave you alone the rest of the time.

 

Was it like this before your stepdad came into the picture, though ?

Edited by Fuzzbucket

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1 hour ago, Fuzzbucket said:

Then you have to leave. OR comply, of course. But it IS your choice - however hard it is.

 

Or - if he will go along with it - agree some sort of deal - you will talk to them at x time or for x hours a day, and they will agree not to come down on you, and will leave you alone the rest of the time.

 

Was it like this before your stepdad came into the picture, though ?

Honestly, I couldn't tell you. He's been part of our lives ever simce before my teenager years but i always loved playing video games and whatnot. Kind of surprised at this behaviour from them tbh. I am an adult and they're the ones throwing the fit over the choices I make and yet they're telling me to be the adult. 

 

And yes, as soon as I find something affordable after putting up with it for a bit, I will move and ho no contact with any of them. Should they support me in my choices no matter what I do though? I feel like none of them understand the world of technology and how much easier it is for me to relate to people. I really don't know how to get them to understand that I feel much more comfortable being myself online than other people; not to mention less pressured; without them yelling at me. 

 

Yeah, I admit I let myself become addicted to all this but I can still talk to my friends and do stuff 

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Posted (edited)

It's a shame that they don't understand on line contact, sure. But if it frightens them that that is your primary interaction with other people, I can see where they are coming from - especially if it is primarily gaming. Internet addiction is a really serious thing and can actually do serious damage. It can also be frightening to watch in someone we care about.

 

Try to explain about the yelling thing and how that makes it harder for you to try to relate to them ? Write down very carefully how you feel about all this stuff; why on line is so important; what you are prepared to do to accommodate their fears (you are living in their house, and as we see so often on Judge Judy, "Their house, their rules".)

 

There is, to be honest, no "should" about supporting choices , though. They could, after all, argue that you should support them in their choices - to have you help with chores and interact with them more. It's more a matter of compromise. Have they said NO internet, NO gaming ?

Edited by Fuzzbucket

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Honestly, I'm not even on the internet all the time- I have a real actual job that I have to interact with people (and they really don't want me to "freeload"?) But no, they haven't said no internet/gaming but they want me to spend less time from it. 

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Posted (edited)

@Dalek

What about setting up a proper schedule? You might even benefit from such in the way that more structure in your day gives you time to do things you haven thought about.

 

I would suggest you write a letter like Fuzzbucket suggested where you explain that you feel intimidated by their yelling as soon as you try to discuss things and ask whether it would be possible to sit down and calmly discuss stuff. And when you go about the discussion, best write a short paper where you put down keywords which you want to address with numbers and between each line write a big "breathe slowly, keep calm" for yourself, as it is very likely that not only your parents get upset, but you, too.

 

Then suggest the schedule/time table idea. E.g. you get up, sit down with them for breakfast for half an hour, then help tidying up there for another half hour before going to work. When you come from work, tell them you need at least one hour to relax, where you can game. Then set up an hour family time, maybe watch TV with them, talk, then get another hour of online time, then maybe dinner with them where you'd have some more interaction time, and the evening should be yours again.

 

Wouldn't that be a workable idea, at least for the time until you can move out?

 

Edited by Astreya
I really hate typos

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That kind of thing exactly, Astreya. It does need to involve give as well as take. You feel they are unreasonable. Bear in mind that they feel that way about you too - and I suspect they are also worried about you. Being a parent is hell. I know this.

 

It's mutual, and it needs a mutual solution.

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Posted (edited)

@Dalek

I gonna try to keep this short (lol)since I'm limited to a spazzy phone till I get my internet hooked up in my new place. 

 

Sometimes no matter which method you use some people are stuck in how they think and treat others.  I'm not gonna get deep into my family issues for the aforementioned reason. Just a short bit of info to understand the context of my situation. I was dealing with a brother who is a drug addict, was very abusive to me hung out with gang members who were known for abusing girls and a mother who refused to listen and put the blame on me and that I was the problem. if you think I didn't try every possible method to communicate with them,  you'd be dead wrong.  I tried talking reasonably and calm to explain things to them. I have tried writing it down like you all have mentioned.  I have tried to have others mediate.  Many many ways did I try. Not one worked  Sometimes you have to accept that you can't reason or reach them with any method.  You though are the one with the power to let the way they talk and treat you, hurt you  Understand the problem is with them not you. If you want to live your life your way your gonna have to do the work.  Save your money, get your own place and if they still won't treat you with respect, you tell them if they don't you won't have anything to do with them until they do. Don't feel obligated to move in with your brother while he is family he isn't your child and not your responsibility, don't feel guilty for not wanting what your parents do cause it's your life not theirs.  Do what will make you the happiest even if you have to sever ties with your family. In the end that might be the only real thing you can do. 

 

Also I was given dishes as my chore growing up,  I hated it and would refuse to do them.  Perversely I won't let anyone else do the dishes now, growing up with a drug addict or I should say more than one since my mom is one too just a higher functioning one. He isn't the cleanest person so I became slightly germaphobic and don't feel others are cleaning the dishes good enough. 🙃

 

As for the internet/gaming it goes back to how bad do you want to live your life your way.  For a time you might need to sacrifice a bit more of your online/gaming time if you want to leave on your terms and as fast as you can.  Cut back on any frivolous spending save every penny you can. Only you can decide just how determined you are to live freely and how much and how far you'll go to achieve your goals. I support you and I know you can do it. Don't let anyone hold you back, even yourself,  don't doubt yourself or your self-worth. You are strong and brave enough to do this your way!

 

  My opinion is I wouldn't suggest moving to Florida if you find you don't like it here it can be really hard to save up to leave, you could get stuck here for a long time. I've been trying to leave for a long time and I only just got out of S. Fla, I didn't even manage to get completely out of Florida which is my goal. 

Edited by AngelsSin

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I lost my job a year ago, due to a workplace injury that worker's compensation then refused to cover. Long story short, I'm doing much better now but still fragile and still out of work. My husband has a steady job, but works long hours. His job can keep us afloat, but we can't move forward. The quarantine is starting to get to us, too, even though in our area it doesn't feel safe yet to go back to "normal."

Over the last six months, my husband's mood has just gone down. I think its been coming on for longer than that but now its really noticeable and hard for me to deal with. He's lost interest in his hobbies other than watching TV or playing online games. He's often glum and hopeless about the future. He hasn't been sleeping well and is always tired. He feels guilty, like he's failed by picking the wrong career or getting the wrong degree, because he wants to be able to support both of us on his own. I don't think he's a suicide risk, but when I do try to talk to him about this and make suggestions of little life improvements - walks, better eating, meditation or yoga - he rejects it out of hand, just saying this is life and anyone trying to think otherwise is deluding themselves.

I feel terrible for him, and I worry its not going to get better once I find a job. I just want him to feel better, but its hard not to get frustrated in dealing with him also. 😢😢😢

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Posted (edited)

When I went to the dentist a couple weeks ago and I had got a script for some pain meds that at the time I didn't need and didn't have the money for and my mom claimed not to have the money either but I intended to fill it to manage my pain for when I started working since I knew my pain would increase when I did. My mom held on to the script, which I knew deep down was a bad idea. I forgot somehow she was able to pick up the prescription mouthwash I was prescribed without me. I tried before to see if she could fill it but kept claiming not to have the money for it. I tried to get the script from her today and got a bunch of b.s. First she said she went to fill it but claimed it was expensive which I knew it was not. Then she claimed she took the script back from the place when she saw how expensive it was and said she was gonna take it to another place but couldn't find it that it was possible she accidentally threw it out or lost it. I asked for the number to call the pharmacy to see if they still had it she didn't give it to me but she told me it was at the location where she got the mouthwash. She just kept giving me lies and I knew they were lies you don't grow up in a house of compulsive liars without learning how to spot a lie. So in the end I got the mouthwash I still had and got the number called the pharmacy to see what happened and sure enough a couple weeks ago she filled and paid for it. So I let them know not to give my scripts out without checking ID and no one but me should be getting it. But 💩 😤🤬 I am pretty pissed right now. And she is caught in her lies just like my brother. You would think she wouldn't be so stupid I am really really good at spotting lies, god knows I've called my mom and my brother out on their lies countless times. you would think they would know better by now. Now to either call her out on it to her face or not. It was only 15 pills but given the way I am about meds I would have cut each pills into tiny tiny little slivers and it could have lasted me months. I am careful about meds since I don't want to be like them. This is just one of the many reasons why I can't stand my family. Damn I'm in a bad mood now. 

 

Ok so I did confront her. I did so because I know myself and knew it would just build in me till I ended up confronting her in anger, which I was trying to avoid.

I did it via text since when I get upset I get loud and she gets upset and nasty when I get loud so I opted for text. First she kept denying it playing dumb like she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her I know the truth I called the pharmacy and found it was paid for and told her the date as well. She denied it was her so I said (knowing I wouldn't risk her getting in trouble) that if it absolutely wasn't her then she wouldn't mind if I called them back had them go through the camera feeds and press charges against whoever did it and not to just say it wasn't her that I would call them to do it. She went silent. I said I wasn't mad that I forgive her. I just wish she would have been honest with me since I hate lying more than anything. She has yet to respond. Honestly I'm not mad anymore just disappointed. I really do have lying more than what she did. I can't leave a lie alone. I tend to dig and dig till I get the truth and then call them out when I have actual confirmation on the lie.

To be honest I've been in more pain lately not tooth related mostly sciatica, headaches. I could have used a little relief but sad to say I'm a bit used to being in constant pain so in the end just another day. And feeling a bit down and worried about my mom. I'm sure she panicked when I called her out and I'm worried she might feel down too.

Edited by AngelsSin

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Posted (edited)

@AngelsSin

What kind of painkillers are these? Something like oxycodone? If yes and she's addicted to one of these opioids that seem to be pretty ubiquitous in the US due to severe overprescription, then lying to get it would be part of the addiction. Additionally, such drugs can lead to psychological effects as well.

(Interestingly I just looked up opioids as my Dad's GP prescribed him tilidine today which is allowed in Germany (as it is combined with naloxone against its addictive feature here) but prohibited in the US, thus I stumbled over the huge problem the US seems to have with painkillers lately.)

 

Edited by Astreya

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Nothing that strong I can't even take a sliver of a piece of that type of pill it was just lortab. I react badly to anything strong. But she was a medical assistant and would take home pills from work all the time and my brother would steal pills from her and he was really bad he did oxy, xanax, and heroin anything he could get his hands on, she would take from work lortab, tylenol3 and valium. If you go by what my mom says that everyone in the medical field is either an addict or an alcoholic, not that I believe that but I'm sure a lot take advantage of the access they have cause of their jobs.

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@AngelsSin

Lortab is hydrocodone, which is an opioid, too, so this probably laid the base for her addiction. And yes, unfortunately there are not too few people in the medical field who get addicted due to the stress they are under and the easy availability of prescription meds for them. It is an issue in Germany, too. The big problem with all addictions of such kind is that they warp the character of the addicted persons and they only see the need to feed their addiction and moral values completely evaporate in time.

I fear it won't help you much, but the inclination to lie of your mom and your brother (and to steal particularly in his case) are in fact a symptom of the disease that they can't help until they get off their addiction.

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Posted (edited)

@Astreya

 

I know.  my mom was actually hit by a car while she was walking on the sidewalk when I was little. That started her addiction. Understandable but she treated me horribly growing up same with my brother while she is a high functioning addict my brother has been out of control for a long time and his behavior especially to me is beyond horrible. I don't doubt I have ptsd from living in that type of madness for so long. They both have been lying for a long time. But her out and out stealing from me is not typical behavior for her. I expect to be lied to when confronted that's typical defensive behavior when caught in a lie. My brother says " even if your caught red handed deny, deny, deny"

 

given I was injured myself I understand how opioids get you. They warn you that they are addictive but not how they work to addict you. I would take the least I could to reduce not even completely take away the pain but still I was affected but once I understood the process I stopped completely. Pain meds help with the pain but after a short time they actually start increasing your pain so you end up taking more and more often till it's out of control. Once I knew it was easy for me to deny the impulse but they aren't that strong.

Edited by AngelsSin

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@AngelsSin

I fear it would be best for you if you could try to avoid them both for as much as possible as they obviously drag you down all the time. And unfortunately you can't help them at all as much as you probably would like to. They need to want help themselves, anything else is probably useless. The most important thing for you is to understand that nothing of this is your fault and it is not your responsibility to get them out of this. The only responsibility for you is to protect yourself from this misery. *hugs*

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@AngelsSin

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you'll find a solution ASAP. And definitely give your brother a huge berth for your own safety!

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Posted (edited)

14 minutes ago, Astreya said:

@AngelsSin

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you'll find a solution ASAP. And definitely give your brother a huge berth for your own safety!

 

I intend to! It helps that he is still in S. Fla. And I'm up by Orlando now. I have no intentions of having any contact with him and I've made clear to my mom that I want nothing to do with him. I am motivated to get free of them for good. And when I am motivated I tend to over do it a bit like when I needed to lose some weight i put on I worked out so much I had to take a break for going unintentionally too far in the other direction. So I know I will be saving everything I earn with no frivolous spending.

 

So no worries I'm pretty tough at least on the inside!

Edited by AngelsSin

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