Emotional Support

[GhostMouse]

4 hours ago, Dalek said:

I'm doing horrible. My family is displaced because of Hurricane Ida, it's been a week and a half already without power at our house, I miss my cats, i want to go back to work. I just feel like crying because Demco is such a horrible company and isn't actually giving us reasons to why they keep shutting the power off sometimes. Its just the same old line- 'our linemen are hard at work.' We get it, we're grateful that they are, but they're so darn picky with who they respond to if they ever do. Stop repeating things. Please. I need to have a hug or something but for the love of God, give out details as to why you keep turning the power off. Sorry if this turned into a rant. I just can't take this anymore

I'm so sorry, that's got to be incredibly frustrating. I hope you see actual progress soon.

[AsymDoll13]

I'm sad. My sever year old cat ran away, and I have zero idea how to find him. He's my baby. Like... I bottle fed that cutie. I miss him so much that it hurts... 

[Aniia]

I'm so sorry that happened to you! Lost pets are so sad and stressful. Here are a few ideas, since I don't know what you've already tried...

 

Some cities have organizations that can help identify and locate your pet. You could check if there are any in your area.

If your cat is normally an indoor cat, chances are it may stay and hide close to home. If you try calling the cat, do it calmly and don't make loud noise that could spook it. If you can find it hiding outside, put out some food and water near the front door, and maybe it'll come back inside.

You could try searching your house thoroughly to make sure the cat's really gone. I've found my cat in places as stupid as inside the lining of the couch, inside the mattress springs, and once he got trapped in the basement and was hiding under the staircase from the noisy washing machine. If they're scared or hurt they can get into some crazy places, so check chairs, furniture, and cupboards.

This website I found recommends grabbing your smelly and sweaty clothes, shoes, and some cat food, and walking all around your property to spread your scent around so the cat can follow it home. Then leave the clothes and shoes outside to spread the familiar smell.

You could set up a cat trap or cardboard box with some food and water in case it comes back to eat.

The best time to look for the cat is in the middle of the night or wee hours of the morning. Take a flashlight and some food, and the sound of the food opening might lure back the cat.

Post fliers with pictures of your cat around the community, maybe put some in local papers as well. Let the vets and shelters in the area know your cat is missing, in case someone else brings them in. If you have any old addresses, check them out in case the cat is returning to a previous home.

If there is roadkill in your area, dispose of it so it doesn't attract the cat.

Check local ads to see if someone has found your cat.

Work outside or spend time outside - maybe the cat will hear your voice and come to you, or you will spot the cat.

Check the trees in your yard to make sure the cat isn't trapped up a tree. Let the neighbors know your cat is missing and show them pictures.

Don't lose hope! My friend's cat got out and they assumed it was gone for good, but then he walked back into the house three weeks later as if he'd never left, just hungry!

 

 

[AsymDoll13]

1 hour ago, Aniia said:

I'm so sorry that happened to you! Lost pets are so sad and stressful. Here are a few ideas, since I don't know what you've already tried...

 

Some cities have organizations that can help identify and locate your pet. You could check if there are any in your area.

If your cat is normally an indoor cat, chances are it may stay and hide close to home. If you try calling the cat, do it calmly and don't make loud noise that could spook it. If you can find it hiding outside, put out some food and water near the front door, and maybe it'll come back inside.

You could try searching your house thoroughly to make sure the cat's really gone. I've found my cat in places as stupid as inside the lining of the couch, inside the mattress springs, and once he got trapped in the basement and was hiding under the staircase from the noisy washing machine. If they're scared or hurt they can get into some crazy places, so check chairs, furniture, and cupboards.

This website I found recommends grabbing your smelly and sweaty clothes, shoes, and some cat food, and walking all around your property to spread your scent around so the cat can follow it home. Then leave the clothes and shoes outside to spread the familiar smell.

You could set up a cat trap or cardboard box with some food and water in case it comes back to eat.

The best time to look for the cat is in the middle of the night or wee hours of the morning. Take a flashlight and some food, and the sound of the food opening might lure back the cat.

Post fliers with pictures of your cat around the community, maybe put some in local papers as well. Let the vets and shelters in the area know your cat is missing, in case someone else brings them in. If you have any old addresses, check them out in case the cat is returning to a previous home.

If there is roadkill in your area, dispose of it so it doesn't attract the cat.

Check local ads to see if someone has found your cat.

Work outside or spend time outside - maybe the cat will hear your voice and come to you, or you will spot the cat.

Check the trees in your yard to make sure the cat isn't trapped up a tree. Let the neighbors know your cat is missing and show them pictures.

Don't lose hope! My friend's cat got out and they assumed it was gone for good, but then he walked back into the house three weeks later as if he'd never left, just hungry!

 

 

I've done a lot of these things, but I can't go there everyday. He was at my uncle's house while I was staying with a friend (my family had to move), and yeah... Unfortunately... I'm in a town about half an hour or so away, so all I can do is hope that my mother will see him. I'm just sad. 

[Aniia]

I understand, that's so stressful and sad. I hope your cat finds its way back to you somehow! It's so hard to lose a pet I'm sending you lots of hugs!

[AsymDoll13]

Just now, Aniia said:

I understand, that's so stressful and sad. I hope your cat finds its way back to you somehow! It's so hard to lose a pet I'm sending you lots of hugs!

 

Thank you so much! That means a lot!

[Twyro]

My dad passed away the day before yesterday, a bit less than a month away from his 56th birthday, which would have been on October 19th. The last time I saw him was on August the 12th, just one day before my summer vacation trip. When I got back, he said that he wanted to postpone our plans to see each other because he didn't feel well. Several days afterwards we found out that he had covid.

He was initially sent to home isolation with treatment which he didn't react to, so five days from then he was admitted to one of the hospitals that treats covid patients. He spent ten days on oxygen treatment, which sadly didn't work as he kept getting worse, and then he was put on a ventilator as the last resort to try and save his life, along with a tracheotomy.  Every medicine was used, every treatment protocol was implemented on him, the best doctors and nurses did everything they could to save his life, but sadly not even everything was enough to help him stay.

The two weeks of him being in hospital were, and forever will be, the worst two weeks of my life. I feel like I've aged around 30 years in that time. I was begging the doctors to let me see him and say goodbye because it's been over a month since the last time I've seen him alive, but they aren't letting anyone come near the bodies of those who died of covid because we're in a pandemic. 

We spent months arguing about him getting vaccinated - I begged him, his mother begged him, his wife and friends begged him, everyone begged him, but for some unknown and painful reason he never wanted to. It hurts me that all of this could have been prevented if he had just listened, and it kills me that the doctors who treated him told me that he regretted it so much he couldn't calm down while he was conscious and that he spent his last conscious days afraid, in regret and alone.  I'm dreading of the day of his funeral and I don't know how I'm going to make it through it, and it breaks me that I couldn't see him that one last time to say goodbye. I'm in a roller coaster between painful grief and complete disbelief, my younger siblings are in shock and in so much pain, and everything feels like a horrible dream that I'll never wake up from. 

Everything in my life that is going to happen in the future will feel so incomplete without him. He won't be there for so many things ahead for us, the memories will feel so lacking and the new reality we're all forced to come to terms with is going to hurt so much. My dad was a good man who made a mistake, and I don't know if I'll ever manage to get over the injustice that he had to pay for his mistake with his life. I wish he had recovered and got the second chance for us to make things right because he spent his final conscious moments regretting, and it breaks my heart that he won't enjoy fulfilling his wishes, plans and time with us. He was a good and kind man who loved everyone and everything and he didn't deserve to die before he even turned 56. I know he would love for me, and all of us who loved him, to gather the strength to live our lives to the fullest because he lived that way himself, but no one ever prepares you for this. Even during the worst moments, there was that tiny glimmer of hope we held on to while he was still breathing, and it hurt like hell when covid just decided to heartlessly take it away from us. 

Please, hug your loved ones and tell them you love them. Use every opportunity to love them, because one day you'll regret for all the opportunities that you missed.

Edited September 27, 2021 by Twyro

[HeatherMarie]

Oh goodness @Twyro I'm so so sorry for your loss. That must be especially horrible, knowing how upset he was in the end.  Sending lots of vibes for you and your family!

[AsymDoll13]

@Twyro I lost my grandmother to Covid a year ago now, I guess. Dunno how it's been that long. But it's so painful, as I was at a friend's home while she (and the rest of my immediate family) struggled with Covid. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone to Covid is... it's freaking hard. And she would have never gotten the vaccine either, I don't believe. I am sending you so many good vibes at the moment and even a virtual hug. Remember to take a few breaths now and then for yourself, even if it's just a shower or a nice yummy treat for yourself.

[HeatherMarie]

I've talked about my anxiety and depression issues here before, despite the whole pandemic thing I kind of felt like things were doing alright for awhile... Or more accurately I sort of felt like this whole pandemic, losing my job, being the 'adult' around the house, etc etc was going to be temporary and it was hard but I was dealing because it's temporary and I can do it just a little longer.... But how long, now? At this point it just feels never-ending and I'm kind of starting to feel like I'm on the edge of just breaking but at the same time I'm kinda-sorta still just dealing with it all but it's kind of like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I can't possibly keep this up forever? And I have no idea if any of that made sense. 

 

I'm 34 years old but I've never truly seen myself as an Adult, and I don't know if that's because of my anxiety/depression and the toll it's taken on my adult-life or what but I just can't *be* a Responsible Adult for months and months on end. Until the pandemic started most of my adult life has been stretches of 'doing okay, doing adult things like working and there are anxiety attacks but I'm alright' and then 'nope can't do this total breakdown can't do a dang thing for weeks' and that seems to cycle at least twice a year. Most years since I started working I've had to take weeks off of work to deal with my mental health and I just literally can't do anything productive in any sense during that time except talking with doctors and such. In April I went inpatient briefly but that wasn't even really connected to my 'normal' anxiety and depression issues and I kind of feel like that helped for that specific scenario but then I just came home and it's just the same stuff for months and months again.  I'm doing all this Adult stuff like grocery shopping and laundry and chores and caring for my mom and the anxiety is pretty bad but I'm dealing, but every single day it feels like I'm kind of edging closer and closer to that 'can't do this total breakdown' except this time I can't just shut down and let someone else be responsible while I recover because there is no one, mom can still barely do dishes without her leg giving out on her.... I don't know, I just feel so helpless and worried.

[Aniia]

10 hours ago, HeatherMarie said:

I've talked about my anxiety and depression issues here before, despite the whole pandemic thing I kind of felt like things were doing alright for awhile... Or more accurately I sort of felt like this whole pandemic, losing my job, being the 'adult' around the house, etc etc was going to be temporary and it was hard but I was dealing because it's temporary and I can do it just a little longer.... But how long, now? At this point it just feels never-ending and I'm kind of starting to feel like I'm on the edge of just breaking but at the same time I'm kinda-sorta still just dealing with it all but it's kind of like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I can't possibly keep this up forever? And I have no idea if any of that made sense. 

 

I'm 34 years old but I've never truly seen myself as an Adult, and I don't know if that's because of my anxiety/depression and the toll it's taken on my adult-life or what but I just can't *be* a Responsible Adult for months and months on end. Until the pandemic started most of my adult life has been stretches of 'doing okay, doing adult things like working and there are anxiety attacks but I'm alright' and then 'nope can't do this total breakdown can't do a dang thing for weeks' and that seems to cycle at least twice a year. Most years since I started working I've had to take weeks off of work to deal with my mental health and I just literally can't do anything productive in any sense during that time except talking with doctors and such. In April I went inpatient briefly but that wasn't even really connected to my 'normal' anxiety and depression issues and I kind of feel like that helped for that specific scenario but then I just came home and it's just the same stuff for months and months again.  I'm doing all this Adult stuff like grocery shopping and laundry and chores and caring for my mom and the anxiety is pretty bad but I'm dealing, but every single day it feels like I'm kind of edging closer and closer to that 'can't do this total breakdown' except this time I can't just shut down and let someone else be responsible while I recover because there is no one, mom can still barely do dishes without her leg giving out on her.... I don't know, I just feel so helpless and worried.

 

I relate to so much of this. *hugs* I think a lot of us have trouble feeling like we live up to this image of Successful Adult that we grew up with. It makes me wonder sometimes if my parents, at my age (mid-thirties), ever really felt Adult themselves.

 

While I don't have a nicely packaged answer for you, I can list some things have helped me to cope (so far). Music has been one of the best things for me, whether I want something happy to distract, or something angsty to match my mood. I am a huge believer in music therapy. Guided meditations on youtube have been useful to just pause my anxiety and sort of reset my focus. Turning off the news was a huge help, it nearly cured my insomnia. Other than that, I try to worry less about Big Picture things (especially when I can't do anything about them) and try to feel satisfied in the little things I accomplish during the day, even if that's just unloading our dishwasher or cooking dinner.

[Venodeen]

Hello... First of all I am sorry to hear what people are going through here :c please feel hugged!

 

I currently feel very stuck in my life... I quitted my job and currently having trouble to decide what job to pick since there are equal pros and cons in the offers I got. I really cant make a decision and it stresses me out because I know I have to decide tomorrow and I cant think straight. Like I get a break down every time someone asks me about how I decided and I hate it because I usually feel very clear about decisions I make and ugh...

 

I think the biggest problem is that I adopted two little kittens two months ago and I feel like I have post partum depression...?? Like I WANTED these cats and now I just feel tiered and burnt out all the time... I just cant get myself to .. love? them... and it feels so horrible to even say that and I feel like a horrible person... I am sorry to dump all that here. Maybe someone has an advice? ... Anyway thanks for reading really it means a lot. 

[HeatherMarie]

Just kinda need to get this out since I can't talk about it with anyone right now... Sometimes I really feel like my mom doesn't care about my anxiety or is just very dismissive of it. I *know* she cares, we have a great relationship and I know she worries about my issues, but it often feels like she just doesn't consider what her actions will do to my anxiety or doesn't care enough about helping my anxiety to allow any little inconvenience for herself. It's stuff that *sounds* like no big deal but because of my severe anxiety, especially when it comes to my mom's health and safety, it really really is a big deal. Stuff like her texting to ask if she can go to the grocery store after her appt, *knowing* that I'm already anxious about her being gone this long to begin with, and then when I text back that I'd really prefer she didn't and I need stuff too so can we wait until tomorrow, she *still* goes but doesn't actually *tell* me so I'm sitting here freaking out wondering why it's taking so long for her to get home. Again, seemingly small stuff if it wasn't for the anxiety, but this is a *constant* issue and it's really really frustrating. I don't appreciate crying and having to take an anxiety pill just because mom doesn't take my issues seriously?

 

@Venodeen Sometimes it takes awhile to really form an attachment to a pet (or child, for that matter), that itself is normal. If you get to a point where you just don't think you can love them and give them what they need, you might look into rehoming, but give it some time. And remember to take time for yourself, kittens are demanding little things but you need to care for yourself too.

[Venodeen]

21 hours ago, HeatherMarie said:

Just kinda need to get this out since I can't talk about it with anyone right now... Sometimes I really feel like my mom doesn't care about my anxiety or is just very dismissive of it. I *know* she cares, we have a great relationship and I know she worries about my issues, but it often feels like she just doesn't consider what her actions will do to my anxiety or doesn't care enough about helping my anxiety to allow any little inconvenience for herself. It's stuff that *sounds* like no big deal but because of my severe anxiety, especially when it comes to my mom's health and safety, it really really is a big deal. Stuff like her texting to ask if she can go to the grocery store after her appt, *knowing* that I'm already anxious about her being gone this long to begin with, and then when I text back that I'd really prefer she didn't and I need stuff too so can we wait until tomorrow, she *still* goes but doesn't actually *tell* me so I'm sitting here freaking out wondering why it's taking so long for her to get home. Again, seemingly small stuff if it wasn't for the anxiety, but this is a *constant* issue and it's really really frustrating. I don't appreciate crying and having to take an anxiety pill just because mom doesn't take my issues seriously?

 

@Venodeen Sometimes it takes awhile to really form an attachment to a pet (or child, for that matter), that itself is normal. If you get to a point where you just don't think you can love them and give them what they need, you might look into rehoming, but give it some time. And remember to take time for yourself, kittens are demanding little things but you need to care for yourself too.

 

I‘m sorry to hear about your issue :c it sounds really frustrating because you have a good relationship with her and her coming  off as insensitive is getting in the way of that… I know its so obvious and I am sure you talked with her about it already but maybe you need to tell her how urgent it is for her to really try and make an effort in respecting your mental condition more? Dont wanna push you into anything youre not ready for ;; feel hugged tho!

 

Thanks for your response! I feel myself getting more attached to them and since I got the job thing done and finally signed my contract I feel even better! The only thing is I cant tell my parents about them atm and I think thats a huge stress factor too Ugh… Anyway I hope I can sort things out soon and tell my parents 💖 thanks again really 💖

[AsymDoll13]

2 minutes ago, Venodeen said:

 

I‘m sorry to hear about your issue :c it sounds really frustrating because you have a good relationship with her and her coming  off as insensitive is getting in the way of that… I know its so obvious and I am sure you talked with her about it already but maybe you need to tell her how urgent it is for her to really try and make an effort in respecting your mental condition more? Dont wanna push you into anything youre not ready for ;; feel hugged tho!

 

Thanks for your response! I feel myself getting more attached to them and since I got the job thing done and finally signed my contract I feel even better! The only thing is I cant tell my parents about them atm and I think thats a huge stress factor too Ugh… Anyway I hope I can sort things out soon and tell my parents 💖 thanks again really 💖

 

To be fair, two kittens is a lot. I'm glad things are doing better. Why can't you tell your parents? I hope it's nothing too serious, and I hope things get better. ^^

[Venodeen]

4 minutes ago, AsymDoll13 said:

 

To be fair, two kittens is a lot. I'm glad things are doing better. Why can't you tell your parents? I hope it's nothing too serious, and I hope things get better. ^^

Yeah! They can be quite a hand full… My cats are indoor cats and my parents have the very strong opinion that cats _need_ to go outside and I dont want them to judge me or tell me I am a bad cat owner especially not right now when I am very emotional about them anyway 😅

[AsymDoll13]

People that think cats go outside are so weird. Don't let them get to you! I have cats, and they are all inside. 

[Aniia]

If your parents give you any judgment about indoor cats, you can inform them that indoor cats live about 15 years. Outdoor cats live on average only 3.5 years.

Having your cats live outdoors shortens their lives by nearly 80%! You are making the right decision.

 

Source: worked with domestic, feral, and wild cats at a shelter and a sanctuary

Edited November 2, 2021 by Aniia
spelling

[jewel21]

For a year I was working in a horrible dental clinic as a receptionist where my co-worker and I were constantly being put down and I was basically told I was lucky to even have a job and if I were to go elsewhere no one would hire me because I couldn't work under pressure, multi-task for handle stress. I have anxiety and depression and take meds. 

I finally quit after finding another job during my vacation. I was called the day after I sent in the CV, went to an interview two days later, came in the next day for a trial and was hired officially the day after. It was a big clinic, 4 receptionists and I was getting good feedback the first month. 

 

Then, about 2 weeks ago the manager called me in the office and said I needed to be more productive, answer the phones faster, and more often, etc. I tried to work on it right away. I was constantly reaching for the phones, starting a few minutes before the others to open the computers, elevator, tv, etc. The one thing that continued to frustrate me was I wasn't getting a lot of billings. The hygienists and dentists would constantly bypass me to hand them to the others even if they already had one. I would ask the receptionists to share, let me know if they needed help,  and most of the time I was told they were fine. In a day maybe I did 4 billings only.

 

Then last Friday, about a week later, I was called into the back office with the boss. He said he was going to be expanding the clinic as I already knew and didn't think I was the right fit for the front office. I was let go. No yelling, nothing. Just thanks and bye. You will be paid for the rest of the day and we'll put it as you were hired as a contract, fulfilled the contract and were let go so as not to jam you up for EI.

 

Only one of the receptionists reached out via messenger and it made me feel good to know she was sad to see me leave but this has really made me feel like **** and made me question my self-worth. Add the fact that after two months no one seems to care I was let go, or bothered to reach out, has only left me feeling even more like crap. 

 

Maybe my other bosses were right and I'm not meant to do this job. 

[Venodeen]

Thank you all for your nice comments! My parents live in a smaller town near where i live and we had a huge garden our family cat could use. So they didnt let our cat wander around outside without any care they just have the opinion that I HAVE to give my cat the OPTION of a garden they could use just like our family cat can do...

 

But sice I live in the city center right beside a road I just cant let my cats go outside I KNOW they would get hit by a car after a week....

[HeatherMarie]

Sending lots of hugs and vibes to @jewel21! That sounds so frustrating and upsetting. Since you were at the new job for such a small amount of time, it doesn't seem like they gave you much of a chance to actually get better at things and work on developing your productivity and such. Now I obviously have no clue about the atmosphere or behind-the-scenes there, but I too have similar issues you've mentioned regarding working under stress and such and the job I had was so good about letting me know (gently) when something needed changing and giving me ample time to get used to the changes and fix things. I'm sure not every job can afford to be like that, but it does seem that your job was just... Too eager to let you go. In which case, as frustrating as it may be, you may be better off somewhere else. 

 

 

I'm going to grumble about my mom yet again, because *see previous post* and Ugh.  I actually talked to her about the whole thing from the previous post, and I *thought* maybe she understood my position and issues a little more... But apparently not? Okay, so, she takes the car to the tire-place this morning to get the tires checked. Keeps in contact with me when it's going to be an hour wait, so far so good. Then she text me 'on my way'.... She was literally 5 minutes away. But 10 minutes passed. And then 15. And then 20. I text her asking if she'd left yet, if she was okay. No response. I *called* her, *twice*, no response. A full *half hour* after the 'on my way' text, I was obviously freaking out and crying and I really didn't know what to do (I mean, this is my worst nightmare, that something happens to her between wherever and home and I don't know any way to find out where she is...) and I was close to calling my case manager out of pure panic.... And then mom calls, annoyed at me, saying she didn't respond because she was driving and she's almost here. Only when she finally gets home does she tell me she didn't *actually* leave when she said 'on my way', and that's why it took so long. And *she's* annoyed at me because I make too big a deal out of it. Yet there are very simple easy quick things *she* could do that would completely negate any of the crying/anxiety/etc (like maybe text *when* she actually left??) and she doesn't seem to think any of her actions or lack of action is a big deal at all. 

[AsymDoll13]

Hey guys. I've been having such a horrible depressive couple of days, and I'm so sick of it. Like... I wanna cry, but... also, that sounds terrible. I'm not sure what to do with myself, as I'd love to do something productive/creative, but I hurt my hand last night, and boom. I'm out of luck. 

[antikrist8]

I found this literally at the right time. My grandma, who I was very close with, passed away this year and my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago and my brother is on the verge of going back to prison. Its a lot at once, not to mention the relationship problems im facing, but I could use some support, as I do not have many friends to vent to.   

[AsymDoll13]

Welp. Crappy end to an alright day. 

 

I've been staying with my best friend and her dad since June (not because I've wanted to), since my family was evicted. My mother has been trying to find a home for myself, her and my dad (who is a piece of work). I try to help out around here, and I try to keep quiet and let them do things. I'm not really a fan of pasta or chicken that they eat all the time, but I make do with that or make myself something else. My bestie has some issues mentally (autism and stuff) and I try to help with that. 

 

Today, my friend's dad messaged my mother asking her to 'resolve the housing situation.' He's been patient this whole time, and guys, she's been trying but it's hard. She had to get her credit up and blah blah blah. I feel like I'm a problem to them now. I just needed to rant a moment. Sorry. 

Edited December 19, 2021 by AsymDoll13

[Emerald01]

I've been reading through the posts and wish I could reply to everything individually, but that could take a while.  I just want you all to know that you are in my thoughts, and maybe what I have to say will help some of you.  Hold on tight!  This is going to be a ramble for the ages!

 

1. 1. I have Bipolar Depression. severe social anxiety, and ADHD. The few times they tried to give me meds for the ADHD, I got horrible hallucinations, so they kind of just gave up.  I never knew how serious ADHD is until recently when I learned that the ADHD is probably the biggest factor in all my problems in life.  For a lot of stupid reasons, I'm also not being treated properly for my depression and anxiety.  Really, the story is SO long!  One of the reasons, though, is that I do not respond to medications like normal people. I'm immune to valium and other sedatives. Other things require 4-8 times the dosage that works on other people. I'm immune and allergic to all the decent painkillers, including Morphine.  So after my foot surgery in May, all I could do was ice it..
    
2. 2. My sister has brain damage from when she was born. She is 3 years older than I am, but when you're 3 years old, it's hard to understand why one is getting punished for things that the 6-year-old sister is allowed to get away with.  And it continued my whole life. Now, I'm 50 and just starting to understand ADHD.  So there's this grief over the idea that, with treatment, my life could have been completely different. Better.  But with a sibling who has significant, obvious challenges, my issues are not taken seriously by my family. I am told to just get over myself or to stop being so lazy.  None of that is helpful.  
    
3. 3. I lost my aunt to COVID this year, but I didn't know her that well, so it didn't have much effect. But I got a real gut punch later in the year.  My grief over losing my service dog was so profound that I wasn't sure I could ever be happy again.  
    
4. 4. My therapist retired without helping me find a replacement. My psychiatrist is retiring and isn't helping me find a replacement. But he hasn't actually done anything to treat me in the 2.5 years I've been in Massachusetts, so whatever. We just have fun chats. So, I have nobody to talk to about things.
    
5. 5. Earlier this year, I had a verbal run-in with this jerk in an online community that I'd been part of for 15 years.  For those same 15 years, I watched this jerk and his clique bully other people in the community. I went to the admins and pointed out the relevant passages in the site rules and what the consequences are meant to be. Absolutely no help. So.  After 15 years, I finally let loose on the guy. 1 post that was just totally savage. I got blocked from the site, and therefore could not even read the messages that the admins sent me. When I emailed them about it, they said they weren't going to allow me back at all.  WTF?  Not a warning or anything.  Just a total ban.  So there went my one outlet.  And a number of people I thought of as friends, too. Only none of them reached out to me after I was kicked off, basically for standing up for all of them who had been victims of the bullying.  Wow. Some friends.
    
6. 6. I moved from my home in Maryland to Massachusetts a couple of years ago. I had to stay with my parents until I found housing. I got to move in on August 1 of this year. August 1st.  It was supposed to be May 1st, but I broke my foot on April 27th, so I had to stay with my parents to help care for Lukey, my service dog.  I was so happy to have a space with just me and Lukey.  Over the course of 3 weeks, he had everyone in the community wrapped around his little paw, including a woman who is terrified of all dogs (let alone a 70 pound Staffordshire Terrier mix) and a man who doesn't like people or animals.  On August 19, Lukey started shivering all the time. I took him to the vet, and they tried some medicine, but then I had to take him to an ER vet. They did a scan that found a giant mass on his heart. He just wasn't going to make it. Damn his stoicism. We might have caught it sooner if he had shown us he was in pain.  I was faced with having to let him go. And then the vet is all, well, you have to pay us $2500. Today. No, you can't make payments.  How heartless do you have to be to do that in that situation?  When I went in to be with him... He wanted so badly to go home.  I should have taken him home, let him have a day of eating everything that was bad for him, given him all the tennis balls...  But I wasn't thinking clearly.  I said goodbye to him on August 23rd.  And I can't even express the regret I feel over not taking him home. For making him spend his last moment in that place.  I have been a wreck ever since. I don't talk to any of my neighbors unless I absolutely have to. I can't get a new service dog until I pay off Lukey's bills and save up for another who is trained for specific social tasks. Most of all, though, I have never in my life felt the sharp, destructive grief that I felt with him gone. I wanted to follow him so badly. But I had promised my family I would never suicide. And I always keep my promises. *sigh*  So I needed something to do.
7. In September, I fell in my apartment, and I could not even get to my hands and knees. I'm 50, so it wasn't like the commercials. It was a blood pressure issue. I'm told that I nearly died because my BP would go down to like 40/15, then shoot way up high, then back down again.  I wish I could say it scared me, but it didn't.  However, during my week in the hospital, while they were trying to stabilize me, I found a mission.  Wayne State University in Detroit Michigan does studies on the very issue that I was having.  And their cardiology department is funded by the National Heart Lung Blood Institute and the NIH.  Half a million a year for 20 years.  What they've been doing with that taxpayer money is cruelly invasive surgeries on dogs to artificially increase their blood pressure and heart rate.  The ones that survive the surgery are made to run on treadmills while the researchers literally mess with those functions, often resulting in death.  Those the survive the treadmills are then euthanized.  There are videos that would break your heart and probably make you sick to your stomach. A handler literally grabbing a dog by the neck and *throwing* it up into its cage. A beagle crying in pain as they force something down its throat.  These taxpayer funded experiments have never once, in 30 years, offered a single benefit.  But they keep doing them, and the NIH keeps giving them money.  
   
   I thought I was going to drive on over to Detroit and crusade my way into saving those dogs.  But my car keeps needing repairs, and I cannot seem to get the kind of outrage from people that is needed to effect change. Every person who hears about it should want to tell everyone they know, but I can't even get the people in my family to share anything on their social media.  I don't understand it. But I made a promise.  To myself, but it counts. So I have to keep trying to stop these awful experiments.  There are other universities and labs doing horrific experiments as well, but at least some of that has come to wider attention (mostly because the Republicans want the chance to go after Anthony Fauci whose NIAID funds the most sick experiments on Beagles, but I don't care WHY they're doing in as long as they are doing it!) So how to accomplish my mission. I don't know. But I can't give up. How anyone with a heart can sleep with the knowledge of what's being done with U.S. taxpayer money... I don't get it.  It's my biggest source of anxiety, anger, and sadness.

So. How do I deal with all these things?

1. 1. When I am trying to explain a problem or a need to my mother, I type it out.  I reread it. I save it. Then I read it again the next day. Just in case. Then I send it to her in a text or email so she can read it in her own time without someone waiting to see how she responds. The more careful I am with words, like making sure she knows I'm grateful, letting her know that I am doing the best I can, sending her links to read to help her see it's not just me being lazy, The more I make sure to not use words that sound like blaming her, the more responsive she is.  It's really hard for someone like my mom to understand my problems. She and my dad both worked their way up from being dirt poor. Like so poor that my mom's mom had to put her kids in an orphanage after their father died. Now they are basically wealthy.  So they don't understand my disabilities. Especially since I "seem normal".
2. 2. I'm a dog person, but I still like cats. I had 3 at once, when I was younger. They can be lots of work, for sure. The only recommendations I can make are to microchip and reach out to area vets and animal control.  Also, if you're not on NextDoor.com, do it.  It's a forum community based entirely on where you live, so you are only talking to people who live in your area.  It's a good place to post about lost pets.
3. 3. I try to handle things in chunks.  Going overboard can actually make doing relatively simple things seem a lot harder. I'm learning to moderate my ... enthusiasm?  Example: I signed up for Noom and was all into it for about 2 months.  And then... nothing. I don't follow the diet info. I don't read the lessons.  Nothing.  And I can't seem to make myself care. (mainly because I have a large stomach and don't like it not being filled. First World problems, right?)  So, I am trying to find a balance.
4. 4. I do NOT ever tell myself things like, "I'm a failure", "I can't do anything right", I shouldn't have to rely on other people", "I should be able to do this. What's wrong with me?", or any of those things.  I'm very good at logic and self-reflection for the most part. I know it's my fault that I haven't been doing the Noom stuff properly, but I knew it would be like this, so I signed up for the private coach to help keep me focused on getting back into the program.  Some people do great with positive sticky notes everywhere.  Those can be really helpful.  They don't work for me, so I have to try other things. I'm able to largely tell myself that I'm a good person. Because I mostly am. I am starting to cope with my guilt over not bringing Lukey home when it was his time.  It's not easy. I let myself feel the feelings.  Wallow in them, even. But I know that I did every darn thing I could to give Lukey the best life possible, and I was right there holding him at the end, and I have to believe he felt that. 
   
   Also, I rely on my phone for a lot. There are apps for journaling. I don't really do that. No idea why. But they can break up into sections like just writing a gratitude note each day. Writing daily affirmations.  All kinds of things.  Even a pomodoro app that helps you break tasks and free time into chunks so you don't overdo anything.
    
5. I'm looking for a new psychiatrist/therapist pairing that actually work together. I feel like it's important for them to be able to communicate about me in order to give the best care.  A top priority will be addressing the ADHD. Preferably without the hallucinations.  But at this point, I'd take anyone who is accepting new patients and takes my insurance!
    
6. I am prioritizing myself.  I have spent a lot of time putting on a mask of okayness. But I'm not okay. I'm not fine. And constantly acting is exhausting.  So, being able to manage my own space in ways that family might think is wrong, is huge. Also, even though it may mean not seeing my family on Christmas, I have taken a dog-sitting job.  The dog will stay with me for 10 days.  Lukey was welcome at my parents' house, but they've made it clear that this one will not be.  But having this dog for 10 days will make me happy.  It is something I need. Not to mention the money. So, if it means someone else is a little less happy, then that's kind of too bad. Because I've learned that I am the only person who will 100% look out for me. I'm the only one who CAN do that.  I have to remember that I just can't be responsible for making everyone else feel better about not having to worry about me.  If they worry about me, then they do.  And they do. Trust me.  But I can't let that change how I handle my life. That hasn't been easy for anyone to accept, but nobody has a choice. 😛
    
7. Watch/read things that make you happy.  I deleted Twitter, Instagram, and most other things like them.  I was going to delete Facebook, too, but it is my only connection to a number of people that I care about, and it has dozens and dozens of save pictures that would take forever to save to my computer.  Basically, I avoid those things that are toxic. They are just..  I don't know. I just can't cope with those levels of what jerks people can be.  So I avoid those as much as possible.
   On the other side, I watch Ryan George's YouTube videos. He does the Pitch Meetings for the ScreenRant channel, and has stuff on his own channel, too. He is so incredibly smart and funny.  Even the ads he includes are wonderfully funny. I listen to the Weekly Planet podcast. Australians have a very special sense of humor that always gets me. 
   Remember when I said I thought I would never be happy again?  I was just scrolling through YouTube one day, and there was thumbnail of Ryan Reynolds. I usually am amused by him, but I was not prepared.  It was his take on the Grace Kelly challenge. If you haven't seen it, go find other videos of it first. The video is much better with the context of the challenge and makes his version extra super duper funny!  And when his version of this showed up in my recommendations, and I watched it.... I felt (only a little because grief) joy. I thought I was never going to feel joy again, but Ryan Reynolds wasn't having that.  He bumped ahead of all the other videos and said, "Oh yeah? Watch THIS!" He may never know that he might have saved my life, but I am so glad for that video.

So when you think all is lost, that there's no point to anything, watch Ryan Reynolds doing the Grace Kelly challenge. Maybe even enjoy the Grace Kelly rabbit hole that it takes you down, because that was an adventure!

 

BTW, those of you from countries that are not the U.S. are probably already familiar with Grace Kelly, by MIKA. America can sometimes go in the opposite directions of the rest of the world. The only thing I knew MIKA from was "Popular" with Ariana Grande, which is super different! How the U.S. didn't get the magic of MIKA is something I don't understand. Anyway, the Grace Kelly challenge is a whole different ball of sunshine! 

 

Remember that there are people who love you. When you are at your very worst, they still love you. When you are screaming at each other, they still love you.  When you're not speaking to each other at all, they still love you.  It's easy to lose sight of that.  So I'm reminding you all.  And if anyone needs someone to talk to, vent, cry, scream, etc. PM me, and I'll give you my cell number.  

 

HUGS ALL AROUND!!! (The worst thing about being banned from that one site is that they had the best emojis! Now I can't access them.)