Q&A: Questions and Answers

[Obscure_Trash]

But sometimes it is a necessary form of punishment. One of my friends has a kid that doesn't listen very well and she will crack him a crossed his butt when he acts up. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. The kid nearly took out my dads TV with a pair of scissors he flung up in the air and behind him. Came within about a foot or so from hitting it.

 

Just yelling at them or talking to them doesn't work all the time. They need to be punished somehow and sometimes smacking there little butts is the only way to do it.

But if it isn't always working, can they be sure it is actually working? It may make him stop sometimes, but has it done anything to solve the problem? Maybe it's just making him angrier.

 

There isn't just hitting and talking (and I would also say you should really talk to a child rather than yell at them). Time outs, writing lines, loss of privileges, and chores are all other consequences.

 

A kid who throws scissors sounds like he might benefit from talking to a professional (perhaps he has other problems or he's trying to communicate something that isn't being listened to or that he doesn't know how to say), as well as the family might benefit from going all together to learn other methods or to talk better to each other or be in neutral ground or something.

 

I mean, I don't know the whole situation, but as I amended in my post, I do believe there are always other solutions than spanking.

 

I overlooked the one punishment about mercy. I don't like religion, and I don't think religion should be used in punishing children. It just goes back to the fire-and-brimstone god that must be feared. As the song goes "...Who said fear is the heart of love, so I never went back." Fearing something does not build a healthy relationship, and certainly does not help in the way of religion.

 

As well, I think parents should try to foster a choice in their children to be able to choose their own religion. o3o

[demonicvampiregirl]

But if it isn't always working, can they be sure it is actually working? It may make him stop sometimes, but has it done anything to solve the problem? Maybe it's just making him angrier.

 

There isn't just hitting and talking (and I would also say you should really talk to a child rather than yell at them). Time outs, writing lines, loss of privileges, and chores are all other consequences.

 

A kid who throws scissors sounds like he might benefit from talking to a professional (perhaps he has other problems or he's trying to communicate something that isn't being listened to or that he doesn't know how to say), as well as the family might benefit from going all together to learn other methods or to talk better to each other or be in neutral ground or something.

 

I mean, I don't know the whole situation, but as I amended in my post, I do believe there are always other solutions than spanking.

 

 

 

As well, I think parents should try to foster a choice in their children to be able to choose their own religion. o3o

Thing is last I heard she was taking him somewhere or planned on it.

 

People DON'T punish their kids anymore unless they really screw up and they still don't get it. People hand out iPhones and give them stuff so they stay out of their way.

 

I don't think there is in some cases. My parents smacked my butt a few times and only once did I get a bruise from a belt and even my mom yelled at my dad for it. Never got hit again after that.

 

Thing is the father of the kid isn't nearby. He lives somewhere else as they have split up and from what I hear his family isn't that good with kids. Was told at one point someone outside of those two had smacked the kid themselves and was doing that harder than necessary and for absolutely no reason other than he ran down the hallway. Also the "father" wants to run around and hang out with his friends more often than do anything for the kid. (or it was that way before they split up)

 

I don't really think I should be telling this though.

 

 

 

 

Just seen the religion line and I fully agree! I stopped believing in any religion but would like to have a choice without having a fear of my family turning against me.

Edited October 3, 2012 by demonicvampiregirl

[7Deadly$ins]

Yeah... so what happens when one spanking doesn't work? Do you just keep piling them on until they're bruised and bloody?

[demonicvampiregirl]

Yeah... so what happens when one spanking doesn't work? Do you just keep piling them on until they're bruised and bloody?

You're acting like I'd continue to hit a child until then. I wouldn't. I'd put them in a corner and if they didn't straighten up they'd lose everything. No computer nothing until they straighten up. They do it again after getting it back repeat the process.

 

So again don't assume I'd do such a thing to a child.

 

It's not abuse if you only smack there butts maybe 1-2 times when they do something bad. My butt got smacked by a belt before did I cry abuse? No, I just cried went to my room and laid down on my bed and learned.

Edited October 3, 2012 by demonicvampiregirl

[S9429183F]

I have a leg problem; I'm knock kneed. My knees touch but my ankles dont. I also walk with 'duck feet' and have difficulty closing my legs. My mother commented that I did not have the problem when I was young(I'm 18 years old) but I have been flat footed for years. And currently I'm overweight(BMI of 27+). Could the knock knees be due to flat feet and being overweight? Are there other ways to correct that leg deformity of mine other than surgery? Thanks a bunch.

Edited October 3, 2012 by S9429183F

[TikindiDragon]

I think if the kid has actually tried it and doesn't like it, they shouldn't be forced into it. I don't eat things I don't like so why should I force them into it?

That's a bit of a tricky one - as there are many shades of 'don't like'. Okay if it's one particular veggie the child really doesn't like, then agreeing not to serve them that one veg if they eat their others isn't a problem. If you have a child insisting that they don't like *any* vegetables.... then letting them get away with not eating any is just going to cause problems in the long term.

 

Given the option the vast majority of children wouldn't choose to eat the things that are healthy for them. And only serving kids the things they really like is a) unhealthy, and going create picky eaters in adulthood.

 

Children are not minature adults. Their brains are still developing, and they won't have the same reasoning capabilities. It does the child no favours to treat them as a small adult.

[Fuzzbucket]

That's a bit of a tricky one - as there are many shades of 'don't like'. Okay if it's one particular veggie the child really doesn't like, then agreeing not to serve them that one veg if they eat their others isn't a problem. If you have a child insisting that they don't like *any* vegetables.... then letting them get away with not eating any is just going to cause problems in the long term.

 

Given the option the vast majority of children wouldn't choose to eat the things that are healthy for them. And only serving kids the things they really like is a) unhealthy, and going create picky eaters in adulthood.

 

Children are not minature adults. Their brains are still developing, and they won't have the same reasoning capabilities. It does the child no favours to treat them as a small adult.

Actually there was a wonderful study a few years ago where they took a load of babies who were just starting on solid foods and left them in front of a total choice of stuff.

 

Some days one would eat nothing but beets, another day bananas and rice - but to the researchers' amazement the overall result was that while they had very odd DAILY diets, they ALL, without exception, picked out a diet that was balanced overall.

 

Also - children's taste-buds are not as developed as adults, In fact mine ate almost anything, but I know that some veggies, for instance, genuinely DO taste vile to a small child, but as their taste-buds develop, this improves. Forcing them to eat whatever it is may considerably delay this (one of mine still avoids porridge for a childhood reason not to do with taste; she is "scarred for life" and it's All My Fault !)

 

I do think people who buy "kids' foods" instead of having children eat with the rest of the family don't help at all, though - except where manufacturers actually reduce salt etc in the children's versions (why don't they do this for ALL foods, though... we all need to cut down on our salt-addiction. Now where's the Marmite... ) . There was a wonderful article about this recently.

 

It's still up so far

 

Also when I was in the supermarket with the girls aged 5 and 7, buying both liver and spinach, the woman behind me in the queue said instantly:"oh lucky you, my kids won't eat that stuff". (The younger of mine piped up "Spinach is yum".) But - where did they get the idea they don't like them ? From the woman herself - who had "had to" eat them when she was a child. Her kids picked up on that and....

 

Kids need to be encouraged to try things and not to have a FUSS made.

 

Excuse me. I am on my very LARGE soap box. I am sick of manufacturers charging extra for special kids' pasta sauce with "hidden added veggies so the child won't know it's good for him..."

Edited October 3, 2012 by fuzzbucket

[TikindiDragon]

Excuse me. I am on my very LARGE soap box. I am sick of manufacturers charging extra for special kids' pasta sauce with "hidden added veggies so the child won't know it's good for him..."

Eh, no worries. I agree with you. Kids learn to be bad/fussy eaters from their parents, no doubt about it. I've had to re-educate my other half because when we first got together if it didn't come with baked beans he didn't eat it (funnily enough I have a wide range of tastes, and wasn't living with that).

 

I was raised eating (pretty much) the same things my parents were eating. I was encouraged to try *everything* at least once. I was expected to eat at least one sprout (which I then hated - and now love) when we had a roast. And, lo and behold, I'm not a fussy eater.

[Kestra15]

Eh, no worries. I agree with you. Kids learn to be bad/fussy eaters from their parents, no doubt about it. I've had to re-educate my other half because when we first got together if it didn't come with baked beans he didn't eat it (funnily enough I have a wide range of tastes, and wasn't living with that).

I was quite fussy, and I don't think it's entirely my parents fault. I refuse to eat beans of any variety - they do make me throw up. It's not sure if it's a genuine intolerance or learned reaction, but it wasn't through lack of trying on my parents' behalf. I have grown to eat a wider array of food thanks to my other half, but again it's not like my parents let me get away with not eating food I didn't like - they would force me to continually eat food I didn't enjoy. I still don't enjoy most of those foodstuffs now.

[Fuzzbucket]

It can be the forcing that does it. See under my daughter and porridge. That food is associated for ever with unpleasant experiences (in her case, having to make it for the family every second morning (the two girls took turns. Unwillingly. )

[demonicvampiregirl]

That's a bit of a tricky one - as there are many shades of 'don't like'. Okay if it's one particular veggie the child really doesn't like, then agreeing not to serve them that one veg if they eat their others isn't a problem. If you have a child insisting that they don't like *any* vegetables.... then letting them get away with not eating any is just going to cause problems in the long term.

 

Given the option the vast majority of children wouldn't choose to eat the things that are healthy for them. And only serving kids the things they really like is a) unhealthy, and going create picky eaters in adulthood.

 

Children are not minature adults. Their brains are still developing, and they won't have the same reasoning capabilities. It does the child no favours to treat them as a small adult.

I was saying that as long as you have actual proof that they did try them if not make sure you see them try them.

 

I'm a very picky eater and have tried some other things but yeah.

[KageSora]

Does anybody have any tips for how to tell when you're bottling up emotions?

 

Because I've just done it so much that I honestly didn't even realize all the thoughts and fears I had been burying until I hit a breaking point. I honestly had no idea I was so close to snapping until I did.

 

So, anybody have tips on how to realize when I'm doing it so I can stop? It's become automatic for me...

[TikindiDragon]

Does anybody have any tips for how to tell when you're bottling up emotions?

 

Because I've just done it so much that I honestly didn't even realize all the thoughts and fears I had been burying until I hit a breaking point. I honestly had no idea I was so close to snapping until I did.

 

So, anybody have tips on how to realize when I'm doing it so I can stop? It's become automatic for me...

It's more starting to notice the signs that your inner bottle is getting full than being able to stop bottling in the first place. For example I know that when I start getting grouchy over very minor things that it's because I need to let a release valve off (used to do it by picking fights with people until it came to a shouting match - not a great way of dealing).

[NixAyum]

What's the difference between brown and white rice?

[Zaxian]

What's the difference between brown and white rice?

White rice has the bran and germ removed (outer parts of the grain) and brown rice doesn't.

(The wiki articles go into more detail: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_rice, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_rice.)

[Princess Kiara]

A 25yr old man batters his 6yr old son black and blue just because he didn't want to go to bed is abusive.

 

The problem with physical punishment is boundaries. How much is too much? My father certainly did too much; I remember one night he told me to put my book down and go to sleep. I was enjoying my book, didn't want to go to bed, but gave him a look and started putting the book down. Next thing I knew, I had been flung from the top bunk into the cupboard the other side of the room and having my dad really tear into me about 'giving him crap-stares.' It went from a quick slap across the backside, to being tanned until my ass was bruised to hell where he'd canned me with a wooden spoon. He'd cracked my brother across the back of the legs with a pole once. He chucked me down a hill at 16yrs old and broke my wrist, and the worst thing was that it was for no reason.

 

I do not believe physical forms of punishment are effective. You just come away feeling like you have learnt nothing but anger and violence, and the effects can take a long time to be felt. It's only the last two years that those issues have really kicked off, that I am now the physically-violent one when I am angry. I am terrified of being around children because I don't know how to communicate with them, because the man I looked to as a child taught me that adult males are angry, scary things that are to be feared and will hit you if you so much as breath at the wrong moment.

 

Children should be punished for bad behaviour. I do not doubt that; I'm a teacher, I'd have loved to have been able to actually punish my students rather than just have to let them continue being little buggers. But I do not think spanking is the answer.

 

Now yes, you can argue that there's a difference between spanking and what I ended up with. But it started with slaps on the wrist or the backside. Then my dad started using a wooden spoon to spank us with. Then it went to being hit rather hard with the spoon. Several times in a row. And it went from being getting a spank  for nearly running out in front of a car, or trying to push my brother around, to being little things. Looking at him 'the wrong way.' Not wanting to read the book he wants, because I'm more interested in the novels I chose. Cycling on the pavement to avoid a car speeding at me.

 

Once you get used to being physical, it's so easy to slip. I used to hit the desk in frustration. The last time I lost my temper, I nearly hit my girlfriend with the office chair as I launched it across the apartment. I have a scar on my right hand where I punched a mirror and it shattered all over my hand. You don't realise it until someone points it out to you, or it gets to the point where you get hurt - emotionally more than physically.

 

So yes, it is abusive to hit a child. There should be no reason to do so.

Your father was abusive, Kestra. I completely sympathize with you. My aunt did the exact same (spank almost to bits) thing to me, and I still hate her for it-more so since I'm fifteen and she did this only a few months ago. But my mother and father both used to spank me, in a very different way. Yes, it is highly unpleasant at the moment, but the result? Nearly all my teachers like me at school, because I don't do those things I used to get spanked for.

Taking away things, like computer time, only makes a kid hate you, and I speak from experience; whilst physical punishment, when done right and without anger, brings about a quick correction of the attitude. My teachers cannot of course use physical punishment; yet is it really any wonder that the ones I like the best are the strictest ones?

@7DeadlySins: No. You spank them once. Give them two minutes and tell them to stop crying. If they don't spank again. Repeat, but without anger. The kid WILL learn, and s/he WILL stop. This has happened with both my sisters and myself. And they will (later) love you for it. Weird, huh?

Edited October 11, 2012 by Princess Kiara

[Reiyano]

Your father was abusive, Kestra. I completely sympathize with you. My aunt did the exact same (spank almost to bits) thing to me, and I still hate her for it-more so since I'm fifteen and she did this only a few months ago. But my mother and father both used to spank me, in a very different way. Yes, it is highly unpleasant at the moment, but the result? Nearly all my teachers like me at school, because I don't do those things I used to get spanked for.

Taking away things, like computer time, only makes a kid hate you, and I speak from experience; whilst physical punishment, when done right and without anger, brings about a quick correction of the attitude. My teachers cannot of course use physical punishment; yet is it really any wonder that the ones I like the best are the strictest ones?

@7DeadlySins: No. You spank them once. Give them two minutes and tell them to stop crying. If they don't spank again. Repeat, but without anger. The kid WILL learn, and s/he WILL stop. This has happened with both my sisters and myself. And they will (later) love you for it. Weird, huh?

I disagree with this a bit. Although I have seen spanking work and fail miserably in my life, I think it's just a better idea to channel the determination and urge to correct the behavior into a method that's non-violent. Adults are humans and one day, the kid is going to hit a button that will make you snap. If your default is spanking, it's so easy to just slip the tiny bit of emotion in there and then you have yourself a downward spiral.

 

I think the result you have of an obedient personality is more because of the fact that you had discipline in general in your life, rather than specifically spanking. When done right, time-outs are just as effective (and can be done anywhere without dirty looks). For the record, I'm not talking about tossing a kid into his room full of toys... I mean stare at the corner or sit on a step/stool/chair and watch all the fun you're missing. It takes time, and effort... more so than a quick slap to the backside... and it does work.

 

I more or less raised my three hellions of cousins when I was younger. My aunt was a spanker... it didn't work... it actually made them WORSE. I tossed 'em in a corner and made them sit there and watch us do what they wanted to do... and they learned quick. Behave, or you can't play.

 

/endrant. >_>;

[Kestra15]

Your father was abusive, Kestra. I completely sympathize with you. My aunt did the exact same (spank almost to bits) thing to me, and I still hate her for it-more so since I'm fifteen and she did this only a few months ago. But my mother and father both used to spank me, in a very different way. Yes, it is highly unpleasant at the moment, but the result? Nearly all my teachers like me at school, because I don't do those things I used to get spanked for.

 

Taking away things, like computer time, only makes a kid hate you, and I speak from experience; whilst physical punishment, when done right and without anger, brings about a quick correction of the attitude. My teachers cannot of course use physical punishment; yet is it really any wonder that the ones I like the best are the strictest ones?

I'm afraid I will not condone the use of physical violence as a teaching tool, ever. I don't believe there is a right way to do it. You may not be worse off for it but there are a lot of people who are, and I don't think it's worth taking the chance that the kid comes off better. And it doesn't make a quick change of attitude otherwise it would be more widely condoned.

[AngelKitty]

Because there's really no thread for this, I'd like to ask some of the many parents of DC what they think about discipline in Q&A. I was reading this article here :

 

http://imom.com/parenting/tweens/parenting...e-consequences/

 

...and many of the comments were surprising. I myself thought that the methods of punishment were fair and, indeed, creative. Were I still babysitting my brother and sister, I would use some of these methods myself.

 

But some people consider the punishments harsh, or even abusive. I don't see what about them could be abusive, or drive a child the rebellion or even drugs later in life, considering there's no "hands on" form of punishment taking place. Surely some of the people who think this is abusive are the people who think that spankings are horrible, or are the people whose children are horror stories for people without children. (Ex. - The kids in the store throwing a fit, the kids in the restaurant misbehaving badly, the kids who are bullies to other people's kids.)

 

What do some of you parents think about this? To discipline or not to discipline?

I'm not a parent, but I have a little sister who I watch when I visit my mom. The only ones I have a problem with is the one where they make the kid run through the yard barefoot after cleaning up after the dog (seriously, that's just mean and if the kid really does miss something accidentally, you're potentially exposing him to diseases) and the one that forces the kid to cry for 10 minutes (since excessive crying can damage the vocal cords).

 

Looking at some of these and looking back on how I was as a kid, a lot of these would have actually been quite effective on me. Especially the chore jar. I hated chores. Haaaated them.

[LadyLyzar]

Every kid's different. Some forms of discipline will not work as well with one kid as they will another.

 

My oldest - one spanking is sufficient. We calmly talk about what he did and why it was wrong, and he understands that there are consequences for the action. In this case, we explain the spanking hurts much less than what could have happened while he was misbehaving. Time out does not bother him in the least.

 

This is how I was raised. I didn't fear my parents, but I greatly respected them and knew there would be consequences if I misbehaved. Usually a spanking was reserved for more severe offenses, such as intentionally doing something dangerous or showing major disrespect.

 

My youngest does not give a darn about getting a spanking. He'll act like it's the end of the world, but then go right back to what he was doing 5 minutes later. For him, sending him to his room and making him sit on his bed is far more effective of a punishment, because it keeps him out of the action for a longer period of time. He loves to be the center of attention, so being away from the spotlight for a long time is much more of a deterrent.

[Stunningfire]

How do you tell a friend who's got her first "boyfriend" (they're not even officially dating) that she's too obsessed with him and that almost everyone is annoyed with them without bursting her happy bubble? ._.

[Syaoransbear]

How do you tell a friend who's got her first "boyfriend" (they're not even officially dating) that she's too obsessed with him and that almost everyone is annoyed with them without bursting her happy bubble? ._.

I wouldn't say anything because that initial excitement is temporary and will fade after a while.

[Obscure_Trash]

The kid WILL learn, and s/he WILL stop.

 

Again, every child is different. I wish I could find Shiny's original post on a variety of children she had dealt with who had been spanked.

 

Summarized

-one liked it and acted out to be spanked

-one bruised really easily and was being hurt even from gentle taps

-for one it was completely ineffective

-for one, it worked sometimes

 

(I believe those were the examples.)

 

I don't think we should ever push one type of consequence for anyone, as we all learn differently. :3

 

I wouldn't say anything because that initial excitement is temporary and will fade after a while.

 

Agreed. She's entitled to that happiness and it'll also likely just start a fight between friends when waiting it out would have worked everything out peacefully.

 

If she talks about him too much, just try gently changing the subject or if she doesn't pay as much attention to other friends when he's around invite more friends so everybody has someone to hang out with.

[Stunningfire]

Exactly how long is "a while"? .__.

Mm yeah a lot of our friends are annoyed because they tend to shut out other people when they're around each other. Oh, and also, I want to tell her because other people outside of our friend circle are starting to make fun of her for "drooling over him." :/

[Kestra15]

Exactly how long is "a while"? .__.

Mm yeah a lot of our friends are annoyed because they tend to shut out other people when they're around each other. Oh, and also, I want to tell her because other people outside of our friend circle are starting to make fun of her for "drooling over him." :/

As long as a piece of string.

 

Let them enjoy it, for as long as they can. Because relationships can be tough work and can be heart-breaking at times, so you need to make the most of the good times when they're around. So let her get soppy and happy, because when the tears start to fall - and they will - she needs those good memories to keep her going.