Q&A: Questions and Answers

[Stunningfire]

Yeah, I also think part of the reason I want to keep her from getting all sappy with him is that I don't want to see her heartbroken.

I mean, we're only 13. Relationships are definitely not what I think we should be focusing on right now. .__.

[Duysterwald]

Every kid's different.  Some forms of discipline will not work as well with one kid as they will another.

 

My oldest - one spanking is sufficient.  We calmly talk about what he did and why it was wrong, and he understands that there are consequences for the action.  In this case, we explain the spanking hurts much less than what could have happened while he was misbehaving.  Time out does not bother him in the least.

 

This is how I was raised.  I didn't fear my parents, but I greatly respected them and knew there would be consequences if I misbehaved.  Usually a spanking was reserved for more severe offenses, such as intentionally doing something dangerous or showing major disrespect.

 

Again, every child is different. I wish I could find Shiny's original post on a variety of children she had dealt with who had been spanked.

 

Summarized

-one liked it and acted out to be spanked

-one bruised really easily and was being hurt even from gentle taps

-for one it was completely ineffective

-for one, it worked sometimes

 

(I believe those were the examples.)

 

I don't think we should ever push one type of consequence for anyone, as we all learn differently. :3

 

I don't get it. As grown-ups we're supposed to be civil(ised) and respectful of an other person's body when we disagree with them, or are in a verbal fight with them or when they do something wrong. We know that using any sort of violence or physical punishment (the latter really is violence as well in the end, a breach of the integrity of the other person's body) on a fellow adult (or animal) is not done. It's barbaric and unintelligent, and will usually ultimately accomplish the opposite of what we are intending - which is why adults prefer dialogue instead. I suppose one could call this sort of 'dialogue' diplomacy, really - kind of like how countries will always opt for diplomacy first (that's the civilised way) before resorting to more brutal measures when absolutely all else has failed.

 

But when a child - much more innocent and vulnerable than a full-grown adult - does something wrong, it is okay to use violence? We don't even use that sort of violence on our pets. So why would it be okay for a human child to learn something via violence? (We don't use it in the school system even, so why is it okay at home?) It can even be argued that the child won't really learn at all: first and foremost it will learn to avoid the violence, which doesn't necessarily mean that it will 100% understand why it was wrong what the child did... or better yet, the child will never understand why a small wrong (because that's certainly what it is in the end... the child wasn't exactly stealing or anything) justifies violence, violence from someone who is supposed to love the child the most in the whole world, and protect the child's integrity the most as well. It won't understand why its parents teach it that it will be spanked when it does something that is wrong or displeases the parents... while at the same time the parents e.g. will teach the child to never hit another child when that child does something wrong. That's a hypocritical and ambiguous message for parents to send to their children: violence in one (non-life-threatening) instance is okay, but in another (non-life-threatening) instance it isn't okay.

 

To me, spanking a child really is a parent's betrayal of their child, of its physical integrity... no matter how good the parents' intentions may have been. It reeks of the unimaginativeness and the (mental) weakness on the parents' part: they can't properly get the message across to their child in words, so they resort to violence instead. In the end, it really is about the parents' failures, rather than the child's... about how the parents want to keep their lives as convenient as possible... and the child pays for it.

 

Yes, that's how I see it. Maybe I'm a bit biased, because I have been called names, been beaten and kicked by my parents as a child... and not even when I did something wrong. I even got my hair pulled once. Just my mother losing her patience when I failed to understand quickly enough what she was explaining to me would be enough to bring it on... time and time again she would say afterwards (when I was crying and she attempted to console me) that she thought that I was faking to not understand something, just to make her mad. And time and time again I tried to tell her that that wasn't the case... but that didn't stop it from happening countless more times. What makes it even more painful to me is that I was a special needs child (being hard of hearing since birth) and they never really seemed to have taken that into account, into how that would affect my daily life (other than the very obvious, anyway - they couldn't see past their own noses).

 

And that wasn't even really child abuse. I mean, not in the classic sense, as in it didn't happen every day or weekly... but it happened regularly enough, and intensively enough, for me to be unable to trust my parents or form an affectionate bond with them. I have never felt cherished by them... all of their love seemed to go to especially my youngest sister, who was spoilt rotten and could get away with everything (even with things that I'd usually take a beating for). My relationship with them now is pretty cordial, as they have softened as they grew older - but even now I will never trust them with anything that's in my heart. I will ask their help with practical matters, as that can't lead to hurt... but really confide in them, no. It's a superficial relationship and that's what it will always be. My ability to form an intimate relationship with a man is quite hampered by this as well... and looking at what the world's like, maybe that's for the best. If you can't even count on your parents (of all people!) to respect your integrity as a person, how could you ever expect that to happen from someone outside the oh-so-sacred family? No, to me, people are wolves in sheep's clothing, more often than not do they have a hidden face, a double agenda... they'll seem very nice, but when it really comes to it at some point, they will show their true colours. The best friend one could ever have in the world is oneself (because it's oneself that one has to live with for the rest of one's life), anyway - so needing other people shouldn't be something that's necessary, ideally. So I live the life of a lone wolf (I'm really a modern-day hermit for the most part) and mostly associate with people on the Internet... sometimes I feel like having a deep conversation with someone on-line (which is rare these days)... and that's always less threatening than in real life, because those people can't really hurt you in any way... as long as you leave out any trackable information that could lead them to you. Sometimes it's hard to live like this, but I prefer this over the alternative... because if something goes wrong one more time, it could break me for good and I want to protect what's left of my ability to feel.

 

So, parents that spank their children... think twice before you spank your child again, because it could end up emotionally damaged. You don't live in your child's head, so you can't really know how it feels for them to be spanked and how they experience it emotionally... unless you walk in their schoes, you don't 100% know the impact. Period. Don't be too quick to write it off as harmless or innocent (no matter how "soft" and "gentle" you think you are with your particular, self-invented special little way of spanking), that's a damn easy and convenient excuse. If you aren't strong and wise enough to raise your child without spanking it, then maybe you shouldn't have been a parent in the first place. But that's just my opinion.

Edited October 14, 2012 by Duysterwald

[TikindiDragon]

I'll add myself to the list as another "Used to be spanked, turned out fine, have no problem with people spanking their own kids.".

 

I used to be warned it was coming. Three stike rule. First time "Tikindi, stop doing that.", second time "Tikindi, if you do that again you will get a spank.", thid time = consequence. Like any kind of punishment spanking is something that needs to be used properly to be effective - and I'm seeing a lot of stories here from people whos parents completely failed to use the technique properly.

 

In direct response to Dyster:

 

a) Children are not miniature adults. A child cannot be reasoned with in the same way an adult can. Hence the request-warning-punishment-apology cycle. The 'punishment' part of that doesn't have to be spanking, but that's how it should go. Please note that any failure of that cycle (wether it's the request, the warning, the apology or the punishment) will result in a confused child.

 

While I don't have kids (and thus no one to spank anyway) I *do* have animals. And I *do* use physical correction on said animals. So you can't really argue that it's only something we use on children. Just as a note the version used with my dog is a modified version of the one that would be used with kids (you can't get the dog to apologise, and the whole cycle has to be a lot quicker), but it's the same basic principle. The animal (child) must be given a verbal warning that they are doing shomething they shouldn't be, and told to stop. Failure to stop is what results in the smack.

 

And before you ask, no, my dog isn't afraid of people or of hands. He's completely soppy, and loves a cuddle. I've never seen him flinch or cower, unless. I have had several people tell me he's the best behaved dog they ever met, though.

[Kestra15]

Those with learning difficulties or mental health issues may not always be reasoned with in the same way as an adult; someone with dementia or a drug-induced delirium equally do not have the same reasoning capacity. Would it be right to spank an adult in the same way, just because they have the same diminished capacity as a child or pet has?

Yeah, I also think part of the reason I want to keep her from getting all sappy with him is that I don't want to see her heartbroken.

I mean, we're only 13. Relationships are definitely not what I think we should be focusing on right now. .__.

Heartbreak is a part of growing up. We have to learn at some point. And as I said, she needs that lift now to help cope with that eventually come-down; let her have the good times now, and be there for the bad times.

Edited October 14, 2012 by Kestra15

[Stunningfire]

Okay, I will. Thanks (:

[angelicdragonpuppy]

I hope this is alright to post here--I looked and didn't see another fish thread (oddly enough), and I certainly don't think there's a fish /help/ thread. I realize that this probably isn't the greatest place to find answers, but of the two fish forums I turned to, one still hasn't sent me a registration email and the other one I'm waiting for a response from. If you know a place that could help me and would point me there, though, that would be much appreciated and I'll take myself there instead! ;;

 

For now, though--here's hoping there's some skilled fishkeepers in the DC audience. OTL

 

---

 

Hello everyone...

 

I have a ten gallon filtered tank with two goldfish: a 3.5 inch Moor and a 2 inch Oranda. I've had the Moor for close to two years, but the Oranda for only about half a year. Both of them had been doing fine... until last Tuesday (Oct. 9th).

 

The weekend immediately before that Tuesday, I had been away--I'm staying on a college campus, and they make us leave during breaks. Since I was only gone three days, and have had my goldfish be fine during rare two-day weekends when I'm away, I simply fed them well on Friday and left. The college staff had assured me the heating would remain on while I was away, so I expected to come back to everything being ordinary. But as I mentioned, that wasn't the case.

 

My moor was doing faceplants--he'd rest stock-still with his face on the bottom of the tank and his tail poking at the surface, only to get up and swim away shortly after. He's had some short-lived floatation issues in the past, and I assumed this was the same--but the next day, he had a weird, decent-sized white blotch on the side of one eye. It almost looked like a pimple--a light white with a bright white dot for the center. Here's a picture.

 

http://i1268.photobucket.com/albums/jj571/...zps810f7e16.jpg

 

He also has a slight white tinge along the edge of a single scale on his side, seen blurrily here:

 

http://i1268.photobucket.com/albums/jj571/...zpsd73a3a03.jpg

 

And as if his plight wasn't bad enough already, the Oranda now seems most interested in bumping repeatedly into him! I've never seen the Oranda do this before. The Oranda isn't brushing against anything else in the tank, and I don't think it's breeding behavior... (it should be noted that while I use the term 'he' to refer to the fish, I don't actually know their gender. However, from what I know, breeding behavior is something that needs to be carefully set up by temperature to be triggered, and I certainly haven't been doing any of that).

 

It's been a week now, and the Moor's spot remains; it is slightly more cottony than pimply in appearance now. His scale still has a pale edge. Oranda is still bothering him. Moor hasn't sat on his face since then, but he still seems vertically-oriented and head-down a lot. Both are eating normally.

 

Here's some other info...

 

- I'm afraid I don't know things like nitrate/ammonia levels; I've been using the same type of water treated in the exact same way for two years and they've kept on trucking, so like a novice I never bothered testing things...

- 10 gal tank; been in use for years, but in terms of last 100% water change, it's been nearly two months.

- Filter is a Top Fin Power Filter 10

- About 2 inches of gravel, same stuff's been in use for over a year.

- 75% water change about once a month

- Two goldfish: 3.5 inch Moor and 2 inch Oranda, also two Apple Snails.

- Don't use water conditioner.

- Fed Aqueon goldfish flakes once a day.

- I added the two Apple Snails about three weeks back. They were from a tank with other fish, and weren't quarantined...

- Added a bit of aquarium salt when I noticed the white dot.

- Weird white bump on Moor's eye, whitish color around a scale on his side, Oranda keeps nosing at him, Moor keeps dropping into a head-down position.

 

Someone please help?

[Fizzix]

To start with, your fish should be in at least a 40-50 gallon tank with a much higher filter. You likely have creeping water quality issues, and the introduction of the apple snails may have brought something in from the other tank in terms of disease or parasites. Goldfish are cold water fish, so the lack of heating wouldn't be an issue so much as the lack of consistency, if it changed frequently and significantly during your absence. You should additionally be using water conditioner: the chlorine and chloramine in the water is bad for them.

 

In terms of specifically what it is, I couldn't tell you, but I'd wager it's a matter of some sort of fungus, since you mentioned that it was fuzzy. I'd take out the biological and chemical filtration from your filter - keep the biofilter alive in some tank water during treatment, but you can chuck the charcoal filter - and get some fungus treatment, using it as advised on the labeling. I can't say specifically what your fish has, but there's an antifungal tab that Jungle has that I've used in the past.

 

Keep up with your water changes and start using a water conditioner, since your water conditions are probably less than optimal - you have two very messy fish and two very messy snails living in 10 gallons of water that's underfiltered for their biomass.

[catstaff]

It sounds like your tank is overstocked and under-filtered, to be honest. The moor looks like it probably has ick.

 

I ran your info on http://www.aqadvisor.com/AqAdvisor.php and according to that, you've currently got only 15% of the filtration you need. It also says you shouldn't keep even one of those two fish in a 10-gallon tank unless it's temporary, as they will outgrow it quickly.

 

'ed.

Edited October 17, 2012 by catstaff

[angelicdragonpuppy]

I know it's small, but it's the biggest the college will allow, and my parents aren't keen on having the fish there if I'm not there. Got a 60 gal tank at home, just can't use it unless I'm there on break, hnghhhhhhh. OTL

 

I will pick up a conditioner and an anti-fungal this weekend, thank you ;____;

Edited October 17, 2012 by angelicdragonpuppy

[Nine]

Goldfish are notoriously dirty when it comes to water quality. I'd suggest doing a 50% water change to start things off-- I never do full 100% water changes. If I really need to cycle the water out quickly, I do 50% the first day, 25% the next, and see how things are from there. Anything more than 50% a day is a danger-zone for me as it stresses the fish, but this is just a personal suggestion for the future =P I think the other posts have managed to explain things thoroughly already.

 

The white spot on the one fish definitely looks like some type of fungal infection, to me. Could also have swim bladder disease if he's having trouble staying upright when swimming. The other fish could be sensing this and is trying to bully and push him away (which isn't exactly feasible in a tank). I'd strongly suggest doing a lot more research on what the one goldfish could have before trying to add any medication, though. Sometimes medication can do more harm than good if the diagnosis is wrong or it's a particularly strong dose.

 

Good luck with your fish, hope things work out for the better.

 

Edit: Err, to be clear I'm not suggesting you don't treat your fish =P Just that you feel confident in the diagnosis before adding any medication.

Edited October 17, 2012 by Nine

[sushi9]

Ok, I see there is something going on about spanking and such. Keep in mind that this is only a 12 year old (A MATURE 12 year old) writing, so I might not be making any sense.

 

I have never been spanked. Usually my parents form of "punishment" is that they sit down with me, tell me what I did wrong, then let me know that they are disappointed and that they expect me to do better. And guess what? I don't do it again.

 

Then again, it all depends on the child. My younger brother will run away to his room and lock the door until he gets hungry after he did something bad, so he hardly ever gets punished.

Edited October 18, 2012 by sushi9

[catstaff]

Ok, I see there is something going on about spanking and such. Keep in mind that this is only a 12 year old (A MATURE 12 year old) writing, so my opinions change easily.

 

I have never been spanked. Usually my parents form of "punishment" is that they sit down with me, tell me what I did wrong, then let me know that they are disappointed and that they expect me to do better. And guess what? I don't do it again.

 

Then again, it all depends on the child. My younger brother will run away to his room and lock the door until he gets hungry after he did something bad, so he hardly ever gets punished.

@sushi9, did your parents use the discussion method when you were two or three years old, though?

 

Kids that age don't generally concern themselves with trying not to disappoint their parents, after all, and depending on what they did that the parent didn't want them to do, nine times out of ten, their desire to do whatever ends up overcoming a simple, "Mommy is sad and disappointed that you did XYZ, so don't do it again." And when the misbehavior is something dangerous, parents generally will do whatever it takes to get it to stop.

 

Speaking from personal experience, yes, I did spank my daughter once or twice when she was between two and three years old. She'd figured out how to get the protectors off the electrical sockets, and for a while, she would wait until I was busy and then go pry up the cover and start poking at the socket. So I would proceed as Tikindi's parents did, with the request-warn-consequense cycle. "Stop poking at the plugs," followed by, "You will get a pop on the butt if you don't stop poking at the plugs," and if she still didn't stop, I'd pick her up, give a single open-hand swat to her diapered behind, and that's when she'd finally stop. (I'm mentioning the "diapered behind" part to emphasize that the swat was more to make noise and get her attention focused on me, than to hurt her in any way.)

 

And yes, I was physically re-directing her away from the plugs with each request/warning, but because she tended to time this while I was making dinner, I would inevitably have to walk away from her at some point, to deal with things in the kitchen. She'd just go back the moment my back was turned, until after I delivered that swat.

 

 

[Ruins]

How do I tell if I'm accidently being racist?

 

I ask this because I found this Tumblr post and it was obvious from the tags and context that it was highlighting something racist. It took me ages to figure out what was wrong, though, which made me feel kind of ashamed- like I should have spotted it at once. I mean, my first thought was "Hey, it's Princess Blonde Girl No 34 and Princess Whatsherpants on a lolly label... And? How is this offensive?" It just didn't occur to me that black person (is that racist itself?) + watermelon = offense, but I guess that's because I'm not American or very 'with' popular culture...

 

Anyway, this made me think: what else could I be doing/saying/thinking that was racist... And I don't know about? Is this post racist, even? To be honest, I try my best not to be sexist of racist or anything like that and the idea kinda scared me.

[TikindiDragon]

How do I tell if I'm accidently being racist?

 

I ask this because I found this Tumblr post and it was obvious from the tags and context that it was highlighting something racist. It took me ages to figure out what was wrong, though, which made me feel kind of ashamed- like I should have spotted it at once. I mean, my first thought was "Hey, it's Princess Blonde Girl No 34 and Princess Whatsherpants on a lolly label... And? How is this offensive?" It just didn't occur to me that black person (is that racist itself?) + watermelon = offense, but I guess that's because I'm not American or very 'with' popular culture...

 

Anyway, this made me think: what else could I be doing/saying/thinking that was racist... And I don't know about? Is this post racist, even? To be honest, I try my best not to be sexist of racist or anything like that and the idea kinda scared me.

Eh, I suspect it's the character they're objecting to generally, given the premise of the entire site.

 

I do wonder about poeple that have nothing better to do than blob about pshyco-analysing Disney movies, though.

[Slaptail]

I got a tablet a few months ago, and whenever I try to draw with it I get frustrated then not touch it for weeks. All my drawings look like poop. I am terrible at this, I try to think of simple drawings to do to practice, but I can only think of really complicated things. How did you guys practice? Did you try drawing simple drawings, or did you do something different?

[SilverX7Studios]

I got a tablet a few months ago, and whenever I try to draw with it I get frustrated then not touch it for weeks. All my drawings look like poop. I am terrible at this, I try to think of simple drawings to do to practice, but I can only think of really complicated things. How did you guys practice? Did you try drawing simple drawings, or did you do something different?

 

Do you practice daily (And I mean at least 1 - 3 hours everyday, in good lighting) drawing? Drawing is a skill that takes a lot of time. It doesn't happen overnight, or by drawing once or twice every week. A tablet is another form of drawing. Just because you have a tablet doesn't mean you're automatically going to become a fantastic artist.

Try starting out on paper. My art teacher started me out with a value chart and a shaded cube, (showing how to the different values progressed on the cube,) teaching me first about all the shading rules, how to draw a fold, a sphere, a cube, and then finally onto the mouth, eye, ear, foot, etc. etc.

 

As for learning to draw? I suggest you take a look at Deviantart, which is chock-full of handy tutorials and reference photos. (I have a massive download file and favourites folder on DA of all my favourite tutorials and photos)

Also, a good artist I know of is George B. Bridgman. His life drawings and studies of human anatomy are wonderful. They're extremely helpful.

 

-Silver

Edited October 25, 2012 by SilverX7Studios

[Dragon8000]

sorry if request it...but as you put your reflection in a picture?

[MysticTiger]

Are you asking for someone to put an image reflection in a picture? Need a little clarification to understand what you're talking about. n_n;

[Dragon8000]

vorrei solo sapere come si fa,con il programma "photophiltre"o "photoshpop",nient'altro!

 

~Please post in English only.~

Edited November 5, 2012 by _Z_

[jediknightkrazy]

Flip around an image using photoshop, the post is in Italian :3

Or something like that.

[Fuzzbucket]

I understand that you just want to know how to do it in photoshop - (I can just manage the Italian!) but I can't work out what it is you want to do.

 

If you do mean flip it - in photoshop go to image > rotate > flip horizontal.

[kiffren]

vorrei solo sapere come si fa,con il programma "photophiltre"o "photoshpop",nient'altro!

You're lucky I can kinda read italian .

 

In the future, please keep your posts in english. This is an english only board and while we do allow other languages in moderation, they must always have a translation with them. This makes it easier for the mods to tell if someone is breaking rules or not.

 

Furthermore, this should belong in Q&A so I'm gonna (attempt) to merge it.

Edited November 2, 2012 by kiffren

[satyr76]

Question for people who dye their hair at home:

What are your experiences with Manic Panic dye? I've heard it's good, and I was planning on bleaching a streak with the Flash Lightning kit then dying it with amplified Ultraviolet. I'm having a neighhbor who used to work at a salon help me, so I don't think I'll mess it up, but I'd like a few opinions on the brand before I buy anything.

[girlgamerjen]

So, I just found this little guy in my room. (Or girl)

 

He's around the length of the tip of my pinky to the beginning of my wrist (somewhat dainty hands), a medium brown (lighter on the top than on the bottom), very slick looking - no horns or real protrusions... he has a few spots on him.

 

I caught him with a cup, and put him in what I was using to hold my nailpolish (the size of two decent books in length - a few inches tall) it's all I had at the moment. I put a bit of water in a very shallow tupperware bowl and put that in there with him, though I also put a lid on it.

 

Anyone know what he is? Poor guy I dont know what he was doing inside my room, but I saved him from the cats and maybe, maybe Id even keep him if it's manageable. But I have no idea what he is.

 

If it helps, I live in western washington, and I found him just now (around midnight). it's been very wet out.

[Nine]

I can see no picture and have absolutely no idea what animal you're talking about, but just as a first and foremost precaution, I sure hope the tupperware container has holes in it or some way for it to get fresh oxygen.