Emotional Support

[Marrionetta]

TW: Discussion of domestic violence, self-harm

 

My aunt hurt my uncle and is now in a psychiatric facility after making an attempt on her life. That part of my family is in France, and I'm too far away to really be helpful to my young cousin, who is caught in the middle of this. My uncle may have to press charges against my aunt, since he did end up having to go to the hospital for his injuries. I wish there was something I could do, but I also know I don't exactly have a lot of resources to spare. I feel pretty rotten admitting it, but the distance between us is sort of helpful, because it means I'm not expected to intervene. I feel small and selfish.

 

There was also a bit of a mix up at the social security administration concerning my mailing address and possible identity theft, which as of yesterday has been resolved. It did mean I had a week where I couldn't afford to buy groceries, and that was pretty miserable. Today we bought food and I feel a lot less worried and frantic.

 

Being a grown up is hard. Being isolated and far from support is hard. Living with a disability is hard. I wish I were a better kind of people - proactive, level-headed, motivated.

 

A reassuring pat on the shoulder would be tremendously welcome, right now.

[CaesarZeppeli]

/hugs Marrionetta/

 

I am sorry to hear that happened to your family, it is always hard when you can't be there to show support and assist in the way you can. I hope your uncle recovers swiftly and without problems. It is awful your cousin got stuck in the middle.

 

I do hope things, in general get better for you. I am glad to hear that mix-up got fixed and you were able to buy food to survive.

 

Yes it is hard, but do remember you have friends who are always willing to listen. All you have to do is send them a PM.

[MedievalMystic]

Marrionetta, even if you lived next door, what could you possibly do? Your uncle is a grown adult. I suppose you could take in your cousin, or talk face to face, but you can talk and be supportive online and on the phone, and with your aunt in a psych ward, and rightly so, your cousin should actually be feeling some relief. I can only assume that there were probably issues and problems going on, and tension/stress, before your aunt snapped. Having her out of the house, lousy as that sounds, is probably a very good thing for everyone.

 

I hope your uncle does press charges and I hope he's thinking of a divorce. The sooner, the better, for everyone's sake. Yeah, you do have to have a certain amount of sympathy for the mentally ill, but when they start getting violent or abusive, that's where my own sympathy ends, point blank. Personally, at that point, they'd be out of my world and out of my life, no excuses, sad as that might be. I seriously doubt any court is going to allow the woman anywhere near the kid anyway. Some time away from her may allow the kid to recover mentally and relax. I hope your uncle recovers and moves on with his life. It's his job to figure this out and make the right decisions. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't do it for him.

 

Feeling small and selfish for things beyond your control is a waste of time. I'd feel relieved, too, that I was far away from that mess, as much as I might care about the people involved. You can't fix other people's lives, they have to do that on their own.

 

I'm glad your own issues are resolved now.

Edited March 3, 2015 by MedievalMystic

[Ribombee]

Marionetta, knowing when you're not able to help, even were you there, is a sign you're a mature person. Personally, I think it's more selfish to try to help when you know you aren't capable, as then you'd just cause more trouble. It's normal to feel as you do in these sorts of situations.

[Omen]

Omen, simply put, a psychiatrist is a doctor who specializes in mental disorders and evaluates you to help determine if medicinal intervention would benefit you. They can write prescriptions if they feel that chemical intervention will help.

 

A therapist, on the other hand, can't write prescriptions and is someone to whom you speak of your life experiences, your feelings, and who not only helps you develop coping tools to help deal with your mental hangups, but will also isn't afraid to give you a kick in the (mental) pants if your train of thought runs counterintuitive to what's best for you and your well-being. They attempt to get to the root of why you feel like you do, and help you better understand it so you can better control how you react to situations.

 

A good psychiatrist's goal is for you to eventually not need medication at all, and this end is greatly helped by having a therapist. So while you're trying to figure things out, the psychiatrist will prescribe you med to get you balanced out for the time being, and make adjustments as necessary. Some people, however, will always require medication to keep them in a stable place due to abnormal brain chemistry and chemical or hormonal imbalances.

 

If you're prescribed medication, have some patience. Don't get discouraged if the first meds you're put on (if you're put on them) don't work for you, or make things worse. Everyone reacts differently to different meds, and it takes time to find the right ones, and the right dosages.

 

To give you an idea, the medication I'm on for my depression and works really well for me (Lamictal, which is usually prescribed as a seizure med in most people) does terrible, horrible things to my sister's mental well-being, as well as gives her a rash that can be fatal in some cases. If I ever develop the rash as well, I'll need to find another medication. The Buspar that she takes for her anxiety, makes mine worse.

 

So just keep it in your head that getting well is a process, and that you're on the right track and will get there eventually :-)

Thank you for the awesome explanation on the difference between a psychiatrist and therapist, Omega Entity.

 

I've been directed toward a psychologist before which sounds exactly like what a therapist does, might be called differently depending on the country. I never actually went to an appointment to see one, although I had the referral from my doc. The therapist's practice was a private clinic, but she was willing to cut her fee in half for me. Probably should've gone then, but I imagine it might've been a waste of money as I was pretty headstrong then, might've sat there in silence. Still am headstrong, just a lot less stupid about it (well, I hope I am anyway).

 

Alright, I'm hoping if I am prescribed medication it won't make things significantly worse. I can deal with worse before better, but worse and not getting better? Will have to work with the docs to ensure they know what's up.

 

 

I had a nice long talk to my mother about this two nights ago, she seemed almost dismissive about it at first, as if she didn't think my mental health was having such an impact on my well-being. Needless to say I was feeling depressed after that conversation so I slept it off. Had another talk during daylight hours, where I explained to her just how much it is, from anxiety being the main reason why I don't go anywhere without a fight or why I'm at a loss with what to do with my time.

 

Unfortunately, my sister has been having major boyfriend problems on and off for the past ten months and she chose then and there to interrupt our conversation with more of her problems. She started yelling so I just walked away. I have zero experience with her issues and would've likely been another heated voice in an argument that has been repeated for almost as long as she's had the problems.

 

My mother and I had another talk yesterday and again this morning, from what I've gathered she's more concerned about my physical health. She can see how much my physical health is affecting me, but not how much my mental health is. However on the plus side, our conversations have been just that, conversations. It's a bit of a relief being able to talk to her civilly, our arguments are often short, loud and violent in terms of what gets said. There's no pulling punches with words, which is the same with this conversation only it's not riling me up like it normally would. Making me uncomfortable yes, but not angry like it used to.

 

I told her about the nearest clinic, which I'll be ringing tomorrow or Friday depending on how things pan out. She seems supportive that I want to get help of my own volition, and has offered to go in with me for the appointment (for the physical stuff, anyway). I'm not keen on her being there for the appointment, I love her and all but it's embarrassing enough having the scrutiny of one person focused on me.

 

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it!

[Fuzzbucket]

If my experience working with with doctors is anything to go by, the doctor will ask your mother to leave the room so that she can talk to you alone.

 

Also psychological (mental health) issues can cause physical problems - some serious and even fatal. Show your mother a few articles like this. Or this, and this.

 

Here is a list of scholarly articles about it, if she doesn't believe the more general ones.

 

If she can handle your being PHYSICALLY ill, showing her that all this stress could be CAUSING that may make her become more receptive ?

Edited March 4, 2015 by fuzzbucket

[Omen]

I made the appointment, she's not going to be in the same town on that day so her being there isn't an issue anymore. It's not that she doesn't recognise that I'm having problems, it's that I don't think she recognises just how much it has affected me. For the past eight years I've been like this. Ups and downs, periods of isolation, periods of motivational absence. Indifference to the world around me. She's seen me like this for so long and has grown accustomed to it... everyone has. She's a good mother, does the best she can to provide for us.

 

Thanks for providing those links fuzzbucket, I'll show her some when she's not preoccupied with everyone else's problems.

Edited March 5, 2015 by VampiricOmen

[georgexu94]

I'm having a stressful week and it's going to worsen for the next fortnight. I have a lot to do with a lot of pressure going on. Papers and deadline everywhere. I thought that when I swore never to procrastinate and do things straight ahead, I will get less problem. Well, the case proved to be wrong. I seldom procrastinate now but the work is getting more demanding. Well, at least I can say I'm prepared for some work. That's a relief.

 

Currently, I'm discouraged and want to stop altogether. That's not an option though since I wasted a lot of time today resting as well as going to deviantART to enjoy art and going here in the forums.

 

Also, there's this starting to go on a business and our group isn't doing well. The business program is a promising program but well, it seems so far to reach that dream.

[Syiren]

I hate that every time I see a kid having fun and getting along with their dad I get jealous. Wishing every time that I had that kind of bond with my own father. I can't talk to him about anything. Anything that bothers me, he only makes it seem like I'm being a baby about it and to 'suck it up' and 'deal with it'. Telling me, "That's life."

 

I'm sorry. I don't have a heart of stone like you do. I break down, I cry, and I do need a shoulder to cry on. I'm sorry that I'm not my sister. I'm sorry that I'm not little miss perfect. I'm sorry that I'm not physically strong enough to lift things that you take for granite. You're a man. You can lift heavier things. I don't have a lot of muscle on my arms. Sorry, that's just how I was built. I'm sorry that I'm not macho. Just because my sister can handle it doesn't mean I can. I'm not her, sorry if that disappoints you.

 

I already struggle with depression without your short-minded stupidity to make it worse. Your big stands in the way to put the groceries in the trunk and then you say I don't know where to put things in there. No, I can't REACH where it's supposed to go because your stupid is in the way. THAT'S why, you stupid .

 

And then you say I'm just like the people at Walmart. Saying it'd be the perfect job for me because their requirements don't require people skills or common sense. And then to say I have no skills.

 

How the can you say that about your own daughter? You'd never say that to my sister. She has problems too. She's not perfect, but you hold her up so much higher than me and that ****ing hurts. Sure, you go ahead and ignore the fact that she keeps meeting all these guys and has her way with them before the next new guy comes along. They're all losers too, only wanting one thing and she's too blind to realize it, thinking "maybe this one will be different". And let's not forget she's done a few drugs in the past.

 

What about me? Let's see. I'm still a virgin and I've never done a single drug in my life. Hell I've never even had a drop of alcohol. Do I really care? No. The crap gives me a headache. But, sure, just support my sister because she can afford to go to college and hold some kind of job, while I'm stuck here struggling. Sure, let's not support the one that needs it the most.

 

You think I don't appreciate you because I always went to mom as a kid and you think it was because you said NO all the time and she always said yes. No. I went to her because she didn't constantly yell at me for every little mistake. You didn't try to understand. You didn't want to. When the teachers were being and sticking me in classes where I didn't belong and were holding me back you only got onto me about it. you yelled at me when I didn't do my homework because it was homework that I had already learned in 4th grade, so why on earth would I need to do it again in 10th?

 

And to ****ing say that I have no common sense or skills.....That really ****ing hurts coming from a parent to their daughter. Guess what moron. You want to do yard work and drag me out there to 'help' you? If I don't have any skills then what makes you think I can 'handle' working in the yard? Do it yourself you stupid pig.

 

I don't know why I even try to bond with him anymore. I always get hurt in the end and he just doesn't care. The only reasons I've stuck around this long and haven't taken off is because of money, but mostly my mother. I wouldn't dare leave her to deal with a cold-hearted moron like that alone. I don't want to say that I hate my own father, but I'm comin' reeeeeeeeeal close.

 

Sorry for any typoes, kinda hard to see the keys when your vision is blurred by tears.

Edited March 7, 2015 by Syiren

[amthystfire]

As, sweety, it will be ok. I still miss my Dad, he died when I was 13, so I got to miss out on all the really bad parts of struggling to establish my own identity with him around. Hopefully, the day will come when he looks at you and sees you, and what a strong, beautiful person you have grown into despite him, not because of him. Those clear moments are rare, however, and they come when you least expect them.

 

Here is a hug for you *hugs*

[amthystfire]

I'm with MM. Seek professional help. It's the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

Is it possible that your health issues are caused by stress? Even if they aren't, being stressed as you are is only going to make it worse, and keep you in this cycle.

 

Get the help you need. You deserve it.

This. I just got out of an incredibly stressful situation. It was so bad that literally, my body was shutting down on me. I was on three different asthma medications that I haven't needed since I left. I am still struggling to recover almost two months later, but I know now that I will be fine. If you are having medical issues do try to reduce your stress, and that DOES include removing toxic people from your life.

[Syiren]

As, sweety, it will be ok. I still miss my Dad, he died when I was 13, so I got to miss out on all the really bad parts of struggling to establish my own identity with him around. Hopefully, the day will come when he looks at you and sees you, and what a strong, beautiful person you have grown into despite him, not because of him. Those clear moments are rare, however, and they come when you least expect them.

 

Here is a hug for you *hugs*

Thank you, that really means a lot considering how I've been feeling today. And I hope you're right. I do wish that one day we'll be on close terms, but that day seems very far off. I'm really sorry for your loss. I've lost someone close before, and living life without them there is something that I still haven't quite gotten used to. *hugs back*

 

I don't dislike my sister. We are different and we've both made mistakes, but we still get along, a bit awkward at times maybe, but we're fine. I just wish he'd stop comparing me to my sister.

 

Again, thank you.

[amthystfire]

Thank you, that really means a lot considering how I've been feeling today. And I hope you're right. I do wish that one day we'll be on close terms, but that day seems very far off. I'm really sorry for your loss. I've lost someone close before, and living life without them there is something that I still haven't quite gotten used to. *hugs back*

 

I don't dislike my sister. We are different and we've both made mistakes, but we still get along, a bit awkward at times maybe, but we're fine. I just wish he'd stop comparing me to my sister.

 

Again, thank you.

I find parents comparing their children to one another, especially in their hearing to be one of the most distructive things that a parent can do, and I am sorry for you that your dad does that. Just remember that you are special in your own way, and if HE is lucky, he will get to see that.

[ValidEmotions]

I don't know anymore.

 

For about five to six years now, I and a friend (I'll label her V) have been dealing with another in our circle who's been struggling with depression (let's label her R). However, no matter how much we talk to R, how much we try to lift her spirits, she seems intent on remaining miserable. R has constantly spoken about taking her life or heading to live in the woods with her cats. If she isn't talking about self-harm, about withering away without a word where no one can find her, then she's talking about (and to) her characters (her crew); all of which are either insane, have some type of physical illness, or are also depressed (sometimes all three).

 

Except, I can't physically be there for her because she lives on the other side of the world from me and a couple of countries over from V.

 

V left a little note on the private site the three of us chat on and this snippet sums up a few things:

The thing is that you are either unable or unwilling to see things from any point of view but your own.

In the chat I have NEVER head you speak in a way that even gives the illusion you care about anybody but your crew. You barely even care about yourself. Everything is about your crew.

The plans you have for your future is either setting up a tent to live in the wilderniss with your cats (dead by freezing) or swallowing poison.

 

Does it matter to you that your friends don't want to see you dead?

 

You focus on the bad things and push yourself into a depression. Worse is that you seem to enjoy being depressed. It gives you the reasons your looking for to kick everybody to the side. Allowing you to run and abandon everybody who cares. Just so you can blame them for not looking for you.

 

We can't fix your problems and if your not willing to work on things things will not get better for you. Yet you seem to be content in complaining about things, step back and complain nothing gets better.

 

R believes that there is no longer a "real" her, that she is a collection of her characters and nothing more, nothing but a breathing body. All because she feels like no one accepts the real her.

 

This hurts me greatly. I've told her time and time again (and so has V) that we care about her, that we enjoy her company and appreciate her for her. Yet, R won't listen.

 

The pride and way of thinking in Finland doesn't help her either. She used to see a Psychiatrist but only took the medication. She didn't make use of the help that could have been. Now, the Psychiatrist is gone and R lied about her state of health to prevent being sent to another doctor.

 

It makes me want to cry from frustration, from six years of frustration. I feel useless and like I can't help her be a little more positive.

 

I also feel trapped. I feel like I can't leave the site, can't cut my ties to her and sweep away that source of stress and burden from my shoulders. I feel like, if I did so, if I dropped our RPs and stopped talking to her, that I would be cocking the loaded gun aimed at her. It's a toxic relationship. It's taken me practically the full five or six years to realize this. But, I can't simply walk away now. R is too invested in our RPs and lives with the belief that if her Characters "die" (because of not being able to RP them) then she dies.

[Omega Entity]

It sounds like she feeds off of the attention that you and V continue to give her. You won't be able to win with her, and that she refuses to seek help for her issues shows that she'd rather be miserable than seek help, and you simply can't help people who don't want to be helped.

 

So long as she is the way she is, she'll only continue to be a toxic person - a drain on your emotions, and additional stress. You do not have to leave the site, but you can absolutely cut ties with her. Explain that you simply can't deal with her anymore, with how she's acting, and has acted for over half a decade. Advise her to take this as an sign, and an opportunity to get help and get her act cleaned up, and until then, you will not interact with her. You are completely justified in doing so. And if she wants to accuse you of abandoning her, you can also rightly tell her that she brought it on herself.

 

Experience: I have been R before, but the difference is that I sought out the help that I needed, and have since moved beyond it. V has it completely right, in that if R pushes people away, then she can blame them for 'abandoning' her. I have had the exact same mindset before. I know how it works.

[ValidEmotions]

Right now, I feel that maybe I'm making excuses for her and myself.

 

However, her plan actually is to die young. She feels that she'll go insane without that plan or any other plan for her life. Additionally, she believes she has to be strong for everyone, that no one has time for her "weakness". She won't understand when I tell her that having emotions isn't a sign of weakness.

 

She states her family is supportive (though her mother yells a lot because of stress) and doesn't want to disappoint her family by showing "weakness". I've told her, if her family is truly supportive, they won't be disappointed just because she asked for help.

 

I've thought about dropping everything there and getting away from R a few times now in the past handful of months.

 

But, it's hard to do because of how trapped I feel. I couldn't live with the feeling that someone committed suicide because I left, because I didn't prevent them from doing so.

[Omega Entity]

If someone is dead-set on ending their life, you're not going to be able to stop them, especially half a world away. About the only other possible thing you could do is find some way to contact her mother and tell her what's been going on.

 

You've done your part to try and help her, and she has, for all intents and purposes, rejected what help you can offer. If something does happen, it is in no way your fault.

[catstaff]

I could use a hug right about now.

 

Thor, one of my birds, has been sick for a couple of weeks. There's been a vet visit, resulting in prescriptions for medication and hand-feeding due to how underweight he'd become. The gram stain was negative, and the vet said his heart seemed fine along with his respiratory system. Thor perked up for a couple of days when I started him on the prescribed antibiotics, but now he seems worse than before. His balance is horribly off and he spends half his time laying on his front in his food dish or on the cage floor instead of perching, and he's losing weight again. He's even mostly stopped struggling when I take him out of the cage for his meds... not cooperating with me, just not showing his displeasure with the whole business anymore.

 

I can't afford further testing and treatment. My husband just found a new job after getting laid off back in November, and the new job is nowhere near the area's public transportation. We've got no choice but to use the last of our savings on a second car (and are counting ourselves lucky that we've found something in decent shape in our price range) but we're going to be scraping change for gas and groceries this week.

 

I've still got a couple days' worth of Thor's medication left. But as I said, he seems to be doing worse rather than better. When the meds are gone, I'm going to have to decide whether to leave him be and hope he gets better on his own, or have him put to sleep.

[Ribombee]

That's such a horrible position to be in, catstaff. I'm so sorry! *Megs hugs for you* I know my pets are all just like children to me, and while I've never been in that position financially, I've had some times when other things nearly got in the way of being able to take my animals to the vet when they really needed it. I'll keep both you and Thor in my thoughts, and I really hope he pulls through.

[Omega Entity]

Damn, Catstaff, that sucks. I know it hurts when our furbabies (or in this case, featherbabies) are sick, and hopefully he pulls through

 

*hugs*

[JavaTigress]

Damn, Catstaff, that sucks. I know it hurts when our furbabies (or in this case, featherbabies) are sick, and hopefully he pulls through

 

*hugs*

I second what Omega Entity said... plus it always makes it more worrisome NOT KNOWING what is wrong.

[catstaff]

Thanks for the hugs and good wishes, everyone.

 

I'm sad to report that Thor flew over the Rainbow Bridge last night, about six hours after I posted.

[Shienvien]

I feel for you, catstaff. It is always hard losing a pet. *hugs*

[amthystfire]

Aw, I feel for you. haven't had a pet for long enough for them to go on me that way (have done some fostering more recently, so when they leave it's much more happy) but yeah, it's hard to loose one period.

[Syiren]

Thanks for the hugs and good wishes, everyone.

 

I'm sad to report that Thor flew over the Rainbow Bridge last night, about six hours after I posted.

*tight hugs*

 

I am so sorry for your loss. That pain is still raw for me whenever I think about the pets I've lost over the years. Most recently my cat which was my cuddler and my lap kitty and loosing him was so hard on me.

 

*more hugs* I'm sorry to hear he wasn't getting better and it's strange that the vets couldn't tell what was wrong.