Posted January 30, 2015 To that, I'd say good riddance. Unless she's someone with whom you're required to have frequent, regular contact, I'd as soon just ignore her and move on. Yes, she's your husband's sister, but it sounds like even he agrees she's being unreasonable and gone out of bounds. She is the epitome of what a religious person -shouldn't- be, and that, quite simply, is a zealot. Don't let her bother you, and don't let whatever she says get to you. She's drank too much of the kool-aid, and nothing you or your husband says is going to change that, or her... ahem, very special outlook on life. <3<3<3 That is the most succinct way to put it. I have unfollowed, and filtered her out because ya know...I have too many other important things to deal with right now...I feel better for ranting about it Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 Exactly. If someone has more of a negative effect on your life than positive, it's a-ok in my book to cut them free and let them bother someone else Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) Mental institutions typically are not the scary places movies depict them to be. And no one is going to put into one just because the family insists they should. Even if they drag her there, there will be a real professional evaluating them, and the professional’s words will outweigh what the family says. At least where I live, it is impossible to put a person into a mental institution unless the court determines that they are a real danger to both themselves and the society. Unless she is running down the streets with a kitchen knife in hand and going smashing windows in during the night type of crazy, there should be NO WAY for the family to put her anywhere. I have been in a mental hospital. It wasn't scary at all, and was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. And it didn't tear my family apart - some of them were terrified, but they soon saw the good it was doing. If your mother were actually sectioned/ committed - there would have to be a very good reason, adn signatures from at least two (in my part of the world) or three (in others) doctors and in that event, you would need to accept that it was for her own good. To the rest of your post, though, Wandering4Ever - yes the car sounds unsafe - but if it is unroadworthy - call the cops and report it. They can do a spot check and pull it off the road. If they say it's OK - you have to accept that. You do sound as though you could use some serious help with anxiety, though. You may be having a terrible time - but it shouldn't be freaking you out like this. @AngesRadieux - as a music graduate- way to go you. Non-music majors don't get it, and never will. My parents - while they never said what you are hearing from yours - found it almost impossible to understand that I could sit in a chair with a score of something and - READ it ! I can kind of understand that. IT's like showing a book to someone who has never seen print, but more so ! Edited January 30, 2015 by fuzzbucket Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 "unroadworthy" - awesome word, learn something new every day! I would suspect that reading scores (also a new word-meaning relation that I only learned through this thread) is a bit like reading program code. Both have just as much meaning to those who haven't learned it properly ... Regarding mental help: My mother needs some, and she needs it badly, for several decades now. I won't go into detail; the overall story is: things went really, really bad in her childhood, and later again with the first 2 of her husbands (the 2nd actually tried to kill her). Results are depression, anxiety, panic attacks, a general inability to trust people - the whole package, and really bad at times. For a while, she had neither the money nor the health insurance for a proper treatment (yes, even in Germany, you may lose any chance at getting health insurance - when you're self-employed), but our personal economic situtation has improved since then, she has insurance again. So now she was thinking it might be a good time to get a therapy. Except it isn't. There are simply no capacities for treatment of such things, you have to telephone around like mad (hah!) and hope that anyone actually answers their phone, and then expect wait times of half a year or more. One of those therapists has phone hours once a week from noon to 12:30 - half an hour! Naturally, their line is always busy. My mother was trying to leave said telephoning to my stepfather since she cannot deal with rejections (and being told that they can't help you anytime soon basically *is* a rejection), but the only therapist who was actually answering the phone has told him that my mother *has* to talk to them herself, on the phone - which she's so afraid of - before they would decide if my mother actually needs therapy or not (judging solely by the phone, mind you!) Of course, my mother is again in a state of "I knew it, I'll never get any help, I'll never get therapy, they're all only making fun of me, they require you to be NOT as sick as you are in order to get treatment for being as sick as you are!" - yes, seeking therapy here is a catch 22, I believe it's called. My stepdad and I ran out of words or responses to those rants long ago already. She will always find valid points that prove her view, and we don't have any means of giving her any of our optimism. I think we ran out of power for trying, even. A number of those conversations end with hugs, and then everyone going their way for a while to try and regain some energy ... What can I do? If you have a "yes but" mother there isn't a lot you or anyone else can do for her. Don't beat yourself up over it. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 First I'm gonna rant, then I'll put my perspective on Wandering's post.... Disclaimer: I am in no way dissing anyone's religion. I respect everyone's right to their beliefs... Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mother in laws death. I posted something on facebook in honor of said event, about how much I missed her and how much she meant to me, etc. I got several replies from friends, and hugs etc...However, my sister in law, a Jehovah's Witness posted a reply which at first was very nice, and comforting, but then went into Eve's sin, and Satan and how Satan's actions caused the fall of men to death, and several other bible verses. I felt that her post was inappropriate to the spirit of what I was trying to accomplish. I don't talk about religion on my wall, and feel that on my page and my wall I have the right to not have her shove her religious beliefs on me or my friends. I deleted her post, as I was not given an option to edit it. She messaged me and asked why I deleted it. I replied that while I appreciate her good wishes, and respect her faith, I felt that the inclusion of the particular verses were not appropriate or relevant to the spirit of my post. She went on to say that she posted the truth and that other apprciate the truth, and how she doesn't remove our comments from her wall ( I don't post on her wall). Well, now she's apparently offended. My husband (her brother) sent her a message as well and she got even more pissy. I am fighting enough battles on other fronts; I don't need this kind of a fight. Nor do I think I should have to justify my reasons for anything. I feel the same way you do and in the same respect, I mean no offense to anyone's religion because everyone has the right to believe what they wish. I have been judged very harshly in the past by Jehovah Witness groups for the simple fact of being who I am. (Again, I mean no disrespect to anyone) I have been accused of being a 'devil worshiper' just for the simple fact that I listen to rock music. I have a 2nd Cousin who lives across the street and (she's in her 70's) and she is Jehovah Witness. Now, we get along fine, that's not the problem. It's just that I've seen the changes that have happened over the past several years and it's sad. She has tried to turn me to her religion once or twice and I respectfully refuse every time because I don't agree with their beliefs. You cannot celebrate any holiday no matter what it is, including your own Birthday. She had to take down her American flag that was hanging over her garage door. Another person who came to her house for a meeting once told me that I didn't have a soul, that no one does. And one of my friends who went to their (I'm not sure if it's called a church or a meeting hall, sorry.) They told my friend she couldn't wear her cross necklace inside and that she had to leave it outside. I have had people come to my house every other month to talk to me about their religion and a few times I've answered the door and everything's fine until I say "Thank you, but I'm (insert religion)" it's scary how fast they turn and start comparing their's to mine and then try to point out the 'flaws' in mine and then turn the pages of their book or flyer and show me the 'correction'. I've learned now not to answer the door and (I know this seems rude and horrible) turn on rock music. They turn around and go on to the next house the moment they hear the music. (cannot stress this enough: I mean no disrespect to others who follow this religion. My annoyance is only directed at those individuals who I've encountered about the issue before. I'm sure they don't reflect the entire religion as a whole, because my Cousin has never been mean to me or shunned me for my beliefs) My advice for you in regards to your Sister-n-law is to avoid her if you can for a while and let her cool down. After a while be willing to talk with her again, but if she expects an apology do no to give it to her because you have nothing to apologize for. *hugs* Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 I have been accused of being a 'devil worshiper' just for the simple fact that I listen to rock music. Interesting fact - so far, all the stuff I've read about 'Satanism' is actually not that horrific or 'atrocious' or whatever people generally assume to be associated with Satan. Heck, some of the things on the Satansim list of sins is self-loathing, and another is ignorance, and so on... and a lot of them are things that I actually think are good to avoid. So the more I read about it, Satanism doesn't seem too bad. It's still not in any way cool for people to call you a 'devil worshipper' because of rock music, but hey, there are probably worse things to be called. Me, I'm over here like "Oh, you worship Satan? Oh, you're Christian? Oh you're insert whatever-religion-you-want-here? Cool, mate. Are you a nice person? Even better. Hey, want a free hug? I'm giving out free hugs." *hug* Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 Interesting fact - so far, all the stuff I've read about 'Satanism' is actually not that horrific or 'atrocious' or whatever people generally assume to be associated with Satan. Heck, some of the things on the Satansim list of sins is self-loathing, and another is ignorance, and so on... and a lot of them are things that I actually think are good to avoid. So the more I read about it, Satanism doesn't seem too bad. It's still not in any way cool for people to call you a 'devil worshipper' because of rock music, but hey, there are probably worse things to be called. Me, I'm over here like "Oh, you worship Satan? Oh, you're Christian? Oh you're insert whatever-religion-you-want-here? Cool, mate. Are you a nice person? Even better. Hey, want a free hug? I'm giving out free hugs." *hug* Exactly. I don't judge a person by religion either. I judge them only once I've gotten to know them in a personal level. Everyone is different and just because they look or dress a certain way doesn't say anything about who they really are. Yeah, that did sting a bit, but I just felt sorry for them because they judged me too quickly and didn't get to know what I'm really like. *hugs back* Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 Well ... I was hoping for alternative ideas, other than just silence, you know? Silence doesn't exactly help with the family life How do others deal with this? I know JUST what you mean - but the only thing any of us involved with the woman I am thinking of found of ANY use at all was to make her talk about other things - or to ask her what SHE was going to do about it. "What's your plan for that ?" because ANYTHING anyone else said would never be OK, so there seemed to be little point making suggestions- or expending the effort needed to come up with them. Just listen and DON'T offer advice. Sorry if it sounded negative - but there are some situations where the only thing you CAN do is give up. Family life can get horribly circular if it consists of coming up with ideas, only to hear "yes but." It's a well known psychological thing, a way to take control and get attention. She wants you to "see" that NOTHING can help her. The only thing you CAN say is "That's a pity." Have a bit of a read ! https://thewick.wordpress.com/2010/08/11/2359/ http://www.thenew-renaissanceman.com/mind-games-2.html Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 Unfortunately, I agree with Fuzzbucket. It's a really hard situation to be in, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. Sometimes people are so attention-seeking that the best way to get through to them is to STOP giving them the attention unless they move toward a more positive direction. If you keep feeding the cycle, it will probably continue. I don't know your mum, obviously, or your exact situation. So you are in a better position to determine whether or not that will be effective than I am. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) I did think from your post that SHE was the yes but person. Sorry. Self help groups can be the very devil. They tend to end up with a bunch of people all trying to prove that THEIR illness is the MOST SERIOUS and yours is but a teeny thing. That said, there are some very good websites. Go after the insurance company and ask when they suggest now ? Meanwhile - don't laugh; therapists here are VERY big on this - self-help workbooks taking you through a CBT or NLP approach can be quite brilliant. The one most therapists here recommend is Padesky et al: Mind over Mood. There are also two VERY GOOD (honestly!) books in the Dummies series: NLP Workbook for Dummies and CBT Workbook for Dummies I suppose she might think you think she's a dummy but their books really are good - I have loads on all sorts of subjects. It has to be better than nothing. There are also a few websites that take you through the same kind of thing. Also some half decent self help groups - forums - on line - I will get hold of some links from a mental health professional I know, if you like - but they would be in the UK. It can help spilling your guts in a self-help forum where everyone else is in the same boat and no-one you know is listening. Often seems to work better than a real life group where you can see people's faces, and where - also - there is a smaller chance that someone else will actually have been where you are. Hope that is a bit more practical... Hugs. Edited January 30, 2015 by fuzzbucket Share this post Link to post
Posted January 30, 2015 The first time i seriously realized I needed help, I had already been through the "docs not calling back, insurance can't help me, local ER can not handle mental emergancies and the mental hospital doesnt think I'm crazy enough to help" cycle. It made me far more hesitant to reach out and seek help, but.. I had tiny babies at home who needed me sane (their daddy was work from home and I was working 12-18 hour shifts, 7 days a week..). I started looking around myself, and found the Apex mental health offices.. there are a lot of them up here. Yes, I did have to wait 6 weeks for my first appointment, but just KNOWING help was coming, helped. I was bottom of the barrel, absolute rock bottom depressed, and knowing there was a chance i would get help, helped push that off a bit, and gave me room to breathe. I didnt care for the particular doctor i was dealing with, but he was a decent bridge to hold me over until I found a better med/head guy combination. I did develop a quirk for having to have plans for various situations in place though, as a result of what had happened leading up to me actually finding, and recieving help. To this day, I still HATE it when people ask me how they can help me. Absolutely hate it. I dont know what i need when i NEED the help, I know what i need when im calm. Perhaps, some form of plan building will help in the mean time. "In the event you are having problems with (this whatever emotion, issue or thing going on) what do you need from us to help you through it? At what point should we just take you to the ER and hope they can help you? " Asking the person needing help, to come up with a plan of their own, while they are calm can be a useful tool. In the mean time, call your local hospital, find out where the mental health services are located that THEY use. Every hospital I have ever been in, has a social worker who has that information. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 31, 2015 *HUGS* for Ruby Eyes and Thuban, since I really don't know what to say to their posts that hasn't already been said. I'm sending you guys good vibes. I have unfollowed and blocked my sister in law. At this point, I say again, there are far more important issues in my life that need to be handled... I'm feeling reallly raw right now...totally mentally drained, and like i've been sobbing all day (Which I haven't been, although a bit teary). You are ALL awesome, you know... Share this post Link to post
Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) *HUGS* for Ruby Eyes and Thuban, since I really don't know what to say to their posts that hasn't already been said. I'm sending you guys good vibes. I have unfollowed and blocked my sister in law. At this point, I say again, there are far more important issues in my life that need to be handled... I'm feeling reallly raw right now...totally mentally drained, and like i've been sobbing all day (Which I haven't been, although a bit teary). You are ALL awesome, you know... Well, you know what they say - you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your in-laws. Wait a minute... Edited January 31, 2015 by Omega Entity Share this post Link to post
Posted January 31, 2015 @Omega - I loved my mother in law...more than my mom. Fortunately my sister in law (she is actually a half-sister) lives very far away. Just got into it with my dad because he is just being a jerk. So sick of being left out of the planning stage of things and then being told what is going on after the fact. (as far as my mother's care goes). He's taken over and it bother me to no end. So so so sick of family. When this is all over, I'm cutting a lot of branches...I'm just done. Between my brother in laws attitude/actions last year when my mother in law died, my sister in laws zealotry, my father's arrogance and my aunt's criticism of how I've handled things concerning my mom...I'm just done with blood family. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 4, 2015 I need a hug. My best friend, who I'll refer to as Rae, and I have been close for awhile now. But there have been complications, to put it mildly - a better way of putting this would be that I, under the impression I was straight, befriended him a little too much, and my romantic orientation realized just how close Rae and I were, and how much I appreciated him being supportive of me being trans. Maybe some of you remember I posted in here one time, saying that I got outed in my club by Riley - Rae was the one who stuck up for me and defended me, and whenever Rae slips up on pronouns he corrects himself and apologizes (and he's only said my birth name to me once, when I asked him if he knew what it was). Anyway, my heart decided to make me get some really intense feelings for Rae, and while I'm not going to go into detail, there were a couple of kisses that I made, cheek kisses. (The second one I have literally no idea why I did, though. I had no plans on doing it, and my body moved as if I wasn't controlling it. I can only guess it was impulse that I wasn't able to control because of being "emotionally 'bleh'" as Rae would have put it.) That wouldn't be a problem if Rae wasn't straight. Well, and he would have to be interested, I get that part, but you know what I'm saying, Rae has no chance of being interested, and that in itself poses an issue. It's not so much that Rae is disgusted in regards to me feeling the way I do - as far as I'm aware, he's not, just a bit uncomfortable if I take a flirty joke a step too far. The major problem with him being straight and me being demi* is that Rae dealt with some really harsh bullying in the past, and while he's learned to tune it out, he's scared it will start again to the point where he has to see it, and he doesn't want to "add fuel to the fire" by me being around him and accidentally making it a bit too obvious - he doesn't want people to think he's gay, is what's the real issue here. We came way too close to someone spotting us the second time I slipped up, and he doesn't want people to think he's gay, because while there are people like him who are accepting of everything as long as you're not an a-hole about it, there are also people like Riley who tend to be extremely disrespectful, and the bullies who went after Rae. So we've kinda pulled apart, and it hurts. He used to let me hug him whenever, and he'd hug back. We talked about serious things a lot, because we were trying to understand each other. Now we rarely get the chance to seriously talk, and when we do we get cut off, sometimes midsentence, because someone's calling for him or me - and the talks mainly consist of me asking him things, which he does answer honestly, but it's f'ing irritating that it isn't how it used to be. He doesn't even hug me anymore. Last week I had a panic attack, and I called Rae out so he could stay with me during it, and while he did help me out, he was not comfortable, and when I came back to the club and hugged him, he just kinda made a really halfhearted attempt at lowering his head as if he was trying to hug me with his arms full, even though he had free hands. And today I asked him if I could hug him, and he said, "Maybe later, I don't want the others to see." I don't know. I'm just hurt that something I can't help managed to wreck something that meant so much to me, and that Rae's so worried about getting teased that he's pulling away. He's made it very clear that if I kiss him again, he's "not going to hesitate to turn my back on the friendship". And I'm just scared and hurt. Rae's the most supportive person I've had in a long time. I don't want this to fall apart, but it feels like everything I want to stay just turns out to disintegrate. I'm really trying my best here, but I'm scared that I'm going to lose control like I did last time and ruin everything. It's not fair... When can I manage to keep something for once, and have luck turn out my way? I just feel so selfish, but it hurts that Rae isn't interested, and that he's pulling back. I don't know. I'm sorry for spewing pointless stuff. I just wish things were better, and I'm scared and don't know what to do about Rae. *Demi = demisexual and demiromantic, in this case. It's partially on the asexual/aromantic spectrum, meaning that I don't feel romantic or sexual attraction to people unless I have a close bond with them. In this case, I'm kind of a "swings both ways" guy - I don't really seem to care about gender when it comes to friends I crush on... Share this post Link to post
Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) The way I'm reading this, is that you're essentially wanting him to potentially (likely, even) victimize himself for something that you're not certain he even wants. Have you outright asked him if he's interested in you? If he isn't, then it makes it that much more unfair to him to place those kinds of expectations on him. You really need to talk to him directly, get a direct answer, and go from there. It'll be a lot easier to deal with your feelings with a definite answer, and it will make your boundaries far more clear. If he does have interest, then you might have to simply be patient and wait until you're done with high school. It'd be in your best interests, imo, and once free of the social bondage that is the teenage years of life, it'll be a lot easier to be more open and free about it. Edits for spelling/grammar. Edited February 4, 2015 by Omega Entity Share this post Link to post
Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) He's made it very clear that if I kiss him again, he's "not going to hesitate to turn my back on the friendship". What you do is simple. You back off. This guy has already told you everything you need to know. Everything. There's no guessing to be done here. If what you're doing is making him extremely uncomfortable and you know it, stop doing it and respect how your friend feels. You've obviously crossed a line with him. Accept that this is going no further than friendship and don't push it anymore. If someone had made me really uncomfortable I wouldn't want to hug them either for fear of sending the wrong message. Edited February 4, 2015 by MedievalMystic Share this post Link to post
Posted February 4, 2015 He is just not into you. Sometimes that is the case. Straight men complain about it as being "friend zoned." Sometimes a platonic friendship is all someone wants. I don't know for certian, but I wonder if he was made uncomfortable by the physical advances and still cares about you as a friend, but used the not wanting to get bullied excuse as a way to let you down more easily rather than telling you directly he isn't interested in something beyond friendship? It sounds like he would really appreciate the advances to stop, technically kissing or jokes like that could be considered sexual harassment. Would you want advances from someone you were not attracted to romantically? Put yourself in Rae's shoes when you start to feel as if you cannot control yourself. Anyway, give it time. Show Rae you can be a good friend and he might get closer again like you two were. It can be strange when a close friend suddenly makes a move on you, and it is particularly difficult to tell someone you care for platonically that you are just NOT into them romantically. One of my best female friends in high school came out to me as a lesbian who wanted to date me. I loved her as a friend and we were super close, but I'm just not into women romantically or sexually. We did work through it and after she started crushing on another girl things got easier. I had to gently tell her my boundaries occasionally to remind her what was much for me when I caught her flirting or touching in a more romantic style than friendly. She is an awesome person, I was so bummed when her family moved and eventually we lost contact over time. All in all, friendship can be salvaged. It is difficult to overcome feelings like that, but it can be done. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 5, 2015 The way I'm reading this, is that you're essentially wanting him to potentially (likely, even) victimize himself for something that you're not certain he even wants. Have you outright asked him if he's interested in you? If he isn't, then it makes it that much more unfair to him to place those kinds of expectations on him. You really need to talk to him directly, get a direct answer, and go from there. It'll be a lot easier to deal with your feelings with a definite answer, and it will make your boundaries far more clear. If he does have interest, then you might have to simply be patient and wait until you're done with high school. It'd be in your best interests, imo, and once free of the social bondage that is the teenage years of life, it'll be a lot easier to be more open and free about it. Rae and I have talked about this before, and he's made it clear he's straight and that he doesn't feel the same towards me. (He was nice about it, though.) He did say that he understands where I'm coming from - I'm not quite sure what that means, but I think he meant that he'd had an unreciprocated crush and that he'd been shut out by the girl for it and didn't want to do that to me. The last thing I want to do is make him a victim to himself. I don't want him to feel bad for something he can't control, the same way he doesn't (intentionally) make me feel bad about it. He understands the last thing I want to do is drive him off - he even can tell when I'm scared about it, he's that good at reading body language. And I'm pretty sure this made him feel bad already too, considering that he had to let me down nicely about it and we're friends. That would make him feel bad enough. He's already gone through enough, I don't want to drag him down. What you do is simple. You back off. This guy has already told you everything you need to know. Everything. There's no guessing to be done here. If what you're doing is making him extremely uncomfortable and you know it, stop doing it and respect how your friend feels. You've obviously crossed a line with him. Accept that this is going no further than friendship and don't push it anymore. If someone had made me really uncomfortable I wouldn't want to hug them either for fear of sending the wrong message. I'm trying here. I'm really trying. I did my best to avoid him today, and only approached him briefly outside of robotics when I double-checked to see if we were meeting today. (He was a little snippy, I think, so I didn't really talk to him too much today unless it was on his initiation or I missed something he was saying.) And I accept that it's not going further, it just hurts. He is just not into you. Sometimes that is the case. Straight men complain about it as being "friend zoned." Sometimes a platonic friendship is all someone wants. I don't know for certian, but I wonder if he was made uncomfortable by the physical advances and still cares about you as a friend, but used the not wanting to get bullied excuse as a way to let you down more easily rather than telling you directly he isn't interested in something beyond friendship? It sounds like he would really appreciate the advances to stop, technically kissing or jokes like that could be considered sexual harassment. Would you want advances from someone you were not attracted to romantically? Put yourself in Rae's shoes when you start to feel as if you cannot control yourself. Anyway, give it time. Show Rae you can be a good friend and he might get closer again like you two were. It can be strange when a close friend suddenly makes a move on you, and it is particularly difficult to tell someone you care for platonically that you are just NOT into them romantically. One of my best female friends in high school came out to me as a lesbian who wanted to date me. I loved her as a friend and we were super close, but I'm just not into women romantically or sexually. We did work through it and after she started crushing on another girl things got easier. I had to gently tell her my boundaries occasionally to remind her what was much for me when I caught her flirting or touching in a more romantic style than friendly. She is an awesome person, I was so bummed when her family moved and eventually we lost contact over time. All in all, friendship can be salvaged. It is difficult to overcome feelings like that, but it can be done. I haven't made an obvious flirty joke since December, I think. And we've agreed that if he feels that I take something a bit too far, he's going to say something about it. I'm hoping he remembers... He doesn't have that great a memory. But generally, if it comes off as flirty it's not usually intentional (example, today, I pretended to hit him with a few feet of distance between us, and he said "you didn't make contact..." and I responded, "I can change that", and he gave me a skeptical look and asked how, and I slapped him on the arm to "clarify"...). With the second kiss, it wasn't really "I can't control myself," - it was more like my body went onto autopilot. I mean, I literally did not know what I was doing until I did it, and I felt really terrible about it, especially given how he reacted (he swiped it off and when I instantly apologized, he just sighed). Like I said, my only guess is that it just came from a bad emotional state, and for that same reason I just wasn't thinking straight, quite literally... Bad puns aside, I'm not even sure why that happened. (The first one I did have control over, but I kinda went "screw it, he may as well just know" since he hadn't really had it confirmed at that point... He forgave that one, but things were a little awkward.) It is kind of a "friendzone". I never understood why no one else can have it except for straight men, though. Back to the subject though, I really don't know what's up with Rae and the bullying thing. I've never heard him teased. Most people actually speak pretty highly of him! I'm guessing you might be right, but he's pretty honest, so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here... I mean, he did tell me directly that he didn't reciprocate the feelings, no beating around the bush. ("It's not reciprocated, is what I'm guessing, Rae?" "Yeah. Not reciprocated." "I'm sorry." "It's okay. I understand.") Bleh, I don't know. I'm just trying to leave Rae be for now. It just sucks. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) anxiety is mentioned in various forms. as a head's up / possible tw. so... i guess advice and hugs are really what i need... and yeah, i'm making another appearance here in a short time. murgh. for those that read my posts a few back about the family situation, just a small update is that things are apparently starting to sort out and calm down, so it sounds like thankfully things are going to start being figured out after nearly 3 years of this BS. but that isn't why i'm slinking in. so... man i'm going to sound like a beotch but. like. .... so last semester, i made a new friend, lets call him Jack. and we got close. and i developed a crush on him (which only added to my sexuality WTF is going on confusion but that's for another time). we started dating on Black Friday or the day after or something. and it was all good. then break happened and we just.. didn't talk. at all. for a month. and now that we've been back in school i just. i don't want the relationship anymore. it doesn't feel right, things aren't how they were, and i just.. sure he's a cool guy, but he's a friend. nothing more. i can't think of him as anything but a friend now. i try and it actually causes me a lot of anxiety for really no reason considering he hasn't done anything wrong. the one time he pushed my boundaries i told him to stop and he immediately did, no questions asked. but. meh. .... so basically i've come to the decision i'm going to break up with him. tomorrow. because i don't want to drag it out and i really don't want to let things get any closer to valentine's day. i'm waiting until tomorrow because we have class together and i really don't want things to be super awkward if i dumped him tonight. also this is a decision i've stewed on for over a week now, so it isn't a sudden decision for me. but the thing is is i have to do it through email. i can't do it face to face. i can't. I want to, but i know myself well enough that I'll chicken out, or worse yet, i'll try and break out into an anxiety attack right in front of him. and i really would rather him not see me as a shaking and sobbing mess. and. i've never broken up with anyone before. i've been broken up with once before, and it went horribly. the short of it is i found out she had been cheating on me again for like. the 4th time. i confronted her. and she basically called me a controlling , said she didn't love me, hadn't loved me for a long time, and just. a whole lot of horrible crap that still sometimes gives me nightmares.. so basically the only experience i've ever had with a break up was god awful. and i'm scared to break up with Jack because I'm really, really scared he's going to take it badly. and like... if he doesn't want to be friend i'll understand.. but it'll hurt. but i understand. it would be selfish of me to try and hold onto that friendship if it hurts him. ..... so i guess i'm asking for a little advice... i want to break up with him because i just don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore. he's strictly a friend. and i want to call it off before things can get any more involved for him. we've never kissed or had sex, the most we've done is sleep in the same bed and cuddle. ... so yeah. sorry. i'm horrible at making coherent thoughts when i'm anxious. EDIT: so i just read the text from him that i've been letting sit for an hour+ because i was really super scared to look at it, and it turns out he's asking for me to come over to his house this weekend because it'll basically be empty and we'd have the house to ourselves... should i just say that i am busy and unable to go..? or just ignore it...? mind you if i ignore it we have class together tomorrow and i know he'll ask me there... ugh. i knew i was an idiot for getting into a relationship e_e Edited February 5, 2015 by Wandering4Ever Share this post Link to post
Posted February 5, 2015 Wandering, this is for you.. Guy: So when are you coming over? You: I don't think I am. This isn't working for me. My feelings for you just aren't there anymore. I'm sorry, but I just don't feel we should see each other romantically anymore. I hope we can stay friends. The end. Things are only complicated when people make them complicated. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 6, 2015 Wandering - be honest and don't drag it out. It may be upsetting to him and to you, however, in the long run you will be better off *HUGS* Share this post Link to post
Posted February 6, 2015 Wandering, you do NOT want to drag out a bad relationship. I've done it, it ended horribly. And I feel bad for it because when I should've ended it after a year, I let it drag out for 3+ years and he was getting hurt badly. I would ignore his want for affection, hurting him, not returning any messages, hurting him, lied every time I said "ily" BIG HURT. End it NOW the best you can. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) Wandering, I'm in agreement with the above. In fact, Fuzz has it about right. The only thing I'd add is something about not wanting to lead him on, but that's really a personal decision. I've been in the same boat before, with a guy I dated for 6 months. It got to the point where the feelings just weren't there anymore, and I respected him enough that I didn't want to continue the relationship and lead him on. It hurt him, yes, and I felt terrible about hurting him, but I don't regret doing what I did. Whatever you do, don't use the 'It's not you, it's me' line, regardless of how true the sentiment might be. Apparently it's code for 'It is you, I just don't want to say it to your face' in guy-code, and I didn't find this out until much later from mutual friends Edit: Pesky grammar. Edited February 6, 2015 by Omega Entity Share this post Link to post
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