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MedievalMystic, holy crap...

 

I'm really glad you are OK. Sounds like you got up and personal with a real tweaker. Yikes. There are a good number of meth and now heroin addicts around my neck of the woods now. It's unnerving. Have you ever thought of getting something for your own protection just in case?

Be safe, I agree about locking doors even during the day. You just never know.

 

 

One of my close friends has bowel cancer. She's going through naturopathic treatment and is better than she was, but it takes time. Her online support group has been loosing members. Now the only women left are others taking what they call the phoenix tears treatment. I'm really glad she was adament in choosing this treatment over the usual chemo. I guess what I'm saying, I'm really glad she isn't dead. She lost a lot of weight, but her color is coming back, and her appetite is too. Her doctor said it's a long road but her lab samples are looking better than when she started. We had an awecome visit, it was her birthday today! I brought her crepes from a yummy little cafe and one of her favorite coffee drinks as a treat. She was super thrilled! We had a great chat, including a little pep talk to her about not feelng guilty for getting sick and patients as she heals. It's not her fault or choice to get this and she will be better, but in the mean time not to get too frustrated and take the rest to heal that she needs.

 

Also, her service dog is very old (she gets seizures from a traumatic brain injury, so she has a seizure dog). She knows she will loose him within the year. sad.gif That will be very hard for her, but she is working on finding a young dog and has the paperwork to get down and get him trained. So she will be ok, but loosing her dog will be hard. They are selling their home too- it's just too much to afford right now- but her neighbor is interested in selling her house to me. So as long as that works out, my friend's dog has a resting spot when the time comes in the beautiful yard by the woods. I promised her that today. I'll miss him. He's a super cool old dog, and very spoiled.

 

It was a great visit, and I love her. She's just an amazing woman. I'm thrilled I can be a good friend to her. I'd miss her SO MUCH if she passed. It's odd when you get to the point where you start realizing your older friends are getting to the point that passing away isn't unusual. I'm just hoping that will be a long way off once her labs come back clean again and she's herself.

 

Personally, in my universal complaints department I have a couple of things.

Dogs (and bunnies) shouldn't die so darn young, especially really REALLY special ones.

No one should feel guilty if they get sick or have a chronic illness. It's hard enough to deal with, but feeling guilty!!! Why is that happening!?

Mosquitoes: Really? Seriously? Can't they be herbavores or something?

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I'm just incredibly stressed.

 

The last few years, May has been a really difficult time of year for me. I get very stressed out. The thought of the semester ending seems unbearable even though it means summer break is coming. I see e-mails saying "welcome to week 12 of our course" from a 15 week semester, and it just triggers this massive uneasiness. I think it's because three years ago (my goodness, I can't believe it's been that long...) something really, really bad happened in May and I think the memory of that still kind of lingers and triggers stress and anxiety. At least in part, anyway.

 

Plus, I've posted on here a few times, particularly around February, about my frustration with my lack of a love life, and how I go to church with this guy who I think is just absolutely wonderful, but who has a girlfriend. Well, no matter hoe many times I tell myself he's unavailable, I just can't make myself not like him anymore. I get frustrated and jealous when I see him with his girlfriend. I'd never say anything, because I don't think he ever knew that I liked him and right now we're friends, and I'd rather be able to spend time with him at church as friends than wreck everything by saying anything and lose out entirely. But even though I wish we were more than friends, being around him just makes me happy. Well, today he was nominated to be an elder in our church (fyi, "elder" doesn't have anything to do with age. It's just a position in church with certain responsibilities attached to it. He's still in college, like me). That means after this year he won't be able to be a youth adviser anymore, because doing that on top of being an elder, plus school and work would be too overwhelming, so it means I'm going to be seeing less of him. And I'm trying to tell myself it's for the best, but it's kind of upsetting. It's stupid. We'll still see each other at church, but I look forward to seeing him at youth group meetings.

 

Plus, (again, as I've already posted), my twin sister is graduating this year and I'm not. And the fact that she's finishing college before me really bothers and upsets me. I know it's irrational, but it makes me feel really inadequate. And that's also coming up in May.

 

So between finals, my usual sense of foreboding surrounding May, the end of youth group for the year, and my sister's graduation, I'm just a mess of stress and uneasiness. I feel I had everything together, but now it's all scattered and falling apart.

 

When I got home from youth group, my sister started bombarding me asking me what time we can shave the goat we're training together for a class. I told her I didn't know and I didn't want to think about it at the time, and I really didn't because this giant mass of discomfort just all hit me at once. But she wouldn't let it drop no matter how many times I told her I really didn't want to have to think about it. So I snapped at her and we ended up fighting. And I knew I was being irrational, but I just couldn't stop myself.

 

I just feel like everything's going wrong and I'm completely losing control and I can't keep it all together. It's all really stupid and petty, but basically I feel like I'm running full speed towards a massive, brick wall, I can't stop it, and sooner or later I'm going to slam into it face first and everything's going to go "boom" and collapse.

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Not so much as needing support as needing to just talk about this because I'm still in a bit of shock.

 

One of my coworkers passed away over the weekend during an elective surgery. She worked in a different department but I still knew her and talked to her on occasion and she was a nice person.

 

So it was just really shocking to me since I just saw her on Friday and now she's gone.

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This Sunday, my cat passed away.

On Friday, he puked and refused to eat. We thought he had an infection, so we took him to the vet. The vet injected him twice, thinking it was an infection and that he would heal. The next day he still refused to eat so we gave him food, but he puked it all. We went to the vet and he made an x-ray to him and he said that he had eaten something, but he didn't could figure out what was it.He told us to take him to a clinic a hour away so that they made an ultrasound on him. We called the clinic and said that the woman who made the ultrasound was already gone. We took him to another vet about 40 minutes away. When we got there we told tham that it was an emergency, and they internated him that same moment. The next day we went to see him at the clinic. The doctor approachd us and said that the cat was in a crisis, so he took a vvery painful decision. The doctor injected him and he passed away.

I really loved the kitten, and he was really young to die. My sister had a bond with that cat that was like super-glue, but we haven't told her. I'm also really upset since the first clinic took about 3 hours to attend us and they attended first a dog who was just sneezing while our cat was an emergency. The worst thing was that to get back the ashes form the cat we had to pay like 140 dollars, which seems nonsense to me.

Just...I need a hug right now.

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*Hugs horsechick*

 

I know the feeling. Last year, two months before I graduated from high school, my dog died. He was our second dog, but he was mostly mine, and sometimes slept in my room. He had developed a sore on his leg, and we would have taken him in but he was old, and they would've put him down anyway.

 

We couldn't deal with that again. My mom and I tried to take care of him the best we could. When he passed... I took it hard. At that time also had a cat, a sleek,13 years old but beautiful black cat named Sabrina. (The dog was 2 when we got him, 7 when he passed, and Sabrina was 11 when I adopted her)

 

She died too, probably from the neighbors dog getting in our yard and chasing her about.... one week after my dog died.

 

I broke down and didn't stop crying until my mom come home at three (I found her at noon) even then I didn't stop. I thought I'd be ok as long as I had Sabrina, then I lost her too.

 

I know how much a pet means to a family, they ARE family. My cat's body is buried by the tree she always sat under when she was outside. We don't have my dog's ashes, but we have pictures, and memories of them. *gives bear hug*

 

Sorry if this isn't all that good... first time consoling someone online... but hey.. I'm here.

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I'm just incredibly stressed.

 

The last few years, May has been a really difficult time of year for me. I get very stressed out. The thought of the semester ending seems unbearable even though it means summer break is coming. I see e-mails saying "welcome to week 12 of our course" from a 15 week semester, and it just triggers this massive uneasiness. I think it's because three years ago (my goodness, I can't believe it's been that long...) something really, really bad happened in May and I think the memory of that still kind of lingers and triggers stress and anxiety. At least in part, anyway.

 

Plus, I've posted on here a few times, particularly around February, about my frustration with my lack of a love life, and how I go to church with this guy who I think is just absolutely wonderful, but who has a girlfriend. Well, no matter hoe many times I tell myself he's unavailable, I just can't make myself not like him anymore. I get frustrated and jealous when I see him with his girlfriend. I'd never say anything, because I don't think he ever knew that I liked him and right now we're friends, and I'd rather be able to spend time with him at church as friends than wreck everything by saying anything and lose out entirely. But even though I wish we were more than friends, being around him just makes me happy. Well, today he was nominated to be an elder in our church (fyi, "elder" doesn't have anything to do with age. It's just a position in church with certain responsibilities attached to it. He's still in college, like me). That means after this year he won't be able to be a youth adviser anymore, because doing that on top of being an elder, plus school and work would be too overwhelming, so it means I'm going to be seeing less of him. And I'm trying to tell myself it's for the best, but it's kind of upsetting. It's stupid. We'll still see each other at church, but I look forward to seeing him at youth group meetings.

 

Plus, (again, as I've already posted), my twin sister is graduating this year and I'm not. And the fact that she's finishing college before me really bothers and upsets me. I know it's irrational, but it makes me feel really inadequate. And that's also coming up in May.

 

So between finals, my usual sense of foreboding surrounding May, the end of youth group for the year, and my sister's graduation, I'm just a mess of stress and uneasiness. I feel I had everything together, but now it's all scattered and falling apart.

 

When I got home from youth group, my sister started bombarding me asking me what time we can shave the goat we're training together for a class. I told her I didn't know and I didn't want to think about it at the time, and I really didn't because this giant mass of discomfort just all hit me at once. But she wouldn't let it drop no matter how many times I told her I really didn't want to have to think about it. So I snapped at her and we ended up fighting. And I knew I was being irrational, but I just couldn't stop myself.

 

I just feel like everything's going wrong and I'm completely losing control and I can't keep it all together. It's all really stupid and petty, but basically I feel like I'm running full speed towards a massive, brick wall, I can't stop it, and sooner or later I'm going to slam into it face first and everything's going to go "boom" and collapse.

 

Maybe for the month of May you should plan a couple of nice adventures. Associating May with fun plans to come might help you associate it with something positive and you'll lose that anxiety.

 

When it comes to guys I've always had a few personal rules. One of them is that guys who are taken, either by a girlfriend or a wife, are totally and completely off limits, no excuses. In my world, it's never ok to muck up someone else's relationship/family, no excuses. Personally, I have no desire to be part of something like that.

 

Another rule I have is that married/taken guys that are in relationships, that obviously try to hit on me/pursue me with romantic intentions...in short, cheaters...have no honor or character and should always be shunned on the spot, no excuses.

 

Trying to hang out with this guy is the last thing you should be doing, imo. If I were you, I'd keep a distance for your own sake. The situation obviously isn't making you happy. Imo, being around this guy right now is just going to keep causing you more and more stress and frustration. If I were you I'd make a point of going out and doing things you enjoy, that bring you happiness, as far away from this guy as possible. If you let him know how you feel while he's with someone else, I expect to hear you writing about the ensuing drama that you'll find yourself in soon enough. If you can eliminate the stress this guy and his girlfriend are causing you by putting a wall between you and the trigger, that's one less stress to sweat over and things might start looking better faster.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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Agree with MM on all accounts. I would also add, that even if you did decide to pursue something with him despite his existing relationship, if he dropped his girlfriend just because you showed interest in him, it would speak very poorly of him as a person.

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I feel really evil for what I'm about to say, but I'm done trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I really am. I've tried so very hard, but there just is no way I can relate to that man.

 

A man I once called my father.

 

Is it wrong of me to disown him like that? Perhaps, but when you've tried to tell him and get him to understand and try to explain yourself only to be cut off, interrupted and yelled at like you're five then what else can I do?

 

He never gives encouragement. He never offers a comforting hug or a shoulder to cry on. He's the type that would shove you in the mud if he thought it'd teach you a lesson and he wouldn't feel sorry about it or offer you a hand.

 

Earlier he flat out said he didn't care about me at all. Not in those exact words, but what he did say was much worse. I think I was too numb to show anything other than annoyance at the time, but I'll probably be crying about it tomorrow....and the next day and the next and pretty much every time I think about it.

 

He told me that I needed to 'earn my keep' and that I don't do censorkip.gif around here. He said "I don't care about your problems. Everyone has problems." No censorkip.gif Sherlock. dry.gif Like I don't know that?

 

He also told me that I need to go out and get a job. *runs hands through her hair* How many times must I explain it to him? Do I have to spell it out? I have tried and tried and TRIED to get a job. No one is hiring around here. No one. Unless I have a college degree which I don't. Why? Because it costs money. In order to have money I need a job. In order to have a job, I need a college degree which costs money. Do ya see a cycle here? dry.gif

 

I'm swearing like a sailor offline right now, but I don't feel like flooding this post with such fowl language.

 

He also said, "When I die your ass will be out on the street." Uh no. Cuz' there's this thing called family. My aunts have already said that they won't let me or my mother end up on the street. If worse comes to worse we'll just go up north and live with them. Michigan may be known for its brutal winters, but it's still a tropical paradise compared to his cold heart.

 

I honestly don't think he loves me at all. I'm not my sister. He has driven over in the middle of the night when she's needed him in the past. Especially when she barely lasted two hours at a new job she had once years ago and was in a panic because she 'couldn't do it' and he was there to pick her up. Not only did I keep a job longer than she did before the owners got rid of half of their help (me included because they couldn't pay us) but that job lasted months. Gee, she couldn't do it and you were rushing to her side, yet if it came to me? I don't think the same holds true.

 

Again he called my volunteer work 'not a real job' and said a 'real job' pays you. He doesn't even stop to think or realize how much working there helps me. It's only one day a week but I'm happy there. I'm actually appreciated for what I do and no one ever puts me down. And the few that do give me attitude just just as my friend says, 'old biddies that need something to complain about'.

 

He says I have no motivation and no drive. Gee maybe it's because I have no ****ing positive encouragement from my father who is suppose to say, "go get 'em! you can do it!" not be a negative censorkip.gif*** and put me down. I have depression. that has a big impact on self esteem and the so-called drive and motivation that he says I don't have. Sometimes it's a struggled to get out of bed and sometimes I don't leave the house because I don't feel like dealing with people.

 

He fails to see depression as a problem and accuses me of being lazy.

 

He said that he didn't care if it's too hot outside. He still expects me to go outside in the middle of the day and do yard work. Okay, sure Dad. i'll do that and pass out from heat exhaustion. I'm not like you. You work out in the sun all day in construction. You have done that for years. I'm not used to that. I don't have the stamina. when it gets too hot I get dizzy and nauseous. I'm not going to do something that's going to make me feel like total censorkip.gif just because you tell me I should be used to it.

 

I wish there was some way he would wake the censorkip.gif up and realize that I'm only human and even more importantly. I'm his daughter. I just wish I could believe that he loved me, but I guess that's asking too much. sad.gif

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Syiren, have you seen a doctor? Are you on any meds? If your depression is so debilitating that you can't function, a doctor visit is in order.

 

You're 26, correct? You're a grown adult. This isn't up to your dad to fix. It's up to you. Not getting encouragement from your dad, or anyone else for that matter, isn't a good enough reason imo not to do things or not to succeed. Like you said, you're not 5 anymore. If no encouragement or support comes from a parent, painful as that may be, you have to do what you have to do in spite of it. A visit to the doctor would be the first step.

 

Apply for the Pell grant for college. It's a start.

 

You can't ever rely on family to support you financially and house you/feed you for free, at least not for long. Your dad didn't lie. Any family that you end up living with someday will indeed expect you to 'earn your keep', just like your dad does and rightly so. That's just simple reality. There's no such thing as a free ride in this world. It's up to you to figure out how you're going to make it. Relying on others isn't the answer, imo. It's not a guarantee and isn't something you can really expect, at least not for the long haul and certainly not forever. If everyone in your family had a reason for not being able to house you, or gave you a time limit to get on your feet before you had to move out, then what would you do? That's a very real possibility you should give some major thought to and have a plan for.

 

Have you thought about applying for disability? It won't be much money, but it'll be something. You'll get free medical care and help with food. It would be enough to allow you to get your own place with a roommate or two.

 

Motivation and drive comes from within, not without. That's not something others can give you.

 

If your dad expects you to do work in the yard, get up at 6 a.m and knock it out when it's much cooler.

 

Best of luck.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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Oh Syrien, I am so sorry. I wish I had something better to say, but I don't. And I am. *sends hugs*.

 

Well, there's this guy at school who's an absolute moron. He mocks me for things I do and mocks me for things I don't. He's so mean to me, and he's NICE to everyone around, except me and my select though small group of friends.

 

And it makes me wonder what the censorkip.gif I've done wrong. Like, what did I DO to make you hate me this much? It must have been huge, considering the way you treat me. And I'm just like ??? and ugh.

 

So last week I missed Friday of school to go to my brother's robotics tournament. So he hears me talking about leaving and he walks up with a super excited look on his face and says "For the whole year?". And I'm like "... No." and then he screws up his face and swears, then spits on my

face and leaves. And then this girl who sits two desks down says: "Shoot. One of 'em is already gone, can't wait 'till both are, even if it is only for a day."

 

Referring to me and my friend. Who happens to be a boy. But we are not a thing at all. And we get teased for it because we're CLOSE friends. He's one of my best friends, but I don't think of him that way, and he doesn't think that way of me.

 

Some proof that my censorkip.gif teachers don't give a flying censorkip.gif:

 

Jerk boy was recently elected to be in a stupid "Peers making peace" crap group. Along with referred to girl. And a couple other kids, along with referred to friend.

 

The supposed point of that group is to "make peace" by settling arguments in a friendly way.

 

So today I'm walking into science, and I trip and fall into said boy.

"****" he says, as he shoves me down.

 

So I pick myself up, grab violin and papers, turn my head slightly towards him while walking, just enough to run into an old friend who's kind of a jerk now too. Which makes me sad.

 

So I pick myself up and dust myself off and walk towards my seat. As I do this, both of them turn towards me and chorus "****ing censorkip.gif**!"

 

And the teacher's there just totally not paying attention.

 

So I'm sitting crying with my head between my knees and the teacher's like "Emma, you have some liquid to clean up." so I look down and see that my lunchbox has leaked EVERYWHERE! On my violin, my laptop, my binder. My music is ruined. Thankfully my laptop still works. But then an idiot says "Emma, did you leak or something?"

 

If any of them new HALF of my life... HALF of what I have to deal with every stinking day.

 

I'm literally bawling as I type this. NONE of my teachers will listen to me when I tell them this.

 

"No, you're making this up to be funny. You're making this up to get them in trouble. [referred to boy] is so sweet! [referred to girl] is a doll!"

 

Why don't you go tell them that, see what they say.

 

I can pretty much guarantee your words will not be taken well.

 

 

I'm sorry for the long post, I just need to vent somewhere that will listen. That DOESN'T get treated like a VIP by the very people who hurt me.

 

censorkip.gif

 

I can't escape either of them because boy is in ALL of my core classes, and girl is in 2 of my core classes.

 

And I can't change core class periods because I'm in advanced, and 1st period SS is the only time it's offered. 2nd period is the only time advanced math is offered. 6th is the ONLY time advanced Science is offered. 7th is the ONLY time advanced LA is offered.

 

censorkip.gif and censorkip.gif and censorkip.gif some more.

 

Somebody help me...

If the teachers don't do anything, then don't talk to them. Go above their heads. Try a guidance counselor or the principal, or really anyone who will listen. Maybe they don't see what's going on. Maybe they are turning a blind eye to it for some reason. Either way, just because your teachers won't listen doesn't mean nobody will. Don't give up, either. There's probably someone that will listen, but it may take some time trying to find the right person.

 

And don't waste your time wondering what you did wrong. Because the answer is probably nothing, or at least nothing of any importance. He's just a jerk, end of story. It's not easy, but you can't bog yourself down in life by wondering about all the people who don't like you. If they don't understand how valuable you are, then they don't deserve your consideration. And whatever he has against you probably isn't your fault at all. Blaming yourself for it is only going to end up hurting you, which is what he wants. Don't let him win.

 

But, yeah. Definitely try finding someone else who will listen. And until then, surround yourself with people who do appreciate you and keep your head up. Make him see that you'll stay standing no matter what he does.

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Emma, about the crap going on at the school..for one thing, don't ever let them see you sweat. When you cry in front of your enemies you let them win and they feel powerful. Act like these people don't even exist and realize this for the truth it is...their words and actions don't define you.

 

If this is as bad as you say and talking to teachers, parents, etc, hasn't worked and you truly feel threatened/very mentally stressed/anxious because of the extreme malicious/abusive words/physical violence/other harassment/, it's time to quit talking and do something that will send a very loud message.

 

Quit going to school. Refuse. And mean it. Simple. That's what I would do. Piss on talking sometimes. At that point, everyone will want to know what your problem is. And you tell them.

 

You simply explain to them, your parents especially, that you refuse to be dragged into an environment that you believe is bad for your health. You explain that this isn't just some minor annoyance you're dealing with, this isn't some drama, you feel threatened, you feel tortured by these censorkip.gif***s. Explain that they'll drag you kicking and screaming before you'll subject yourself to such a poisonous environment again. Suggest that maybe somebody needs to look into it and put a stop to it. Obviously, someone willing to drop out of school then and there to avoid being tortured isn't playing games.

 

I had to do that once. My mom had enrolled me in a catholic school, why I'll never know. What the hell did I know about catholics? I didn't know a single thing about this religion. We were required to go to church in that school. That's fine if you're used to it, but I wasn't raised going to church and I surely wasn't raised in the catholic church. The other kids would be doing all these rituals, and I had no freaking idea what they were doing or why.. I would just stand there looking around me at all these kids crossing themselves, reciting certain prayers... I felt like an alien. I had no damn idea what was going on around me. It felt so weird being there. I hated every single second I was in that environment. And those nuns...holy censorkip.gif! They were some scary, sour, pissy old censorkip.gif*es. You'd never see a smile on those faces. I thought nuns were supposed to be understanding, warm, and happy, not looking like they'd sucked lemons all day. I detested those nuns on sight and avoided them like the plague.

 

I knew that wasn't for me and I had no intention of going back, so I refused to go. No matter what my mom said, no matter how she threatened, no matter what, she couldn't move me. When she realized I was serious, that I had no intention of going back there, she finally listened, got me enrolled in public school, thank God, and that was that.

 

I've always been very stubborn though. I don't like being anywhere that's got a bad vibe and makes me feel on edge and miserable. Let your parents know that one way or the other they've got to come up with another plan because where you are now isn't working for a whole lot of good reasons. Nobody should have to live with feeling uncomfortable in their own skin, or feel tortured, because of some censorkip.gif*'s abuse. My mom would have had to drag me back to that catholic school in chains.

 

Best of luck.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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I feel like I am ramming my head against the wall.

 

What is it with me and technology that I don't get along with?

 

I am dropping resumes off again... However not going as well as I had hoped

 

I get calls on my cellphone, but my phone won't ring. I don't know why it won't ring. I get a scream from it when a message is left indicating I had a call. In my struggle to get it to work, I miss the opportunity I was wanting. I don't trust it to ring.

 

SO I edited my resume. Fixed it to include home and cell. Double checked my sell because I have included the numbers in the wrong order. I do this. I read numbers wrong. I don't memorise numbers very well because I am never sure if I remembered them in the right order.

 

SO I send out the fixed up resume and for some reason, the PDF file is not showing the first page. It is showing up the stuff from 10 years ago, not the most recent stuff.

 

I am frustrated and embarrassed that I have sent out many resumes and were likely from this corrupted file, hence my lack of bites.

 

the screwed up resume only came to light in a interview today that they had the last two pages from.

 

And interviews. I don't honestly get how they are supposed to be done. I get the idea you are suppose to sell yourself. Make yourself shine, but if you upbringing is on the more humble side, this can really be a problem. I do not like talking about myself in that way. I find it vain. Ask a question, you will get an honest answer and not likely an answer that will get me the job: I try to be honest. I grew up in an area where I was surrounded by a lot of Mennonite people.

 

I am just... not well suited to interviews. sad.gif

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Tired of family members being ridiculous and always arguing. It's been countless months now of them going on about the same thing, and I'm just... I'm just tired of it. I know I'm not involved in it, but for goodness sake does it bother me. I'm just at the point where I want to see them separated because having those moments of normalcy with them respectively are so much more worth it than having them in the same place and trying to make things right.

 

I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I'm so far behind in life in comparison to friends. So many have been moved out for ages now -- seems like they got their life together right out of high school even, and here I am still five years later still struggling with my undergrad stuff and facing the scary situation where I may need to quit university to go back to community college to bring my grades up where they need to be. I'm just... Restless and tired and just all around awful. My RP site isn't a source of fun anymore either, but that's a whole other mess...

 

If nothing else, I've been content the last few days to just stalk the dragon requests topics around here... You guys are so creative... it's just really nice to get lost in it all and see such beautiful art.

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dont mind me, i'm just brain vomiting in the one place that i know no one i'm about to talk about can even see..

 

so the plan for my living situation next year might have just fallen through. i was supposed to live with three of my current roommates. yet two of them, the couple, just blatantly stated that if it turns out we don't apply for the apartment we're trying to get into, they're going to just completely bail on us and leave me and the other roommate essentially homeless.

 

like i seriously don't ****ing need this right now. I have four finals and a final project to do this week. i'm going to possibly fail a core class that's required for my major and is only offered in the spring. and now i might not have a place to live next year.

 

i mean. i will have a place. i will find one. but not for anything less than $700 a month. which there is absolutely no ****ing way i can afford that. absolutely not possible. the entire reason we're applying for this apartment is because it's dirt cheap and we can all afford it if we split rent.

 

so on top of the ID theft my family is going through, living solely on cash, trying to figure out what i'm doing this summer, finishing these finals, dealing with my mental health being in the biggest toilet you can think of, i now might have to try and find a ****ing place to live out of ****ing no where because of this.

 

i'm so done.

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*gives Wandering a hug*

 

*and tea*

 

ohmy.gif Just hold on there, dear. I hope you'll make it through. You are a strong girl. I believe in it so!

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And interviews. I don't honestly get how they are supposed to be done. I get the idea you are suppose to sell yourself. Make yourself shine, but if you upbringing is on the more humble side, this can really be a problem. I do not like talking about myself in that way. I find it vain. Ask a question, you will get an honest answer and not likely an answer that will get me the job: I try to be honest. I grew up in an area where I was surrounded by a lot of Mennonite people.

 

I am just... not well suited to interviews. sad.gif

 

Sorry about the resume thing.

 

As for interviews, well, bubbly, friendly, perky meet and greets aren't exactly my thing either. I've always felt a certain amount of dread at the thought of interviews, because I'm not the extroverted, super friendly, perky type by nature. It's hard for me to fake it. But fake it I do. You just have to figure out how.

 

Personally, I'd go into character and play the role of the perfect extrovert. I practiced that role. A lot. Until I could do it in my sleep. That's how I dealt with it and got through it, while inside my gut was in a knot.

 

If the manager asks you to talk about yourself, do it. Tell him that you're consumed with finding a long term job/career at this point of your life and that nothing is more important. Read up on the company a little and become familiar with it. That helps sometimes. Tell them that you believe in their ideals and agree with them and feel you'd fit into the environment and that you'd strive to become an asset. For that contingency, I'd always have a script in my head that I followed. I knew what I was going to say before certain inevitable questions were asked. Somehow that helped me feel better because I felt ready for them.

 

 

Research some articles about the dos and don't of interviews, then adapt that to your personality. That's all I can think of from my end.

 

Best of luck. I get it.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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Tired of family members being ridiculous and always arguing. It's been countless months now of them going on about the same thing, and I'm just... I'm just tired of it. I know I'm not involved in it, but for goodness sake does it bother me. I'm just at the point where I want to see them separated because having those moments of normalcy with them respectively are so much more worth it than having them in the same place and trying to make things right.

 

I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I'm so far behind in life in comparison to friends. So many have been moved out for ages now -- seems like they got their life together right out of high school even, and here I am still five years later still struggling with my undergrad stuff and facing the scary situation where I may need to quit university to go back to community college to bring my grades up where they need to be. I'm just... Restless and tired and just all around awful. My RP site isn't a source of fun anymore either, but that's a whole other mess...

 

Sometimes there comes a time when some people may feel a need, an urgent one, to just get away from other people. I consider that urge a red flag that the censorkip.gif around me is getting deep and I'm just sick of it and want away from it. Do that. Get away from negative vibes and emotions whenever you can. A little peace can save your sanity, so don't worry about grabbing some peace anytime you feel the need.

 

Who could blame you. I don't have a lot of patience for what I see as other people's BS either. I understand people will disagree and argu, but if they haven't come up with a solution after months and have sunk to the level of screaming fights and other ugliness that can happen sometimes, and are making everyone in their vicinity miserable, well, maybe it is time for those people to get the hell away from each other, for everybody's sake. Maybe you should bring that up. Tell them how it feels to have to deal with what you see as crossing the line. They are crossing a line. They really don't have the right to drag anyone else into their own personal drama against their will and force others to wallow unwillingly in their own personal ugliness. I'm not saying walk away forever from people you care about, but sometimes it's just time to get away, period, from family, too.

 

They're so deep in negativity right now from what it sounds like, that they don't even know or care that they're affecting...or is that effecting?...I never remember... other people. Someone needs to wake them up, imo. It sounds like bad vibes are all around. Probably not the nicest atmosphere to be in. When people behave badly and/or get ugly, someone should be willing to let them know it.

 

 

 

 

Maybe a dose of reality is in order. By their actions, dragging others into their own personal battlefield, it's not just about them anymore. If people want to scream and yell and get nasty, fine. They should do that and have at it, if that's what they feel the need to do, sad as that is...they should, imo, drive to the woods, out in the middle of nowhere, and scream and curse at each other from dawn to dusk. At least then it is just about the two of them and they're the only ones having to deal.

 

You're not a failure. Lots of families seem to stick together longer than what people consider 'normal' in today's world. You have to climb up the ladder at your own pace, do what you can with what you have, do what you can with the options that are available to you atm, and do the best you can with what you've got. It doesn't really matter if you climb faster or slower than the next person, as long as you keep climbing to get to where you want to go. Getting there, wherever 'there' is for you personally, is the point, not how long it took. That's how I see it anyway. Life does like to throw people curve balls.

 

Best of luck. I hope you find a quiet space that you can run to soon, some place you can relax. Personally, I'd want far away from that mess as much as possible.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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I can't think of a better place to put this link than right here.

 

http://www.mdjunction.com/support-groups/mental-health/

 

This is an on line support group. A great one. If you have an issue, be it physical or mental, everything from minor stress to debilitating disease, they probably know all about it, have a group for it, and you can really let it all hang out. I thought it might be helpful to a whole lot of people. There's lots of great information to be had, as well as great support.

 

I'm dealing with my own issues, and I'm a member there. I totally enjoy the time I spend there. It's a breath of fresh air talking about some crazy censorkip.gif that nobody understands but those that have dealt with it firsthand and just GET it. smile.gif

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Bumping this because I think the above link might prove to be a good, safe place that a lot of people might like.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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It's been a while since I've posted, and I'm under a new screen name now, and its been a rather rough ride overall.

 

On the minor end of things, my old account got disabled and I had to start a new one, while that's frustrating, it is what it is.

 

The other end of stuff is that my mother is going back to her own habits of drinking and she has totally checked out. She has known she is dying, and she's just not taking care of herself. She called me this morning to drive 40 miles from my house to hers just to buy her a bottle of wine and got mad when I said no. I have not had a good relationship with her and I have made an effort for my child's sake, but I am about done.

 

So yeah, I'm just feeling frustrated today.

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The other end of stuff is that my mother is going back to her own habits of drinking and she has totally checked out. She has known she is dying, and she's just not taking care of herself. She called me this morning to drive 40 miles from my house to hers just to buy her a bottle of wine and got mad when I said no. I have not had a good relationship with her and I have made an effort for my child's sake, but I am about done.

 

Is your mom literally dying? She's been told this by the docs? If so, I'm very sorry. Please don't think I'm being flip in my response, because I'm serious.

 

My perspective on the terminally ill is...give them whatever in the hell they want, when they want it.

 

Personally, if I was staring my own mortality in the face and knew beyond all doubt my time on earth was limited and there was nothing to be done about it, I'm not going to sweat 'taking care of myself' because, all things considered, the time for that is long over and would it make a difference? If not, if I'm terminal and I'm going to die no matter what, I'm going to want a nice, FAT blunt every day and I'm going to relish every single moment I've got left, doing whatever in the hell makes me happy and comfortable. For me, if I'm not long for this world, bring on the marijuana, the margaritas, the happy pills, the morphine, straight opium, whatever it takes. At least I die happy that way. Sorry, that's just how I see it.

 

If your mom is really dying and her time is limited, think about that and cut her some slack. It should be about her and what she needs to be comfortable in her final weeks/months/year, not about you and whether you agree with her decisions or not. When someone is facing death, their wants and needs have, or should have, priority.

 

I am very sorry.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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As MM says, if she's terminal, let her deal with her pain as she sees fit - so long as she's not getting into the driver's seat wasted and at risk of killing someone else, let her self-medicate.

 

If it's a case where she's at risk of putting herself in a terminal situation by not taking care of herself (trying to give herself liver failure with the drinking, for example), then you absolutely shouldn't be an enabler, and you shouldn't feel guilty about not being cowed into it. You also need to think of your daughter; you are under no obligation to expose your daughter to that negative influence, mother or not. You cannot fix your mother; she has to do that for herself. You can tell her that you're willing to help her if she decides to get clean, but until then you need to do what's best for you and your family.

Edited by Omega Entity

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If it's a case where she's at risk of putting herself in a terminal situation by not taking care of herself (trying to give herself liver failure with the drinking, for example), then you absolutely shouldn't be an enabler, and you shouldn't feel guilty about not being cowed into it. You also need to think of your daughter; you are under no obligation to expose your daughter to that negative influence, mother or not. You cannot fix your mother; she has to do that for herself. You can tell her that you're willing to help her if she decides to get clean, but until then you need to do what's best for you and your family.

 

This too, if that's the case.

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Medieval -

 

I didn't take your reply as being flip, no worries there...

 

She has lung cancer, and colon cancer, emphysema and COPD. She is a chronic alcoholic, with alcoholic dementia. She was diagnosed with the cancer probably about a year ago, and he emphysema a year and a half ago. She has, however, wanted to die since her husband passed away 5 years ago.

 

I get your point and I do agree that it is about her and her comfort for however long she has left. I am a believer of that philosophy and I have argued it with both my sister and my father.

 

There are a lot of issues surrounding my relationship with her, and I don't even know if I could articulate all of them if I wanted to. Its only been the last year and a half that we have stopped being estranged. I cut her off because she is an abusive drunk and I was her target, and I got tired of being her target. However, Omega has it right that she is putting herself in a terminal situation, and it does impact my daughter, which is why I cut her off in the first place. I never knew if she would turn that anger on my child who is autistic and wouldn't understand it.

 

I have stepped up in the past year and half because it is the right thing to do, and has allowed me to come to some semblance of peace with a lot of things, and she has needed the help (help moving and then some stuff around the house, etc). I live 40+ miles away, and I do what I can when I can, and have spent 90% of my free weekends at her house helping her with whatever needs doing that she doesn't want her caregiver doing, or heavy lifting.

 

I said no today for several reasons: 1) I can't justify the gas or the one and a half to two hour round trip to drive down and back for a bottle of wine when she had one in the fridge already, and the rest of my family is closer. 2) We had planned today to get some things done that needed to be done 3) I'm still fighting off whatever sinus crap I have dealt with for the past week and a half.

 

It is a delicate situation.

Edited by LadyC

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I am upset. the damned dentist that at first, fixed the wrong tooth, then gave me a rough root canal.. the tooth - the old metal filling fell out. I thought they'd finish teh tooth like they finished my husband's but they left it incomplete. Now I got a huge hole in my tooth.

 

 

edit: and I sat and cried because I tried to transfer money, it won't happen until after midnight my time. But I tend to get confused and read it all upside down... and instead of transferring money into the account I desperately NEEDed it in, I tried to transfer out, ergo now i Have to wait yet another 24 hours to fix this.

Edited by Starscream

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