Posted January 1, 2015 So I went off to college. My parents, me being an only child, took it alright surprisingly. Up until then they'd been arguing left and right about any little thing that they could argue about, eventually shoving all the blame on to me and calling me worthless. That had been fixed when I went to college. Parents still argued sometimes, but no blame was shoved on to me and i was much much happier which eventually rubbed off on them and they saw what they were doing to me before.... Im back for break now though... and we're back with the blaming me. Dad and I don't even have to say a word, mom just starts flying off the handle about anything! Like this morning, a small crumb was left on the kitchen counter after she'd got done eating toast (nobody else had set foot in the kitchen at all up to this point) and she freaks out and blames me about it, calling me worthless and how i don't do anything in this house ever. Except, she caused the crumb... and I do half the entire work for the house while dad does the other half as mom struts around saying she does all the work and never lends a hand to do anything. So she's threatening divorce again, saying she's under appreciated and how we do nothing in this house at all. My cockatiel is being nearly thrown out the window because he made one noise. She says as soon as I go back to college, or for a walk, or even out of the room where i have him, he's going out the window. But the dogs are fine. They can stay. They make so much more noise than Maverick, my bird, but they can stay cuz they're /ours/ and we love them. The bird had fallen under that category too at one point. But not anymore. So, I'm confined to the room where my bird is, and I'm staying put. I'm not moving anywhere and i'll stay here until she leaves.... or comes to her senses... but the afore mentioned will likely happen much before the other. To my knowledge she has no mental problems with her. Nothing's happened to her in the house or anything that dad or i know about. We're a very open family. Or were. Dad's become very quiet and reserved again thanks to mom's 5 hour ranting over anything she can rant about which always ends with me being the entire blame for anything to ever happen.... I finally and completely had enough of it. I told her that if I have to choose between the pets we all agreed were fine in the house and that they'd take care of as I do while I'm away at college, I'm choosing the pets over her. She already says she has some place to go, and i told her to just pack up and leave now cuz i'm not going anywhere and neither is the bird. I have no where to take him. And i don't think it's fair at all he should be killed or "oops he flew out the back door while I was clleeeaning.... soooorrrrrrryyyy" just because he made one small sound. Dad and I don't have a problem with him, and we don't have a problem with anything else either. Mom's causing all this trouble and always blames me for the reason. I have no idea why. I don't go out very often, and when i do, I go with friends they know and love as their own kids as well. We're not bad kids. We don't do anything considered bad or any of that. We merely go to a Tim Hortens not far from my house, have coffee and chat. That's it. Takes maybe an hour or two... and they drive since my mother's prevented me from getting my license. Yeah, she did that over the summer. Each time i'd have the day to go to my test she'd inform me "I have something else to do, so I canceled, you'll have to schedule some other time" so I'd check with her each time and they were free then... but the day came up each time and same result. Yet, she yells at me too for not having my license. Dad works too often so he can't take me. Nobody else of my family is around to take me. My friends also work so they can't. So I have just her... and yeah.... I'm 18. I don't have anywhere else to live either. None of my friends can take the bird, but I know even if they could that something else would be the problem and be in threat of getting kicked out. I'm tired of this.... this is why i ended up moving away to college. The main reason. I had toyed with going to my community college cuz i wasn't sure if i was ready, but in the end I had chosen to move away. For my health -reasons like this- and to push my boundaries and prove to myself I could be fine away from home.... That alone caused a good friend to grow jealous and not talk to me, but it also got me away from here.... and now i'm back... until the 26th, and i can't go back sooner but I have nowhere else to go. I'm tired of it. Sick and tired of it. I've been literally done since they started junior year of high school... and it stopped senior year, but started over the summer again with crap like this... and then while at college had actually calmed down... So maybe i actually am somehow the cause of it. I want this to stop. And dad won't move out of the house even if they have a divorce.... he's got a bigger claim on it and has more rights to it than she does... so if they do divorce I'd choose to stay here with him instead of my mother. And originally, and i still feel, that if they do divorce I'm not choosing between the two of them. But with college, and me paying for most of it because mom pulled out the money she had put aside because i had been thinking about the community college, even though both my parents agreed to help pay... i need to stay somewhere thats free as i can't afford my own place yet even with my job from my uncle. ...... Share this post Link to post
Posted January 2, 2015 I don't need support persay, but I do want to get some stuff down 'on paper' as it were. I'm coming off my antidepressants this year and I want to get my head in order one more time. I've been suffering with depression for...who knows? Abusive father, abusive upbringing, teenage carer for a dying man, losing my fiancee, and all those little lumps life throws at you along the way. Being the loner, the outsider, never helped - bottling up emotions simply makes you crack under stress more easily, not harden you into some unfeeling monster. Sure it will in the short term but one day the dam breaks and suddenly your life disappears. Sadly I didn't learn that until it happened again and again and again. My anger was explosive and mercurial, best described as volcanic. Just like my father's. You had to step on eggshells around me coz the slightest thing could set me off and the response would be disproportionate to say the least. My only solace was that I never hit other people; I was too afraid of becoming my father to do that. But inanimate objects were fair game. My mountain bike would be hurled across the garden just because I can't undo a nut. The wheelie bins would be beaten ****less just because they were caught in the gate. And when I found out my ex was snogging another guy I turned our garden into firewood with my bare hands. My anger cost me Amerylis, my parents, my friends, nearly my job. All because I was never taught how to be emotionally healthy and instead that should something upset me physical violence is the solution; be it because the roofbox froze shut or your son doesn't want to go to bed, Dad taught me if you hit things hard enough eventually you get your own way. I finally sought help three years ago, because I had seen how it helped Amerylis. She had her own issues, her own emotional turmoil, and antidepressants helped turn her life around. They were not the 'happy pills' I feared, creating false highs, but instead a way to find the emotional space you needed to actually sort your life and soul out. They were a buoyancy aid for the mind, helping you keep afloat but not the saviour. She started counselling and that helped more. And something finally clicked in my mind and realised that just maybe I could benefit. So I went to a doctor, got diagnosed with some pretty severe depression, and started on my SSRIs. It took time. The first six weeks my emotions were worse than ever as I swung from extreme to extreme - which, given I only lived in extremes before then, was saying something. But at the six week point the magic began and I found myself suddenly with that extra room in my head to start sorting my life out. To take the deep breath and it actually do something. Not much, but something. I started my RN training and moved back to my university town, but it meant splitting up geographically with Amerylis and putting an unwanted extra strain on a relationship that was already, frankly, disintegrating. And the first six months of my course it just got worse still. Shouting down the phone to Amerylis begging her to just listen to me, anger at how she was just cutting me out of her life the moment I went to do my studies beyond anything I had felt at that point - that, and soul-shattering betrayal. See, we were supposed to be getting married, sharing a life together. I was even at a point where I thought I could be a father which, for me, is an immense conclusion. NYE 2012 and it finally disappeared. I saw in New Year with just Amerylis' friends most of whom openly hated me, one of them being the guy she kissed 'just as friends.' One of them had a partial seizure for a couple of hours, so while all her friends and her were upstairs no doubt *ing I was sat on a sofa with a partial seizure patient, serving cups of tea to the doctor and two paramedics as midnight rung in. The next day was icy between us as Amerylis seemed to act like I was the one who made the whole night difficult despite how she had left me for several hours with a seizure patient while she partied on with all her friends, and then laid down one last rule on our relationship that effectively ended it. Not two months later, we were single. Good thing I was in counselling at the time. And on the drugs. And actually, good thing I was single. See, our relationship was a sham. A lie. She was so, so desperate to maintain her 'pure' image that she forced us to present a different image of our relationship to what actually happened, one where I was continually seen as the tempter, the bad guy. It was such that my own family were on her side of this fantasy we built up just to maintain her image. The funny thing is that the truth of our relationship was no big deal. This is the 21st Century - who cares if two unmarried people share a bed? Who cares if we have sex? We're consensual adults in a relatively secular part of the world. The irony was that after the relationship ended and the truth was known most of our mutual friends really didn't give a damn about the truth; if anything I ended up with the sympathy for living through such a mess of a lie, because they honestly did not care that the reality was that we shared a bed, occasionally had sex, and were prone to arguing over little things. Not this Stepford Wives fantasy Amerylis tried to present to us all. Within three months of the relationship ending I was already a very different person. I had gone through counselling as we split up, upped my medication, and committed myself to nursing - and with that one big stressor removed from my life suddenly everything changed. See, it wasn't my past that was weighing me down. The past happened. occurred. Why dwell on it? So what if Dad broke my wrist and beat me because I read after bedtime - no amount of moping will change it. So what my major girlfriend/fiancee ended up engaged to another bloke at the same time - it's in the past. Crap happens, move on. Learn from the past but don't live in it. It was something I had lived by - and actually, I was still living by it. Because the counselling showed me that it wasn't my crap past that was bringing me down - it was the stress of the double-life I was forced to lead that was destroying me. Ironic. The whole time I was trying to fix myself to preserve our relationship when in fact it was that relationship that was breaking me. Things are a lot different now. My anger doesn't control me. Things annoy me sure, and I take a deep breath and mutter rude things in the safety of the sluice when my shift starts to weigh down, but I can't remember the last time I actually hit something in anger. Must be months. Maybe even a year? I don't shout and argue, I just accept and let it wash over me; after all, why fight fire with fire when all that happens is everyone gets burned? The anger is still there, the embers still stoked, and just now and again I let it roar - but at my discretion, on my terms. I use that anger to give me the energy and strength to pull through the hard days and it works. It really does. I have a few friends from the time I was with Amerylis and we can talk and make references and jokes about that time in my life, and it doesn't hurt or upset. They know the reality of the relationship and they just shrugged, gave me a hug, accepted me as I was and we carried out to build our friendship. The past is the past. And my Lover. A wonderful woman who strolled into my life completely unexpected, completely by accident. She accepts my flaws and has her own which I accept. We have a strong, positive relationship where emotions are passionate but in a non-damaging way. Yes, we are very physical and sexual when we're alone and we both revel in it. We don't broadcast it to friends but they do know we are active in that way and *they don't care.* We live apart but that's fine; we're always chatting on Facebook. When we're together we may physical but there is always, always more; we love trying to solve the mysteries before Johnathon Creek or Castle, we have our competitive card games and sulk over Monopoly, we pitch in for helping each other's homework and running my Cadet unit. It is a full relationship, and I love her. As intensely and deeply as I loved Amerylis? Give it time. I had five years with Amerylis to develop those emotions, while Lover and I have not even had two. So in a month or so's time when I come off the SSRIs, that's what will be on my mind. I've had three years to change myself for the better, and I think I have. I am enjoying my life, my job. I want to be an amazing nurse and I throw myself into my work, studies and leisure. I have a wonderful woman in my life to love and cherish, and our relationship works. So those first six weeks when I finally become Citalopram-free for the first time since I was 25yrs will be...scary. Incredibly scary. And I really do hope that I have learned to swim and no longer need that buoyancy aid, because I don't want to give up this amazing life I live. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Please either get some professional help or even just go to a hotline where they are equipped to deal with these kinds of issues. <3 A hug, please? Edited January 2, 2015 by SockPuppet Strangler Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) I'm not proud to admit that I'm on an antidepressant medication, because until recently I wasn't taking anything and I was trying to 'deal' with my depression on my own, assuming I could soldier through it. Sadly, that's not the case and my doctor said that with my type of depression it explains why I am very forgetful. Well, I feel like kicking my own because I forgot where I had put my medication. I've looked everywhere it is and can't find it anywhere. This was four days ago. Now what was in my system is starting to wear off and I've been feeling more depressed today than normal. I hate it. I don't feel like doing anything, It's hard to laugh, hard to smile. I don't want to eat anything. It sucks! I can't get a refill for another week and so my only choice is to find my missing meds. I know it's here somewhere in the house. I haven't had any company so no one could have walked out with it. It's got a good seal so no pets can get into it. None of my cats take interest in anything like that anyway. I've looked in my bedroom, the medicine cabinet, the bathroom, I don't know where else it could be, but I hope I find it before my depression gets too bad again. It took me loosing it to realize just how much it was helping. I especially don't like feeling dizzy. The other side effects are also rearing their butt-ugly heads. I have a killer headache, I'm short-tempered, irritable, tired, and pretty much have zero tolerance or patience. That's so normally not me and I hate it. Edited January 3, 2015 by Syiren Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 We lost one of our two cats yesterday. We’ve had her for just two years, she’s a fully feral cat who decided we were okay people and invited herself in. She wasn’t acting like herself so we took her to the vet.. turns out she has FeLV and it was doing it’s thing and turning into lymphoma. She was very likely born with it. There was nothing to do but take her home and spoil the crap out of her. I knew we’d be lucky to keep her until Christmas, even luckier if she’d make it to New Year’s. We did get lucky once, but not twice. So she’d been declining almost hour by hour Friday and sometime in the night she used the last of her strength to haul herself out of bed and into a hidden corner. When I found her, she just looked through me, and I knew it was time. We had a vet out Saturday afternoon to help her go. We held her as she went quietly. I took a paw print that I will have made into an etched necklace. Had the worst night of sleep ever last night.. just couldn’t really rest. I cried a little this morning after waking up again. Sometimes it’s normal life and I feel like she’ll walk in the door and chirp at us like normal, and she can’t be gone. Other times, all I can see is her little face after her heart stopped, and it’s really too real. I’m due to visit our normal vet with her tomorrow for some special antibiotics he ordered for her.. he doesn’t know yet that she’s gone. Since he’s diabetic and last time I took in cookies, this time I’m taking him meatloaf. I barely got through the grocery store with the ingredients with breaking down. I feel utterly guilty for the little moments of happiness or laughter today.. like it’s a betrayal of her memory that I could be anything but utterly wrecked. And I KNOW very much that we couldn’t have done anything differently, but I feel like we let her down somehow. We did a good job keeping her for as long as we did (FeLV cats usually live just 2.5-3 years) but a four year life just stinks. I know it’s not our fault, but we couldn’t fix her and that just kills me. We were her protectors, and we couldn’t protect her from the thing that took her. First, ***HUG*** that is never an easy situation. It sounds like you gave her a fabulous, loving home, and did everything you could to make her comfortable and happy. It's been almost 8 years since the last of our "kitties three" left us, and even though we have our current babies, I will get all teary when I find a picture or if a memory pops into my mind (happens randomly). Don't feel guilty though (I know, easier said than done). For everyone else *lots of hugs* and good thoughts going into 2015. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 So. I just found out that my little sister is feeling very suicidal. We were just in the hospital for about 6 or 7 hours. I've been through my fair share of depression, and I knew that she has too. But she has friends and is smart and just... really amazing. I'm really worried about her. She's one of the most important people in my life and I really don't want her to give up. I know it's good that she's getting the help she needs, but still. It's scary. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) I'm not proud to admit that I'm on an antidepressant medication, because until recently I wasn't taking anything and I was trying to 'deal' with my depression on my own, assuming I could soldier through it. Sadly, that's not the case and my doctor said that with my type of depression it explains why I am very forgetful. Well, I feel like kicking my own because I forgot where I had put my medication. I've looked everywhere it is and can't find it anywhere. This was four days ago. Now what was in my system is starting to wear off and I've been feeling more depressed today than normal. I hate it. I don't feel like doing anything, It's hard to laugh, hard to smile. I don't want to eat anything. It sucks! I can't get a refill for another week and so my only choice is to find my missing meds. I know it's here somewhere in the house. I haven't had any company so no one could have walked out with it. It's got a good seal so no pets can get into it. None of my cats take interest in anything like that anyway. I've looked in my bedroom, the medicine cabinet, the bathroom, I don't know where else it could be, but I hope I find it before my depression gets too bad again. It took me loosing it to realize just how much it was helping. I especially don't like feeling dizzy. The other side effects are also rearing their butt-ugly heads. I have a killer headache, I'm short-tempered, irritable, tired, and pretty much have zero tolerance or patience. That's so normally not me and I hate it. There is absolutely no shame in needing medication to help you get through day-by-day. As a fellow depression sufferer (serious to severe), I know that some people look down on those like us, but they're ignorant people who don't know a damned thing about it, and have never lived through it. Don't worry about what those people think. All that matters is that you're doing what you need to do, for you, and anyone who takes issue with that can suck it :-) That said, call your doctor! Explain the situation, and I can almost guarantee they'll write you a small script to tide you over, or let you refill early, unless you maybe have a history of (illegal) drug use, or a history of abusing prescriptions. No doc in their right mind would want you to go without your meds, especially where depression is concerned. It certainly never hurts to at least check! Edited January 3, 2015 by Omega Entity Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 There is absolutely no shame in needing medication to help you get through day-by-day. As a fellow depression sufferer (serious to severe), I know that some people look down on those like us, but they're ignorant people who don't know a damned thing about it, and have never lived through it. Don't worry about what those people think. All that matters is that you're doing what you need to do, for you, and anyone who takes issue with that can suck it :-) That said, call your doctor! Explain the situation, and I can almost guarantee they'll write you a small script to tide you over, or let you refill early, unless you maybe have a history of (illegal) drug use, or a history of abusing prescriptions. No doc in their right mind would want you to go without your meds, especially where depression is concerned. It certainly never hurts to at least check! lol, true enough. I guess I just feel bad about admitting it because I have stubbornness issues and when I finally realized I needed medication to help it stung my pride a bit because I tried to convince myself that you could accomplish anything with the right mindset, including beating depression. I know better now. nope, no history of that from me. It takes a headache to become borderline unbearable for me to take an Advil, let alone more drugs than needed. ^^ What's tomorrow, Saturday? I'll write a note to call my doctor tomorrow (am happy he works Saturdays) and see about getting a small refill and explaining what happened. Thanks! Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) I'm not proud to admit that I'm on an antidepressant medication, because until recently I wasn't taking anything and I was trying to 'deal' with my depression on my own, assuming I could soldier through it. THERE IS NO SHAME IN NEEDING MEDS. When was the last time you tried to soldier through pneumonia ? Mental illness is an illness like any other. (((Hugs))) I can't get a refill for another week Why on EARTH not ? I don't get that. Call your doctor and explain. Meanwhile - in case this is relevant - avoid ALL alcohol; it is in itself a depressant. Sad but true - as a life long depressive, there have been such long and tragic periods of no wine with dinner... (((herobrine745))) - and as many more as you need. And to everyone else who needs them - and even anyone else who just thinks hey a hug would be nice just CUZ ! And I raise a glass to Kestra15 for achievement in 2014 Edited January 3, 2015 by fuzzbucket Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 THERE IS NO SHAME IN NEEDING MEDS. When was the last time you tried to soldier through pneumonia ? Mental illness is an illness like any other. (((Hugs))) Why on EARTH not ? I don't get that. Call your doctor and explain. Meanwhile - in case this is relevant - avoid ALL alcohol; it is in itself a depressant. Sad but true - as a life long depressive, there have been such long and tragic periods of no wine with dinner... Thanks Fuzz, That's a very good point, I guess I just haven't been thinking in my right mind lately. ^^; I called my doctor a little bit ago and he said he'd call in the pharmacy and it should be ready by later today or tomorrow. You guys were right and he was very understanding when I explained which makes sense considering he's the one who explained to me why I'm so forgetful in the first place. Nope, not really an alcohol drinker. My only addiction is caffeine which has no effect with the medication. (thank god) (hugs back) Thanks a lot. I appreciate the support. the same goes for Omega Entity. There has only been one good thing to this whole event. I've been getting some great sleep for the past three nights, since one of the meds' side effects is trouble sleeping, but I'll be happy to trade it in once these other side effects go away. The dizziness I hate, but can deal with. It's the headaches that I can't stand. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 Hey Syiren, I used to be really funny about admitting to taking meds. Because of my own form of issues, I also tend to be really, really forgetful. I've lost my pills quite a few times, or ended up leaving them home, when I knew I was going to be out for the night. When you do find that missing bottle, keep a dose or two in it and toss it in your purse, or car (I didnt catch an age or gender, sorry). They sell little keychain things to store doses in at the local drug store (I actually keep a list of my meds tucked into my wallet, for emergencies and whatnot) If you think the reaction when you say you are on antidepressants is bad, you should see the looks people give you when you tell them you are on Lithium. Its pretty hilarious sometimes. I'm one of those people who always flinched and thought about people in mental institutes when people would tell me they were on it. I refused to take it for a few years, because of that reaction. When I finally decided it was time to go back on meds again, they went straight to it. It was a rocky adjustment (i was being over medicated for a few weeks), but its working really well for me. I'm kicking myself a bit for not getting medicated sooner. Hopefully, the doc will figure out the right dose soon for me. Need more than im taking, but less than what he had me on Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 The more of us PERFECTLY NORMAL people who admit to having mental health problems, in the same way as those with diabetes, epilepsy, haemophilia and so on do without issues - the sooner the SILLY stigmas will die out. Not to mention that people will stop looking at us as OMG SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE... Stand with me. I have mental health problems - I've been hospitalised with them - and I am NOT ASHAMED ! YAY US ! Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 Hello I'm in a predicament. I am told that I will be placed in situations and with people that will try to rob me of my dreams and happiness at college Yesterday I went over to college and someone randomly came out of there while I was standing in line and started invading my space. I tried to move away but they kept coming closer and I told mysełf not to think about it because I'm probably being provoked and tested Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 Hello I'm in a predicament. I am told that I will be placed in situations and with people that will try to rob me of my dreams and happiness at college Yesterday I went over to college and someone randomly came out of there while I was standing in line and started invading my space. I tried to move away but they kept coming closer and I told mysełf not to think about it because I'm probably being provoked and tested Who told you this, and why do you believe them ? Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 Hello I'm in a predicament. I am told that I will be placed in situations and with people that will try to rob me of my dreams and happiness at college Yesterday I went over to college and someone randomly came out of there while I was standing in line and started invading my space. I tried to move away but they kept coming closer and I told mysełf not to think about it because I'm probably being provoked and tested That was not a test, next time it happens just tell them they're making you very uncomfortable and please move back a little. They'll understand, but whoever told you that was being mean and honestly pushing you into something to try and help you out Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 Ok So, um yeah hi everybody My name, um let's go with Artie or Kuro. I have had depression since I was 13, just recently was diagnosed with Agoraphobia, aspergers, and borderline personality disorder. I can not take ANY meds, because of how my body reacts to them. My mother understands, my dad is out of the picture, he died four years ago and suffered PTSD. Um anyways, rambling will happen, I've never been sucidal, well I have but the whole will over thought thankfully kicks in and i instead got into cutting. My family thinks i can kick the habit and just wanting attention which leads to driving me into depression that's chronic It takes weeks to kick the feeling. Also one of my aunts gets drunk and likes cornering me or calling, i nearly tried doing more then sucidal thinking the first time it happened, but my mom and another aunt came home to find me in tears over it I can't drive, I can't work and I'm in the first studies of being on disability. To be honest, people scare me, not because of them being people but because I'm afriad of what they can do to me. Was one of those kids left with a family member that was an abuser in more then just emontional ways and not just verbal. Was getting counseling over it though, till I was kicked out of college for failing nothing but math due to dyslexic and no paperwork to prove it. Now I just, well hang around on LOTRO, and a few other sites not wanting to do much. Lately, well my dad died on feb 23 almost 5 years ago and I tend to get depressed from Christmas till after Easter. Nothing matters anymore, my mom and fiancee ( fiancee lives out of country) try to help but I get moody, and verbally volient at times, have seen DR about it, but not much they can do UM anyways, thank you for letting me ramble, just needed someone to vent to Share this post Link to post
Posted January 3, 2015 Hey Syiren, I used to be really funny about admitting to taking meds. Because of my own form of issues, I also tend to be really, really forgetful. I've lost my pills quite a few times, or ended up leaving them home, when I knew I was going to be out for the night. When you do find that missing bottle, keep a dose or two in it and toss it in your purse, or car (I didnt catch an age or gender, sorry). They sell little keychain things to store doses in at the local drug store (I actually keep a list of my meds tucked into my wallet, for emergencies and whatnot) If you think the reaction when you say you are on antidepressants is bad, you should see the looks people give you when you tell them you are on Lithium. Its pretty hilarious sometimes. I'm one of those people who always flinched and thought about people in mental institutes when people would tell me they were on it. I refused to take it for a few years, because of that reaction. When I finally decided it was time to go back on meds again, they went straight to it. It was a rocky adjustment (i was being over medicated for a few weeks), but its working really well for me. I'm kicking myself a bit for not getting medicated sooner. Hopefully, the doc will figure out the right dose soon for me. Need more than im taking, but less than what he had me on Sounds like you and I have some things in common when it comes to that. I guess it's just something I need to get used to. I've been dealing with depression for....more than a few years now, but I've only started seeing the doctor about it for about 4...maybe 5 months and have been taking medication for an even shorter time. I'm just not used to taking meds ever since I was a kid on riddaline (sp?). That was a horrible experience and boy was I happy the day I got off that...well was weened off it. Anyway, rambling, sorry. I didn't even know they made little keychains for that. I'll have to look for some. lol, that's okay. Everyone always thinks I look or act younger than what I am. I act like I'm 16-18 when I'm in my mid 20's. The good thing about that is when the ticket guy at the movie theater booth gives me my ticket he only charges me the Student price instead of normal. Sure, I'll take that. Sorry, I'm really side-tracked today. ^^; There was one good thing to come out of this whole thing and that was that I realized how much the meds were helping me. It makes me feel pretty darn good knowing that for once something was going right. Now I just gotta make sure I remember where I put them and keep it that way. *hugs* I hope your medication balances out soon. I had to do that when my Doctor gave me a bigger dose and it was doing more harm than good. Then after he cut it in half It was much better. The more of us PERFECTLY NORMAL people who admit to having mental health problems, in the same way as those with diabetes, epilepsy, haemophilia and so on do without issues - the sooner the SILLY stigmas will die out. Not to mention that people will stop looking at us as OMG SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE... .png Stand with me. I have mental health problems - I've been hospitalised with them - and I am NOT ASHAMED ! YAY US ! Yeah, that's true. I see more commercials for Depression than almost anything else, so there has to be a lot of people who need them. Oh I know, just because I'm quiet, mind my own business and often stick to the background doesn't make me a shady character. Ok So, um yeah hi everybody My name, um let's go with Artie or Kuro. I have had depression since I was 13, just recently was diagnosed with Agoraphobia, aspergers, and borderline personality disorder. I can not take ANY meds, because of how my body reacts to them. My mother understands, my dad is out of the picture, he died four years ago and suffered PTSD. Um anyways, rambling will happen, I've never been sucidal, well I have but the whole will over thought thankfully kicks in and i instead got into cutting. My family thinks i can kick the habit and just wanting attention which leads to driving me into depression that's chronic sad.gif It takes weeks to kick the feeling. Also one of my aunts gets drunk and likes cornering me or calling, i nearly tried doing more then sucidal thinking the first time it happened, but my mom and another aunt came home to find me in tears over it I can't drive, I can't work and I'm in the first studies of being on disability. To be honest, people scare me, not because of them being people but because I'm afriad of what they can do to me. Was one of those kids left with a family member that was an abuser in more then just emontional ways and not just verbal. Was getting counseling over it though, till I was kicked out of college for failing nothing but math due to dyslexic and no paperwork to prove it. Now I just, well hang around on LOTRO, and a few other sites not wanting to do much. Lately, well my dad died on feb 23 almost 5 years ago and I tend to get depressed from Christmas till after Easter. Nothing matters anymore, my mom and fiancee ( fiancee lives out of country) try to help but I get moody, and verbally volient at times, have seen DR about it, but not much they can do UM anyways, thank you for letting me ramble, just needed someone to vent to I'm really sorry to hear how much the loss of your dad effects you. My grandmother passed away three years ago January 9th, so I know how painful it is to lose someone. *hugs* I've had suicidal thoughts before and being stuck in that mindset is never fun. I never let it get any farther than "This world would be better off without me" or "What's the point of me even being here?" Like you, I have an understanding mother who is amazing when it comes to coping. She was my rock before I went to see a doctor. If medicine isn't an option, maybe you should see a counselor or a Psychiatrist? Even check out those group meetings where people with similar issues get together and help each other through it? I speak to a counselor about every other month along with my medication and it's been very helpful. I can't drive either, though it wold be nice if I could. Hopefully once I get my depression under better control and get a few other things taken care of I'll get my license. *tight hugs* venting is sometimes the best way to cope with the stress. Talking about it and letting it out is a lot better than holding it in which is never good. It's like a bottle of soda. you can only shake it so much before it fizzes over. Have you tried listening to calming music? I also find that is a huge stress reliever when there's nothing else. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 4, 2015 Depression and meds, blarg! Looking back, I've probably suffered from depression since I was a child. I ran the gamut of SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Welburtin), but eventually they stopped working for me, and I decided to wean myself off of meds entirely since there was no point. I went without medication for about 6 or so years, but slowly, progressively started falling back into my hole, until finally a few months back I felt suicidal - not badly enough that I would actually follow through, but enough that I knew I had to get help before I reached the point that I would. Enter my wonderful psychiatrist, that I started seeing once I realized that my new insurance (thank you, ACA!) would cover the bulk of the expenses. I lucked out, in that the first meds she put me on worked wonders. I'm on Lamictal, which is technically a seizure medication, but helps some people with depression by adjusting the chemical balance in the brain, as I understand it. It worked wonders for me, and within a few weeks I was feeling much better. Don't get me wrong, I still have major insecurities and obsess over stupid crap (which I hope to address with therapy soon), but the meds have gone a long way towards making me stable enough to actually enjoy life for the first time in a long time. My only fear is that I hope I'm never without insurance again. The medication I'm on, even in its generic form, is around $600+ a month - more than half (and sometimes all) that I make in a month. If I ever lose my insurance, then I can't afford to stay on the meds. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) Ok, I've never posted in here for my own situation before, only to give some support for others but here goes. I think I know what I'm going to do about all of this, but I just wanted to get it out somewhere safe and anonymous to really think about it and see if I'm coming off totally insane. So I have two friends. K and S. K is a self proclaimed old hippy lady, who has had a totally amazing life and is one of the most dynamic and selfless people I have ever met. I've known her for a little over a year, but we are both close like sisters. (Plus her husband and my boyfriend are both adults on the spectrum, specifically with Aspergers, so we totally bonded over that too.) She advocates for the disabled in the community here, is a Soldier's Angel, Another Brother's Mother, and does hospice care when she works. She is also a TBI (traumatic brain injury) domestic violence survivor. I did say she's dynamic and amazing. My other friend, S, I have known for nearly as long as I have lived up here. We used to work at the same place- she was in a different department, but we would always visit. Her Dad retired from yet anothr department and I know him too. She's cool, and can be a great friend. She has helped me out before, by watching my rabbits when I go on vacation (I do pay her, as well as bring her something like a bunch of halibut if I'm fishing or what ever so it's not for free), and being a friend- sometimes. She has her ups and downs, I wonder if she is borderline personality or even bipolar at times. She has men problems, and tends to date guys that hurt her. I don't encourage her when I can tell she's involved with a bad guy, but I stopped outright saying, "Hey! He's going to hurt you/jerk you around again!" as she basically stopped talking to me the last time I did that and I was very worried abuot her until she surfaced again after that. She lost her job due to an on the job back injury a couple of years back and took a settlement (which I don't think was enough and was encouraged to do settlement rather than coming back by a real looser boyfriend who took major advantage of her). I think she is bitter about the job now and sometimes reflects it on me since I still work there. I literally can't leave, I need the insurance and it's better pay than anything else I could get. Plus I have 3 or 4 more years to go before I'm vested. Also, it's not like I'd leave a real job with benefits, vacation, sick leave, and decent pay because a friend wants me to. S has tendencies to be kind of a craptacular friend sometimes, especially when she's in a halfway stable spot. I don't let her get to the point of using me (have always turned her down when she asks me to spot her $100+ until payday), but within the past 2-3 months has started being pretty bossy, and more recently treats me like I'm a moron. Ie- she will lecture me about things that I am more than aware of and interrupts me. During the summer when S was having money problems and K had a hospice job where she needed another person on staff I urged S to call her. I knew they would get along together, as they have many of the same interests, dogs, gardening, world views, spirituality, and a few more. Plus S has done hospice before and K needed someone responcible, a good person, and S would fill the bill. That seriously helped S out with spare money, and another friend as her relationship was going south. This was before S started treating me badly. S went through her break up and had to move. K and her husband as well as my boyfriend and I all helped her move. K had some cool spare furnature she gave S. So S has a really nice little place now. I am glad she has a good spot that she can enjoy, and is SAFE in... She deserves it. Ever since the start of her break up, S really started nitpicking me about stupid stuff. She told me my bed was too small, "I just don't see how you and your man can sleep in a full it's SO small!!!!" Anything bigger won't really fit in the bedroom of my apartment, we don't live together, and he's not over every night... Plus I could afford a full sized bed and sheets are cheeper. "You have too many rabbits! Anymore and I'm going to start getting rid of them fore you! I don't see how you can handle them!" I cleared out my spare room, so the show buns have an awesome play room and are seperated so fights and unintentional beedings won't happen, the rest are house rabbits who live in my living room. Meanwhile, she has three dogs - a husky, pitbull and nearly a year old spazzy pit mix who literally tears furnature apart on a regular basis. None of the rabbits even pee on the carpet, none the less rip the apartment or carpet apart. I clean their litter pans every other day, and they get a full clean cage weekly. It only takes about an hour, for the big cleaning and I enjoy their company. My favorite sound is when I put everyone to bed and go to bed myself- they get their nightly green veggies. I fall asleep to everyone crunching, it's an adorable sound to hear and very soothing. "Your boyfriend is a grown- ass man and he can make his own dinner! I don't see why you can't come over and visit K with me right now!" I hadn't eaten, and had only just gotten home a bit before so I could shower and then start dinner. I was tired, and worked an 8 hour day. Bra was off, pajamas were on. I didn't go over, talked with K on the phone, she was ok and not mad at me for having to do my own thing. I confronted her a while ago about those and a couple more and told her how they were hurtful and pretty rude. Especially since I was inviting her to my place to be extra nice for a while when she needed internet and didn't have it at her house. She did apologize for being stressed, which I understand. Now the critique started again, but in the form of lectures. If anyone else is around when we hang out, especially K, I can hardly get a word in edgewise. Everything is S being the gods given expert on the world. On things I know about. Telling stories to me about things I HELPED HER DO. I was THERE, but she has to tell me I don't understand and blow through the whole thing. I also think she is taking advantage of K. She has a gigantic huge smart TV (this is someone who keeps complaining about not having enough money for heating oill now since she has a job that doesn't pay the best) but does have satellite with hundreds of channels, internet, iPhone 6, iPad on her cell plan. She said she won the TV at Rent A Center in a contest. The funny thing is, about three weeks after she moved in to the place, she told me she was going to Fred Meyers to get some huge fancy TV for only $600 or something like that but HAD to get it right after Thanksgiving to be on sale. I think she lied to K and me about the TV, because I talked to her the day she was walking into the store to buy the TV and the week after she was all excited about having it. K also did give her a decent sized flat screen TV that she didn't need anymore that S has in her bedroom. Today when we were over I was getting so sick of not getting a word in edgewise, getting interrupted by S. I need to have a chat with K to see if she noticed. I know S needs people, especially going through tough times, but I can't take being her emotionall whipping post anymore. I also am not sure if I trust her to watch my rabbits again. Thank goodness for another good friend who offered to take them for me when I go on vacation in June. S made a comment about how she couldn't understand why or how I could spend money on a rabbit if something happened to it. Because there are more out there. Which isn't entirely true, I have two french angoras and one fuzzy lop. Decent quality French Angoras are really difficult to come across up here (both are show and wool bunnies for me- I spin), plus my fuzzy lop is a rare color and has two legs now (she won two shows). I literally could NOT find another fuzzy in the entire state like her. I would have to spend a lot of money to import another from the lower 48. I do admit having an extra attachment to one of my rabbits in particular. Everyone who meets him loves him too. He's one of those super special animals that draw people in like a magnet- I do pet therapy with the elderly with him. If anything happened to hiim, I would go to the ends of the Earth and sell everything to save him. He's my heart bun, and nothing could replace him. Yet she would spend the world on her dogs and has. So for a while I was too busy with holiday stuff, work, and dealing with a major cold I couldn't shake as well as a massive allergy that cropped up to tobacco smoke I managed to avoid S. (and K without meaning to). I'm very glad they had each other to spend time with, and seriously not jealous. I felt guilty enough I just couldn't make time to get together with them, but was so exhausted from my health that I needed weekends to myself to rest. I think I need to call Rent A Center and see if they really had an offer where someone could win a smart TV to see if my suspision is founded. I'm just so frustrated that I could find a way to help two friends and yet have the sinking suspision one is taking advantage of the giving one. It just really makes me angry. I also confess I wish I had never introduced them with the way S is acting, and now keeps getting mad at me if I don't spend time with her or K or both of them nearly all the time. I'm the only one with a 40 hour work week. I like having quiet time to relax by myself and spend time with my boyfriend. Plus I do have other friends who I do enjoy spending time with too, hobbies, and clubs I am a part of. It wasn't just K and S I didn't see for a while, I didn't go to the rabbit show down in Anchorage even though I wanted to. I wasn't up to it. (another friend took my show rabbits down and they did well!) I felt kind of badly, K was SO worried I was depressed over the holidays- we had a good laugh over that today when I told her I was just busy and legitimately tired. I hadn't wanted to get out of bed on some weekends because I physically needed the sleep. I was exhaused, and I just got new sheets right after Thanksgiving that have made my bed super comfy and I sleep so well on them. Yeah, trying to figure out a way to be able to help S and be there for her without the emotional abuse from her and finding a way to let K know I don't appreciate the abuse from S (if she even noticed it) and have about reached my maximum for my health without coming off as the jerk. I understand being stressed, but I have never consistently treated a friend like this in my life. I also really don't want S taking advantage of K. To top it off, both S and K smoke. Going to either house ends up making me sick. (It's the immuno suppressant medication I'm on that gave me this fun treat). It's not even the actual smoking, but the smoke that has settled in their furnature, walls, rugs, etc. I take that nasty steroid nasal spray so I don't end up hacking up a lung, but it gives me light sensitive migranes. I'd rather go to their houses though, as their clothing makes my furnature stink after they leave. Yay. Summer can't come too soon, at least we can sit outside in that case. Seperately, I feel like a huge jerk and like people think I'm making up the smoke issue. I asked my doctor about this after months of having a cough with flem that seemed to only happen at work, I figured out the catalyst was smoke and my work partner who stinks of it and smokes during the day. Her clothes even set me off. I think my boyfriend's smoker family, at least his dad and brother, think I'm a hypochondriac. I hate being sick. If I could choose to magically be cured and not on this drug I would. It's not my fault they chose to smoke and it hurts the heck out of me. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Whew! Thanks for reading. I feel better just putting it out there where people will see. Edited January 4, 2015 by LupaWulf Share this post Link to post
Posted January 6, 2015 I do not understand myself sometimes. There are times when I exerted a lot of effort and feel entitled. There would be only insults and no praises and I would feel that I am not being appreciated. On the other hand, when I do get praises and appreciation, I would feel uncomfortable and feel that I do not deserve it. What kind of emotions are those? Share this post Link to post
Posted January 6, 2015 *hugs anyone who is having a bad life at the moment* Share this post Link to post
Posted January 7, 2015 Well, I just got some panoramic X-Ray scans from the Dentist (with a machine that looked like some sort of alien torture device), and it turns out I have two supernumerary lower incisors (that means I have extra teeth hidden inside my jaw. Like a shark but not as many extras.) Anyway my dentist said I would need a minor surgery to get those out. Apparently there is a chance that they can erupt, which is supposed to hurt a lot. Has anyone undergone a procedure for this? And if so, can you tell me what it's like/what to expect? Share this post Link to post
Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) Well, I just got some panoramic X-Ray scans from the Dentist (with a machine that looked like some sort of alien torture device), and it turns out I have two supernumerary lower incisors (that means I have extra teeth hidden inside my jaw. Like a shark but not as many extras.) Anyway my dentist said I would need a minor surgery to get those out. Apparently there is a chance that they can erupt, which is supposed to hurt a lot. Has anyone undergone a procedure for this? And if so, can you tell me what it's like/what to expect? The closest thing I can think up is having wisdom teeth removed. I've had mine removed, only this passed August. There's some terminology but I think the most relatable would be the severely impacted teeth; your wisdoms are completely horizontal when they should be vertical so they grow towards the roots of your molars. Anyways, you'll be put under for your procedure. That's a certain unless you choose to be aware for it. (I suggest you go with option A and be put under fully as to avoid the possibly frightening sight.) You'll get a consultation before setting up a date for the surgery. If it's anything like getting wisdoms removed, you'll be versed on the procedure, how they'll go about getting your teeth removed, and the terminology associated with it. Essentially, once you're out, they'll cut into your gums and your jawbone in order to get to the targeted teeth. Once all are removed, they'll stitch the bone and gums back together. You won't be allowed to eat or drink anything within ~12 hours before the surgery. It'll seriously be over before you realize it. However, I can't guarantee how you'll be once you're aroused from the anesthesia. Myself, I can't remember most of what happened after going under up until the point where I was placed on my living room couch. Sleepy, mouth filled with cotton, wasn't allowed to eat solid food and had to suck on a Keva Juice. It's not frightening but, it's okay to worry about it. Ya know? Just don't swallow the blood in your mouth. Spit it out else you'll likely end up sick. Also, keep an icepack wrapped up in a hand/dish towel and leave it against your jaw; switch between sides now and then. It'll help keep the swelling down. I suggest you cuddle up in bed or with someone (like parent's bedroom) and just watch TV for the rest of the day or take a nap. It's the soft-foods diet that's going to be a pain. I was much hungrier, much more frequently, and it left me sometimes crabby. However, you'll be able to gradually add to your diet as you heal up until you're finally back to eating your average stuff. Course, you'll likely get sore from chewing. Chicken soup and yogurt are going to be your best friends during the recovery process. Cleaning will also be a hassle but important. At some point, about a week after surgery, you'll have to start rinsing out the sutures (the stitched up areas) with warm, salt-solution water. Brushing your teeth is allowed but avoid the sutures. Most likely, you'll be stitched up with the type that dissolve on their own. If not, your doctor is sure to schedule a day where you'll need to go in and get them removed. Salt-solution rinsing will only last for up to a month unless otherwise instructed. Outside of that, I can't say that I can help advise you on anything. I hope this helps you gain a bit of a grasp on what to expect. Again, there's no need to panic. I was scared for my procedure a little but I was able to relax and feel secure. Edited January 7, 2015 by Narvix Share this post Link to post
Posted January 7, 2015 I think I need to call Rent A Center and see if they really had an offer where someone could win a smart TV to see if my suspision is founded. This right here is the ultimate sign that you need to take a long, long break from S. Friends don't suspect each other like this or give each other reason to and if they do, they understand and laugh it off. Investigating people, IMO, means you have surpassed the point of being good for each other. It's not your job to take care of S. It's your job to take care of you. Her place harms you physically because of the smoke and mentally because of her treatment. Don't feel guilty for needing to take care of you. Just take care of you. <3 Also, I think it's fair to keep activities at K's place outside or to meet at a more neutral place. Her smoking literally harms you physically. If she's a friend, she should understand that being at her place is harmful to you and work with you. Yeah, it sucks when you and a friend have such different needs, but hey. I lived with two smokers for a few years and both highly respected my asthma and health needs. They never smoked inside or with windows open where they were smoking. When they were outside and I was coming home, they always moved so that I wouldn't be downwind of them. My female roommate in particular was especially careful to watch both of them and make sure I was okay. These were never things I asked them to do. They did it because they understood and were happy to make sure my health wasn't affected by their habits. Our house never reeked of smoke. They were very responsible and careful about it. Anyway. I feel like you mostly just need to get that out and it sounds like it helped. Glad that you post! I do not understand myself sometimes. There are times when I exerted a lot of effort and feel entitled. There would be only insults and no praises and I would feel that I am not being appreciated. On the other hand, when I do get praises and appreciation, I would feel uncomfortable and feel that I do not deserve it. What kind of emotions are those? A lot of people feel like this. Two things that may be good practice: -Even if you don't feel like you deserve praise, always say thank you and accept it with a positive attitude. This can help us feel like we are deserving when it comes our way. -When you've done something big, share with those who care. If you get insulted, put up your hand and say "No, thanks. I am proud of what I've accomplished and I'm sorry you can't be happy for me." Share this post Link to post
Posted January 7, 2015 A lot of people feel like this. Two things that may be good practice: -Even if you don't feel like you deserve praise, always say thank you and accept it with a positive attitude. This can help us feel like we are deserving when it comes our way. -When you've done something big, share with those who care. If you get insulted, put up your hand and say "No, thanks. I am proud of what I've accomplished and I'm sorry you can't be happy for me." Thanks, that's nice. Regarding the second part, that sounds like bragging! Share this post Link to post
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