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Obscure_Trash

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Just to preface this by saying that I already have anxiety issues.

 

I'm filling out my university application and UCAS is driving me up the wall.

 

I finally completed my personal statement but because of my paragraph formatting it was too long. So I reformatted my paragraphs so it would fit in the web form. I saved it. Went to preview (because the site is so badly designed that you to preview it before you can mark the section complete even if you know it already fits.) saw that it's completely removed all my formatting.

 

*Screams in frustration.*

 

Nothing I can do about that. I have left it as it is while fighting the urge to cry.

 

Then I find out that the system is so bleep bleep bleeped up that it doesn't acknowledge I've entered my actual results, (I'm a mature student in my early twenties) not predicted results, that it won't accept them without a code from my BTEC certificate which is bleeping impossible to decipher because there are three bleeping codes there and none say what they are.

 

I finally found the code with help of my sister only to find out that it's not bleeping needed and I can enter a code which tells them that. Why that information is not on the site to help people who already have their results is beyond my comprehension.

 

This has ratcheted up my anxiety and frustration levels and right now all I want to do is scream, cry and throw breakable objects.

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Cireth, I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I just have to take a break and calm down. That way nothing gets broken and I don't get hurt. Take a step back and breath, do something else.

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Thanks Anna. Yeah I think I'm going to check on my dragons, abuse my room's wall with a pillow and then read something.

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Good idea Cireth. Don't forget to breathe either.

 

I'm off for the rest of the week....plan to enjoy it. It will be a nice break.

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TL:DR Version: the newly remedicated bipolar person is freaking out over still being manic for 5 months with no real support system. Everything after this is just details and whining.

 

I went back on meds for my mental issues (bipolar...) a few months back after having been mostly ok being off meds for a few years. I knew I was struggling being off of them, and wanted a jumpstart on them, before the eventual low came. I have been in manic mode for nearly 5 months now. I started meds roughly two months ago. We still havent found a combination/dosage level that works for me, but I am actively keeping tabs on whats going on, what changes are happening mood wise.

 

While my dosages have been tweaked up and down, we still havent found one that keeps me in a decent middle ground. With me, the goal isnt to hit normal and keep me there, its to get me to drop to a more "slightly manic" and keep me there. Its still manic, but its a level that I can function normally in, because "normal" is a zombie mode for me, and in the past hitting normal has only been a gateway to a sudden crash, or rapid cycles of doom.

 

When i decided to go back on meds, and to check myself into the program I did, I laid my groundwork out. I /always/ have to have a back up plan.. no matter what. I talked to my family, my very few IRL friends, my parents, anyone that i knew I was reasonably going to be in contact with, and I let them know "hey, im doing this thing. Doing this thing has caused me problems in the past and I really need your help." I wanted to make sure that if i started reacting weirdly, or if my bipolar started acting differently, I would have people to lean on.. who could help me. I was completely open and honest about things, I provided reading material, and stories about things I had been through relating to my bipolar.. warning signs for things to watch for if my actions werent enough to get their attention. I thought I had built a support system.. but really.. all i did is remind myself that I can only really rely on myself, because the people I surround myself with all have their own issues and no matter how open, how honest I am.. they cant help me. They dont understand it, they dont get that when I hit a point where I am ACTUALLY asking for help to get through whatever cycle I am stuck in, that they can't be relying on me to hold their hand while helping me. I cant be supportive to them in their issues, I cant give them advice, or deal with the stress of trying to put my light speed racing thoughts into easy to follow conversational format.

 

These friends and family members who claim to have read the material, who claim to know me and when something is wrong with me, who promised to help me in the rough patches... have been rather unhelpful to me. I have had a couple of lows since being on the meds (not horrible compared to previous ones, but considering where my manic level has been, normal is a scary low for me). Even after telling them "I'm having a low, im stressing out because of (reasons) I need someone to talk to" somehow, I keep ending up being a sounding board for their issues. They keep putting me into a position where I have to be supportive because they are blue about things, I have to sit through them telling me depressing detail after depressing detail about how much their lives suck, because somehow, in their minds, having me listen to their issues is supposed to distract me from my own. "Because Thu likes solving problems" and their problems are more important.

 

I have been manic far too long. I know something is wrong, I know im doing what I can to take care of it, and that for the most part, NORMALLY I dont need someone to hold my hand. Over the last week though.. yea.. I need some hand holding. I need help with things. I tried to talk to the med guy about it.. and he said "man, im glad its not me having to deal with all of that" and then LAUGHED! He agreed to raise my dose of the one med up a touch, and if that doesnt work, he has another one planned that he thinks is a good idea (but the first thing he said about it is that "it can cause a rash, and if it does, stop taking it immediately because it can be fatal"... yea.. that sounds... lovely.)

 

As if the stress of knowing that wasnt enough, the same people who I had hoped would provide support, are all getting mad at me because im struggling. They are upset because im not "trying" to help them deal with their stressors, im not doing enough of the things i used to do, My attitude is wrong. Even my HUSBAND who I have been with for almost 12 years now is constantly getting upset because im being too depressing, talking too much, wasting energy on things I shouldnt be when there are other things I should be doing (like getting a job...). Im sorry. I have the attention span of a gnat, I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin, the meds are messing with me, and more and more things keep getting piled on me. A job, while helpful just isnt in the realm of things I can handle /right now/. I cant even fill out an application on a GOOD day, without having a panic attack.

 

This level of manic is scaring the crud out of me. I cant stop talking, I cant sleep, I cant focus to get anything done I need to. I cant talk to people while face to face, or form proper sentences to convey the things im trying to say. It is exhausting to take everything going on in my head, and translate it to "normal people" speak so that I can keep people in the loop about my mental health.

 

 

I'm not a danger to anyone, I'm not suicidal, im not going to take off on a crazy adventure, or go on a murder spree. I can barely make it to my therapy appointments, so grand adventures will have to wait. I wont drive, because I know I cant focus long enough to do it safely. I just hate knowing that something is wrong, and having everyone around me act like its an inconvenience. I hate feeling like im letting everyone down because for in the first time in my life, I am seriously asking the people I care about.. to take on the role that i have always been to them. I need someone else to take the reigns and take care of the things I usually do for a little while, to give me a chance to get back to a point where I can actually function again.

 

 

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Thank you for the suggestions. I read a few question response areas and some sugggested a food based scent trap like with a mouse to lure them out but I don't have enough pinkies to heat up and place around. I saw one suggestion of someone who said they had worked as an assistant to a educational reptile owner who had lost a snake that escaped its enclosure. They left bloody tampons here and there and eventually found it. That's where I got my idea. With cats and dogs around I cant just leave it sitting there without something to enclose it.

 

As far as heating pads or lamps, I don't have a heating pad. My room gets tons of sun during the day and is not very cold at night so I had put off getting one. Not due to lazyness mostly due to being really behind on bills so I've really had no money to buy her a heating pad. I'm pretty much hoping the scent trap works... Its been a week and I really think she got outside and I just really want her back...

 

[edit]

In term of cage feeding, she gets a tad antsy when I go to get her from her tank to handle her and let her move around more so I went for out of tank feeding to kind of ensure that her ants is only the anticipation of me picking her up and not the anticipation of food. I handled her regularly so she had calmed down a bit and at most leaked a little must on me here and there if I was too sudden to grab her. Otherwise she responded generally well. Her schedule was consistent until I left for my trip and after going 12 days with no food I wanted to try and feed her before trying to restart the schedule she was used to. Since the day I got her I had been feeding her out of her tank and she responded very well. So I've had no issue with that :3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Thu things like that are so scary. A lot of what I go through I only really share with my boyfriend and a friend because really they know what its like. Mainly my BF. Its an awful thing to have something wrong, need someone there, and no one cares to give you the time of day unless it pertains to their issue. The fact that you still sit there and listen shows how much you truly care as opposed to them.

 

I wish I could help you. Give you someone that could sit and listen. I love listen to others and thinking of way to help them out because I know in the end if I can help them it makes them happy. If it makes them happy it makes me happy. I have awful memory so reading material would only be retained for so long. I hope someone you know can help. Try reaching out a little more? It maybe scary but I know someone you know whether geographically nearby or on the internet can be the perfect councelor, mentor, the right friend or friends to listen and support you whether they can rush to your house and hug you or not. I wish I could help, but I don't know you or what ails you enough, so the best I can really do is wish for the best, keep you on my mind and hope that with that somehow, some way, you find the support you need.

Edited by AnanoKimi

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Thanks AnanoKimi.

 

I'll keep using my normal day to day tricks to keep myself distracted, finishing up rotting art projects, did some writing, playing with the kids (they are the ONLY ones able to keep my attention.. playing with them is a wonderful distraction. My youngest wants to make dinner tonight herself, and my son wants to help. I love letting them be creative, even if sometimes.. their dinner ideas are horrible. Their idea tonight is cheese stick stuffed, bacon wrapped turkey meat loaf with roasted potatoes... they are still planning what they want to try)

 

 

I am doing /ok/ but I know I could be better. Since I cant talk to the support system people about how im feeling without them getting offended and/or twisting it into being all about them somehow i just.. needed to rant. It sucks, but I know i'll get through it, just like every other challenge I have run into. It would just be easier if the support I had hoped for worked out like i thought, but.. it never does. Its ok. Silver lining is that once I get past it, I'll know how to handle it next time.

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To some degree you'll have the people here Thu. I'm glad your kids can help distract you and really that's an awesome way to just try and keep your mind off things. Things will definitely get better, its the bumpy ride to better than sucks to no end. I hope you find better support though, I know that regardless of it all it is always very helpful to have someone who is trying to understand your situation to the best of their abilities whilst putting their problems on the side for a bit. The best of luck and I just hope this bumpy ride isn't too bumpy. There's always someone here to listen tho :3

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Pet issues here. Me and my mom just started a jogging routine to try and get into shape, we brought our little dog, Scarlet along with us as she really wanted to go(note that she is very old, and has been a lot less enthusiastic about walking, if she wants to go at all). Everything was going well until the home stretch as we were passing a neighbor's house, and their dog escaped their fence and attacked Scarlet. We managed to break it up, but Scarlet was limping badly, oddly not the area that the other dog was biting.

 

We got her home and to the vet, and the vet THINKS she has a hairline fracture in her hip. There is also some evidence there may be something else there, like a tumor or something, they are unsure from the x-rays. Pretty much any option other than dosing her up with pain meds and waiting is going to be expensive. Fortunately, despite her age(14), the vet assures us that this is a relatively safe procedure. I know my parents are thinking of asking the neighbor who owns the dog to pay for the procedure(he did before when their dogs attacked Scarlet a different time). I am hoping that they chose to do one of the options, regardless of whether or not he pays. A decision needs to be made within 72 hours, otherwise we will be stuck with just keeping her dosed on heavy painkillers and hoping she heals.

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Pet issues here. Me and my mom just started a jogging routine to try and get into shape, we brought our little dog, Scarlet along with us as she really wanted to go(note that she is very old, and has been a lot less enthusiastic about walking, if she wants to go at all). Everything was going well until the home stretch as we were passing a neighbor's house, and their dog escaped their fence and attacked Scarlet. We managed to break it up, but Scarlet was limping badly, oddly not the area that the other dog was biting.

 

We got her home and to the vet, and the vet THINKS she has a hairline fracture in her hip. There is also some evidence there may be something else there, like a tumor or something, they are unsure from the x-rays. Pretty much any option other than dosing her up with pain meds and waiting is going to be expensive. Fortunately, despite her age(14), the vet assures us that this is a relatively safe procedure. I know my parents are thinking of asking the neighbor who owns the dog to pay for the procedure(he did before when their dogs attacked Scarlet a different time). I am hoping that they chose to do one of the options, regardless of whether or not he pays. A decision needs to be made within 72 hours, otherwise we will be stuck with just keeping her dosed on heavy painkillers and hoping she heals.

It's a fair bet that your dog injured herself trying to escape the other dog, so it would be fair for them to at least cover the initial vet checkup, if not part of the procedures.

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I agree with Fizzix. It is their responsiblity, especially if the attack didn't take place on their property. *hugs*

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Even if the attack did not take place on their property, lets say it happened on the sidewalk a house down, it is still their responsibility. If the same dog has attacked yours before, and is known to escape, better measures to secure the dog should have been taken. Its obvious there were no improved measures seeing as the dog escaped again and now the dog is injured. On top of that they own the dog. so even if your dog was attacked on your yard as you were about to walk into the house, it is their dog, their responsibility to ensure it does not escape, as such their fault. They should pay all if at least half of all procedures done to your dog.

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Was a police report filed on either time your dog has been hurt by this other dog? Up here at least, if you file a police report they make sure that the dog that attacked someone is up to date on shots, and having that paperwork available helps make it easier to "encourage" them to pay for the vet care (or risk losing their dog).

 

Reporting it might not feel like the right thing to do, however, its not just about you guys and your dog. How many other dogs have been injured by those owners neglecting to secure their property to keep their dog in the yard? What if it happened to be a kid, and not your dog? Yes.. it might cause problems between you and your neighbor.. however.. your neighbors are responsible for anything that happens in the event their dog gets out like that.

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There are reasons to get accommodations to lessons made, and this is one of them. Talk to your teacher about maybe being able to sit down while you make your presentation due to the blood pressure, and learn to use an outline. If you know your topic well, even an outline or some notecards (so you can flip through them, have a motion that lets you know you're moving on, and a bit of a fidget to focus you) can help keep you on track without the rigidity of reading from a paper.

 

Remember that if everyone else has to do this presentation, they're going to be as scared of doing theirs as you are of doing yours. Even though they're not doing it on the same day, they're probably worried about doing theirs more than how you're doing on yours.

 

Public speaking is hard, but it doesn't have to be. It's a common fear. Make sure you know everything you possibly can about your subject, and narrow it down to what you need to share with the class. smile.gif

I've heard that my parents have been discussing my blood pressure problem with our homeroom teacher, so I guess I have to sit down during the presentation. We also are permitted to use an outline, which is good. ~

 

I actually thought about that, and it kinda helps me to calm down, since I can't be the only one that is worries and scared.

 

I don't even know why is it so hard, it just needs to be done once and that's it. I'll be free by the same evening. smile.gif

Practice is always needed, so I have to do a lot of it when the presentation is more topical and more information is given. ~

 

Thank you!

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AnanoKimi, it's their responsibility regardless, I agree. However, sometimes people feel that if the other animal was on their property...then its not their responsibility...that's all I was saying. (My mothers husband was a jerk like that).

 

It's obvious that their pets and their inability to keep their dogs in the yard could be a dangerous thing. Definitely report it.

 

 

 

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Hi there... I just really need a hug right now :/

 

It's a kinda long story.

 

I've never really lived alone before. When I moved out from my parents, I lived in another town with my ex bf. Then I met my ccurrent bf through gaming, and he lives a good hundred kilometers away. So ofc. I ended it with my ex (it was pretty much over anyways, we just were living together in the end).

My bf is 43, I'm 21. So yeah, I feel childish a lot of times. And I feel forced to grow up and become mature, right now. But that's a thing that will eventually work out. And, he has bipolar disorder and depression. That's a thing that causes a lot more trouble.

 

For a year or so I was alone all week and only saw my bf at the weekends. He has problems leaving the house, so if I wanted to make sure we could see each other, I had to go to his town. So, my friends who I have here never have time during the week, and I never got to meet ppl in his town. I began feeling really lonely during the week, and I felt kinda restless, everything stationary became boring, I had to run around and do stuff all the time. I felt terrible during that time. And when my bf had his "deeps", it was even worse. I had to act like I was happy, I had to cheer him up, while feeling like running away.

 

Then my bf moved in with me and it was all so much better. I began becoming calmer and he began feeling a little better even in his bad times. Usually I could cheer him up a bit, I was there for him, and that kinda gave me purpose. I like being useful for someone, I like feeling needed. And when he has better phases he was there for me. Even when I needed help with something. But I never learned to rely on him.

 

I felt like I needed some company, I wished to have a pet. At first I got ferrets. I made a real effort building a huge wardrobe-cage, I sewed them beds and stuff. BF didn't care about them at first and didn't even want to come with me to visit some, he said he was okay with it. Well when I had them he said they stink, and he cound't stand them. He treated them roughly and they started biting after a while. 4 months later I had to give them away, they even started biting me, and I felt terrible. Loving two sides who can't stand each other is hard.

Half a year later I wanted a cat, and he said it was okay, he liked cats. Then we went to a person selling their cats and one was scratchy when playing and now he says I shouldn't get cats at all. I'm confused. Just because this one was not very nice doesn't mean all cats are bad or anything sad.gif

 

And now there's this job my bf got. It's in his town, so he want back there. It was all his hope to be able to work again, and I wished it for him so much, even though I would be alone again. And now he's been gone for a few days, it's the second day working and he hasn't shown up there today. He called me telling me he failed and he is thinking about ending his life again because he doesn't want to have a life without purpose and he doesn't want to rely on my income. He just hung up going to sleep. And I can't do anything from here.

I couldn't tell him that I'm feeling so lonely right now, I couldn't tell him how I've been doing over the past days.

 

I think I need to stop having my feelings and my problems when he's feeling bad. I don't really know if I'm able to do that...

 

 

 

 

@Thuban: I liked reading your stories, it kinda helps trying to see things from your point of view. It's sad that your relatives and friend can't really be there for you. It definitely is hard to understand these things from the outside, though. I can't imagine how it is to not be able to go out of the door, for example. But I see it is that way. And it's taken me almost a year of intensive contact to start taking it for what it is, a chronic disease. Nothing that can be cured within a short time, nothing that will get better with pressure from the outside. And I still make lots of mistakes trying to cope with things the right way.

I just wanna say, don't be too disappointed with your people. They might not know better, and understanding (or better, accepting) some things takes longer than others.

I don't really know what else to say, but I wish you the best of luck.

Edited by Lilly

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Lilly, I hate to say it, but he sounds like a really, really bad match for you. You should never be in a relationship with someone where you feel like you have to 'grow up' to fit into it like a pair of oversized trousers. It also sounds like his issues make yours feel inconsequential. You shouldn't be making yourself miserable for the sake of keeping someone else happy - yes, relationships are supposed to be give and take, but it sounds like the giving and taking is pretty disproportionate.

 

As far as the animals go, he sounds like an overgrown child, blaming the animals for behaviors that he's triggering with his treatment of them. It also sounds like he's treating -you- like a child as well. That isn't a healthy relationship.

 

Never, -never- feel like you or your feelings are any less than his, or anyone else's. That's a load of crap. The truth of the matter is that you simply aren't equipped to deal with him and his issues, and that's perfectly okay. This telationahip isn't healthy for either of you.

 

You need to really sit down and think about if this relationship is really the best for either of you, and picture if this situation is how the want to continue living your life in for the next weeks, months, years. If it's not, then you know what you need to do.

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Lilly, I hate to say it, but he sounds like a really, really bad match for you. You should never be in a relationship with someone where you feel like you have to 'grow up' to fit into it like a pair of oversized trousers. It also sounds like his issues make yours feel inconsequential. You shouldn't be making yourself miserable for the sake of keeping someone else happy - yes, relationships are supposed to be give and take, but it sounds like the giving and taking is pretty disproportionate.

 

As far as the animals go, he sounds like an overgrown child, blaming the animals for behaviors that he's triggering with his treatment of them. It also sounds like he's treating -you- like a child as well. That isn't a healthy relationship.

 

Never, -never- feel like you or your feelings are any less than his, or anyone else's. That's a load of crap. The truth of the matter is that you simply aren't equipped to deal with him and his issues, and that's perfectly okay. This telationahip isn't healthy for either of you.

 

You need to really sit down and think about if this relationship is really the best for either of you, and picture if this situation is how the want to continue living your life in for the next weeks, months, years. If it's not, then you know what you need to do.

+1

 

 

Relationships are a two way street. It is PERFECTLY ok to have a set of expectations of things you need from people you want in your life, as long as you are willing to also budge on things every now and then that your partner needs. There is a pretty big line between needs and wants. Take some time and figure out what you NEED in a relationship, and what you WANT in a relationship. Then, look at your situation again, and see of those NEEDs are being met.

 

Clear, concise, HONEST communication is one of the most important things (THE Most important in my own) in relationships. Has your partner told you why hes reacting so badly to the situations/pets hes not handeling well? Have you talked to him about how/why things that are happening are upsetting you? Can you handle living on your own for awhile? Are you going to need a roommate when he leaves?

 

You have a real opportunity here, even if it doesnt seem that way /right now/. This experience will equip you for the future in the sense that you are learning to be an adult, to make adult decisions, how to do all of the annoying adult things that they really dont equip you for in school, while still having the fallback of being young enough to make those mistakes. Use this experience to your advantage, and know that no matter how everything works out, You will be stronger in the end for it.

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I normally don't talk about my private life but I've just had a discussion with my mom (again) and I need some emotional support. She feels let down by me.

The reason; I don't believe in emotional hierarchy. Not only don't I believe in it. I can't feel it. I can't say my cousin is more important to me than my aunt, because both are important to me.

 

Well, the thing is she told me; ¿Who would you rather die? ¿Your dog or your grandpa?

I responded I'd rather none die.

 

Apparently that is being a bad person in her eyes, because I don't feel like her. But what can I do? I can't choose. Both are too important for me to choose. Why should my dog be less important for me? Because she's a dog? What can I do when that's the way I feel?

 

I try to be a good person, help others, volunteer for charity. I am a deeply emotional person, I suffer for an abandoned dog but also for starving children in África, war refugees and the suffering of other people. Why does something like not being able to choose make me suddenly a bad person?

I don't get it. I feel so... frustrated. I can't try to reason with her because she's as stubborn as a mule.

 

(as of now, she isn't talking to me)

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Dragon, your mother is being extremely childish, especially over an extremely hypothetical situation. As such, I wouldn't let her words and behavior trouble you too much. I'd have given much the same answer. In fact, I could think of more than a few family members that I'd choose the lives of my pets over any day of the week. So really, that probably makes me a worse person than you are wink.gif

Edited by Omega Entity

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Dragon, there is actually a name for that, but I cant for the life of me remember it right now (if i remember.. i'll edit tongue.gif)

 

I'm the same way. I love different people, different ways. Its not different levels so much as acknowledging that every person is different, and therefore the love is going to be different. Not better or worse, just different.

 

 

Its not much different than when people ask "Which kid do you love more?" Its not a fair question. Sure, my daughter talks too much, is really annoying and rather needy... but shes far more fun to hang out with than my son. With my son though, we have some pretty deep conversations about life, the universe.. how we see the world. Hes better for more complicated, indepth conversations. Do I love one more than the other... no. But i definitely love different aspects of them differently. My dog ranks as one of the kids (i have a facebook post today to prove it!)

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+1

 

 

Relationships are a two way street. It is PERFECTLY ok to have a set of expectations of things you need from people you want in your life, as long as you are willing to also budge on things every now and then that your partner needs. There is a pretty big line between needs and wants. Take some time and figure out what you NEED in a relationship, and what you WANT in a relationship. Then, look at your situation again, and see of those NEEDs are being met.

 

Clear, concise, HONEST communication is one of the most important things (THE Most important in my own) in relationships. Has your partner told you why hes reacting so badly to the situations/pets hes not handeling well? Have you talked to him about how/why things that are happening are upsetting you? Can you handle living on your own for awhile? Are you going to need a roommate when he leaves?

 

You have a real opportunity here, even if it doesnt seem that way /right now/. This experience will equip you for the future in the sense that you are learning to be an adult, to make adult decisions, how to do all of the annoying adult things that they really dont equip you for in school, while still having the fallback of being young enough to make those mistakes. Use this experience to your advantage, and know that no matter how everything works out, You will be stronger in the end for it.

I couldn't agree more.

 

Dragon: HUGE HUGE HUGS. Don't let her reactions get to you. Like Omega, I'd say the same thing. (Of course I also agree that there are relatives that I would choose my pets over).

 

Feeling rather that way right now....we went down to see and help my mother (who is dying of cancer/emphysema/copd/alcoholism, etc). And my dad came over to help her with the bills, and I can't be around both of them at the same time for more than an hour without wanting to throw sharp objects. My dad is taking care of bills that my sister doesn't have time to take care of, but at the same time, he is really taking over the process, and it's upsetting my sister. Personally, neither of us trust him as he has "borrowed" large chunks of money from my mother over the years, and in fact recently. Of course, my mother lets him, says she feels torn between a rock and a hard place, and if she doesn't, then he won't help her.

 

It's really a cluster...

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Thank you guys for your support. smile.gif

 

Lady Caetlyn, huge hugs to you too. I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and I do wish things get better. Those situations are very complex and one can never know the best way to board them.

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