Emotional Support

[lady_caetlyn]

Dragon, I try to take myself out of it as much as possible. This whole situation has taken a toll on all of us. I've been estranged from her on and off for the past four years because after her husband died, she started drinking...and she tends to be an abusive drunk...and after many months of drunken phone calls, criticizing me, my parenting, my husbands lack of a job, the state of our apartment, etc....I cut her off. It's been stressful this past year especially. We lost my mother in law (who I was closer to) almost a year ago this January, and during the time when we were trying to get those affairs settled, my mother was just on a tear...

 

So no sooner than we finish handling that, we had to start helping my mother get ready to move (she lost her house). Of course, she sat and drank and did nothing...we did all the work.

 

Then she got sick, and it's been a mess. My sister lives closer to her and took on a lot of stuff, which I appreciate. However lately, my dad has been doing more. (my parents are a textbook example of co-dependency though they have been divorced for 33 years). It's all well and good he's getting the things done that my sister can't; however...his methods leave a lot to be desired. He hasn't bothered to coordinate with my sister to find out where her stopping point was, or even how she was doing stuff...he just does it and then yells about how she's not doing it.

 

Keep in mind, he's also borrowing money from my mother- and I don't mean small amounts....He has champagne tastes on a beer budget...(and it pisses me off for other reasons.) He's snooping around the accounts; and I think he is going to go after whatever money he can (he can't touch her retirement, but still).

 

Yesterday, I went down to help her with some stuff, and I got very little done because he monopolized her time with the bills. Then he had a major fit and was just ripping on my sister (who was not there) because she didn't wash a casserole dish that was soaking in the sink). Uh, really?????

 

And all he did while taking care of the medical bills was * about how much my sister didn't do etc etc...

 

And it made me mad....not that he was getting stuff done, but that he just steamrolled over everything she was trying to set up (She is a co-signer on my mom's account and the executor of the estate). Neither of us trust my dad with the money.

 

And my sister has had it and blew up last night and will not be talking to my dad for a long time. Honestly, I don't blame her, and will stand by her, but I'm trying to keep out of it. It made me mad that he felt the need to come down on her.

 

 

[DragonNighthowler]

I'm really sorry. Makes my problems seem pretty minor. Hope everything gets better. Sometimes, staying out of it is the best you can do, or it'll start affecting your health and sanity. This matters are even more complicated because there are feelings involved. As much as we can get mad, they are still our parents.

 

My mom's not that bad, really, she does take care of us and has helped me a bunch. When I needed money I had it, and when we were homeless and searching for a new place to stay (two months), she accepted me, my boyfriend (who's not an easy person) and my two large dogs. I know I can count on her.

 

It's just menopause seems to be affecting her very negatively and I'm not sure she might not be into depression. Anyways, she's the type of person you can't talk to unless you say "yes sir" to everything. She's the kind of woman who gets angry out of the blue if you say; "I don't agree because...", even going down to calling you things I guess she doesn't really mean, but they hurt all the same.

Last time we were discussing about climate change. She even called me stupid. I tried to keep my cool but ended up breaking down crying, don't know if out of sheer frustration or because I felt like trash. It feels like I can't make her proud of who I am. The easiest solution would be to not care, and honestly, I wouldn't if it was someone else but... she's my mom.

[lady_caetlyn]

And therein lies the rub. They are our parents, and we love them....even if we don't particularly like them...

 

that is the main reason I haven't walked away. She is my mom and she and my dad have helped us when needed. Well, the other reason is because I want my daughter to have relationships with her two surviving grandparents.

 

I get where you are coming from. Not an easy thing is it? I know my mother is clinically depressed. I hope your situation gets a bit easier though

 

 

Edited January 16, 2015 by lady_caetlyn

[SolarCat]

Hi there... I just really need a hug right now :/

 

It's a kinda long story.

Relationships are about respect.

 

Your story reminds me of an ex boyfriend. We went all sorts of places together - he'd take me to fancy restaurants, he'd buy me some designer clothes, but I didn't care about any of that really, I was just excited that he was paying attention to me and with him I felt I was 'worth something'. Then he started drinking again... Turns out he was an alcoholic! Then he moved into my apartment and refused to let me spend time away from him except at work (which he insisted on driving me to and from)... Turns out he was an abusive control freak! It turned into a relationship about rules I had to follow, things I had to do to take care of him... And the more I did for him, the less he did for himself, and the more he blamed me for his own failures. One day I realized that the fancy trips and clothes even weren't about me at all! They were about bragging to everyone else about how great he was, so nobody would believe me if I told them how he treated me when nobody else was looking.

I left my own apartment in the middle of the night after waking up to him yelling in my face about how horrible a girlfriend I was because I didn't swear at my parents and disown them for not buying him a Christmas present (but he didn't get THEM anything, either), drove to work, enlisted some help from a therapist at his company to force him into rehab for the alcohol to keep his job, and changed the locks.

 

I've been through other unhealthy relationships since then, so finally I sat down and wrote a list of all my non-negotiables in a relationship, the things that someone I am dating absolutely has to have/do/be. My goal was three... I wasn't able to manage less than five. But wouldn't you know? I managed to find a perfect guy for me, and he's all five things in my list, because I set my standards on the front end and I stuck with them.

 

My suggestion is to sit down, and figure out what you REALLY need in a relationship with someone, and then figure out whether or not it's there in ALL of your relationships. Write your list and try to pair it down as much as you can to three things - but stop when you can't drop or combine things anymore. I was going to put my list down here, but I really don't want to influence yours. Still, if you want it, let me know - I'm very happy to share. <3

 

 

 

My little rant here...

I am now engaged to the Man of my Dreams (Yay!) but I am worrying about wedding planning stuff because some of it feels like a political landmine. I'm just remembering how alienated I felt at my sister's wedding last year, and I want something more... meaningful? than a party full of my Mom's friends. But my mother is a PAIN to deal with when she doesn't get her own way. (But she could care less that I'm getting married, it's all about appearances, and nothing about emotion - probably a large part of my prior trouble with men, to be honest.)

[lady_caetlyn]

 

 

 

My little rant here...

I am now engaged to the Man of my Dreams (Yay!) but I am worrying about wedding planning stuff because some of it feels like a political landmine. I'm just remembering how alienated I felt at my sister's wedding last year, and I want something more... meaningful? than a party full of my Mom's friends. But my mother is a PAIN to deal with when she doesn't get her own way. (But she could care less that I'm getting married, it's all about appearances, and nothing about emotion - probably a large part of my prior trouble with men, to be honest.)

It is your wedding, it should be what YOU want it to be, not what anyone else wants it to be.

 

I get where you are coming from, though...there was a lot of negotiation in my wedding too...(and believe me if I could go back and redo it, it would be different). My sister's wedding....well that turned out to be all about the groom...I think I coined the term GROOMZILLA.

 

Ultimately, especially if you are footing the majority of the bill, do what you and your man want to do that will be meaningful to you. It really is YOUR day, not anyone else's.

 

Many congrats to you!

[Syiren]

Oh my gosh, I'm beside myself with this problem.

 

We have lived in our house for almost fifteen years. We have had no problems what so ever with any neighbors. And then last year we get this new neighbor that moves in next door. It started out fine. She was polite, we were polite, we each minded our own business and were friendly and civil and just normal neighbors.

 

Well some things started seeming off about her. She asked Mom once to burn some of her mail and papers that had info on it since we have a firepit in our backyard and she didn't want it falling into the wrong hands. Okay, that's normal and Mom was willing to do that for her. Fifteen minutes later she was at the back door wanting them back again because she would rather cut them up herself. Okay,...a little odd, but understandable.

 

Fast forward a few months. During that time she and her boyfriend split, she went to stay at her dad's house for a while, she lost her job and a few other things that are a bit odd happens. Mom knows more than I do, because from the start my instincts told me to stay clear. Boy was it right. The cops started showing up at her house every other week because she would call them for various reasons. One of the times she called them because she thought someone was going through her garbage. The cable man also at her house a lot. Our other neighbor said she saw them there every day this week alone.

 

Well, today she called the cops on Mom because she said she was making too much noise. the noise in question? she closes the garbage can too loudly. We also have cans and other metals that we have against the side of our house which Dad will take to recycle every other month when enough get collected. She says they're ugly and need to go. Right now we only have about 4 bags of cans and a few metal pipes that were left over from when Dad was putting up the fence in our backyard. She also complained and said that Mom picked up our cat and threw it into her yard.

 

...okay, what? first of all, all of our cats are indoor only. Second, there are stray cats that hang around, thirdly, they don't let you pet them let alone pick them up and forthly, my mom loves cats, she'd never just pick one up and throw it.

 

Mom said that if she calls the cops on her again she'll file a report for harassment.

 

What I'm worried about is how far will she go before she snaps? It also makes me wonder what she could be capable of.

Edited January 16, 2015 by Syiren

[Omega Entity]

Sounds like a serious case of paranoid schizophrenia. If I were your mom, I'd file a restraining order along with the harassment report. Not that it'd do anything if she snaps, but it'd at least establish you as the party being wronged in the situation.

 

Something tells me,though, that the police likely have a long history of this woman calling them for no good reason whatsoever. A friend of mine has the same problem with one of her neighbors that decided to have a grudge against her for one reason or another, and calls the cops on her on a semi-regular basis. It's literally gotten to the point that the police department will call my friend after her neighbor tries to call them out, and ask her what's going on - which is always something ridiculous and far-fetched. They don't even bother coming out, because they know it's the same thing every time.

 

As for what you can actively do, as far as this woman is concerned? The restraining order is about the best you can do. A restraining order also restricts her having any communication with you as well. If she violates that, then the police can step in. Otherwise, unless and until she actively does something (assault, destruction of property, etc.), the police can't do anything.

 

What this woman needs is a psych eval.

[Syiren]

Sounds like a serious case of paranoid schizophrenia. If I were your mom, I'd file a restraining order along with the harassment report. Not that it'd do anything if she snaps, but it'd at least establish you as the party being wronged in the situation.

 

Something tells me,though, that the police likely have a long history of this woman calling them for no good reason whatsoever. A friend of mine has the same problem with one of her neighbors that decided to have a grudge against her for one reason or another, and calls the cops on her on a semi-regular basis. It's literally gotten to the point that the police department will call my friend after her neighbor tries to call them out, and ask her what's going on - which is always something ridiculous and far-fetched. They don't even bother coming out, because they know it's the same thing every time.

 

As for what you can actively do, as far as this woman is concerned? The restraining order is about the best you can do. A restraining order also restricts her having any communication with you as well. If she violates that, then the police can step in. Otherwise, unless and until she actively does something (assault, destruction of property, etc.), the police can't do anything.

 

What this woman needs is a psych eval.

I think that is a very good idea. Though, it won't be easy to reinforce since our houses are only ten feet apart. but she definitely has issues that's for sure. I am not positive, but I think I recall hearing something about how she went to stay at a place before for stress and evaluation.

 

 

What she needs is some serious medication to help her deal with whatever problems/issues she has. Heh, how'd you know? the cop that showed up (nice, polite and very understanding) he said that he had been there three times in the past for some reason or other and he totally believed mom's story over our neighbor's.

 

There's also an apartment complex on the other side of her fence and as they were talking to the cop they could hear kids playing in the backyard. Mom asked her if maybe that was the noise she was hearing and the neighbor said, "Well they need to stop."

 

I thought kids were suppose to have fun and play outside? They weren't being that loud, just the normal sounds you would hear of kids playing. I saw the cop roll his eyes at her.

 

I just don't want to feel like I have to watch my back whenever I'm outside or wonder if she's watching me. I hate that feeling.

[Omega Entity]

Try not to let her issues give -you- issues :-) Yes, you want to be aware of your surroundings, but as far as I know most like her are pretty harmless.

[Syiren]

Try not to let her issues give -you- issues :-) Yes, you want to be aware of your surroundings, but as far as I know most like her are pretty harmless.

Well, that definitely makes me feel better in that regard. I told my Mom what you had said and she agrees that it's a good idea and wanted to give her thanks. I'll just add it along with mine. ^^

Edited January 17, 2015 by Syiren

[Lady_Lunevis]

i'm ****ing shaking oh my god

 

so tonight i was scanning some things and when i was done, i had to pull my printer chord out of my laptop

and in doing so my hand slipped bc its rly tightly jammed in there and hit my mug, which sent hot chocolate flying across the carpet

 

and i tried to clean it because mom and her boyfriend were out by using this foamy spray that i'd seen her using on the carpet a few times bc i'm completely useless at household things

 

and when she came back she saw the liquid foaming on the carpet and started yelling about how that was the wrong product to use and i tried explaining to her that i didn't know what to use

 

and she stepped onto the carpet and got her sock wet bc the thing is liquid and i just don't know i can't

 

then she just went completely out of control she started screaming about how i couldn't do anything right and that i couldn't admit my wrongdoings, and she yelled at me to clean it up and when i said i was going to but then she got home, she didn't believe me

 

and instead she ****ing marched up and hit me in the face

 

i don't know i just don't know i'm shaking because the damn thing is still in the carpet and i don't know how to get it out and i can't stop crying

[lady_caetlyn]

((((HUGS)))) Your mom was out of line.

[C88]

i'm ****ing shaking oh my god

 

so tonight i was scanning some things and when i was done, i had to pull my printer chord out of my laptop

and in doing so my hand slipped bc its rly tightly jammed in there and hit my mug, which sent hot chocolate flying across the carpet

 

and i tried to clean it because mom and her boyfriend were out by using this foamy spray that i'd seen her using on the carpet a few times bc i'm completely useless at household things

 

and when she came back she saw the liquid foaming on the carpet and started yelling about how that was the wrong product to use and i tried explaining to her that i didn't know what to use

 

and she stepped onto the carpet and got her sock wet bc the thing is liquid and i just don't know i can't

 

then she just went completely out of control she started screaming about how i couldn't do anything right and that i couldn't admit my wrongdoings, and she yelled at me to clean it up and when i said i was going to but then she got home, she didn't believe me

 

and instead she ing marched up and hit me in the face

 

i don't know i just don't know i'm shaking because the damn thing is still in the carpet and i don't know how to get it out and i can't stop crying

Good lord! She hit you? That is too far. Has she ever hit you before? If she has I'd be calling the police on her. If I was your mother I wouldn't mind too much about a spill, I'd just expect you to clean it up at some point or I'd clean it up, I would never yell or ing hit you, that is going too far. I hope you are okay, nobody deserves to be treated like because of some small spill. You have friends here, and we will support you

 

*HUGS* Stay safe and away from your mother

Edited January 17, 2015 by C88

[Syiren]

i'm ****ing shaking oh my god

 

so tonight i was scanning some things and when i was done, i had to pull my printer chord out of my laptop

and in doing so my hand slipped bc its rly tightly jammed in there and hit my mug, which sent hot chocolate flying across the carpet

 

and i tried to clean it because mom and her boyfriend were out by using this foamy spray that i'd seen her using on the carpet a few times bc i'm completely useless at household things

 

and when she came back she saw the liquid foaming on the carpet and started yelling about how that was the wrong product to use and i tried explaining to her that i didn't know what to use

 

and she stepped onto the carpet and got her sock wet bc the thing is liquid and i just don't know i can't

 

then she just went completely out of control she started screaming about how i couldn't do anything right and that i couldn't admit my wrongdoings, and she yelled at me to clean it up and when i said i was going to but then she got home, she didn't believe me

 

and instead she ****ing marched up and hit me in the face

 

i don't know i just don't know i'm shaking because the damn thing is still in the carpet and i don't know how to get it out and i can't stop crying

You can't admit you're wrongdoings? What were you trying to do when she lashed out? You were trying to explain what happened and admitted that you didn't know which product to use. That sounds like admitting you made a mistake to me and a pretty harmless one at that.

 

Nothing gives your mother the right to strike you the way she did. I was brought up in a household where 'if' I did something bad enough (which was few and far in between) that my father would resort to spanking, but I was never slapped or beaten.

 

I suggest avoiding your mother until she manages to calm that raging temper. *sends hugs and a basket of fluffy kittens*

 

Heh, My mom came in asking if I was alright because she saw me shaking my head at this. When I explained it to her, her exact words were "It's just a ****ing carpet."

 

*More hugs* as C88 said, you have friends here and we'll do what we can to offer advice and support. Stay strong.

[Shienvien]

@Lady Lunevis: I recall you talking about your mother here before, and as far as I was concerned, she was over the line before this event. Her behaviour is not your fault; she has real issues of her own. Also, do not be afraid to contact the authorities immediately if she does something like that.

[Fuzzbucket]

@Lady Lunevis: I recall you talking about your mother here before, and as far as I was concerned, she was over the line before this event. Her behaviour is not your fault; she has real issues of her own. Also, do not be afraid to contact the authorities immediately if she does something like that.

SURELY if you tell your father he will do something after she actually HIT you. I know he doesn't want to argue - but this is too much. Well it has been too much for a long time now. Failing that - now you CAN call Children's Aid. Report the assault - it IS assault - and tell them all the rest and say you want to live with your dad.

 

You know she is NPD - that knowledge is no help to you now that she has actually turned violent. Did you tell ALL this to your therapist last time ? Did you manage to record her in action ?

[Evangeline]

Lady_Lunevis: Is there any way of reaching out to those around you for help? I know it's a huge step, but maybe you can find aid if you desire it. -sends hugs, tons of chocolate, and puppies-

 

On a slightly lesser note...

 

Euuch. I am physically a girl. But ever since I was little, I have always, always wanted to be a boy. I dressed like one under the pretense of being a tomgirl. My family and most of my friends are devout Christians. Like, Leelah Alcorn devout. I know they love me...or at least my mother does--My father is mentally abusive, but that's another can of worms--but they would never accept me if I told them. It took me awhile to realize things and sort things out due to being super sheltered.

 

I love girls...dear gods, they are beautiful. Boys are amazing too, and I don't mind them, but I really, really want to be with a girl. I am in love with two women actually. One is a Christian, and though she dated me for three months, she broke things off and pretends like stuff never happened. It's so hard just being her friend. She is beautiful and she loathes herself, but I love her more than anything.

 

I know I can never pursue what I really want, and it just hurts so badly. Even after a year of my exgirlfriend and I being "just friends," I still have feelings for her. I play it cool and I follow her wishes, but every time she smiles...or cries...

 

My heart just breaks. It's so hard. I just want to be with the people I love.

 

And I ended up breaking up things with my boyfriend. I saw that coming tbh. He was immature and a bit of a *(as in, he tried to cheat WITH me while he was dating his exgirlfriend AND exboyfriend). I find myself... kinda emotionless either way about him. Just... bleh. Someone just hug come and let's have a snuggle harem please.

Edited January 17, 2015 by evangeline5432

[Omega Entity]

Lady_Lunevis - Tell a teacher, the school counselor, the principal, any adult at school who will listen. The are required, -by law-, to report -any- appearance or claim of abuse by way of being a mandated reporter.

 

EDIT: I don't know what state you live in, but here's a sample of what a mandated reporter is required to report in the state of Wisconsin:

 

6. When is a person required to report?

Wisconsin law requires any person (listed in Question #5)

 

-who has reasonable cause to suspect that a child, seen by the person in the course of

professional duties, has been abused or neglected, or

 

-who has reason to believe that a child, seen by the person in the course of

professional duties, has been threatened with abuse or neglect and that abuse or

neglect of the child will occur,

 

to immediately notify the local child protective services (CPS) agency or local law

enforcement agency in person or by telephone, Wis. Stat. sec. 48.981(3)(a).

 

By qualifying that reports must be made “immediately,” the implication is there should be no

delay for any reason. For instance, an educator should not wait until she/he has a “free

period” later in the day to make a report. Local school district policy should support the need

for immediate reports by ensuring that arrangements are made for supervision of a teacher’s

classroom or other necessary educator responsibilities.

 

Please note that reports are required only when the child is seen in the course of professional

duties. That is, the individual must have first-hand contact with the child as part of his/her

work. A child seen in the course of professional duties is not limited to the classroom. For

instance, if an educator is required to attend school sporting events as a monitor, a child seen

in that venue would constitute a child seen in the course of professional duties.

Edited January 17, 2015 by Omega Entity

[Fuzzbucket]

I THINK she's in Canada. Which is why I suggested Children's Aid. But there is background here... Her mother has major problems, and her father (living elsewhere) has difficulty accepting that anything needs to be done.

[lady_caetlyn]

There should be something in place for Lady_Lunevis to report that. Absolutely uncalled for. I know, at least in California, teachers/school personnel are mandatory reporters and if a child reports something to a teacher, they are required to report it.

 

Lady_Lunevis, take a deep breath and try to avoid your mother as much as possible (which may not be easy)...but definitely tell someone...NO ONE should have to go through that. ((((((HUGS))))).

 

*SNUGGLES* evangeline. Be who you want to be, love who you want to love. Those who love and care about you will accept who you are...and to H*** with those who don't accept you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[AnanoKimi]

i'm ****ing shaking oh my god

 

so tonight i was scanning some things and when i was done, i had to pull my printer chord out of my laptop

and in doing so my hand slipped bc its rly tightly jammed in there and hit my mug, which sent hot chocolate flying across the carpet

 

and i tried to clean it because mom and her boyfriend were out by using this foamy spray that i'd seen her using on the carpet a few times bc i'm completely useless at household things

 

and when she came back she saw the liquid foaming on the carpet and started yelling about how that was the wrong product to use and i tried explaining to her that i didn't know what to use

 

and she stepped onto the carpet and got her sock wet bc the thing is liquid and i just don't know i can't

 

then she just went completely out of control she started screaming about how i couldn't do anything right and that i couldn't admit my wrongdoings, and she yelled at me to clean it up and when i said i was going to but then she got home, she didn't believe me

 

and instead she ****ing marched up and hit me in the face

 

i don't know i just don't know i'm shaking because the damn thing is still in the carpet and i don't know how to get it out and i can't stop crying

The smack was out of line, yes, and if it constantly like this then yes reports should be made. Reporting for any abuse... is a gray area. What your mom did was completely out of line. She had no right to hit you even if the situation made her angry. She should have taken a step back and let you explain rather than let her anger make her jump to conclusions and hit you. If it is always like this where she yells at you for the smallest thing that could have been easily resolved calmly then I would reach out to a counselor at school first, explain the situation. An adult like that can help make the call on whether this sort of conduct should be reported.

 

The reason I mention talking to a counselor first is because she might be one of those parents that believe in the good ol belt to the behind disciplinary method. I grew up that way where if I messed up bad enough I'd get it. Given that yes, sometimes it was out of line because I'm a clutzy idiot with short term memory and a one track mind when it comes to tasks so smacking me repeatedly for forgetting to put something away time and time again made no difference. Getting smacked for being an idiot, running around, and breaking something after having been told repeatedly to stop is more deserving of a good whooping.

 

Talk with someone you feel might have more knowledge in terms of whether her conduct should warrant some sort of police investigation. Everyone an yell "REPORT HER" but if you have no relatives or parent near by or willing to take you in, you could end up in a foster home which is not the most ideal place to finish growing up. So take very cautious steps. I don't want you to ruin your life and that of your mother's for something that could be happening every blue moon when she is stressed. Talk to someone you trust that is an adult and knows of the area's laws and has some background in psychology.

 

On a slightly lesser note...

 

Euuch. I am physically a girl. But ever since I was little, I have always, always wanted to be a boy. I dressed like one under the pretense of being a tomgirl. My family and most of my friends are devout Christians. Like, Leelah Alcorn devout. I know they love me...or at least my mother does--My father is mentally abusive, but that's another can of worms--but they would never accept me if I told them. It took me awhile to realize things and sort things out due to being super sheltered.

 

I love girls...dear gods, they are beautiful. Boys are amazing too, and I don't mind them, but I really, really want to be with a girl. I am in love with two women actually. One is a Christian, and though she dated me for three months, she broke things off and pretends like stuff never happened. It's so hard just being her friend. She is beautiful and she loathes herself, but I love her more than anything.

 

I know I can never pursue what I really want, and it just hurts so badly. Even after a year of my exgirlfriend and I being "just friends," I still have feelings for her. I play it cool and I follow her wishes, but every time she smiles...or cries...

 

My heart just breaks. It's so hard. I just want to be with the people I love.

 

And I ended up breaking up things with my boyfriend. I saw that coming tbh. He was immature and a bit of a censorkip.gif*(as in, he tried to cheat WITH me while he was dating his exgirlfriend AND exboyfriend). I find myself... kinda emotionless either way about him. Just... bleh. Someone just hug come and let's have a snuggle harem please.

 

This is why religion in it of itself just bothers the absolute hell out of me. I hate how most people use their beliefs as an excuse to be hateful bigots and how because of their fait they have the right to demean, insult, and destroy other human beings. I swear whatever God they worship is facepalming right now. Now given not all religious people are horrible and I understand that. My boyfriend is a devout christian and he has one of the best moral compases I have ever seen in anyone that follows a religion.

 

evangeline, I know its hard. Its not easy trying to be who you really feel you are when the world around you has chained you up in a body and won't let you be anything less or anything more. Do your best to be you. It wont be easy to keep this hush hush but once you are 18 and able to make some decisions for yourself, then you can rip off those chains and become the you that you were meant to be. Try to plan your life so that the day you decide to reveal whom you've always wanted to be, you have a place of your own to crash in and that way no need to rely on others. Have a strong friends support group to help you because it will not be easy.

 

Regardless of it all, we are here for you. We support and love you for who you are and we will always be here to back you up. Its things like this that make me wish I could teleport to different people, hug them, and kick their haters in the jaw so they can live happy lives.

Edited January 17, 2015 by AnanoKimi

[Shienvien]

@AnanoKimi: From what Lady Lunevis has told us in the thread earlier, then although her mother isn't normally physically abusive, she has a rather long history of mental abusiveness. Lady Lunevis also has a father, who is divorced from her mother, and with whom she is on good terms.

[AnanoKimi]

I would still take it step by step but I would suggest she talk to her father to pick her up in the mean time. Shes gonna open a pandoras box if she decides to take matters into her own hands so being away from her mom is the best option.

[Lady_Lunevis]

ahh oh my gosh i'm stunned at the level of support coming from all of you, thank you guys so much. this means a lot that you're willing to write some words and help me--thank you omg i can't even express in words

 

((((HUGS)))) Your mom was out of line.

 

//hugs back//

 

Good lord! She hit you? That is too far. Has she ever hit you before? If she has I'd be calling the police on her. If I was your mother I wouldn't mind too much about a spill, I'd just expect you to clean it up at some point or I'd clean it up, I would never yell or  censorkip.gif ing hit you, that is going too far. I hope you are okay, nobody deserves to be treated like because of some small spill. You have friends here, and we will support you tongue.gif

 

*HUGS* Stay safe and away from your mother

 

she hasn't been physically abusive to me before; apart from one incident involving a book, this is the only time she's actually done anything like this.

ahh you sound like you would be a wonderful mother! c:

thank you so much <33 yeah, i got some sleep and now i feel a little bit better. i've been staying away from mom all day so that's helped, too. ; v ;

 

You can't admit you're wrongdoings? What were you trying to do when she lashed out? You were trying to explain what happened and admitted that you didn't know which product to use. That sounds like admitting you made a mistake to me and a pretty harmless one at that.

 

Nothing gives your mother the right to strike you the way she did. I was brought up in a household where 'if' I did something bad enough (which was few and far in between) that my father would resort to spanking, but I was never slapped or beaten.

 

I suggest avoiding your mother until she manages to calm that raging temper. *sends hugs and a basket of fluffy kittens*

 

Heh, My mom came in asking if I was alright because she saw me shaking my head at this. When I explained it to her, her exact words were "It's just a ****ing carpet."

 

*More hugs* as C88 said, you have friends here and we'll do what we can to offer advice and support. Stay strong.

 

yeah. i'm still kinda angry at the fact she just lashed out at me for some stupid carpet cleaner thing.

 

ahhh thank you so much!! <333 that's what i did today and it was much better c: she's been hanging out around the house so i just locked myself in my room.

ohh kittens!! //hugs back//

 

oh my gosh aha omg

i agree with your mom; it was just carpet, goodness!

 

//hugs back again// thank you all so much <333 your support and reply really helped. c:

 

@Lady Lunevis: I recall you talking about your mother here before, and as far as I was concerned, she was over the line before this event. Her behaviour is not your fault; she has real issues of her own. Also, do not be afraid to contact the authorities immediately if she does something like that.

 

aa yeah i've ranted a lot about my mother . . . she's just so frustrating and exhausting to be around. ;;

she really does, and part of me wishes she would seek the help she needs for things like that, but she thinks she's too 'perfect' for mental illness to be a thing with her.

aaa about the authorities . . . i'll go more in dept at a later reply bc i see some rly helpful tips down there, but honestly i feel like they can't help with this situation. if it was my word against hers, she would win for sure.

still, thank you so much for your reply!! <33

 

SURELY if you tell your father he will do something after she actually HIT you. I know he doesn't want to argue - but this is too much. Well it has been too much for a long time now. Failing that - now you CAN call Children's Aid. Report the assault - it IS assault - and tell them all the rest and say you want to live with your dad.

 

You know she is NPD - that knowledge is no help to you now that she has actually turned violent. Did you tell ALL this to your therapist last time ? Did you manage to record her in action ?

 

dad's in china for a few more months, so i have limited access to be able to talk to him, but i definitely will phone him and discuss things once he returns. this is just . . . god.

aaa the thing is--that does sound really good and i would love to do such a thing, but once again i'm doubtful that children's aid would listen to me. as i've said before; mom can be perfectly charming and very nice when she wants to, and she has her boyfriend to vouch for her being a good citizen. even dad would take her word above mine--he's told me multiple times that i'm good with mom and that she loves me very much. i hate it say it, but if this is how mom loves someone then her love is unhealthy.

 

i haven't been able to record her because she's been perfectly lovely to me for these past few weeks; her moods are strange and honestly unpredictable. i wish i'd been able to get that outburst last night, but both of us were screaming and i didn't get a chance. ;;

i don't actually have my therapist's number; mom has it somewhere and she refuses to give it to me, and dad has it also but i have no way of reaching him currently. i'll be sure to talk to her when i can reach my dad.

 

Lady_Lunevis: Is there any way of reaching out to those around you for help? I know it's a huge step, but maybe you can find aid if you desire it. -sends hugs, tons of chocolate, and puppies-

 

//hugs back// thank you so much!! <33

i honestly don't know :c i don't have any physical proof and i believe they would take my mom's words over mine; plus, half of me doesn't want to leave because my dog is such a huge part of my life; i know it's silly and small sacrifices should be made, but she's such a help to my emotional sanity that i don't know how i'd get through each day without her. really, even mom's boyfriend is okay to me--it's just her herself that's a giant problem. :|

 

Lady_Lunevis - Tell a teacher, the school counselor, the principal, any adult at school who will listen. The are required, -by law-, to report -any- appearance or claim of abuse by way of being a mandated reporter.

 

I THINK she's in Canada. Which is why I suggested Children's Aid. But there is background here... Her mother has major problems, and her father (living elsewhere) has difficulty accepting that anything needs to be done.

 

yes, i do live in canada!

i don't know . . . you're correct, i should tell someone about this, but when it comes down to the bare minimum i have no evidence, and on the outside--and sometimes inside--mom does appear to be a very nice lady. even i have to admit that in the past week or so we had a lot of fun doing things like cooking, which only makes it all the more confusing that she can be so . . . nice, and then not.

i guess, in a way, i'm just afraid of trying, failing, and getting her even more angry at me.

 

There should be something in place for Lady_Lunevis to report that. Absolutely uncalled for. I know, at least in California, teachers/school personnel are mandatory reporters and if a child reports something to a teacher, they are required to report it.

 

Lady_Lunevis, take a deep breath and try to avoid your mother as much as possible (which may not be easy)...but definitely tell someone...NO ONE should have to go through that. ((((((HUGS))))).

 

//hugs// thank you so much, again!!! i've talked about the reporting issue above . . . i just don't know how it'd play out.

 

thank you aa!! i did eventually calm down yesterday after breathing in and breathing out, and i've avoided mom all day. thank you so much for your words!!

 

The smack was out of line, yes, and if it constantly like this then yes reports should be made. Reporting for any abuse... is a gray area. What your mom did was completely out of line. She had no right to hit you even if the situation made her angry. She should have taken a step back and let you explain rather than let her anger make her jump to conclusions and hit you. If it is always like this where she yells at you for the smallest thing that could have been easily resolved calmly then I would reach out to a counselor at school first, explain the situation. An adult like that can help make the call on whether this sort of conduct should be reported.

 

The reason I mention talking to a counselor first is because she might be one of those parents that believe in the good ol belt to the behind disciplinary method. I grew up that way where if I messed up bad enough I'd get it. Given that yes, sometimes it was out of line because I'm a clutzy idiot with short term memory and a one track mind when it comes to tasks so smacking me repeatedly for forgetting to put something away time and time again made no difference. Getting smacked for being an idiot, running around, and breaking something after having been told repeatedly to stop is more deserving of a good whooping.

 

Talk with someone you feel might have more knowledge in terms of whether her conduct should warrant some sort of police investigation. Everyone an yell "REPORT HER" but if you have no relatives or parent near by or willing to take you in, you could end up in a foster home which is not the most ideal place to finish growing up. So take very cautious steps. I don't want you to ruin your life and that of your mother's for something that could be happening every blue moon when she is stressed. Talk to someone you trust that is an adult and knows of the area's laws and has some background in psychology.

 

i agree that reporting is grey; which is why i'm wary on course of action. my mom has never really hit me before, so this was a surprise and not something that happens often.

i see about the school counselor--thank you, that's a really good idea! as for the whole foster home / relatives thing, the only other option i have is at dad's house, which might be a bit hard as he's often away on business and religious--me, not believing in anything, might make it a bit frustrating to live there permanently. still, i'm willing to give it a shot.

i will admit, the idea of foster care scares me a little.

once i get the chance, i'll talk with someone and see what i should do. it really is a once in a blue moon kinda thing--but still really worrisome--but . . . i'll see it.

 

@AnanoKimi: From what Lady Lunevis has told us in the thread earlier, then although her mother isn't normally physically abusive, she has a rather long history of mental abusiveness. Lady Lunevis also has a father, who is divorced from her mother, and with whom she is on good terms.

 

yes, you're correct! c: i'm going to talk to dad about things once he returns.

 

I would still take it step by step but I would suggest she talk to her father to pick her up in the mean time. Shes gonna open a pandoras box if she decides to take matters into her own hands so being away from her mom is the best option.

 

yeah, i agree. right now, it's just not healthy for me to be in the same house as her. i really hope dad will return soon and i can go there for a week or two during break or something.

 

[AnanoKimi]

If beliefs cause friction, I could suggest you stay with him for a bit while you decide what action to take on your part. I am glad the idea of a councilor sits well with you as many seem to be put off by talking to other adults. Having an outside source like a councilor to talk to may make certain decision making easier. Again, stay with your dad as a trial period. Even if he is off on business I doubt you are an irresponsible teen who could not care for themselves. You seem very mature and I'm sure that with some care and some forethought you cn handle some time alone :3 I hope she has calmed down and if interaction with your mom is necessary then take it slow like if walking on thin ice. Something had to have happened for her to lash out this way so hopefully things can settle down.