Emotional Support

[Syiren]

yeah. i'm still kinda angry at the fact she just lashed out at me for some stupid carpet cleaner thing.

 

ahhh thank you so much!! <333 that's what i did today and it was much better c: she's been hanging out around the house so i just locked myself in my room.

ohh kittens!! //hugs back//

 

oh my gosh aha omg

i agree with your mom; it was just carpet, goodness!

 

//hugs back again// thank you all so much <333 your support and reply really helped. c:

I'm glad to hear today was better and the distance seemed to help. I found this video this morning and chose to add it as my theme for today and I thought maybe it may help you, at least for a little while. Music always helps me when I need something to brighten my day.

 

[LupaWulf]

Lady_Lunevis,

Since its now a matter of waiting for your dad to return, for now go back (read your posts here if you have to) and make a timeline of instances your mom did things to you. Mentally, now physically, EVERYTHING.

 

Write down every little thing, along with dates and times. This can be presented to truly show anyone who might be in charge changing custody that your mother is NOT treating you as a mother should. Everyone gets mad, crap happens, but you have been through mental and physical abuse now.

For the love of anything, DO NOT LET YOUR MOTHER SEE THIS!! Keep it in a small notebook on yourself at all times. Never ever leave it out just in case.

 

If it gets really bad and you cant take it before your dad gets home, go to Children's Aid or a teacher you trust like someone suggested. Did you get s bruise from the slap? Get s photo. That is extra proof. Can you start recording her screaming sessions at you subtily you with your phone or something?

 

 

 

Just remember, no one deserves to be treated that way. You are a wonderful person. You are not what she says.

[Lady_Lunevis]

If beliefs cause friction, I could suggest you stay with him for a bit while you decide what action to take on your part. I am glad the idea of a councilor sits well with you as many seem to be put off by talking to other adults. Having an outside source like a councilor to talk to may make certain decision making easier. Again, stay with your dad as a trial period. Even if he is off on business I doubt you are an irresponsible teen who could not care for themselves. You seem very mature and I'm sure that with some care and some forethought you cn handle some time alone :3 I hope she has calmed down and if interaction with your mom is necessary then take it slow like if walking on thin ice. Something had to have happened for her to lash out this way so hopefully things can settle down.

 

yeah, that sounds like the better way to do things. <33

aa yeah :c honestly, even just speaking to a counselor has me really nervous. my mom is naturally very charming and a sweet woman when she's not in one of her moods, so . . . i just don't think anyone would believe me. heck, sometimes i don't even believe myself bc she can be really nice for like, a week.

aaa thank you!! yeah, staying with my dad doesn't sound too bad. i'm planning to go there maybe after finals are done (two days, then the rest of the week off!) and he's back from his trip, so at least i'll get some fresh air and a few days away from mom.

things did settle down; today, she was perfect sweet and even went shopping and bought me candy ?? so i was just like ok well go for it

yeah, she changes moods fast. really fast.

 

I'm glad to hear today was better and the distance seemed to help. I found this video this morning and chose to add it as my theme for today and I thought maybe it may help you, at least for a little while. Music always helps me when I need something to brighten my day.

 

Keep Your Eyes Open smile.gif

 

aa yeah it realy did!! <33 today was better, which is good. i'll still be wary around mom, but i'm just glad to hear that things are okay now. <33

 

ohh thank you so much!! <33 i agree; music is a huge help to my mood, i love music! and aaa amvs are always so great thank you <33

 

Lady_Lunevis,

Since its now a matter of waiting for your dad to return, for now go back (read your posts here if you have to) and make a timeline of instances your mom did things to you. Mentally, now physically, EVERYTHING.

 

Write down every little thing, along with dates and times. This can be presented to truly show anyone who might be in charge changing custody that your mother is NOT treating you as a mother should. Everyone gets mad, crap happens, but you have been through mental and physical abuse now.

For the love of anything, DO NOT LET YOUR MOTHER SEE THIS!! Keep it in a small notebook on yourself at all times. Never ever leave it out just in case.

 

If it gets really bad and you cant take it before your dad gets home, go to Children's Aid or a teacher you trust like someone suggested. Did you get s bruise from the slap? Get s photo. That is extra proof. Can you start recording her screaming sessions at you subtily you with your phone or something?

 

 

 

Just remember, no one deserves to be treated that way. You are a wonderful person. You are not what she says.

 

thank you so much for this. i'll do the thing! yeah, i guess somewhere in the past half a year or so i realised that my mom wasn't really getting mad as much as she was being abusive as heck. the worst part is she doesn't even realise she is.

aa thank you!! <33 i'm planning on writing it down in a word doc since my laptop is password locked and mom is technology illiterate :'D

 

no, i didn't. she didn't hit me with her hand; she used the thingy you find on the inside of a roll of paper towels, the kinda rolled up cardboard i don't know what it's called oops thing

i guess i'm thankful it was kinda soft ???

i'll try that, thank you! i don't think she'll rage for another few months since she does calm down for a bit, but the next time she does i'll try to get something to prove that it's better for me not to be in this house.

thank you for everything!! <33

 

[ChocolateIzzy]

I'm in a bit of a pickle guys...

My friend has been extremely depressed lately and she has asked me for advice/support. I can't really give any because this area is touchy for me and I can't think of anything to provide for her except hugs and "It'll all be over, you'll outgrow it" which is terrible. Help please? I love her too much to lose her. She's a great friend.

[amillionelephants]

So lately things have been really crazy.

 

My mom broke her ankle (fractured in three places) in November. She can't really move around that easily so my dad and I have to do more around the house. She's okay for the most part. Just a bit frustrated.

 

About two weeks ago my little sister was admitted to the hospital for depression. She was there for a week, came back on a Monday. She seemed a lot better after that week. She was smiling and everything. But on the next day she tied herself a noose and we had to take her back in. Now she's there. It's good because I know they're helping her in the hospital. I can see that she's doing better when I visit. I'm just really afraid that she'll have to stay in some sort of psych ward to stay safe. Or worse. I just really don't want to loose her. She's one of my favorite people.

 

I want to tell her that it'll all get better that she has so much to live for. But I've been in dark places before and I know that's not how you get out. I know that she needs to figure a lot out for herself.

 

*sigh* I really want her to be okay.

[ChocolateIzzy]

About two weeks ago my little sister was admitted to the hospital for depression. She was there for a week, came back on a Monday. She seemed a lot better after that week. She was smiling and everything. But on the next day she tied herself a noose and we had to take her back in. Now she's there. It's good because I know they're helping her in the hospital. I can see that she's doing better when I visit. I'm just really afraid that she'll have to stay in some sort of psych ward to stay safe. Or worse. I just really don't want to loose her. She's one of my favorite people.

 

I want to tell her that it'll all get better that she has so much to live for. But I've been in dark places before and I know that's not how you get out. I know that she needs to figure a lot out for herself.

 

*sigh* I really want her to be okay.

My brother was in the same place and he got through it by being surround by loving friends, family and stuff he really enjoyed doing. Try that for her? Bring her friends in to see her and support her in hospital?

[Fuzzbucket]

About two weeks ago my little sister was admitted to the hospital for depression. She was there for a week, came back on a Monday. She seemed a lot better after that week. She was smiling and everything. But on the next day she tied herself a noose and we had to take her back in. Now she's there. It's good because I know they're helping her in the hospital. I can see that she's doing better when I visit. I'm just really afraid that she'll have to stay in some sort of psych ward to stay safe. Or worse. I just really don't want to loose her. She's one of my favorite people.

 

I want to tell her that it'll all get better that she has so much to live for. But I've been in dark places before and I know that's not how you get out. I know that she needs to figure a lot out for herself.

 

*sigh* I really want her to be okay.

There is nothing wrong with being in a psych ward. It is the best place to get help for this stuff. I know. I've been in one. That is where they can help her figure it all out without having to worry about all the other stuff like school and keeping her room tidy.

 

In a psych ward is the best place to hope she will indeed be OK.

 

But one word of wisdom from one who has been there. Be there for her, visit, bring her friends in to visit, talk to her - but DON'T tell her she will be OK. She KNOWS she won't, and she will feel patronised and that she can't trust you to tell her the truth. That's the way of this stuff. Tell her how much you love her instead.

 

But she will be OK with the right care and treatment. So YOU remember that for yourself, OK ?

Edited January 19, 2015 by fuzzbucket

[Thuban]

I'm in a bit of a pickle guys...

My friend has been extremely depressed lately and she has asked me for advice/support. I can't really give any because this area is touchy for me and I can't think of anything to provide for her except hugs and "It'll all be over, you'll outgrow it" which is terrible. Help please? I love her too much to lose her. She's a great friend.

I am equally at a loss on how to help other people, despite going through those times myself. I know that when I hit that low, that usually talking about everything that comes to mind during that low helps (which also tends to trigger me to flip back into a manic mode).

 

Some questions for you to ask your friend, to help you be better able to help:

 

~Whats going on? Do you want to talk about that?

~How can I help you. What is it you need from me?

~Would you like to go for a walk at the park, and talk about things? (surprisingly, getting most of my friends outside where they can pace and rant, without too many people around, really seems to help. Getting me outside and giving me room to pace and rant, lets me just talk for hours until I narrow down what is specifically setting me off)

~Have you tried talking to a counsler/therapist yet? Can I help you look for one?

~Are you currently medicated for anything specific? Have you been taking your meds?

 

 

It is really important a lot of the time, to try to keep your own personal opinions on things, to yourself, when you are dealing with someone asking for help. While you might be dead set against some of the things being discussed, its important to remove yourself from that, and just let them find their own paths. Sure, said friend might have a horrible dating relationship triggering them, and you might think their partner is an absolute doof.. but if you share that fact, you end up putting your friend on the defensive, which can amplify the matter. Ask them questions about how their trigger issue is affecting them.. ask them what they /need/ to have that situation not be a trigger issue anymore. Keep the entire conversation about them, ask them questions that will help them focus on ways to find solutions that /they/ think will work for them.

 

If you cant help them, you arent a horrible friend. If you realize that they are really bad off, while your friend might hate you for it, its a good idea to get someone close to them to help them (even if it means calling a doc, and dragging them in to get meds). Offer to help them find what they need, but dont let helping them mess you up. You need to be able to have your head on pretty straight, before you can help someone else.

[Fuzzbucket]

I'm in a bit of a pickle guys...

My friend has been extremely depressed lately and she has asked me for advice/support. I can't really give any because this area is touchy for me and I can't think of anything to provide for her except hugs and "It'll all be over, you'll outgrow it" which is terrible. Help please? I love her too much to lose her. She's a great friend.

Hug her; go out places with her, do things you like, tell her you love her - and tell her you aren't a professional and she needs help, and you will go with her to get it.

 

Don't tell her she'll outgrow it. She might not. I've been a depressive all my life And telling her the truth - that she will find a way to learn to live with it - doesn't feel good at the time !

[ChocolateIzzy]

I am equally at a loss on how to help other people, despite going through those times myself. I know that when I hit that low, that usually talking about everything that comes to mind during that low helps (which also tends to trigger me to flip back into a manic mode).

 

Some questions for you to ask your friend, to help you be better able to help:

 

~Whats going on? Do you want to talk about that?

~How can I help you. What is it you need from me?

~Would you like to go for a walk at the park, and talk about things? (surprisingly, getting most of my friends outside where they can pace and rant, without too many people around, really seems to help. Getting me outside and giving me room to pace and rant, lets me just talk for hours until I narrow down what is specifically setting me off)

~Have you tried talking to a counsler/therapist yet? Can I help you look for one?

~Are you currently medicated for anything specific? Have you been taking your meds?

 

 

It is really important a lot of the time, to try to keep your own personal opinions on things, to yourself, when you are dealing with someone asking for help. While you might be dead set against some of the things being discussed, its important to remove yourself from that, and just let them find their own paths. Sure, said friend might have a horrible dating relationship triggering them, and you might think their partner is an absolute doof.. but if you share that fact, you end up putting your friend on the defensive, which can amplify the matter. Ask them questions about how their trigger issue is affecting them.. ask them what they /need/ to have that situation not be a trigger issue anymore. Keep the entire conversation about them, ask them questions that will help them focus on ways to find solutions that /they/ think will work for them.

 

If you cant help them, you arent a horrible friend. If you realize that they are really bad off, while your friend might hate you for it, its a good idea to get someone close to them to help them (even if it means calling a doc, and dragging them in to get meds). Offer to help them find what they need, but dont let helping them mess you up. You need to be able to have your head on pretty straight, before you can help someone else.

Hmm yeah, I've tried those questions and she has told me but none of that seems to work. It's not that I think she's worse off, it's just I was in the same position as her and the only way I got out of it is because my mum found out and became really sad and I got worse that I made her think she was failing her parenting so I stopped and became happier. But I really don't think that can help in this situation?

 

Though watching her destroy herself does make me feel sad, I still try my best to comfort her and be there for her.

 

Hug her; go out places with her, do things you like, tell her you love her - and tell her you aren't a professional and she needs help, and you will go with her to get it.

 

Don't tell her she'll outgrow it. She might not. I've been a depressive all my life And telling her the truth - that she will find a way to learn to live with it - doesn't feel good at the time !

Yeah I do my best to do that, but nothing ever seems to make her happy. Recently her boyfriend hurt her badly and he dumped her and she wasn't good enough and she never wants to talk about it so I don't know what exactly happened. But it has made her worse

Edited January 19, 2015 by ChocolateIzzy

[Thuban]

Perhaps then, since you are both in the same boat, you could research therapists together.

 

I know I cant help people, when I am in a funk myself, and I wont lie about it. "I'm happy to let you rant at me, but I am not mentally able to be your support system at this time. Lets help each other by finding someone we can both talk to."

[ChocolateIzzy]

Well I got over it about 2 years ago now (Yay.)

It just makes me sad but I wouldn't think about touching a blade again. So I did tell her to chuck out all her blades and I noticed a tad improvement? Is that at least progress?

[Thuban]

Well I got over it about 2 years ago now (Yay.)

It just makes me sad but I wouldn't think about touching a blade again. So I did tell her to chuck out all her blades and I noticed a tad improvement? Is that at least progress?

Its not something that most people just "get over" though. Some, like me, are able to bury things, and just not think about them at the risk of them popping up much much farther down the road. Some.. need to go into a hyperfocus, where they ramp themselves into a worse fit, by over focusing on the situation.

 

 

It took me years... years to learn how to deal with my own issues. Until the past few months, I have been dealing with my issues, on my own, in my own way. What works for me, doesnt work for other people... but sometimes.. they do.

 

It does really sound like your friend needs more help than you can give her. Im going to guess that you and your friend are still on the younger side. Does she have decently cool parents you could maybe talk to? An older sibling? Maybe a cool aunt? How about your school.. can you talk to the school counsler, or a teacher you trust that can find a way to get her help? How about church (while i wouldnt talk to someone at a church myself.. if religion is important to her.. maybe theres an option there?)

 

Its not a failure to acknowledge that there are some things that we just /cant/ do for other people. Be supportive where you can, and seek help on those things you cant. Your friend might get a bit pissy about it if you talk to someone else, but as long as you know you are doing it to help her, then its all you can do.

 

Good luck.

[amillionelephants]

My brother was in the same place and he got through it by being surround by loving friends, family and stuff he really enjoyed doing. Try that for her? Bring her friends in to see her and support her in hospital?

But one word of wisdom from one who has been there. Be there for her, visit, bring her friends in to visit, talk to her - but DON'T tell her she will be OK. She KNOWS she won't, and she will feel patronised and that she can't trust you to tell her the truth. That's the way of this stuff. Tell her how much you love her instead.

 

I've been visiting her almost everyday. (Hospital food is surprisingly good). And her hockey team gave her a bunch of cards and her friends keep giving her pictures. I usually joke around with her when I see her. We laugh at our parents and play silly board games.

 

Thanks ChocolateIzzy and fuzzbucket for kind words.

[ChocolateIzzy]

You're welcome!

 

I admit, I haven't fully gotten over my depression, but it used to be a lot worse and it started in the 3rd grade :/

I stopped a lot of the physical side, although the mental lingers. Yeah still in school, we're both in the 12th grade

Anyway,

her family is a bit of a mess right now and teachers aren't all that fun at our school and I just constantly try to keep her happy but it's usually a dead end. Should I get her to take her mind off this stuff and get her into some of my favourite tv shows, music and books? And of course, have a lot of study sessions with her?

[Fuzzbucket]

You're welcome!

 

I admit, I haven't fully gotten over my depression, but it used to be a lot worse and it started in the 3rd grade :/

I stopped a lot of the physical side, although the mental lingers. Yeah still in school, we're both in the 12th grade

Anyway,

her family is a bit of a mess right now and teachers aren't all that fun at our school and I just constantly try to keep her happy but it's usually a dead end. Should I get her to take her mind off this stuff and get her into some of my favourite tv shows, music and books? And of course, have a lot of study sessions with her?

Do offer to go to some professional with her. Or even her doctor. It's scary asking for help - you say she has asked YOU for advice. This should be it. GET HELP - and you will accompany her to where it takes.

 

You sound a good friend - but you are a teenager, and NO TEENAGER CAN DO THIS STUFF. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to be a 12th grade psychiatrist - help her to get her butt over to a professional who knows what they are doing. Go with her. (Not least, to make sure she shows up...)

 

Taking her mind off it is fine and a very good stopgap - but it isn't going to just go away because you have her watching Frozen on Saturday afternoons... REALLY it isn't - however much she enjoys it.

[ChocolateIzzy]

She's difficult with this. She absolutely does not want to go to a counsellor or even the school one. Or even a trained professional. She's too scared and apparently I'm the only person she's ever told. And she's told me time and time again she won't do it.

I told her I did it and I got through it partially... and that it's not that bad and it was easy. She won't have at it :/

[Fuzzbucket]

She's difficult with this. She absolutely does not want to go to a counsellor or even the school one. Or even a trained professional. She's too scared and apparently I'm the only person she's ever told. And she's told me time and time again she won't do it.

I told her I did it and I got through it partially... and that it's not that bad and it was easy. She won't have at it :/

I don't blame her not wanting to go to a school counsellor - they are kind of a part of the problem in that they are IN the place where it all happens.

 

Is there any kind of support group that you could both go to, as a start ? (I don't know where you are or I'd do a bit of googling...) But if she won't - keep saying it every chance you get, and meanwhile just keep being there - and pointing out that that is ALL you can do.

 

There are some VERY good websites she might find helpful. What is it exactly - self-harm as well ? Try going to your own doctor and asking which to suggest (some are dangerous.)

[ChocolateIzzy]

Not that I know of.

We're in Australia

 

Hm, self-harm and her suicide attempts (about 3 times) is all that I know of

Although if she has told the truth, her self-harm habits have subsided during the holidays (hopefully)

Last year, I used to check her arms and everywhere she cut, she was self-conscious about it, but I think showing it to someone who actually cares is a good reliever because you know they won't treat you like a freak

 

 

Different subject:

Is slapping your child wrong? I've been slapped multiple times in the face, hard to the point of tears, but I always assumed it was me being disciplined ?

[SolarCat]

She's difficult with this. She absolutely does not want to go to a counsellor or even the school one. Or even a trained professional. She's too scared and apparently I'm the only person she's ever told. And she's told me time and time again she won't do it.

I told her I did it and I got through it partially... and that it's not that bad and it was easy. She won't have at it :/

You can't force someone to do something, even if it's good for her, so if she won't go, there's no help pushing the issue.

Although if you ever need to go to the school councilor for anything, it may be worthwhile to ask her to accompany you. Just a thought.

 

Different subject:

Is slapping your child wrong? I've been slapped multiple times in the face, hard to the point of tears, but I always assumed it was me being disciplined ?

Hmm... I think it really depends. Some parents believe in physical discipline, while others take it way too far. And the reasons fall into play here, too, because slapping a child for politely asking for a cookie is way different than slapping a child for eating the whole box of cookies and knowing it was wrong. I think age is also a factor, as well, since slapping a two-year-old is different than slapping a teenager. And spanking is different than face-slapping, too.

 

That said, I personally don't feel it's ever appropriate to slap a child to the point of tears on their face at any age for any reason...

[ChocolateIzzy]

You can't force someone to do something, even if it's good for her, so if she won't go, there's no help pushing the issue.

Although if you ever need to go to the school councilor for anything, it may be worthwhile to ask her to accompany you. Just a thought.

 

 

Hmm... I think it really depends. Some parents believe in physical discipline, while others take it way too far. And the reasons fall into play here, too, because slapping a child for politely asking for a cookie is way different than slapping a child for eating the whole box of cookies and knowing it was wrong. I think age is also a factor, as well, since slapping a two-year-old is different than slapping a teenager. And spanking is different than face-slapping, too.

 

That said, I personally don't feel it's ever appropriate to slap a child to the point of tears on their face at any age for any reason...

Well I haven't been there in 3 years so...

I haven't pressured her into it, I just have told her repetitively.

 

As for discipline, I believe that the stuff I get in trouble for, isn't worth a hard slap :/ But I grew up with slaps

[Shienvien]

To be honest, I don't even know how people manage to convince themselves to hit someone in the face for discipline... I've also never seen a person slap another in real life, though I used to see plenty of fistfights and similar during my earlier schoolyears. I personally consider hitting people in the face especially a rather questionable thing to do.

[ChocolateIzzy]

I got slapped at school by this girl after I was looking at this accessory on her phone (As I grabbed it, she yanked it away and it came off and was still in my hand, as she reached for it I yanked my hand away because I was still looking at it, then she full on * slapped me o.O)

 

irrelevant but slapping still

 

I got slapped by my mum for stupid things I must say

[Fawkesian]

Made something last night for someone who I've always had a bit of a difficult friendship with. Sometimes we get along really well, and other times we fight - so I figured I'd do this to try to make up for past events.

 

Well… I guess they didn't like it for whatever reason. So they sorta criticized it and then threw it away. Not sure why I'm surprised. This sort of thing normally doesn't bug me, but… I worked hard on that, and they didn't even have the decency to wait until I was gone before dumping it.

 

I don't have a lot of friends, so I'd been hoping to at least get closer with one. So much for that. :/

[Thuban]

The very few times my mother ever slapped me in the face, I full well deserved it. She knew it, and I knew it. My mom has always been anti physical punishment. She did groundings, corner time, forced labor (do the dishes, do the laundry.. go scrub that toilet, gopher level). We knew full well that if /she/ got around to hitting us, it would be once, and it would count. Whatever we did that triggered it, we never did again. I will never call her a specific word again. I will use all kinds of words, but not that specific one. My brother has never hit me since the day she got him. The other brother, learned from our mistakes.

 

I will never forget the three times I got smacked in the face by her. The first time, I had used a word I had no business using, because I learned it at school, and was angry about having been chased down and beat up by those girls again. Even though she understood my reasoning, it was a horrible word, and shouldnt ever be used in that way. The second slap, was the day I told her I hated her, and then called her a name, that she just hates. That one, landed harder than she intended, but again, was really well deserved. The last time, was after I was married, and had kids of my own. Something was going on in our family tree... and I had said something really really horrible, sarcastically that shouldnt ever really be joked about. Even though my tree has all kinds of weird, twisted stories.. they are still family, and there is a level of sarcasticness and hatred that is allowed even when referring to family we have no contact with. I had gone over that marker by at least a mile.

 

 

There are times where a physical reprimand can be ok. A slap to the face, isnt something I think is acceptable, but there are few times where that is going to sink in more than any other method. Like anything else though, too much of something stops it from working. Dad did the spanking, and there was a lot of it. My brother developed a pretty hilarious sense of humor at a young age because of it. "How many times do I have to tell you not to ______?" "At least one more time." he said it was worth it every single time he made that joke and got one extra for it. It was so often that we stopped taking it seriously, and stupidly made dad more angry. It was one of those things where we hit a point where we decided that we were going to be hit, whether we liked it or not.. and decided to have fun with it.

 

I can see spanking being useful in very small doses, and only for really important things (such as making sure your child never says a specific word again). Never more than once. One smack, and thats all you get. Anymore than that, can quickly become too much, and its not worth the risk.