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To clarify, I deal with clinical depression and self-worth issues chronically anyway. This isn't anything new for me, unfortunately. .-.

*hugs* Sometimes all you can do is take it one day at a time. Doesn't make it easier but can make it a little less overwhelming.

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Lady_Lunevis, I think you NEED to talk to your dad in detail - maybe he could take the custody issue up with the court ? Your mother sounds disturbed, and as if she needs help as much as you do. Or confide in a doctor, who may be able to get through to her, if she is able to hear. You can't keep going in a situation like that. Is there any kind of children's (sorry but that tends to be what they call them !) advocacy service around you ? If you are really in Strong and Free, there should be. Even Children's Aid ?

 

And vent all you like - if it helps - that has to be good.

 

honestly, i'm not too sure if that'll work. dad is still kind of in love with her so when i bring something like this up he says that she's just in 'one of her moods' and that she'll calm down--he doesn't really think it's anything serious.

yeah, honestly, that's what i've been thinking for a while now, too. :c my mom . . . she's a nice lady and everything, but something really just doesn't feel quite right.

i have told my therapist about her before, but honestly even she feels that my mom is a 'nice person with slight moods'? i mean it makes me feel a bit guilty for thinking not quite that way when everyone else thinks another way, but i really do think my mom is someone i'd rather be away from than to take the time and understand. she just switches moods really quickly and is a really flattering charmer, so it's really hard to believe word against what they say.

don't apologise! i know i'm still a child, and that doesn't bother me quite that much--though i do have plans for when i can sorta do my own thing. ^^

thank you so much for the suggestions!!! <333 though, honestly, i'm a bit wary of doing something like that since, again, my mom is really quite nice when she's not angry and she's the perfect mom around others--i don't think they'd believe me, and if i were to get some officials involved in this she would be mad at me for doing something like that as well. it really sucks, but i just have doubts about a program like that working since she's so perfect normally. :c

 

ooohh thank you so much!!! the rant itself already helped me loads and i feel much better. c:

 

 

Lady L, your mom sounds to me like a first class narcissist. Do the research on that disorder. She's a manipulator. Nice one minute, crazy the next. The perfect picture of motherhood in front of everyone else...narcissists have an extreme need for others, not family, to see them as wonderful, kind, generous, with halos glowing.... but they're a totally different person behind closed doors where only you can see. Sound familiar? It's like trying to tell people that there really is a monster in the corner, but only you see it. You've described classic narcissistic behavior. Giving the dog, taking the dog. All that crap is designed to keep you off balance mentally, make you feel crazy and keep her feeling superior and in control. If she fits the bill for narcissism, she's a sick puppy and you need OUT of there. There is no pleasing these types. EVER. Go against a narcissist, stand up for yourself, or even disagree with them over some piddly, small thing, and here comes jekyll and hyde and be prepared for war. Everything is war with a narcissist. And if you do stand up for yourself, all of a sudden you're 'unreasonable', 'overly sensitive', etc, etc, and they become the long suffering martyr, a role a narcissist LOVES to play. Narcissists fight to win, and they play dirty, and they don't care if they leave you a shattered, bleeding mess as long as they get what they want out of you, come hell or high water. Hugs and kisses don't make up for that kind of craziness. And it just keeps getting worse. Soon, if you don't already, you won't know whether you're coming or going. A narcissistic parent is the worst kind there is and everything, and I mean everything, is YOUR fault. Narcissists, in their own minds, are never, ever wrong and can become incredibly nasty if they're blamed for the slightest thing. They are the ultimate masters of head games. If you can, get your dad to petition for custody. You need to be elsewhere before she completely drives you over the edge. A narcissist will twist you mentally like no other. And don't let that 'nice' role she plays fool you. A role is all it is. The only person a narcissist loves and cares for are themselves. To them, you aren't even human. You will never truly get your mothers approval if she's a narcissist. It's not because you aren't worthy of it, it's because they're incapable of giving it. I am so sorry. <3

 

Oh, and this ridiculousness...?

 

oh my god i never thought of it that way but now that you mention it it's ?? so spot on ??? it's almost creepy like holy geeze

honestly this scares me because one of the reasons my dad divorced her in the first place was because she was so ?? self absorbed and unable to accept her wrongs??? so thinking back to it i'm suddenly realising a lot of things i didn't see at first.

it's so strange though because i'm just ?? really used to it? like half of me wants to admit that my mom mgiht be narcissistic but the other half just?? refuses to accept something like that???

though, in all honesty, i'm going to say that you're dreadfully correct. one of my earliest memories is literally her telling me that when i grow up she's going to make me look more like her so i can be more 'beautiful'. she's always been displeased with most of my face since i take after my dad and she frequently brings it up at random times and i always passed it off as i guess?? general ?? parenting ??? but that. doesn't quite. sound right anymore.

 

A very typical comment a narcissisticc personality would make. It's designed to hurt and make you feel low. And that's what all narcissists do. They worse you feel the better they feel. Sad, isn't it? But that's part of the sickness. There's nothing 'nice' about getting your kid a pet only to use it against them with threats. If your mom is a narcissist, she got you that dog so she could use it against you like a weapon...not because she's 'nice'. Let a narcissist know that something is important to you and they'll use it against you every chance they get and do their best to destroy any good you feel about it.

 

I could be wrong. Maybe your mom isn't a narcissist. She sounds like one to me. If it turns out she is, if you think so after doing some research....RUN. And don't look back.

 

Sound Familiar?

 

And this?

 

Or this?

 

If any of this sounds familiar to you, get the hell away as fast as you possibly can. Do some research on this disorder. There is no good to be had, ever, with this kind of parent. You can give and give and try and try and bleed for your mom until you're a dried up husk and nothing you do, nothing you give, no effort you make, will ever, not one minute of one day, be enough. And know that that's not about YOU, that's about HER.

 

Sorry for the babbling. I could be wrong. I really hope I am. Do the research, Lady L, and maybe have your dad help, too. If that disorder does describe your mom, she's got a mental illness that you are in no way, shape or form equipped to handle.

 

i'm not too sure on the pet front--she has told me before that she would throw out the dog in an instant if i wasn't there, and there have been some times where she's said she would take it away if i did or already did do something wrong, but she also seems to like the dog?? sometimes she'll pet it and give it some food so i'm generally?? very confused

 

honestly, at this point i'm really conflicted. she's raised me for fourteen years believing she's the perfect mom--and sometimes she has been the perfect mom, but what you're saying is pretty accurate too. i don't want to fling disorders onto my mom or suddenly turn my back on her, but there's truth in what you're saying and generally it's just v confusing ??

 

those links . . . a lot of them are pretty accurate, like i've said. the only thing is??? i really do have trouble believing she's full narcissistic because after our fights, she pretends it never happened and that she's right, but she also tells me she loves me a lot and gives me things??? so i guess this is all a little overwhelming and hard to believe ,,,

 

honestly, i think i've done that already. since i was little i've been a really big sucker for my mom and i would do everything for her--including staying away from my dad for two years because she insisted that he was bad and that she was good. and now it's just . . . it's just weird.

 

nono it's okay!! thank you so much for helping so mcuh this really helped clear my head. <33

i really hope so--i've talked to him before, but, as i've mentioned, he doesn't really want to get involved with anything and he does think my mom is a nice person.

oh god yea h .... honestly it's mostly okay because i just hole myself up in my room but sometimes she's just so.. ugh.

i'll try to get out as soon as i can. thank you so much. <33

 

failing talking to your father...

 

IF there is any way to record your discussions with your mother, and take them to child support programs - along with your dad. Perhaps something can be done to help the situation. I feel so bad for you and her attitude - throwing pills at you like that? does not sit well with me.

 

I will give you snuggles - all of the snugs you need.

 

she mostly talks to me in chinese, so i can translate it if need be--but as i mentioned, my mother is very, very charming. i once called my therapist because she was screaming about how useless and stupid i was, and she managed to turn it around despite my therapist actually hearing maybe a quarter of the conversation. she just has ?? a really nice act ?? and it makes me fee really really guilty even talking about this because ??? she's so ?? nice sometimes that it feels really really real and that when she's angry it's just ???? she ignores it and waves it away so it doesn't even feel real half of the time. i'm just scared of a plan backfiring because she has a lot of friends--my dad believes in parenting being a two-person job, so no matter if he dislikes my mom or anything he's going to stick with her because he thinks it's just how things go.

 

ohh thank you so much <333 //huggles// thank you for taking the time to reply <33

 

Lady L. You are in no way wasting time. Reaching out for help and advice is one of the best things you can do when you have no answers.

 

forgive me if I say something that's wrong or out of line, but is your mother possibly suffering from any mental issues? Bipolar, depression, or possibly even menopause? She seems to have a lot of anger issues and or there is a lot of stress she's dealing with, same with you.

 

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. *sends infinite huggles and a basket of fluffy kittens to cuddle*

 

Writing is also a way for me to deal with my depression so I fully relate to that. Perhaps you should try to explain to her (if possible) calmly the benefits your stress-relief methods have on you. Pets have been proven to reduce stress, so has listening to music, writing, drawing, painting, anything that is calm and allows your mind to focus on something like a hobby is good therapy.

 

Maybe try to set aside time you and your mother can share together and try to relate to each other in an event. Such as watching a movie together, bike riding, or even a shopping trip to the mall or other store. Do something where you and your mother can bond and create good memories and that way forge an easier way to communicate your issues without her scream her lungs out and causing you more emotional pain.

 

My mother and I used to go at it like cats and dogs. (We still do every once in a while, but it's rare now) but then we discovered a small ice cream shop downtown and it became our hang out. Every week we went there and spent an hour or two just talking and spending time with each other and we are better off because of it.

 

Having said that it's also wrong that she threatened to take away your dog. If it helps you to have him then she's only creating a bigger problem and secondly, a pet is not another toy that a parent can take away when the child doesn't want to listen. A pet is a living creature that needs love and attention and it's just as much an unfair punishment to him/her as it is to you.

 

*More hugs* Wishing you all the best.

 

ahh thank you so much <333 i'm always worried people will be sick of my ranting so it's nice to hear that : ^ ) thank you for taking the time to reply!!! <33 i'm really grateful.

 

honestly, i'm not too sure. she doesn't have much education on the mental illness front, and it took half a year to convince her depression even exists, so even if she did have something i doubt she'd take it seriously or go to be tested for it. maybe something's a little off?? she's never dealt well with anger or anything and it's just ??? strange.

 

ohh thank you s omuch <333 //huggles and gives puppies back//

 

ahh that sounds like a good idea!! i'm still her daughter so--i'll try telling her that drawing and writing help me relax and hopefully that'll make her a little more understanding. thank you!!

 

ohh that's a lovely suggestion thank you <33 though, i'm a little bit wary on that. movies bore her and she falls asleep usually a little while after it starts, and shopping usually ends up in her spending way too much on things she thinks she needs. though i have to admit--she does buy me a lot of good stuff too, so my mother's not a complete villain. still, i'll see if i can find something we're both kinda interested in, thank you so much!!

 

oh gosh i'm so sorry to hear that :c //hugs// i'm so glad to hear it's gotten better, though!! communication really does work wonders. <33

 

ahh yeah exactly :c i sometimes feel like she treats the dog more as a toy or a thing rather than a living animal, and i'm really concerned because that means she can give it away any time without feeling remorse. she's told me before that the dog doesn't matter to her ( which is confusing since sometimes she seems to love it ) but other times she tells me that family matters more and that a dog is easily given away and easily obtained, something i don't quite agree with.

 

//hugs more too// thank you so much <333

 

thank you all for the lovely replies!!! it really cheered me up and helped me through--i have some thinking to do, of course, but it really helped me calm down. so thank you so much!! <33

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honestly, i'm not too sure if that'll work. dad is still kind of in love with her so when i bring something like this up he says that she's just in 'one of her moods' and that she'll calm down--he doesn't really think it's anything serious.

yeah, honestly, that's what i've been thinking for a while now, too. :c my mom . . . she's a nice lady and everything, but something really just doesn't feel quite right.

i have told my therapist about her before, but honestly even she feels that my mom is a 'nice person with slight moods'? i mean it makes me feel a bit guilty for thinking not quite that way when everyone else thinks another way, but i really do think my mom is someone i'd rather be away from than to take the time and understand. she just switches moods really quickly and is a really flattering charmer, so it's really hard to believe word against what they say.

don't apologise! i know i'm still a child, and that doesn't bother me quite that much--though i do have plans for when i can sorta do my own thing. ^^

 

I actually meant because Children's Aid can be a TOTAL PIA... biggrin.gif If you ARE in the True North you will know this... sad.gif

 

But the idea of recording her "moods" is a good one; if your father can HEAR how she is... or if you can play them to your doctor, maybe he can explain it better to her or to your dad ? SOMEONE has to hear you. You are being abused, not to put too fine a point on it..

 

thank you so much for the suggestions!!! <333 though, honestly, i'm a bit wary of doing something like that since, again, my mom is really quite nice when she's not angry and she's the perfect mom around others--i don't think they'd believe me, and if i were to get some officials involved in this she would be mad at me for doing something like that as well. it really sucks, but i just have doubts about a program like that working since she's so perfect normally. :c

 

ooohh thank you so much!!! the rant itself already helped me loads and i feel much better. c:

 

Good. Keep doing it - at least it blows off some of the steam.

 

But the idea of NPD is scary possible - I have an NPD mother. I am 70 years old now, and it doesn't bother me; when she gets exceptionally vile, the three of us just gang up on her (she tries to play us off against each other.) But she damaged us all in childhood - though as she didn't scream and carry on, but was more SUBTLE, none of us realised her behaviour wasn't normal.

 

it's so strange though because i'm just ?? really used to it? like half of me wants to admit that my mom might be narcissistic but the other half just?? refuses to accept something like that???

though, in all honesty, i'm going to say that you're dreadfully correct. one of my earliest memories is literally her telling me that when i grow up she's going to make me look more like her so i can be more 'beautiful'. she's always been displeased with most of my face since i take after my dad and she frequently brings it up at random times and i always passed it off as i guess?? general ?? parenting ??? but that. doesn't quite. sound right anymore.

 

Exactly. You are being manipulated into a corner here. Whatever else you do, DON'T let her do that. Be YOU. I have seen the huge number of times you have helped others in this thread. You are better than that.

 

honestly, at this point i'm really conflicted. she's raised me for fourteen years believing she's the perfect mom--and sometimes she has been the perfect mom,

 

NPD moms KNOW they are the perfect mom. Because the world revolves around them, so they MUST be.

those links . . . a lot of them are pretty accurate, like i've said. the only thing is??? i really do have trouble believing she's full narcissistic because after our fights, she pretends it never happened and that she's right, but she also tells me she loves me a lot and gives me things??? so i guess this is all a little overwhelming and hard to believe ,,,

She needs to keep you on side and available to be manipulated. She thinks she has subdued you to where she wants you, so you deserve a reward.

she mostly talks to me in chinese, so i can translate it if need be--but as i mentioned, my mother is very, very charming. i once called my therapist because she was screaming about how useless and stupid i was, and she managed to turn it around despite my therapist actually hearing maybe a quarter of the conversation. she just has ?? a really nice act ?? and it makes me fee really really guilty even talking about this because ??? she's so ?? nice sometimes that it feels really really real and that when she's angry it's just ???? she ignores it and waves it away so it doesn't even feel real half of the time.

She is manipulating you into feeling guilty. She's doing FAR too good a job on you. You HAVE to recognise that however nice she is, you do NOT have to be the person she wants to make you.

i'm just scared of a plan backfiring because she has a lot of friends--my dad believes in parenting being a two-person job, so no matter if he dislikes my mom or anything he's going to stick with her because he thinks it's just how things go.

Talk to your therapist as you have done to us. Tell her how helpless you are feeling in the face of all this.

WORST case scenario (this one could backfire but - well, it's a thought) - we had a friend whose daughter went to Children's Aid and asked to be placed in a foster home. They took it very seriously indeed - and so did her parents, when faced with that. She was placed for 6 months, as I recall, while the parents were taken to task for all that had upset her. The danger is that if you have an over-zealous CA, you may end up permanently fostered... Only you know if that would be good.

 

honestly, i'm not too sure. she doesn't have much education on the mental illness front, and it took half a year to convince her depression even exists, so even if she did have something i doubt she'd take it seriously or go to be tested for it. maybe something's a little off?? she's never dealt well with anger or anything and it's just ??? strange.

SO SO many parents don't get it and also feel that if their child is mentally ill, it is their fault, so the child can't be. Been there; two of us ended up in psych hospitals and "clearly" it was the friends we had, and so on that had made us so ill.... the idea that SHE is disturbed will not go down well. But...

 

though i have to admit--she does buy me a lot of good stuff too, so my mother's not a complete villain. still, i'll see if i can find something we're both kinda interested in, thank you so much!!

Worth a shot. Good luck with that. My sister tried to show Mother an exhibition about one of her HUGE areas of passion. Mother: "Why on EARTH would I want to go to THAT ?" Sister, fed up, "Maybe because you care about your daughter and would like to learn more about her interests." Needless to say Mother did NOT go...

 

ahh yeah exactly :c i sometimes feel like she treats the dog more as a toy or a thing rather than a living animal, and i'm really concerned because that means she can give it away any time without feeling remorse. she's told me before that the dog doesn't matter to her ( which is confusing since sometimes she seems to love it ) but other times she tells me that family matters more and that a dog is easily given away and easily obtained, something i don't quite agree with.

Fits NPD. Sorry, but it DOES. If nothing else, always remember that your mother is clearly a very imperfect mother - however she came to be that way. Be strong, be you, and sound off here whenever you need to.

 

and ((((fizzix)))) Depression UTTERLY sucks. But not to eat because of a parent's medical bills - NO. Have a sandwich and send me the bill, OK ?

Edited for typos - multiple... sad.gif

Edited by fuzzbucket

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she does buy me a lot of good stuff too, so my mother's not a complete villain

 

If someone beat the hell out of you physically and then bought you a trinket, would that make them any less a censorkip.gif for the beating? Beating the hell out of someone mentally, to me, is worse than getting a beating physically. 'Buying things' does not = love, caring or goodness. Get that straight right now.

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I am a bit tired to write up an elaborate reply, but Lady Lunevis - do listen what fuzz and Mystic are saying. Your mother is clearly abusive, and her periods of "niceness" do not undo it. Many an unsavoury member of society can be "nice" for long periods of time. This is how almost all abusive relationships begin. And that she's your parent does not change anything. You both are people, and there are certain ways in which a person shouldn't treat another.

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I actually meant because Children's Aid can be a TOTAL PIA... biggrin.gif If you ARE in the True North you will know this... sad.gif

 

But the idea of recording her "moods" is a good one; if your father can HEAR how she is... or if you can play them to your doctor, maybe he can explain it better to her or to your dad ? SOMEONE has to hear you. You are being abused, not to put too fine a point on it..

 

ahh i see i see!! omg no i'm sorry i live really close to the american border and i don't really hear much of these things :c

 

aa yeah definitely!! though honestly even though i would want to record her i'm just scared she's going to turn it around--and half of me doesn't really think it's necessary, even. i know it is, it really is, but she has this way of playing things off that just makes me feel like i'm overreacting or being dramatic when i try to discuss serious things. arghh

 

Good. Keep doing it - at least it blows off some of the steam.

 

But the idea of NPD is scary possible - I have an NPD mother. I am 70 years old now, and it doesn't bother me; when she gets exceptionally vile, the three of us just gang up on her (she tries to play us off against each other.) But she damaged us all in childhood - though as she didn't scream and carry on, but was more SUBTLE, none of us realised her behaviour wasn't normal.

 

ahh thank you!! <333 yeah, rants really do help.

 

oh gosh, really? i'm so sorry oh geeze :c it's awful when parents just aren't raising their children correctly . . . it really does affect someone for life. i'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that. //hugs//

 

Exactly. You are being manipulated into a corner here. Whatever else you do, DON'T let her do that. Be YOU. I have seen the huge number of times you have helped others in this thread. You are better than that.

 

arggh yeah honestly i've just thought what my mom did was normal for the longest time, so i'm really having difficulty accepting this outright, but you're right--she is really manipluative.

ohh thank you so much!! <33 i really do try my best to help ; v ; though recently i've had to quit because of things like school and my mom, it was really nice to help others and i hope things are going well for everyone, too!!

 

NPD moms KNOW they are the perfect mom. Because the world revolves around them, so they MUST be.

 

god yeah that's my mom in a nutshell. :c

 

Talk to your therapist as you have done to us. Tell her how helpless you are feeling in the face of all this.

WORST case scenario (this one could backfire but - well, it's a thought) - we had a friend whose daughter went to Children's Aid and asked to be placed in a foster home. They took it very seriously indeed - and so did her parents, when faced with that. She was placed for 6 months, as I recall, while the parents were taken to task for all that had upset her. The danger is that if you have an over-zealous CA, you may end up permanently fostered... Only you know if that would be good.

 

i've tried that before, but all my therapist has done is call my mom and try to reason with her--which really doesn't go all that well.

ah i see i see--that seems interesting! if things get bad and there's no other way that could be an option. though, admittedly, i don't think i'd fare well very in foster care :c i'm pretty fragile so suddenly having change like that would be hard for me to adapt and prosper in.

thank you so much for the suggestion, though! if things really get that bad i'll remember that that's always an option. c:

 

SO SO many parents don't get it and also feel that if their child is mentally ill, it is their fault, so the child can't be. Been there; two of us ended up in psych hospitals and "clearly" it was the friends we had, and so on that had made us so ill.... the idea that SHE is disturbed will not go down well. But...

 

oh god yeah . . . i really feel like the entire world needs better education on mental illness just because a lot of people either don't accept it or don't really consider it to be a thing?

oh gosh i am so sorry to hear that that's literally so, so awful :c i'm glad you and your siblings have gotten away form your mother--that's really good!! it's awful she made you go through things like that. ;;

 

Worth a shot. Good luck with that. My sister tried to show Mother an exhibition about one of her HUGE areas of passion. Mother: "Why on EARTH would I want to go to THAT ?" Sister, fed up, "Maybe because you care about your daughter and would like to learn more about her interests." Needless to say Mother did NOT go...

 

argh yeah that's pretty much my mom as well : ^ | unless she can get something out of going to a thing, she'd rather stay at home. she's made me cancel trips with friends before just because it was a waste of her time to drive me--honestly, i really want a car of my own because i'm so frustrated with my mom and how easily she changes her mind. : ^ |

 

Fits NPD. Sorry, but it DOES. If nothing else, always remember that your mother is clearly a very imperfect mother - however she came to be that way. Be strong, be you, and sound off here whenever you need to.

 

ahh thank you so much for the words!! <333 i'm beginning to accept that, even if my mom doesn't have npd, she still has quite a lot of traits. i'm not saying she doesn't, but it's just hard to wrap my head around something like that when she's told me my entire life to respect and accept her as a perfect mom. thank you for your words and support, i'll try my best to just kinda stay away from her and maybe go to my dad's for a few weeks. ^^

 

If someone beat the hell out of you physically and then bought you a trinket, would that make them any less a censorkip.gif for the beating? Beating the hell out of someone mentally, to me, is worse than getting a beating physically. 'Buying things' does not = love, caring or goodness. Get that straight right now.

 

oh god yeah i have to agree with you on that--i really dislike any harm mentally just because it's so ??? it had such a big impact on you and your life ??

aaa thank you for your words; i really know that i have to accept that, sooner or later. it's just a little hard when i've kinda conditioned myself through her words and everything she does to accept whatever she says.

 

thank you so much, though! i'm sure to remember that in the future. i'm not going to look at my mom for any kind of redemption when she's not accepting her mistakes, either.

 

I am a bit tired to write up an elaborate reply, but Lady Lunevis - do listen what fuzz and Mystic are saying. Your mother is clearly abusive, and her periods of "niceness" do not undo it. Many an unsavoury member of society can be "nice" for long periods of time. This is how almost all abusive relationships begin. And that she's your parent does not change anything. You both are people, and there are certain ways in which a person shouldn't treat another.

 

ahh thank you so much for replying all the same!! <33 please rest, though, if you're tired. :c

i'm coming to terms with the fact my mom is abusive; she hasn't done anything physical so it's much harder to just be like 'yeah she's really not that great', but i do agree. she's just . . . it's strange. i'm so used to her and what she does that her abuse seems pretty much normal to me, and it's only when she completely loses it do i think something's wrong. i'll have to try and think otherwise; or else i'm going to end up becoming exactly what she wants.

that's so true. :c again, going back to what i said earlier, it's awful when children--or people in general--end up in abusive relationships. it's really just awful.

 

thank you three so much for your replies!! <33 i think what i might do is find some time to get to dad's house--mom has me in the house for all of next week due to 'christmas being a time for family', but the change of scenery will probably help me relax a lot more. as well, i'll be able to talk to him about some things.

again, thank you all so much!! <33 you helped me realise something that probably would've taken me years and years if ever to realise. i have to accept that, even if i do 'love' my mother in some way, she's not as great as she's lead me to believe.

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You can love someone a LOT and realise that they are not a good person to be around. I think of a relative who recently divorced her husband - who is a nice enough guy and not abusive - but he is IMPOSSIBLE to live with (and I do mean impossible.) We used to wonder how she coped. We now know - she didn't, and had to give up. It hurt her a lot, as she still loves him - but she is so much better, happier, in herself now.

 

Just because you love someone doesn't make them a nice person - or even a good person.

 

And TELL your therapist what happened after s/he spoke to your mom. How much difference it didn't make. And tell your dad that you are seriously considering asking for foster care. It will make him think, if nothing else - even if you don't mean it !

 

Don't worry about me and my sisters. Well, not about me anyway. Being in that hospital was one of the best things I ever did for myself ! Worry about YOU. I no longer need that sort of help. You do !

Edited by fuzzbucket

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You can love someone a LOT and realise that they are not a good person to be around. I think of a relative who recently divorced her husband - who is a nice enough guy and not abusive - but he is IMPOSSIBLE to live with (and I do mean impossible.) We used to wonder how she coped. We now know - she didn't, and had to give up. It hurt her a lot, as she still loves him - but she is so much better, happier, in herself now.

 

Just because you love someone doesn't make them a nice person - or even a good person.

 

And TELL your therapist what happened after s/he spoke to your mom. How much difference it didn't make. And tell your dad that you are seriously considering asking for foster care. It will make him think, if nothing else - even if you don't mean it !

 

Don't worry about me and my sisters. Well, not about me anyway. Being in that hospital was one of the best things I ever did for myself ! Worry about YOU. I no longer need that sort of help. You do !

argh yeah, that's so true :c it's really sad, but it's the truth. love can really be blind, sometimes.

oh gosh, really? that's awful to hear ;; i guess sometimes, you need to make sacrifices for a greater goal. i'm glad to hear that she's much happier now!! it was the right thing to do. c:

 

gods, yeah, that's true. i've always had this notion that someone you loved must automatically be good--because why else would you love them, otherwise? but recently i've realised that's not always true. thank you for your words!!

 

ohh telling my therapist might be a good idea--i'm honestly not too sure on my dad, though. he's the type to take things really literally so if i said something like that, he'd probably look into hospital help. still, if things get really bad, i'll remember that!

 

ahh that's good to hear that things are okay now ; v ; still, i'm so sorry you had to go through something like that growing up. family aren't people you can pick and being born into a less than good one can really just screw things over :c

i'm glad to hear that the hospital was something good, though! : ^ )

aa yeah honestly i feel as if i do--because, either way, i've realised that i'll lose with my mother. there's just no way for me to win since she has a backup plan, a way to turn everything around. i'll see if i can head to dads for a bit or have a serious talk with my therapist and decide on the best course for me.

 

thank you so much for your help!! <33 it's helped loads and i think i'm okay now. : ^ ) i'll be sure to talk to someone, though, because being in this house is just not healthy for me. both mom and her boyfriend are just . . . wow no.

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You know - maybe your mother NEEDS hospital help. Don't discount the idea. Hospital was - as I said - one of the best things I ever did for myself. You get the help you need to sort yourself out without any responsibilities like washing up and grocery shopping !

 

Actually - why not show your father and/or therapist this thread ? Or at least your posts ?

 

By the way- how old are you ? Most places, if a child is of an age to be taken seriously - which your reasoned posts would suggest - custody arrangements are sorted out and even changed at times according to the child's wishes, at least to some degree.

Edited by fuzzbucket

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I could use some emotional support... I'm 29 years old, no job, no kids, and living in subsidised housing. I am married, which I am happy about, but we are both dirt poor - and then I look at my family and see how great they are doing. One sister is a pharmacist, married with two kids and has a nice house, the other is off in France right now, traveling the world with her husband, showing off lots of awesome pictures on facebook with her adventures. My mom owns two houses and two cars and is all giddy with her new boyfriend whom I keep hearing good things about, and my dad lives in a nice home with a great wife and a great job and he always seems so happy. Why do I feel like I'm such a loser in the family? They never say it, but I sometimes think they pity me. I have Clinical Depression so it hinders me from getting and keeping a job. I sometimes feel bad for my husband because he has never seen me BEFORE I became depressed. He thinks this is the norm and it's not. I used to be a college student, thinking about going to grad school in writing, but now I reside in an apartment building laden with mice that won't leave our kitchen alone. I hate my life sometimes, not that I want to die or become someone else or anything - I just want to figure out who I am before I turn 30 next year. I am so disappointed with where my life has headed and I have no idea where I want my life to head toward, you know? All I know is that I want to be a mommy pretty badly, but the finances are obviously a hurdle, and my health isn't top notch, and I keep getting friends telling me that I shouldn't have kids until I get my health under control. It's not like I've ever been pregnant, anyway. My husband and I had been trying for 6 months but I'm getting the feeling I can't get pregnant and it depresses me even more. I'm usually pretty optimistic around the Christmas Season but this year so far all I've been doing is crying in my bed, reading and writing fanfiction because I can't think of anything on my own anymore, and feeling sorry for myself. I can't help it; I try hard to stay busy, but looking for a job is intensely stressful right now because I know I'm probably just going to have to quit before I lose my mind again. I don't know which is worse: working a job I can't stand or not working at all, feeling like a total loser.

 

I'm not really looking for advice, but I would be interested in hearing what kinds of things other's have done to find out "who they are" and such. Like, practical tips on what kind of career to pursue and how to gain self-confidence. I know I need to stop comparing myself to others; I do it all the time. But I can't hellp it. I don't know what to do, and sometimes it's all I can do just to get out of bed to face another day!

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I could use some emotional support... I'm 29 years old, no job, no kids, and living in subsidised housing. I am married, which I am happy about, but we are both dirt poor - and then I look at my family and see how great they are doing. One sister is a pharmacist, married with two kids and has a nice house, the other is off in France right now, traveling the world with her husband, showing off lots of awesome pictures on facebook with her adventures. My mom owns two houses and two cars and is all giddy with her new boyfriend whom I keep hearing good things about, and my dad lives in a nice home with a great wife and a great job and he always seems so happy. Why do I feel like I'm such a loser in the family? They never say it, but I sometimes think they pity me. I have Clinical Depression so it hinders me from getting and keeping a job. I sometimes feel bad for my husband because he has never seen me BEFORE I became depressed. He thinks this is the norm and it's not. I used to be a college student, thinking about going to grad school in writing, but now I reside in an apartment building laden with mice that won't leave our kitchen alone. I hate my life sometimes, not that I want to die or become someone else or anything - I just want to figure out who I am before I turn 30 next year. I am so disappointed with where my life has headed and I have no idea where I want my life to head toward, you know? All I know is that I want to be a mommy pretty badly, but the finances are obviously a hurdle, and my health isn't top notch, and I keep getting friends telling me that I shouldn't have kids until I get my health under control. It's not like I've ever been pregnant, anyway. My husband and I had been trying for 6 months but I'm getting the feeling I can't get pregnant and it depresses me even more. I'm usually pretty optimistic around the Christmas Season but this year so far all I've been doing is crying in my bed, reading and writing fanfiction because I can't think of anything on my own anymore, and feeling sorry for myself. I can't help it; I try hard to stay busy, but looking for a job is intensely stressful right now because I know I'm probably just going to have to quit before I lose my mind again. I don't know which is worse: working a job I can't stand or not working at all, feeling like a total loser.

 

I'm not really looking for advice, but I would be interested in hearing what kinds of things other's have done to find out "who they are" and such. Like, practical tips on what kind of career to pursue and how to gain self-confidence. I know I need to stop comparing myself to others; I do it all the time. But I can't hellp it. I don't know what to do, and sometimes it's all I can do just to get out of bed to face another day!

You feel like a loser because you are depressed. Been there; it SUCKS. Hugs.

 

How I found out who I was was during a spell in hospital - not everyone wants to go that route, but it was good. Also - a mate of mine and I were looking at our families one afternoon - we are both FAR less well off than our siblings, though not so hard up as we were when we were talking about this - and it occurred to us both that we have a LOT more fun than any of our rich siblings... It does not MATTER how well they are doing. For all we all know, they may be TOTALLY miserable.

 

One thing I did - when at my lowest - was volunteer in a charity shop. Volunteering is great for depression- it gets you out of the house and also you can see you are doing something for others - who are often even worse off than you are.

 

If your husband only knew you after you became depressed - then he loves you as you are today - so you don't have to worry about that.

 

Now, mice - I SO hear you. This is a detached, nice, but VERY old stone house that we own - and we are overrun with the things. Not only that but SO insists on HUMANE traps, which means every time we catch them, they have to be walked WAY down the street.... (I hasten to add that we live way out in the country; we aren't just sending them on to other people !) I had no idea they were so fond of potatoes... mad.gif

 

What career to pursue is a tough one as we know nothing about you. The first thing I would do is start to keep a journal and write down three good things that happened each day - NOTHING else - well, you can put more than three if you like. It really helps to read them back to yourself. The next is exercise. It stimulates serotonin. Walk - even when you don't WANNA (I NEVER wanna !) Any other exercise you like is fine, but walking is particularly good.

 

It is hard to get out of bed - but - well, I have to say - you just have to do it ! That can be the hardest thing of the whole day. And lastly - get a self help workbook and work through it. Mind over Mood is a good one (be sure and get the PATIENT's version !!!) and there are a couple of "dummies" ones too. I can dig up the titles if you can't find them. (I assume you ARE getting professional help ?)

 

tl;dr - but - well, if you read it, you did something for yourself today !!!

Edited by fuzzbucket

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So this is kind of a weird post, but I have some questions I'd like you guys' opinions on.

 

-Do you find "you can't help people unless they want your help" to be true or not?

-How far are you personally willing to go to help a friend, knowing that if they don't want help, it means you'll be hurt in the process?

-How can you tell what your limits are - weighing your guilt between having to stop trying to help a friend for your own mental health and how worth it that it is to continue to pursue the issue?

-Once you decide to leave for your own health (if you do), what kind of steps do you go about to do this? How do you take care of yourself?

 

Thanks, all. :3

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So this is kind of a weird post, but I have some questions I'd like you guys' opinions on.

 

-Do you find "you can't help people unless they want your help" to be true or not?

-How far are you personally willing to go to help a friend, knowing that if they don't want help, it means you'll be hurt in the process?

-How can you tell what your limits are - weighing your guilt between having to stop trying to help a friend for your own mental health and how worth it that it is to continue to pursue the issue?

-Once you decide to leave for your own health (if you do), what kind of steps do you go about to do this? How do you take care of yourself?

 

Thanks, all. :3

1. I find it that sometimes while somebody may not want your help they do actually appreciate it and it may make them feel just a little better. I would know. I do that to people on Tumblr a lot because I don';'t really know how to say something meaningful back to them.

 

2. It depends. I will help my friends even if it is just emotional support as best I can even if they ignore me. You may never know how much it means to someone. But sometimes I will give up (not usually though).

 

3. I sometimes can't say anything more to my friends after an exhaustively long time devoting all of my mental state to helping them. I have a bad habit of caring more for my friends health than my own sometimes.

 

4. I do not know really...

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So this is kind of a weird post, but I have some questions I'd like you guys' opinions on.

 

-Do you find "you can't help people unless they want your help" to be true or not?

-How far are you personally willing to go to help a friend, knowing that if they don't want help, it means you'll be hurt in the process?

-How can you tell what your limits are - weighing your guilt between having to stop trying to help a friend for your own mental health and how worth it that it is to continue to pursue the issue?

-Once you decide to leave for your own health (if you do), what kind of steps do you go about to do this? How do you take care of yourself?

 

Thanks, all. :3

Firstly, the case depends on certain scenario. Sometimes, you really cannot help a person unless they want your help or help themselves. This is when their healing depends on themselves. Example would be changing their habits. They cannot change their habits, say, smoking unless they want to stop and exert the effort to implement it. A psychologist or hypnotherapist can only do so much. Hypnosis isn't really forcing the person to do your bidding but helping them relax and make them more bound to be influenced. So, the person should be willing. Other cases, like saving a person's life in the case of suicide, you can help them even if they do not want to be saved. You force them by carrying them while they fight against you.

 

Secondly, I'm willing as far as possible to help a person. So, I suppose it's a flaw of mine too. I would sacrifice my own health or whatsoever because I believe that no one is beyond help. God has ways.

 

Thirdly, I really do not know my limit. I always surprise myself of what I can do. Humans are really unique in the sense that they are transcending; they can withstand what their physical body sometimes fails to do. We can read inspirational stories where a mom suddenly gains super strength when her child is in danger but fails to exhibit the same result when they replicated the scenario in a simulated environment.

 

Lastly, I will never decide to leave. The only time I will leave is when the person refuses my help- I already got a restraining order from somebody because they do not want my help. I respected that and kept my distance. ( tongue.gif No, not a restraining order from the court; they simply told me that they want some distance.)

 

I hope that helps and.... More love to you, dear friends!

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So this is kind of a weird post, but I have some questions I'd like you guys' opinions on.

Not weird at all.

-Do you find "you can't help people unless they want your help" to be true or not?

Up to a point, yes. If I get someone who is "yes but" to everything I suggest, and there isn't anything practical I can do, like driving them to the doctor, doing the mountain of washing up etc - all I can then do is the old "be there" thing. Listen and that.

-How far are you personally willing to go to help a friend, knowing that if they don't want help, it means you'll be hurt in the process?

That depends ENTIRELY on how much I care about them, and how sure I am that it WILL all end. I am not prepared to let myself be sucked into an endless cycle, as some people are with their parents, when they would be better off finding professional care of some kind and then being able to ENJOY seeing said parent. Also what kind of hurt it would be for me, and whether I am confident that I can take it. I won't actually lead myself towards suicidal ideation for anyone.

-How can you tell what your limits are - weighing your guilt between having to stop trying to help a friend for your own mental health and how worth it that it is to continue to pursue the issue?

Experience. I went too far helping someone once. I know the signs now. Also though - after years of being a Nice Person where I can, I refuse to feel guilty for being unable to help someone - no matter how much I love them. And Sock - this is one for you to ponder when - as I assume maybe you are doing- you are considering letting someone cut their own rope - it is the HEIGHT of conceit to hang on when there is nothing you can do - that is like feeling that you are THE ONE to be able to fix things - vanity, to be blunt. If you haven't managed to after a while - then stop feeling that you can; give up on the conceit of "I am the person who can help them" and step back. Whoever this is - they make their own decisions (unless they are past that - in which case they should be in hospital or something...) and they have to take the fall for the consequences. Trying to help when you actually can't can make things worse in the long run. Whoever it is will keep looking to you instead of taking the actions they need to take for themselves. (PM me if you want a few concrete examples which I am not prepared to post in a thread !)

-Once you decide to leave for your own health (if you do), what kind of steps do you go about to do this? How do you take care of yourself?

I back off. I will send cards and supportive letters and so on, but until I am SURE I can bear it, I don't visit; I don't have direct contact. In DIRE situations, I screen phone calls with the answerphone, I'm afraid. (I am actually doing that with my mother right now...there are lessons she has to learn - though she won't - even at 95...)

 

 

 

Edited by fuzzbucket

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You know - maybe your mother NEEDS hospital help. Don't discount the idea. Hospital was - as I said - one of the best things I ever did for myself. You get the help you need to sort yourself out without any responsibilities like washing up and grocery shopping !

 

Actually - why not show your father and/or therapist this thread ? Or at least your posts ?

 

By the way- how old are you ? Most places, if a child is of an age to be taken seriously - which your reasoned posts would suggest - custody arrangements are sorted out and even changed at times according to the child's wishes, at least to some degree.

 

honestly, even if she did, i don't think she would agree to such a thing. she doesn't know all that much about mental illness and i know her well enough that she would reject the idea of anything wrong with herself. it's lose lose, either way : ^ | personally, i don't think she'll ever get professional medical attention just because she and everyone that knows her thinks otherwise.

 

ohh, i might!! that's a good idea; that way, most things are uncensored and i have feedback from you guys, too. thank you!! i'll do the thing. : ^ )

 

i'm fourteen, turning fifteen in march!! still really young ha : ' ^ )

i'm not too sure if i'm at that age yet?? i haven't heard about this before but whoa it's really interesting

honestly even if i could do such a thing i wouldn't want to; for one, it would cause a huge strain between mom and dad and i really don't need that. : ^ | when they first divorced it was messy as heck and, honestly, awful--she backtalked him to everyone they knew and to this day he doesn't really have any friends amongst who they used to hang out with together because she's just so influential with her words--she can always make herself the victim, no matter what. i know my needs matter, but driving a stick between them this way would only cause more stress.

 

So this is kind of a weird post, but I have some questions I'd like you guys' opinions on.

 

-Do you find "you can't help people unless they want your help" to be true or not?

-How far are you personally willing to go to help a friend, knowing that if they don't want help, it means you'll be hurt in the process?

-How can you tell what your limits are - weighing your guilt between having to stop trying to help a friend for your own mental health and how worth it that it is to continue to pursue the issue?

-Once you decide to leave for your own health (if you do), what kind of steps do you go about to do this? How do you take care of yourself?

 

Thanks, all. :3

 

i might offend some people here oops but these are just my personal opinions

 

1. to some extent, yes. i once knew a girl that was depressed and we tried everything to help her--because it was painful to see her so upset. but in due time, we realised she was just so, so sad that it was unable to help her--she wanted to be sad. she wanted to tell people about her depression and have herself be constantly comforted and cuddled and never shown any harshness because that was the coping mechanism she came up with in the face of everything she's been through.

i can't blame her for building up that kind of shield since she's had a really difficult childhood, but at the same time it was impossible to help her recover or move on because that was her entire existence--being sad, and having people comfort her when she was sad. she would never not be sad because she wanted to be sad--being sad made her feel alive, feel needed. it's just a bittersweet kind of thing--so that's my personal opinion on the matter. it all depends on how much they're unwilling to help themselves, and why.

 

2. it depends on the friend. i'm going to sound like a huge jerk here, but despite the many friends i have, i only have about one or two that i would do such a thing for. i do care about my other friends, but there's really only one or two people i would go above and beyond for.

 

3. it's kinda hard to explain this one, but somehow i just know ?? i used to think i had endless limits, but no one's invincible. i think i just hit a certain point where i realise i can't do it anymore, and then i just gently remove myself.

 

4. i've done this on two separate occasions, in very different ways. the first was messy because there was already tension building up, and it went to the point where i was getting death threats and it was a really low point for me. i kept doubting myself and trying to go back and then leaving again in a whirlwind, until i finally decided it wasn't worth it and just left because she was so, so unhealthy.

the second, i faded out. i started replying in only one/two worded answers and didn't talk to her first. i never really told her why i left, but it was because i could deal with her hatred and natural possessiveness. she was a really good friend but just impossible to be around; so i faded out. we still talk sometimes, but the convo is literally two minutes long and pretty boring.

i take care of myself through little things; such as playing with the dog or talking to a friend. i also make little goals for myself like you have to keep breathing today so you can go home and eat m&ms or sleep through the night so you can get up and play ___ with ___. overall, it's just a slow, small process.

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i'm fourteen, turning fifteen in march!! still really young ha : ' ^ )

i'm not too sure if i'm at that age yet?? i haven't heard about this before but whoa it's really interesting

honestly even if i could do such a thing i wouldn't want to; for one, it would cause a huge strain between mom and dad and i really don't need that. : ^ | when they first divorced it was messy as heck and, honestly, awful--she backtalked him to everyone they knew and to this day he doesn't really have any friends amongst who they used to hang out with together because she's just so influential with her words--she can always make herself the victim, no matter what. i know my needs matter, but driving a stick between them this way would only cause more stress.

 

More stress than is the stress that is already damaging you ? Think of yourself here. Someone has to... (((hugs)))

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Hello friends - I'm sorry to be a bother, but I could really use some kind words :/

 

I have a tendency to drift away from people sometimes, I never mean to, it just sort of happens. Lately I've been feeling horribly lonely and sort of...forgotten. I tried to get back into the forum, but I don't know where to start and I wind up just slinking back into the shadows. I tried to be active on tumblr, but ll of my old friends seem to be too busy to deal with me. Every time I try to talk to someone about it I feel like a massive burden.

 

I have depression and anxiety issues, and I'm not sure if that's the cause of this lonely feeling or if the lonely feeling is making my issues worse. I just wish I knew how to get involved again, how to be an active member of the community like I used to.

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Hello friends - I'm sorry to be a bother, but I could really use some kind words :/

 

I have a tendency to drift away from people sometimes, I never mean to, it just sort of happens. Lately I've been feeling horribly lonely and sort of...forgotten. I tried to get back into the forum, but I don't know where to start and I wind up just slinking back into the shadows. I tried to be active on tumblr, but ll of my old friends seem to be too busy to deal with me. Every time I try to talk to someone about it I feel like a massive burden.

 

I have depression and anxiety issues, and I'm not sure if that's the cause of this lonely feeling or if the lonely feeling is making my issues worse. I just wish I knew how to get involved again, how to be an active member of the community like I used to.

You've started. HELLO ! *shakes hand and offers hugs*

 

And keep that slot free on your scroll- I shall breed you a Christmas prezzy in a minute (I'm every so slightly LOCKED just now...)

 

You are part of this forum.

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Oh! That's incredibly kind of you! I...Wow, that's so much more than I expected .-.Thank you muchly!

Members of this forum are friends (except the ones who annoy me.)

 

Now you have a GOOD DAY and some chocolate or something smile.gif and check your PMs.

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Do you find "you can't help people unless they want your help" to be true or not?

-How far are you personally willing to go to help a friend, knowing that if they don't want help, it means you'll be hurt in the process?

-How can you tell what your limits are - weighing your guilt between having to stop trying to help a friend for your own mental health and how worth it that it is to continue to pursue the issue?

-Once you decide to leave for your own health (if you do), what kind of steps do you go about to do this? How do you take care of yourself?

 

To the first...Yes. That is absolutely true. If people don't want help, you can bleed till doomsday for them and it won't make one whit of difference.

 

How far am I willing to go when someone doesn't want help? That depends totally on what the circumstances are. Since I have no idea what the circumstances are in this situation, it's hard to say.

 

When someone else's issues are stressing me so badly mentally that it makes me physically ill, it's time to run for the hills and get as far away as I can. I'm done.

 

If I decide to walk, I disappear off the face of the earth and simply accept that I did what I could and I can't do a single thing more for that person, for my own sake...because I matter just as much as the person stressing me... and that I'm not super human. I might be willing to go to the pits of hell for someone...but I'm damn sure not staying there with them. And that's that. Guilt when you did your best is a waste of time. I put them and their problems completely out of my mind. By walking away from a situation I couldn't control, by putting distance..a wall..between whatever is bad for me and myself, I already took care of me the best way there is.

 

I just wish I knew how to get involved again, how to be an active member of the community like I used to.

 

You just took the first step. Welcome back. smile.gif We aren't going anywhere, so anytime you feel up to it, join the party.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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So this is kind of a weird post, but I have some questions I'd like you guys' opinions on.

 

-Do you find "you can't help people unless they want your help" to be true or not?

-How far are you personally willing to go to help a friend, knowing that if they don't want help, it means you'll be hurt in the process?

-How can you tell what your limits are - weighing your guilt between having to stop trying to help a friend for your own mental health and how worth it that it is to continue to pursue the issue?

-Once you decide to leave for your own health (if you do), what kind of steps do you go about to do this? How do you take care of yourself?

 

Thanks, all. :3

- Actually yes, it's true. Prochaska and DiClemente (1983) researched behaviour change theory and it's recognised that for someone to change themselves and their beliefs they have to be receptive to change. It they're not receptive to change (known as the pre-contemplative stage) then they will not change and can/will resist it at all opportunities. It's why in healthcare we have so many problems with promoting healthy lifestyles and positive health changes; unless people are contemplative (i.e. open to change) then they won't.

 

- It used to be too far; after finding out my ex-fiancee was cheating on me and we split up I still stuck around to help her settle and be happy with her new man. I'm not much better nowadays, but I'm a nurse and it's our job in life to go too far tongue.gif

 

- You don't know your limits until after you've crossed them and paid the price for it.

 

- I personally burn every bridge behind me and become rather selfish for a while, putting my needs before all others until the point where I am on an equilibrium again. At which point I go back to overdoing it.

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after finding out my ex-fiancee was cheating on me and we split up I still stuck around to help her settle and be happy with her new man.

 

That's...some major ridiculousness. I can't even begin to imagine doing that. I'm very curious...do you somehow think that makes you a good/better person? I can't wrap my head around the motive. Helping someone who deserves help is one thing, helping someone that just spit in your face...well, let's just say that I don't personally see that as noble, good or smart. It's mind boggling and imo, self destructive. I wouldn't respect myself if I helped someone 'be happy' with the person they cheated on me with, after they completely disrespected me, betrayed me and stomped my feelings into the dirt. Did this chick indicate she needed 'help'? If not, what were you doing and what possessed you to presume to do so? I don't get it. To me, in my eyes, helping such a person, even if they asked, and I can't imagine any reason why they would, wouldn't make me good, it would make me a fool.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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That's...some major ridiculousness. I can't even begin to imagine doing that. I'm very curious...do you somehow think that makes you a good/better person? I can't wrap my head around the motive. Helping someone who deserves help is one thing, helping someone that just spit in your face...well, let's just say that I don't personally see that as noble, good or smart. It's mind boggling and imo, self destructive. I wouldn't respect myself if I helped someone 'be happy' with the person they cheated on me with, after they completely disrespected me, betrayed me and stomped my feelings into the dirt. Did this chick indicate she needed 'help'? If not, what were you doing and what possessed you to presume to do so? I don't get it. To me, in my eyes, helping such a person, even if they asked, and I can't imagine any reason why they would, wouldn't make me good, it would make me a fool.

I can imagine doing that, if I loved someone. It wouldn't be something ongoing, after all - and if you love, you want the best outcome for the person you love. I can't see it as destructive. It might hurt - but it might also help with closure and moving on.

 

You are only a fool if you make yourself one.

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