Single and child free by choice

[Infinis]

Edit: This is basically what he said:

I never had doubts about our future until recently, when my wife made it clear that she does not want to have children. She has always made that clear, but when we met we were so young (he is 33 she is 32 now. They met around early 20's. Got married back in 2012) that I figured her views would change as we gained the financial means to support a family and her motherly instincts would come. While I would never force her to have children she doesn’t want, I also don’t know if I can be happy forfeiting my chance to be a father. I love my wife, and don’t want to leave her. But I’m still relatively young. Should I get out while I still have time to start over?

This bolded sentence is the "divorce or kids" line. By asking if he should get out while he still has time to start over, he is effectively saying "I want kids or no more marriage."

 

 

[whitebaron]

should have, would have...

people believe in change to the positive, who knows what was going on in his head back then?

 

@infinis: well, that is a far fetch from FORCING HER to have childs. Those kinds of decisions are done in relationships quite often, and some of them are real dealbreakers, others are not. force = violence = does not play into this.

[Kith]

A divorce, however, is just some paperwork. A footnote. Neither hard nor expensve to do, if both parties reach some kind of consent.

Wow, um. Divorce is usually part and parcel of ending the relationship, and even if there aren't kids involved, it can be very hard indeed. There's the residence to assign or liquidate (memories can make this painful, and the housing market may make selling difficult), the separation of material possessions (painful physical reminder of the death of the marriage), and if there are pets involved it can be as bad (emotionally speaking) as deciding custody for children.

 

The expense sort of depends on state divorce laws and how long it takes to reach an agreement, if there is one; and of course the ones that have to go to court are even more expensive.

 

ETA: Note the lack of gendered pronouns. The person(s) affected in these ways could be either or both parties, as even the instigator of the divorce could suffer negative emotional consequences from it.

 

Edited January 19, 2014 by Kith

[tenyasyugan]

It's emotionally manipulative force tho, which is something people often discredit. We don't know her financial or emotional situation and having someone pretty much say "you're not using your body the way I want you to so if you don't do what I want I'm leaving" is incredibly painful especially once you've already established a deep relationship with them.

 

This is pretty much why it's so dangerous [sometimes physically, most always emotionally] for people to try and hold onto their need/want to not have children in a situation where they want a deep relationship with another person.

[Infinis]

should have, would have...

people believe in change to the positive, who knows what was going on in his head back then?

 

@infinis: well, that is a far fetch from FORCING HER to have childs. Those kinds of decisions are done in relationships quite often, and some of them are real dealbreakers, others are not. force = violence = does not play into this.

No one is saying he is forcing her.

 

He is manipulating her by saying that he wants children or no more marriage. That's emotional and psychological manipulation, which is just as bad as direct force because either way it ends up a win/win for him (no more marriage with a woman who doesn't want kids so he can start over with a woman who does want kids) and lose/lose for her (losing a marriage to a man she loved and thought shared her views on children, or stays and has children she doesn't want).

 

 

[whitebaron]

i'm done with this one-sided "men are bad whatever they do" - topic. dont expect a further reply.

[hazeh]

i'm done with this one-sided "men are bad whatever they do" - topic. dont expect a further reply.

Well, I don't know where you get that, since literally no one has ever said that ever here.

Discussing the problems with this particular guy's manipulative behavior =/= all guys are bad.

 

 

[birdzgoboom]

In that particular situation, it seems as though the man IS manipulating the woman.

No one is saying that a woman can't manipulate a man, as well. Both ways is very much possible, especially with a topic as sensitive as having children can be.

No one has said all men are manipulative or terrible people.

 

I would like kids. I probably can't have any of my own without dying, though. The fun of health!

But I do not disrespect anyone who doesn't want any. It's ultimately your choice whether you want a kid or not. For anyone to try to force you one way or another is totally uncalled for. And that goes for any situation-- not just with children.

Edited January 19, 2014 by birdzgoboom

[Infinis]

i'm done with this one-sided "men are bad whatever they do" - topic. dont expect a further reply.

No one said men were bad. If a woman did this to a man, or men to men, or women to women, it's stupid just the same.

 

These issues should be worked out before you get married. Divorce is more often than not nasty, expensive, and time consuming.

 

This guy doesn't appear to have had malicious intent, but that doesn't change that he was stupid and naive for not speaking up before getting married to a woman he KNEW didn't want children. It doesn't change the fact that he was under the misguided impression that she would magically want children.

 

It also doesn't change the fact that he is manipulating her, intentionally or not, into having children or ending the marriage - because those are the only two choices here.

[BlitzDrake]

i'm done with this one-sided "men are bad whatever they do" - topic. dont expect a further reply.

No one was expecting a reply anyway. And we've pointed out that women have done the same things so what your saying is irrelevant.

 

Anyways. I don't understand why so many people think "Oh you'll change your mind when your older mentality". I'm sorry but I'm NOT in the right mental state to care for something I have been repulsed by since a teen. You'd think that my mom would quit hassling me cause hey, I'm older, ( 25 now)I still hate the notion of kids, pregnant..scratch that. I have a phobia of being both so if either of these would happen I would lose the rest of my frame of mind.

 

I believe it is necessary to talk to your gf/bf about all the subjects like this, where to live, if you want kids, and all of the other things so that instances like this won't happen. And if it's truly love then love means being compassionate and understand/empathetic to each other. So if one wanted kids and the other didn't then I believe that they could get across that bridge. At least the majority of marriages. You're supposed to, and should be open enough to tell them anything. And they should try to understand and help you.

Edited January 19, 2014 by BlightWyvern

[hazeh]

My girlfriend really wants kids, and we've had discussions about them a lot... but I really don't want any. At least, right now I'm very opposed to it. I live with a seven year old and a one year old and they drive me INSANE and I'm only the older sister, so I get to shrug off the responsibility nearly any time I want (when I'm not babysitting, of course). Kids are cute some times but I just don't think Gina understands how stressful they are. Being a big sister that is already so much older than my siblings (I'm twenty) is hard enough, I can't imagine having to put all my time and energy into something that just makes me upset. Not to mention the money aspect; since I want to be an English teacher and as a writer I'm very pessimistic as to whether I'll ever get published, I know I won't have a lot of money to spare, and I would much rather spend it on myself and my wife and our pets to have a fulfilled, happy life.

But she's really adamant about children, and a couple times mentioned to me that she wasn't sure if we should get married if our stance about having kids is so different. (We're not engaged, don't worry). We really want to get married some day, though, and she says she doesn't want to have children in her thirties, so that leaves about a five year time frame from graduation to our thirties to have at least one kid to make her happy.

That's in five years for me, and it scares me. I don't want to lose the woman I love over a potential brat I might not love. I feel like my life would be ruined either way.

 

*just realized my situation pertained to the one in discussion*

[Syaoransbear]

i'm done with this one-sided "men are bad whatever they do" - topic. dont expect a further reply.

It has nothing to do with him being a male. His gender is completely irrelevant. He could have been the woman's wife who wanted a child and it would still be manipulative behavior because manipulative behavior is not based on genitalia. Please offer evidence that we are blaming the entire male gender for this one person's manipulative behavior. Why are you defending him so adamantly? I didn't see you defending the female friend of mine who divorced her husband because she wanted children and he didn't.

 

If the sides were reversed and the woman was the one instigating the divorce because she wanted children people would be just as outraged. Like I said, a female friend of mine did this and everyone basically thought she was a gigantic idiot.

[renlacarne]

personally i see nothing wrong in not wanting to reproduce or adopt or be responsible for children as a parent

i personally would never be ready for that and i cannot see myself being a father in the future though that may change eventually

i am perfectly content to be an older brother and an uncle

 

[Rachel72]

For medical reasons, I shouldn't have children

[LupaWulf]

Nothing wrong with it.

 

The older I get, the less I even like being around children. Even my doctor apologized that they couldn't get a permanent birth control covered by the darn ripoff health insurance yet for a few more years.

 

Admittedly, the only good part of ending up with a chronic illness is reasoning people finally accept. 1. I don't want to stop my treatment for pregnancy.

2. When I get worse or get cancer down the road (from treatments) do they really think I want a kid to cope with too?

Plus my boyfriend was born with a heart issue and should have had a pacemaker since birth (he was 7 or so when the docs figured it out...)

 

 

Worst thing about not wanting children are the annoying coworkers who negate my life choices with a giggle, head shake, and, "Oh! You'll change your mind." Like I'm an idiot who can't handle making decisions. Or the way they shove their babies at me to hold them, as if I will magically convert. Nope.

I really despise the lack of respect. I started in on a couple who wouldn't leave me alone- being sarcastic about their reproductive choices. "Are you reallllllly sure you should be having another kid?" When they got offended I asked them how they think I feel when they insult me by questioning my choices so much. It worked on one lady. The other got more irritating, until I threatened to report her for sexual harassment since she was so interested in my reproductive choices. She stopped.

 

 

 

 

Apologies for so many edits. Autocorrect changed a bunch if things on me.

Edited November 11, 2014 by LupaWulf

[Starscream]

I am not a person who wants children - at all - ever. No one needs to say "oh if you get preggers it'll change." I know for a fact it won't.

 

I have known since I was a teenager that I would not want children. People told me "you're young it'll change. Now I am a year from 40, it hasn't.

 

I dated a guy who I said, flat out back in my late teens that "I do not want children." He tried to take me to friends who told me using the most colourful of metaphors how wonderful children are... I cannot repeat what they said here because it would get censor kipped, and well, quite frankly, it was revolting how they phrased it. Actually it really enforced my desire NOT to have them.

 

As it turned out, I learned from my mother he was asking what would be left for me in their will... I was appalled. Anyway I ended up letting him go because No. I was not having children. No, I was not going to become part of any church and, I don't even know what is in the will for me, so get your nose out of things that are not of your concern.

 

I suppose I could have remained single, but I like quiet companionship. Marriage is something that was done, in my case, as a means of keeping my favourite person near. Being that he was from a different country he'd have to leave. Marriage enabled us to get a special dispensation in order for him to remain and we can keep each other's company. We have been married for 17 years.

 

I told him I did not want children and he is fine with that. He is happy not to have children as well. Although I know he'd make a good dad. I ask him every couple years to make sure he suddenly has not changed his mind. Although I really don't want kids, if he really did, I would. He understands my reasoning for not wanting kids - details which I won't get into here.

 

If a person who wants kids knows the other does not want kids, they really need to reconsider their relationship. One side will have to cave in and accept the other's desires. Be this having children, or accepting not having children.

 

It is so very important that if one of the partners is seriously unwaveringly not wanting children to let it be known. Change in hormones will not affect the change in mind. The result will be one partner feeling forced or the other partner feeling incomplete, if discussed early enough, it may be enough time for them to realise - this relationship won't work out - before real heartache/break sets in. Easier said than done. Love is one of those emotions that can really cloud your mind.

 

In regards to the man who wants out so he can start over... He truly should have thought that before he asked her to marry him. If she made it abundantly clear then that she had no intent of having children, then that was his cue to find another partner. Because when it comes down to it. He's not the poor sap who has to carry the child for 9 months and have it mess with the hormones/head for that time. It is not her fault, if she made it abundantly clear, that he pursued a relationship that would inevitably end badly because of differing future desires.

 

I have a friend who was in a similar boat. She wanted children, she had a fairly handsome guy. But he did not want to marry her and have children unless she converted to his religion. They were together for nearly 10 years. Being a woman who wanted children in her case, she has a biological clock going against her. She is the same age as me, just about 10 days younger. She eventually met a man she really liked and parted ways with the other guy. She is married and has a child now and she now feels fulfilled. He was, in this case, holding her at ransom - convert or no kids. Fortunately she was not bound by any marriage agreement and she could walk away.

 

Family... aren't those the fun factors. "when are you having children?" "will I be a grandparent soon?" my answers are "Likely never" and "don't you already have two grandchildren?" My husband has sisters and two have kids. I don't think the third one is eager any time soon. My mother knows my decision and really has not even bothered me to reproduce. She has one grandaughter and is happy. my mum actually "can't see" me with children.

 

And yes, for some reason people think its funny when a couple choose not to. Why is it any of thier concern if a person decides to have children. I am not walking up to them asking them "why on earth would you want to have those icky things for." I did have some acquaintances who said "have kids you'll love it." "Have my fist in your nose, You'll love it!"

 

Whitebaron, its not "men are bad". The problem is pressure be it man pressuring woman, or woman pressuring man neither case is good. A man has no business to demand a women to bear him children if she has no desire for it. since, as I stated above, he's not the sap having to carry it.

 

If technology allowed a man to carry the child, if my husband wanted a child and this technology existed, by all means he can have an egg from me, and incubate it until it goes to term. But I am not going through that process myself.

 

tl:dr version: Married and childless with reasons.

 

[edwardelricfreak]

I do not want children, at least not in this point in time. It's highly likely I may *never* have nor want children since I might never feel ready and would rather not have to deal with a very mutable, resource-demanding creature. Who knows how the child will turn out? Even with strict discipline, what if they hate me, choose to rebel, or turn out to be a horrible serial killer? And of course, it might sound bad, but I do NOT want to end up being the parent of a 'special needs' child. It's not because I'm "ableist" or any other nonsensical crap- I simply wouldn't know how to handle the situation, it would be VERY expensive, and even with the help I know I wouldn't enjoy myself. It is simply not a position I would ever want to take.

 

In ANY case, I wouldn't want a child without *tons* of help from the rest of my family. I wouldn't try to force the child on them but there's no way I would ever just do it by myself or just do it with my SO. I have no clue what I'd be doing and, as they say, it takes a village to raise a child.

 

I will admit that sometimes I daydream about the possibility of having a child, mostly for mental preparation in case that day ever comes rather than wishing I had one. I know my bf at this time does not want children and doesn't foresee wanting any anytime soon. I can't particularly see him as being the "fatherly" type anyway; not because he isn't very mature or anything, but simply because he's not very good at handling children in any situation as he tends to freeze up and not know what to do (though it seems like little kids generally LOVE him, for some reason?). I don't blame him, I really don't know what to do, either. At least for him, he's lucky that children just seem to generally like him; I've never really been in a situation where children enjoyed being around me.

 

If I want a "child" I think I can make do plenty with pets- I LOVE animals and I think, if I ever got to the point where I wanted children but my SO didn't but I didn't see much need to leave them, that having animals around would be more than sufficient for me. A cat or two and/or some dogs would be plenty for me, and wouldn't be quite as resource-draining!

 

Besides, I think it's better that I refrain from adding MORE to an already-booming population. If I did want a child, I think I would heavily consider adopting, as I'd rather not be pregnant and there are simply too many children in foster care that never leave the system.

[LupaWulf]

Here's a really cool blog post a friend of mine linked me to years ago when she was pregnant with her first daughter. She's a very cool friend who understands how I feel while being a wonderful parent.

 

http://www.fluentself.com/blog/stuff/bolivia/

 

It's a wonderful take on childfree and happy.

[bluesonic1]

I really don't want to children and I'm also single by choice, although I am also asexual And yes, I get a lot of flack too from people because apparently working, having kids and making a family is people's entire purpose in life. Personally, I just feel like I have more in life to dedicate myself to than to follow in what everyone else is doing.

 

Don't listen to the criticisms from those people You do what your heart tells you to and live life the way you want to. Ultimately, you're the only one who has to live with the consequences of your actions, not anyone else.

[Tazzay]

Oh, man. If I had a dollar for every time I am asked "when are you going to have children?" or "are you going to give us grandkids/great-grandkids?" i'd be bathing in money.

 

I never want to have children, I don't like them, they're loud, completely dependent on you and they can end up rebelling and doing a load of other bad things. Just, please....no. And I wish family members would stop asking. I'd take away my ability to have children if I could.

 

I mean, yes, I have a girlfriend - but she doesn't want children either, so it's something we have in common. I just wish people wouldn't ask us when we're going to have children, because we're not. And i'm only seventeen.

 

Having a child would only destroy my already fragile mental state. How am I supposed to care for a human child when I can barely care for myself? I wouldn't be able to do that...besides, apparently mental illness can be passed on through families, too - and I would definitely not want to possibly pass on what I have to a child, it'd be almost cruel.

 

I'd prefer pets as children, they're much easier to care for and certainly cost less. I have a pet cockatiel, one I raised from a chick, that I consider my child, because i'm the only parent he knows. I love animals, they can be SO much more understanding than people at times, and can help you heal. Along with my bird, i'd love a cat, too. I adore cats, they're quiet animals and largely independent, and they also come in a whole range of breeds and colours, just like birds. Pets are the only children for me. No humans, thanks.

 

And like Sci said - I wouldn't want to add on to the ridiculously huge population, either. There are plenty of homeless children in need of adoption.

Edited November 11, 2014 by Tazzay

[Brotato]

I'd hate to admit it, but I'm married to my job, and the internet is my mistress. I have huge plans and am currently working on making them a reality. I want to travel the world and see what it's like, which is exactly why I'm studying for my master's in naval navigation, with a degree in programming in the works through independent tutoring and courses.

 

I can never see myself settling down anywhere, because if I sit still for far too long in the same area, I start getting depressed and unfulfilled. It's agitating enough having to be here to study instead of already traveling, but I know I need that stupid piece of paper declaring that some bigoted bloated oldfart USSR engineers and officers approve of my abilities, for me to be able to apply for work as something that doesn't involve a three figure monthly salary and lots of toilet scrubbing.

 

The only place I ever called home recently was here, on the internet. Because despite being stationary, I have access to all the information I could ever ask for or concerns me, and all the people I want to talk to.

 

...now try putting a ball and chain on someone like me. If I'm ever forced to stay put and raise a child for the rest of my life, I'd rather hang myself then live like that. It works for plenty of people, yes. I know. But I just don't want that. My family expects that, my friends are doing that, but I don't want that. And I sure as hell am not going to pay money to support a child I hardly ever see too. What's it gonna think when it grows up if I'm not there for it? "Daddy was too busy going places to spend time with me! He's the bestest ever!" I don't think so.

 

And I know I'm not some unique snowflake, there are plenty of people like me out there.

And to some extent, that brings me great relief. I'm going to Rome this Christmas vacation, and I can't wait to see it! SO EXCITED!

Edited November 11, 2014 by Brotato

[MedievalMystic]

Both of my sons, who are in their 20's, insist they never want kids. Ever. Not for any reason. Their life, their decision. So be it. I don't have a right to call them on it. It's not my life.

[Lumikkja]

My sister (14) has already decided she doesn't want kids. My mom thinks she'll change her mind. I don't know what goes on in my sister's head sometimes. As for me... I haven't even figured out how these odd things called 'boyfriends' are supposed to function. Yeah, marriage + kids is not something even remotely attached to my brain. I think there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids, it's not anyone else's choice but yours. Other people just need to butt out and go do something else with their lives other than order other people around.

[Starscream]

Having a child would only destroy my already fragile mental state. How am I supposed to care for a human child when I can barely care for myself? I wouldn't be able to do that...besides, apparently mental illness can be passed on through families, too - and I would definitely not want to possibly pass on what I have to a child, it'd be almost cruel.

 

The fact you identify a problem and would prefer to spare a child this sort of life is golden of you. Essentially I have chosen for a similar reason. My choice is partly based on the fact I have a violent temper and I would be very upset if I hurt a child - or another feeling human being.

 

It is difficult when people expect children from you. They have a hard time accepting someone in the family has chosen to be the end of their line. Sometimes it's the fact we really don't like children they can't get their heads around. I have had people say "you were a child once." Sometimes I respond with a shrug, sometimes I say I came fully adult and sometimes I respond with "I may have been a kid does not automatically make me like kids. (Mostly the fact I didn't act child-like when I was a kid. I just act childlike - as an adult )

 

If you are seventeen, then they really need to back off and let you enjoy your youth. Go out there in the world, learn new things, go to college - if you can - go later if you can't right now. (I went to college at 37 - not having kids was a help here) See the world if that if your thing.

 

And you know what? Pets are awesome. I see my pets as my kids. I prefer animals to people too.

 

 

Edit:

Lumikkja: I am still not sure how the male half of the relationship is supposed to function. I just keep mine around because he makes me smile.

Edited November 11, 2014 by Starscream

[MoonShark]

Both of my sons, who are in their 20's, insist they never want kids. Ever. Not for any reason. Their life, their decision. So be it. I don't have a right to call them on it. It's not my life.

We need more people with your mindset in this world. So many busybodies insisting they know what's best for someone when they don't.

 

For a very long time I wasn't interested in having a relationship. Now that I do have a boyfriend, I've made it clear from the beginning that I'm not interested in having kids. His mom and mine have both made comments once or twice (or more) about grandkids (actually, I think our dads have too, on separate occasions) I've done my best to be clear that I am not interested and never will be.

 

Why? Well, being the female side of the equation is part of it. So is my not liking kids. Or babies. *shudders* All that crying and whining and diapers... Just. No.

 

I have a friend who actually wants babies and a family and we both sort of think each other is crazy, but we don't pressure one another or anything, or really bring it up much, except in a nice, joking way that neither of us seem to mind (I don't, she doesn't act like she does, and she usually brings it up.)