Single and child free by choice

[prairiecrow]

All i will say to this thread is that you should never say never, as you don`t know what life will bring you. Even if you say now that you don`t want one thing later in life you may change your views, and no i am not saying you should change them or that you will change them, i`m saying that it can happen, so you can never be to sure it wont happen to you.

*sigh*

 

I know that I don't want to get cancer.

 

Similarly, I've always known that I don't want to get pregnant. To me, it's a disease, a condition that feels hideously unnatural, and when I was actually pregnant I spent every waking moment wanting to kill myself.

 

So yes, some people do actually know that this is not something they want. Ever. Period, end of sentence.

Edited September 29, 2013 by prairiecrow

[Amberfly]

I was around 10 years old when I decided I didn't want kids. It isn't genetic issues, I just don't like young children and I think I'd make a horrible parent for many reasons. Ever since then, people (mostly strangers or acquaintances--my family respects my decision) have been telling me things like "You'll change your mind when you're older", "Your husband might want kids", "If you're around others' kids you'll start to want your own" etc.

 

And guess what? I'm coming up on 23 and I've never once wavered in that decision--a lot of things about my life outlook have changed in 13 years, but never that. I have a niece who's in her preteens now, and I was present when she was an infant, a toddler, and a young child. She's well-behaved, polite, and intelligent, but I still didn't like kids and didn't want to be around even her when she was at those ages. And every time I'm around children of any age, it reinforces my conviction that I don't want my own. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2+ years and have discussed our future many times. We want to get married after college, but guess what? Neither of us wants children. Ever. The relationship would not have worked out long-term if we didn't agree on this, no matter how compatible we were otherwise.

 

I realize that some people do in fact change their minds about relationships and about children, but many do not. No one should feel pressured to have a family if they don't want one, or to have a child just for the sake of having a child. For me it seems a relationship but no kids is the right way, but that's certainly not the only way, and I wouldn't dream of telling someone their choice to have or not to have children was wrong.

[HeatherMarie]

All i will say to this thread is that you should never say never, as you don`t know what life will bring you. Even if you say now that you don`t want one thing later in life you may change your views, and no i am not saying you should change them or that you will change them, i`m saying that it can happen, so you can never be to sure it wont happen to you.

So..... You know me and my future better then I do, then? If you know something I don't, please tell me. If you have a crystal ball and know my future and see children, please tell me. Otherwise DO NOT ASSUME large generalizations about people you don't know.

 

I have, in the past, had *actual mental breakdowns* because of something as "small" as an IV IN MY ARM. My chart at the hospital now actually WARNS of that.

I am also a recovering anorexic and avoid scales like the PLAGUE. Gaining FIVE POUNDS usually ends up with weeks of hysterical crying, hatred of every single part of my body, and at least a week-long starvation.

 

Does THAT sound like I will EVER want to risk pregnancy? Uh, NO.

[Draco Knight]

I'd be an awesome mom and wife. I know motherhood would suit me very well, and being pregnant doesn't scare or intimidate me in the least beyond what I'd deem normal.

 

 

However, at 24 and for as long as I can remember I've never wanted to have a child or get married. It doesn't bother me when people tell me to give it time, as I know myself. I just shrug and say, "Maybe you're right." It's not a complete lie, but it also isn't the truth and nobody argues with me over it. Not everyone who doesn't want kids is afraid of pregnancy or of raising a child; some, like myself, simply have no desire to have a child.

 

I have no desire to marry, either, but I think the right person could convince me. I would be perfectly happy sharing my life forever with the right person, but it would take a lot of coaxing to get me to marry someone. Taxes would probably be a big reason I'd marry someone.

[whitebaron]

While people who try to tell you what to do are definitely annoying, I think saying "and I'll never change my mind" is as bad.

 

As for eri: well your mum has paid probably lots of stuff for you, because she loves you. Its hard to understand, but if you actually want to have kids and are lucky enough to actually, you know, have one, money is really unimportant compared to your kids happyness.

 

(st least thats in "normal" families)

[prairiecrow]

While people who try to tell you what to do are definitely annoying, I think saying "and I'll never change my mind" is as bad.

Why would it be? If somebody knows themselves well enough to be confident in their own opinions, how is that "annoying"? (Except to people who think they can tell us to "wait and see", that is...)

[eritated]

As for eri: well your mum has paid probably lots of stuff for you, because she loves you. Its hard to understand, but if you actually want to have kids and are lucky enough to actually, you know, have one, money is really unimportant compared to your kids happyness.

 

(st least thats in "normal" families)

Well yes, but I have a ton of medical issues, and I've cost them a lot more money than a "normal" child would. I wouldn't want to 1) pass down those medical issues to another person and 2) be short on cash because of the expensive medical bills. It'd obviously not be the child's fault, but still /:

[prairiecrow]

As for eri: well your mum has paid probably lots of stuff for you, because she loves you. Its hard to understand, but if you actually want to have kids and are lucky enough to actually, you know, have one, money is really unimportant compared to your kids happyness.

 

(st least thats in "normal" families)

Actually, back up, because I missed this part.

 

This strikes me as somewhat elitist, in that it assumes that any family or parent HAS the disposable income to deal with ANY significant medical bills that might crop up. Especially in the USA, where the simplest medical procedure can rack up one heck of a bill, that is so far from right it's honestly not funny.

 

In my opinion deciding not to have a child because you couldn't manage the medical bills, or would have to give the child a seriously reduced quality of life otherwise in order to cover the medical bills, is a perfectly responsible decision to make.

Edited September 30, 2013 by prairiecrow

[eritated]

Actually, back up, because I missed this part.

 

This strikes me as somewhat elitist, in that it assumes that any family or parent HAS the disposable income to deal with ANY significant medical bills that might crop up. Especially in the USA, where the simplest medical procedure can rack up one heck of a bill, that is so far from right it's honestly not funny.

 

In my opinion deciding not to have a child because you couldn't manage the medical bills, or would have to give the child a seriously reduced quality of life otherwise in order to cover the medical bills, is a perfectly responsible decision to make.

Yes, medical bills are insanely expensive. My parents have already shelled out over $8500 for my medical bills, and all my damn meds, just this year. I can't even imagine how much I've cost them total. But that was also due to me being hospitalized for a week, which doesn't happen too often. I haven't even had a surgery this year, which is a pretty big accomplishment for me. My 8th surgery, which was two summers ago, was around $40,000.

[Cecona]

I'm not sure if it counts as high or low on a "spectrum", but she does talk to people. A lot. But the stuff she says is kind of odd and just... weird? I guess? You ask her how her day was, she'll say "Fine", drop the subject completely and then go on and on for hours about The Fairly OddParents and cats and all that stuff. I don't think she'll end up in a relationship because I don't think anyone will relate to or find interest in Timmy Turner getting grounded grounded grounded grounded grounded for 3942397492 centuries.

That actually sounds like it could be Asperger's/High Functioning Autism. I have Asperger's myself and I can assure you she will not have trouble finding a relationship. How old did you say she was, 8? She still has several years before she will probably even think about dating.

[whitebaron]

 

This strikes me as somewhat elitist, in that it assumes that any family or parent HAS the disposable income to deal with ANY significant medical bills that might crop up. Especially in the USA, where the simplest medical procedure can rack up one heck of a bill, that is so far from right it's honestly not funny

I said, that if you want kids and then have one, money will be a lot less important than your kids health. Eri is indeed a good example of that. Besides: that you need to pay for medical, is an utterly alien priciple to me, I always forget how backwards the us is in that regard.

 

 

As for your previous point, well: look at how agressive many people (you, marie) try to say I will NEVER change my mind. Human nature is change. People who are sick may want kids and still dont get any due to reason winning out, So much stuff happens over the course of 20, 30, 40 years, and while I respect current opinions, I dont respect people who cripple their human nature by saying never. If you never change your mind, good. If you change your mind, also good.

[prairiecrow]

I said, that if you want kids and then have one, money will be a lot less important than your kids health. Eri is indeed a good example of that. Besides: that you need to pay for medical, is an utterly alien priciple to me, I always forget how backwards the us is in that regard.

 

 

As for your previous point, well: look at how agressive many people (you, marie) try to say I will NEVER change my mind. Human nature is change. People who are sick may want kids and still dont get any due to reason winning out, So much stuff happens over the course of 20, 30, 40 years, and while I respect current opinions, I dont respect people who cripple their human nature by saying never. If you never change your mind, good. If you change your mind, also good.

So, people who are gay and say they would never consider going out with a person of the opposite sex... you have no respect for them? 0_o

 

Perhaps we haven't made it clear that for some of us, the desire to not have children is pretty much identical to that statement, in that it's an inbuilt preference with the force of instinct. I'm coming up on fifty years old, I've never wanted kids, and all my life I've been perfectly confident in the fact that I never WOULD want them.

 

Sorry, but some of know ourselves well enough to predict when something about us isn't going to change.

[eritated]

I said, that if you want kids and then have one, money will be a lot less important than your kids health. Eri is indeed a good example of that. Besides: that you need to pay for medical, is an utterly alien priciple to me, I always forget how backwards the us is in that regard.

Money isn't that big a deal to us because we have a fair amount, so my medical bills are not causing us to not be able to pay other bills, buy food, et cetera. But to others, who don't make a decent amount of money, it is/will be an issue.

[Pokemonfan13]

It's this whole "you'll change your mind" crap that makes it so hard for a woman to get herself sterilized. From what has been said in the abortion thread, even a middle aged woman with kids can have to fight. Thanks to that feeling, the chances of me getting sterilized at 23 and childless are slim to none.

 

Sure, try to make me think long and hard about it to make sure there isn't a single doubt, but don't deny it to me because I might change my mind. It is my choice, and if I regret it later I'll regret it and adopt. It isn't the right of someone else to dictate what I do.

 

And this is especially true of all the people who have phobias about pregnancy or have other reasons that pregnancy would seriously damage their mind/risk their life [either by complication or suicide]. They have very very good reasons to have babies permanently off the table, and the best way to do that is to have their tubes tied.

 

 

 

Once I have enough money [currently jobless...] I'm going to try to get my tubes tied, preferably my whole uterus out so I don't have to deal with those periods any more [currently taking shots of depo-something that gets 90% of them, but if I'm going to have to continue birth control after tube tying anyways to nix the periods there's not really any point]. If they try to say "no" I'm going to raise a biiiig ruckus.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Pokemonfan13

[prairiecrow]

It's this whole "you'll change your mind" crap that makes it so hard for a woman to get herself sterilized. From what has been said in the abortion thread, even a middle aged woman with kids can have to fight. Thanks to that feeling, the chances of me getting sterilized at 23 and childless are slim to none.

 

Sure, try to make me think long and hard about it to make sure there isn't a single doubt, but don't deny it to me because I might change my mind. It is my choice, and if I regret it later I'll regret it and adopt. It isn't the right of someone else to dictate what I do.

This, basically. It's awful that women aren't permitted to control their reproductive destiny because some people (who probably mean well, but still) are dead convinced that we "don't know our own minds" and are mistaken when we insist that no, we really DO NOT WANT CHILDREN.

 

More listening to women and less talking over them is needed, IMO.

[whitebaron]

@prairie: well, just because you were right about kids does not make the inflexibility of those statements any better. Same applies for gay (or heteros) who absolutely refuse to consider that anything about their inclinations might change.

 

@pf13: thats the kind of statement I think is reasonable - you know what you want now AND that you might have to suck it up if you ever change your mind.

 

As for your plan: if there's no real medical indication, make sure you know all the risks and consequences. Its not like they can undo anything about it.

[Syaoransbear]

All i will say to this thread is that you should never say never, as you don`t know what life will bring you. Even if you say now that you don`t want one thing later in life you may change your views, and no i am not saying you should change them or that you will change them, i`m saying that it can happen, so you can never be to sure it wont happen to you.

Unless I got a personality transplant and also had all of my memories of children wiped from my brain, that's not going to happen. And I don't want it to happen. I'd actually like to make the decision for myself right now to never have kids while I'm sane and logical rather than 10 years down the road when I'm bored with my life and being consumed by hormones from my body's instinctual desire to reproduce.

[HeatherMarie]

@prairie: well, just because you were right about kids does not make the inflexibility of those statements any better. Same applies for gay (or heteros) who absolutely refuse to consider that anything about their inclinations might change.

 

@pf13: thats the kind of statement I think is reasonable - you know what you want now AND that you might have to suck it up if you ever change your mind.

 

As for your plan: if there's no real medical indication, make sure you know all the risks and consequences. Its not like they can undo anything about it.

Personally, I think you are the one being "inflexible". For SOME reason you can't seem to accept that OTHER PEOPLE might actually *know* something about themselves for *sure*. To me, THAT is being inflexible. You are telling us that WE DON'T KNOW OURSELVES and that, apparently, you know us better then we do because YOU know that "people change".

 

Yunno what? Not everyone DOES change. I grew up with an alcoholic father. He never changed. I grew up with an uncle who hated his dad (my grandpa), and that never changed. My first grade teacher had never been married; I am STILL in contact with her (21 years later) and THAT has not changed.

 

It's frankly insulting to say that you "don't respect" people who don't consider change, *including gays and hetrosexuals*. So every single straight friend you have, if you were to ask them if they'd ever consider kissing someone of the same sex, and they said no, you wouldn't respect them anymore? I'm just..... I just can't even wrap my mind around this.

 

As I tried to explain before, I have *FREQUENT RELAPSES* of a DEADLY ILLNESS because of body image issues. Getting pregnant WOULD MEAN ME KILLING MYSELF and no I am not joking in the slightest. So no, I WILL NEVER have children. I am not mentally stable enough to care for children in the first place (NEVER have been). And that's not going to magically change one day.

[whitebaron]

It's frankly insulting to say that you "don't respect" people who don't consider change, *including gays and hetrosexuals*. So every single straight friend you have, if you were to ask them if they'd ever consider kissing someone of the same sex, and they said no, you wouldn't respect them anymore? I'm just..... I just can't even wrap my mind around this.

Why would I ever ask them such a trick question if it did not come up naturally? The logical answer to such an unwarranted question would be maniacal laughter or silence, unless there would be some reason to talk about it in the first place.

 

And yes, its the way I work - Life is Change, and thats true for everyone. Just because your father is an alcoholic, does not mean he's all the time the same bad (stupors can be a nice thing), or that you saty with him forever. You are just searching for examples that you have in your experience, that did not change - but there are many that can be made or invented, where stuff does change.

 

 

[keijaidyyn]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or even not wanting a relationship. While I do personally want a relationship one day, I'm going to need a very specific type of partner since I am demisexual and have trust issues when I try to get close to people. I do not want children due to a whole slew of heritable disorders mostly consisting of autoimmune disorders. I also potentially carry the genetic marker for hemochromatosis and have a family history of thyroid issues, diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, various respiratory disorders, endometriosis, degenerative disc disease, and a variety of mental health problems.

 

...To say the least, my genetic history is *not* optimal for producing a healthy child. I am still too young to show signs of quite a few of the diseases that exist in my genetic history, so I'm actually likely to have a lot more than what I'm currently suffering. If I ever "change my mind" like my mother seems to think I will or end up in a relationship with a partner who wants a child, we will either use a donor egg or adopt. It's that simple.

[Moonlightelf]

Knowing myself well enough, I am confident about saying that I will never want children. It is not going to change, since I am barely able to take care of myself, not to mention that I tend to do things on my own and not care from other people at times. This kind of thing would only lead me neglecting my own child, if such would ever exist.

 

Plus, giving a child to adoption isn't an option for me either. Why? Having child come up years later to want to meet their biological mother/father, who never wanted them and doesn't still want to deal with them would only hurt them.

 

I am too much of epicurean/hedonist/voluptuary/whatever of life to have things disturb me too much. Not to mention that being an introvert at times doesn't help much the situation. Therefore, I've actually thought about getting tubes tied up or completely cut to avoid such questions if there ever comes one. Once the money issue has been taken care of.

 

Relationships... would be really lovely if the future significant other wouldn't want kids either. Otherwise the man can be as sweet and gentle as they can, but if digesting the fact that I don't ever want kids is too hard, they can go and get someone else. And can remain as my friend if possible.

 

Harsh and self-centered, probably, but I rather be childless than be a parent, who never loved their child.

[TikindiDragon]

And yes, its the way I work - Life is Change, and thats true for everyone. Just because your father is an alcoholic, does not mean he's all the time the same bad (stupors can be a nice thing), or that you saty with him forever. You are just searching for examples that you have in your experience, that did not change - but there are many that can be made or invented, where stuff does change.

Uh, fyi for a lot of people it's really isn't. Changes do happen during your teens, yes, but once patterns are set by your mid-20's they're very unlikely to change drastically.

 

I have a form of High Functioning Autism, and I have massive issues with change. For me change has no part in my life wherever I can avoid it.

 

So, no, telling me "Oh you'll probably change your mind" is both insulting, disturbing, and trying to force your normality onto me.

[prairiecrow]

Why would I ever ask them such a trick question if it did not come up naturally? The logical answer to such an unwarranted question would be maniacal laughter or silence, unless there would be some reason to talk about it in the first place.

 

And yes, its the way I work - Life is Change, and thats true for everyone. Just because your father is an alcoholic, does not mean he's all the time the same bad (stupors can be a nice thing), or that you saty with him forever. You are just searching for examples that you have in your experience, that did not change - but there are many that can be made or invented, where stuff does change.

If you don't mind my asking... how old are you?

 

I'm not trying to be insulting, I'm genuinely curious, because that seems like something a younger person would say (who perhaps hasn't had a lot of life experience yet and therefore hasn't seen a lot of examples, in their own life or the lives of others, of things that genuinely will not change).

 

ETA: Also, I think I'm going to put that statement up on my FB, and see what my followers (many of them around my age) have to say on the subject. Perhaps they'll have some interesting perspectives to offer.

Edited September 30, 2013 by prairiecrow

[MedievalMystic]

I'm not really sure why anyone would have any problem with people that simply don't want kids. Who cares if they don't? It's their life. I have two son's, ages 25 and 21. Both of them say they'll never have kids. They don't want them. Ok. I've said the same...you might change your mind...but no, not according to them. I'm not going to argu with them about it. I'm certainly not going to dog them and nag them. People have an absolute right to live life as they please and see fit as grown adults and others should respect that.

 

 

[Wookieinmashoo]

All i will say to this thread is that you should never say never, as you don`t know what life will bring you. Even if you say now that you don`t want one thing later in life you may change your views, and no i am not saying you should change them or that you will change them, i`m saying that it can happen, so you can never be to sure it wont happen to you.

First time posting here, and I agree that people can change their views. That's just a fact of life that doesn't require to be pointed out.

 

I don't like eating onions now, but I might change later. I know that and people changing just happens. But when someone showing you a baby is the equivalent of someone showing you their own feces, it's safe to assume that won't happen for some.

 

EDIT: mouse hating me again.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Wookieinmashoo