Single and child free by choice

[Ælex]

I'm 22, uncommitted, employed, happily living my life with my dog in the countryside.

Do I consider myself ever becoming a father?

...

No. I'm simply too selfish to become a dad.

Currently I live in something I can easily describe as paradise.

I have all the friends that I need for companionship.

All the money I need to be happy and most importantly:

All the time in the world.

My well-paid job aside, I spend the rest of my time doing whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want.

I've taken to music, videogames, movies and surfing the web for my personal time.

Sports-wise I frequent the gym and practice kickboxing on weekends.

I study foreign languages and tend to my pepper garden when I have even more free time. I grow small peppers since I am quite fond of spicy foods. I really like the peppers I grow, and so do my neighbors since I share with them on every harvest.

I am happy.

 

But, ofcourse, there's always this nosy neighbor or relative who thinks I just HAVE to give it all up, everything I worked for, and completely change my lifestyle, just because it's my biological purpose to 'pass on my genes', to quote directly from the conversation I had a few weeks back on the subject.

 

I am a selfish person.

I care only for myself and my parents, but only because they gave me an upbringing to be happy with. I feel indebted to them, and I don't leave debts unsettled. I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. It doesn't matter how much these annoying acquaintances push, it doesn't matter how much my parents push, I've made a happy life for myself, and am confident in my ability to preserve it alone.

 

Ofcourse, the whole sex-life issue is usually addressed when the topic comes up, but honestly, I have that too. Sometimes I feel bad to just hit and run, as some girls might have had deeper feelings for me than I've had for them, but that's life isn't it? It's unfair.

 

I'm a selfish person, but I am happy.

I just wish these annoying nosy people would just understand that.

 

Lately, I was told "Oh you're still young, you'll grow out of it and settle soon enough." again, as if there's no alternative.

Whether or not that's right, I couldn't care less. I just wish I'd be permitted to enjoy my life as it is without unwanted comments on it.

 

To those of you who are in a similar situation, I understand your frustration completely.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Ælex

[Syaoransbear]

I don't really see how choosing to be childfree is so selfish but having children isn't selfish. Forcing another human into existence for your own amusement seems pretty selfish to me.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Syaoransbear

[BlitzDrake]

I'm 22, uncommitted, employed, happily living my life with my dog in the countryside.

Do I consider myself ever becoming a father?

...

No. I'm simply too selfish to become a dad.

Currently I live in something I can easily describe as paradise.

I have all the friends that I need for companionship.

All the money I need to be happy and most importantly:

All the time in the world.

My well-paid job aside, I spend the rest of my time doing whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want.

I've taken to music, videogames, movies and surfing the web for my personal time.

Sports-wise I frequent the gym and practice kickboxing on weekends.

I study foreign languages and tend to my pepper garden when I have even more free time. I grow small peppers since I am quite fond of spicy foods. I really like the peppers I grow, and so do my neighbors since I share with them on every harvest.

I am happy.

 

But, ofcourse, there's always this nosy neighbor or relative who thinks I just HAVE to give it all up, everything I worked for, and completely change my lifestyle, just because it's my biological purpose to 'pass on my genes', to quote directly from the conversation I had a few weeks back on the subject.

 

I am a selfish person.

I care only for myself and my parents, but only because they gave me an upbringing to be happy with. I feel indebted to them, and I don't leave debts unsettled. I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. It doesn't matter how much these annoying acquaintances push, it doesn't matter how much my parents push, I've made a happy life for myself, and am confident in my ability to preserve it alone.

 

Ofcourse, the whole sex-life issue is usually addressed when the topic comes up, but honestly, I have that too. Sometimes I feel bad to just hit and run, as some girls might have had deeper feelings for me than I've had for them, but that's life isn't it? It's unfair.

 

I'm a selfish person, but I am happy.

I just wish these annoying nosy people would just understand that.

 

Lately, I was told "Oh you're still young, you'll grow out of it and settle soon enough." again, as if there's no alternative.

Whether or not that's right, I couldn't care less. I just wish I'd be permitted to enjoy my life as it is without unwanted comments on it.

 

To those of you who are in a similar situation, I understand your frustration completely.

Nah, you're not selfish. You just aren't one of those people that conform to the ideals that soceity dictates.

I know that feel; being called selfish because you don't want to ruin your life for something like that. I've been called selfish for not wanting kids and "ending the lineage". First off, people can mind their own business about YOU'RE personal choices. Oh and the whole "you'll change when you're older" schpeel. In some cases maybe, but it's no ones place to point it out, they don't know their life, situation, how they feel about things.

You're amazing the way you are

[HeatherMarie]

I don't really see how choosing to be childfree is so selfish but having children isn't selfish. Forcing another human into existence for your own amusement seems pretty selfish to me.

Very good point.

[Mousia]

Very good point.

It's a natural instinct for animals to reproduce. It's not selfish, it's biology. Humans are more complicated than most animals, but the instinct should always be there in at least part of the population. Otherwise, it'd die out.

 

EDIT: I'm not a biology/human nature expert. Don't quote me on it. Just my opinion.

Edited October 10, 2013 by Mousia

[prairiecrow]

It's a natural instinct for animals to reproduce. It's not selfish, it's biology. Humans are more complicated than most animals, but the instinct should always be there in at least part of the population. Otherwise, it'd die out.

 

EDIT: I'm not a biology/human nature expert. Don't quote me on it. Just my opinion.

So, where do you stand on those of us who have no instinct to reproduce, and in fact feel revulsion toward the prospect? (That isn't an attack, I'm genuinely curious.)

[MysticTiger]

It's a natural instinct for animals to reproduce. It's not selfish, it's biology. Humans are more complicated than most animals, but the instinct should always be there in at least part of the population. Otherwise, it'd die out.

 

EDIT: I'm not a biology/human nature expert. Don't quote me on it. Just my opinion.

But, the difference is people don't reproduce simply because they're biologically set to do so to survive like animals. Otherwise everyone would just be randomly having sex with everyone and having children constantly. People have children for reasons. For emotional reasons, for family reasons, as a result of a sexual assault, for selfish reasons or simply as a mistake. By stating that it's "natural instinct" is ignoring the very basis of what humans are.

 

It's not human nature to simply reproduce.

[Ælex]

So, where do you stand on those of us who have no instinct to reproduce, and in fact feel revulsion toward the prospect? (That isn't an attack, I'm genuinely curious.)

You are likely referring to asexuals.

While not being one myself and having never met one such person before, I personally would treat them the same way I treat homosexuals, or bisexuals, or pansexuals. It's simply their sexuality, it doesn't speak for their quality as a person, only their personal preference in something so insignificant in the big picture that it's barely relevant.

[7Deadly$ins]

You are likely referring to asexuals.

While not being one myself and having never met one such person before, I personally would treat them the same way I treat homosexuals, or bisexuals, or pansexuals. It's simply their sexuality, it doesn't speak for their quality as a person, only their personal preference in something so insignificant in the big picture that it's barely relevant.

You can be perfectly sexual and still no have a desire to reproduce.

[Ælex]

You can be perfectly sexual and still no have a desire to reproduce.

That is true, but then it's simply a matter of choice.

Edited October 10, 2013 by Ælex

[Kestra15]

So, where do you stand on those of us who have no instinct to reproduce, and in fact feel revulsion toward the prospect? (That isn't an attack, I'm genuinely curious.)

Good old natural variation.

[whitebaron]

But, the difference is people don't reproduce simply because they're biologically set to do so to survive like animals. Otherwise everyone would just be randomly having sex with everyone and having children constantly. People have children for reasons. For emotional reasons, for family reasons, as a result of a sexual assault, for selfish reasons or simply as a mistake. By stating that it's "natural instinct" is ignoring the very basis of what humans are.

 

It's not human nature to simply reproduce.

Animal nature is also not to simply run around and have sex and children all the time. Yes, there are those, but there's also families, monogamy, gay and asexual ones.

 

That aside: Yes, its in the human nature to want to reproduce. We still produce all the hormones (some more, some less), but free will grants us the possibility to just ignore it, and our mind is powerful enough to shut it down so we don't even have to actively ignore it anymore. We can make it so we don't feel those urges at all.

[Daypaw]

Single by choice, not interested in kids. Ever. Only interested in dating another asexual should one come along.

 

I have a grandmother who basically thinks that I'm the scum of the earth because I'm not married yet (27) and not dating, etc. Every time I see her, I get some sort of lecture about how this is 'unnatural' and about how I 'need a man to be happy.'

 

Tried dating, didn't like it. Eventually they all wanted things that I didn't, and everything fell apart. I'm MUCH happier single than I ever was in any relationship.

 

Selfish? I really don't think so. Any relationship I'd have would be based on lies, so personally I think that would be far more selfish than just being happy alone and leaving everyone else be.

[Cecona]

A lot of people don't seem to understand asexuality or the lack of desire a person may have to date. That's just how they are wired.

[Mousia]

So, where do you stand on those of us who have no instinct to reproduce, and in fact feel revulsion toward the prospect? (That isn't an attack, I'm genuinely curious.)

What I was trying to say (I tried and failed, unfortunately; so sorry) was that at least some of the population would have to want to reproduce and that it was no selfish to want that, as someone before me stated. I really don't think it's my business to comment on some else's choices or sexuality of whatever that is causing them not to reproduce. The point of my comment was simply to say that it's not selfish to want children. It's natural. But not everyone wants that. And that's okay. With the population the way it is and death rates the way they are, it'd be foolish for everyone to reproduce.

 

Sorry if I seem insensitive or anything. I don't mean that at all. I'm just trying to add my two cents and, admittedly, having been wording things quite poorly.

[BlitzDrake]

Well I just heard something rather depressing a few days back. A family friend that was married for about a year, well she doesn't want/she hates children. The husband knew that she didn't like kids and he didn't seem to have a problem with it prior to being married. Whenever she would say that she hates kids he would merely ignore it or make jokes about it as well. I'm fairly certain they both talked about not wanting kids when they got married.

So now her husband is threatening divorce on her because now he wants kids and she is disgusted by this notion, calling him selfish, etc. :/

[Obscure_Trash]

You can be perfectly sexual and still no have a desire to reproduce.

As well, there are asexuals who also want to reproduce. Being a/sexual isn't what controls your desire to breed. It just has to do with sexual attraction. >.>

 

Well I just heard something rather depressing a few days back. A family friend that was married for about a year, well she doesn't want/she hates children. The husband knew that she didn't like kids and he didn't seem to have a problem with it prior to being married. Whenever she would say that she hates kids he would merely ignore it or make jokes about it as well. I'm fairly certain they both talked about not wanting kids when they got married.

So now her husband is threatening divorce on her because now he wants kids and she is disgusted by this notion, calling him selfish, etc. :/

 

Ugh. If he knew then he had wanted kids at some point, that's something he should have brought up so they could discuss before trying to trap her in a marriage to force kids on her. This is exactly why we need to include relationship stuff (communication, honesty, consent, manipulation, abuse) in a more comprehensive sex ed plan. He has a right to have kids, but she doesn't want them and he has no right to force that on her. That's a sucky situation to be stuck on. =\

Edited January 17, 2014 by SockPuppet Strangler

[BlitzDrake]

I'm just really frustrated with the idea that even after discussing how she hates kid/doesn't want them the husband didn't speak up..or change his mind..til now. Like, you marry someone for them, you love THEM..not what they can PRODUCE for you. their marriage was not a business arrangement so any temptation to say "we had a deal" (the husband is using the concept that because they are married she should tend to his needs) strikes me as enormously crass. Not to mention why would you want someone who doesn't want a kid to have a kid?

 

Edit: This is basically what he said:

I never had doubts about our future until recently, when my wife made it clear that she does not want to have children. She has always made that clear, but when we met we were so young (he is 33 she is 32 now. They met around early 20's. Got married back in 2012) that I figured her views would change as we gained the financial means to support a family and her motherly instincts would come. While I would never force her to have children she doesn’t want, I also don’t know if I can be happy forfeiting my chance to be a father. I love my wife, and don’t want to leave her. But I’m still relatively young. Should I get out while I still have time to start over?

Edited January 17, 2014 by BlightWyvern

[tenyasyugan]

I'm at a point in my life where I'm fairly comfortable with labeling myself as "asexual" given that, throughout my life and growing up, I've never had any experience of a sexual attraction nor a real desire to date anyone. It's rather awkward at the moment tho given that I'm almost nineteen and I already have several friends who are either married or considering marriage. Thankfully I'm not the only one in my group who identifies as asexual, and also thankfully most everyone understands that my asexuality does not mean that I haven't "found the right one yet" or "figured out my tastes" or think that I will change my mind and "want kids some day".

 

As time goes on I've come to find many people who agree that not everyone really wants children or to have sexual relationships. In fact, I recently came across a few articles going over how scientists are finding that the gender binary is actually very inaccurate not just for humans but many species and that we should not use it as rigid guidelines for "healthy" behavior as many other animals live long healthy lives with their own preferences so humans can be much the same. For example, there's a species of lizard with three types of males, one that behaves as the stereotypical male archetype with a harem of females, one that is monogamous, and one that shows bisexual behaviors. So making the assumption that a person should have children as a goal in their life simply due to their sex [usually female, I seen that men are usually given a pass on having kids until very late in their lives while women are pressured into it from an early age] is very unhealthy.

 

I also have no real history of every being attracted to any person outside of intellectual pursuits. So it's really funny to me when my grandmother thinks I just need time and my mother assumes I'm either thinking of dating male friends because I talk about them or assumes I'm a lesbian because I talk about my female friends. Very funny and strange.

 

I think it's entirely possible for a person to lead a happy life without kids. Heck, it's pretty healthy in my eyes to not give birth to kids you don't want because giving yourself the expectation that "oh when I give birth I'm going to love this kid I'm just uncomfortable for now" isn't really right for you or that kid, especially when it comes to be that you still feel like you didn't really want a kid after they're born.

[Lila]

I don't know what I previously posted in this thread, but right now the last thing I want is to get married or have a family. Eventually I'd like to foster or adopt kids and settle down with someone, but I'd prefer to live out my twenties single & free, unless of course someone is willing to adventure with me

[Syaoransbear]

Well I just heard something rather depressing a few days back. A family friend that was married for about a year, well she doesn't want/she hates children. The husband knew that she didn't like kids and he didn't seem to have a problem with it prior to being married. Whenever she would say that she hates kids he would merely ignore it or make jokes about it as well. I'm fairly certain they both talked about not wanting kids when they got married.

So now her husband is threatening divorce on her because now he wants kids and she is disgusted by this notion, calling him selfish, etc. :/

 

A friend of mine divorced for that reason. They got married knowing she wanted kids and he didn't. A couple years into the marriage they divorced since having kids was that important to her. Hilariously just a few years after they divorced, he changed his mind, got remarried to someone else and ended up having kids, while she still has none.

 

I absolutely can't imagine kids being so important to me that I would break up with my husband about it. He's the most important person to me, it seems insane to give him up in exchange for complete strangers.

Edited January 17, 2014 by Syaoransbear

[prpldrgnfr]

Edit: This is basically what he said:

I never had doubts about our future until recently, when my wife made it clear that she does not want to have children. She has always made that clear, but when we met we were so young (he is 33 she is 32 now. They met around early 20's. Got married back in 2012) that I figured her views would change as we gained the financial means to support a family and her motherly instincts would come. While I would never force her to have children she doesn’t want, I also don’t know if I can be happy forfeiting my chance to be a father. I love my wife, and don’t want to leave her. But I’m still relatively young. Should I get out while I still have time to start over?

Why, oh why, would he think her opinion would change? It seems she's been very upfront with her feelings the whole time, and it appears he just ignored that, and assumed "oh she's a woman, *of course* she'll want to be the little mommy someday"? A *lot* people know that early that don't want kids! *headdesk*

Edited January 17, 2014 by prpldrgnfr

[skyie]

I've been having trouble with people trying to date me, to fix me up on dates, or 'help me out' by trying to 'let' me babysit for them.  Does anyone else have a problem with people not understanding that a spouse and kids is not for everyone.

I don't have a problem but every other little old lady I help has a son or grandson they want to fix me up with.

 

Frankly I wouldnt mind getting married and having kids, but I'm not actively looking.Getting to the age where I wont be able to have kids for many more years, which kind of depresses me, I always wanteed some. But I don't obsess....I think about it sometimes though. Finding the right person is usually a hassle and I don't like hassles. If I walk out the doo tommorow and trip over Mr Right then hooray me. Otherwise, I probably end up with no husband or kids ever but I do have some pretty cute nieces.

Edited January 17, 2014 by skyie

[edwardelricfreak]

I figured her views would change as we gained the financial means to support a family and her motherly instincts would come.

.....wow. I can't even. Just wow.

 

While it's fine to think a person's opinion may change, as they do, and it's fine that he was waiting for a while, I'm sorry, but "motherly instincts"? What an incredibly sexist thing to say. Besides, pretty sure those don't kick in until you're actually having/have a child. >.> Or at least are around children a lot. He's assuming that since she's a woman she'll want kids eventually. That's just...wow. Honestly that makes me want to slap him or something. I don't like violence, especially as it doesn't solve anything, but I think I would have lashed out if I was there when he said that. >.<

 

Divorce is a little sad...I feel like they could have worked something out. But no means no means no, dude. If she didn't want kids, it means she didn't want kids. If he really loved her, he wouldn't have left just because she wanted kids. Maybe he could have surrounded himself with others that have children, though, or become a teacher. I guess he thought that children were more important than his wife. Actually, I dunno, it's not TOO terribly bad. If the relationship really didn't work out because of that one thing that he really really wanted, then maybe divorce was the best thing for them. I don't even think adoption or anything would have worked because I doubt the wife wanted to raise any child AT ALL.

 

 

Anyway, onto me:

 

It should totally be someone's choice if they want a relationship/kids or not. I really hated when my grandmother kept asking if I was interested in dating anyone (or at least had any crushes) when I started middle school. Granted, I'm in a relationship now, but that was entirely of my choosing and not a result of her pestering me with thinking I should be in a relationship.

 

And I certainly don't want any kids for a good long while. I may adopt or have my own children eventually, but it's definitely not a mandatory thing, and I would NEVER force my partner to have children or not, especially if they hate kids or don't want them. Now, if they don't mind but aren't completely gung-ho about them, I'd probably still have kids then, but only if I was REALLY REALLY wanting them.

[whitebaron]

actually, that guy has guts, that many men lack. He's honest about how he feels now, and would neither force her nor do something behind her back.

 

Whatever other shortcomings he has, this I had to mention, because its not the usual way, however much I would want it to be that way. Honesty in relationships (both sides) is rare.

Edited January 17, 2014 by whitebaron