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*Sighs*
 

I sometimes wonder why I try.

 

Here is the thing...I enjoy chess.Or at least... I enjoy it when I am doing well. When I am NOT doing well...well, it isn't EXACTLY another matter, because I still don't quit playing. Oh, I have thought about it... and maybe I ought. BUT I don't. The thing is that I actually DO like the game and...well I would like to be GOOD at it. Like, as in 'actually WORTH something' good at it rather than just a wannabe. I hate that feeling. AND yet...despite the horrible suspicion that I have no PARTICULAR and especial talent for the game I keep coming back to it and spending my time on it anyway.

 

Why do I do this to myself? 

 

I realize this probably seems like a minor problem compared to what others have going on.

 

AND really it probably shouldn't BE such a big deal.

It is, after all, as others point out to me when I get like this, 'just a game'.

 

If only it felt that way to me.

 

Here is the thing. It hurts. HURTS because I want to be 'good enough' in my own mind. AND , guess what? Even when I am doing well.... I Often don't feel it is enough.

Other people have said I am probably better at it than I think..... but most of the people saying that don't play so I tend to shrug it off as that, I guess?

 

Bottom Line? I wish I could ahve the enjoyment of the game.... of winning.... without that sting of 'not good enough'.

Edited by JavaTigress

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22 hours ago, JavaTigress said:

I realize this probably seems like a minor problem compared to what others have going on.

 

AND really it probably shouldn't BE such a big deal.

It is, after all, as others point out to me when I get like this, 'just a game'.

 

If you're feeling something, regardless of the cause, then it is completely valid. Try not to invalidate your own feelings or trivialise them by comparing them to what others are experiencing. You're not being fair to yourself by doing that. <3 

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling that way about something that you used to/sometimes enjoy. Have you thought about what you can do? Reading your post, I wasn't quite sure if you play Chess competitively or just leisurely, but if you are playing competitively then maybe it's worth considering taking a step back and focusing on just playing it as a leisure activity to try to get some of that enjoyment back. That sense of disappointment from not enjoying something as much as you used to or as much as you sometimes do is something I can certainly relate to and it's an upsetting thing to experience. I hope you can come up with a solution that's going to make you feel better and enjoy it to the fullest again. <3 

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2 hours ago, StormWizard212 said:

 

If you're feeling something, regardless of the cause, then it is completely valid. Try not to invalidate your own feelings or trivialise them by comparing them to what others are experiencing. You're not being fair to yourself by doing that. <3 

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling that way about something that you used to/sometimes enjoy. Have you thought about what you can do? Reading your post, I wasn't quite sure if you play Chess competitively or just leisurely, but if you are playing competitively then maybe it's worth considering taking a step back and focusing on just playing it as a leisure activity to try to get some of that enjoyment back. That sense of disappointment from not enjoying something as much as you used to or as much as you sometimes do is something I can certainly relate to and it's an upsetting thing to experience. I hope you can come up with a solution that's going to make you feel better and enjoy it to the fullest again. <3 

Truth is I don't really play it comparatively as such...not in tournaments or such.

I wish I felt in any WAY good enough for that and THAT is the problem.

 

The trouble is, I think, that I take it seriously nonetheless. Like...I feel like I have to PROVE to myself that I am in some way a worthy chess player. What perhaps OUGHT to be a lesiurely activity actually becomes quite intense...and sometimes emotionally painful...when you feel lime a useless wannabe if you lose.

 

Losing would be more to!erable...and perhaps a valuable learning experience to improve my game.

 

My enjoyment, sadly, is directly dependent on whether I win or lose.

If I win....I enjoy myself greatly. If I lose there isn't much I can do besides go 'lick my wounds' by myself.

 

Weird thing is when I am less worried about winning, I not only enjoy myself more...my chess is usually better.

Edited by JavaTigress

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19 hours ago, JavaTigress said:

Weird thing is when I am less worried about winning, I not only enjoy myself more...my chess is usually better.

We have a similar issue with Rubik's Cubes in this house. We all really enjoy playing with them, but we all have a certain point where they go from fun, to frustrating.There came a point where my husband was obsessing over why he couldnt proceed past a certain point, and so went to find guides and tutorials that explained how to solve them. He learned his way of going about it was completely wrong, found the most basic patterns needed to solve them and practiced those patterns over and over again, until muscle memory kicked in and he could solve them. 
Have you considered studying the patterns that occur in chess? I'm sure there are books and tutorials and such, that teach how a computer, or competitor might look at what is on the board and proceed. I'm a casual chess player, but I love memorizing patterns whenever possible. 

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2 hours ago, Thuban said:

We have a similar issue with Rubik's Cubes in this house. We all really enjoy playing with them, but we all have a certain point where they go from fun, to frustrating.There came a point where my husband was obsessing over why he couldnt proceed past a certain point, and so went to find guides and tutorials that explained how to solve them. He learned his way of going about it was completely wrong, found the most basic patterns needed to solve them and practiced those patterns over and over again, until muscle memory kicked in and he could solve them. 
Have you considered studying the patterns that occur in chess? I'm sure there are books and tutorials and such, that teach how a computer, or competitor might look at what is on the board and proceed. I'm a casual chess player, but I love memorizing patterns whenever possible. 

As a matter of fact, there absolutely are!

 

Both the patterns and BOATLOADS of books on'em.

I WAS trying to study it and then the ho!I day season sort of hit and I didn't have time...I ought to get back to it.

 

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That sounds like a great suggestion! I hope you find time to get back to the patterns. :D

 

And I think it makes total sense that when you're not worried about winning/losing, your playing is better. If something is taking up your mental bandwidth, it means you've only got a certain amount of focus to give to other things so of course you won't be on your A game. I think that's generally true in life - that when you're concerned about something or there's something on your mind, it's difficult to do other things to the best of your ability. We're all only human! 

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6 hours ago, StormWizard212 said:

That sounds like a great suggestion! I hope you find time to get back to the patterns. :D

 

And I think it makes total sense that when you're not worried about winning/losing, your playing is better. If something is taking up your mental bandwidth, it means you've only got a certain amount of focus to give to other things so of course you won't be on your A game. I think that's generally true in life - that when you're concerned about something or there's something on your mind, it's difficult to do other things to the best of your ability. We're all only human! 

Interesting point!

 

I guess I hadn't THOUGHT about it in terms of 'taking up bandwidth'< as in likea computer but.... It maybe fits?

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Hello, it's me again and yes, it's about our cat once again. My mom just called, and we're in a rather sticky situation here.

Basically, my mother wants to move to a different city about a hundred kilometres from here, as my stepdad lives and works there and she wants to be with him, plus she was interested in a new job opportunity there. That's all fine and dandy, but our cat is the problem here -- he cannot handle being in a car, panicking real hard even on short trips, so he absolutely could not handle this back-and-forth between the two cities. My stepsister also cannot take him in, as she already has two cats and our cat is very skittish around other animals. I could take him in myself, but the apartment I live in is very, very tiny so I don't think he'd be happy here. Besides, I have lots of tiny decorative items here and there around the house that he'd love to knock over at night, preventing me from sleeping. Plus my landlord does not allow any pets in my apartment, and our cat is also very afraid of strangers, so we can't just put him up for adoption.

So our only option would be to put him down, which I feel is a complete and total waste - our cat is 8 years old, yes, but right now he's all fine and healthy. I would understand putting him down if he were sick, but since he's not...

 

I know my mother hasn't really made her choice yet, she's still on the edge about it, but... I can't help but be worried. I can perfectly understand why she'd want to move, I have nothing against her reasoning. But then again, I love our cat to bits since we've known and loved each other for many, many years.

 

Just saying all of this out loud to let it out of my system. Now it's just a waiting game to see whether or not he gets to live a few more years.

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Adoption may be the best choice if he can't live with you anymore. Of course, he'll be scared at first by whoever will be the new caretaker, but it's worth a try, especially if it's near his old place so he wouldn't have to be driven by car there.

 

A couple of years ago, I adopted a cat who was described to be a misogynist because he'd only trust the guy who took care of feeding him, and nobody else in their large household (all women). Turned out that cat has just a very limited capacity for "trusted persons", and in my home, that was me, a female. It took him a few weeks to tell us all apart and to realize who's the one taking care of him, but he managed.

(He's also deadly afraid of being confined in a box and driven to someplace else - definitely claustrophobic!)

 

I'm sure your cat would manage as well if he really needed to. Try to trust in his survival skills?

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24 minutes ago, Sazandora said:

Hello, it's me again and yes, it's about our cat once again. My mom just called, and we're in a rather sticky situation here.

Basically, my mother wants to move to a different city about a hundred kilometres from here, as my stepdad lives and works there and she wants to be with him, plus she was interested in a new job opportunity there. That's all fine and dandy, but our cat is the problem here -- he cannot handle being in a car, panicking real hard even on short trips, so he absolutely could not handle this back-and-forth between the two cities. My stepsister also cannot take him in, as she already has two cats and our cat is very skittish around other animals. I could take him in myself, but the apartment I live in is very, very tiny so I don't think he'd be happy here. Besides, I have lots of tiny decorative items here and there around the house that he'd love to knock over at night, preventing me from sleeping. Plus my landlord does not allow any pets in my apartment, and our cat is also very afraid of strangers, so we can't just put him up for adoption.

So our only option would be to put him down, which I feel is a complete and total waste - our cat is 8 years old, yes, but right now he's all fine and healthy. I would understand putting him down if he were sick, but since he's not...

 

I know my mother hasn't really made her choice yet, she's still on the edge about it, but... I can't help but be worried. I can perfectly understand why she'd want to move, I have nothing against her reasoning. But then again, I love our cat to bits since we've known and loved each other for many, many years.

 

Just saying all of this out loud to let it out of my system. Now it's just a waiting game to see whether or not he gets to live a few more years.

 If she's simply moving to a new place and will stay there, then the veterinarian can prescribe medication to help keep him calm/sedate for the trip. I did that with my dog when we moved 6 hours away. Why would he be going back and forth, though? If she moved, could he just stay at the new place?

As for adoption, don't give up on that option just yet. Just because he's stranger shy doesn't mean he can't be adopted :) Plenty of kitties with special needs can be adopted, even very shy ones. You can even look to humane societies or no-kill shelters that can help adopt out a "special needs" kitty. If he's healthy and not overly aggressive, they would have no issue taking him in. Skittish kitties still get adopted all the time. Or a rescue could be helpful, too! 

I would strongly suggest not to pursue the euthanasia option. You'll be hard pressed to find a veterinarian that will put down a healthy, mentally-stable kitty.  

Have you tried posting on facebook to see if any friends or family could take him in? 

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There are some great suggestions here and hopefully something that can work for you @Sazandora! Another option if you're pressed for time or struggling to find a permanent home is to look into a temporary foster home for your cat. There are many people who foster animals rather than adopt, specifically to help out animals in situations like this which might need a little longer to find a permanent home. Those people often have a lot of experience with different kinds of animals and their needs, and will be able to help recommend routes for adoption.

 

I hope it works out for you! You're not out of options yet so keep trying! In my opinion, there are always better options than putting down healthy, loving pets who deserve a chance at finding another home. You just need to persevere a little, but you'll find something in the end. 

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7 hours ago, Sazandora said:

Hello, it's me again and yes, it's about our cat once again. My mom just called, and we're in a rather sticky situation here.

Basically, my mother wants to move to a different city about a hundred kilometres from here, as my stepdad lives and works there and she wants to be with him, plus she was interested in a new job opportunity there. That's all fine and dandy, but our cat is the problem here -- he cannot handle being in a car, panicking real hard even on short trips, so he absolutely could not handle this back-and-forth between the two cities. My stepsister also cannot take him in, as she already has two cats and our cat is very skittish around other animals. I could take him in myself, but the apartment I live in is very, very tiny so I don't think he'd be happy here. Besides, I have lots of tiny decorative items here and there around the house that he'd love to knock over at night, preventing me from sleeping. Plus my landlord does not allow any pets in my apartment, and our cat is also very afraid of strangers, so we can't just put him up for adoption.

So our only option would be to put him down, which I feel is a complete and total waste - our cat is 8 years old, yes, but right now he's all fine and healthy. I would understand putting him down if he were sick, but since he's not...

 

I know my mother hasn't really made her choice yet, she's still on the edge about it, but... I can't help but be worried. I can perfectly understand why she'd want to move, I have nothing against her reasoning. But then again, I love our cat to bits since we've known and loved each other for many, many years.

 

Just saying all of this out loud to let it out of my system. Now it's just a waiting game to see whether or not he gets to live a few more years.

 

I don't know much about pet-care places in Finland, but there is a definite possibility that you could find a shelter or humane society that has experience finding stranger-shy animals new homes. I don't think I've ever met a dog or cat who couldn't adapt to a new human ever, it just may take time and the right person. If you've loved this cat for so many years it may be hard to give him up to a shelter or somewhere like that, but it's definitely a better option then putting him down just because you can't keep him. You could also put an ad in the paper or on a pet adoption website to try to find someone who wants him, and do a meet-and-greet thing so he can have a chance to get used to the person. 

 

edit: I came into this thread for a reason, oops. Easter is getting closer and closer and I just.... I'm sorta just looking around waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. The anniversary of my grandpa's death is always *really* hard on both me and my mom, an Easter hasn't gone by since he died without major crying and mourning and upset. But right now things are... Okay, I guess. Mom is concentrating on cleaning and organizing in preparation for my stepdad's visit, I'm attempting to concentrate on a small to-do list that includes reading some really great books, and... It's okay right now. Which sort of worries me because I feel like any moment everything will just blow up.

Edited by HeatherMarie

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Maybe don't wait for it? I think it should be okay to do some mourning in between the daily routines, like holding still, maybe showing affection to each other like with hugs (or whatever you and your mom do with each other), and cry some, then wash your face and get back to whatever you were doing before? I'm just thinking if you force yourself to not mourn visibly, it'll probably blow up at some point like you said. Allowing a vent for some mourning might prevent that.

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I swore to stay away from this thread. After my last post on here, I felt like I was an emotional l loser, but yet now I'm here going to post something that made me feel disgusted yesterday. My coworker who works in the morning has no filter on what he's going to say, he's a hard worker but sometimes he just needs to reel it in. It's not what I really need right now. I'm still trying to drag myself out of the small emotional mess I'm in. (Not to mention I thought he was going to force a kiss on me)

 

Yes, it hurt to see someone else get all the attention here while I lost my grandmother! I sought this thread out because I needed the attention and just to see someone else get it in here, well, it felt like a really bad blow to my chest. I legit had to turn off my phone and cry because of it. I'm sorry for ranting on about that. If this thread fails me again, I'm never going to look this way ever again.

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3 hours ago, Dalek Raptor said:

I swore to stay away from this thread. After my last post on here, I felt like I was an emotional l loser, but yet now I'm here going to post something that made me feel disgusted yesterday. My coworker who works in the morning has no filter on what he's going to say, he's a hard worker but sometimes he just needs to reel it in. It's not what I really need right now. I'm still trying to drag myself out of the small emotional mess I'm in. (Not to mention I thought he was going to force a kiss on me)

 

Yes, it hurt to see someone else get all the attention here while I lost my grandmother! I sought this thread out because I needed the attention and just to see someone else get it in here, well, it felt like a really bad blow to my chest. I legit had to turn off my phone and cry because of it. I'm sorry for ranting on about that. If this thread fails me again, I'm never going to look this way ever again.

 RE: Co worker: Tell him flat out that his actions make you uncomfortable and lay out clear boundaries (bringing up these topics and trying to touch me are off limits) and if he continues, report him to the higher ups or proceed as needed (police or whatever)

Re: Grandma:  Some things I have picked up over the years though that seem to help the family members that are hurting more, is to talk about some of the happier stories while cooking their signature recipes, or engaging in something that was important to them. My grandma Dorthey, when she was alive, was a sign painter. She made windchimes, custom christmas decorations, her own soaps and lotions. She taught me how to make various medications from her garden. She died right after Christmas my freshman year (99), and the following spring, I raided my grandfathers garden for some of her favorite plants (only took enough to start my own, his garden was unaffected). I have her ficus, and some of her roses (her plant was over 100 years old, brought over by her great grandparents. She called them 7 brothers. They are these cute little roses that bloom in groups similar to the way grapes do). Its a tiny little bush but it fits her personality so well. Thorny little thing, not much to look at, but strong limbs, survivor. Every time I go to trim it back or do any maintenance on it, I remember the days of sitting on her front porch, her lighting one smoke off the other, while drinking down cup after cup of coffee.When we would look out over the yard, we would see the bushes they planted along the property lines, and giggle about the year the honey bees had swarmed, and decided they liked her bushes. That lady walked up to the main part of the swarm with a freaking broom, knocked them into a box and told them they could live in the backyard with the apple tree, but not in her bushes! That woman was 4'9 maybe 120lbs soaking wet, but was fearless. She had a rough life growing up, raised my dad on her own, while my grandfather was out roaming the streets and coming home drunk. She wasn't the nicest woman, on the surface, but she was a good person.

Everyone handles grief differently. I deal with mine by sharing stories, cooking the foods people looked forward to every holiday season, and remembering the chats we had in private when the men-folk werent around. Some people need to let themselves cry, be angry and just embrace the negative emotions for awhile. If your grandma had a favorite book, commit to reading it a few times, and absorb every word. If grandma gardened, put some of your favorite plants from her garden in a container on the porch. If grandma baked, learn some of her favorite recipes, and pull them out on the days you are thinking about her the most. My grandma's signs are all over this part of the state, outside of campgrounds, across from Fort Wayne, in the banners that get hung up in Wyandotte during the art festivals, and on most of the B&W trucks that are on the road (she hand painted their logos on their trucks).  I still feel that tinge of sadness when I see her work, when I remember the things that were unique to her, but it has gotten easier with time. I hope you're able to figure out a way to work through your grief. 

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@Dalek Raptor I'm really sorry to hear that you lost your grandmother. :( Grandparents have such a special role in our lives and it's horrible to lose them, especially ones that we're particularly close to. I hope you have lots of pictures and fond memories that will be able to bring you comfort while you're grieving. That's something that I always find comforting while I'm grieving someone, to think about the great memories you've shared together. It can be really painful, but eventually those memories will bring a smile to your face rather than make you cry, and you'll cherish those moments for the rest of your life. Hold in there and I'm really sorry about your loss. <3 

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@Thuban @StormWizard212 thank you two. She passed away this past January, luckily she went peacefully however when I got the news, I was dealing with a very selfish and evil department manager at the time. While everyone else understood that I needed to grieve, the department manager was complaining about the mess I left and threatened me almost every day to either coach me or report me for harassment. I lost all motivation to do anything during that time. The only that kept me going was Discord (God bless you guys) otherwise I would have spiraled down further and further until I would have quit my decent paying job. Luckily that person is gone now and she's the department manager elsewhere (those poor people)

 

On a side note, my coworker apologized and said he won't (or at least try to) say things like that again.

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@Dalek Raptor that is horrible about your department manager. You would think someone, especially in a position of power/responsibility, would have a little bit more sensitivity! You'd think anyone would have more sensitivity than that, but someone in charge of people should be specifically trained to make sure they are doing the best thing by their staff. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that - and at such an emotionally vulnerable time, no less. It's a good thing that that person is out of your life now, though. It's also great that your coworker has apologised and made a commitment to change. If this person continues acting in a way that makes you uncomfortable now that you've explained it to them, make sure you take things further to get the issue sorted by somebody more senior. Everyone has the right to feel safe and comfortable in their workplace. 

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So I was chilling in bed with my dog (pomeranian chihuahua mix for anyone curious lol), and she was being her cute self as usual. I was trying to write a paper for my mythology class that is due in like 2 days and she was throwing herself all over me trying to lick my face because she'll like die if she doesn't have attention. So I took her and I held her against me and I just stared into her eyes. And at first I was just thinking about how adorable she was, but then it morphed into something darker. Lately I've been contemplating my existence and I've been having a hard time seeing a reason to go on. But as I sat there looking into her puppy eyes and her tail was wagging, I just broke. I started crying because I realized that if I left this planet there would be no one here to love her the way I love her. So in a way it made me feel like I had a bit of purpose. But there's still part of me that's experiencing an existential crisis but I feel selfish for thinking that way... I don't know. Just came to let my thoughts out.

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@kyleedj it's so great that your puppy makes you feel a sense of purpose. Pets are honestly such a good thing for mental health as they keep you strong and keep you going, because you know they depend on you. They can bring such immense comfort, too. I'm really glad that you have something like that in your life. I honestly can't overstate how important pets can be for our wellbeing - this is a topic I could go on about all day, so it's so great to hear that you have a connection with a pet like that! 

 

If you're feeling generally purposeless, though, then please, please consider looking for some additional help if you haven't already. It's so important to have strong support networks in place when you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed or like you're struggling to find purpose in your life. If you haven't already, consider speaking to a family member, a trusted friend or your doctor to get some further support and advice. Or if that's too difficult, which it sometimes can be, reach out to a mental health organisation where you can speak to someone anonymously and confidentially. Sometimes it's easier talking to strangers about these things than people close to your life. 

 

Sending all the love! Give your puppy a big hug for me. Mine are both curled up at my feet asleep right now. 

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6 minutes ago, StormWizard212 said:

@kyleedj it's so great that your puppy makes you feel a sense of purpose. Pets are honestly such a good thing for mental health as they keep you strong and keep you going, because you know they depend on you. They can bring such immense comfort, too. I'm really glad that you have something like that in your life. I honestly can't overstate how important pets can be for our wellbeing - this is a topic I could go on about all day, so it's so great to hear that you have a connection with a pet like that! 

 

If you're feeling generally purposeless, though, then please, please consider looking for some additional help if you haven't already. It's so important to have strong support networks in place when you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed or like you're struggling to find purpose in your life. If you haven't already, consider speaking to a family member, a trusted friend or your doctor to get some further support and advice. Or if that's too difficult, which it sometimes can be, reach out to a mental health organisation where you can speak to someone anonymously and confidentially. Sometimes it's easier talking to strangers about these things than people close to your life. 

 

Sending all the love! Give your puppy a big hug for me. Mine are both curled up at my feet asleep right now. 

Shortly after I posted here I reached out to a friend of mine. I just felt better posting it here first. It always fascinates me how deep our bonds go with animals. And yes I will give her the biggest hug for you!

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22 minutes ago, kyleedj said:

Shortly after I posted here I reached out to a friend of mine. I just felt better posting it here first. It always fascinates me how deep our bonds go with animals. And yes I will give her the biggest hug for you!

 

So glad to hear that! Best of luck with everything. And spoil that little cutie rotten! <3 

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5 hours ago, kyleedj said:

I started crying because I realized that if I left this planet there would be no one here to love her the way I love her.

I had such a moment with my cat almost 12 years ago. All the hugs for our little lifesavers!

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This will probably sound silly, but I'm terrified about returning a call about a job I applied for. My social anxiety isn't as bad as it used to be, but phone calls to anyone other than my SO or family always make me shake and pace. My mind goes blank and I just don't know what to say or do. I really need this job. 

 

I hate being such a worrier.

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24 minutes ago, The Dragoness said:

This will probably sound silly, but I'm terrified about returning a call about a job I applied for. My social anxiety isn't as bad as it used to be, but phone calls to anyone other than my SO or family always make me shake and pace. My mind goes blank and I just don't know what to say or do. I really need this job. 

 

I hate being such a worrier.

 

Oh goodness I know how that feels. Phone calls with strangers are hard enough, but when it's a call that could change your life situation... Yeah. I sometimes jot down little notes reminding myself what I need to say in case my mind fails me.

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