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21 hours ago, hazeh said:

My rat died in my arms tonight

 

I'm so sorry for your loss, Hazeh. :( Pets are so incredibly important and can become a true part of your family. I hope you're doing alright. <3 

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Thank you for your support, friends. It means a lot to me. 

@HeatherMarie, they're doing fine emotionally (playing with each other and generally acting happy), but they're both sick also. So they took Bean's original appointment and are on medication now. They're both much younger than Bean was (Cookie being the youngest, which is also worrying since she won't have very much of an immune system at this point. But on the other hand, she was likely Patient Zero, so hopefully she can recover quickly) so I'm holding out hope that they both will pull through without complications. I can't lose another one so soon. I guess on some level it's a good thing I got Cookie, because if I lost Bean so soon regardless if Cookie got him sick, Lampchop WOULD be depressed. He definitely relies on a cagemate and since Cookie is there for him, Bean's absence isn't felt so much. 

The problem now is, Lambchop is incredibly difficult to medicate. I've had to give him oral antibiotics before, and the poor thing just loses his damn mind. I have to shove it in his mouth and wrestle him just to get the syringe in there. :( Not fun. When I had to force it in his mouth the other morning, he bit his own lip or tongue-- started bleeding from his mouth. Cookie is okay to forcibly medicate, but they're both going to hate me by the end of the course. So that sucks. Currently I'm trying to mix the antibiotics in with some mashed baby food, and so far that's working decently. The issue arises when they don't finish it all-- and I have to mix enough to mask the flavor of the meds. So it's a struggle regardless. 

*sighs*

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I'm kind of struggling right now. I'm not certain yet if it's a Real Depressive Episode or if I'm just having a severely crappy week, but it does feel a little too familiar. Absolutely no motivation to do anything (it's the 5th day of Camp NaNoWriMo and I have done absolutely no writing or editing, I've had books from the library for weeks and haven't even gotten through one...). Really overly-emotional, crying constantly, the smallest things setting it off... It definitely didn't help that work was horrible yesterday (my favorite task at work is envelope-stuffing, something I often change my schedule around to be able to help with the day before payday, yesterday was supposed to be that day but they didn't even have anything ready to stuff by the time my shift ended!). I was supposed to go the the local fair today, I was really looking forward to that, but I knew that with the way I've been feeling my anxiety would most likely be unmanageable at the crowded fair with strangers for 4 hours (I was going with a group). Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I actually considered harming myself. I didn't, but it worries me that my mind would go there after over a year without doing that.

 

(I'm not suicidal, I'm not a danger to myself or others right now, I'm just struggling. I do take meds and have people to talk to and safe places to go if it comes to that.)

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1 hour ago, HeatherMarie said:

I'm kind of struggling right now. I'm not certain yet if it's a Real Depressive Episode or if I'm just having a severely crappy week, but it does feel a little too familiar. Absolutely no motivation to do anything (it's the 5th day of Camp NaNoWriMo and I have done absolutely no writing or editing, I've had books from the library for weeks and haven't even gotten through one...). Really overly-emotional, crying constantly, the smallest things setting it off... It definitely didn't help that work was horrible yesterday (my favorite task at work is envelope-stuffing, something I often change my schedule around to be able to help with the day before payday, yesterday was supposed to be that day but they didn't even have anything ready to stuff by the time my shift ended!). I was supposed to go the the local fair today, I was really looking forward to that, but I knew that with the way I've been feeling my anxiety would most likely be unmanageable at the crowded fair with strangers for 4 hours (I was going with a group). Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I actually considered harming myself. I didn't, but it worries me that my mind would go there after over a year without doing that.

 

(I'm not suicidal, I'm not a danger to myself or others right now, I'm just struggling. I do take meds and have people to talk to and safe places to go if it comes to that.)

 

Hey I completely know what you feel. Depressive episodes come and go for me usually, but when it hits hard like this, the feeling of no motivation and letting things slip through the cracks feels awful. It's hard for one person to deal with alone.

 

Although nothing usually seems to help because of that lovely brain fog, even meds, something I like to do is clean and rearrange furniture. It sounds weird but sometimes having a change in my environment makes my chest feel a little bit less heavy and clears my head. It's not a permanent fix, but something like this could alleviate the episode's effects.

 

You are very strong in that you did not give into your urges to harm. You are right, it is scary to think you could have, but it's understandable when it gets this bad with mental illness. Not harming after a year is very admirable, as well as keeping it that way.

 

I think that you made a good decision in not heading out to the fair just now, but you shouldn't hold yourself back from it completely if it's something you truly want to do. Maybe it's possible that you could still go on a day that you feel stronger and less prone to anxiety in crowds.   Check the weather, see if there will be a cloudy day and maybe crowds will not be so packed in, plus then you don't have to deal with overstimulation from the wretched sunlight. 😄

 

I can't give much more advice because your life is your own, and it's always up to you what you'd like to do and your comfort level. What I can say is that you will definitely not be down forever, keep your head high as you possibly can until then. You need not worry about things building up, you will get around to them in time. Focus on healing as much as you can right now, take it a day at a time. Please stay strong and don't be afraid to give yourself a little patience and forgiveness now and then. 🌟

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I'm not really sure where my life is going right now. I finally decided to go to college in two years once I've found a more stable job and put more money away, but I don't know what for. Something medicine-related, but it's such a broad field. I don't want to choose something I'll hate in 10 years. And on top of that, my SO, the only real best friend I've ever had and by far the most important person in my life, is going into the military very soon. Possibly this summer. I've talked to him almost every day for the last 3 years, and we've been dating for 1. I don't know how I'm going to handle not hearing from him for possibly weeks at a time. I'm terrified that he'll get hurt or things between us will be different when he gets back. I want more than anything else to have a future with him, but he doesn't want me to plan anything until we know for sure what the future will be like. We used to talk about getting married, having kids, and spending our lives together, but now that that isn't a stable end goal, I feel lost. I know this is important to him and it isn't a death sentence, and I want to be happy for him, but it makes me sick to think about that tiny chance of something happening, even though "everyday" things like car accidents are significantly more likely to happen. It's not like I panic when he gets in a car. The logical part of me knows that he'll be fine and our relationship has been through harder times, but I just can't shake the fear. I've always had a plan to keep me sane, but I can't prepare myself for the next 4 years in any way. I'm really sick of crying and losing sleep over this when everyone else handled it well. 

 

The only people I've talked to have just shrugged, so I have nowhere else to go with this. I really needed it off of my mind.

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@hazeh I really hope it turns out well for your rats.  Do you have any idea as to what they came down with?  Keep giving them your love and support (and their meds)!

 

@HeatherMarie I'm not sure how to advise you on this, but I do hope you find your way.  You're already fighting and winning against the urge to harm yourself, so I'm sure you'll have it in you to overcome this.  

 

@The Dragoness it's totally fine to feel uncertain about your future.  If you have the time, I think you should try talking to people in multiple professions in your area of interest (medicine).  Try to ask them if you can do some job shadowing to determine wether you will fit the job and to see if you enjoy it.  As for your other problem, I'm not sure how to advise you on what you should do.  Honestly, I'd try living day by day, moment by moment.  Try to find something you're looking forward to each day and find time to step back and appreciate even a small thing, instead of trying to plan everything entirely in advance.  It sounds like you're just feeling overwhelmed by your future right now and I think, at some point you just need to let things happen as they will and take everything in stride.  It'll be hard to do at first, but it'll get easier over time.

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I know this could be seen as double posting, but I REALLY need to get this out of my system.  I just feel so stressed atm.  I have to present a biology presentation that I haven't really started yet, this Friday, with a group, where one person has vanished from the face of the earth and the other just got back from somewhere in Asia today.  I also need to finish my biology olympiad stuff by next Tuesday, which is labs, and I haven't gotten much in order for that either.  I need to do a script for the grasshopper dissection, a 2 page report for the stomata count (which I also haven't started), preparation of hydrophyte and xerophyte slides (which I'm reluctant to perform because I don't want to injure a plant), and the hill reaction where I really need to get my **** together.  I also have a math test next Tuesday, need to study for the biology competition in two weeks, IB bio exam next month, and university stuff.  I'm also still very worried about what to do with my plants next year since moving them probably won't be a viable option, but I'm sure they keep me somewhat sane despite knowing that I'm going to be the one person who will buy a plant every time it's a good deal and who will take in all unwanted plants to the point of being absolutely overwhelmed by them (this goes for insects as well and I'm currently used to rearing 100+ caterpillars yearly and I have a problem with gathering ladybug larvae despite how much I love-hate rearing them, they require copious amounts of food and will eat each other for no apparent reason).  I also have volunteering, among other things.  My mom keeps telling me not to pick my skin, but I honestly don't care at all about appearance at all and it's really frustrating to tell her that I really don't care anymore that I have some weird scars since she cares.  I know it;s bad for me, but its just what I do.  It's not self harm to me, not sure what it is.  On top of that, I find myself consuming large amounts of really disturbing content without feeling a thing when I'm this stressed.  I really can't tell if it's a form of self harm at this point since I hate that I no longer really feel the fear I did before (or any emotion, really.  Mostly, it feels kinda hollow).  I see these things whenever I close my eyes anyways, so it'd make sense that I'm not afraid at this point, but I don't have to like it.  Also, the weather here is driving me crazy.  We're weeks into spring and theres still all this white crap everywhere and no sign of insects outside.  And of course, instead of dealing with stuff and getting a move on, I'm posting on here like the procrastinating, escapist pos I am and hoping that others will give me sympathy.  For what though?  I don't know, the innate need to not feel constantly angry at myself?  Sympathy isn't going to solve squat here, nor is escapism, its making my problem worse.  Stupid vicious cycle of procrastination.

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I'm really bad at emotional support, so everyone else: I'm not ignoring you, I just have nothing useful to add!

 

@hazeh idk if it'll work with rats, but when I had to give my cat those oral syringes of foul goo, after a few days of scratches and messes, I started waiting until she opened her mouth and then shooting it straight down her throat. She hated it, I hated it, but her reaction to goo in her throat was a reflex swallow, so it worked. Maybe our experience can help out you and your ratties? Good luck!

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@Draconiusultamius it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. I'm not sure if this will help you, but it certainly helps me when I'm stressed out because of upcoming deadlines, assignments, etc. I usually try to create some kind of organised structure, since I personally work best (and most emotionally positively) when I have clear goals and routines. Consider plotting out your deadlines and exams on a calendar so you can see a visual representation of your upcoming commitments. Then, for each, make a list of the things you need to do to prepare. Ticking/crossing things off a to do list is incredibly cathartic and can help 1) make overwhelming tasks and periods feel a lot more manageable because you've broken them down into smaller, bite-sized and achievable steps, 2) celebrate small achievements/accomplishments along the way, and 3) make you feel empowered and in control of these stressful periods of your life, instead of like they're spiralling out of control. 

 

I know it might sound like pretty simplistic advice, but sometimes the small things can actually make quite a significant difference. At least consider trying something like this. The process of writing down what you need to do and creating some small, short-term goals can be very effective and it has certainly helped me before.

 

As far as the feelings of hollowness go, I think it would also be worthwhile speaking to someone about how you're feeling in a bit more depth, if there's someone in your life who you trust enough to have those conversations with. If you're going through a difficult period, seeking some extra support is always beneficial. Whether it's a family member, friend, your doctor or an anonymous online chat or helpline, just getting those feelings off your chest and knowing that someone is listening really can have a profound impact on your wellbeing. Everyone needs to emotionally unwind and mentally recharge sometimes and talking to someone about how you're feeling is the best way to achieve that, in my opinion.

 

Good luck with everything you've got going on. Just take one thing at a time and make sure you look after yourself. <3 

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8 hours ago, ArgentiAertheri said:

I'm really bad at emotional support, so everyone else: I'm not ignoring you, I just have nothing useful to add!

 

@hazeh idk if it'll work with rats, but when I had to give my cat those oral syringes of foul goo, after a few days of scratches and messes, I started waiting until she opened her mouth and then shooting it straight down her throat. She hated it, I hated it, but her reaction to goo in her throat was a reflex swallow, so it worked. Maybe our experience can help out you and your ratties? Good luck!

Thank you for your advice. Rats don't really open their mouths all that much except to yawn like...once a day haha. So far mixing it into baby food seems to be working though :) 

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@StormWizard212 thanks for the advice.  I tried to make a list and it made me want to procrastinate on pretty much everything on there.  No clue why I procrastinate so much, but I really have a hard time focusing.  As for the part about talking to others I trust, I'm already doing it as I'm talking to people on here ;)  I don't trust others I know IRL since it's easy to get hurt.

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10 hours ago, Draconiusultamius said:

@StormWizard212 thanks for the advice.  I tried to make a list and it made me want to procrastinate on pretty much everything on there.  No clue why I procrastinate so much, but I really have a hard time focusing.  As for the part about talking to others I trust, I'm already doing it as I'm talking to people on here ;)  I don't trust others I know IRL since it's easy to get hurt.

 

It can often be a lot easier talking to people you don't actually know in your personal life. Those outside perspectives can often be very valuable. :)

 

Could you try taking one thing on your list of things to do and breaking it down even further, into smaller parts? Smaller tasks that take less time and are simpler to complete might help combat the procrastination. If the things on the list are still inspiring procrastination, see if you can break them down even further and see what happens then. It works for me, at least, so maybe worth a try.

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So, I just got multiple unexpected bills in the mail and I'm sort of freaking out right now and have no one to talk to... Maybe posting here will help me calm down a little? I don't know.

 

Four different bills, totaling over $400, from when I was in the hospital last June. MRIs and CT scans, mostly, lots of them. Stuff that *should* be 100% covered by my insurance unless something has drastically changed that I'm not aware of. And of course it's the weekend so I can't call my insurance to ask them about this (I tried). I'm just.... Freaking. This happened once before and it turned out to be a mistake, so I'm really really hoping that's what this is, but it doesn't help the freak out. I can't pay these bills. Not 'it would leave me broke' or whatever, I *can't*, I literally don't have the money, and literally never will. I have less then $200 in my bank account right now, and most of that will go towards this month's bills. I have some money saved for this summer's ridiculously-high APS bills, but I absolutely cannot spend that money without risking APS cutting off our electricity for non-payment in the middle of the 110+ degree summer. I'm not sure what they can do if I don't pay, I have no property to seize or anything... I really really need to talk to my insurance and figure out what on earth is going on and I can't do that until Monday and that means roughly 36 more hours to freak out. 

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@HeatherMarie I know this might not help because anxiety and fear don't necessarily work this way, but try to consider the facts and trust your gut. If they've made a mistake in the past and you know that insurance should cover everything, then it sounds like the chances of them having made another mistake are pretty high. Try rationalising the situation as much as you can and looking at the facts. I know that doesn't ease all the worry and uncertainty and nothing will until you're actually able to speak to your insurance on Monday, but try to keep reminding yourself of the facts. It might help ease at least a little bit of the panic. Try not to start worrying about contingencies and what ifs unless they become a reality. (I know that's easier said than done, though.)

 

Is there anything that calms you down and relaxes you that could take your mind off this? A certain hobby or music/book/tv show? Since there's nothing you can do until Monday, the best thing might be to just try to distract yourself from your thoughts as much as possible and take your mind off it as best you can. Let us know how things go on Monday, though! I've got my fingers crossed for you that everything works out! 

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Thank you @StormWizard212, sometimes it really helps to actually be reminded not to jump to worst case scenario... I've dealt with anxiety for so long I feel like I should know better by now, but sometimes someone else saying those things helps much more then trying to remember to think it myself. I'm listening to the audiobook that hardly ever fails to calm me (Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson), that should help.

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19 minutes ago, HeatherMarie said:

Thank you @StormWizard212, sometimes it really helps to actually be reminded not to jump to worst case scenario... I've dealt with anxiety for so long I feel like I should know better by now, but sometimes someone else saying those things helps much more then trying to remember to think it myself. I'm listening to the audiobook that hardly ever fails to calm me (Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson), that should help.

 

It can be very easy to jump to worst case scenarios. Don't beat yourself up about that. I'm glad you've got a relaxing audiobook to listen to! Hopefully that will take your mind off things for a while and you can deal with what you can on Monday. Good luck! 

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Somehow I don't know that to do with myself right now. I was at a friends house last night, and he did something that pushed me right into my next nervous breakdown. He has no idea how much I'm struggling, as I don't consider him to be the right person to talk to about these things. Well, and now I am home, feel like I have to puke, want to cry and don't want to cry on the same time, somehow want to simply disappear to make all this stop (this does NOT mean that I am suicidal. I'm definitely not. I just want all the pain and the struggling to stop, and as I don't know how to make it stop, disappearing like I have never existed sounds really good to me.) I don't know who I am supposed to talk to about this. My best friend doesn't have time to meet up today, and everyone else is just not the right person for this.

I know that I'm usually feeling better if I go riding with the horse I take care of... But I really don't feel like going to the riding center with her, where other people are, and I should better not ride through the forest all alone, as that can be dangerous (and I have never done it alone before).

 

I really hate how I end up like this again and again, not knowing why things that seem completely natural and normal to others are so damn hard for me and make me feel completely miserable. I hate that I am not able to tell the people around me how I feel and what I truly think, because I am so afraid of being treated like a weirdo again. I hate that already many years ago, I started to put on a smile, be friendly and polite, and nod to almost everything others say, and laugh about every joke that I only understand a few moments or even minutes later. A former friend said that he always feels like I am hiding behind a facade, and that he thinks he doesn't know who I really am, even though we have been friends for almost 10 years. And I think he is right... But I don't know how to stop it. And last night this behavior made me end up in a situation that I didn't want to be in. Again.

 

Sorry, but I needed a place to say this...

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@Claudii I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling that way. It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment. If you don't mind me giving you some advice, though, I think it's really, really important to stop comparing yourself to other people. Just because you don't deal with things in the same way as others do, or you find something challenging that others find easy, it doesn't mean that's some kind of character flaw for you. I guarantee there are things that come easily to you that others envy you for. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Instead of comparing those things you're struggling with to other people, compare them to yourself. Look for improvements internally and milestones to celebrate based on your own development and achievement, not based externally. Make sure you're fair to yourself. 

 

If you don't feel as though you can talk to your friends about the things you're struggling with and the feelings you're having, and there's no one in your life that you want to share those things with, have you considered talking to a mental health organisation? They often have helplines and online/telephone listeners who you can talk to. It can be really liberating to share how you're feeling with someone totally anonymous who doesn't have ties to your real life, like posting on DC. I think conversations are always more powerful, especially if these are feelings that are reoccurring, so it's worth considering. 

 

It's a shame that riding the horse comes with the unwanted socialising, but hopefully you have something else you can go to that relaxes you in times of stress - such as a particular movie or music. I hope things begin to improve for you! All the best. <3 

Edited by StormWizard212

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Thank you, @StormWizard212! It's actually quite rare that I compare myself with others... I already learned that it isn't good for me. The only thing where I still frequently compare myself to others are social interactions. Like, I don't know how to take part in conversation with multiple other people without interrupting anyone. So whenever I am with a group of people, they are talking with each other and I just sit there listening, because I don't want to interrupt anyone. If there are people who barely know me, it often ends up with them pointing out that I am so quiet (which makes things worse). Or people seem to simply forget that I am still there. Or they think I'm not interested in what they are talking about. Also, I don't like physical contact, which is usually not much of a problem, because most of my friends know and respect that. But I have one friend whom I never really told that (the one I have been visiting yesterday evening), and I had one friend, he never understood why I didn't want to hug him (apparently "it makes me feel very uncomfortable" was not enough of an explanation). Same goes for parts of my family. Even though I said multiple times on our family meetings that I don't like hugs, there are still people hugging me. Some of them simply forgot that I don't want that, but one of my aunts came over to me a few times during the last years, saying "I know that you don't like hugs, but I'm hugging you anyway".

Having to explain that I don't like something that seems to be a completely normal and nice thing to everyone else over and over again makes me feel like a complete weirdo. The worse part of this is, that both getting hugged even though I don't want to and avoiding a hug by explaining I don't want to, can lead to me wanting to disappear.

 

Calling a helpline if I have no one to talk to is probably a good idea... I'm already planning to get an appointment with a professional to finally start working on those issues, but usually you have to wait more than a half year to get one (except for when you are suicidal).

 

I did ride through the forest, even though I think it is a bit dangerous to do so alone... It was the only way to get to riding without really having to talk to anyone, and it made me forget everything at least for a while.

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@Claudii I have problems socializing with others too sometimes, particularly in group conversations. Although 9/10 times I just interrupt them anyways and then hijack the conversation. Guilty as charged on the chatterbox front. I get most social cues (especially sarcasm and body language); but others I just fall flat on my face with. I agree with StormWizard212, calling a help line is probably the best option at the moment. I also find talking to animals can help a great deal. I don't know where I'd be at the moment if it hadn't been for Augusta (my family's cat) and Lucky (my family's dog). I don’t know if you have a religion or not; but sometimes praying can help. I hope you feel better soon. I know things are looking bleak right now; but just remember, it is always darkest before the dawn.

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Totally agree on the animal front. Therapy pets are such powerful things, but any animal that you're close to (whether it's yours specifically or belongs to family members) can really help elevate mood. Pets can be so important for our wellbeing. 

 

@Claudii if you have friends that aren't respecting your boundaries (or don't know about your boundaries) it might be worthwhile talking to them about it. If that's too difficult, send them a message or write them a letter to express your feelings. If they are good friends an worth your time, they will respect your wishes. It's a bit trickier with family, especially if they blatantly disregard your requests, but maybe just try to remember that with them it's probably coming from a good place. They want to be close to you and express their emotions and they're trying to do that how they know they can, even if it's not being received well. Perhaps try to look at the intention there, which sounds to be positive, even if they're going about it the wrong way.

 

Great to hear that you're taking charge of things, though, and planning to talk to someone. Best of luck with that and I hope it all goes well!

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Having a therapy pet would help.  Honestly, I think I've needed one for quite some time now, but my parents have been reluctant to get me any pet as my dad is allergic to pet hair, my mom doesn't like the animals I do, and they both feel that there's too much of an emotional attachment to a pet when it dies, which apparently negates the whole therapeutic aspect.  Of course, when I think about therapy pets for myself, I'm always thinking of reptiles, amphibians, and invertebrates.  Fish are good too, but not the typical fish, more of the catfish, eels, ropefish, and anything predatory.  Of course, all of those are animals my mom is either terrified of, thinks of as vectors for disease, or are violent.  So for now, therapy plants are all I can have.

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I've been through two cats, four goldfish, two parakeets, and six dogs, and the pain of their deaths did not negate the joys I had with them in life. Enjoy the time you have with them, make the most of it, make good memories, and be prepared for the inevitability of their death. I hope you can get a therapy dog. Is it possible you could get a dog that has hair instead of fur, like a labradoodle? 

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I don't know.  I'm planning on getting a therapy pet when I go to university (which is soon).  My mom is also adamant that dogs require a lot of care, money, effort, and they can still pee, poop, damage furniture, and bite people.  Also, you need to wash the dog or it smells and that means bringing it to the groomers since they will shed in the bathtub and clog it.  Also, fur and toenails can't be trimmed in our house either since it's dirty and I'm not qualified to  do that kind of thing.  We also travel often and traveling with a dog is a hassle, especially internationally.  Or we have to put them up in a daycare, which is expensive.  I did ask my mom why she got to grow up with a lot of pets, but wasn't interested in them now, and she said it was because I was already a lot of work and a pet would just be more work for her since she would end up being it's primary caregiver.  I've already tried to prove that I'm responsible with caring for animals (mostly insects), but she says that I'm too busy because of school.  I asked her about a cat and she said that litterboxes smell bad, cat hair everywhere, and I'm also allergic to them (not sure what scale, but 7/10 or something, meaning pretty allergic. For dogs, I'm at 4/10).  I honestly don't mind the allergies as I'd rather have a pet, but my reaction is always to sneeze myself to exhaustion, so it's probably not a good idea to get something I'll be very allergic to.  I raise caterpillars yearly and I know I'm very sensitive to their frass, but I still do it because I'd rather have my pets.

 

My mom is also worried that having a dog or cat will increase the amount of airborne pathogens, which will make her sick and have a high blood pressure.  She got an infection from soil bacteria last year while she had pneumonia and had to stay in the hospital for a week.

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@Draconiusultamius It sounds to me like your mom simply doesn't want pets around and is giving any and every excuse to justify that. Dogs aren't *that* hard to live with... The basics, like food, can be fairly cheap depending on where you shop, and I don't know where you live but there are usually low-cost options for vaccinations and vet care as well (my dog's shots cost $30 a year). They only damage the house if you don't train it, most dogs are relatively easy to potty train (because honestly they don't want to go potty in places they normally hang out). Daycare can be expensive if you travel a lot, but there may also be affordable options (the kennel I take my dog to cost $60 for a week). Of course the allergies are a legit issue, but the other things can be worked around.

 

Anyways, I came in here because I'm (once again) low-key freaking. I feel sort of whiny/needy because I've been posting here a lot lately, but.... I had a sudden, unexpected exposure to a fairly big trigger for me while watching tv, and I feel like it's something I just need to shrug off and stop thinking about, but that's proving to be really hard to do. I'm going to spoiler this since it may trigger someone else as well, eating disorder talk ahead:

Spoiler

I was watching a cooking show and someone said 'A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips' and it just... A stupid throwaway sentence like that shouldn't get to me so much but it really did. That was something I used to see, hear, tell myself, constantly when I was anorexic. I haven't starved myself in years but I never say that I'm 'cured' because I still struggle with the thoughts and feelings all the time... Sometimes I'll go weeks without even thinking about it, but then something so totally random like this just hits me the wrong way. I tell myself I would never actually go back to that, I'm so far past that now, my life is so different now... But sometimes the pull is still there, and sometimes it's really strong. And this is one thing I know I can't talk to my mom about because she gets soooo worried and paranoid and starts pushing food at me every second and I just can't deal with that. I have coping skills and such but right now I guess I just feel like I need to get it out, tell someone, yunno? Even if it's just a post on a game's forum, it feels such a relief to just type it out.

 

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