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Obscure_Trash

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I'm really frustrated with something completely out of my control and I just kind of need to get it out. For the past couple weeks our car has been struggling to start. It starts every time, but takes 5-10 tries before it "catches" or whatever (I'm not exactly good with car stuff). Well this morning it finally just didn't start at all. This morning while attempting to go to work. I have serious anxiety and any sort of situation where the outcome is uncertain is highly stressful to me, so this was very upsetting. Got a neighbor to try to jump it but it wouldn't jump. In desperation I called my case manager to ask for a ride, but she didn't pick up. Called my peer support and thank goodness she answered and ended up taking me to work (and my case manager ended up bringing me home). It took me nearly a half hour to stop feeling anxious and jittery about it after I got to work. I'm communicating with work's transportation department to try to get that set up so they can drive me until we get the car fixed, but that can't start until next week, and in the meantime I have one more day of work this week (tomorrow). Not sure how I'll get there and back tomorrow. The car... My mom took it to some auto place last week and they tested the battery and it was fine, and said it may be the alternator or fuel-something, but just to *test* to see if that's the problem will cost $100. We're looking for some place cheaper but no luck so far... Mom doesn't get her monthly retirement money until next Wednesday, and while I get paid tomorrow most of that needs to go to bills, and we don't exactly have extra money for this at all.

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My week so far has consisted of being yelled at by both customers and managers at work, literally falling in the middle of the road while on my way into work, having mood swings and fuzzy feelings from my meds, having to pay an unexpected $100 to fix my car (which I really can't afford thanks to Christmas), and just generally way too high stress levels. My elbow hurts whenever I bump it, which in itself isn't all that bad, but it just reminds me that I'm so clumsy I can hardly function. Also, not that bad, but I have a tendency to overthink and put too much pressure on myself. Lately my mantra has just been "you could have it worse" but that's not really making me feel better. I'm waiting on something important in the mail, and I have no idea when/if it will arrive and its just sitting there in the back of my mind on top of everything. I just desperately needed a place to vent my real world problems without having to actually talk to someone in person. 

 

The biggest thing that's bothering me now is my medication. When I started it, I had a period where I felt sort of disconnected, like floating where you can see whats going on but it takes effort to participate. That feeling had passed and I thought I was in the clear, but now it's back and worse than before. I'm hoping it was just because I missed a day of meds, but it seems like it would have gone away again by now. And this time of year all I want is to be excited for Christmas, and between this and everyone else's negativity, I'm quickly starting to wish the holiday was already over with.

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This is stupid, but I am a sap... something happened to Starscream in the comics I've been following and I was moved to tears -  literally crying. It was a good book, well drawn, well written and an emotional roller coster. I need a hug, and possibly someone I can chat with regarding thie comics who does not mind spoilers. But I gotta go out now. This nothing like what some people are dealing with, it's a first world problem. But still, being as emotionally linked to this character it really hit hard in the heart.

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*Hugs*

 

Message sent, Starscream. I know the feeling about crying from beloved Transformers who meet untimely demises.

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Hello. I've been far away from this place for a while, but today I'm feeling the strongest need to come back and get some things off of my chest.

 

Last summer I met a guy from another country during my vacation and stayed in touch with him for the whole year because I liked him so much. Even though I knew that nothing meaningful will come out of it such as a serious relationship, I couldn't control falling in love with him, and I did. He was the first man that ever made me feel things that he did, and he provoked some very wonderful feelings and he seemed to like me as well. We were in touch until this July when I came back to the same resort, hoping to see him again, and he said that he would come see me, and he did. And then... I was intimate with him. He was the first person I've ever done it with, and the experience itself was good, and some days later we separated because he had to go home. At the end of my summer trip I decided to tell him how I felt about him all along so I sent him a message saying everything (how I liked him in a different than a friendly way and that I'd like him to say how he feels about everything and whether he wants us to stay good friends (as I believed we were good friends first and foremost) or something extra), but he never said anything although he had seen the message. A week or so ago somehow he found me on Instagram after he made a profile and followed me. I was really mad as I couldn't understand why he'd want to have anything to do with me on another app as he had no contact with me whatsoever. This morning I saw his first Instagram post, which was a bit of a shock - he now seems to be dating a girl that he's been knowing for a while now, he actually met her some time before he came to Thassos to see me and do whatever he did with me although he probably liked her even back then. I was sick to my stomach, and I still am due to this shock, and I decided to unfriend/unfollow him on all social media channels and block him once and for all. After I've done it all I now feel some sort of, I don't know, relief and release, if you know what I mean. After he acted the way he did to me it was clear to me that he never deserved the feelings that I had for him, and if I could have controlled my feelings I'd never in my life have fallen for him in the first place. I'm sorry if it all sounds like immature yapping or what not, but all this, being my first feeling and situation of this kind, had a huge impact on me and it was toxic for me that I tried my best to stay on good terms with him without deleting and blocking him, but there was no other way apparently. At least for me. The main reason that I feel I couldn't forget him was that I constantly had reminders of him and everything I experienced with him so I was unable to separate him from the experience. I just now hope that it's finally over with and that I'll eliminate him from my system for good, and all I need now is some understanding and support to convince me that what I'm doing is right.

Edited by *Silver Fox*

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@*Silver Fox*

Terrible to hear, i feel truely sorry for that event.

I´m no expert for relationships, but i think he couldnt simply tell you via text that he already is dating someone else.

He most likely saw your message and felt terrible, he might even didnt knew that you had such feelings for him and just couldnt think of a way to explain it to you, so he made an instagram account to SHOW you all.

Takes some courage to do it via text directly, much more when in person and a picture says more than any text could, i feel and hope he just couldnt do it any other way. We are all humans.

 

I still think you did the right choice, he clearly has someone else and you shouldnt stay in the past, think of it as a very important lesson. You were intimate with him and learned it just wasnt meant to be, thats acually a great outcome when i think about my brother who learned that his first 'girlfriend' just used him as a play toy and would still use him if he didnt met her acual boyfriend during a birthday party.

 

It is also impressiv how you dealt with the situation, very mature to not simply call him out and make a huge scene, what you did was a good cut on good terms and makes it easy to just end that chapter and move on for you i bet. Many can learn from that!

Edited by Yubelchen

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15 hours ago, Yubelchen said:

@*Silver Fox*

Terrible to hear, i feel truely sorry for that event.

I´m no expert for relationships, but i think he couldnt simply tell you via text that he already is dating someone else.

He most likely saw your message and felt terrible, he might even didnt knew that you had such feelings for him and just couldnt think of a way to explain it to you, so he made an instagram account to SHOW you all.

Takes some courage to do it via text directly, much more when in person and a picture says more than any text could, i feel and hope he just couldnt do it any other way. We are all humans.

 

I still think you did the right choice, he clearly has someone else and you shouldnt stay in the past, think of it as a very important lesson. You were intimate with him and learned it just wasnt meant to be, thats acually a great outcome when i think about my brother who learned that his first 'girlfriend' just used him as a play toy and would still use him if he didnt met her acual boyfriend during a birthday party.

 

It is also impressiv how you dealt with the situation, very mature to not simply call him out and make a huge scene, what you did was a good cut on good terms and makes it easy to just end that chapter and move on for you i bet. Many can learn from that!

 

Well, you see, there are things that strongly imply that he's not a good person on an emotional level: if he was interested in that girl from the beginning, why did he come to see me and have sex with me? He could have stayed back home and work on winning her over instead of spending time with me. It's not OK, and thanks to that I partly feel used although I shouldn't feel that way because I know my worth. Also, first and foremost, as I already said, I had a feeling that we were good friends, so why didn't he tell me that he wanted us to stay on good and friendly terms if he had an interest in someone else? I offered him options and expected him to be honest with me back when I cared, he's the one who chose to ignore the strength that I gathered from my gut to tell him how I feel after a year of knowing him and communicating with him, and if I had the guts to be honest and open up about my feelings without putting any pressure on him, he could have done the same, but chose not to. That shows his cowardly choice to throw a nice friendship away, ruin everything and disrespect the person who was always nice, supportive, caring and everything else to him. Third thing, which is the most disturbing: the girl that he is dating now is just a year older than me, which is basically nothing, and physically speaking the exact type that I am - pretty, long dark hair, dark eyes, medium dark complexion, roughly the same height, slim and petite, just a little more curvy, and anyone who would see that both she and I had something to do with him would really wonder, and even question whether he really cares about this other girl or if she was just the easy way out because she is close. I strongly believed that he was a good person and a good friend to begin with and that he could have been better to me in the end because I genuinely think that I deserve a more respectful treatment. If it was the other way around I would surely respect everything it took him to say how he felt and would have found a kind way to tell him how I felt whether he'd like it or not. And all this time I kept him on social media only because I believed that I should stay on superficial, civilized terms with him, but in the end he showed that he doesn't deserve anything from me. He showed his lack of respect for me as a person and my feelings five months ago, and it was clear to me that he didn't want to have anything else with me, so why did he leave me on his facebook friend list? Why did he keep liking my photos and other things? Why did he follow me on instagram first? If he thought that we could stay friends after the way he behaved towards me as if nothing happened then he must be really stupid, and if he went all that way just to crush my heart even more then he's not even a human being, he's a monster unlike anyone else I've known. And all I want to do is forget him, all I deserve is oblivion. I don't want to remember his name, his face, and I want to separate the experience from him. I just want it all gone and I did the right thing by blocking him. And what you said about me choosing not to create drama - what would I get from that? Hating him is worse for me than it would ever be for him, and why would I choose to try to ruin his relationship? Knowing what he was like to me he's very likely to do it himself, and all I need is to break it all off (which I did), and some time to let it sink in and forget. That's it.

Edited by *Silver Fox*

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What I’m about to post may be sensitive to others. If you’ve experienced child loss and are still going through the grieving process this could be upsetting for you. Everyone deals with grief differently and for me I’ve found that it’s very helpful to write about my angel baby and share his memory.

 

 I lost my son last month. He was my first born and only pregnancy I’ve had (I’m only 21). My water broke early and he came five weeks after that at 25 weeks on December 3rd and didn’t make it. He died in my arms after doing amazingly well in the NICU all day but that evening he just went down hill so fast. His name was Everett and he weighed 1 pound 15 oz. My little man was weighing almost 3 weeks ahead of his gestational age. He was so perfect in every way and had so much hair. My husband and I have similar facial features so he looked like both of us. When he left us he took so much with him. Our hopes and plans for our future. He took a part of my heart with him and this hole that’s left.. I can’t even describe how it feels. I don’t know how to deal with it most days. I just want my baby back so much. I’ve always wanted a son first. He was everything I ever wanted and more. I miss him every day and think about him constantly.

 

Since this was my only pregnancy, it also terrifies me that this will happen again.

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1 hour ago, Mak0 said:

What I’m about to post may be sensitive to others. If you’ve experienced child loss and are still going through the grieving process this could be upsetting for you. Everyone deals with grief differently and for me I’ve found that it’s very helpful to write about my angel baby and share his memory.

 

 I lost my son last month. He was my first born and only pregnancy I’ve had (I’m only 21). My water broke early and he came five weeks after that at 25 weeks on December 3rd and didn’t make it. He died in my arms after doing amazingly well in the NICU all day but that evening he just went down hill so fast. His name was Everett and he weighed 1 pound 15 oz. My little man was weighing almost 3 weeks ahead of his gestational age. He was so perfect in every way and had so much hair. My husband and I have similar facial features so he looked like both of us. When he left us he took so much with him. Our hopes and plans for our future. He took a part of my heart with him and this hole that’s left.. I can’t even describe how it feels. I don’t know how to deal with it most days. I just want my baby back so much. I’ve always wanted a son first. He was everything I ever wanted and more. I miss him every day and think about him constantly.

 

Since this was my only pregnancy, it also terrifies me that this will happen again.

 

Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry for your loss! Not many people could possibly understand the extent of your pain and grief, but if I can do anything it's to tell you that I for one understand why you decided to share this ordeal with us, and I want you to know that although I can't do anything to ease your pain, I'm sending all the love and compassion of my being to you and your family. You are, on top of everything, two years younger than me and I can only imagine how horrible you must be feeling as this would be way too much for anyone really. You must have been really looking forward to your baby and experiencing all the joys of motherhood, and it is perfectly understandable that you are afraid. The only thing that I can advise your from this point of you is to talk to the doctors who monitored your pregnancy, or other experts in the area, as you deserve the answers if you want to get them. Also, it can help you in more than one way - apart from the much needed reassurance you would surely appreciate someone telling you that one day the fear will be gone and that you will have the family and future that you've dreamed of. Of course, nothing could possibly replace little Everett in your hearts and in your lives, and I hope that one day the void that you're feeling now is fulfilled by your dream family and that Everett will be your guardian angel watching over you from up there. I am sure that you and your husband are the exact family that he was hoping to be born into. Although there is nothing we can really do to make it any easier and less painful, I can assure you that you will receive plenty of love and support from everyone here. <3

Edited by *Silver Fox*

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@*Silver Fox* Thank you so much for your kind words <3 that’s another reason why I prefer talking to others online is for responses like yours. It really does give me comfort. Like you said, the pain doesn’t go away but it helps me get through the day and moments when I feel like I’ll break or have a panic attack. My husband and I are both military and we were at a military hospital when this all happened. We want to try again soon because we both desperately want a baby to bring home. I’m hoping when that time comes, they won’t fight us on our wishes to allow us to go to a different hospital and doctor that specializes in high risk pregnancies. I just feel like they aren’t doing everything they can to figure out why this happened and just calling it a fluke. But I’ve talked to other women that this has happened to. There are a scary amount who say that they were also told it was fluke and then it happened again during their next pregnancy. Everything about this whole situation is just so difficult. 

 

Another reason why I want to post this is to bring awareness to what happened to my family and I. What happened to me is called PPROM, never knew it existed until it happened to my son and I. They say it’s uncommon but once I started asking around and joined support groups I quickly figured out that it is a lot more common than they say. It’s hardly ever brought up by the doctors as a risk factor during pregnancy, unfortunately.

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Well, I will give this a go. 

 

I am very sick.  I have been fighting bone cancer, my PTSD and other injuries sustained while serving as a FMF Navy Corpsman and depression.  I get down and then I can get down hard on myself.  I have been using Cycling as part of my therapy, not only for my PTSD and depression, but also to help with the constant pain I am in. 

 

Last October, after completing a ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles, I had part of my clavicle, Acromim, shaved off part of the head of the arm bone and took out part of the arm bone and replaced it.  The cancer also tore up my Rotator Cuff and Labium which had to be repaired. I basically had 6surgeries in one (4 +hours). Later this month, I will start another 8 rounds of chemo. That will make a total of 34 rounds in 4 years.  Now we have to pay the deductibles. 

 

I have not been able to Cycle since my surgery.  I am trying to get back to it ASAP. I am also looking to do a special ride with my Veterans group (ProjectHero) in Denmark with the Denmark Military.  I will only have to pay for my travel to and from Denmark.  This would be a once in a lifetime epic ride for me. 

 

So any support, prayers, and good thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

 

Thank you

 

DocMumma

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This feels so small compared to others here...

 

I am miserable right now.  I can't sit for long because my sciatic nerve starts getting pinched.  This means I need to get up and move around every 15 minutes or I will hurt really badly.  Even when I do get up though, my feet are swollen and give me pain when I am standing. Even laying down isn't great.  I can sleep, somewhat.  I can't move once I lay down to change positions, though the only way I can sleep really is on my back, which I don't care for.  This has now been going on more than two weeks and I can't stand it any more.  I have been to the doctor, and it did help... some.  Going to her is what made me realize I need to stay moving.  The fact that there is no where I can really be comfortable is starting to get to me though.  I can't sit long, I can't stand long, I can't do ANYTHING.  I can barely dress myself in the morning.  I am right now an emotional wreck because I have realized that I am getting winded really quickly in addition to everything above.  I am scared that something is deeply wrong with me and I will never get better.

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@Nectaris *hugs* That's an awful thing to experience, especially if it doesn't seem to stop for so long! I'd be an emotional wreck in such a situation, too!

I hope you can find out soon what it is and how to stop it! I'm sure there is a solution that's just waiting to be found.

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I normally don't post here but maybe after I've said my piece I'll feel a little better? Perhaps some feedback? I don't know.

 

So college started back up and I was super excited about it. I'm getting my life on track pursuing a career (communication design), I absolutely love- everything just seemed to be fine and dandy. Until the anxiety began to settle in. Because of the demand my Drawing class puts out I'm extremely anxious that not all of my supplies will come in on time and trust me, its a lot. If I don't have the proper tools and items I need the professor will consider it an absence and send me home. That's not something I can afford so there's a lot of pressure behind it and everything is needed by this coming Wednesday- that's not a whole lot of time considering they're shipping from Canada and that I still need to order them. I would go to local art stores but they either: don't sell the supplies or they're out of stock. Not only that but transportation is very limited since I have to go to both college and ride the public bus so I can't just rely on a car to take me places. That's just a fraction of my stress.

 

I've never once taken a proper drawing course and drawing traditionally is very personal so having to present and be critiqued in front of everyone is extremely nerve wracking. I can present in my digital classes without a problem but when it comes to my sketches and drawings I'm very self-conscious about them. Some of the students know how to use charcoal, pastels, etc. and can utilize many different techniques such as shading, whereas I'm starting essentially, at square one. I feel extremely inferior to my colleagues and I fear that whatever I make just won't be good enough. I know I'm probably not the only one that feels this way but the thought doesn't bring much comfort. I can't help but think I'm lacking terribly so and its discouraging to the point that I'm stressed I won't be able to pass. Sometime in the semester they'll be bringing in live models for us to draw and that's another thing- I can't sketch humans to save my life. If I could set back the time to practice studies of people on my own I would but...I just don't have the time, nor do I know where to even start. Only reason everything appears so daunting to me is that if I don't pass this course I'll have to keep trying time and time again until I do- taking up both time and money. Without Drawing, I can't advance into my degree plan and there's only so much time I can spend in a community college. 

 

Another stressor is that I can't go to my family about anything when it comes to college. I live in a hotel with my father and sister, money is extremely tight. I don't have a job because 90% of my time goes to college and if I were to take one I either wouldn't have time for my homework or I wouldn't be able to sleep because I'd have to take a weekend and/or night shift position and college would still take priority in my time off. That's a lot for just one person to handle. Whenever my father complains that, "other students do it, why can't I?", just upsets me. Because honestly- if I could I would. I have a severe anxiety disorder that I can't afford the money to see a doctor about and having all that stress at one time would ruin what's left of my health, which isn't much remaining. Not only that, but having an art major is very demanding. I have three courses (another course on top of those), that consist of drawing, two of which (typography and digital illustration), that have to be done both traditionally and digitally and that's a lot of work. We're given a general idea or topic and the rest is up to us to decide what is to be done unless specifically specified. There's a lot of focusing, trial and error, revision, and a lot of hours that go into making these pieces just to make sure that they meet the professor's requirements. It can get intense sometimes trying to meet those deadlines. 

 

By no means am I complaining about the workload, its just my family doesn't understand just how devoted I have to be to this career. Its as if just because I have an art major its not taken as seriously as any other major to them. My dad often makes comments like "art isn't hard, you're just drawing" or he'll compare it to some other major or career that has nothing to do with the arts, just to show how "easy" it is. Not all jobs are the same, some are handled differently than others yet he just doesn't seem to understand that. Its as if nothing I say or do will satisfy him because he always has some form of comeback to say- even though he's never been in college himself. So talking to him about my problems or even just to vent never helps because it always backfires onto me. 

 

I'm not someone who gives up when things get rough and if anything, I buckle down and try even harder, so there's no way that I'm going to back out of college- or my classes. Its just I needed a safe way to vent about my worries and stress. As of now I'll be the very first person in my entire family to graduate college and to me that would mean the world to see myself succeed. So I do all that I can to ensure I reach that goal, no matter the cost. Even if its a rough path to get there. 

 

I kind of feel silly for posting here because I don't want to come off as whiney, I know a lot of people probably have it worse than I. But I felt it would help my mood and might even get some pointers that could help assist me for my class. If anything though I could use a hug or even just some kind words would be enough to make my day. 

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I feel like I'm about to have a meltdown. My grandmother passed away leaving my 89 year old grandfather by himself. My parents are flying out Monday to go visit him (as they already made plans). We're now looking to move their instead of Texas like we originally planned and I'm super nervous about moving out there as it's a highly unfamiliar place to me and I'm worried about moving from a place that is familiar (not to mention the crime rate). If there's anyone living in Vegas, please help me calm down :( I really don't know ow what to expect when we move out there

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9 hours ago, Dalek Raptor said:

I feel like I'm about to have a meltdown. My grandmother passed away leaving my 89 year old grandfather by himself. My parents are flying out Monday to go visit him (as they already made plans). We're now looking to move their instead of Texas like we originally planned and I'm super nervous about moving out there as it's a highly unfamiliar place to me and I'm worried about moving from a place that is familiar (not to mention the crime rate). If there's anyone living in Vegas, please help me calm down :( I really don't know ow what to expect when we move out there

 

I am so sorry for your loss, I'm going through the exact same thing.

My grandma, my mother's mum who lived with us, died yesterday at the age of 77. She was weak and lost a lot of weight and was a little sick, but she had no known chronic illness and yesterday she seemed fine as any other day. I was listening to the radio in my room when I heard my mum cry: "Mum, mum!" Knowing that she usually called her by her name instead of "mum" I got frantic and called the ambulance, and then placed my grandma on the floor and asked my mother to help me perform CPR on her. We were doing it for ten minutes until the ambulance arrived, and they tried to reanimate her for a solid half an hour, but sadly there was no remedy for her and she passed away. We are currently organizing her funeral which will be held on Tuesday and we'll find a way to cope with this loss somehow. We are still in one hell of a shock as nothing implied to the possibility of her death, but at least we are trying to convince ourselves that we did everything we could, it just wasn't meant for us to save her. We will be missing her a lot as she had been living with us ever since I can remember, and it will be so strange and void to see our home without her.

As for the unplanned moving to Vegas, I honestly hope that you can somehow overcome your anxiety and that there will be someone to tell you everything you wish to know about that new, unfamiliar environment. :wub:

Edited by *Silver Fox*

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@DarknessDragon197 *hugs* I'm no artist, but I do know how it feels to be in a new environment with mostly unknown expectations - and the few known one looking so huge it seems hard to not break down under them. I'm confident you will manage though. You've come so far, and you'll get even farther before you even know it. I can't help with advice, so instead I'm offering another {{{internet hug}}}

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I feel like I just need a hug. I'm so overwhelmed. I've been working 40 hrs a week (I work 3-4 days a week) in my future career, so everything has to be perfect all of the time for the sake of my future, and I take classes in between (one of the most difficult classes in my program with hours of hw nightly). I'm commuting a hour from home to school every day and essentially living out of a suitcase, crashing at my bf's house (paying rent on a home that I barely even stay at). In addition to all of this, my bf has been extremely sick lately (he had the same GI bug I had), and I took care of him exclusively. Now he's having complications and he's really really bad off, and I'm trying to care for him, and nothing I'm doing is helping and he's becoming impatient with me. And now he's telling me that I'm not doing enough to keep up with my appearance... but all I'm doing is working and studying and I have very little time for laundry, cooking, cleaning, maintaining my junk car, taking care of everything he needs from me, etc. and so any extra time sleeping is appreciated... so now I feel gross and disgusting and that I'm completely useless. I'm also so extremely weak from that bug... I lost 10 lbs and I currently weigh the same as I did sophomore year of high school. I'm just so overwhelmed, but I really want to succeed.... ugh...

 

ETA: I also thought "hey, I've got a bit of extra funds saved up... I'm gonna treat myself to a new tattoo [a pretty affordable one, at that], and my bf tells me not to get it because green tattoos look ugly on me and make me look like a lizard... (I have a large tattoo on my back that has a lot of green in it)... I think he's just against tattoos in general... but I had 3 before I ever started dating him. :( 

Edited by Earth Gurl

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45 minutes ago, Earth Gurl said:

: I also thought "hey, I've got a bit of extra funds saved up... I'm gonna treat myself to a new tattoo [a pretty affordable one, at that], and my bf tells me not to get it because green tattoos look ugly on me and make me look like a lizard...

 

 

I'm sorry but, tattoos are supposed to be for you, not him! Get one if it makes you happy, dang it! I don't know if he's always like this, but he sounds really mean. (maybe it's stress from being sick? but that's no excuse to treat your caretaker like crap...). I hope you manage to get through these hard times! Sending you strength!

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@Earth Gurl As with Mage, I think your bf is pretty mean.  Hopefully, I won't offend you too much by saying this, but if I were you, I'd dump him.  You don't need someone like that in your life.  From what you've said, he seems really superficial as he seems super concerned about what you look like and not about the other problems you mentioned.  You're an adult, you can make your own decisions and you don't need his constant complaining.  He really doesn't seem to appreciate you.  Also, not sure if this will offend you, but I don't see anything wrong with looking like a lizard anyways ;) 

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7 hours ago, Earth Gurl said:

and that I'm completely useless

You're not! You get done so much, I don't think I could if I were in your place.

I hope you feel better soon! *hugs*

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@Earth Gurl I have to agree with the others. It's one thing to not like tattoos in general, but to say it looks ugly on you (and makes you look like a lizard wtf?) isn't right. There are plenty of other ways to express dislike of tattoos without insulting the person, and especially someone you are dating should be more tactful then that. I don't want to read too much into it, but if he's that focused on what you look like, that may be a bit of a red flag.

 

As for me... I'm sorta just overwhelmed right now and flailing and things keep getting in the way and arrrgghhh. It's time to renew my eligibility for food stamps (every 6 months, ugh), which is fine, it's a pain in the neck because it means getting up super-early to be at DES when it opens and then waiting there for a good 2-3 hours, but it's nothing out of the ordinary. But then I got a letter in the mail saying that my *medical insurance* was being *stopped* at the end of this month because I didn't 'complete the renewal process'..... Except I DID. They sent a letter stating they needed proof of income, and showing what counted as proof of income, and I sent that to them. Before Christmas. Cue me *flailing* and freaking out... I have mental disorders that mean I'm on medications that cost upwards of $300 a month, plus weekly meetings with my peer support and psych-doctor appts every 2 months. My *sanity* depends on having access to those thing. I make, on average, $300 a month. There is simply no way possible for me to actually *pay* for my medical costs myself, it's simply not possible. So yeah, totally freaking out. I've spent a long time on the phone with the DES people, and got as far as someone confirming that they did indeed receive the proof of income that I sent, and that it was acceptable, and that I need to talk to a specialist who can reverse the insurance-stop because the person I was talking to didn't have authorization for that... And then when they transferred me to the specialist there were a lot of beeps and then the call was disconnected. *flaaail* So I tried again, went through the whole process all over again on the phone, once again they said they had to transfer me to a specialist, and once again there were beeps and then disconnected. That was last Friday. I've been calling repeatedly to try yet again, but the estimated wait time is always over an hour and I simply don't have that kind of minutes to spare on my free, limited-use cell phone. So I'm probably going to have to actually go to the DES office to settle this, which is technically fine since I have to go there to renew those food stamps anyways, except I have until the 15th of next month for the food stamps and only a week until my medical insurance gets cut off. We've tried to plan to go to DES multiple times this past week and always something happened to stop us (including car not starting). So.... I'm just a little stressed right now.

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Thank you, everyone. I've been talking to him about how some of the things he says puts me down. He says that he's just joking with me most of the time... but I'm just so overwhelmed. I don't have the time to straighten my hair and wear nice formal clothing every day to class and work. I barely have time to do laundry. I've been putting in the effort, though, I bought makeup for both his house, my house, and my parents house so I don't have to haul it around (and I don't mean  nice makeup, I mean dollar store stuff XD). But he says stuff to me sometimes like last night "Can you please run a brush through your hair so it doesn't look like crap tomorrow". I mean I had just gotten out of the shower... I said something last night that was kind of mean, too,  I guess. He drinks quite often, but he has an illness where it's not very good for him. The other night we were with one of his friends and he was feeling very poorly, and I told him, just stop drinking now (they had almost finished a 30 pack of Natural Light), and his friend went on and on about how he was less of a man if he quit drinking. So I said last night that he succumbs to peer pressure easily. He got really furious and said that I didn't need to say things like that to put him down and make him feel bad about himself. But I don't know how to word telling him that things he says about my appearance really hurt my feelings. I was bullied my whole life for being the "ugly girl", which I know now is far from the truth, but I have a lot of body image issues. It doesn't offend me ya'll telling me like it is. I've been in wayyy worse situations with a boy who never wanted to compromise or hear me out. I have some confidence that I can convince my bf to listen to what I have to say. I'm probably going to end up getting the tattoo anyway. I just refuse to change something about myself that I've loved and has been one of my favorite attributes. I love tattoos. Absolutely love them. Always have. And I love my tattoos. I think they're very pretty and they mean a lot to me.

 

He made a big deal about them when we first started dating, too. About how his parents would look down on me and be super against us dating and he would be embarrassed if they saw them. I became very self conscious and wore a sweater over to their house in 90 degree weather. When they finally saw them one day, they were taken aback, but they really didn't care. They liked me for me. Same thing with his grandparents that he said would be against it. His family is very open and welcoming to me and don't judge me. I told him he was an idiot for making me so scared.

 

I hope I start feeling more appreciated soon. I try my best to be good for him, and he's gone through a lot of changes as well. It's an ongoing process, I suppose I just had to vent. We're both still young, growing, and learning.

 

21 hours ago, Marie19R said:

I got a letter in the mail saying that my *medical insurance* was being *stopped* at the end of this month because I didn't 'complete the renewal process'..... Except I DID. They sent a letter stating they needed proof of income, and showing what counted as proof of income, and I sent that to them. Before Christmas. Cue me *flailing* and freaking out... I have mental disorders that mean I'm on medications that cost upwards of $300 a month, plus weekly meetings with my peer support and psych-doctor appts every 2 months. My *sanity* depends on having access to those thing. I make, on average, $300 a month. There is simply no way possible for me to actually *pay* for my medical costs myself, it's simply not possible. So yeah, totally freaking out. I've spent a long time on the phone with the DES people, and got as far as someone confirming that they did indeed receive the proof of income that I sent, and that it was acceptable, and that I need to talk to a specialist who can reverse the insurance-stop because the person I was talking to didn't have authorization for that... And then when they transferred me to the specialist there were a lot of beeps and then the call was disconnected. *flaaail* So I tried again, went through the whole process all over again on the phone, once again they said they had to transfer me to a specialist, and once again there were beeps and then disconnected. That was last Friday. I've been calling repeatedly to try yet again, but the estimated wait time is always over an hour and I simply don't have that kind of minutes to spare on my free, limited-use cell phone. So I'm probably going to have to actually go to the DES office to settle this, which is technically fine since I have to go there to renew those food stamps anyways, except I have until the 15th of next month for the food stamps and only a week until my medical insurance gets cut off. We've tried to plan to go to DES multiple times this past week and always something happened to stop us (including car not starting). So.... I'm just a little stressed right now.

 

This same thing happened to me! And I was finally going to get to go to therapy for the first time for my concussion issues, now I have no health insurance. The whole process is a joke. They did something similar last year as well. I signed up for a low payment one because I have very little income, about $80 a month, and they swapped plans on me and charged me $375(!!!!) a month! (Way more than my RENT). Luckily, my parents stepped in to help me out, but I wasn't sure what I was going to do there for while... I still feel horrible about it.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You'll make it! I found the best way to get results, is to speak to people in person. I sincerely hope everything works out for you <3 

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@Earth Gurl-Sweetie, reading your post raised so many red flags it made my heart hurt.  Your BF sounds like an immature, emotionally abusive bully with a possible drinking problem.  He is not joking, he's deflecting.  There is no reason on this planet to be wearing formal makeup/dress for classes and as far as work...it depends on the job.  Him plus one friend and a 30 pack nearly finished?  That's 10-12 beers each!  With an illness that makes it worse?!  I get being young and changing/learning, but I think you should think long and hard about exactly what you're getting out of this, and how exactly being with this guy is good for you.

 

Gosh, I wish Sock was here, she could say it so much better....

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Yeah, I've heard that "just joking"-thing way too many times myself. It's such an easy and lazy way to deflect any criticism.

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