Relationships!

[brairtrainer]

OKay, it's been like 6 months now for my boyfriend and I and apparently he thought I was mad at him. Everyone was making me feel bad about it even though I WASN'T mad at him and I had NO idea what I even did to make him think that. My friend was like "Look, he's a sweet guy. Just try to be nicer to him." I don't know what I did. :/ So I felt bad about that.

Well, then my other friend told me today that when he first met us all, he didn't think my boyfriend and I were dating. He thought it was him and one of my other friends. But never once did he think that my boyfriend and I were dating. In fact, he didn't think I liked my boyfriend at all because I always seemed to be annoyed by him. Yes, he does get annoying at times but that's when he decides to be stupid. Anyway, and then my friend said that he bets by the end of the school year, my boyfriend is going to do something stuoid and I was going to most likely end up getting hurt.

Okay, yes, my boyfriend is stupid. But not stupid enough to do something to ruin our relationship.

I told my boyfriend about this and he got all sad thinking about it...we didn't even really talk about it because neither of us wants to think about it.

My friend tells me that he constantly worries about me since I'm in pain all the time because I have back problems and apparently I'm 99% of what he talks about. So, the thought of him doing something to hurt me and ruin our relationship it hard to believe, but it also pains me to think about it.

I don't know. today has been quite the odd day.

Oh, I got my first kiss a couple weeks ago. It made me happy.

My friend thinks that my other friend that told me he doesn't think my boyfriend and I aren't going to last very much longer likes me.

I'm so confused...

Most likely your friend does like you. The guy I brother zoned told me that if my boyfriend wasn't good enough for me he'd slap him around a bit, and about a year later I learned that it wasn't just concern for me that he was saying that but also the fact that he liked me

[MysticMusician]

I'd suggest letting it ride for awhile more and seeing where it leads. A few weeks isn't much to go on, especially if you aren't meeting outside of school on even so much as the friend level. It's normal at your age to get a crush on a someone that's interested in the same things you are and who behaves pleasantly, but it's important for you yourself to decide if it is a simple crush or if there's a chance of it being more before you think ahead to a possible relationship.

 

Also- decide which is more important to you at this point in time before you decide to say anything or not: friend or boyfriend. It's hard to back step from boyfriend/girlfriend to friend for some people.

Thanks for the advice. I think maybe I'll try talking to him outside of school, like ask him if he wants to hang out one day or something. I hadn't really thought about that

[IvanYouAteMySock]

Most likely your friend does like you. The guy I brother zoned told me that if my boyfriend wasn't good enough for me he'd slap him around a bit, and about a year later I learned that it wasn't just concern for me that he was saying that but also the fact that he liked me

Well, my friend is like 3 years older than me so thinking that he likes me is kinda weird. But he tends to enoy screwing with my relationship and just can't nderstand why I'm dating my boyfriend. And he's complimented my hair before. But that might've just been a compliment. I dunno.

It's rather confusing.

Eh, I dunno.

[brairtrainer]

Either its that or he has over protective brother syndrome

[eritated]

Sooo I've been pondering this for a bit now...

 

Is it a good idea to tell a guy you like them? He's acting like he did when he liked me, and we're talking a lot more now (and he's being nicer) since my last post (although I still can't get him to hand out after school).

 

I'm not sure why, but I just feel like I should tell him... But I wanted to ask here before I do anything stupid xP

 

[Gsea]

Sooo I've been pondering this for a bit now...

 

Is it a good idea to tell a guy you like them? He's acting like he did when he liked me, and we're talking a lot more now (and he's being nicer) since my last post (although I still can't get him to hand out after school).

 

I'm not sure why, but I just feel like I should tell him... But I wanted to ask here before I do anything stupid xP

 

I'm just gonna say, every time I've ever told a guy I liked him, we ended up:

 

a. 'going out' even if for a little while - in this case, I was the one to end it...both times.

b. liking each other but not doing anything

c. he didn't like me back and we still stayed good friends and then he did eventually like me back

 

I say, go for it! A few months ago I might have been on the fence about this, but based on how things have been going with my long-time crush and based on the fact that he ended up liking me back and I was the one to break things off, I'd say that, in the long run, telling him will pay off. If you're not like me and you actually can see yourself sticking with this guy and not running away from him like I often do, then go ahead, tell him! It can only make things better, it can't really make things worse. Worst case scenario, he turns you down and you maintain a friendship or eventually get back your friendship, if for a little while things are awkward between you. It depends.

 

Notice how I brought myself into this. I tend to do that..

Edited November 21, 2012 by glamoursea2

[eritated]

I'm just gonna say, every time I've ever told a guy I liked him, we ended up:

 

a. 'going out' even if for a little while - in this case, I was the one to end it...both times.

b. liking each other but not doing anything

c. he didn't like me back and we still stayed good friends and then he did eventually like me back

 

I say, go for it! A few months ago I might have been on the fence about this, but based on how things have been going with my long-time crush and based on the fact that he ended up liking me back and I was the one to break things off, I'd say that, in the long run, telling him will pay off. If you're not like me and you actually can see yourself sticking with this guy and not running away from him like I often do, then go ahead, tell him! It can only make things better, it can't really make things worse. Worst case scenario, he turns you down and you maintain a friendship or eventually get back your friendship, if for a little while things are awkward between you. It depends.

 

Notice how I brought myself into this. I tend to do that..

I don't think sticking with him is too much of a problem for me. He's the first guy I've liked, and it's been since May. =P

 

Any suggestions on how to bring this up? We don't have school again until Monday, and I'd rather not tell him in person anyways.... So I'll have to resort to telling him through text, but we don't text much anymore...

[Gsea]

Well even if you don't text him much anymore, try to start up a conversation (via text) and maybe say 'i haven't texted you in a while' if you think it would seem -too- suspicious that you suddenly start texting him. And if/when you manage to start a conversation that he seems to be responding to you enough, then think about telling him (:

[Qwackie]

I'm thirteen and have come to realize that relationships around my age are pointless. I had one boyfriend for like two days and then I broke up with him saying something under the effect of "What the heck is the point of this?"

I'm really picky, though. I refuse to go out with people (when I come to an age where I want to) who don't share my interests and beliefs. I think that it will sort of hinder me when I first start dating, but in the end keeping my standards high will pay off, instead of someone yelling at me because I'm not the same religion or that my music is too loud and he can't speak the language it's in.

I still look at guys- it's hard not to when you're a young, volatile potion of hormones- but I try to keep my distance emotionally from them... if that makes any sense. Look, but don't touch.

[StormWizard212]

I'm thirteen and have come to realize that relationships around my age are pointless. I had one boyfriend for like two days and then I broke up with him saying something under the effect of "What the heck is the point of this?"

What's the point of a relationship at any age? Comfort, companionship, reliability, etc. That's what I've always taken out of a good relationship, regardless of how old I was at the time. For me, age has never really come into the equation. The kinds of things I look for in a relationship are things that have benefited me since my first relationship. Which was around the pre-adolescent period.

[xShadow]

I'm thirteen and have come to realize that relationships around my age are pointless. I had one boyfriend for like two days and then I broke up with him saying something under the effect of "What the heck is the point of this?"

I'm really picky, though. I refuse to go out with people (when I come to an age where I want to) who don't share my interests and beliefs. I think that it will sort of hinder me when I first start dating, but in the end keeping my standards high will pay off, instead of someone yelling at me because I'm not the same religion or that my music is too loud and he can't speak the language it's in.

I still look at guys- it's hard not to when you're a young, volatile potion of hormones- but I try to keep my distance emotionally from them... if that makes any sense. Look, but don't touch.

I do like the way you think, though I would add that 13 is still a very young age, and probably your "looking at guys" has just begun. Don't rush it, keep being childish if you want, you'll have plenty of time for serious dating and serious relationships.

 

Also, loved the fact that you don't want to lower your standards, I do think that is a very good thing... but depending on the kind of person (personality and character), some fall in love with people that are not quite (or completely the opposite of) what they always wanted to be. When you fall for someone, most of times, I'd say you learn to accept the differences if he or she is not the perfect version. :3

 

 

[bluesonic1]

You know the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?" (Close enough anyway...)

Am I the only one here who doesn't think it's better; and that it would have been better to have not loved at all? Just curious

[TikindiDragon]

You know the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?" (Close enough anyway...)

Am I the only one here who doesn't think it's better; and that it would have been better to have not loved at all? Just curious

When you are suffering from heartbreak it does feel very much like that, yes. I know I've felt that way in my time. That said I *did* learn some valuble lessons from the experience, so if nothing else it can be said to be a learning experience to make the next one better.

[MURDERcomplexx]

I'm thirteen and have come to realize that relationships around my age are pointless. I had one boyfriend for like two days and then I broke up with him saying something under the effect of "What the heck is the point of this?"

I'm really picky, though. I refuse to go out with people (when I come to an age where I want to) who don't share my interests and beliefs. I think that it will sort of hinder me when I first start dating, but in the end keeping my standards high will pay off, instead of someone yelling at me because I'm not the same religion or that my music is too loud and he can't speak the language it's in.

I still look at guys- it's hard not to when you're a young, volatile potion of hormones- but I try to keep my distance emotionally from them... if that makes any sense. Look, but don't touch.

As far as not dating people with your interests, I think as long as you guys are cool with each others differences that dating someone who doesn't like all the same stuff as you is a good thing.

 

That whole "opposites attract" schtick actually does have some merit I think.

 

Sometimes it makes the relationship way more interesting.

[lightbird]

As far as not dating people with your interests, I think as long as you guys are cool with each others differences that dating someone who doesn't like all the same stuff as you is a good thing.

 

That whole "opposites attract" schtick actually does have some merit I think.

 

Sometimes it makes the relationship way more interesting.

Mhm.

 

Personally I think that what matters more is intellectual and emotional compatibility, and basic moral code similarities, as well as being confident enough to accept differences and rely that the other person might accept them as well... and basically being able to not be an ass towards each other just because you can.

 

Within that, you can have very different interests and still be a very good partner for each other.

For example, I've never understood those couples who try to restrict someone else's interests on the basis of them being "stupid"/not being in the other person's field of fancy.

 

I also think that being with someone who agrees with you on mostly everything is actually kind-of boring and doesn't help much to expand your world-view.

Edited December 12, 2012 by lightbird

[MURDERcomplexx]

I also think that being with someone who agrees with you on mostly everything is actually kind-of boring and doesn't help much to expand your world-view.

Yeah, me too.

 

I mean I guess everyone has their own compatabilities and that sort of thing but I just

If you can't teach each other about different interests or even cultures it doesn't seem very fun.

[MedievalMystic]

I'm a lot older than a lot of you so my views on relationships might be a little different. I'm not in a relationship now, and I'm not sure I want to be. I'm not sure I really believe in happily ever after and 'forever' anymore. Be that as it may, imo, I think the most important thing in a relationship is being with someone that, just by being around, enhances your life and just makes it feel like a better, warmer, safer, more beautiful place, and most importantly, makes you want to be a better person.

 

 

One thing, and imo, a big mistake, people make in relationships is making one excuse after another for bad behavior from their partners. I've seen this in RL countless times, and read about it over and over again on the net. Women, especially, don't stand by their deal breakers. And to me, that's a recipe for disaster. If your partner crosses the line, not just once, but over and over, obviously, there's a big, fat problem. My personal rule in that aspect of a relationship is simply 'three strikes you're out'. And I stand by that come hell or high water, and the fact that my guy might have the most beautiful blue eyes, looks like a God, and my heart just skips every time he looks my way be damned. lol Some things just aren't acceptable no matter what.

 

I do think that couples should have some things in common, and have somewhat similar natures. I tend to be a loner, I'm introverted, pretty quiet, crave solitude, hate crowds, etc, so dating someone who was a major extrovert, who loved being in the spotlight, surrounded by and/or around people all the time, etc, would drive me mad within a week. Then again, I would want to be with someone that was quiet like me, but had interests that I might be interested in. Like...camping. I've never been, but would love to hook up with someone who has and would share that with me.

 

I guess the main thing I've learned about relationships, any relationship, at my age, is that they need to bring you peace. If you're not at peace, free from worry and anxiety and misery the vast majority of the time, you're not with who you need to be with. Every relationship has bumps in the road and the stress that goes with them. Every couple argus and disagrees. But I don't think that anything that could be called good ever crosses the line and gets downright ugly and nasty. That's my two cents for what it's worth.

[MURDERcomplexx]

I kinda wonder if anybody gets real anxiety about relationships and the like as much as I do.

 

I was single for

I wanna say a little over a year.

 

And I just got into a relationship after all that time only being responsible for myself and it felt p great.

 

And so the prospect of being with somebody is cool and all but

A part of me likes being really independent.

I kind of made it clear with the guy that I'm distant/not very affectionate/don't like to be bogged down and he said he would be patient with me.

 

But I still

I dunno.

 

Whenever he mentions being romantic my stomach does that flip floppy gambit and not in a good way either I just get hella nervous and laugh awkwardly because I have no freaking clue what to do.

[MedievalMystic]

I can relate to the 'single' perspective. I like being single for a lot of reasons. It has it's perks.

 

Maybe you aren't quite ready to become involved. Maybe this anxiety is just your gut telling you that whatever this guy is doing and how's he's doing it just isn't quite right for you. Obviously if you're feeling like you've described, something isn't meshing. I find it hard to get into relationships. I've had more than my fair share of them over the years, but I'm not an easy person to get close to. I don't like pressure, or feeling pushed. It's an absolute and immediate turn off. If a guy tries to so much as kiss me before I'm ready for it, I'll go as cold as a fish on ice in a skinny second. My signals are very clear, there's no mistaking them. If someone just pushes me beyond my comfort zone before I'm ready and won't stop, I'm done. I can't deal with it, and I don't want to. Guys that have managed to get into serious, long term relationships with me, including my ex husband, backed the hell up when my body language told them to. Unless I want someone to touch me in any way, even holding my hand, they best not. I don't like feeling uncomfortable, and I'll avoid anything and anyone who makes me feel that way. I want to get to know someone, and I want to know them very well, before I ever get physical, and to me that means spending some serious time together without any physical contact at all, for a significant amount of time.

 

Sorry for the babble. I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe this guy is just pushing you for something you aren't ready to give. He knows you want and need space. If he doesn't give it, or asks for what you can't give yet one time too often, and it causes anxiety or makes you uncomfortable, maybe he just isn't the right guy. It's ok to try and get to know you, but he needs to do it on your terms, and he should want you to be totally at ease, whatever it takes. If your body language is telling him to back off, he should.

 

I hope that makes some sense. I'm tired.

[MURDERcomplexx]

Nah you're making sense.

 

It's kind of that way for me too.

I hate being touched sometimes and I think that maybe a part of me is just really put off by relationships at this point (I'm only 20 idk I like my freedom.)

 

I keep thinking I want to wait for someone that actually subsides that discomfort that I always get and I feel like I'm always snubbing the guy somehow and I don't want to hurt his feelings because he's a really nice guy and I liked being his friend but

 

I'm actually really terrible about relationships lmao.

 

Sure sometimes I'll get lonely but most of the time I'm really content with being myself especially when I get in those moods where I don't feel like freaking talking to anybody.

[MedievalMystic]

If I were you, I'd listen to that part of yourself that's telling you to wait. You're probably getting that vibe for a good reason. Plus, you're really young. You have your whole life for relationships. Find a mate when you feel it's time, when you feel really good about someone. If you aren't totally comfortable with someone, there's no sense in rushing it.

 

Edit: Oh, and don't do something you don't want to do just to avoid hurting someone's feelings, especially if you're straight up in the beginning about your feelings of needing time and space. In other words, don't compromise yourself for someone that you aren't already skin tight with. Nobody that's worthy will ask it of you. Anyone that demands or pushes you to compromise your principles is only thinking of themselves, not you. Let them get their feelings hurt. They'll live.

 

 

 

Edited December 13, 2012 by MedievalMystic

[TikindiDragon]

w/regards the opposites attract thing - that's something else that is really down to individual personalities and how they mesh.

 

My partner and I don't fight. Literally, if we've had one argument in the 8 years we've been together I can't actually remember it. And we don't fight for the simple reason that we don't really disagree about anything. We seem to hold most of the same basic values, the same sort of outlook on life, and we braodly share the same interests. He's my best friend, as well as my partner, and that's partially because we share a lot of the things we like to do.

 

Don't get me wrong, we're not identical and there *are* differences (I, for example, am a regular church-going Christian - he thinks we've all got screws loose), but those are faaaaar outweighed by the similarities. For us, this is ideal. Neither of us like conflict, and being with a person that's so similar tends to minimise conflict. Neither of us can really understand how peple live in relationships where they do fight. That doesn't invalidate those relationships, it's just something we can't 'get'. My sister can't, either, and while there are somewhat more differences between her and her husband than between Himself and I they still fall into the 'broadly agree on everything' category.

 

I'll balance this by saying that we know quite a few people in what could be described as 'volatile' relationships. Some good friends of ours, who have now been married for some 6 years and have kids, have been known to have blazing rows - and I know she threw plates at him at one point. Yet they're happy, and still together. Likewise my cousin argues and disagrees with her husband of 5 years, yet they're very well settled and have just had their second child.

 

So, yeah. Personalities and relationship styles do differ between individuals, and you need to be pretty aware of yourself to be able to know if things are likely to work. I know I would be utterly miserable with someone if I ever had blazing rows with them - other people really enjoy the make-up sex part. I know I want to share my time and interests with the most important person in my life - but plenty of people like to have seperate interests from their partner, and perhaps not spend quite so much time together. We usually go out for the night together - but I can't tell you the number of people I know that prefer 'girls nights out', or 'lads night down the pub'. Different strokes for different folks.

 

For me, opposites really *don't* attract. Just to balance that perspective a little

 

Most importantly, as I've said before, know yourself and be comfortable with yourself. That's the starting point for *all* sucessful relationships, wether that be with a partner, a friend, or a parent.

[Kestra15]

If you're at the point where you have to draw a spider diagram with all of your partner's good and bad points in order to work out if it's worth continuing that relationship...would it be fair to say that you've already answered that question before you even begin?

[TikindiDragon]

If you're at the point where you have to draw a spider diagram with all of your partner's good and bad points in order to work out if it's worth continuing that relationship...would it be fair to say that you've already answered that question before you even begin?

I think, once you're past the chemical love stage, that everyone has the odd moment of doubt. Long term relationships do require some work, after all. But if you're effectively trying to convince yourself of the good points... then maybe you have already answered the question. A person could be the most fantastic individual in the world, but if you aren't happy being with them (or unhappy more often than you are happy), then it's not really going to work.

[Kestra15]

I think, once you're past the chemical love stage, that everyone has the odd moment of doubt. Long term relationships do require some work, after all. But if you're effectively trying to convince yourself of the good points... then maybe you have already answered the question. A person could be the most fantastic individual in the world, but if you aren't happy being with them (or unhappy more often than you are happy), then it's not really going to work.

It was kinda the death knell for the whole relationship when I found that particular piece of work. Worked harder than ever to keep it going, but it looks like I had lost from that point on in retrospect.