Emotional Support

edwardelricfreak · November 8, 2014

Kiara: Oh, and also hopefully make sure whatever place you're going to has security cameras or something, possibly. Maybe just a cafe or whatever; some place small with not too many people that it gets confusing but not so few that it's easy for something to happen and no one's around to notice.

Shienvien · November 8, 2014

Yes. And it's even easier to play a role and fool someone on the net. Caution, imo, is warranted, especially with people you meet on the net.

Caution is always warranted. I disagree it being *more* warranted on the net, though - in some instances, it is easier to notice the red flag behavioural patterns over net because you can always go back and read over what was said (or see that it was redacted, which can be a sign by itself) as opposed to just counting on your memory, etc . Some people are better at BSing IRL just because they are highly charismatic and know how to appear confident. "They looked like a nice person" doesn't necessarily work as well over text.

As far as meeting someone for the first time goes - pick a public place with some people around. Pretty much a rule. And yes, telling someone where you are is always a wise idea.

The only time it's ok to 'meddle' in someone's relationship is if they ASK for your advice or help. If they don't ask, imo, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

Can just agree to disagree here, I guess... Since I am not the kind of person to let people I consider friends to unknowingly

themselves over without even mentioning something *once*.

MedievalMystic · November 8, 2014

Caution is always warranted. I disagree it being *more* warranted on the net, though - in some instances, it is easier to notice the red flag behavioural patterns over net because you can always go back and read over what was said (or see that it was redacted, which can be a sign by itself) as opposed to just counting on your memory, etc . Some people are better at BSing IRL just because they are highly charismatic and know how to appear confident. "They looked like a nice person" doesn't necessarily work as well over text.

Maybe. If you're the type that keeps every note from someone. Some don't.

Since I am not the kind of person to let people I consider friends to unknowingly themselves over without even mentioning something *once*.

Relationships are a whole different ball game than someone *** Please completely censor words themselves over in other ways. In some situations it's best to speak up and try to help, no doubt about it. I was talking about relationships when I said it's best to keep your mouth shut. Tell your best friend that you saw her man with someone else...just once...and see what happens when he denies it. Who do you think she's going to believe? You? A friend can piss and moan all day, every day about what a lousy his/her SO is...but agree with them and see how quickly they come to that 's defense. A triangle in a relationship situation is never a good idea. Again, imo, it's best to stay the hell out of it.

Edited November 9, 2014 by SockPuppet Strangler

Shienvien · November 8, 2014

I was talking about relationships when I said it's best to keep your mouth shut. Tell your best friend that you saw her man with someone else...just once...and see what happens when he denies it. Who do you think she's going to believe? You? A friend can piss and moan all day, every day about what a lousy his/her SO is...but agree with them and see how quickly they come to that 's defense. A triangle in a relationship situation is never a good idea. Again, imo, it's best to stay the hell out of it.

Aside of my friends/acquaintances being predominantly male, including the one I'd perhaps consider my best friend, and the fact that just *seeing* someone with another person means absolutely nothing unless they are kissing or doing something otherwise clearly exclusive to people in relationship. I don't know how many times I myself have stepped into a diner accompanied by only a single male friend/acquaintance without either of us having any romantic feelings towards the other... We feel hungry, we eat, simple as that. Nowadays not so often (rather, they simply drop by my house), but during university, you could probably find me in someplace between or after lectures a couple of times a week.

For the matter of fact, I've intervened. And in the end, they are still my friend, whereas the other half is long ex and gone. So there's that. Also note that 'friend' is a very strong word for me - in practice reserved for people who are as close to me as it gets. Closer than my own mother, for one... The person you spend time with every now and then and enjoy talking about random things about is an acquaintance by my definition, and not a friend.

Maybe. If you're the type that keeps every note from someone. Some don't.

Emails typically stay there till you delete them. Skype by default stores your logs. So do many other IM services. FB doesn't really delete things even when you delete them...

MedievalMystic · November 8, 2014

Aside of my friends/acquaintances being predominantly male, including the one I'd perhaps consider my best friend, and the fact that just *seeing* someone with another person means absolutely nothing unless they are kissing or doing something otherwise clearly exclusive to people in relationship.

I meant seeing someone's SO in a compromising situation. I guess I should have clarified.

Emails typically stay there till you delete them. Skype by default stores your logs. So do many other IM services. FB doesn't really delete things even when you delete them...

Shienvien, I advised caution about meeting people on the net. That's it. That's all. I didn't intend to get into a debate with you about my advice as it seems you're hell bent on doing. I'm not sure why you feel the need to call me out on advice that to me is just plain common sense.

People do as they please. If they want to meet some strange guy, alone, in a secluded place in the woods for the first time, then they can do so for all I care. I wouldn't advise it, but they can certainly make their own choices.

The OP of that other post described what I would describe as a triangle situation between her and two other friends that were involved with each other/in a relationship. That OP admitted to having feelings for the guy and that it was hard for her emotionally to be witness to the whole drama between the other two. I advised her to step back from it, for her sake, which imo, is damn good, common sense advice.. It's my opinion that when it comes to personal relationships, it's best to stay out of them unless you're asked for help or advice. Your situation may have turned out well in ratting out a lousy SO, but sometimes, quite often in fact, that kind of thing has a tendency to bite you in the ass and cause bad feelings all around.

I'm sorry you seem to have taken issue with my advice and feel the need to nit pick...at least, that's how it's starting to come off... everything I'm saying. Again, I feel no need to continue this further with you, so please, lets drop it.

Edited November 8, 2014 by MedievalMystic

purplenewt · November 8, 2014

I think these last several posts should really go in the Unofficial Advice Thread, not here, in the Emotional Support Thread. This is where people should feel free to talk about whatever troubles they are going through without being told what to do but rather being told their feelings are felt and there are people who care about them.

Princess Kiara -

If you are looking for advice, you really ought to be searching for it from people IRL who know the entire situation, not more people you have never met before. While my sister has met her husband online, it doesn't always work that way, but hey, it also CAN work! I'm not sure what advice to give to you, but I know love can be a sticky thing, especially when the guy is not straight out forward with you. If you were wanting my advice, I would say be very direct with this guy. If it works, great! But if he ditches you, then know that men can be pigs sometimes, and he just wasn't the one for you. My policy is to be direct and upfront; it saves the two of you a lot of trouble and heartache. No more playing games. And if you are that worried about what your parents think, and your father has the power to take away your computer usage, it sounds like you are under age and you have no business traveling to Romania alone anyway. But if all you want is a friend to talk to without being judged, you can always PM me more about it.

Recycledheart -

Kind of the same thing as Kiara, but you actually have met your love interest. If you were looking for advice, my two cents would be to just leave them alone. Let them make their own mistakes and learn (or not learn) from them. Speaking from personal experience, it is always better to kindly ask your friends first if they would like to hear your advice, and if they say sure, then tell them your opinion, and be tactful and kind about it, since they are your friend and you should care about their feelings on the matter. And once you're done with giving your advice, you shut up and let them make their own decision. Since you are their friend, you should support them no matter what they choose to do, whether they take your advice or not. That's what true friends are for. I've had a friend who would ask for my opinion all the time about her abusive boyfriend, whether she should stay with him or not. You can guess my answer: LEAVE HIM! But she would always stay with him. Now did I get angry with her and refuse to be her friend? No. I supported her in every way I could. She is a big girl and she can make her own decisions, whether or not I think they are wise or not. It is just not my life to live. And the same with your two friends. I am sure you have so many other things going on in your life to be letting the affairs of others bring you down. Don't let it. I get that you like this guy, but relationships are a two-way street, and if this guy just isn't into you, you really ought to sever ties with him for a while, at least until you finish licking your wounds. You are a human being who deserves respect and acceptance. Now if you want to talk more about it without being judged, I invite you to PM me as well.

I apologize if I don't get back to everybody in one day, though. I have no inernet at home; I have a life, sometimes I can't get to a wifi service and if I do, I have a bunch of other people I am trying to keep in touch with. But I promise I'll get back to you!

Obscure_Trash · November 9, 2014

Please bring debates to PM.

~

*huggles for Cavedragon49990* Everyone needs to rant sometimes. I hope being able to get that off your chest helped a little. <3 It must hurt for an old crush to show an interest in someone else, especially when both are close to you. I'm so sorry. Hopefully time will help. 3=

Hello!

My problems seem a bit trivial in light of everyone else's. I'm almost embarrassed to ask :/ but they are driving me *! Please forgive me if I overstep myself in posting

About a year and a half ago I was on a language learning site taking online Romanian classes. I hit a snag and messaged a bunch of natives for help; only one ever replied, a 27-year-old guy who I'll call Kevin. He was supposed to just help me once, while we Skyped with my parents' permission, but I guess we hit it off, and our chat moved quickly from the language site, to e-mail, to WhatsApp and Facebook. It didn't take very long, only a few months really, until we were chatting on FB literally all day, from about 9AM my time until 4:30PM (when he went to bed; it's 8h later for him). Anyway my dad doesn't like Romanians, and he knows I want to study there, so he began to say all sorts of things about Kevin ("he's an idiot", "it's inappropriate for you to talk to him (despite his having no problem with my male American e-friends of the same age)", "he's ugly", "I'm going to throw him in jail and kick his butt if he talks to you", etc.) Funny thing is, my mom read ALL of our chats (since I never keep secrets from her), and she said he seems like a nice guy and she is OK with us talking.

-cut for length-

Princess Kiara, I'm worried about you for the bold. You are young enough to need your parents permission and this guy is nearly 30. Am I misunderstanding this situation?

Your dad isn't handling this the correct way by simply insulting people hoping that will help you, which I'm sure it isn't. I am sorry for that. But it sounds like your dad cares for you, so I do hope you two can work it out.

I know some people have made great, long-lasting intimate relationships with people they met over the internet. But that's not the only thing you have in your life. There's plenty in meat space to be enjoying, too! I agree with the advice you've been given - don't go alone to meet this guy and let others know when and where you'll be gone so there's people to check up on you - because, tbh, from what I read, this guy kind of creeps me out. I could be completely misreading: I don't speak to him and I don't know him, but with how much younger it seems you are than him, that sends up all my warning flags.

So my advice is what others have said: bring someone and let others know when and where you're going when/if you meet him and to not forget about the other things you have in your life to enjoy.

It's been a while since I've been on this website at all..... but I really think I need this right now.....

After dealing with another emotional event a little over a month ago, my parents allowed me to get a cat to help me cope. The cat that I- well, I didn't choose him, but he chose me- He was an orange tabby, just about a year old, and very gently and sweet, though still very playful at times. His name was "Sir Cat", though I quickly changed that to "Axel."

Axel has been very helpful at taking my mind off the other emotional stress. He's always nearby, and if I feel like I'm about to cry, he'll jump up next to me, sit on my laptop or book or whatever I have, and nuzzle my hand, and I can't help but smile with him around.

Last night, however, he went missing.

I don't know how he got out, or where he could be. This is the first time he's gone missing like this, and I'm more of a wreck now than I was even before I got him... I'm doing everything I can to try and find him, but he hasn't turned up at all yet....

Aww, I hope you find him! <3

AngesRadieux · November 9, 2014

It seems stupid to post about it, but it bothered me and there really isn't anyone in real life that I can mention it to, so here it is.

I should be in a good place. I had three concerts in the last week and they all went well. One of them was at St. Paul's Chapel in New York and I was the soprano soloist. The others were at local churches, so not quite as big of a deal, but still. And my parents actually came to the concert at St. Paul's to hear me sing, and my mom recorded it and posted a video of the solo movement on facebook.

But, then I was on facebook and saw a photo of someone I used to know after her senior recital at the school that screwed me over. In fact, she was posing with the professor I trusted the most and who ended up turning around and stabbing me in the back. In fact, it got to the point where I sent him an e-mail telling him off and saying that I would appreciate it if he didn't contact me again. Ever. And I guess it bothered me more than I realized. I hid the photo because I really didn't want to see it, but I thought that was the end of it.

Well, apparently not. Last night I had a nightmare about this professor. I haven't dreamed about that school in months. And it's just really frustrating. I really thought I was done with them and that they didn't have any hold on me anymore. I'm at the point where I know they were wrong, and that they threw up so many roadblocks that they made it literally impossible for me to succeed there. I'm singing successfully with other people and I'm not having any of the difficulties I experienced there. But for whatever reason, I still can't forget and stop being bothered and upset by it.

I don't need their approval. I don't. I just wish I could completely convince myself of that so a stupid picture on facebook wouldn't trigger nightmares anymore.

brairtrainer · November 9, 2014

It seems stupid to post about it, but it bothered me and there really isn't anyone in real life that I can mention it to, so here it is.

I should be in a good place. I had three concerts in the last week and they all went well. One of them was at St. Paul's Chapel in New York and I was the soprano soloist. The others were at local churches, so not quite as big of a deal, but still. And my parents actually came to the concert at St. Paul's to hear me sing, and my mom recorded it and posted a video of the solo movement on facebook.

But, then I was on facebook and saw a photo of someone I used to know after her senior recital at the school that screwed me over. In fact, she was posing with the professor I trusted the most and who ended up turning around and stabbing me in the back. In fact, it got to the point where I sent him an e-mail telling him off and saying that I would appreciate it if he didn't contact me again. Ever. And I guess it bothered me more than I realized. I hid the photo because I really didn't want to see it, but I thought that was the end of it.

Well, apparently not. Last night I had a nightmare about this professor. I haven't dreamed about that school in months. And it's just really frustrating. I really thought I was done with them and that they didn't have any hold on me anymore. I'm at the point where I know they were wrong, and that they threw up so many roadblocks that they made it literally impossible for me to succeed there. I'm singing successfully with other people and I'm not having any of the difficulties I experienced there. But for whatever reason, I still can't forget and stop being bothered and upset by it.

I don't need their approval. I don't. I just wish I could completely convince myself of that so a stupid picture on facebook wouldn't trigger nightmares anymore.

I'm sorry about your nightmares . Perhaps you should completely block the person and the professor so you won't see photos they are tagged in anymore?

If its possible for you it might also be a good idea to find a professional to talk to. You may not need months of thearopy but sometimes a session that helps you identify why it triggered can help you find the strength to continue on and avoid the nightmares.

lazybug · November 9, 2014

It seems stupid to post about it, but it bothered me and there really isn't anyone in real life that I can mention it to, so here it is.

I should be in a good place. I had three concerts in the last week and they all went well. One of them was at St. Paul's Chapel in New York and I was the soprano soloist. The others were at local churches, so not quite as big of a deal, but still. And my parents actually came to the concert at St. Paul's to hear me sing, and my mom recorded it and posted a video of the solo movement on facebook.

But, then I was on facebook and saw a photo of someone I used to know after her senior recital at the school that screwed me over. In fact, she was posing with the professor I trusted the most and who ended up turning around and stabbing me in the back. In fact, it got to the point where I sent him an e-mail telling him off and saying that I would appreciate it if he didn't contact me again. Ever. And I guess it bothered me more than I realized. I hid the photo because I really didn't want to see it, but I thought that was the end of it.

Well, apparently not. Last night I had a nightmare about this professor. I haven't dreamed about that school in months. And it's just really frustrating. I really thought I was done with them and that they didn't have any hold on me anymore. I'm at the point where I know they were wrong, and that they threw up so many roadblocks that they made it literally impossible for me to succeed there. I'm singing successfully with other people and I'm not having any of the difficulties I experienced there. But for whatever reason, I still can't forget and stop being bothered and upset by it.

I don't need their approval. I don't. I just wish I could completely convince myself of that so a stupid picture on facebook wouldn't trigger nightmares anymore.

Personally, I find that everyone who has ever affected me greatly in my life never truly stops affecting me. It is natural that since your professor has impacted your life significantly in the past, you still think about it and it still hurts to think about it. I think it is good enough that you are able to rationalise that your professor is not important to you any more.

AngesRadieux · November 9, 2014

I'm sorry about your nightmares . Perhaps you should completely block the person and the professor so you won't see photos they are tagged in anymore?

If its possible for you it might also be a good idea to find a professional to talk to. You may not need months of thearopy but sometimes a session that helps you identify why it triggered can help you find the strength to continue on and avoid the nightmares.

I've been meaning to unfriend the person who posted the photo, because honestly we just don't talk anymore. We spoke when we were at the same school, but I didn't care to keep into contact with more than a couple people when I left. I guess I just haven't taken the initiative to go ahead and remove them from my list of friends.

As far as therapy, I did try it. Immediately after leaving, I was a mess. I was struggling with depression and anxiety and I was on medication for a while. I stopped because my schedule changed and the appointments no longer fit. I don't really want to go back to it, because frankly I don't miss it. It just seems to me that if it was something that I was really getting something out of, when I stopped going it would've impacted me more.

I guess it just frustrates me because it's been a little over two years since it happened and I'm in a much better place, so I feel like it should just be over and done and stop having any kind of hold on me. They're all out of my life and I wish now they'd finally just get out of my head.

purplenewt · November 9, 2014

One tactic I try when I want to forgive and let go of past grievances is I meditate on it. I think of a comforting image of a flowing creek with leaves floating down it. I then think of all the things that have happened to me I don't care to think about anymore. I imagine them as they too float down the creek. I know this sounds lame at first (and maybe for you it will continue to sound lame) but maybe you should try it. I feel you on wanting to get over something that happened a long time ago.

Another thing you could do is write a letter to the guy or the professor about it, and after you are finished, you can burn it up. It works for some people. OR, you could always go find that person and try to work it out face to face, if you feel comfortable.

And also... HUGS!

Please disregard this is you don't like getting hugs from strangers.

edwardelricfreak · November 9, 2014

Anges: It's normal for our minds to bring back painful memories and thoughts. I believe it stems from the same kind of reaction when we burn our hand on a hot stove or whatever: your brain remembers those bad things so you can better avoid them in the future. I might be wrong about it stemming from the same thing but I believe it does. It makes sense, to me, as it seems like a lot of the time it's the bad things in life that are easier to remember.

So your nightmares are there reminding you of the people that screwed you over so you can try to avoid those situations in the future. It's just like saying "hey, you're really successful now that you've gotten past them! But don't forget that this situation happened because it could happen again", from how I see it.

I agree with purplenewt's method of meditation. That seems like a wonderful way of moving past the memory when it comes to you without completely suppressing it.

AngesRadieux · November 10, 2014

One tactic I try when I want to forgive and let go of past grievances is I meditate on it. I think of a comforting image of a flowing creek with leaves floating down it. I then think of all the things that have happened to me I don't care to think about anymore. I imagine them as they too float down the creek. I know this sounds lame at first (and maybe for you it will continue to sound lame) but maybe you should try it. I feel you on wanting to get over something that happened a long time ago.

Another thing you could do is write a letter to the guy or the professor about it, and after you are finished, you can burn it up. It works for some people. OR, you could always go find that person and try to work it out face to face, if you feel comfortable.

And also... HUGS!

Please disregard this is you don't like getting hugs from strangers.

I'm afraid to try meditation, because I'm afraid I'll just end up dwelling on it. In the last two years, I've spent so much time twisting the situation around, thinking about it, and trying to rationalize and understand why people acted the way they did, what I could've done to fix it, or just find some way to understand it. But I can never find any logical cause and I get twisted up in who said what, who lied, what they could have hoped to gain from lying, etc. I don't know if there's a trick to meditating on it without getting caught up in trying to rationalize it, but if there is, I haven't figure out how to do it.

As far as a letter, I kind of sent him an e-mail shortly after everything happened. The professor sent me this stupid, patronizing message when I said I wasn't coming back to that school about how he understood what I was going through and he knew what a tough time it was for me. In an absolute rage, I e-mailed him back saying that he absolutely didn't understand, the situation he described in his attempt to relate was nowhere near comparable, and I would appreciate it if he didn't contact me again. Not quite the same thing, but I guess it was supposed to have the same effect of severing all ties. Except it didn't.

I don't know. Maybe writing a letter now with no intention of actually sending it would help because it's not so fresh anymore and I've spent so much time thinking about it.

It's not a huge deal, but it just really frustrates me because every time I think I'm finally over it, it just seems to surface in one way or another.

Obscure_Trash · November 10, 2014

If you're not ready to get over something, you can't force yourself, unfortunately. Sometimes we don't get enough time to get over it like we wish we could either. But there are ways of dealing. I agree that a good start is cutting contact with these people who hurt and trigger you. There's no need to keep them around. It's just holding you back. Don't facebook them, don't email them, etc. If you need to write a letter without the intention of sending it, go for it! I hope it helps. But if you send it, that may just invite contact back, and that's not what you need. The best way to cut people out is to actually cut the out. Don't contact them. If you're ever ready one day to talk with them, you can tackle it then, but to get to that point you have to give yourself more time first.

I'm really sorry for whatever happened to you and that it's affecting you in this way. But don't beat yourself up over it. There are some things out of our control. All we can do is breathe and deal with it as it comes. You can make it through this.

I'm not sure meditation will help you, but what you're describing is something you'll have to get past to meditate. The point of meditating is to recognize those thoughts and let them pass by. If you're getting stuck on them, perhaps you're not at a point where meditation can help you yet. Perhaps you need to let yourself deal first, even if that means dwelling for a bit, going through every circumstance until you realize this wasn't your fault, there was nothing you can do to change it, it's in the past, and there's nothing you can do to change it now. All you can do is move on.

<3

octopi · November 11, 2014

Ugh. Okay, it's 1 am and this is going to sound super trivial compared to everyone else's problems, but I don't think my anxiety is going to let me sleep until I at least talk about this.

Lately I've been getting a mini anxiety attack every time someone messages me on here. Anyway, I guess I should start by saying that I'm pretty socially inept and don't experience empathy. It's really difficult for me, when looking at a situation, to consider and understand people's feelings and motivations. So it's kind of hard to tell when I'm being a jerk (because honestly I am accidentally a jerk a lot of the time), but I try my best to be a decent person anyway. I tell everyone around me to for god's sake tell me when I'm doing something wrong so I can fix it because I honestly don't know if something I'm doing is upsetting, I will definitely stop doing something if it makes people upset, etc, etc, etc. Anyway, one of the things I tend to do is that when I see problematic behaviour, I mention it. I tell people why I think what they're doing is harmful to other people and ask them to consider this when deciding what to say/do in the future. And this is one of the things I'm less willing to compromise on, because if I can manage to help a lot of people even a little at the cost of making the person who originally said the thing slightly uncomfortable, I think I'm obligated to do it. People can't improve if they're never given critique after all, right? And I always try my best to be civil when I do it and I often run my responses by friends before posting to check that they're not unintentionally condescending or rude. People aren't going to agree with me all the time and by saying this kind of thing in the first place I'm pretty much accepting that I'll get some rude responses, but nonetheless I'm really really bad at dealing with it.

I'll not mention any names I suppose, but I've been directly insulted for it once, been accused of hate maybe thrice, and condescendingly dismissed as being too sensitive many more times (and maybe I am, but there are tons of sensitive people in the universe and they're not any less worthy of protection than anyone else). I've gotten positive responses too and people apologizing for making an honest mistake, and I would really like to keep doing this because I feel like I'm helping people, and it's amazing because this is already so much more than I can manage to do in real life. But my anxiety just keeps acting up and expecting bad responses even when there are none and combined with the extra stress of grade 12 I've broken down crying in class twice in as many months. Staying in and trying to explain my viewpoint calmly makes me feel terrible and leaving to protect my personal mental health makes me feel terrible too. And then my brain is like, what if is is your fault? What if they're right and you're just trying too hard and hurting more people than you're going to help? And I know it's illogical but it happens anyway. It's overall just a bad situation and I can't really blame anyone for it either. So I'm just sitting here losing even more sleep than I was already and trying really hard not to cry about mocking smileys. And. Uuuuuuugh.

(Please don't offer advice in the form of "you're doing this wrong do this instead"? Sorry, I normally try to be receptive of that kind of thing but I don't think I can handle it right now.)

edwardelricfreak · November 11, 2014

Hm, while it is good that you're trying to help people, it's generally very hard to critique someone on their behavior without being VERY VERY nice and sugarcoated- it's something I hate doing, but if I'm going to call someone out on how they behaved, to avoid lots of backlash, it's best to be as sweet as can be, even if I hate doing it, unless it's someone whom I know won't take it the wrong way when I tell them what they did was out of line or whatever.

Alternatively, to possibly help save yourself from some grief at least on *here*, instead of handling the situation yourself, you might try reporting offensive posts to the mods. It's their job to handle these kinds of things, not yours. C:

MedievalMystic · November 11, 2014