Sexual Orientation

[HeatherMarie]

I'm sorry, but I did read all it the first time, and I've reread it now, and I'm still really struck by that part.

 

Whether you like labels or not (and I do totally get where you're coming from on that, even though I'm defending/explaining this label) it is polite to respect the labels that people apply to themselves. Bi means only that either men or women do it for you; when people say being in an exclusive relationship with one or the other negates being bi, they're negating my sexual orientation and disrespecting the label that I apply to myself. I've been in a relationship with a man for years, but I'm still bi, because that's just as inherent as being straight or being gay.

 

I do understand the bit about not calling yourself straight just because you're with a man, and not calling yourself gay just because you're with a woman--it's just that the implication that bisexuality would 'go away' if you were with only one or the other is a common prejudice, and it kind of hit me hard enough that I didn't put the whole thing together... Sorry about that.

I love your posts in this thread.

 

Re labels: We *could* just make it "simple" and say that all people are "somewhere on the Kinsey scale" and leave it at that.

 

But that seems rather insulting to me. Not that I have anything against straight people of course, but I'm *not* straight, so why should I be lumped together terminology-wise with those who are? For people who honestly *know* their orientation, or heck, even for people who are questioning what they are, labels are *not* a bad thing. People/society can *make* labels seem bad, but honestly, do you have any idea how *relieved* I was when I was finally able to put a label onto "what the heck is wrong with me why do I feel this way?"?

 

Fuzzbucket:

It is simply totally irrelevant. I wouldn't be LOOKING at other men (or women, come to that - I have said I could easily fall in love with a woman, were I not in a relationship already.) I don't LOOK at other people of any gender that way unless I am on the market. I look at them as people, and that's all.

 

Wow. You must have some *serious* self-control. You are saying you *never* see someone walking down the street and think "oh he's hot!" or anything like that? I can't even imagine. *Most* people still "look" when they are in a relationship, it's perfectly normal to see someone passing by and notice that they are cute or hot or whatever.

[philpot123]

Wow. You must have some *serious* self-control. You are saying you *never* see someone walking down the street and think "oh he's hot!" or anything like that? I can't even imagine. *Most* people still "look" when they are in a relationship, it's perfectly normal to see someone passing by and notice that they are cute or hot or whatever.

 

Not having anything else to add to this discussion (beyond saying that I'm a completely hetero male), I agree here. When I was in my last long tern relationship, I was completely committed to her and never even once thought about cheating. But that doesn't mean I stopped appreciating attractiveness in other girls.

 

 

on a completely pitiful note, I'm STILL completely committed to my ex I can't even imagine another relationship, even though we've been broken up for 6 months...

Edited November 17, 2011 by philpot123

[Tigara]

Not having anything else to add to this discussion (beyond saying that I'm a completely hetero male), I agree here. When I was in my last long tern relationship, I was completely committed to her and never even once thought about cheating. But that doesn't mean I stopped appreciating attractiveness in other girls.

 

 

on a completely pitiful note, I'm STILL completely committed to my ex I can't even imagine another relationship, even though we've been broken up for 6 months...

^Ditto, I can't really comprehend anyone not noticing someone else as attractive simply because they're committed to someone.

 

Also, fully homosexual male. Rainbows ftw!

[SPQR]

Not having anything else to add to this discussion (beyond saying that I'm a completely hetero male), I agree here. When I was in my last long tern relationship, I was completely committed to her and never even once thought about cheating. But that doesn't mean I stopped appreciating attractiveness in other girls.

Same with me. I have a boyfriend of almost 1 and a half years, and I love him very much. I'll occasionally see an incredibly gorgeous guy on the street or in a movie or something (and think "daaaaang, he's hot").

 

Being attracted to someone physically is different than being attracted to someone because of their personality/interests/general relationship-worthiness, IMO.

[philpot123]

Same with me. I have a boyfriend of almost 1 and a half years, and I love him very much. I'll occasionally see an incredibly gorgeous guy on the street or in a movie or something (and think "daaaaang, he's hot").

 

Being attracted to someone physically is different than being attracted to someone because of their personality/interests/general relationship-worthiness, IMO.

Or even just ACKNOWLEDGING attractiveness is different than the love that goes into a real relationship. There's nothing wrong with it.

[Khallayne]

Wow. You must have some *serious* self-control. You are saying you *never* see someone walking down the street and think "oh he's hot!" or anything like that? I can't even imagine. *Most* people still "look" when they are in a relationship, it's perfectly normal to see someone passing by and notice that they are cute or hot or whatever.

 

I don't do this... Especially since I can't tell attractiveness or not in physical appearance. But I really don't do this. I can 'joke' but really, I don't find any attractiveness in anyone, aside from personality-wise.

[Felicityluff]

I don't do this... Especially since I can't tell attractiveness or not in physical appearance. But I really don't do this. I can 'joke' but really, I don't find any attractiveness in anyone, aside from personality-wise.

This.

 

...Though I can't totally agree on the "not being able to tell attractiveness" part since I'm pretty sure I've had a few people pass me by and thought "wow, they're cute". And movie stars are no better.

I could never bring myself to use the term "hot" for some reason. Geh, makes me sound like a old prude.

 

All in all, I have low sex drives. I have fantasized about fictional characters paired with their canon partners (typical ), but never myself with another person (be it a guy or girl).

 

 

 

Whether you like labels or not (and I do totally get where you're coming from on that, even though I'm defending/explaining this label) it is polite to respect the labels that people apply to themselves. Bi means only that either men or women do it for you; when people say being in an exclusive relationship with one or the other negates being bi, they're negating my sexual orientation and disrespecting the label that I apply to myself. I've been in a relationship with a man for years, but I'm still bi, because that's just as inherent as being straight or being gay.

 

I agree with this, but I still find labels somewhat insulting. Doesn't it hurt whenever you hear random heterosexual people call other people 'gay', just because they have a different sexual orientation? Tone doesn't carry over the internet, so sometimes it's hard to tell whether this person had insulting intent behind their words or if they're just completely innocent.

 

 

...Society sucks sometimes. Their labels too.

[TikindiDragon]

Not having anything else to add to this discussion (beyond saying that I'm a completely hetero male), I agree here. When I was in my last long tern relationship, I was completely committed to her and never even once thought about cheating. But that doesn't mean I stopped appreciating attractiveness in other girls.

This. Just because I find something aestheticaly pleasing doesn't mean I want to jump into bed with it. I'm in a relationship and really, honestly, the only person I'm attracted to is my current partner (and this has been the case for going on 8 years now). I can *look* at other people and find them to be good looking without having any kind of desire for them.

 

It works in much the same way that having a partner doesn't stop me appreciating art. If something is nice to look at, it's nice to look at. Thinking something (someone) looks nice =/= attraction.

[Fuzzbucket]

Re labels: We *could* just make it "simple" and say that all people are "somewhere on the Kinsey scale" and leave it at that.

 

But that seems rather insulting to me. Not that I have anything against straight people of course, but I'm *not* straight, so why should I be lumped together terminology-wise with those who are? For people who honestly *know* their orientation, or heck, even for people who are questioning what they are, labels are *not* a bad thing. People/society can *make* labels seem bad, but honestly, do you have any idea how *relieved* I was when I was finally able to put a label onto "what the heck is wrong with me why do I feel this way?"?

OK - fair enough if it helps you.

 

Wow. You must have some *serious* self-control. You are saying you *never* see someone walking down the street and think "oh he's hot!" or anything like that? I can't even imagine. *Most* people still "look" when they are in a relationship, it's perfectly normal to see someone passing by and notice that they are cute or hot or whatever.

It isn't a matter of self control. Just as it isn't with asexual people. They can see someone who is nice to look at, without it having ANYTHING to do with fancying them. I mean - Alan Rickman (film star for those who don't KNOW already !) is very good to look at. But for me there is no SEXUAL feeling there, though. No fancying. Same thing here. The idea of sex with someone is part of fancying - and that is - well, I guess, absent from my brain when I am in a relationship - as it is with TikindiDragon. So label me if you must:

 

Um:

Currently heterosexual with asexual overtones but might be lesbian with asexual overtones later !! (I guess bi is impossible unless I manage to meet a hermaphrodite...)

 

You like ?

[Sadako]

I actually thought about this quite a bit last night... Fuzzbucket, the thing that bothered me wasn't that you said you don't label yourself as bi--you can not label yourself all day if you like, I honestly am cool with that. What bothered me was that you said you don't label yourself as bi because you believe in monogamy. To use some internet analogy hyperbole, that's a little like saying that you don't call yourself white because you believe in racial equality, or that you don't call yourself American because you believe in eating healthy. Those are negative stereotypes, and not actual prerequisites for the condition. That was what offended me (and what will likely offend other bi people if you say it around them).

 

Just wanted to clarify that because I'm not sure if I got that across... :/

 

I'm not even sure what to think about the hermaphrodite thing. Again, being bi just means I'm attracted to both, not that I am actively engaged in a physical relationship with both at the same time. I can see how it's a difficult concept to understand if you're only attracted psychologically, or if you can only be attracted to one person at a time, and I'm not sure if I can explain it without risking talking about things we shouldn't talk about... When I see a person on the street, I pose myself a question, and then I either think 'Yes!' or "No...'. That 'Yes!' is what physical attraction is about, and physical attraction is what bi is about, not whether you actually go home with them or not. There's nothing wrong with operating that way any more than there is anything wrong with being attracted only psychologically.

 

Anyway, to move on with the conversation, I've always been baffled by people who are attracted only psychologically. My question for you would be how do you decide who you're going to take the time to get to know so you can see if you want to be in a relationship with them? (For instance, I only take the time to romantically get to know people who give me that 'Yes!' answer, because for me there's no point in dating someone where there's no chemistry.) There's really no physical component at all? Like, you don't see a blond and a brunette standing next to each other and think that you'd rather be with one or the other of them? What about people who are only attracted psychologically but can only see themselves with one gender or the other? Isn't that a type of physical attraction, if a very subtle one?

 

(Also, I'm old-fashioned; back in the day 'attracted only psychologically regardless of physical form' was called bi too, so I do honestly get the label confusion/avoidance if only because labels change so )

 

Edited for (possibly freudian) slip.

Edited November 17, 2011 by Sadako

[Fuzzbucket]

I actually thought about this quite a bit last night... Fuzzbucket, the thing that bothered me wasn't that you said you don't label yourself as bi--you can not label yourself all day if you like, I honestly am cool with that. What bothered me was that you said you don't label yourself as bi because you believe in monogamy. To use some internet analogy hyperbole, that's a little like saying that you don't call yourself white because you believe in racial equality, or that you don't call yourself American because you believe in eating healthy. Those are negative stereotypes, and not actual prerequisites for the condition. That was what offended me (and what will likely offend other bi people if you say it around them).

 

Just wanted to clarify that because I'm not sure if I got that across... :/

 

I'm not even sure what to think about the hermaphrodite thing. Again, being bi just means I'm attracted to both, not that I am actively engaged in a physical relationship with both at the same time. I can see how it's a difficult concept to understand if you're only attracted psychologically, or if you can only be attracted to one person at a time, and I'm not sure if I can explain it without risking talking about things we shouldn't talk about... When I see a person on the street, I pose myself a question, and then I either think 'Yes!' or "No...'. That 'Yes!' is what physical attraction is about, and physical attraction is what bi is about, not whether you actually go home with them or not. There's nothing wrong with operating that way any more than there is anything wrong with being attracted only psychologically.

 

Anyway, to move on with the conversation, I've always been baffled by people who are attracted only psychologically. My question for you would be how do you decide who you're going to take the time to get to know so you can see if you want to be in a relationship with them? (For instance, I only take the time to romantically get to know people who give me that 'Yes!' answer, because for me there's no point in dating someone where there's no chemistry.) There's really no physical component at all? Like, you don't see a blond and a brunette standing next to each other and think that you'd rather be with one or the other of them? What about people who are only attracted psychologically but can only see themselves with one gender or the other? Isn't that a type of physical attraction, if a very subtle one?

 

(Also, I'm old-fashioned; back in the day 'attracted only psychologically regardless of physical form' was called bi too, so I do honestly get the label confusion/avoidance if only because labels change so )

 

Edited for (possibly freudian) slip.

No - I said that the fact that I might at some point go from a partner of one gender to one of the opposite gender would not make me bi - yes because I believe in monogamy - but that's because while I was with whichever partner, if I HAD to wear a label, it would have to be the label that fit that partnership - lesbian if it was with a woman, heterosexual if with a man. (Oh - and I can't use bi simply because I would - if I MUST - label myself in a way that fit the partnership I was in at the time - and without a hermaphrodite being available, I've only got two options !)

 

But I have one now. I am a sexual being

 

Incidentally I don't actually call myself white if I can possibly avoid it, either. Wherever it's legal I refuse to fill in the race box in forms.

 

I told you - I really REALLY hate labels ! They serve to create divisions and also to limit. (I don't call myself American either, but that is because I certainly am not ! I prefer to be "world citizen" but if I have to, I am dual citizen Canadian/British.)

 

I do know exactly what bi means, and I have no problem getting my head around it. And some of my best friends certainly are bi. It just doesn't fit me, even though I am capable of being sexually attracted to either gender in the right circumstances.

 

To the rest of your post - I'd get to know people FIRST; any sexual attraction would come later. I have no interest at all in a sexual relationship with someone just because they are attractive. Personality counts BIG TIME ! However unattached I was, and however PHWOAH someone might be - if I didn't like them, I wouldn't want to have a sexual relationship with them. I'd put it the other way around - there's no point taking a relationship with someone "further" without liking them well enough to know they would be someone whose company you could enjoy over coffee the morning after.

 

I guess I'd date someone who seemed to be the kind of person I would want as a friend and see if it went further later. You'd do it in reverse, it seems - you'd want the knowledge that you could fancy them before you'd want to spend the time ?

 

Edited - twice so far - for typefails...

 

Bleep - three times now...

Edited November 17, 2011 by fuzzbucket

[Sadako]

I get what you meant, though I didn't quite get it when I first posted, it's just that the way you said it implied that you believed a negative stereotype to be true. You might not have actually been talking about that stereotype, or actually believe it to be true, but... uh, could I possibly say this is a 'check your privilege' argument? You said something that hurt my feelings because of the way I interpreted it, and I interpreted it that way because that is often said about people in my 'group'? It was my interpretation rather than your intent that bothered me, and I'm only trying to explain because maybe if you remember you might word that differently in the future and spare the feelings of people who might interpret it as an insult.

 

To use an altered version of my nationality analogy, it doesn't bother me if you say that you don't refer to yourself as British. But if you say that the reason you don't refer to yourself as British is because British people don't believe in dental care and you do, that might hurt someone's feelings, because it's inaccurate. :/

 

Also, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap or to be patronizing, it's just something I feel strongly about.

 

So, yeah, on physical versus psychological attraction:

 

I have no interest at all in a sexual relationship with someone just because they are attractive. Personality counts BIG TIME ! However unattached I was, and however PHWOAH someone might be - if I didn't like them, I wouldn't want to have a sexual relationship with them.

 

The exact same thing is true of me, it's just that for me, there's no point in taking things further if I don't know that the potential partner is someone whose company I would enjoy before the coffee. So yes, it is the other way around for me, but physical attraction is by no means the only factor. I have to get to know someone first before I'm interested in actually getting into a relationship, or even before I'm interested in actually doing anything casual, but if that feeling isn't there, it's not going to develop suddenly because I happen to like their sense of humor or think they have interesting opinions. The people that I'm not attracted to but like their personalities are firmly in the 'just friends' category.

 

Hm, so, someone who is attracted psychologically will theoretically see all people as potential friends, and all friends (but only friends) as potential partners? Whereas someone who needs physical attraction as well will theoretically see all people as potential friends, some attractive friends as potential parters, and some attractive strangers as people we would very much like to befriend? Is that a fair summary? :3

Edited November 17, 2011 by Sadako

[Fuzzbucket]

Hey peace, peace - I never wanted to offend anyone, I was just expressing where I was coming from. Nor did I mean that bi people don't do monogamy. As we now both know. And I doubt VERY much that the subject will come up in this way ever again ! But your point is well taken.

 

ETA After a weekend's thought, I know what I am !

 

I am

 

Monosexual.

 

Which is to say - one or the other of the various ones, depending on who I am with.

 

Except trans. I think anyway I am now too old to run with that !

Edited November 22, 2011 by fuzzbucket

[Lythiaren]

Pulling this thread out of the depths to share this thing I found, unlinked because there's some cursing in the (rightfully) outraged comments:

 

lgbtqnation.com/2012/01/tn-lawmaker-compares-homosexuality-to-pedophilia-prostitution-murder/

 

Basically a guy is trying to remove some of the anti-bullying measures intended to protect people who aren't binarily straight. And he's comparing homosexuality to pedophilia, prostitution, and murder.

 

Just... wow. Really?

 

 

Really? :|

Edited January 27, 2012 by Lythiaren

[satyr76]

I usually just identify as gay, but, on the 0-6 Kinsey scale, I'm about a 5.

 

Figured it out 1-2 years ago, but I'm only out to a few people so far. I've been planning on coming out for a while but I haven't gone through with it yet. DX

[Bleuberries]

If I were single, I would consider myself bi but since I'm very much in a committed relationship with a male, I'm straight. I've been in relationships with girls, and it comes with more drama then being in a relationship with a guy.

 

Personally, I would never date a "bi" guy. The gay community (I'm not saying ALL gays.) seems to not use condoms and are very sexual charged...I don't like that and I don't want to get anything. It's sort of a turn off to think about also...I mean, they don't care much about their sexual health (as far as getting tested and checking out their partners) and bringing it up can lead to rage on their part when I'm just trying to be safe.

 

I can't stay in relationships with girls for too long, also. Each relationship I have been in with a girl lasts a 1/3 as long as it does with a male. I miss the physical closeness and how, with guys, they come in many sizes and shapes (physically). My boyfriend is 6 feet and I call him my teddy bear. Girls who are taller than me, which I prefer, tend to be skinner. It's too much x.x

 

I've also seen it much easier to get into relationships with guys. It's not too easy to search out bi girls (who want to be in a relationship) as people may think unless you go to where it's clearly labeled (like gay bars). So socially, it's more convenient.

[elderberrysyrup]

I'm technically should be considered straight. However, the only things I feel any real romantic attraction to happen to be faceless monsters. Think something like Slenderman, Zalgo, Cthulhu, etc. I'd date, and want to hop in bed with them (Slenderman Especially). I don't know why, but I can't seem to bring myself to be attracted to humans the way I'm attracted to these abomation-type creatures that should be seen as frightening and disgusting. Is there a sexual orientation like this, or am I just 'that weird guy'?

Edited January 29, 2012 by soullesshuman

[OnABadBet]

Up until about a year ago, I was dead set on saying I was straight, to be honest. But there have always been girls -- few and far between, granted, but still there -- that I've had crushes on; I simply didn't know to label them as crushes. Bit of a backstory:

 

I was raised in an extremely homophobic household (people who compare homosexuality to beastiality and pedophilia -- yeah, nice environment to raise a child in). One of my older sisters is a lesbian. She came out to my family and they essentially disowned her. My family welcomes my other sister's boyfriend-at-the-time into the household as family, inviting him to family dinners and holidays, etc., while the other's girlfriends have never been allowed to step inside the house. It's disgusting, frankly. Thankfully, I never bought into the homophobic views that they entertain.

 

A bit off topic there...anyhow, because of that environment and the way they reacted when my older sister came out, I suppose I subconsciously suppressed any thoughts of being attracted to women. As I said earlier, in retrospect, I've always been attracted to women; the difference now being that I can readily admit it.

 

Now here's the irksome part: I find men and women attractive (and to be honest, I could potentially be attracted to hermaphrodites and transsexuals as well, although I have no experience in the matter), but I can't picture myself doing anything besides kissing, cuddling, etc. I do want relationships, but I just can't imagine having sex.

 

I wouldn't know if that would be asexuality, or what. It's really confusing. I don't like buying into labels, but in all honesty, I don't know how to deal with wanting a relationship with no sex -- or if maybe I just haven't had enough experience to actually know.

[Haloclimb]

So, who else is angry over the latest house episode?

 

Needless to say, I am glad my mother does not watch house. At the very least, if/when I come out as asexual to her, I won't have to listen to 'Oh honey, what if your ill, like that guy on house?'

[CatCreature]

So, who else is angry over the latest house episode?

 

Needless to say, I am glad my mother does not watch house. At the very least, if/when I come out as asexual to her, I won't have to listen to 'Oh honey, what if your ill, like that guy on house?'

Define 'latest episode'. I live in a country where we are a bit behind in tv-shows so the name/number of that episode might help. I don't watch House anymore so I don't know where we are in the schedule.

[TPishek]

Personally, I would never date a "bi" guy. The gay community (I'm not saying ALL gays.) seems to not use condoms and are very sexual charged...I don't like that and I don't want to get anything. It's sort of a turn off to think about also...I mean, they don't care much about their sexual health (as far as getting tested and checking out their partners) and bringing it up can lead to rage on their part when I'm just trying to be safe.

That's one hell of a stereotype. Bisexual NDE hypersexual. I'm bi and happily married to a bi man; we were each other's firsts. All of the other bisexuals I know are similar; when they're in a relationship it's committed, lasting for months or years, and certainly not just about sex. Being with a bi man just means that we can see an actor on TV and both think he's cute.

[vivo]

I don't do this... Especially since I can't tell attractiveness or not in physical appearance. But I really don't do this. I can 'joke' but really, I don't find any attractiveness in anyone, aside from personality-wise.

Thank you! I always feel weird in front of my friends because of that. I'm a teenager (supposedly the age of urges or whatever) and have never been able to feel attracted to someone just by their looks. Glad to know I'm not the only one!

 

Now as goes for sexuality, I consider myself straight though I noticed that when I take interest in someone (when getting to know them, conversations etc) I don't care about their gender. Does that mean I'm bi?

[skimboard808]

I'm just plain, boring straight lol. Though I can tell if another dude is attractive or not, I've never been attracted to another dude, all crushes since I was a little kid have been on girls. I don't think that sexuality is just plain black and white for some people though, so I can see how there can be grey areas.

[Obscure_Trash]

So, who else is angry over the latest house episode?

 

Needless to say, I am glad my mother does not watch house. At the very least, if/when I come out as asexual to her, I won't have to listen to 'Oh honey, what if your ill, like that guy on house?'

There's a few things causing upset in the asexual community right now.

 

This one was mentioned in acenews as said to asexuals. Something along the lines of 'oh, yeah, I saw that in House. There's a cure for that, isn't there?'

 

Another upset being the writer of Sherlock, Steven Moffat, saying that if Sherlock, a character asexuals have long connected with as being asexual, was asexual, there would be no tension and that would be boring. Which the community is angry at Moffat calling us boring.

(Personally, I think this upset is just a misunderstanding and I'm not angry over it. I think Moffat is wrong to think that being asexual means no tension in your life, but who cares about that in the media right now? Sex is where it's at. =| )

[Lythiaren]

I wouldn't know if that would be asexuality, or what. It's really confusing. I don't like buying into labels, but in all honesty, I don't know how to deal with wanting a relationship with no sex -- or if maybe I just haven't had enough experience to actually know.

Asexuality.org is a nice resource, and it may help you determine how you identify. This article is also a good read on the subject.

 

I'm an ace myself; I just don't experience sexual attraction. At all. I honestly don't know what it feels like to "have the hots" for someone. I've had crushes, sure, and I crave romance at times. I'm even attracted to people of both sexes, but not for sex. I do have a (very mild and apparently quite picky) sex drive that I can manage by myself, but I don't find it necessary for a meaningful relationship with another person. Which leads to a lot of people side-eyeing me because a lack of good sex is apparently a major dealbreaker for them, but they just don't understand that a person might not feel sexual attraction. But that's a topic for another thread.

 

Your case may be different; the only things required to identify as asexual are that you don't feel sexual attraction, and choose for yourself to identify as asexual. If you don't want to identify as such, don't! No one can tell you how you identify.

Edited January 29, 2012 by Lythiaren