Gender and Gender Identity

[satyr76]

Sex: Female

Mental: Confused...

 

Sometimes I like identifying as a guy, others as a girl, I really dunno what that's called.

I thnk most people call it genderfluid?

[vintageandroid]

I'm a cis-female girly girl made entirely of pink and lace and cupcakes.

 

My partner is a genderfluid lady; she identifies mostly as female-to-non-gendered, doesn't care what pronouns you use, and spent a few years (before I met her) as a man before realizing that wasn't correct either and she didn't fit strictly in the gender binary. I refer to her with female pronouns because that's how she introduced herself.

 

It works.

[Moeru]

I'm a FtM transgender, so my mental sex is male, but my actual sex is female. I've been wanting to tell my parents for....well, years. The only thing that is stopping me is that i'm afraid they won't accept it. They do accept me being a poly-amorous bisexual, but i'm not sure. I'm trying to get all of my friends call me by my male name, but it's difficult for some.

Coming out to family as transgender is extremely difficult and potentially dangerous, but if you have a support system in place (such as aunts, grandparents, friends, friends' parents etc.) who accept you as a guy and support you completely, it makes each coming-out easier and easier.

 

Tell your friends that your identity, your gender is as valid as theirs and that calling you by your REAL name is pretty necessary because you wouldn't ever call THEM by an inappropriate name. It will take them some time to get used to it, but don't back down or let anybody act like your identity is not 'real'.

 

Considering that your parents are already accepting of you being bisexual, it sounds like they are slightly prepared for gender discussion, so it might be good to give them some educational material.

 

Kishing: FtM genderqueer here, meaning I'd like to get HRT and at least one surgery (not likely given my other medical conditions, sigh), but I'd still be a pretty femme guy.

 

There are TONS of femme trans dudes out there, you'd be in good company, bro!

[TikindiDragon]

Considering that your parents are already accepting of you being bisexual, it sounds like they are slightly prepared for gender discussion, so it might be good to give them some educational material.

Just a note on this - that's not nescesarily a given. I had a girlfriend at one point, who's Mum was totally accepting of the idea that both I and her daughter were bi, but she could not accept the idea that I was trans. As far as she was concerned trans men were just unhappy lesbians O.O

[Dimar]

I'm cis- nothing interesting to see here.

 

It's interesting to read all of these responses. Sexuality and gender identity have always been things that interest me to study. *gives out hugs for everyone who seems to need one*

[Alyxsandre]

I myself am also Cis~ However, I don't like to identify as female many times. I'm more of the "hu." I don't like to identify myself with any gender, since i have many 'masculine' and many 'female' quirks. I'd Say, I'm FeMale. 8D bahahaha.

 

Hehe, it's interesting to see this kind of topic, if anything, it's great! I've started to delve more into gender identity, seeing as in school we started doing things such as Gender Studies and we covered this article talking a boy who liked to be more 'feminine' but still wanted to be called a boy. Dressed in dresses one day, dressed in sweats and tee-shirts the next and it talked about how much difficulty his parents were having with him, and whether or not society would really accept him. It really intrigued me.

 

For me, it's kind of sad how big of a deal some people make when others identify with other genders, even if it's not their biological sex. The human race is kind of...sad sometimes :/ It would seem that it doesn't need to be such a big deal, but yet it is!

[KageSora]

I wouldn't call you Cis, then Dragnia--I've always seen cisgender used specifically for people who identify their gender as the same as their sex. So, if you don't like to identify with any gender, I wouldn't consider that cis.

 

But maybe that's just me, personally. Whatever label you prefer is the one you ought to use, after all. :3

 

@wonton--You might be genderfluid. I usually identify as female, but there are times when I don't feel like either or I feel like I identify as male, so I refer to myself as genderfluid since it seems to change based on my mood and the situation I'm in.

[Alyxsandre]

Haha, I guess it's more of, say, if I'm on another site, even though I have, say, a male avatar, and people ask my gender, I'd say Female, but more for the fact of not tormenting people. It's a very strange thing, I think o_o;;

 

Though I suppose if you disregard gender...

Let's just say I'm--bahaha. I don't even know

 

I guess I just don't like "identities" in general. Generalizations kind of bother me at times. Like...why do we need to fall into some sort of identification? Why can't we just be what we want to be? Why fall into a category?

 

Then the gates for many other things open up at that question, but for the sake of staying on topic, I'll leave it at that~

[7Deadly$ins]

Haha, I guess it's more of, say, if I'm on another site, even though I have, say, a male avatar, and people ask my gender, I'd say Female, but more for the fact of not tormenting people. It's a very strange thing, I think o_o;;

 

Though I suppose if you disregard gender...

Let's just say I'm--bahaha. I don't even know

 

I guess I just don't like "identities" in general. Generalizations kind of bother me at times. Like...why do we need to fall into some sort of identification? Why can't we just be what we want to be? Why fall into a category?

 

Then the gates for many other things open up at that question, but for the sake of staying on topic, I'll leave it at that~

If we don't categorize things we can't communicate it. It isn't about gender norms, either, it IS about being what you feel like. This is why we have things like bigender and gender fluidity.

[Alyxsandre]

If we don't categorize things we can't communicate it. It isn't about gender norms, either, it IS about being what you feel like. This is why we have things like bigender and gender fluidity.

that is a very true statement. It's basically just, well...like morals. Things that we've been grown to expect. If anything, no matter how sad it sounds, we would be very lost without those sort of categories. But I don't quite see it as "not being able to communicate it." Why does everything need a label? Just so that we can understand? It's the nature of humans, I suppose. We /want/ to understand things, which is why people so desperately have to find themselves giving themselves labels. By now I've given up trying to identify with a gender and a sexuality. All I know is that I am only attracted men who are biologically male from the start. But I don't quite say "heterosexual" either.

 

I guess it's also mostly...where we ARE doing what we feel like, why does society...what's the word...I dunno, not quite 'go against,' but just not accept.

 

The way I see it, it's more of that...Society in general is not quite used to people leaving the "gender norms" : P I know my mother gives me strange looks when I tell her that I want to bind myself for crossplays...^^; and that's just something simple....

 

I live for the day that we don't need to fit under categories to be able to understand each other. thought that day may never come, the more that I think about it. It's like hoping for a world of complete equality.

[7Deadly$ins]

I don't think you need to stop categorizing things to have things be equal.

[Alyxsandre]

I wouldn't say equal. I was just putting that as an example :'D

I meant more of...being able to escape stereotypes and the such.

[OMGitsKairi]

Biologically female over here.

 

Gender-wise? I haven't the faintest idea what to call myself. My "real" name is feminine,

and I've been referred to by that and female pronouns my entire life. However, I don't

really "feel" like a girl. I don't "feel" like a boy at all, so I'm not male either. I've come to

think of myself as not having any kind of gender at all, even though I continue to use

my feminine name and female pronouns. With a few of my friends offline, I've jokingly

started telling them, "My gender is Time Lord," because I can't quite think of a "proper"

label that suits me. But if anybody has any ideas about terminology that they'd like to

pass along, I'd much appreciate it.

[Alyxsandre]

Biologically female over here.

 

Gender-wise? I haven't the faintest idea what to call myself. My "real" name is feminine,

and I've been referred to by that and female pronouns my entire life. However, I don't

really "feel" like a girl. I don't "feel" like a boy at all, so I'm not male either. I've come to

think of myself as not having any kind of gender at all, even though I continue to use

my feminine name and female pronouns. With a few of my friends offline, I've jokingly

started telling them, "My gender is Time Lord," because I can't quite think of a "proper"

label that suits me. But if anybody has any ideas about terminology that they'd like to

pass along, I'd much appreciate it.

This is a wonderful pronoun that my friend has introduced me to. In reality, I was mostly looking into it because I have some 100% androgynous characters who do not have any gender at all, and I didn't want to refer to them as "it" or as a "he" or a "she."

 

This is a wonderful pronoun!

I'm neither a she, nor a he, much less an It. I am a 'hu' :3

Edited February 19, 2013 by Dragnia_Zonatia

[Riverwillows]

kiffren, I wish I could be your mom too, honey.

 

 

On the point of being afraid to tell one's parents/family they are 'different'.......

 

When you get pregnant, you are filled with joy.

People ask you, what do you want, a girl or a boy?

You say don't matter, as long as it's well.

You bring home your baby, and feel your heart swell.

 

You raise your little one, and watch them grow.

They drive you nuts, but you adore them even so.

You think nothing ever could change your view,

Then one day your teen says "I have to talk to you....."

 

They tell you they are different, in a most surprising way

They say they've known this, since the very first day

You say, "Oh no, no child of mine...."

You turn them away, for this dire crime.

 

Then, I must ask you: When did your love for your child become conditional??

They are still the same child inside that you brought home from the hosptial. **

 

 

 

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds." Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

 

 

 

**copyright D.Chaffey 2013

Edited February 19, 2013 by Riverwillows

[Tazzay]

kiffren, I wish I could be your mom too, honey.

 

 

On the point of being afraid to tell one's parents/family they are 'different'.......

 

When you get pregnant, you are filled with joy.

People ask you, what do you want, a girl or a boy?

You say don't matter, as long as it's well.

You bring home your baby, and feel your heart swell.

 

You raise your little one, and watch them grow.

They drive you nuts, but you adore them even so.

You think nothing ever could change your view,

Then one day your teen says "I have to talk to you....."

 

They tell you they are different, in a most surprising way

They say they've known this, since the very first day

You say, "Oh no, no child of mine...."

You turn them away, for this dire crime.

 

Then, I must ask you: When did your love for your child become conditional??

They are still the same child inside that you brought home from the hosptial. **

 

 

 

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds." Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

 

 

 

**copyright D.Chaffey 2013

That is....beautiful...

 

I think we all want you to be our mother.

[Riverwillows]

Ok, I'm going to take a very opinionated hard line here, ok? Please don't be offended.

 

You young ones, who are "different", I don't care WHAT your parents tell you. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, okay?? You ARE normal.

 

THEY are just responding to their own individual ideals hammered into them by their own families and friends. It DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE RIGHT.

 

You've grown up looking up to them, taking comfort in their always being "right". As a child this is good, and should be this way.

 

But now, you are young adults. You need to think for yourself and find your own way. And what was "right" for your parents, will most likely NOT be "right" for you. This is called growing up.

 

See, we parents don't own you. We are given the priviledge and honor of having you, raising you, and charged with instilling mores and norms in you to be prosperous adults in society. BUT...

 

We don't own you. Never did. You ultimately own yourselves. You MUST make your own choices, for what makes YOU happy, not your parents. Love them, but don't be them. Be yourself.

 

History all the way back to the stone ages is full of 'different' people. Ancient cultures celebrated "two-souled" people, often making them shamans, or leaders. Many ancient societies didn't have gender specific expectations. This has been proven by scientists and social archeologists studying the remants of those societies existing today, and what they left behind.

 

Know that it's only in the last couple hundred years or so, that we have seen these "different" people in the light that THEY have the problem. It was not always so.

 

So, take a deep breathe, kids. You are not odd, or wierd or criminals. You are actually quite normal in the eyes of the human race in its long time on this earth. Don't let someone's blindness blind you too. Love them, but move beyond them. You all have more support than you may think. You all are wonderful beautiful creatures and the human race needs what you have to offer.

[KageSora]

@Dragnia--I personally enjoy being able to label myself with something I like, but I understand the not wanting to label yourself thing, too.

 

It'd be nice if we didn't need labels, but could have them for those who desire them.

 

Also, re: gender pronouns:

 

I'm rather fond of xe, xir, xem myself.

[Alyxsandre]

I've heard of those before, as well, Kage. I think they're actually mentioned in that site I linked o_o but not sure It's been a while since I read it...

 

It really is though, in regards to labels. I mean...although it might be better for us without them, in the current shape of society, they really offer that comfort.

 

@Riverwillows: Your way of thinking is beautiful. If only the majority of parents thought like that as well...but it really starts to give hope to the world, you know? Everything starts with one person! x3 Although what you have said doesn't really apply to me, it is simply beautiful <3

[Moeru]

Just a note on this - that's not nescesarily a given. I had a girlfriend at one point, who's Mum was totally accepting of the idea that both I and her daughter were bi, but she could not accept the idea that I was trans. As far as she was concerned trans men were just unhappy lesbians O.O

It's true, that's why I said *probably*, lol.

It's a reflection of the media of the times, that people are much more willing to accept sexual orientation of various combinations but NOT willing to accept that someone's gender might be different than the gender they were assigned at birth.

 

We can change our total appearance, hair, name, style, features via surgery, job, accent... we can change EVERYTHING about ourselves and people don't care, but as soon as you say you're changing your gender presentation people LOSE THEIR .

This is pathetic.

But all that trans people really need to do is keep living and keep being, by their presence, an example of normality and health.

[Dimar]

We can change our total appearance, hair, name, style, features via surgery, job, accent... we can change EVERYTHING about ourselves and people don't care, but as soon as you say you're changing your gender presentation people LOSE THEIR .

This is pathetic.

But all that trans people really need to do is keep living and keep being, by their presence, an example of normality and health.

Oh, THIS so many times.

 

@Riverwillows: I love your thinking. Even though I'm cis and (mostly) straight, my parents have never accepted the fact that I support people with other orientations or identifications. They oppose the concept. I really applaud your stance.

 

Have a flower, both of you.

[catstaff]

Since I haven't seen mention of it in this thread, and I no longer remember where I first heard of it, I thought I'd bring people's attention to the blog Raising My Rainbow which is written by a woman whose second son is, as she puts it, fabulously gender creative.

 

I've been reading it for some time now; while I am cisgender and my daughter hasn't said anything indicating that she is anything other than cis- as well, I find it fascinating to read of the challenges this family goes through in their lives.

 

I love how this family has learned to handle this little boy's preference for wearing skirts and I love how the mom does a bit of gentle teaching out in the community, such as by suggesting to the day-camp counselors that instead of "boys do activity A, girls do activity B" that they might instead let the kids pick which activity to do and divide them that way instead of by sex. And the counselors said later that it turned out that plenty of girls had wanted to do the "boy" activity, and a few boys preferred the "girl" activity.

 

@Tazzay, maybe showing the blog to your family could help to open the dialogue for you to tell them about yourself? Obviously, I don't know you or them or what their reactions are likely to be, so take my suggestion with as many grains of salt as you think are necessary.

[CrimsonKingie]

Hello all~ Cisgender heterosexual female here and there are two things that I'd like to hear all of your opinions about.

 

First of all, I have been formally diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, which is a part of the autism spectrum. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in middle school, so it's been quite a bumpy road understanding and dealing with everything (I'm in my second year of college now). In relation to the story, what this means for me is that while I am more or less perfectly functional as far as reading, writing, and taking care of myself go, I'm a bit weird socially. I suffer from a lot of social anxiety. For instance, I really don't like people touching me. I can get upset by things that regular people wouldn't take seriously. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm different (which is not to say that everyone else is the same of course, just that I'm a bit farther towards one end of the bell curve). Please keep this in mind.

 

I have been friends with a certain person for about six years. As far as I know this person was born physically male. I don't have very many close friends, and most of those are male for one reason or another. My group of friends and I were mostly into things like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings and RPGs and so on and so forth. Up until last summer, I personally had no idea that the person that I'm talking about wanted to be anything more or less than what he already was.

 

At the end of the big senior trip at the end of the year, my friend confessed that he "liked" me. I had sort of suspected as much for a while, but since I wasn't comfortable with the idea of that sort of relationship (I'm still not) I said something along the lines of "Okay, well, I really only want to be your friend." I tried to be as polite as I could, but he got very upset and wouldn't even sit near me on the bus ride home.

 

Last year my friend came out as trans*. As you might imagine (or perhaps it was only my weird social brain), I was a bit... mystified by the whole thing. My thought process went something like: (1) He said that he liked me. (2) He was upset when I turned him down. (3) Now he wants to be a girl. (4) Does he think I'm a lesbian?? This still sounds weird and not a little self-centered to me when I think about it now, but like I said, my brain can interpret things very literally at times. >_> I'm not sure what to think about this, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I'd like to hear some opinions about this.

 

This other question is more of a matter of personal curiosity.

 

If you are trans*, what are your opinions on species dysphoria (therians and otherkin, for instance)? The feeling that one was born in the wrong body is present in both situations, but with the technology we currently have it is entirely impossible to physically become, say, a horse or a wolf. Please tell me what you think.

Edited February 21, 2013 by CrimsonKingie

[TikindiDragon]

If you are trans*, what are your opinions on species dysphoria (therians and otherkin, for instance)? The feeling that one was born in the wrong body is present in both situations, but with the technology we currently have it is entirely impossible to physically become, say, a horse or a wolf. Please tell me what you think.

I will note is that the differences in the brain of a transgender person can often be seen in an MRI.

 

I will also say that while I can strongly identify with the idea of another species (I actually rather strongly identify with Tolkeinesqe dwarves) that it's a whole different ballgame to being trans. Unless the person concerned can show (and have corroborated by parental anecdotes) that they've been feeling that way since they were very, very young.

 

Trans folk know their gender pretty much from the moment they are born. There's no 'awakening' that goes on, although there may be a struggle to accept it.

 

(Incidently I, also, am on the spectrum. Diagnosed in my 20's after I'd started having issues in the workplace).

[glaya]

I personally believe that gender should be CHOSEN. We have an extremely large range of "male" and "female" anatomy. I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone what gender they are. HOWEVER, I think that "sex" is a different subject.. If someone has the identity of a male but they have the female reproductive organs, they are male in gender, but female in sex. Of course there are exceptions, such as not being able to reproduce or having both reproductive organs. In these cases I cannot make a general opinion..