Posted December 18, 2009 Well, I'm so excited for the RP to officially start. And one quick question: how long, approximately, should the introduction posts be? Here are some edits on your application form, although it seems pretty good as a whole. The features on Alina’s face are rather defined, despite the fact that she rarely ever uses make-up. Her eyes are a sad, bluish gray shade, and her eyes have gotten nothing but more despairing since the death of her dear brother. Currently, her skin is lightly tanned, due to the amount of time she spends outside. However, her skin would return to its rather pale shade quite quickly. She would lose her tan if she stayed out of the sun for only a week. Still, her paleness doesn’t cause her to look anymore sickly than she already is. Her body is lean and muscular for a girl, which would be expected, considering the amount of time she spends playing sports outside. She has a faded scar high up on her right arm, one that can only been seen when she wears short-sleeves. The scar holds a deep, despairing memory that Alina would rather now talk about. Maybe you could use another word in the first or second use of "despairing." I think it wouldn't be horrible if it wasn't changed, but the description just seems a bit over-used. Leaving it like that or changing it, either way would be alright. And I think you meant to write "Alina would rather not talk about," instead of now. Of all animals, she loves birds the most, as she finds them the most interesting and with some species, the easiest to observe. Her favorite is the peregrine falcon, which she has seen a number of times. Where and when did she see the peregrine falcon? Maybe you could include a little more detail; it just seems a bit vague. Despite being an average student who earns A’s and B’s, she is armed with an extremely sharp and quick tongue, ready to use it whenever someone close to her is insulted. She is clever and quick-witted, sometimes resulting in people having the belief that she is terribly rude. However, she is far more polite than many other teens of her age. She lies whenever needed, and is capable of lying smoothly, but she never breaks promises that she has sincerely made, no matter what. It is something that she takes a great deal of pride in. The first sentence seems strangely-worded. Why is being an average student contradictory to having a sharp tongue? Also, if people believe she is rude, how would it be possible that she is actually very polite? Alina would be utterly rendered useless if someone managed to take hold of Fane’s pocket watch, since she would do everything in her power to keep it safe. Stealing the pocket watch would be the easiest, and cruelest, way to manipulate her. I think it would be more understandable worded as "rendered utterly useless" instead. And maybe go into further description of why the pocket watch it so precious to her, other than the fact it was her brothers? - Really, other than those few things, I think it's pretty much good! Great job, your character sounds very interesting Share this post Link to post
Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) Well, I would like the intro paragraphs to be at least two paragraphs, like the minimum, but if you can't make it, then I'll probably let it slide. But I don't think it'd be that hard to get a long post, considering how most of the characters seem to lead interesting lives. Okay, I fixed it. Thank you. The first sentence seems strangely-worded. Why is being an average student contradictory to having a sharp tongue? What I meant was that she may not be book-smart, but she's street-smart, and she can weave a believable story on short notice. Also, if people believe she is rude, how would it be possible that she is actually very polite? She's rude when people get on her bad side, but usually, she's polite. It's just that people tend to get on her bad side so much that she seems rude. And maybe go into further description of why the pocket watch it so precious to her, other than the fact it was her brothers? If it's fine with you, I think I'll explain that in the RP, though there's really not much to explain. Edited December 18, 2009 by Mangaholic Share this post Link to post
Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) Dun worry Manga; I prefer rp'ing guys so the two chars will be guys. Due to the fact I'm out on vacation, once I finish a different form using ma copy+pasta skillz, I'll be like... So close to finishing. Scout's honor. 8D Sorry I've been putting this off... I fail at like... Doing... Work. Man... Edited December 18, 2009 by brokenglass Share this post Link to post
Posted December 19, 2009 Got it, thanks for the info Well, if you want to explain them further into the RP, that's fine. I wasn't really sure what to edit other than the grammar and spelling mistakes, because it would have been fine either way. Share this post Link to post
Posted December 19, 2009 That's good. She is sort of an interesting character, but what would probably be more interesting is how the other characters are going to deal with her. I might use her to trigger all of the little problems along the way if no one else wants to do it. Umm... so is it okay now? brokenglass: If you're on vacation, just go enjoy your vacation and don't worry about this. Just finish when you get back home. I don't want to ruin your fun. But I like your FMA Christmas avatars, especially Edward. And I'll try starting this today, since I didn't yesterday... Share this post Link to post
Posted December 19, 2009 No I just call Christmas break vacation rofl. I am home though... Okay I hate myself due to the fact I KEEP procrastinating. I'm finishing all these forms today if it kills me. e_e Also, thanks for the comment on avatars. Awesome what MS paint can do now'a'days rofl. Share this post Link to post
Posted December 19, 2009 btw Manga, could you add OOC to the title of this thread? in the actual name bar? Share this post Link to post
Posted December 19, 2009 Manga, yeah, your application looks fine now. To me, at least Share this post Link to post
Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) Thanks dani! Okay, I finished the my intro, which means that this RP has officially started. Sorry if it's too short, but my brother is rushing me right now. The first paragraph isn't from Alina's point of view, so sorry about that. Also, the Updates section at the beginning has a description of current-day New York, so everyone should take a look at it. Edit: BG: When you're done with your form, why don't you just post it here, so that it'll be faster. Thanks. Edited December 20, 2009 by Mangaholic Share this post Link to post
Posted December 20, 2009 Okies gots it manga. :3 .... God I fail. I just baaaaareeely finished my 'supa-fast' 'copy+pasta' form. >_> Damn it I have a lot of stuff to type.... ._. Share this post Link to post
Posted December 20, 2009 dani, it is not going to be anything near col, coolest it will be at this point is maybe, maybe 70 degrees F Share this post Link to post
Posted December 20, 2009 yeah, i know that. but pure winter faeries are, i believe, able to freeze anything at any temperature, because they also have the ability to lower the temperature. that's what i wanted to imply when i wrote the post. i think it should be clear now Share this post Link to post
Posted December 20, 2009 dani: As long as the temperature went down only when that girl walked by, I think it's fine. "Oof! Ugh, watch where you're going!" she exclaimed Messiah: "Clay, Greg, we need you at the planning table," said the man as he walked towards the table. Btw, are there supposed to be people on the train while it's being bombed, or were you implying that there were Faeries/Demons/etc. on that train? Sorry, I'm a bit slow. jaina: The day had been long and pleasant; spending summer with her friends was what she always wanted to do, The first part of that sentence should have a semi-colon, I think. I just wanted to point that out, what's in bold. Otherwise, I like all of your posts. ^^ Share this post Link to post
Posted December 20, 2009 Manga: I hadn't thought about that before hand, you could just assume that the train was brand new and the people who were inside were Faeries, Demons, Warlocks etc. Share this post Link to post
Posted December 20, 2009 Yay, more chars have been accepted! ... hopefully this won't start while I'm away. Share this post Link to post
Posted December 20, 2009 No it has started! Well I'll join up tomorrow in the action Share this post Link to post
Posted December 21, 2009 I don't know about you guys, but I'm proud with my intro! Share this post Link to post
Posted December 21, 2009 Yours is... almost a tl;dr, but I hate skipping. Mine, eh... I think I'm getting a feel for my char. We'll see. I'm fairly happy with mine. Share this post Link to post
Posted December 21, 2009 We have a Summer hybrid from Key2Universe, and a character from Kira1 is coming soon. I'll make another irrelevant post tomorrow, when I have time, so everyone who's dying to post more will have their chance then. RheaDark: Don't worry, once we get to the part where all of the characters meet, I'll make sure that nothing else happens until you come back. Besides, there are a bunch of other people who haven't had their characters approved yet, so I won't leave them behind. I like my character. ^^ She seems to be the most interesting of all my previous ones. But my intro... not that great... Share this post Link to post
Posted December 21, 2009 As Shira gets better at controlling electricity, I have a good ability for her to learn, railgun. Share this post Link to post
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