Bad Jokes

[Hazel360]

Here's a joke (actually, the translation of a joke) I heard from a crazy old man at a market, which went something like this:

A man was walking down a street, when he found a lamp. Rubbing it three times, a genie came out, saying "I will grant you three wishes- but there's a catch. For each wish I grant you, your mother-in-law will receive double. " So the man wished for a mansion and a car. The mother-in-law, obviously, got twice of what he got. Last of all, he wished to get beaten up and left half-dead.

Edited December 16, 2013 by Hazel360

[dustpuppy]

and a Terry Pratchett one:

"Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association.”

That's a great one.

 

 

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

He was standing on the deck.

[edwardelricfreak]

This probably won't be understood by anyone unless they've seen Baman Piderman...specifically

 

What do you get when you eat all the potatoes?

 

They're all...gone!

[dustpuppy]

Two balloons are flying through the air. One says to the other: "be careful, there's a cactussssssssssssssss...", the other responds: "who caressssssssssssss..."

[BlitzDrake]

There's a sadist and a masochist locked in a room. The sadist is starting to freak out and says please, please hit me. The masochist just smiles and says "no."

[Bunnybrine]

A Math Teacher with a protractor, a compass, and a pen boarding a plane was arrested by the police. When he asked why, they said he was carrying weapons of math instruction O_o

[TikindiDragon]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

[InugamiZERO]

There's a sadist and a masochist locked in a room. The sadist is starting to freak out and says please, please hit me. The masochist just smiles and says "no."

I don't get this one

[Beldarius]

Racist jokes removed. Those aren't appropriate in the slightest.

 

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian decided to throw something off a hot-air balloon.

 

The Norwegian threw a rotten apple and they went to see where it fell. They found a crying boy who said: "I was thrown with a rotten apple."

 

Then the Swede threw a banana peel and they went to see where it fell. They found a crying boy who said: "I was thrown with a banana peel and slipped on it."

 

Then the Finn threw a bomb and they went to see where it fell. They found a laughing boy who said: "When our teacher farted, the whole school blew up!"

 

///////////////

 

Grandma and grandpa played soccer and grandpa lost. ...They're still looking for him.

 

///////////////

 

 

Two antennae got married. The wedding wasn't anything special, but the reception was spectacular.

 

///////////////

 

Why shouldn't Turkish people play soccer?

-Because every time they get a corner, they start a pizzeria.

Edited December 31, 2013 by SockPuppet Strangler

[azaria]

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

 

You may think it's Arrr, but nay, his first love be the "C."

[dragonfire75]

There was a depressed chicken. Why did he cross the road? So he could get run over by a car ._.

[InugamiZERO]

There's a sadist and a masochist locked in a room. The sadist is starting to freak out and says please, please hit me. The masochist just smiles and says "no."

will someone explain this to and yes I know what a masochist and sadist is that's why it does not make sense

 

 

how do you make time fly throw butter out the window and hide

[Shienvien]

will someone explain this to and yes I know what a masochist and sadist is that's why it does not make sense

How to you make a person who enjoys pain suffer?

[InugamiZERO]

then they have the two around the wrong way

masochist enjoys feeling pain

sadist enjoys giving pain

[Allons-y~Geronimo]

If someone tells you they are in distress, you can say to them "which dress?"

[Herada]

A king asks a knight to fight a dragon. The knight, not all happy about it, asks:

"How am I supposed to survive that?"

 

The king replies:

"I don't know, but if you don't, I'll kill you."

 

Yeah... real bad.

[gjhhhhhh]

I tried to tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.

 

Told a chemistry joke--no reaction.

 

Want to hear a joke about cheddar cheese?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

 

Want a popcorn joke?

It's a little corny.

 

That's all I've got off the top of my head...

[BlitzDrake]

I don't get this one

Sadists love inflicting pain. Masochists like pain being inflicted on them. So its basically a joke on the fact the roles are being reversed in this instance; the sadist is the one wanting to have pain inflicted on them and the masochist is denying to inflict the pain on the sadist, which in turn is making the sadist suffer more.. so the masochist becomes the sadist and sadist the masochist. .___. I really over elaborate

Edited January 26, 2014 by BlightWyvern

[Alegra]

Every music joke ever

 

What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A flat miner

[Bunnybrine]

How many violas does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they can't get up that high anyway...

How many violins does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, 1 second violin to hold the lightbulb, and 1 first violin to make the world revolve around them! 1st violins FTW

What do do with a horn player that can't play?

Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.

What do you do if he can't do that?

Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

Edited January 27, 2014 by Bunnybrine

[Cooldude7874]

Q: What do you call a clairvoyant short person who just broke out of jail?

 

A: A small medium at large!

 

Q: How do you make an elephant float?

 

A: 2 scoops of ice cream, root beer and an elephant!

 

Here's a funny one:

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. The waiter asks him if he wants some food. the panda orders some food. When the panda finished eating, the waiter asks him if he wanted some more food. The panda took out a gun and shot the waiter! The owner of the restaurant walked up to the panda and said: "Why did you shoot my waiter!? He was my best waiter!" The panda said: "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary." Then he left the restaurant. The owner of the restaurant looked up 'panda' in the dictonary the defenition was: Panda bear. Eats shoots and leaves.

Edited January 30, 2014 by Cooldude7874

[DragonKami]

What do you call a ghost chicken? (You know it's coming.) A PoultryGeist!

 

(I just thought of that randomly so I came here)

[Smaug-is-my-dragon]

Girl: Mom, what does it feel like having the best daughter in the world?

 

Mom: I don't know dear, you'll have to ask your Grandmother.

 

=+=+=+=

 

Two guys walk into a bar, when the bar tender asks the first what he wants, he says "I'll have H2O," The second man says, "I'll have H2O too." the second man dies.

 

Get it? H2O2

 

=+=+=+=

 

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9! Hahaha....ha....umm.....hmm

 

=+=+=+=

 

What's black and white and red all over? A penguin in a blender.......

 

=+=+=+=

 

How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Who knows? As soon as the light comes on, they scatter!

 

=+=+=+=

 

Three guys are about to be executed by a firing squad, the first one is taken out, put up against the wall, and just as the squad is going to shoot, the man yells "Tornado!" Everyone runs for cover, thinking there is a tornado, while the man runs off and escapes. After the squad realizes there is no danger, they bring out the second man, just as they are about to shoot, he yells "Flood!" Again, the squad runs for cover while the second man escapes. Finally the third man is brought out, "Ready.....aim......." and the third man yells, "Fire!"

 

BANG!

 

=+=+=+=

Edited February 2, 2014 by Smaug-is-my-dragon

[Obscure_Trash]

Two guys walk into a bar, when the bar tender asks the first what he wants, he says "I'll have H2O," The second man says, "I'll have H2O two."

 

(two should be too) I think you skipped part of the joke. Doesn't it end with "And then he dies/the second guy dies"?

[Lore_Master]

What do ghost robbers do?

 

They commit Gheists.