Bad Jokes

[SoiledLove]

Here's one:

 

How many steps does it take to put an elephant into a fridge?

Three: open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

 

How many does it take to put a giraffe in?

Four: open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, close the door.

 

The animals are having a meeting, which animal didn't come?

The giraffe, it's inside the fridge.

 

A plane has 500 windows. One falls, how many windows are left?

499.

 

An old woman wants to cross an alligator infested river. There's no boat or bridge, but she still walks across without being eaten. Why?

All the alligators are at the meeting.

 

Even though the woman gets across, she still dies, why?

The window hit her.

 

It's all one joke, but it's kinda lame and a little bit mean, although very ingenious.

[KoalaNoob]

Two scientists walked into a bar.

The first said, "I want some H2O."

The other said, "I want some H2O too!"

The second scientist died.

 

Y'know because h2o2? Too is like two? No? Sorry...

H2o2 is really a weak acid anyway, I guess.

[octopi]

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have some H2O." The second one says "I'll have some water too. Wh... Why did you say H2O? I mean I get that it's the chemical formula of water but that was really unnecessary. We're not in the lab." The first chemist swears under his breath. His assassination plan had failed.

 

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have some H2O." The second one says "I'll have some H2O too." The bartender serves them both water because he is not so irresponsible as to serve acid to his patrons.

 

 

[Shienvien]

Y'know because h2o2? Too is like two? No? Sorry...

H2o2 is really a weak acid anyway, I guess.

 

H2O2 is not an acid at all; it is a peroxide (and therefore a hyperaggressive oxidizer).

 

Acids release H+ ions into solutions.

H2O2 will net you a loose O-- ion when it becomes the far more stable water.

 

 

[KoalaNoob]

H2O2 is not an acid at all; it is a peroxide (and therefore a hyperaggressive oxidizer).

 

Acids release H+ ions into solutions.

H2O2 will net you a loose O-- ion when it becomes the far more stable water.

Lol, sorry. But it's actually considered to be a weak acid. :c

[sh20000sh]

dihydrogen monoxide

[Shienvien]

Lol, sorry. But it's actually considered to be a weak acid. :c

Oxidizers, let alone as potent ones as hydrogen peroxide, are pretty much the *opposites* of acids, so I somewhat question that statement. Might have been some slight misunderstanding somewhere. (Giving H+ ions into the solution is what acids are defined by; H2O2 ... doesn't really do that.)

 

(Rather, normal water could be considered an extremely weak acid as a bit of a stretch. Maybe it was that you saw?)

Edited August 3, 2014 by Shienvien

[octopi]

Well acid/base definitions are all REALLY WEIRD (by Bronsted-Lowry water is both), but H2O2 solutions in water uniformly have less than 7 pH.

 

Okay here's a really bad one (I put the punchline in white highlight it when you get there):

 

Long ago in the medieval ages there were three kingdoms whose borders all happened to intersect at a single point. This point was on an island, in the middle of a lake. This made it a critical strategic position and all three kingdoms wanted to capture it. After years of passive-aggressive politicking, they decided that it couldn't wait any longer - they would go to war.

 

The first kingdom had a great wealth of resources and an extensive trading network. It was very rich - and so was its military. On the night before the first battle they sent hundreds of knights, marching in rows, each accompanied by several squires. The second, of average wealth but desperate to show up their long-time rivals, also sent many knights accompanied by two squires each. The third country was either really poor or just didn't care and sent a single knight accompanied by a single squire. The knights from the first and second kingdoms all set up camp and went to sleep in preparation for their important battles while the squires polished their armor. However, in the third kingdom's camp, the knight polished his own armor, while his squire tied a loop in a rope, hung a pot from one side and attached it to a tree from the other side, and cooked soup for the two of them.

 

The next morning it was decided that the knights were too important to participate in something as insignificant as the first battle - so all three kingdoms sent their squires to fight instead. After a long battle, the single squire from the third kingdom emerged, victorious,

 

thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the squires of the other two sides.

[Shienvien]

Well acid/base definitions are all REALLY WEIRD (by Bronsted-Lowry water is both), but H2O2 solutions in water uniformly have less than 7 pH.

I'd rather bet on water deciding to be acid in this instance and yielding more H+ ions than usual (since an extremely potent oxidizer is present - which tends to tilt the balance that way).

[octopi]

Ugh I'm running out of jokes to pad my posts with since this isn't a chemistry discussion thread but. H2SO4 isn't really an acid either since it doesn't release any ions - H2SO4-water solution is/does. I'm not an expert but if you say "oh it's just because it's interacting with water" then nothing's an acid.

 

Okay here: My friend robbed a drugstore the other day. He's being charged for pillaging.

Edited August 3, 2014 by Fractional Pi Day

[Shienvien]

I'm not an expert but if you say "oh it's just because it's interacting with water" then nothing's an acid.

Ah, but you see, the difference is in which molecules the H+ ions *come* from.

 

In H2SO4 solution, many H2SO4 molecules break down into HSO4- and H+ ions, (and some SO4++ ions, and a few won't break down at all). H2O, meanwhile, just stays molecular H2O. Hence, H2SO4 is being an acid here, and water is passive.

 

Now, if water is being an acid/alkali, then *water* breaks down into H+ and OH- ions. (Which is what I'd expect it to somewhat do in a H2O2 solution.)

[Lemniscate]

What does a pirate wear to a fight? Battle Arrrmor.

.

.

.

No. *dies*

[teslakana]

So Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the bartender turns to her and says;

"These horse-face jokes are cruel and insensitive, what'll you have?"

 

Make a potassium joke?

"K"

 

What do you call a microbiologist in an orchestra?

A cell-ist!

 

did you hear about the guy who's made of crystals?

"He's an absolute gem!

 

Does anyone need an Ark?

I Noah guy!

 

So, two needles are having a rather-elongated conversation, and one of them is rambling, non-stop, and the second needle turns toward him and says "Get to the point!"

[HorseChick]

Here is a really dumb one:

A bat says:What was your worst day ever?

And the other says:The day when I had diarrhea.

Get it?Bat are all day upside-down.

*gets thrown tomatoes*

Edited August 21, 2014 by HorseChick

[greenglassesgal]

Q: When is a door not a door?

A: When it is a jar.

 

Q: Why was the math teacher always stressed?

A: Because she had lots of problems.

 

Q: What was the biologist wearing on his first date?

A: Designer genes

 

Q: What is the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

A: When you have bird flu, you need tweetment. When you have swine flu, you need oinkment.

 

Also someone wrote this on the desk I'm sitting at:

Friends are like snow. If you pee on them, they disappear.

[Starscream]

Dirty Joke:

two white horses fell in the mud!

[teslakana]

dear math, im not a therapist, solve your own problems...

 

Or, Alternatively...

 

Dear Algebra, stop asking me to find your 'X,' she isn't coming back...

[DragonKami]

Thanksgiving Joke.

 

 

 

Why did the ghost hunters go to the haunted house on Thanksgiving? To catch a roast!

 

 

Roast, Ghost?

[Kestra15]

Why don't blind people sky-dive?

 

Scares the dogs.

[DragonKami]

Man: I'll have the potatoes

Chef: Okay, would you like extra sodium on that

Man: Na.

 

Chemistry!!

 

[TCA]

The other day I walked into my creative writing class and said to my teacher, "Hey, I don't have my printed homework in my backpack. But that's okay, because I've got something UP MY SLEEVE" and pulled my rolled-up homework out of my sleeve.

[dreamtosleep]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

 

To get to the same side.

 

E, F, and G# Walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door, and says: "Sorry, we don't serve minors"

 

A scientist, a doctor, and a statistician go hunting, and see a deer. The scientist shoots two feet to the left, the doctor shoots two feet to the right, and the statistician says "We got him!"

[Path Light]

What would you call when a Turkey, a Duck and a Chicken merge together?

A Turducken!

 

Why the chicken cross the road?

It wanted to escape from KFC

Edited December 14, 2014 by Path Light

[rendragyn]

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

 

Can you smell carrots??

 

[InugamiZERO]

my nanna just sent me this joke

 

Quickie in the Bushes

 

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of

Breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen Minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's Change positions. This time, I 'll hold the Pigeon down and you on its head.'

 

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???