Dragon's Lair

[DragonGirl10188]

Dragon's Lair

 

The OOC

 

The girl's hands shook in delight, yet still in fear. Under a week ago she had purchased this egg, and it was hatching into a fine beast.

The little red head popped out of the egg shell, yolk dripping from its delicate scales. It stuck its forked tongue out, taking in the scents. The tail broke the shell, along with his tiny body. She smiled, letting it break the rest of the egg.

Her hands slowly inspected its body for any unhealthy signs; he was fine, and a male. Soon he would be a gigantic dragon, as tall as 20 feet. She kissed him gently on the top of his head, making sure she wouldn't disturb him.

The small hatchling waddled up to her, showing his body off; he had eagle's talons, long legs, a very long tail, red body, and moss green eyes.

He was magnificent. She watched as he rolled onto his back, some egg shell in his little claws. He took bites, knowing he had to eat. She let him, smiling warmly.

 

Humans used to treat dragons like this, like wise creatures who were friendly and calm. Their eggs hatching, like the owner gaining a new child. They stayed with them forever as guardians and companions. Soon it all changed; they whipped them until the only life left was bone. They starved them. Owners trained their dragon by hurting it.

Dragons are now used for shows only. No one thinks of them as friends; except one group of people. These humans raise the dragons, letting them free to roam their lives at their adult stages. You can become one of these; will you?

They steal the eggs before the owner can force them from their shell, they teach them how to hunt, live, run, everything; until they are the right age.

 

The group steals the eggs, and eventually the dragon inside learns to be a respectful, wise, and caring creature. Will you succeed? Or join the owners in assaults? Your choice, dragon raiser.

 

You have learned about this group through messages concerning your deeds to the dragons of our world, and have been asked a challenge. To steal an egg.

 

Dear [yourname],

 

Your approval challenge had finally come. Through your deeds we have chosen you out of a small amount of people. You must steal an egg. We do not care what type, just that it must be an egg from a mugget. Please bring it to,

 

18 Wayward forest 101,

 

Basically the Wayward forest, you will find a cabin with many levels and a basement. Talk to me, Triana.

Thank you.

 

The writing is in a bold, black type of writing, and the paper is charred and burned, though readable.

 

You decide to do as said. You sneak into the local village, near Wayward. You heard a man screaming at his dragon, more than likely a Bright-Breasted Wyvern. You wait until night, and finally sneak into his house. You hear the hissing of an incubator, and tiptoe into the room that the hissing is coming from. An egg is lying inside; you open it silently and carry it in both arms, wrapped in a towel that was in the incubator. You crouch and walk out, finally heading to the address.

 

"Ah! You must be [yourname]! Happy to meet you, I'm Triana. A mighty fine egg you got there, may I ask who it was from?"

 

You shake your head, stating you found it in a man's house. She nods and writes on paper, "Your room is up in the second floor, hang a right." She tells you.

 

"What do I do with the egg?" You put it a little in the air so she sees. You hope she wants you to give it to her, it is awfully heavy.

 

She looks at it."It is yours! Yours to raise. Of course you will be helping with others, but this is yours." Triana smiles, and you head to your room.

______________________

 

 

You get the story line, right? Time for the rules, and such. I'm sure you're smart enough to know what's happening.

By the way, the next day you wake up, go to Triana. She'll have an assignment for you every day. These are the missions that earn you coins, and possibly eggs to raise. Every dragon that becomes 1 year old can leave, as he/she can fend for themself. You are either successful in training it and caring, that is becomes wise and friendly, or fail, making it a beast.

________

 

Rules

I know these are boring, but please, for goodness sakes; Read them.

 

o I am GOD. I have the ability to attack you with mini ninja marshmallows if you throw the rules away.

o Cussing... is a NO. I do not want to accept it, not even "shiz" or "f*ck".

o The password is marshmallow, but put it in yellow.

o PG 13. Romance can be allowed, so can fighting, but keep it to a minimum.

o I can and will ban you from this if necessary. 2 warnings, then it is out.

o Do not control some one else's character. Ex:

Fred: Fred sheathes his sword, ready to fight Bob.

Bob: Bob goes onto his tippy toes; making Fred run away and scream like a baby.

o I have power to - or + rules. Also kill your character if needed to.

o Scratch that, cookies in brown. That's all.

o No fighting or spamming. I will get a mod to come in and stop it.

o Stay active! I don't want someone missing for 8 pages, I can ban you.

o Please do not argue with me, even if I say marshmallows are better than cookies. Password is marshmallows are better than cookies. I lied, this is what I want you to put somewhere in the post. Oh, in blue please.

o Post forms in the OOC.

 

 

Keywords-

 

Mugget - A person who tortures dragons.

Fanisia (Fan-i-sh-e-a) - A person who rescues the dragons and raises them.

Zen Stage - Dragons who have seen something they care about be beaten, this is called the Zen Stage. They get special care.

Fashinu - The group of people who rescue dragons.

Newen - A new dragon raiser.

Mass soon sun - The ceremony that is used when a dragon leaves to live in the wild.

 

 

 

FORMS:

 

 

Yush! Important filling out.

 

 

Once you wake up the next morning, Traina has placed a sheet on your desk. You read it, the first line is; "Fill this out and leave it with me -Triana".

It is a form for your information, it is in the same shape as the last letter, but you fill it in with a quill and ink.

 

Dragon Breeds

 

Name:
Gender:
Age:
Personality (Post the actual personality, don't roleplay it all) :
Appearance, attach a photo or write a description:
History, If wanting to share.
The date of which you stole the egg:
Other:

Egg breed; see Dragon Breeds above (No guardian of natures, or holidays. Rares can be your choice if you wish, or a simple common) :
Gender, determined by how fast the egg beats (F; fast, M; slower) :
Date stolen (Say the date of today, as in 17/8/11 for me) :
Name, fill in after egg hatches if you wish:

I [yourname] hereby state that I will take care of my dragon until I die. A rightful owner will be called to ensure ownership after my death. I will train, excersize, feed, water, and care for my dragon. 

[signature] (Just write your character's name)  

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Setting:

 

Fashinu Base:

 

The first floor has Triana's desk on the left from the entrance, also a door next to that which leads to outside where toys are set out in water and land, with some training equipment. Across from that is the incubating room for eggs, another incubating room a few meters away for newborn hatchlings, and the stairs are right from that. A very small room.

 

The second floor is basically the rooms for every dragon raiser. The third is the food, toy, drinking water, and incubator light storage.

 

Outside of that is just a field, with a forest behind that. The toys have been chewed and destroyed, so once a week a few new ones are bought. A large lake for about 20 water dragons at once, and a cliff above for sky dragons or land to try and fly. This is also where the Moon Soon Sun Ceremony is done.

 

The Village :

 

The middle of it has a round about path where the villagers have 'meetings'. A few houses are around this. A mile away is the main house for the mayor, littered with incubators and dying dragons. Each house has at least 5 eggs, and 1 dragon. Yep, the main target. It's a plain old village filled with muggets.

 

 

Time:

 

Back in the days where there were dragons and brave knights trying to defeat them. The best technology would be incubators right now.

 

 

The government doesn't care about anyone, they leave them out on the streets to make their own villages and cities. They don't care about fires, earthquakes. Nothing matters except money. Though, they have very advanced security; not sharing it with anyone as the government thinks they are the most important place in the world. The only concern is being fired from the job. But, luckily they haven't learned about the group. If they did, that'd be their whole world.

 

Money is gold coins; none gold coin is one dollar in our world. Ten is ten dollars. Like that, every gold coin is one dollar. Get it?

 

 

How Time Passes:

 

You'll have the dragon you first stole forever. It'll never leave your side. The others you raise will become one year after 5-8 pages of roleplay. I may allow one to be kept for longer, if you really want it.

Once you steal an egg, it takes a day in real life to hatch. If you are on and 8:30 PM and steal an egg, the next day you wake up in your real bed will be the time it hatches.

So; you steal an egg and wait a day for it to hatch. Once it does, your time starts to raise it. As an egg, any pages that go on will not count to how long you have it.

 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

PM me for any questions concerning the roleplay.

 

 

__________________________

 

The Storyline so far:

 

Nothing because we haven't started.

 

________________________

 

 

Edited August 31, 2011 by DragonGirl10188

[DragonGirl10188]

Ready for critic! ;3.

 

[soupnazi]

Hi! I noticed your roleplay has fallen back a bit, so I thought I'd do some critique.

 

The little, red head popped out of the egg shell, yolk rinsing from it's delicate scales.

 

The first comma is unnecessary, I think "rinsing" would sound better as "dripping" or "falling", and that apostrophe in "it's" shouldn't be there. Actually, you make this mistake throughout the roleplay; "it's" is a contraction of "it is", whereas "its" is the possessive form of "it".

 

Her hands slowly inspected it's body for any unhealthy signs, but none was here to come.

 

I honestly can't figure out what "none was here to come" means.

 

Soon he would be a gigantic dragon, as tall as 20 feet. She kissed it gently on the top of its head, making sure she wouldn't disturb it.

 

You used "he" here without explaining that the dragon is male, and then went back to using "it". Stay consistent.

 

The slender body crawled out, showing claws like an eagles talons, long legs, and a very long tail.

 

The dragon already left the egg, so what is it crawling out of?

[DragonGirl10188]

Thanks.

Quite some stupid mistakes I must admit. I'll edit it in a second.

 

EDIT: There you go.

Edited August 25, 2011 by DragonGirl10188

[soupnazi]

Good work on the editing!

 

The small hatchling waddled up to her, showing his body off; like an eagles talons, long legs, and a very long tail.

 

Remove the word "like" (with it you're saying the dragon's whole body is like an eagle's talons), and "eagles" should have an apostrophe.

 

The tail broke the shell, along with is tiny body.

 

"its", not "is".

 

She watched as it rolled onto it's back, some egg shell in its little claws.

 

"its", not "it's".

 

Soon it all changed, they whipped them until the only life left was bone.

 

The comma should be a semicolon.

 

You can become one of these, will you?

 

The comma should be a semicolon or a period.

 

An egg is lying inside, you open it silently and carry it in both arms, wrapped in a towel that was in the incubator.

 

The first comma should be a semicolon.

 

You sneak, and walk to the adress.

 

Just using "sneak" by itself doesn't really mean anything. Am I sneaking around, sneaking to somewhere, sneaking away from something? "address", not "adress".

 

She nods and writes on paper, "Your room is up in the second floor, hang a right."

 

I don't know if it's slang I'm unfamiliar with, but I don't know what "hang a right" means. Is it slang, or just a typo?

 

New pieces of dialogue need to be on new lines--your last paragraph breaks this rule.

[DragonGirl10188]

Just slang. If you say hang a right, it means to turn right around a corner or into a room.

 

Editing now.

 

EDIT: Here you go. *gives flowers* Thanks for helping.

But I'm not really sure what paragraph you mean as my last. Can you point it out?

Edited August 26, 2011 by DragonGirl10188

[soupnazi]

Oh, thank you for the flowers! They're very pretty.

 

You shake your head, stating you found it in a man's house. She nods and writes on paper, "Your room is up in the second floor, hang a right." She tells you.

"What do I do with the egg?" You put it a little in the air so she sees. You hope she wants you to give it to her, it is awfully heavy. She looks at it, "It is yours! Yours to raise. Of course you will be helping with others, but this is yours" Triana smiles, and you head to your room.

 

That's the paragraph I meant.

 

You get the story line, right? Time for the rules, and such. I'm sure you're smart enough to know whats happening.

 

You need an apostrophe in "whats".

 

She'll have an assingment for you every day.

 

That's "assignment", not "assingment".

 

Every dragon that becomes 1 year old can leave, as he/she can fend for theirself..

 

You have an extra period at the end here.

 

Personality (No TBRs please) :

 

I recommend using the full form of "TBR" for those who don't know (like me).

 

Mods, if it does get approved; my roleplay is an other one, defiantly not a DC roleplay.

 

While "defiantly" works in this sentence, I get the impression you may have meant "definitely", so I just want to point it out.

 

I'd recommend adding a description of Triana's house, since everyone's gonna be living there and knowing what's what is helpful, and I'd also add a bit of a pressing plot; while people can certainly make their own storylines, some form of guidance or a pressing threat can improve a roleplay. It's not necessary, though.

 

Also, a basic description of the world would be helpful; what currency is used? What technology is there? What is the basic government? Etc. etc.

[DragonGirl10188]

Your welcome.

 

 

 

TBR means to be roleplayed, just so you know. I'll edit that in.

 

EDIT: Edited.

 

 

Edited August 26, 2011 by DragonGirl10188

[soupnazi]

Ah, okay. That makes sense (in regards to TBR).

 

Through your deeds we have chosen you out of a small ammount of people.

 

You need to delete one of the Ms in "ammount".

 

"Ah! You must be [yourname]! Happy to meet you, I'm Triana. A mighty fine egg you got there, may I ask who is was from?"

 

"is" should be "it".

 

I am GOD. I have the ability to attack you with mini ninja marshmellows if you throw the rules away.

 

"marshmallows", not "marshmellows".

 

PG 13. Romance can be allowed, so can fighting, but keep it to a mininum.

 

"minimum", not "mininum".

 

I can and will ban you from this if neccesary. 2 warnings, then it is out.

 

"necessary", not "neccesary".

 

Scratch that, cookies in brown. Thats all.

 

You need an apostrophe in "Thats".

 

The first floor has Triana's desk on the left from the entrance, also a door next to that which leads to outside where toys are set out in water and land, with some training equitment.

 

The T in "equitment" should be a P.

 

The toys have been chewed and destroyed, so every week a few new ones are bought a week.

 

"a week" is redundant.

 

They don't care about fires, eartquakes.

 

Missing an H in "eartquakes".

 

Nothing matter except money.

 

"matter" should be plural.

 

Money is gold coins, one gold coin is one dollar in our world.

 

The comma should be a semicolon.

 

Sorry for the wopper; I finished reading through the roleplay and put it through MSWord, which found a lot of stuff I missed.

[DragonGirl10188]

Thanks. Finished them. I just hate it when people are too lazy to write out personalities :|.

 

*hands a cookie* You're helping a lot snazi.

 

Snazi: Soup, and nazi combined.

[soupnazi]

Snazi... I actually like that.

 

Okay, I'm very sorry, but two things have come to my attention; first, I'd recommend not having such large spaces between those first paragraphs (most notably the gap between the title and the first paragraph). It's a bit of a space waste, and IMO, doesn't look too great.

 

Second:

 

Every dragon that becomes 1 year old can leave, as he/she can fend for theirself.

 

I think it would be a good idea to explain how time will work in the roleplay, as at a typical roleplay's pace I think one year in-roleplay would take multiple years IRL.

 

EDIT: As a final note, would you like me to delete my critique posts when I'm done?

Edited August 27, 2011 by soupnazi

[mickiloo97]

She kissed him gently on the top of its head, making sure she wouldn't disturb it.

You use both "His", and "It". Stay consistent, I suggest changing both "Its" and "It" to "His".

 

The small hatchling waddled up to her, showing his body off; he had eagle'ss talons, long legs, a very long tail, red body, and moss green eyes.

 

You have an extra "S" on "Eagle's".

 

It was magnificent. She watched as it rolled onto its back, some egg shell in its little claws. It took bites, knowing it had to eat. She let him, smiling warmly.

Again, you use both "It" and "Him"

 

Soon it all changed; they whipped them until the only life left was bone. They starved them. Trained them by hurting their dragon.

You use "They" in the first sentence, then in the last, you use, "Their". It almost sounds like you're implying that the dragon owns another dragon.

 

No one thinks of them as friends, except one group of people.

Not sure how correct this is, but this comma could also be a semicolon or even a period. Soup, am I right?

 

They get the eggs before the owner can force them from their shell, they teach them how to hunt, live, run, everything; until they are the right age.

"Get" might sound better as "Steal" because they don't really get the eggs. ('Get' could be portrayed as a synonym for 'buy')

 

You have learnt about this group through messages concerning your deeds to the dragons of our world, and have been asked a challenge. To steal an egg.

"Learnt" should be "Learned"

 

Every dragon that becomes 1 year old can leave, as he/she can fend for theirself.

 

"Theirself" should be "Themself"

 

You are either successful in training it and caring, that is becomes wise and friendly, or fail- making it a beast.

The hyphen might look better as a comma. Soup?

 

The goverment doesn't care about anyone, they leave them out on the streets to make their own villages and cities. They don't care about fires, earthquakes. Nothing matters except money. Though, they have very advanced security; not sharing it with anyone as the goverment thinks they are the most important place in the world.

"Goverment" should be spelled, "Government".

 

 

As for the character sheets, you might want to make it a little easier to understand. It looks like it's in two parts, like two separate sheets. Maybe you could put the link outside of the form (like at the beginning or end) then code the entire form, so people know what is what.

 

 

This looks really good! Coming along well.

 

And, just out of curiosity, why wouldn't this be a DC roleplay?

[DragonGirl10188]

Hmmmm, well, for one thing you are a human.

... I'm not sure really. Just came to my mind when I was typing it that it wasn't a DC roleplay.

 

@Snazi

I've given you a new nickname, haven't I? >.<.

Sorry, it's a bad habit of mine. Pressing the enter button for spaces.... Muahahaha.

 

EDIT: Oh.. Hmm. You can decide. Though I might wanna keep it... That sounds awkward..

 

Thanks Mick. I'll edit them in a second.

Edited August 28, 2011 by DragonGirl10188

[mickiloo97]

*strokes chin* Not bad. There are still a few spots that need help.

 

It took bites, knowing it had to eat. She let him, smiling warmly.

More bad "Its."

 

The Village (Lots of Muggets live here, so it is their main target) :

In the description of the village, you say there is a lot of muggets so in the title, you should erase that. (Everything in parenthesis)

 

How Time Passes

Instead of using months to regulate time, how 'bout you use pages instead? Because if people forget about the RP, and nothing happens in a month's time, everyone's confused. But! If you make, let's say, five pages equal one RP month, it makes more sense and it's a lot easier to keep track of.

 

Egg breed; see [URL=http://dragcave.wikia.com/wiki/Which_egg_is_which%3F]Dragon Breeds[/URL] (No guardian of natures, or holidays. Rares can be your choice if you wish, or a simple common) :

You might want to take the URL out of there and put it above the coding, so people can click it instead of copying the link. Also, it won't be in their way when they're filling out the form.

 

 

That all the errors I can find. Now, you need a Mod to read through it. You might want to PM one...

[DragonGirl10188]

An approver mod or just a mod? Isn't Snazi one?

[soupnazi]

Yes, I am an approver, which is all that's necessary. Thanks for the extra critique, mickiloo97!

 

I feel kind of bad continuing with critique since I thought I was done, but there are a couple of issues that I think should be dealt with.

 

Her hands slowly inspected its body for any unhealthy signs, he was fine, and a male.

 

The first comma should be a semicolon.

 

Humans use to treat dragons like this, like wise creatures who were friendly and calm.

 

"used", not "use".

 

She looks at it, "It is yours! Yours to raise. Of course you will be helping with others, but this is yours" Triana smiles, and you head to your room.

 

First, this should be on a separate line. Second, the comma in "She looks at it," should be a period. Third, you need a period after "but this is yours".

[mickiloo97]

Yes, I am an approver, which is all that's necessary. Thanks for the extra critique, mickiloo97!

Ah. I thought you would need a mod. Guess I was wrong.

 

Its no problem at all. I like helping, but I'm just worried I'll get something wrong. I'm not a full-fledged Grammar Nazi yet.

 

By the way, I can't wait for this to be approved.

Edited August 28, 2011 by mickiloo97

[DragonGirl10188]

Thanks Mick and Snazi. Edited that; am I done?

 

P.S Mickiloo, if you have the form for the roleplay you sent me, could you PM me again? I lost it somehow.

[soupnazi]

Yepo, that's all! Approved; have fun roleplaying!

[mickiloo97]

Thanks Mick and Snazi. Edited that; am I done?

 

P.S Mickiloo, if you have the form for the roleplay you sent me, could you PM me again? I lost it somehow.

((Your welcome. Since it's accepted now, do you want me to post it instead?))

[DragonGirl10188]

(( Yep.

@Lore_Master

Read the rules. ))

Edited August 30, 2011 by DragonGirl10188

[Walker]

((Moving this to DC RPs. Not sure why it got added to other, since it has DC dragons in it.))

[DragonGirl10188]

(( Ah, KK. Thanks Walker ))

[Lore_Master]

((Edited my profile, according to the rules, sorry about that))

[mickiloo97]

((Here you go. ^^

 

Name: Tyme

Gender: Female

Age: 21

Personality: She's very caring over her dragons and strongly disagrees that they should be treated with cruelty. She has a strong hatred for people who disagree with her and isn't afraid to show it. (It usually takes three people to hold her back.) She takes well to strangers and makes friends quickly, but only her true, best friends know all her secrets.

Appearance, attach a photo or write a description:[X] She is about 5'10 and even though her body is thin, she is very strong.

History: N/A

The date of which you stole the egg: 8/27/2011 (Right?)

Other: Marshmallows are *cough*not *cough* better than cookies.

Egg breed: Horse ^^

Gender: Male

Date stolen: 8/27/11

Name, fill in after egg hatches if you wish: Aniraor (Can you tell I'm impatient?)

 

I, Tyme, hereby state that I will take care of my dragon until I die. A rightful owner will be called to ensure ownership after my death. I will train, exercise, feed, water, and care for my dragon.

 

Tyme ))