Posted June 24, 2010 Hey guys, just wondering, anyone still alive over here? No one's posted anything in a while... How's the reading going, Zovesta? Share this post Link to post
Posted June 26, 2010 Shameless Bump. Hows it going Zov? I like reading yoru reviews of others work, its reminds me to look for that stuff in my own work Share this post Link to post
Posted July 1, 2010 Sorry for the long, long, HORRIBLY long wait! ;A; I am reading these, actually... I just haven't had time since my parents have decided to drag me to the library once a week and make me get at least one book each time. So I'm juggling about five books at once, along with these. I'll post my next review up soon, ok? I'm printing them out now. I'm alone tonight, anyway, and I'm almost completely done with my books. So I can hopefully read a couple tonight and post a review. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 1, 2010 Sorry for the long, long, HORRIBLY long wait! ;A; I am reading these, actually... I just haven't had time since my parents have decided to drag me to the library once a week and make me get at least one book each time. So I'm juggling about five books at once, along with these. I'll post my next review up soon, ok? I'm printing them out now. I'm alone tonight, anyway, and I'm almost completely done with my books. So I can hopefully read a couple tonight and post a review. Is this still closed, or can I put something up? If it is still closed, then do you know of anyone else doing this type of stuff? Share this post Link to post
Posted July 2, 2010 AGHFYUINI9... I just wrote this all, but it shut it all off, so now I have to retype it. >_> I'm not in a good mood. By the way, if you guys are interesting in writing, stop by this site. It needs members. Badly. This will be closed until I finish reading most of these stories. =) And, no, I don't know anyone else who does this. So, right. Ver's story. Well, to be honest, it's very, very cliche. From what I gathered, it's about pretty elves going on heroic quests with pretty dragons. =/ It's sad because your writing style, though it could stand to use less pretty of terms and the like, was pretty decent, and I could see writing out a very good story. A lot of people like this sort of stuff, just look at all of the fantasy stories on Fiction Press and the books in the fantasy section of your library. But it lacks creativity and I didn't enjoy reading it, honestly. It felt lazy. But, onto the story itself... "His quest… his chosen quest, given a whole eight years after he had been taken aside by Anulo. There was a small sapphire hidden somewhere out here in the snow. He had to find it. And bring it back to D'issan. Alive. Mental contact was beyond him; he couldn't send telepathic messages nor receive them, for he had not yet learned the art. Beyond help, nowhere to go, lost and alone… And followed by wolves." Please tell me he knows this is a suicide mission. It's just screaming it. Well, there's a flaw right there. "Amber and yellow, brown and blue, green and red;" Is one an albino? "No! How could… he couldn't… animals can't do this…" You'd be surprised as to what animals can do. I mean, dude, did you ever read Empire of the Ants? Well, ok, ants are amazing beyond belief, but stuff. Another flaw for him. "No thought could come closer to fact." Not really, as the wolf went for his shoulder and not his throat. "He had failed. He had tried; and this had been decided as his fate. He would die in the ice." Ok, he's overly dramatic, there's another flaw... "His family would do fine without him." That's actually a good bit of info as to what the society is like. Very indifferent, they live merely to carry out missions... actually, next time you go to the library, grab Empire of the Ants. It was a great book and I think it might help you with your species here. "a toy Caele had helped their mother make" All I can see is Caele decked out in heavy armour, sewing ever so delicately. "crying into its plush golden scales." I was honestly surprised that they weren't blue when I continued reading. "You have always wanted to prove yourself to everybody, Caele - and you have, a hundred times over. The task they gave you was fruitless and vain.” Character flaw, good. But it is explained in a bit choppy of a way - telling and not showing. But I guess we already saw it, this is just confirming it. “"They wanted to be rid of you, the Authoritarians. D'issan's Council is corrupted by a strain of greed."” ... Ok, but why did they want HIM dead? >_> Was he shaming them with his plushie-making skills? “Even the wolves had gone. Three remained, silently watching;” You just contradicted yourself. Maybe turn it into something like “Even most of the wolves had gone.” “"I failed the test," he said quietly, as Fyndel rubbed his shoulders companionably. "I didn't find the sapphire…"” He just doesn’t get it, does he? “Fear stirred through him. He was afraid of the wolves…” NO REALLY. Seriously, though, this is bad telling. You should show it rather than tell it, because otherwise your readers are just going to grunt and groan. “had scored the snow” what “Rennati neared thirteen; about nine and a half in human years. At little over five feet, the girl came to her brother's shoulders, hair done in tight curls around her face falling flat down her back. A gold-brown dress rustled around her knees embroidered in silver; a tiny pendant, a metal dragon curling in on itself, hung from a chain around her neck.” INFO DUMP. “ a deep, forest green, it was thin and warm and suited his dark green clothing perfectly. He chose not to wear the customary black most wore when not in training, though Anulo insisted upon it at all other times.” ... Ok, why? Why is he the only one? Why is he is a special snowflake? “The ground stopped shaking; there was shouting outside, wails and… a roar?” Dragondragondragondragondragon... *skims ahead* Aww. “He took a moment to catch his breath and ran a hand through her hair, tousling it,” Priorities, you know. Seriously, man. Not the time. “They froze, silent - but it did not notice them.” The but makes no sense. There’s nothing contradicting it here. “There was a clang, the sound of metal striking flesh and a scream - the Cat's. It fell with a thud, head severed from its body. The screech faded.” I’m just shocked it was graceful enough to have the screech ‘fade’ when being decapitated. “golden eyes meeting silver” Silver and gold... “Murder glinted from the eyes of all three beasts. No animal, feline, prey-eater or no, should have had that look. These cats were too smart.” Have you ever seen The Ghost and the Darkness? “One leaped at Caele as Fyndel engaged another, batting at the boy's sword with paws bigger than any lion's. He stumbled back and took a swipe at his opponent's flank, determination fighting paralyzing terror.” Have any of these guys even heard of the term ‘jugular’? “His second pursuer broke off… headed towards Rennati.” The ellipse just plain sounds odd - just make it an ‘and’. “but the Cat sent it skidding away with one paw, tongue lolling in a silent feline laugh.” This is where I burst out laughing. Right, after this section, it’s basically RP-only, so I only skimmed it... “He watched as Time's beating wings faded into the white distance, disappeared into the clouds, then closed his eyes.” I was honestly imagining an old Grandfather Clock sprout wings and fly off. “Time told me not to, anyways."” Listen to the clock. “With a brief hesitation, the boy jumped to the dragon's back with Elven grace,” This guy is so arrogant. I type this with Human grace. “"I doubt you'd beat me," Saudi replied airily, flicking his tail through the air with a whistle. "I am, after all, a dragon. We dragons do not need to flaunt our prowess in simple races - competitions in hunting, however, we excel at."” Watch out, Caele - someone’s trying to out-arrogance you. ““Since Heartwoodian dragons are mostly evil - the Blacks and the Greens mainly, as well as the Reds; the Whites are neutral and the Golds good, some Silvers, but that's it. A few came through a portal on accident and met one of our Blacks."” Jeez... WE sure aren’t prejudice, are we now? “Agarwath wasn't evil," Caele said suddenly. "I don't think he was, anyway. He repented for his actions and saved our people."” Good use of a character flaw here... “Nobody would kill their own brother for the crown, not in Elven society,"” This is where my stomach started to churn. “"Dragons would," the Gold answered reluctantly, frowning. "I have known it to happen. Every race has some shadows to atone for, I think. But I have not heard of it happening often among Elves, it is true.” This is where I started to rip my hair out. What the hell, man? Why are elves always so perfect and la-di-da? Why? By doing so they make me want to bomb each and every one of them! Also, what about torture? What about the millions of horrible things the human race has done? How could the elves really be so arrogant as to think that they’re without sin? *clears throat* Right, I feel mildly better, now. For Silverwatermist’s story... Very good! I noticed it was actually... near identical to my own style. So I was able to notice mistakes to help us both improve. For example, your story lacked a well-constructed mood and was a bit of a laundry-list. Your characters also need a bit of work - they seem to be very flat so far. I could only feel for Tony. Also, the names. I kept confusing people. I think cutting a few out or changing their names so they aren’t so similar would help A LOT. Besides that, excellent job! =D “as if the sound was sweet to him.” This is something I run into ALL THE TIME when I write - try not to use “as if” too much. It gives it a cynical feel. After all, why wouldn’t the sound eb sweet ot him? “His brown eyes scanned the green canopy above him” This I just wanted to give you a plus for. Mixing in description while doing something else can be done perfectly and won’t distract you. You did a good job. =) “He was standing in a grassy clearing.” This is very bland. Using metaphors, similies, etc, they all spice up your writing and makes readers interested. “As the wind reached his face, his smile gave way to his lips parting to release a string of words.” This is just plain confusing. “until it was like the dying embers of a fire;” Brava, Silverwatermist, brava. That was a good use of a metaphor. =) “The figure let out a breath” You already established that this was a young man, so “the figure” sounds odd and chunky. “the sun-drenched afternoon” Again, good use of a metaphor, as it gives you a hot and humid feel. “There was no breeze, here.” No comma needed. “”EEEK!” came a voice from the trees.” The ‘eeek’ makes it sound odd - like I’m reading a Goosebumps. Turn it into a regular scream and it’ll be fine. Also, I noticed that around this point you relied too heavily on conversation. Don’t worry, this is a mistake I make NONSTOP. You switched from being description-heavy to conversation-heavy, and that gives it a very odd feel. Not in a good way. Try to balance the two by cutting some lines and adding more description. Oh, and something else I noticed in your writing is that you describe without having a feel. This makes it seem very bland and boring. Like, instead of saying that the old man wore a dark grey robe, write “The man, who made me never want to touch a prune again, looked like he was covered in worn rags.” “light bluish green eyes.” They’re called hazel. Every single person in my family had hazel eyes except for me. >_> “and Tony peering over her shoulder at them in surprise.” I am calling him Sir Manly Pants. >_> Good use of character description. “”OH MY GOD, Krystal. I’m so glad you’re here because I have to tell you all about my new parakeet--”” At this point I just gave a loud “aww”. This line and the next of his show a good amount of his character - he likes animals, being crafty, and is rather hyper. “”Uh-huh. Right.” Tony brushed him off. “So where’s Alysia hiding?” “Maybe she’s with Tim.” Tom suggested innocently” Tony, Tim, Tom? AAAAH! Also, a grammar error here. With the ‘maybe she’s with Tim’ bit, there should be a comma instead of a period since the conversation comes first, and you said that Tom SAID it, so... Also, as I kept reading, I just thought: Poor Tom is mentally ill. And with the huge, huge, HUGE conversation starting with “You guys know I can hear everything you’re saying, right?” ... cut down. It’s too much conversation. “her eyes bright, vibrant green.” You forgot the ‘a’. =) "and she was grinning, still." The still should be before 'grinning'. It just runs better. Also, I happen to love Sue's taste in clothing. "was the leaves' slight rustling as the wind danced past them." Love that description. "He stopped and wondered if that had been such a great idea. What if he attracted unwanted attention? What if this ended up being like a movie, where there was some crazy axe murderer back here?" Good way to show his character. Alysia and Alyssa? AH! Can you at least spell them differently so that my brain doesn't explode? Like change 'Alyssa' to 'Alisa'? "he was babysitting me" I have never known a ten year old to act as childish as she does... and to say that she needs to be babysitted. In fact, from second grade until they were thirteen, every kid I knew tried to act as mature and srsbsn as possible. "Her brain quickly chose Guns N Rosesm thus leading to another quick choice of one of her favorite songs, "Yesterdays"." Not needed. You could get by with leaving the first part, but remove the part where she switches to Yesterdays. >_> It's just filler. And remember, a good story doesn't fill itself with needless words. The goal is to make it as short, clear, and intruging as possible. Also, the fascinating tree... hmm. What was with the tree? I don't get it. ""My name is Garizole." he responded promptly. When he saw their looks of confusion, he cleared his throat. "Erm-- Gair-uh-zawl. I am the Chief Magician of the Forest, and now that you have been brought here, I will be taking on the responsibility of guiding you on your journey." There was a pause, until Riley started cracking up laughing." Actually, this is sort of stupid. The man is obviously a psycho. RUN! Don't LAUGH at him! ""it's the perfect name for you!" You forgot the capitals. ""It fits you better than Gorazule or um... well, it just fits you better than your old name! I think you should change it!"" I feel so, so, sorry for Garizole (I knew how to pronounce his name right away and I haven't forgotten it) - I know exactly how he feels. Nobody could ever pronounce or remember by name, either. Damn kids. DX ""Frost," Alysia whispered. Her blue eyes were wide, and she gazed off into space as the memory flooded her mind. "The frost. The cold wind."" This was so overly-dramatic I started giggling. ""Is anyone actually listening to this?" asked Alex sharply. "He just said magic. Listen, I know today was a damn weird day, but magic is going a little too far." "How do you want to explain it, then?" Tom asked with a serious expression. "At this point, after everything weird that happened, I'd believe it." "Yeah well, some people will believe anything." "I think he believes his own story," Tony said, indicating to Garizole." Thank you, Alex and Tony! ""I'm not a kid. I'm frikkin thirteen!"" Yer my age and I'm with Alex and Tony here. "until she realize just how clever this group was." You mean 'realized'. "and a knowledge of the mythology of the Greek heroes could have made that up."" Wait, why the Greek heroes? ""Look what you're doing to this kid," Tony snapped at Garizole. "She's freaking out because you've gotten her to believe magic is real! She thinks we're actually in danger!"" +1, Tony, +1. Ok, that's all I've done so far... I'm reading Hazardous's story. I'm only on chapter two, though. I'll have it done tomorrow. =) Share this post Link to post
Posted July 2, 2010 Zovesta, your review was fantastic, thank you so much! I appreciate the time you've taken and all of your in depth comments. One question... what did you think of the plot itself? Did you find it interesting at all? I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to upping the characterization of everyone, and making a solid, palpable mood... I guess I have to work on the flow too (what you were saying about description-heavy to conversation-heavy, and that being awkward). But I am glad that you liked what you read. And I'm glad you liked Tony as well Funny, too, that our styles are so similar. Happy that it helped though!! Share this post Link to post
Posted July 3, 2010 When I work with polite people like you, it really is a pleasure. And the story wasn't bad! It was very good, I enjoyed it, and it is interesting. Though, keep in mind, I write and read about thing that involve monsters and are either very sad or very funny. Hence why I love A. Lee Martinez's work. The first draft is never perfect. I've written my story several times now, and made so many changes that I'm on, like, my sixth draft, and it's still horrendously choppy. I'm just going to rewrite it. Tony reminds me of the only people who would give me the time of day in school. >_> Plus, he's making sense. I agree! ^^ Share this post Link to post
Posted July 3, 2010 Ok.Can I be the first to be read whenever you get finished with that person.Just because I asked before it happened? Share this post Link to post
Posted July 3, 2010 It's closed until I get to Vox. </3 It seems I'm always the last one to be done before requests opne - what with here and with ches' thread. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 3, 2010 Vox: I'm doing them by order of the list - first come, first serve. So, yeah, you'll be in order. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 3, 2010 (edited) Thanks Zovesta! And I had to double-check after you said it to make sure I'm not losing it, but... I hear people say that hazel-colored eyes are "blue-green". This... actually is not true! My family says my grandmother's eyes are hazel all the time, cuz they're bluish green, but that's actually not what hazel means Hazel is like a light yellowish brown. Here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_color#Hazel I really do hear people say that all the time and I'm like, "...wait. But... huh?! WHICH IS IT?!" So confusing, cuz light brown and bluish green are two totally different things. Though other sites are saying that in the US, "hazel" can refer to eyes that seem to change color. I think that's weird how the same term is used for two totally different things, but.. yeah :/ I think for clarity's sake, I'm going to keep it the way it is. Unless for more evidence of eye color terms surfaces! *insert non-existent smiley of a detective* Edited July 3, 2010 by Silverwatermist Share this post Link to post
Posted July 3, 2010 Oh, no. Hazel is basically used for both. It refers to any eye that is mainly light/greyish, but can be tinted at brown/blue-green. As for the eye-changing bit? True, true. My sister's eyes will be green one moment, blue the next, and then grey the next. Fair enough. ^^ Share this post Link to post
Posted July 3, 2010 (edited) Thanks Zovesta! And I had to double-check after you said it to make sure I'm not losing it, but... I hear people say that hazel-colored eyes are "blue-green". This... actually is not true! My family says my grandmother's eyes are hazel all the time, cuz they're bluish green, but that's actually not what hazel means Hazel is like a light yellowish brown. Here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_color#Hazel I really do hear people say that all the time and I'm like, "...wait. But... huh?! WHICH IS IT?!" So confusing, cuz light brown and bluish green are two totally different things. Though other sites are saying that in the US, "hazel" can refer to eyes that seem to change color. I think that's weird how the same term is used for two totally different things, but.. yeah :/ I think for clarity's sake, I'm going to keep it the way it is. Unless for more evidence of eye color terms surfaces! *insert non-existent smiley of a detective* Hazel's a tricky one; I'd say you had the general right of it in using a term to describe blue-green eyes if they didn't have enough of a color mix to cause that 'eye color' change as the pupil widens and narrows that most people associate to a kind of hazel. If they do have that distinction, they generally refer to it as 'hazel blue' or 'hazel green' (whichever eye color is predominant in 'standard' lighting) rather than plain hazel, which describes a plain light brown/yellowish hue in most US regions, at least. It's not official terminology but I've run into it all up and down the East Coast of the and as far to the middle states as North Dakota for general usage. Edited July 3, 2010 by Kyrieath Share this post Link to post
Posted July 3, 2010 My eyes are hazel most of the time, but they can also be blue OR green depending on my mood. It's actually really cool. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 3, 2010 Putting in my two cents- my eyes are hazel, a mix of green and brown. n _n Aaand...OHSWEETI'MNEXT 8D There are some errors that someone else pointed out to me on a separate thread, so I'm going to attempt to change those now. >> Most of them are spelling/mechanic errors. x3 Share this post Link to post
Posted July 6, 2010 Sorry, what with my parents getting a sort of vacation from work and being late with my comic and finishing up sprites so I can quit dragcave, I've been sorta busy... >_> I'm a little past Chapter Three, though, so far. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 7, 2010 Wait, why are you quitting? D: -clings- And that's okay. :3 I shall reign my excitement in a little bit and shower you in affection. -showers- Share this post Link to post
Posted July 8, 2010 just so ya know, hazardousforce, i couldn't resist high-fiving back. Also, you're awesome! Share this post Link to post
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