Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) Dr. Paine: Well, well, well. I finished "She's Pissed" and I really can't say much. I know, I know, I'm a disappointment to the human race, but I really can't say much. It was good. well-written. Though I'm the sort that prefers a wide range of emotions, I still like it. I've never played Portal, honestly... just sort of watched my sister play some, read her fanfic of it, and heard of it. ; But as for your main fanfic... Very nice. Reads well. I think it flows a little bit too chunkily, though. It's sort of... jerky. It's hard to explain. I would suggest padding it out a little bit more and leaving more space between the interruptions. I did find a few errors I'd like to bring to your attention, though. Because, as I've said, I haven't played Portal, this was all very confusing for me. So I might not be the best reviewer. Springs: unmistakable- faint as it was- antiseptic This is actually pretty stupid of me, but is that how you use the hyphens? I thought it was 'Susie said - with a slight trace of bitterness - to Tom'. I'm not that superb at grammar, though. =V and someone- thing- spoke. Sounds odd. Would sound better if it was "and someone - or, something - spoke." As it is, it just sort of flows like "Ah, yes, good chap, and someone - THING! - spoke." She'd known for what, nearly six months now? Had it been that long? what these were supposed to do, ever since one of the higher ups in her workplace had mentioned them and the call for volunteers. Er... confusing. Why wasn't the 'w' in 'what' capitalized at the beginning of the final sentence? The computerized voice continued, but the words were lost to Chell as she tried to get herself back up. The pain in her legs had dulled- it hadn't gone away, but it was bearable- but was now accompanied by a throbbing ache in her head from where she collapsed. She couldn't think straight, couldn't be sure if she was imagining the person beside her or not, of what the disembodied voice was saying. She felt... giddy, almost, like an adrenaline rush that was beginning to fade. Whatever it was would have to be figured out later, she decided once she had recovered her wits and checked to see how badly damaged she was. Own suggestion for this (you certainly don't need to take it!), just in case if you wanted to go into the emotions more. I've actually gone through this sort of feeling. You feel like you aren't even in your body - like you're right outside of it instead. Just really fuzzy. was. she set She should have been capitalized. God she was tired. There should be a comma after God. And it wasn't as if the deaths had been meaningless- if they wanted to stop her proving she could do anything she desired, they would have taken her defense mechanisms away, rather than slap some shoddy- yet regrettably, occasionally effective- 'upgrade' onto her. A bit too long, honestly, but that's nothing major. If you don't think you can crop it with ease, just leave it. I just think it's nice to point out sentences that some might think are too long. Personalities: She had worked on the the G.L.a.D.O.S. project, was in fact the leader in programming and making it 'arguably alive'. Should be an 'and' before 'was', and there doesn't need to be a comma. Words: Much more fun than just jumping into a bunch of pits. Much more painful, too. Maybe, this is just my own opinion, feel free to reject it, you could add "Much more painful, too, Chell reminded herself as she took a breath that hurt her entire body"? Or something along those lines? I just think it would add a nicer feel to it. The door opened, and she instinctively ducked behind the wall as something began to shoot at her, the sound of breaking glass filling the hall, trembling in fear and expecting to see herself bleeding when she finally had the courage to open her eyes. It should be cut in two sentences, ending at 'hall'. Otherwise itjust stretches on needlessly and makes a sort of ugly read. (There's also a double-enter after this, which stands out oddly. Everything else has only one enter) oh of course there was another one. Should be "Oh, of course there was another one." She was so focused on avoiding the sentry ahead, she didn't notice the one at the opposite end of the hall until she felt the pellet dig its way into her arm. The pain was only made worse by her leaping to the side and hitting a wall, but at least she was out of firing range. No time to figure out how to get the pellet out, she had to concentrate... these sentries were on metal, of course, anything else would be too easy. The ceiling looked receptive though, but how could she shut them down without the other blowing her to bits... --- She removed one of the cubes that had been wedged into an open wall panel, and as she reached for the second, something caught her eye. Something was... was that writing in there? She crawled inside and up to the wall, trying to make sense of the scrawl. Odd cut much? o_o; So... what happened to her? Through the Fire: Simple, this one- a couple tries and the pellet was in the receiver, and she had jumped onto the platform. Huh? All about placement, this, and knowing when to duck. I think Chell's been infected with Yoda-speak. 'Cute. I guess. What the hell's that smell?' I think she'd really be too hungry to think "cute". More like "AAH FOOD *tries to eat poster*" the stink of burned flesh and cloth There's actually nothing wrong with this at all - I just wanted to say that I've been there. Burned flesh (or at least skin) STINKS. LIKE GRILLED PORK. D| Cake. Cake mentioned in chamber fifteen. Where she... well, for lack of a better word, flew. Flung? There was another ledge, high on the other side of the room, and the wall on this side looked high enough. This is all very abrupt and confusing... Running through the twisted, dirty back area squashed any remaining hope of that- a little exploring led her to a small hall, and she couldn't resist a peek into the rooms she could open. Rather than a hypen, a period would have been more appropriate. She dived under a nearby desk as she heard something launch, moments later there was an almighty crash. Should be an 'and' before 'moments' and there doesn't need to be a comma. Getting to the floor above was yet another simple flinging trick, she might have enjoyed it if her life wasn't dependent on it. And again, there should be an 'and' with no comma. Relaxation: "Chos- what the hell do you mean, 'chose'?!" That seems a bit impossible to say, as you don't really pronounce the 'e'. Maybe 'cho' would work better. And who in this place would know better? She'd watched them, jerking about for minutes, while the gas filled their lungs and shut down their fragile bodies. Watched herself collapse, struggling for a clean breath of air... I'm not sure who's talking here, or what's going on. It's very confusing. 'Oh, aside from lying and trying to kill me all day, nothing I guess!' Chell thought, resisting the urge to say it out loud- the less of this stuff she breathed in, the better. This only took a DAY?! My god! I thought this went for, like, a week, about! "Oh hey! You're the lady from the test. Hi!" "The difference between us is that I can feel pain." "I sincerely hope you do," So... first turret, then turret again, then Chell? Huh? Who is that middle person? "That thing you burned up wasn't important to me. It was the fluid catylitic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans." ---- "Nice job breaking it, hero." Why is there an interrupter in the middle there? Elaine: "I don't know what the I was doing with that third one Huh? The designers took that to heart, not many people could see the faint resemblance to a woman in the metal and wires. Should be a 'but' before 'not. "It was 1996, when we finished the main system. No need for a comma. "We continued work on the heel springs, then... and portals. Little bit of confusing wording. you find something else? To focus on.' Should be "you find something else to focus on?" Old Habits: What happened to Wheatley? D: Well, I've read all nine chapters. o3o In general, it was good, but a little too fast paced and confusing. Even for those of us who have played Portal. Like how she was saying that she missed the Device, then she heard a portal, then her hand hurt, and then... she fired? Woah wait, when did she pick up the Device? TitiMiny: I suppose... *turns rabid and wolfs down platter of cookies then glomps TitiMiny* Thanks. About your story... well, I found a lot of grammar errors. I suggest brushing up on your grammar and revising your story. For example, "Uh oh!" honestly sounds very unprofessional when it's not in someone's speech. Even then it's a little cheesy. And when you are having someone speak, these are the ways you can do it: "Lovely day," said Bob. Bob said, "Lovely day." Bob smiled. "Lovely day." (don't use this one too much - like once or twice in a chapter) "Lovely day." Bob smiled. "Oh, Alice," said Bob. "Lovely day, today!" You get it. Also, you might want to work on your characters. Make them a little more believable. And pad out your story - right now it's just some bones. It needs muscle and flesh and skin and organs and... you get it. DX Sounds, tastes, smells, thoughts, noises, touch... put those into your story. Here are a few problems I found in the beginning. A children's voice was resonating through the air I'm not sure, but I think 'resonating' can't be used like that. Not sure, though. o3o making some head turn You mean 'heads'. All he remembers is that his name is Valen and that he woke up in that same place. You switched tenses there. Silverwatermist: I got your email. I'm afraid I'mm have to read it only after Ver's, though, as she's been waiting for too long. DX Edited May 14, 2010 by Zovesta Share this post Link to post
Posted May 14, 2010 Dr. Paine: Well, well, well. I finished "She's Pissed" and I really can't say much. I know, I know, I'm a disappointment to the human race, but I really can't say much. It was good. well-written. Though I'm the sort that prefers a wide range of emotions, I still like it. I've never played Portal, honestly... just sort of watched my sister play some, read her fanfic of it, and heard of it. ; But as for your main fanfic... Very nice. Reads well. I think it flows a little bit too chunkily, though. It's sort of... jerky. It's hard to explain. I would suggest padding it out a little bit more and leaving more space between the interruptions. I did find a few errors I'd like to bring to your attention, though. Because, as I've said, I haven't played Portal, this was all very confusing for me. So I might not be the best reviewer. Springs: unmistakable- faint as it was- antiseptic This is actually pretty stupid of me, but is that how you use the hyphens? I thought it was 'Susie said - with a slight trace of bitterness - to Tom'. I'm not that superb at grammar, though. =V and someone- thing- spoke. Sounds odd. Would sound better if it was "and someone - or, something - spoke." As it is, it just sort of flows like "Ah, yes, good chap, and someone - THING! - spoke." She'd known for what, nearly six months now? Had it been that long? what these were supposed to do, ever since one of the higher ups in her workplace had mentioned them and the call for volunteers. Er... confusing. Why wasn't the 'w' in 'what' capitalized at the beginning of the final sentence? The computerized voice continued, but the words were lost to Chell as she tried to get herself back up. The pain in her legs had dulled- it hadn't gone away, but it was bearable- but was now accompanied by a throbbing ache in her head from where she collapsed. She couldn't think straight, couldn't be sure if she was imagining the person beside her or not, of what the disembodied voice was saying. She felt... giddy, almost, like an adrenaline rush that was beginning to fade. Whatever it was would have to be figured out later, she decided once she had recovered her wits and checked to see how badly damaged she was. Own suggestion for this (you certainly don't need to take it!), just in case if you wanted to go into the emotions more. I've actually gone through this sort of feeling. You feel like you aren't even in your body - like you're right outside of it instead. Just really fuzzy. was. she set She should have been capitalized. God she was tired. There should be a comma after God. And it wasn't as if the deaths had been meaningless- if they wanted to stop her proving she could do anything she desired, they would have taken her defense mechanisms away, rather than slap some shoddy- yet regrettably, occasionally effective- 'upgrade' onto her. A bit too long, honestly, but that's nothing major. If you don't think you can crop it with ease, just leave it. I just think it's nice to point out sentences that some might think are too long. Personalities: She had worked on the the G.L.a.D.O.S. project, was in fact the leader in programming and making it 'arguably alive'. Should be an 'and' before 'was', and there doesn't need to be a comma. Words: Much more fun than just jumping into a bunch of pits. Much more painful, too. Maybe, this is just my own opinion, feel free to reject it, you could add "Much more painful, too, Chell reminded herself as she took a breath that hurt her entire body"? Or something along those lines? I just think it would add a nicer feel to it. The door opened, and she instinctively ducked behind the wall as something began to shoot at her, the sound of breaking glass filling the hall, trembling in fear and expecting to see herself bleeding when she finally had the courage to open her eyes. It should be cut in two sentences, ending at 'hall'. Otherwise itjust stretches on needlessly and makes a sort of ugly read. (There's also a double-enter after this, which stands out oddly. Everything else has only one enter) oh of course there was another one. Should be "Oh, of course there was another one." She was so focused on avoiding the sentry ahead, she didn't notice the one at the opposite end of the hall until she felt the pellet dig its way into her arm. The pain was only made worse by her leaping to the side and hitting a wall, but at least she was out of firing range. No time to figure out how to get the pellet out, she had to concentrate... these sentries were on metal, of course, anything else would be too easy. The ceiling looked receptive though, but how could she shut them down without the other blowing her to bits... --- She removed one of the cubes that had been wedged into an open wall panel, and as she reached for the second, something caught her eye. Something was... was that writing in there? She crawled inside and up to the wall, trying to make sense of the scrawl. Odd cut much? o_o; So... what happened to her? Through the Fire: Simple, this one- a couple tries and the pellet was in the receiver, and she had jumped onto the platform. Huh? All about placement, this, and knowing when to duck. I think Chell's been infected with Yoda-speak. 'Cute. I guess. What the hell's that smell?' I think she'd really be too hungry to think "cute". More like "AAH FOOD *tries to eat poster*" the stink of burned flesh and cloth There's actually nothing wrong with this at all - I just wanted to say that I've been there. Burned flesh (or at least skin) STINKS. LIKE GRILLED PORK. D| Cake. Cake mentioned in chamber fifteen. Where she... well, for lack of a better word, flew. Flung? There was another ledge, high on the other side of the room, and the wall on this side looked high enough. This is all very abrupt and confusing... Running through the twisted, dirty back area squashed any remaining hope of that- a little exploring led her to a small hall, and she couldn't resist a peek into the rooms she could open. Rather than a hypen, a period would have been more appropriate. She dived under a nearby desk as she heard something launch, moments later there was an almighty crash. Should be an 'and' before 'moments' and there doesn't need to be a comma. Getting to the floor above was yet another simple flinging trick, she might have enjoyed it if her life wasn't dependent on it. And again, there should be an 'and' with no comma. Relaxation: "Chos- what the hell do you mean, 'chose'?!" That seems a bit impossible to say, as you don't really pronounce the 'e'. Maybe 'cho' would work better. And who in this place would know better? She'd watched them, jerking about for minutes, while the gas filled their lungs and shut down their fragile bodies. Watched herself collapse, struggling for a clean breath of air... I'm not sure who's talking here, or what's going on. It's very confusing. 'Oh, aside from lying and trying to kill me all day, nothing I guess!' Chell thought, resisting the urge to say it out loud- the less of this stuff she breathed in, the better. This only took a DAY?! My god! I thought this went for, like, a week, about! "Oh hey! You're the lady from the test. Hi!" "The difference between us is that I can feel pain." "I sincerely hope you do," So... first turret, then turret again, then Chell? Huh? Who is that middle person? "That thing you burned up wasn't important to me. It was the fluid catylitic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans." ---- "Nice job breaking it, hero." Why is there an interrupter in the middle there? Elaine: "I don't know what the I was doing with that third one Huh? The designers took that to heart, not many people could see the faint resemblance to a woman in the metal and wires. Should be a 'but' before 'not. "It was 1996, when we finished the main system. No need for a comma. "We continued work on the heel springs, then... and portals. Little bit of confusing wording. you find something else? To focus on.' Should be "you find something else to focus on?" Old Habits: What happened to Wheatley? D: Well, I've read all nine chapters. o3o In general, it was good, but a little too fast paced and confusing. Even for those of us who have played Portal. Like how she was saying that she missed the Device, then she heard a portal, then her hand hurt, and then... she fired? Woah wait, when did she pick up the Device? Alright, thanks for the read Some of these will be taken into account (I'm doing minor re-writes all the time), some just need some explanation. Part of it stems from the nature of Portal itself, there's just a very clear cut and no frills sense to it, part of it's just my writing. Springs: As far as I know, it's correct, but I might change it to commas. The what thing is actually correct, if you're continuing a train of thought that was interrupted by a question. Again, I think I will change it x3 The thing when she fell, thanks for that x3 The closest I've had was falling down a flight of stairs, but that kinda... kinda caused me to be dead for a few seconds, so I can't remember a thing ._. Personalities is actually in the process of being <i>completely</i> re-written, the one as it is was was rushed for a contest :K Words: Tried that, actually. Several things like it, they all just seemed extremely awkward. ... then again I was hideously sleep deprived... The cut was because there really wasn't much else to say there, and I don't believe in artificial padding x3 TtF: Hey, that puzzle is near impossible to describe x3 But it was one that needed to be mentioned. Even if she was on the verge of death, I think Chell would be sane enough to not leap off of a moving platform to try eating an obvious drawing. Intentional abruptness is intentional Would you be thinking in perfect clarity? ----- Relaxation: Alright GLaDOS does the italics speak I chalk this up to just not knowing the game. Nope. Portal takes place in... less than a day, even. Just a few hours. Again, lack of knowledge of the game In order: Curiosity node, GLaDOS, Chell. Break is because it goes back to Chell's view. ---------- Elaine: Talking to herself, at that point she was just rambling. Context clues (I had hoped, anyway) would indicate she was talking about another core x3 I'm surprised I never caught that. No comment for the next two. Not changing, since that is the poor man's attempt at mimicking the G-Man's speech pattern, and it is grammatical HELL. ----------------- Old Habits: He got left behind x3 ---------------- That little bit is, again, due to the nature of the chapter. It was first person, and they were pretty racing thoughts. She picked up the device when she said her hand hurt, she was trying to reconfirm her hand to holding it x3 (Going on a re-read though, I have immediately corrected a redundancy in that sentence that could cause confusion.) A lot of this fic is experimentation in writing styles, so there will be issues along the way Thank you for the read, I'll keep these in mind and re-work ^^ Share this post Link to post
Posted May 14, 2010 Oh that's fine, don't worry about it I know you've got a queue of lovely people waiting to have their things read, so by all means. Just let me know when you're ready to start it so I have an idea of around when I'll be getting feedback. Share this post Link to post
Posted May 14, 2010 Well like i said! i am not english i understand what you mean though. The reason it did not describe much,is that like i said it's his past, since he is really old in the present( Like now ) 8880 years is like...maybe a bit too long to describe every detail. Also yes, i should describe him more...because some people might imagine him as a cat! (LOL. Yes. Someone though he was a cat, since i said DEMON CAT. Actually just think of a human without human ears, two cat ears on his head and one tail. Two actually but bleh D:. But yes. I shall describe moar.) Im good at french grammar but english grammar ;_; Cries. I'll work it up then! Thanks for doing this Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 Author: Hazardous Force Title: Shapelings Genre: Sci-Fi, slight romance. :3 Description: There are two types of humans in the world- Pure humans and shapelings. Pure humans are regular humans, just like you and me, while shapelings carry a unique genetic code. This code allows them to evolve into a certain breed of wild animal at the reaction of chemicals in the blood and saliva. One group of pure humans, called the Saviors, are bent on destroying all shapelings but also preforming scientific experiments on them, for reasons yet unknown! Randi, the main character, is a hard-core hard-headed junior at the special "high school" that the shapeling community created in order to train the generations for battle and the real world. This is her experience with her life as a naturally-mutated adolescent, and the hard ships she endures to fight the Saviors. (Eh, sorry, too long?) Rating: PG-13/15+. Violence, swearing, and ideological differences. (Randi is a lesbian.) What you want me to look out for: Bad writing in general. D: I'm looking to improve the quality and keep the reader more interested, because I think I'm failing at that. Mechanic help would be nice, too. :3 Length: UMUMUM, how do I do this? . _. Just tell me and I'll do it myself... Link: http://forums.dragcave.net/index.php?showtopic=90644&hl= Notes: I have overall nine chapters, but only four are posted right now because I'm currently going through and revising all of the chapters. And yes, to stop further confusion (although I'm pretty sure I made it clear) Randi is indeed, a female. She's just gay and rather... boisterous. x3 Also, I'm pretty sure she's a Mary Sue character if not dangerously close, but her personality really fits what I'm trying to insinuate with the bad-assness of the shapelings. x3 Teehee~ Oh ya, you need a DA account in order to read it. :|P Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 Ohmy. I didn't realize they were that long. I sorryyy! I'm prolific. |DDD /shot Can't wait to hear your thoughts on them. c: Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 I'm right after the part where Vilki died. Took me, like, two hours to ger there. >_>; Sorry it's taking so long, and that's ok. Silver: I'll be sure to. TitiMiny: So he'd a cat-boy? D| How is he part demon, then...? But, well, if it's just a memory and you don't want to bother with description, then just put it in dialogue and make it more of a casual way of talking. And then he'd just be remembering it. But, don't worry, English grammar is horribly confusing. >_<; Hazardous: Sure. Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 How i'd explain. Demons in my story are like, different breeds( A bit like dragons on dc LOL, okay maybe not). How is he demon is because he has, magical powers =x and has the strenght of one (Of course. He's not invincible and such. Not heading for an unkillable char) If i wrote the whole story it would make more sense X3 i'll get to the point of the story which explains it more precisely D: Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 I dunno, I think it would be best to make a whole new breed rather than just slap 'demon' on it without giving it any of the bad traits. Demon doesn't equal strength and magical powers. D| Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) Author: Cheshire Title: Untitled at the moment. Perhaps 'Rebellion' or something like that? Genre: Fantasy/Action/Epic/Romance sort of thang. D: Description: It's about Dragons, but of my own little brain-child idea, no DC dragons here. The current world of the Dragons, Erethlea, is being ruled over by the King, your typical dominating/evil kind of dragon. An egg snatched at birth has grown up in his kingdom as a solider and risen through the ranks to one of the commanders in his army. But, he begins to discover who and just what he is, and who he really is inside. Rebellion ensues. It doesn't sound very original from this, but I promise you, it's not your old "hey my name is magical angel heart and im a pure white dragon whos actually a secret warrior flamethrower princess destined to save the world kthnxbye". The Dragon is NOT part of a secret super-magical prophecy and is is no way royal. Just but-kicking. Rating: I'd say PG-13-There will be some fairly graphic scenes, some complex emotions etc., some swearing in a Dragon-y way, and the style of writing is very much aimed at slightly more mature readers. What you want me to look out for: I'm not sure if there's anything particular-Mostly any storyline issues, anything really sticking out to you. Length: 1103 currently, in the Prologue. Link: http://forums.dragcave.net/index.php?showtopic=91937 Notes: Hurhurhur. Edited May 15, 2010 by Cheshire Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 Sure, Cheshire. Ver: Well, I'm done with your second story (the one about Jeyk) and I thought it was nice. Just not really me thing - not into anthros. More into critters. o3o Ah, well. Anyway, I would advise trying to steer your characters away from Mary-Sue-ness. These guys... are demon/dragons. Couldn't they be ugly? What's wrong with ugly? It makes for a better character. I did find a few mistakes, just plain confusing parts, or parts I thought were funny that I decided to comment on (see below), but in general you have a pretty good writing style. I would suggest plotting out a general storyline, though, as a skeleton, then going along it. Because as it is right now, it is pretty jerky, one major event to the other, like you have no wait. Padding it out, adding in more of the character's life when someone isn't being tortured/killed. I'm confused at one part, though. Martyr said he was going to play a trick on his brother and his lover at the beginning. And then she was lost, and then the brother and her got captured. Then she died and he got badly wounded. ... Yeah, was that intentional? If so, I'd like you to touch upon it a little. Could a bit of foreshadowing at the beginning happen? Something that leads to the end more? Not even something huge - maybe just a note that the brother likes to read and was about to read about phoenix's and their tears when he was interrupted be something? It would be a nice continuity nod. blade extending in a curve much like its tail. Intricate green scales covered the blade side of the blade. Blade side of the blade...? o_o A pause. |Well that's a bit different. Why didn't you say so when you first blasted my ears out?| He blasted his ears out? I don't remember that. Martyr not trying to contact him again showed him that the anthro knew what was on his mind. Try 'Martyr, not trying to contact him again, showed him that the anthro knew what was on his mind.' He ran forward, disregarding his injuries to shout at the thing that had the one he loved, scarlet eyes filled with a fear too deep to describe. I bet I knew what he was saying, too. "HEY. *BAG. PUT HER DOWN." Jekt smiled in return, eyes remaining untouched by the expression. It faded after only a moment. "Tell me what happened the first time," he murmured, letting his gaze wander to the valley below. "Tell me why he did this." Martyr sighed, leaning up against the canyon wall. He tilted his head to look into the sky and closed his eyes, drawing up the memories. Jekt waited patiently; there was nothing else to do. I think you should put in a brief note as to why his brother had never told him before and to why he thinks he should tell him now. :B "It started like this," the anthro said slowly, eyes half-opening to slits of crimson. "He lost control of his powers one night in some sorta fit; in the morning, he found he'd Triggered. Blades everywhere, through everything. Mother was caught in the worst." His voice turned savage. "She was still alive when I got there. Xenion wasn't doing anything - he just stared at her like she was some zoo animal in a menagerie. He didn't try to save her or nothin'. She told him she loved him… and died." Blades? Was this some sort of war or army or something? "My mother was just killed," Jekt growled bitterly. "I don't know who did it, but I plan to find out. Not go with a dragon I don't even know, let alone one that's filled my head with only riddles." I wouldn't say riddles. o3o What is smaller than zero, always in nothing, and never in all? -shot- His smile faded slightly, became more serious. "That boy is you, Jekt," he said gently, seeing uncertainty flicker in the half-demon's eyes. "You must forget your past until it is time to remember, release those who hold bonds to you. Break the ties of this life and embrace your destiny; they will need you no longer." I'm just sort of shocked that he'd come right out and say it. Then, with a glance at the village - whose inhabitants were seemingly oblivious to the towering dragon outside their gates. Grammar error. The hyphen is being used as a sort of addition, like parentheses, so it's incorrect. You're saying "Then, with a glance at the village.". Even with the added part, it makes no sense. He felt his brother begin to stir, as if some connection had opened during the God's conversation; then it flickered and the feeling died. This should be the start of a new paragraph. a circular chamber smoothed to gemlike quality I just keep getting this image of Zacyn with sandpaper and muttering to himself as he smoothes the walls. For years and years. As Jekt had watched, a whole other room molded itself out of the far empty wall, and when he entered, he was barely surprised to see it was already furnished. There went my theory. D: Martyr looked for him after that day; for three years he walked the world, seeking his younger sibling in vain. I think you should put an interrupter (---) in there. Otherwise it's like "do-be-do, off into the room, oh, now it's Martyr, and - WHAT" For another year, Martyr grieved silently; he left to join the Albronellion military in the year 681. Weren't we LOOONG past 681? Or is my mind out to lunch again? It led him farther into insanity until whatever trace left of what Jekt had known was buried beneath layers of driven rage. You mean 'Xenion'. And inside, Jekt stood, forgotten by all. He's inside the tombstone?! Woah! Did not catch that! And suddenly, Zacyn's roar filled the gemstone chamber, made cracks race up the walls. Another odd sentence. Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 Thanks TDTC. ;D The plot is pretty much under works, and the basic storyline is odd, in it's own little way. The prologue doesn't give too much background to the story, thought it identifies two or three of the main characters. Can't wait to see the review. <3 Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) Thanks so much for this Zovesta! *bows* Author: Kaala Title: Beta Genre: Sci-Fi Description: 300 years in the future, cloning children at birth for organs is the norm. When a scientist realises that the system is wrong, he steals 'Beta' (clone) children from the nursery and puts them in 'Alpha' adoption homes. Fast forward twenty years in the future, and John Doe (yes, name will change) is kidnapped by a strange man. He wakes up, restrained on a hospital bed. A sympathetic doctor tells him that he is one of the lost Beta children, and his Alpha needs his heart. John is kept in an enclosed city of oblivious Betas until the Ethics in Medicine Committee decide his fate. He must convince the Beta, Ruby of the truth and escape before the committee decides that his Alpha must come first. (I suck at writing these things) Rating: Adult fiction. I don't think there's anything in it to be worried about...yet What you want me to look out for: Basically, ignore the spelling/grammar issues, its still a draft and I know they're there. Style, and just how enjoyable the story is really. Also, how confusing is everything? Just because it makes sense to me... Length: exactly? 8,684 Link: I don't have a dA, can I send it as an email attachment instead? Notes: Its still in draft stage, and only say, the first 5-6 chapters. So don't expect brilliance Haha: this is the part where I freak out and want my precious back...nerves, they shall kill me one day Edited May 15, 2010 by Kaala Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) Kaala: Sure, go ahead and send it. It sounds really fun. Very unique. And, you're welcome. Cheshire: Alrighty. I added a waiting list to the first page so you guize know how much I have to read. Ver's first story is 12k words long, and about 21 pages. o3o So I'll have it read by tomorrow. Everything else I should be able to breeze through. Thanks for the reading material, guys! I hope I'm a good enough service. Oh, and just a note: I don't dislike long stuff. It just takes me longer to read it. So if you are asking me to read something that extends past 5k, it might take a while for me to finish and review it completely. Anything under should be done the day you send it, unless something 5k+ is in the waiting list or there are some RL problems. Keep in mind that this is all just one person. I've got a life... DX; Edited May 15, 2010 by Zovesta Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 Thanks for all the reading you've been doing. Great service! My chapters should be easy for you, they are small and it takes me ages to write. But you're doing a really good job! Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) Author: Cyhirae (FF.net) Title: Ruins of me Genre: Fanfic; Urban Fantasy Description: Hetalia fanfic; serious rather than silly, however. Ivan, the incarnation of Russia, abruptly invites Gilbert, the incarnation of the now-vanished Prussia, to come see Kaliningrad (formerly the heart of Prussia, Königsberg) for himself. Wary of Ivan but longing to see his home again, Gilbert agrees. Naturally Ivan has some other reason up his sleeve for the 'generous' offer and the timing of it. (Not a shipping fic, I swear. I hate writing romance.) Rating: I put it as M (Mature) on FF.net due to Gilbert having a foul mouth and some racist remarks. What you want me to look out for: General readability and stylings; I was experimenting with stream of consciousness in the second chapter. It's the first time I've ever used that style and I'm concerned it may be a bit too hard to follow. Length: 5,301 (some of these are author/translation notes) Link: Ruins of Me Notes: This fic was based on exploring the possibility of what happens to such an avatar if the controlling culture of their originating land was completely replaced (in this case- Russian replacing Prussian) and then have their tie renewed while they were trying to cling to their original incarnation. It also takes a spin off of Gilbert's own past in which he had adopted a wandering, fading avatar and made the boy into his little brother, Ludwig/West (who then grew up to become the avatar of Germany), but who has no memory of his life before Gilbert found him as an apparent result. Though the fic is technically broken into three chapters, they're not very long ones- the only reason for the break up was to allow for the shift between styles in the second chapter. Thank you if you choose to read it! Edited May 15, 2010 by Kyrieath Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) Author: Cybele/Jantsu18 (DA) Title: Bloody Business Genre: Fantasy Description: "In which Darren faces the prospect of being shot and eaten." Rating: PG-13 I think What you want me to look out for: Mary-Sues or the main character in general and whether or not the story reads smoothly. Length: 3947 words Link: link Thank you Edited May 15, 2010 by Cybele Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) I think you've got loads to be getting on with, Zovesta. But if you've got the time, can you lookie over the start of my chapter 2 please? It's only *checks word count* about 350 words long. But if you'd rather wait, I should finish it by tomorrow, or maybe later today. Thankies. Edited May 15, 2010 by StormofNight Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 -claps- ^^ Thanks Zov! I can't wait to hear what you've got to say. :3 Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 Ver: Well, I'm done with your second story (the one about Jeyk) and I thought it was nice. Just not really me thing - not into anthros. More into critters. o3o Ah, well. Anyway, I would advise trying to steer your characters away from Mary-Sue-ness. These guys... are demon/dragons. Couldn't they be ugly? What's wrong with ugly? It makes for a better character. Lol, I'd make Martyr (Baah keep wanting to call him Slain |D that's his taken name now) ugly, but he'd stab me. x33 That and the kensei demons of BTACD aren't really ugly. o: Though now you have me wanting to make a Hikui or Chi'oni demon. owo; /gets sketchpad- I did find a few mistakes, just plain confusing parts, or parts I thought were funny that I decided to comment on (see below), but in general you have a pretty good writing style. I would suggest plotting out a general storyline, though, as a skeleton, then going along it. Because as it is right now, it is pretty jerky, one major event to the other, like you have no wait. Padding it out, adding in more of the character's life when someone isn't being tortured/killed. I'm confused at one part, though. Martyr said he was going to play a trick on his brother and his lover at the beginning. And then she was lost, and then the brother and her got captured. Then she died and he got badly wounded. ... Yeah, was that intentional? If so, I'd like you to touch upon it a little. Could a bit of foreshadowing at the beginning happen? Something that leads to the end more? Not even something huge - maybe just a note that the brother likes to read and was about to read about phoenix's and their tears when he was interrupted be something? It would be a nice continuity nod. I thought about doing a bit of foreshadowing, and I tried a teeny bit in reference to Seymour, but I don't think anybody would note it except BTACDers. I need to think about people who don't know our world, LOL. /shot Also, these are just little snippets of memory; they're supposed to be fragments. c: Both are separate stories, though I did kinda tie them together that way because nothing happened for a while. blade extending in a curve much like its tail. Intricate green scales covered the blade side of the blade. Blade side of the blade...? o_o o3o Shoot. Um. Flat side? I don't know where that came from. I'll go fix that asap. |DDD A pause. |Well that's a bit different. Why didn't you say so when you first blasted my ears out?| He blasted his ears out? I don't remember that. Martyr's being sarcastic again. Jekt; =.=; /facepalm- I didn't blast your ears out, you ******** (edited out for your hearing pleasure~) Martyr not trying to contact him again showed him that the anthro knew what was on his mind. Try 'Martyr, not trying to contact him again, showed him that the anthro knew what was on his mind.' Gah, them there commas again! That's when I was spazzing because Mom told me I used too many commas. o___o Shall fix~ He ran forward, disregarding his injuries to shout at the thing that had the one he loved, scarlet eyes filled with a fear too deep to describe. I bet I knew what he was saying, too. "HEY. *BAG. PUT HER DOWN." AHAHAHA. Yep. That's pretty much it. x) Jekt; UKBAKHBFKBAFKHFBKJABHF D8! Jekt smiled in return, eyes remaining untouched by the expression. It faded after only a moment. "Tell me what happened the first time," he murmured, letting his gaze wander to the valley below. "Tell me why he did this." Martyr sighed, leaning up against the canyon wall. He tilted his head to look into the sky and closed his eyes, drawing up the memories. Jekt waited patiently; there was nothing else to do. I think you should put in a brief note as to why his brother had never told him before and to why he thinks he should tell him now. :B Trudat. :3 Hmm... I think I had it because Sl- er, Martyr (Dx) didn't want Jekt to grow as distant from Xen as he did. c: (reason for me wanting to call Martyr 'Slain' is because that's what his name is now. I have an ancient thing on his page with some history on it - <a href="http://btacdragons.webs.com/BlazehsCharacters/blazehcharries.htm#Slain">here (should be there)</a> and his under-construction page <a href"http://btacdragons.webs.com/BlazehsCharacters/slain.htm">here</a>) ^Though that history is old. |DD I've revamped it (on paper) to fit Memories and that timeline. I forget how long ago it was that I wrote that. owo;;; "It started like this," the anthro said slowly, eyes half-opening to slits of crimson. "He lost control of his powers one night in some sorta fit; in the morning, he found he'd Triggered. Blades everywhere, through everything. Mother was caught in the worst." His voice turned savage. "She was still alive when I got there. Xenion wasn't doing anything - he just stared at her like she was some zoo animal in a menagerie. He didn't try to save her or nothin'. She told him she loved him… and died." Blades? Was this some sort of war or army or something? Xenion has a shifting ability that allows him to change his fingers into knife-like blade; I've never been able to draw it, no matter how I picture it in my mind, and I can only explain it crudely... because I have no idea how to, really. "My mother was just killed," Jekt growled bitterly. "I don't know who did it, but I plan to find out. Not go with a dragon I don't even know, let alone one that's filled my head with only riddles." I wouldn't say riddles. o3o What is smaller than zero, always in nothing, and never in all? -shot- Jekt; ...;_; Not my fault that I get confused easily! Edge; /blows smoke away from gun- Jekt; ...Where'd you come from? o.o Edge; Someone asked to be shot. So, I'm here. c: Jekt; ...shootmeplz... ;___; His smile faded slightly, became more serious. "That boy is you, Jekt," he said gently, seeing uncertainty flicker in the half-demon's eyes. "You must forget your past until it is time to remember, release those who hold bonds to you. Break the ties of this life and embrace your destiny; they will need you no longer." I'm just sort of shocked that he'd come right out and say it. He's an odd god, tbh. Baaah I almost wish BTACD's seventh plot didn't happen and I could still role-play him. o3o He was quite blunt sometimes. Epicly blunt. <3 Then, with a glance at the village - whose inhabitants were seemingly oblivious to the towering dragon outside their gates. Grammar error. The hyphen is being used as a sort of addition, like parentheses, so it's incorrect. You're saying "Then, with a glance at the village.". Even with the added part, it makes no sense. ...That doesn't make sense, you're right. Changing~ He felt his brother begin to stir, as if some connection had opened during the God's conversation; then it flickered and the feeling died. This should be the start of a new paragraph. All on its own, or...? o: a circular chamber smoothed to gemlike quality I just keep getting this image of Zacyn with sandpaper and muttering to himself as he smoothes the walls. For years and years. As Jekt had watched, a whole other room molded itself out of the far empty wall, and when he entered, he was barely surprised to see it was already furnished. There went my theory. D: OH FIVE. I AM SO DRAWING THAT. 8DDD && lol. Jekt; it just... just... .___.; Martyr looked for him after that day; for three years he walked the world, seeking his younger sibling in vain. I think you should put an interrupter (---) in there. Otherwise it's like "do-be-do, off into the room, oh, now it's Martyr, and - WHAT" Ooooh, true. I don't think I thought about that. For another year, Martyr grieved silently; he left to join the Albronellion military in the year 681. Weren't we LOOONG past 681? Or is my mind out to lunch again? Year: 670, Felnova, Everlasting Age. ^ that's the year Zanna died in; was explaining what he did after Jekt poofed. n__n It led him farther into insanity until whatever trace left of what Jekt had known was buried beneath layers of driven rage. You mean 'Xenion'. I meant Jekt. until whatever trace left of what Jekt had known was ^referring to what Jekt knew of his father. c: And inside, Jekt stood, forgotten by all. He's inside the tombstone?! Woah! Did not catch that! LOL, I should clarify. xDDD And suddenly, Zacyn's roar filled the gemstone chamber, made cracks race up the walls. Another odd sentence. Ooh. Making, not made. AND ZOVVIIIIEEE, danke. When I'm done with Mori Estela I should drag you into the fray. |DDD MWAHAHAHAHAhahahaha ha ha ha h a a a . . . /fades away with woogly fingers Share this post Link to post
Posted May 15, 2010 Ver: Aah, I didn't catch the Jekt and Xenion part. I was a little bit confused. Jekt: So, Zacyn, I'm done with all of the books, now wh- What are you doing? Zacyn: *hides sandpaper* Nothing. Jekt: Is that - Zacyn: NO. SHUT UP. GO READ THE CEILING. Jekt: Fiiiiiine. *looks up* There are just pictures. Zacyn: A true master can read drawings. Your welcome, though, and if you dare... well, I'd probably do it anyway. Just still not my thing. DX; My protagonists in stories are normally ugly. And critter-monsters. Dude, Vognas is described as being "an ugly little monster" repeatedly. >___> Still, I don't see why you can't make them ugly, or at least average looking. I just see waaay too many Mary-Sues that are pretty, have wings and claws and such, don't act like an animal, are kind, and so on. And that's what I'm getting from your characters. DX Storm: Yeah, I'll read. :3 To everyone else: Damn, it's getting popular. >_> But, sure, I'll read these all. To add them to the first post now... o3o Share this post Link to post
Posted May 16, 2010 It probably stems from the fact you give good feed back. Hearing "yeah that's good" or "eh, that was bad" doesn't do a writer much good, even if the former's an ego stoke. It's always nice to see someone who'll give an actual analysis of what they're reading. Share this post Link to post
Posted May 20, 2010 bump? Just wondering how the reading's going, no one's posted on here in a couple days... Share this post Link to post
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