Reader for Hire (though I'm free) (CLOSED)

[Shaddowwarrior]

That hand is so much smaller then mine it isn't even funny. >.<

[Sasstrek]

Why is Zovesta quitting?! No...! Now, that's news... O.o

 

Interesting hand. Almost wanted to high-five back.

[hazeh]

HIGH FIVE BACK. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

[Zovesta]

Uh, wow. I didn't expect that one comment to get noticed so much. o_o; Yeah, sorry, guys, I'm quitting. DX I'm just not interested in dragons anymore. I will always be doing this and another thread that I will open up for drawing commissions, though.

 

You guys are awesome, too, btw. And I so high-fived that hand.

 

Ok, for Haz's (makes me think of Taz...) story. It was pretty good, and I definitely want to read more (are you posting any more?), the main character seems to have enough flaws to make her a "bearable Sue". See, the thing most people forget is that a Mary Sue CAN WORK. In fact, sometimes one is needed, depending on the setting. This is a setting that calls for it, as it's more of a heroic-adventure story than a ragtag-story-of-pathetic-losers-who-try-to-fight sort of story. So, yeah, while she's a Sue, physically, her personality is too unlikable for her to be overbearing.

Still, I wish we got to see more of Hunter's and Victoria's flaws. They seemed like cookie-cut-outs... I liked Mr. Lonan, though. =)

You did, however, have three problems. You did pretty damn splendidly for a first draft, though. =D

 

1. Lance. Lance, Lance, Lance. His lines were so cliche and "nyar-har-har villainy" I burst into giggles whenever I heard them. You want the reader reaction to be serious, anxious, and pissed. So let's switch some lines around.

 

"Jenny's a sweet girl, isn't she? She's very pretty; it's too bad she's got to die. I'll enjoy killing her and the rest of you filthy creatures. We're waiting at the abandoned warehouse. I look forward to seeing you, Miranda."

 

So, let's break it down. Compliment, threaten, insult, info. With that as a base, we can reconstruct some new lines.

 

"Jenny was so soft, so harmless. It nearly makes me feel bad. Don't you want to pay what little respects you are able? We'll be at the abandoned warehouse. I look forward to seeing you, Miranda."

 

This is still pretty bad and cliche, but it does add a bit better of a feel, because it's not so "Nyarharhar, I keeled your girlfriend, Imma keel you ALL now, wretches!" which, in all honesty, is pretty bad. Even Voldemore from Harry Potter had depth. Where's Lance's depth? Flesh out the guy, give him good traits, give him bad, explain everything he's ever done in your head, THEN work on his lines and actions.

 

2. THE DESCRIPTION! This was almost unbearable to read. You don't need to describe everything, the readers aren't stupid. We don't need to know the exact anatomy of a cat - we know it. You don't need to describe the exact footsteps of the people around you, it's not important. See, some of the wonder of reading is letting your mind go, letting it imagine things for itself. I can name several good books that didn't describe the main character much at all, for example. Some things JUST DON'T MATTER and they just clutter up the rest of the story and bring down its quality... From, really, one of the very few good books I found on writing gave me this little treasure.

"Cut, cut, cut. You don't need all of this extra. Extra clogs the story, so unless it has a purpose, cut it out. Remember that one line you spent a long time working on and are so happy with? Does it add anything to the story? If not, cut it out."

Those weren't the exact lines, but you know what I mean. He kept a drawer full of these treasured lines so that he might be able to use them in another story. If it doesn't add anything to the story, cut it out. Because as it is right now, I'm reduced to skimming.

 

3. The Narrative. This ties in with number two - why did you use first person? It doesn't go with this story at all. You really should have written it in third - honestly, in order to change it to third, all you would have to do is change the I to Miranda and stuff like that. This doesn't read like first person at all. First person is HOW YOU SEE THINGS... when I hear a fan going, I don't think about how cold the room is becoming, or how the sound is ever so musical, or how I have it angled so it doesn't hit my face. No, I think "Huh. Fan's on." We automatically take the lazy way when we think, and unless we're deeply involved with it, we don't pay it much mind. As it is right now, it reads like third person, because you don't get to see everything in her mind, you don't read it as she would, and you don't understand why this character has such a blank, boring, and stale mind yet tries to describe everything.

 

Now, so I don't bum you out, I'm going to write three good things about your story.

 

1. The metaphors and similies. These were sort of sparse, and you should add tons more if you want to keep with cutting out only so much description, but the few you had were good. ^^ I suggest reading Blanche on the Lam. That book read very well because of all of the metaphors and the like. Even if you don't like the subject or characters, you should read it just for the way they describe - it'll help. Helped me.

 

2. Good way of avoiding a Mary-Sue. I applauded you on this earlier, but I'll say it again: you did make the character a non-Sue by making her so unlikable. Gj!

 

3. Good plot. Like I said, I really want to read more. ^^ It's intriguing.

 

Now, for the critique on the lines...

 

I saw that in the original (the one I printed out) you had "The noise was familiar and soothing" and then, shortly after, "It was quiet and soothing". It was a repeat of words, and that always makes it sound sloppy. Thanks for fixing it - good save. =)

 

Irony, however, is a word you should try to never use. Because chances are, if you think it's ironic, it's probably not. Besides, even if it was, you'd get hassled by people who don't think it is. It's just a word to avoid. Try "poetic" or "funny" instead.

 

"Both of her pale green eyes flashed with instant recognition and a grin curved at her mouth, and she placed both hands on her hips, head cocked to the side."

Would read better as "Both of her pale green eyes flashed with instant recognition, a grin curved at her mouth. She placed both hands on her hips, her head cocked to the side."

I'll ignore the description and just say that as it is, it's a little awkward to read. Don't hesitate to break a sentence in half if it drags on too much.

 

"I loved parties, but I had been abstaining from alcohol the past couple months because every time I'd gotten smashed, someone's property ended up the same way."

This was an excellent way to describe both her problem with alcohal and her way of handling it. <3

 

At the start of chapter two, you have a GIGANTIC info dump. I barely survived going through it. Because it's first person, it's even worse. Scattering the info around and only leaving a paragraph or two (at most!) to be an info dump would be a much better read.

 

The anxious and worried mood you had for Jenny's well-being REALLY got completely destroyed because of all of the pointless filler. =/ So that's another reason for cutting it down. It's like Miranda is more concerned about the footsteps of everyone rather than her gf's well-being. Which... is sort of funny, actually, but greatly contradicts what she does later, and what's she's DOING.

 

"He crawled up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder, and without a word, pressed something small and slender into my hand. I turned it over in my palm and studied it closely, and in a split second, realized it had been the metal object I had kicked. "It's a…needle…" I whispered with confusion, handing it over to Victoria. She was no longer focusing on her thoughts and now took to examining the needle with interest. Hunter pointed fiercely at Jenny, and then at the thing in Victoria's hands. "

Ah, see, this is something I just made the mistake of doing in my own story, and my sister pointed out how bad it was to read. If you've already named what something is, don't call it "the thing"... you can say "the slender needle" if you want to add more description, but still describe it as a needle. It's like the character knows it's a needle, then forgets and tries to figure out what it is again.

 

""So, my little kitten-" All three of us snapped to attention at the sound of Lance' sly, slimy voice- "You haven't made a peep! How's that supposed to let your monster of a girlfriend know where you are?" He tugged on her hair again and she remained quiet, fighting back the agonized tears that stained her beautiful face."

So cliche... and the reader doesn't feel like Miranda does, because 1. The character is too cliche. 2. Jenny is too cliche at this point - if you want a reader to care, develope characters rather than just going for the "damsel in distress" bit. Why do you think so many people rooted for the dragons in the princess and knight story? I know I sure as hell did.

 

"Of course- typical bad guy to up and escape while the good guys were distracted."

Oh, now you aren't even trying... could you at least try to disguise it?

 

"to weaken our claustrophobia."

Word repeat... try saying "calm us" instead? Also, the chunk of description before this was very boring. Cut down and change regular lines to metaphors. =)

 

Also, as you keep reading, you find that she's very judgemental. Good! =D

 

"he was always doused in the most terrible smelling cologne imaginable."

Pierre Le Pew?

 

"Ah, so that was his scheme. He was swooning some poor shapeling girl into believing that whatever procedure they put her through would allow them to be together as a couple. "

How the HELL did she jump to this conclusion? o_o I was simply think along the lines of "changing her into a normal human so she can join the hunt" or something like that. ... Miranda's a perv.

 

"I could react, the nose of the weapon rose and aligned itself with Victoria.

"Move and I shoot her," he warned,"

Dumb-ass... she can JUST MOVE.

 

"I was able to regain my composure and swung back up at him with my arm straightened out like a sword. Using the momentum of my stumble, I sliced down on his throat with the side of my forearm and he crumpled to the floor with a strangled choking noise. "

She... did.... WHAT?! o_o Does she have some sort of frikkin blade attached to her arm or something?! wth?!

 

"We have to fight."

I thought she liked to fight.

 

"Transformation didn't take that long. The evolution gene worked like magic- the moment I swallowed my own blood, something was triggered in my brain, and a flood of chemicals surged through my body. I convulsed on the spot and hunched over as nausea swept over me. Sharp pricks of pain shot up in what felt like every inch of my body as the structure began to change; my arms lengthened out and my shoulders cracked when they shifted backwards into place; my spine elongated and curved; my thighs and shins shortened and my ankles grew into another bone to form the cat's hind legs; from my tailbone sprouted a long, whip-like tail; my hands fattened and my fingers retracted into toes, with rough, leathery pads emerging on the bottom; my torso grew thicker and my ribcage expanded outwards as my gut became heavily muscled; my neck grew wider and my jaw bone jutted forward under a large, diamond-shaped nose, and my ears formed rounded triangles and shifted onto the top of my cranium, which had grown denser and larger to proportion my new body; my eyes lost their oval shape and curved upwards at the ends; my forehead became broad and my teeth grew long, thick, and pointed; my long hair withdrew into my skull and a short, tawny-colored fur rippled out over my flesh, turning a creamy white under my belly as darker orange stripes surfaced over my back, face, tail, and legs. Most of all, I had grown to an enormous size and would have towered at an astonishing twelve feet, had I been standing on my back legs.

Out of all cats, my breed was said to be the largest, and it was profound in the way that I weighed almost half a ton on just solid muscle at such a young age. "

Your readers aren't dumb. We KNOW what a cat looks like. >_>

 

"His coat was a rich maple-brown but white on his under belly; a pair of large, arcing antlers rose from his skull with several pointed tines sprouting from each end. His hooves were relatively small, but they were hard as stone and sharp like glass."

Dude. Stop describing in battle.

 

"A man's face, aged around forty six, materialized over mine, creased with concern. His bright gold eyes were wide and loving as he stared into mine and I wished I could reach up and hug him. "

She's injured. Why would she describe her dad in such poetic terms? She'd just be thinking "There's dad." See, this is why you should really switch to third person.

 

"no shapelings are comfortable around needles."

... Why? You're excluding all exceptions.

 

"I just sat there"

Don't you mean "laid" (or whatever term it is - I always confuse "lay" and "lie" and the like)?

 

"Two shining, friendly green eyes focused on me immediately, and I looked up from my article to grin at my doctor. "

Aaah... see, this is a problem I see all over. I mean ALL OVER. When you first see people, you only take note of the most basic features: their height, their weight (if they're really skinny or overweight), their hair colour and type (you'd notice if someone had an afro, for example), and their skin colour. Also, a general feel for them. You only notice eyes and stuff after you've looked them over some more. I didn't notice my sister had hazel eyes, just like everyone else in my family, until I closely looked. And I still don't know my grandma's eye colour, and I've been with her for years. >_> Though, then again, I'm not the most observant person, but you get the idea.

 

"her hair had been died several times,"

"dyed", unless her hair keeps coming back to life and dying.

 

"Victoria flung her arms around my neck, but was careful not to hurt my shoulders. Hunter waited his turn, but when Victoria was finished, he only gave me a quick squeeze. Silly boy."

They wouldn't allow Victoria to FLING her arms at her like that - no, if you're injured on the shoulder, you have to be careful. The doctors would know.

 

"I shivered and wiggled down into the thin, immaculate hospital sheets, which were surprisingly soft and comforting. Not at all like the typical scratchy fabric they gave you in regular hospitals."

Hm... that's odd.

 

Well, that's the end. =) Now for Kyrieath's story... time to print out again.

[Shaddowwarrior]

I lost interest in Dragons a looong time ago, I just go on the forums now because they are lots of fun. So if you're staying on the forums that's what matters.

[Voxezi]

I lost interest in Dragons a looong time ago, I just go on the forums now because they are lots of fun. So if you're staying on the forums that's what matters.

Dis.

Just stay on da forums, alrighty?

[Zovesta]

I don't have much to do anymore, though... Most of the time I was here I was working on art, so... but I will always stay in the Multimedia section. <3

[Kyrieath]

Time for some time away from the scrolls eh? Not too surprising, really; this is a game best enjoyed in spurts.

 

I apologize for all the author's notes on my stuff but I've simply found that was the best way to avoid having to answer the same basic questions over and over again when using a non-canon idea.

[hazeh]

It was pretty good, and I definitely want to read more (are you posting any more?), the main character seems to have enough flaws to make her a "bearable Sue". See, the thing most people forget is that a Mary Sue CAN WORK. In fact, sometimes one is needed, depending on the setting. This is a setting that calls for it, as it's more of a heroic-adventure story than a ragtag-story-of-pathetic-losers-who-try-to-fight sort of story. So, yeah, while she's a Sue, physically, her personality is too unlikable for her to be overbearing.

Still, I wish we got to see more of Hunter's and Victoria's flaws. They seemed like cookie-cut-outs... I liked Mr. Lonan, though. =)

You did, however, have three problems. You did pretty damn splendidly for a first draft, though. =D

 

Hahaha, thanks. =) I was well aware that she was going to be a Mary Sue, but like you said, she works for this type of story, therefore I kept her like that. But... I actually like her, so the whole "unlikeable" aspect of it I'm not seeing so much. >> And I was thinking about marring her up a little bit later on by Jenny, since (SPOILER) she's [Jenny] a totally psychopath. n _n; Her Mary-Sueness was also a reason why I gave her those injuries in the first place, and then they just sort of developed into plot on their own. ><

Hunter and Victoria... Hm. Yes, I suppose you're right, although I'm pretty sure I put Hunter's shy-boy hippie personality in there somewhere. x3 Victoria I can see what you're talking about, since she's just mostly a voice right now.

 

 

 

1. Lance. Lance, Lance, Lance. His lines were so cliche and "nyar-har-har villainy" I burst into giggles whenever I heard them. You want the reader reaction to be serious, anxious, and pissed. So let's switch some lines around.

 

"Jenny's a sweet girl, isn't she? She's very pretty; it's too bad she's got to die. I'll enjoy killing her and the rest of you filthy creatures. We're waiting at the abandoned warehouse. I look forward to seeing you, Miranda."

 

So, let's break it down. Compliment, threaten, insult, info. With that as a base, we can reconstruct some new lines.

 

"Jenny was so soft, so harmless. It nearly makes me feel bad. Don't you want to pay what little respects you are able? We'll be at the abandoned warehouse. I look forward to seeing you, Miranda."

 

This is still pretty bad and cliche, but it does add a bit better of a feel, because it's not so "Nyarharhar, I keeled your girlfriend, Imma keel you ALL now, wretches!" which, in all honesty, is pretty bad. Even Voldemore from Harry Potter had depth. Where's Lance's depth? Flesh out the guy, give him good traits, give him bad, explain everything he's ever done in your head, THEN work on his lines and actions.

 

You know what, I totally saw this coming. Everytime I reread this section, I kept staring at this and telling myself, "How the do I change this?" It was actually changed from its original (which I can't even remember what it was) so believe it or not, it was improved. Hahaha. It seems to be too formal for a text, and any way I tried to put it it just sounded awkward D: I'll try and see what I can do with it later, though. -sigh- Even though he totally gets murdered by Jenny in about six chapters.

 

 

2. THE DESCRIPTION! This was almost unbearable to read. You don't need to describe everything, the readers aren't stupid.

 

3. The Narrative. This ties in with number two - why did you use first person? It doesn't go with this story at all. You really should have written it in third - honestly, in order to change it to third, all you would have to do is change the I to Miranda and stuff like that. This doesn't read like first person at all.

 

Uugh, I know, I know. This is what I have the most problem with. I am far too description happy, I don't know what to do with myself. I can see what you mean with the narrative, but the reason I feel so apprehensive about changing it as that I've always seen Miranda as a first-person type character, and I feel so much more comfortable with writing her like a voice right out of my head. But, I am going to see what I can do about changing it into third, and I just know there are going to be some really difficult areas to change. -sigh-

 

 

At the start of chapter two, you have a GIGANTIC info dump. I barely survived going through it. Because it's first person, it's even worse. Scattering the info around and only leaving a paragraph or two (at most!) to be an info dump would be a much better read.

 

-flail- Damn. I was thinking it was a pretty good move [but then, I'm just naive] with the whole "make the first chapter mysterious and the second chapter informative" thing. I guess that didn't work. Perhaps when I switch to third person I can rearrange some of the info.

 

 

"Of course- typical bad guy to up and escape while the good guys were distracted."

Oh, now you aren't even trying... could you at least try to disguise it?

 

Derp derp, you caught me. x3

 

 

"Ah, so that was his scheme. He was swooning some poor shapeling girl into believing that whatever procedure they put her through would allow them to be together as a couple. "

How the HELL did she jump to this conclusion? o_o I was simply think along the lines of "changing her into a normal human so she can join the hunt" or something like that. ... Miranda's a perv.

 

Well, um, yeah she is.

And to me, this seemed like a logical jump for Miranda because she can't fathom that a Shapeling would WANT to join the hunt for any other reason. She made the connection through Lance's words and tone- and the fact that she knows him- to assume that the girl wanted to be with Lance, but the only way she could do that was to NOT be a Shapeling. x3 That was probably fail on my part, though.

 

"I could react, the nose of the weapon rose and aligned itself with Victoria.

"Move and I shoot her," he warned,"

Dumb-ass... she can JUST MOVE.

Well... that's what she did...

 

 

"I was able to regain my composure and swung back up at him with my arm straightened out like a sword. Using the momentum of my stumble, I sliced down on his throat with the side of my forearm and he crumpled to the floor with a strangled choking noise. "

She... did.... WHAT?! o_o Does she have some sort of frikkin blade attached to her arm or something?! wth?!

Well, I think this scene actually appeared in a dream of mine. I remember seeing it in my head, and it looked pretty logical. Maybe it was the way I described it, but really all she did was lock her elbow so her arm as straight, and then whacked him on the throat with the side of her forearm. o _O

 

"We have to fight."

I thought she liked to fight.

 

Only if she knows she can win.

 

 

[insert long description]

Your readers aren't dumb. We KNOW what a cat looks like. >_>

 

Yes, but they don't know what her transformation looks like. That was the purpose for the giant description, was to show readers how the evolution affected the different parts of her body. This part I'm hesitant to change.

 

 

"no shapelings are comfortable around needles."

... Why? You're excluding all exceptions.

Well, Miranda doesn't know that. Keep in mind she can't fathom why a Shapeling would be comfortable around them.

 

"I just sat there"

Don't you mean "laid" (or whatever term it is - I always confuse "lay" and "lie" and the like)?

Yeah, probably.

 

"I shivered and wiggled down into the thin, immaculate hospital sheets, which were surprisingly soft and comforting. Not at all like the typical scratchy fabric they gave you in regular hospitals."

Hm... that's odd.

Um...what? . _.

 

 

 

Thank you! =D I really appreciate all the depth. I'm currently rewriting the first chapter in third person, and I'm going to do that for the other three chapters that you read. Based on critiscm for that, I'll either go and revamp the rest of the chapters and then post them, or just post the ones I have as they are.

I do plan to put up the next couple chapters, but I'm probably going to stop after Chapter nine. Suspense, but also because I don't really want my work up there for that long. I rather like my plot idea, and I'm squeamish enough for having it up already.

 

Again, thank you so much! <3 AH LUV YEW!

Edited July 13, 2010 by Hazardous Force

[Zovesta]

Eh, I haven't looked at my scroll in ages, honestly. It's just everything here... I like Bogleech, as I've told you guys.

 

Haz: Ah... she does have a lot of flaws, so that does make her unlikeable. I didn't like her, at least. >__>; But, anyway, no problem, I'm just sorry it took so long.

Ah, I see... see, this is a problem that a lot of writers run into. They can imagine their characters, but they can't write them right. It takes a LOT of practice. My character, Vognas, for example, is very insecure. But it's hard for me to write him that way, so he just appears intolerant. Go back, tweak actions to change the mood, and the readers will pick up on her flaws.

Like, in order to point out that she's a perv, maybe have her eyes linger on certain areas for awhile, etc.

For the transformation part... that is basically what everyone assumes. I was reduced to giggles when I read that huge part and I had to skim it.

Edited July 13, 2010 by Zovesta

[Kyrieath]

*Taps it back to the top* Well, this slipped rather far back while we were all looking the other way.

 

I tend to pop between Dragon cave, Valenth and Unicreatures myself. It's enough variety to keep things interesting when one gets old.

[Zovesta]

Very true. And thanks for the bump, your story is next.

 

Printing it out for reading tonight.

[Zovesta]

Hey, guize. I'm alive. You can't believe it, can ya?

 

Kyrieath's: Done in reverse order.

 

I really shouldn't have bothered to take that ***'s offer. I was standing out here, in the middle of Königsberg- damned if I was calling it Kaliningrad! - in the middle of the night, looking at what that baby faced psychopath did to my home.

 

No, it wasn't bad enough he'd shelled the actual city to the point there wasn't hardly anything left of it beyond a few still standing structures. He had gone (and) told them to build another city over it; keeping the structures that survived…and then forced every last Prussian and German out, one way or the other.

 

I'm in the heart of what used to the cradle that gave birth to my existence and it was just some hyped up Russian base- with tourist attractions! What next; history tours?

 

"Looks nice, da~?" That high, too soft voice comes from the figure at my side I had been trying to ignore; I don't even know why I bothered to say yes to this. Maybe he's just trying to butter up to West now that he's lost that over bloated nightmare he'd made over the years. Not too many people were willing to get friendly with him yet.

 

"It looks like . What the hell did you do to Königsberg? If you were going to tear it down, you should have taken it all down!" There were familiar things here I didn't want to see in a town that was so plainly Russian; the Gates, the old Exchange- these were German- Prussian!- things. They shouldn't be in some god forsaken Russian enclave that never should have been theirs!

 

"Aah…" The tone is oddly disappointed as Ivan sighs, moving a step closer. I don't give up any of my ground; I do level a glare at him, though. I might not be a nation anymore; but I will still make him remember pissing me off the following day if he tries anything. "And here I thought you would appreciate being able to see your homeland on the eve of your birthday. I am trying to be nice, da?"

 

"You want 'nice'? Then give it back! Then I'll kick every one of your people's ruskie asses out and invite some of West's in." Now that would be some sweet revenge; when Germany and Prussia fell apart, they went on that 'expulsion' craze to chase them all out; I'd love to do the same right back.

 

"Hmm…not yet." Ivan is raising his hand then with a little shake of the finger, a broad smile stretching his lips. "You are an impatient little boy, wanting a present just a few minutes before his birthday!"

 

"Shut the hell up, Ivan; what would you know about my birth-" Well one thing to remember about Ivan; his arms are longer than that husky body makes them look as he slaps a gloved hand over my mouth, fingers digging into my cheeks and jaw briefly while he holds on. lolwhut

 

Even on my strongest of days, Ivan's grip would have been hard to break. Now, I'm clawing and tugging at his hand, to no real effect.

 

"I looked it up. It is so interesting the things you can find now! And Germans do things in such neat, orderly stages it can be so easy to find out what you want to know. I had to read for awhile; but this finally became a kingdom on January 18th, 1701, da?" That *** is still smiling as he pretends he's not aware of me cursing him under that hand, talking pleasantly as he goes. Finally he lets go so I can pull back, feeling bruises already forming on my jaw.

 

"So you can do a little research; good for you!" I start walking away from him at a double pace- yes, coming here had been a bad idea and then some. But there was one thing I wanted to see before I left. I can already guess I won't like what I see; knowing those damned Russians, they probably turned Königsberg castle into some Party building back in the day. Ivan follows a little ways behind me, just chuckling to himself.

 

The remaining marks of what this place used to be are all I need to find my way; or so I thought. By the time I finally let myself slow down, I have to admit to myself at least I might be lost. After all, Königsberg Castle should be right here.

 

Not this ugly, warped looking thing. What the hell….

 

"What the hell is this?" A tiny, embarrassed cough is my only answer until I turn to face him. Ivan holds his hands up as if to ward off a blow- like he'd have much to worry about- that smile of his turning positively sheepish.

 

"Aah- I have to admit we made a bit of a mistake. The castle had been bombed and when we tried to fix it, it sunk!" With that, he's spreading his hands out into a helpless, 'oh well!' style shrug. "We tried to fix it again but it didn't go very well, da? Heheh! I am so very sorry about that!"

 

He had known exactly what I was looking for and just let me go and find it. I want to scream at the ***, to pound his face into the street we're standing on. I should have ignored that 'invitation'; West had wanted me to. But I had just had to see it for myself.

 

I'd take it all back some day; then I'd make him pay in spades. I was still Prussia; as long as I was around, it still was and could rise up to kick ass just like it used to. I'd make it twice as strong, and take it straight into Moscow; level that god damned piece of rainbow colored they called the Kremlin to the ground.

 

"You son of a *…" I start to advance on the laughing Russian; Ivan doesn't look worried, however. Why should he, the more logical part of my mind is saying. I have no army and right now, this is his turf. Not mine.

 

Maybe it's that realization that makes my step falter. My legs suddenly feel unsteady, my stomach clenching uneasily as I try to reclaim my balance. No, something else is wrong…I'm sure of it.

 

Somewhere, off in the city, a clock is starting to chime. Ivan watches me a moment, then steps forward to close the distance that suddenly seems impossible to move one step further on.

 

What the hell? Why can't I…I can't even say it. The bruises Ivan left there are going numb; all of me is. He catches me as I start to collapse, smiling down as the next, drawn out chime resounds.

I am highly confused. What bruises? Where?

 

"Yes, I can read; I can talk to people too, da? I heard an interesting story once; about how 'Deutschland' started. Ooh, I don't mean what's in the history books of course." He taps my nose like I'm some sort of idiot brat he's giving a bedtime story to at that as he lowers me to the ground. "I heard that one day, a little boy was found wandering in lands already taken. Then someone decided to take that boy and gave him some of their lands, making the boy his little brother. It is such a sweet story, da?"

 

The chimes continue to toll; the third or fourth one now perhaps? I'm losing count; I'm losing everything. Feeling, sight; but I can still hear him talking. Why was it getting dark? Damned Russians weren't so cheap they didn't even bother to leave them on all night, were they?

Leave what on all night?

 

"I heard that story and thought to myself 'Wouldn't that be nice, to have a little brother?'; I have an older sister and a younger one…but I don't have a brother." There is just the faintest, most distant of sensations; someone putting their hand on my head, I think. "I like that story; so I decided to try it! We all like fairytales that come true, da?"

 

Pain has begun to replace numbness with every last chime of that clock, clawing through every bone and muscle. I feel that hand that had been on my hair slip to my forehead instead, then the damp warmth of someone's breath against my ear in the January chill….

 

"Happy birthday~! I give you Kaliningrad, just like you wanted." The last chime strikes; if I could scream I would at the pain it brings; or maybe it would be in response to the words that chase me down into darkness as the sound of that chime fades. "I wonder what I should name you~!"

 

Cold…so cold. Why was it so cold? Nothing can be seen; so dark and cold…there is just a hollowness the cold seems to be escaping from. It claws, it bites and tears apart…

 

Run I have to - but…what is running? Something screams it will save me but what do I need saving from? How can I 'run'? There's nothing here to set foot on if I had feet at all. I don't. I don't have anything.

 

No feet, no hands- just cold. Cold and fear. Something is wrong, I know something is wrong. I shouldn't be 'here', I shouldn't! I can hear things, moving close by. Feel things though I don't know how. I have no body but hands are on me.

 

Holding me down, pushing me into the cold- no! NO! I don't want to go into that, it's burning and its freezing; it will kill me!

 

Kill? Yes…kill is something to fear; it means I will die…but what is 'die'? Fear and confusion are running wildly in circles, screaming and screaming at me over and over. Sometimes I understand one, then I understand the other, but never both.

Yeeaah... wtf. I've been disoriented before, like this, but I've never had anything like this happen. I knew all of these basic ideas, I just couldn't really think about them. I never got this sort of wild panic and trying to figure out everything - it was more of a "Whuh? Ok, whatever..." sort of feeling.

 

Laufen..Yes, I know: run!.Ich habe zu fliehen…I know, I know! I have to run away from this, I do…Sterbend …dying; how could I be dying if I didn't even know what dying was? But it frightens me, it's happening to me. Is that the cold? Is that the pain that tears at me?

First person narrative is sounding less like first person and more like a history teacher droning.

 

Ich sterbe…I'm dying, still dying; how could I not die? I don't want to die! Fear is screaming at me, flailing around with limbs it doesn't have. I want to live; I don't know what that is even as the thought takes hold, but it feels warm, right.

See above. "Fear is screaming at me" Well, I've forgotten what life and death is, but I'll be damned if I can't be poetic! First person narrative: right there, in the action. You do not describe fear so calmly - it's more of a "OHGODWTFWTFWHEREAMII'MSCARED" thing. Right now this is boring me out of my mind.

 

Zhizn' …confusion spirals around me again, nipping at the heels of fear to send me staggering in this place where I have no body, no sight. What did that word mean? It was strange but it felt warm, promising something other than what those whispers of death and fleeing promised.

 

But I cannot understand it; am I going to die because of that? What is it trying to tell me; how can I not die? Does that word know?

lolwhut

 

Ich sterbe, verblassen… I may be screaming that, maybe something else is for me. Sometimes it is just one voice; it is just one when those words come. They sound so faint, so feeble…one voice, my voice, crying into this darkness of nothing.

I don't understand why you have to spell out the different language. My sister talks in Japanese without even knowing it at times, and she hasn't even fully mastered it. When you know another language, you don't see it as, for example, "Bonjour" - you see it as "Hello". Maybe putting it in italics or bolds or something would help, and adding in "this language sounds familiar" or some such?

 

Ya zhivoo, rastyet! The voice- the voices? -that had uttered that warm, guiding word speak again. It's a roar that sweeps over me; I cannot make out the words but the feeling! So strong; so many voices speaking louder and louder; all I have to do is follow them and I will live; I will grow and…

This story would be told much better in third person perspective. Right now... well, I'm wondering if our hero here is a bard just watching this all happen.

 

Nein! Another desperate scream, but now against that warmth it seems. I want to fall into it, cling to it- but some part of me is turning away, reaching for that cold. The word…I used to know what it meant. I knew…it was a denial. But I could hardly hear it anymore. Was I hearing it right?

I've lost track of what's happening. Is the character being brainwashed or something? All I know is, I'm scanning this with glazed-over eyes and increasing frustration.

 

It doesn't matter; the word is screamed over and over and over again into this darkness, darkness that is starting to brighten as it becomes fainter. Words, other such different sounding words are filling the air around me; filling that hollow place and turning the ice to a pleasant warmth.

Which word? Matter? Doesn't? Cold? Reaching? Cling? Fall? Nein? Seriously, I'm lost here.

 

Life; this was life- this was zhizn', living- life! The strength of those voices is filling me, drawing me up and closer to that light and warmth, away from the distant whispers of that senseless nein sound; it whimpers and cries as I reach ever higher.

He/she's having an epiphany?

 

Ya boodoo zhit'! I was going to live; I will live! The voices are roaring that along side me, even as other phrases are coming out of those sounds; no longer my voice speaking what they say but others as well.

 

Different voices, all different; laughing, crying, lying, consoling, talking- living, they're all living and they are all around me as the last echoes of that strange, foreign word dissipate, left behind. There is only this, a place I belong and strength that fills me as that cold once did.

Where'd Ivan go?

 

Live- zhizn! They chant the word to me as I go, reaching until I am blind and it feels as though I am going to simply break on the tide of voices that are taking me upward- then a new sensation. Sudden, apart from sound and light and shadow; warmth, but not from that once near dead place inside. Warmth, support; the body I had only just started to become aware of is being held.

 

The voices are clamoring still, but now they begin to fade as that strange sensation sweeps them away; riding the tide of a soft, happy voice intruding into the world where mine had been the only one to speak alone until now….

 

"Ti nye spish' yeshshye, bratishka?"

 

"Ah, there you see, Serezha? The uniform looks fine on you." Vanya drops his hands to my shoulders after having put the hat in place; he can say what he wants, but I'm not inclined to agree. I tug at the uniform's collar for a moment, watching him in the mirror as I do so.

who is Vanya. what. where. when. how. I don't even.

 

"It's a little plain, don't you think, Vanya?" My brother let's out an exasperated, oddly good natured sigh as he holds up that odd water pipe he so loved to carry around. The tap is a playful one though, nearly knocking the hat he just put into place off and leaving me to scramble to set it back into place.

 

"Nyet! It is the perfect symbol of our way of life!" Well if he says so. I still think it looks plain. Well maybe if I could get a few medals somehow to make it look a little less…well…dull. "It works very well for the 'special officer' of Kaliningrad."

We just went from trippy epiphany to this dude/chick complaining about fashion sense. Or something. I have no idea what's going on.

 

"Alright, alright; I give! Just put the pipe away, will you?" He isn't looking entirely satisfied with my 'surrender', but he finally just clucks his tongue and shakes his head with a strangely forced seeming tolerance.

 

"You are still learning, so it is forgivable, da? You are doing very well for someone only a day old." Was I that 'young'? I had to be; Vanya had found me out by the Dom Sovetov yesterday…but I didn't feel like I was as young as all that.'

Is this Ivan?! Is Ivan supposed to be Vanya? Also, a day old? This is one literate baby.

 

He said it was from being what we are; we simply knew things as we needed to know them for getting by in the world. It sounds a little too convenient to me, but he would know, wouldn't he? I take a moment to turn back to the mirror; I didn't look young; Vanya looked younger than me.

Vanya/Ivan's an embryo, I've decided this. These are super-intelligent infants.

 

"Well I'm not going to argue that point; so we're part of the Empire of Russia?" I try not to grin at the expression that gets me in his reflection. It's not the first time I'd called it that since he had found me; and every time he had painfully gone through and explained that no, it was a federation. There were no empires anymore.

... What?

 

"Serezha~" The tone is peculiarly sing song as Vanya leans forward suddenly; a dark scarf in his hands that he abruptly drops around my shoulders and wraps tightly. (Grammar error here) A little more so than I'd call comfortable, actually, as he smiles. "I thought this would look nice on you; and you will need it when we arrive at my house in the Russian Federation, da? It is very, very cold there in January~! Very warm, isn't it?"

So Serezha is the main character. Got it. ... Still not sure if it's a boy or girl, though.

 

"Gah- d-da! Very warm, V-vanya- but if you don't loosen it up-!" He lets out a soft little giggle, of all things, and lets the scarf loosen so I can tug it to a more comfortable loop. We both turn toward the mirror again; to me, we don't really look like brothers.

Ok! The main character is a dude and is named Serezha and doesn't look much like Vanya, except we don't know what Vanya looks like, but it's a start. I'm still confused at to wtf just happened, though.

 

Vanya is tall and broad; his skin is winter pale and reddened at points from the cold he warned me about and his hair is a pale blond mop. His eyes are a shade of purple, really rather doe-like if you didn't know he carried a metal pipe he could probably cave a wall in with.

I stand corrected.

 

Next to him, I look positively frail. My skin isn't 'winter pale', it's a near dead white, with hair more gray than white to top it off. The only thing even remotely the same are our eyes; though mine are more red than any purple hue. Still there's a trace of it in there.

x2 Also, there should be a comma after "Still". The mirror-to-explain-what-the-main-character-looks-like cliche is very overused, but I'll let that one slide.

 

"Hmm…you look concerned, Serezha. What is on your mind?" He continues to watch me study the both of us in the mirror, easy smile still in place as he rests his hands on my shoulders again. "Or shall I guess~?"

 

"It's nothing, Vanya. Just…getting used to things I guess." Those hands abruptly slip around as he pulls me back into an almost smothering hug, resting his cheek against my head as the hat finally gives up trying to stay into place. It topples to the ground as Vanya seems to wait for something- then smiles. I can just barely catch it in the mirror's reflection. It isn't like his usual, almost idiotically happy ones; it's chill and victorious, in some way, though gone so quickly….

Extra period at the end there.

 

I must have imagined it.

 

"You don't need to worry so, Serezha. When you see your eldest sister finally, you will know just how well you fit in, da~? She looks much like you." He finally pulls back and lets me stand properly on my own then, turning me to look me over one last time. "Now finish getting ready to go; we will be going to my house tonight; I have plenty of room! I will go pack my things while you finish here."

I think I've finally figured out what's going on. Serezha went to his home, escorted by Ivan, saw crap he wouldn't stand for, got pissed, got knocked out by Ivan (and, for some reason, got high during this time) and is now with Ivan (Vanya) and trying not to be seriously creeped out as he's being adopted into this weirdo's family. Am I close?

 

Vanya rests the pipe against his shoulder and steps into the next room; his, I suppose. I haven't been out of this room since he'd brought me here from where he'd found me. I had looked out the window a few times, but he had wanted me to stay inside.

 

'You are still weak; rest!' was what he had said. Well I guess if a long trip was ahead, he had a point. From everything he showed me on a map- not that I could make much sense of the distances yet- Russia was a pretty big place. I had to wonder how long it would take us to reach his house.

This is the last time I read fanfics for something I don't know.

 

I start getting what scant items I have together; at only a day old, it isn't as if I owned a lot. Vanya had stated I'd been wearing little better than rags when he had found me; perhaps some poor person's attempt at taking pity on someone who looked even worse off.

The fact that Serezha is a super-intelligent infant is making me even more confused about the events.

 

Da, I had really appreciated that comparison.

 

I kneel down to collect the last item; the hat that had been knocked aside when Ivan had decided to 'reassure' me had slid under the bed. I lean on the bunk, hand bumping against the fabric as I try to snare the damn thing- but my fingers then touch on something cool and metallic instead. I blink and drag it out, the hat caught on it as well.

The description is very boring.

 

A black, equal armed cross on a silver chain. I hold it up into the light; there's some filigree and engravings, though they don't make the least bit of sense to me. Still, there was just something about it….

You and me both, buddy. -shot- I kid, I kid.

 

"Hm? Serezha, what is it you've found?" Vanya has come back in with his bag, eyes locking almost immediately on the cross dangling from my hand. And the look in those eyes has me wishing I had left it under the bed.

 

Whatever this is, it isn't anything good. That much is obvious.

 

"Ah, just some junk that was under the bed!" No way was I going to let him think it was somehow mine when he was looking ready to crush it with his bare hands! "The last person in here must've left it, Vanya."

 

To emphasize the point, I toss the cross away from me to take up a new residence in the trash can by the window as Vanya starts to close the distance between us. He pauses as it clinks against the metallic side of the can, then smiles. It's a warmer one than any he's worn yet, completely banishing away that cold, hateful stare he had suddenly had.

Overly long sentence at the start.

 

"Indeed; just some junk. We will have to write to tell the hotel staff to better clean the rooms from now on, da?" He gestures then to the door, smile still in place as he speaks. "The car is waiting; it is time for us to be on our way." I follow him out, though as I turn to close the door behind us, my eyes settle again on that trash can, thinking of what now sat among its contents. Something about it was refusing to leave me be…then the door is closed between me and it. Putting it out of my mind, I turn to follow Vanya to the car, though a sudden sound catches my attention briefly. It's faint and nonsensical, but….

 

"Vanya? Did you hear something?"

 

"Eh?" The taller man stops on the stairs, looking back up at me a moment, then shaking his head curiously. "Nothing at all, Serezha. Is something else bothering you?" The tone is tolerant- very much the elder brother aware he has an inexperienced, jumpy little brother.

 

Like hell I was going to embarrass myself any further now.

 

"Ah, it's nothing. Let's go." Suddenly this hotel feels a bit strange; almost creepy. When I came back to Kaliningrad after a stay with Vanya, I was going to give that place wide berth. I can still see it in the car mirrors as we're driven away; Vanya appears oblivious to me watching it as it slowly vanishes out of sight down the road. Before it disappears completely though, I'm willing to swear I heard that cry again; distant, despairing and weak though it is.

 

…Nein…

 

 

I didn't read the ANs, simply because if you can't describe things in a satisfactory manner in the story itself, it becomes little more than someone throwing in random paragraphs and shouting "AND THEN HE WALKED TO HIS CAR AND HAD A GOOD DAY AT WORK AND..."

 

Overall, the writing style and characters were decent, but everything else was horribly confusing. I suggest reading a wide variety of books to learn how to make description rich and invigorating, and writing things in a clear, concise manner. I'm going to assume that it was so confusing because I had never watched/read the anime/manga this was based off of, but the parts that should have made sense were odd as well. In general, you need to improve on how to make things clear and exciting.

The other problem, as I mentioned above, was how this was written in first person. It was alright in the beginning and end, but during Serezha's acid trip, it was just plain "Is it almost over with, teacher? Am I going to be quizzed on this?".

Edited September 30, 2010 by Zovesta

[Aviatus]

*Unburies*

 

Zovesta? *poke*

[Zovesta]

*lifts head from desk* I'm alive! I'm totally alive!

 

Right... three left to go. =/ Damn. I thought I'd done them all. I'll get the next one up... soon.

[Zovesta]

Cybele: I will be leaving this comment on your deviation, too.

 

Well, the story idea is decent enough... the characters could do with a bit more fleshing out, but as this is a short story, I'll cut you some slack.

 

There are quite a few of grammar and spelling errors, but I'm sure combing through the story will fix them. And you really should use double spaces after each conversation - it was starting to hurt my eyes to read.

 

My main problem is how quickly it reads. That's normally a good thing, but I was getting confused. You need to clarify things, add in more description, and slow things down a bit. Don't be worried about bogging us down a little, it makes for a very enjoyable read. I mean, I read the whole thing in maybe fifteen minutes without a single bit of atmosphere or mood coming to me.

 

The story itself was a little confusing, we were thrown into an unknown world without any explanation or history or anything... maybe making Darren think a little bit, be a little nervous and shifty because he's... something. I don't know what he is. Seems like a human to me. I dunno.

 

On the whole, a good idea that was rushed through. Definitely fixable, though. I wish you luck on the writing adventure!

[Aviatus]

Just wanted to let you know, I did add a piece to the story (doubled it in size) ^^; and there actually is more, but I'll let you read that 10,500 or so first

[Zovesta]

Holy crap 10th page. I'M A SLACKER.

 

Well, so sorry, Sceptile, for the wait, but I'm reading it, finally. I'll post the review on your thread, so hopefully it will get some more attention.

 

As for this, I'm closing it. Permanently. X___X Good day to you all~