Reader for Hire (though I'm free) (CLOSED)

[hazeh]

-is excited to get a review-

 

^^

[Zovesta]

Kyr:

 

Silverwatermist: That's 'cause I've been doing yard work and been getting shots and such for a couple of days. DX Sorry... just been very busy.

 

Hazardous: I hope you're patient.

[Silverwatermist]

haha no no that's fine, sorry if I seemed impatient. I guess you were just on such a roll with the reading for a while that I started wondering what had happened! >_>

[Zovesta]

You didn't, I can understand.

 

I'm gonna get onto reading though, ASAP. I just... forget time.

[hazeh]

. _.

 

-waits patiently-

 

...

 

-but is still excited-

 

^^

[Kaala]

Just finished the entire first draft of the thing you're reading. ^^.

Also: *is excited*

[StormofNight]

Zovesta, I've finally finished Chapter 2 of my story. I'd be delighted if you would add me to the ever-growing list of stories that need to be read Thankies.

[Silverwatermist]

How's everyone doing over here? Haven't seen a post in a while.

 

I don't know about everyone else, but it's been way too hot here @_@ Like 85 to 90 degrees. As someone who's not a hot weather person, yeesh! Seriously. I can't wait for autumn....

[Zovesta]

Bleh, busy as usual.

 

I know what you mean. Same weather over here. The only difference is that we have a swimming pool. DX Honestly, I hate all season except for winter. I'm a natural bug-magnet... in Fall I can't take a single step without crushing five ladybugs. In summer, it's spiders. In spring, flies. We're infested. >_>

 

Nearly done with Ver's.

[hazeh]

It's freaking cold here. x _x It feels like the coldest May I've ever experienced, serious. D| It's all raining and bleh.... sunshine periodically. >>

But it's what I call super cuddle weather! ^^ Blankets, hot cocoa, a book, fire place... a snuggle buddy. ;D

 

Mmmm.

That's why I love Winter.

[Shaddowwarrior]

Author: Shaddowwarrior

Title: Untitled (I don't really have a title, it's just a short practice)

Genre: sci-fi mostly, some fantasy mixed in but I don't know how much that will show through.

Description: So far it is about someone arriving in a city. *cough* It's mostly for the purpose of exploring my world. Pretty much just a story of someone trying to make their way in the world. Lame.

Rating: So far, G. For nothing. Maybe later PG, possibly PG-13. If so, for battle sequences or violence.

What you want me to look out for: Anything.. Grammar and style, also the world the story is set in.

Length: 976, I believe.

Link: Second post

Notes: It's very short, but I want to fix anything wrong now before adding too much more.

 

Thank you. :3

[Kyrieath]

It's storming like crazy out this way; ah, the South in the late spring/early summer. ; Storm every afternoon followed by mass explosions of nearly every blood seeking bug you could name.

 

C'mon winter!

[Zovesta]

Done with part one of Ver's story. I'll get around to reading the second part, but for now, I'm gonna read some of those lovely stories people have posted because I'm feeling guilty about the waiting list.

 

Ver: In general, meh. Really, meh. Wasn't great, wasn't bad, it was just sort of neutral/good. It just seemed very bland, as if we were getting told the story from someone speaking in monotone, rather than jumping in there and feeling everything ourselves.

 

I do think you have great potential, though, and it's not mind-numbingly bad. Just bland. Though, that's probably due to the story itself - gorgeous elf-type creature (specifically a Drizzt drow) goes off to become a great warrior, and so on. I've seen it done millions of times, and I'm sick of elves. >____> So that instantly puts me off when I read.

 

I think you should include problems with the drow. They're beautiful with ivory hair and ebony skin and ruby eyes, with a perfectly sculpted jawline and yadda yadda yadda. An entire race can't be gorgeous when it's a humanoid. Why can't we have flawed people, people who are average, some who are actually sort of ugly, some that have personality flaws beyond being talkative or "zany"? But this is a general rant. I have seen some of it applied to your works, though, and while it will probably sell well, you'll get people like me who just pick up another book.

 

Maybe the drow could have such hyper-sensitive ears that they hide from the other creatures in whatever area they're in because they can't stand their loud noises? Maybe they communicate via a sort of clicking/whispering language that is too low for most others to hear? Maybe they tend to develop disease after a certain age and so on? Give them something original and creative.

 

You should really work on action scenes. >_> I know, I know, they're harder than hell, but it's worth it once you learn how to do them. But it's a laundry-list way of fighting. Spice it up with moods and thoughts and even the occasional dialogue.

 

Now for the little bit of copy-and-pasting that I did...

 

nature's coarse

You mean 'course'.

 

elder Drow do?

Drow shouldn't be capitalized. Human isn't capitalized, dog isn't capitalized, whale isn't capitalized...

 

wearing a light grey tunic that matched perfectly with his silver eyes, contrasting with the dark deerskin leggings

We don't really need to know what he's wearing. I just keep getting this image of him giggling madly as he runs through the mall, swinging a purse, and saying, "Oh, goody, this one matches my eyes PERFECTLY. Let's go look at leggings, now!"

When describing and outfit, or even appearance in general, it's good to space it out and leave hints throughout the story. Doesn't bore your readers or bring up Mary Sue syndrome.

 

Caele took the hint and swung onto its back with Elven agility;

What a braggard.

 

Pale blue met silver; regret to sympathy. "You were injured some time ago," he commented, unwrapping the half-done bandage to examine the slash beneath. "But you did not tell any of us…? Why, young one?"

 

"I thought… I just…" What to say? How could he admit his shame without becoming the laughingstock of the army? He had trained under this man only once; what was he like? What would he do?

 

"You thought you would be made fun of from your injury? Caele, you must understand - things like this cannot go ignored." A small, gentle smile. It reminded him of his father. "All warriors get hurt at least once, little one, more often many times. But half the world's heroes would be dead if they hid their hurts and had them not healed."

He sounds very feminine. o_o; This intentional?

 

"These are not the hands of a warrior," he said softly, letting Caele's hand go. "You would have excelled at many other tasks, Caele, so many much more fitting than the life of a soldier. Why did you choose this path, young one?"

He's asking some pretty personal questions there...

 

Cheshire: I like it! I really do like it! Seems very original, much different from typical dragon works nowadays. The style is nice and free-flowing, though you've got a bad case of hypenitis. -shot- Hyphens should be used sparingly, and for the most part you could have replaced it with a period or semi-colon. I only read the prologue, though. ;

 

nothing too serious-

He shrieked

Good use of hyphen.

 

Sidling up to it, the dragon wrapped his long fingers around it-It was a fairly large egg

Not a good use of the hyphen.

 

They were at least two times his body length, and though he usually cursed his large, clumsy wings

Wait. Wait. Wait WHAT?! No, no, no. Wings that were large and clumsy would be about FOUR times the size of his body. Look at bats. Bat wings ARE NOT bird wings. Bird wings are about twice the size of the bird and they can fly gracefully. Bat wings are nearly three times the size of the body and they beat them very rapidly and frantically. This guy happens to have wings that just barely support him, or support him well, depending on the size of the wings. They aren't large and clumsy, sweetie. >_>

 

I like it, though.

 

Shaddowwarrior: I read both posts, since that's what I figured you wanted me to do.

 

I loved it! Great writing, brilliant job on everything (except for a few things, which I will list below)! The setting seems interesting and I'd like to see where this is going.

 

punching in the code we had been given, 2-3-72-0.

Should be a colon instead of a comma.

 

I leaned on the linked fence, enjoying the speed. I have always loved going fast.

I'm horribly confused here as to what's going on. At first I thought he was in an apartment and looking out and noticing that the ships in the docks were rocking. Then he's going somewhere (I thought out to work) and putting on a mask. Then he's on a ship and there is no wind so the sails aren't doing anything. Then apparently he's on some bad-ass motorcycle because he's describing the speed as "fast". ... Yeah, please clarify.

 

“Please, step this way. You will be able to buy masks and, if you wish, new clothes.” A guide had come over to our large group, and was beckoning us with his arm.

It would flow better if you mentioned the guide first, then put in the dialogue.

 

were masks of all sizes and styles

You mean 'where'.

 

If only he had bought this sort of mask...

 

I nodded, a little put off by his way of speaking, different as it was from mine, but I nodded none the less.

Good, good, I like this... shows you that he's a judgemental and sort of a predgudous person withour outright stating it.

 

Tricky little buggers, you foreigner's.”

You are the foreinger's son? >_> Why the quoation mark?

 

In the center of the big room, I found a small booth. It was run by a friendly lady dressed in an official uniform, similar to that of the warden that boarded our ship earlier. She offered me a guide, and I took one.

LAUNDRY-LIST ALERT. How could he tell that she's pleasant? Please put some description into this scene!

 

 

 

I'm sick, so I'll be spending most of my time reading. I'll finish up everyone's stories even if it kills me! =V

[hazeh]

-excitement-

 

^^

[Shaddowwarrior]

Ooh, thank you! I'll get right to work on it. ^^

[hazeh]

I'm just curious...which story are you working on now?

 

[Voxezi]

It's in progress - barely started - but I'd like to know what you think of it, TDTC. Also, there are some things I haven't gotten to yet, like adding more about how he stabbed himself, that I know needs to be done. If it hasn't been mentioned in the thread, please do so.

 

 

Author: Voxezi!

Title: [blank]

Genre: [undetermined]

Description: [undetermined]

Rating: meh. Teenagers, suppose

What you want me to look out for: Um. I don't know. Do your awesome review powers.

Length: 559, so far.

Link: http://forums.dragcave.net/index.php?showtopic=93280&st=0

Notes: Also, there are some things I haven't gotten to yet, like adding more about how he stabbed himself, that I know needs to be done. If it hasn't been mentioned in the thread, please do so.

[Shaddowwarrior]

Do you mind if I re submit my story with more added and stuff?

 

Author: Shaddowwarrior

Title: It's still untitled... the file is named 'Sample'.. I should probably give it a name.

Genre: Still sci-fi though there is a bit more fantasy now.

Description: OK.. same as before, but now main character is looking for job. Lol.

Rating: G still.

What you want me to look out for: Story/plot. I'm pretty much doing this as a writing excirsise thing, so I don't really have a set plot, and am not sure if it is any good. I want to work with the world and my writing, so if the plot is bad PLEASE tell me.

Length: The whole thing on my PC is 4,676 words, but I can't remember exactly how much of it is on DC. Not likely to be a variance of more then 300 or so words.

Link: This is the first part (that you read before) and the rest is below it.

Notes: MURDER IT PLEASE.

 

If you don't want to do it or something that is fine, but it can't hurt to ask right? :3

[Zovesta]

Alrighty, I'll add. ^^

 

Hazardous: The list on the first post is the order I'm working in.

[Silverwatermist]

So here's something I made today:

 

 

I'll leave it up to Zovesta if we're allowed to use it in our signatures or not I figured they could link back to this thread.

 

edit: Right now it's too big, so I'm going to have to play round with it and post again, if people are interested in using it.

Edited June 8, 2010 by Silverwatermist

[Zovesta]

.. <3 That is too epic. Thanks so much!

 

Also, daww, that is one cute bat.

[Voxezi]

W' 'bout me?

[Aviatus]

Would like to make a request

 

Author: Sceptile100

Title: PANTHER

Genre: sci-fi and fantasy

Description: Story about a secret Government organization, and what happens when a genious is aiming to destroy it (kinda lame but still)

Rating: PG. language and violence.

What you want me to look out for: Grammar, spelling, and pacing, I'm really bad at rushing things.

Length: Around 5,400

Link: http://forums.dragcave.net/index.php?showtopic=94488

Notes: No where close to done, but I need editing help ><

[Kaala]

Hello

Uh, Zovesta, just saying that my whole thing has changed again, and I'm slowly realising the carpiness of the one I sent you.

 

So, I'm going to RETRACT my request.

 

If you've already read it but havent updated, cool, but if you havent, you can strike it off your list.

Edited June 15, 2010 by Kaala

[hazeh]

^ 3^