Posted July 21, 2013 Hi! I'm soupnazi and I'll be doing some critique on your roleplay today. All places where you use "there" should be "their". Make sure not to have the first letter after semicolons be capitalized. The world was never beautifier. "beautifier" should be "more beautiful". You need more information on the geography of the setting of the roleplay, as well as more information on the government of the dragons. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 21, 2013 Hi! I'm soupnazi and I'll be doing some critique on your roleplay today. All places where you use "there" should be "their". Make sure not to have the first letter after semicolons be capitalized. "beautifier" should be "more beautiful". You need more information on the geography of the setting of the roleplay, as well as more information on the government of the dragons. I edited it according to your critique, thanks for looking at it and helping me make it better ! Share this post Link to post
Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) Ebon roared in anger as a dragon next to him was pierced by a barb. The dragon gasped and fell to the ground where it laid still. What's going on? Where did these Bleeding Moons come from? Why are they attacking innocent dragons? Cursing under his breath, Ebon barreled past dragons as he tried to get away from the attackers. Edited July 22, 2013 by Doctortear Share this post Link to post
Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) More and more fell to the Bleeding Moons as Ebon charged past the screaming crowd. Where was the council? Why weren't they doing anything? Ebon bursted into the woods and continued to run. He didn't stop until he noticed black purple liquid oozing from the tree branches. That doesn't look safe to touch; I better keep my distance. Ebon continued to wander around the woods aimlessly. Edited July 22, 2013 by Doctortear Share this post Link to post
Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) Ebon shot his head up. Someone was calling down to him, someone that was young; probably a hatchling. "What's it to you?" Ebon snarled back. He wasn't the kindest of people. In fact, Ebon was more on the aggressive side. He didn't like loud people, children, relatives, and overall kept to himself. Edited July 22, 2013 by Doctortear Share this post Link to post
Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) Oh great, a hatchling. Ebon didn't have time to deal with this. "Don't you have someone to take care of you?" Ebon growled at the hatchling. "Go bother them! I don't have time for this." Ebon turned to leave the hatchling in the tree. Edited July 22, 2013 by Doctortear Share this post Link to post
Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) Ebon stopped and lashed his tail. He didn't care for hatchlings and this one in particular was getting on his nerves. He could just leave the hatchling alone and let the Bleeding Moons get it. But, what if it grew up and went in search of him? Ebon didn't need anyone else trying to kill him. Sighing, Ebon turned around. "Fine, what do you need help with ?" Edited July 24, 2013 by Doctortear Share this post Link to post
Posted July 22, 2013 Ebon walked over to the hatchling and scowled. This goop didn't look like the best thing to touch. There was a stream nearby, maybe Ebon could get this hatchling to the stream so he could wash the oily substance away. "My name's Ebon, but that's none of your business. " Ebon snarled, "Come along, I know where we can wash this stuff off." Share this post Link to post
Posted July 23, 2013 (edited) Lyra snarled at the attacking Bleeding Moon dragons, breaking into a run for the safety of the dark woods. She dodged around the frightened dragons, putting an extra burst of energy into her straining legs. Nearly there Lyra, you can make it! You have too... She bounded across a flat stretch of grass that separated the area of the festival from the forest, desperation lending her strength. Suddenly, a large Bleeding Moon dropped silently to the ground in front of her, bringing her to a jarring halt. Panicked, Lyra lunged forward and aimed a series of bites and scratches at the vulnerable parts on the dragon's head, but her opponent simply raised its barbed tail and trailed it lightly across her shoulder. At first Lyra thought that the wound was too small to be fatal, but then a horrible burning sensation ripped down the length of her arm, causing her to drop to the ground and convulse in painful spasms. Satisfied, the Bleeding Moon took to the air again, leaving Lyra alone and helpless. She struggled to stay conscious as the corners of her vision faded to black, screaming at the top of her lungs. Lyra desperately hoped that someone would be able to hear her. (OoC: Too bright? EDIT: I'll just use this color.) Edited July 23, 2013 by SpiritWolfe Share this post Link to post
Posted July 23, 2013 (edited) Ebon held back a hiss as Drek mentioned him having a nice name. If he knew just why he was named Ebon, he wouldn't be so joyful about it. It took a few minutes of searching, but finally, Ebon was able to locate the stream. He padded over to the edge and sat down. "Dip you wings in there." Ebon commanded, ((OOC: A little, but its not too bad.)) Edited July 23, 2013 by Doctortear Share this post Link to post
Posted July 23, 2013 'Someone else screaming, obviously. " Ebon snorted. I'm going to check it out. You can do whatever you want. " With that, Ebon bounded away towards the shrieking. It was loud and unbearably annoying. Ebon turned and corner to see a Gold hatchling screaming her head off. "Keep quiet, will you? " Ebon snarled as he neared the hatchling. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 23, 2013 Oh, so he thinks he's being a smart alec, eh? "I can leave her to die if you want." Ebon snapped at the pesky green hatchling. "I don't have to help her; you can try and figure out how pull this needle out if you'd like." This little lizard was annoying. Ebon would gladly walk away and let him handle the situation. It wasn't like Ebon cared what happened to the Gold. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 23, 2013 Lyra's cries of pain dwindled to a frightened whimper as she realized two dragons - a Green Nebula and Seragamma Wyvern - were standing beside her and arguing with each other. She couldn't make out what they were saying because the only thing she could hear was her blood pounding through her ears. She narrowed her eyes in concentration and her limbs trembled with the effort, but she managed to raise her head and make her voice just loud enough to be heard. "Would you two please stop dawdling and actually help me?" With those sharp words and a motherly look of sternness in her brilliant emerald eyes, Lyra dropped into unconsciousness. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 23, 2013 (edited) Ebon narrowed his eyes and growled at the Gold. It passed out before he could say anything and Ebon hissed. "I'll take her to the stream to wash this off, but I'm down with both of you after that." Ebon hissed. He picked up the Gold in his mouth and trotted over to the stream. He didn't care if Drek followed him or not, Ebon didn't plan to stick with the lizard. Ebon stopped at the river, pulled out the barb, and dunk the Gold into it; letting the poison drift into the water. Ebon sat down and sighed; this was not the best of days. Edited July 23, 2013 by Doctortear Share this post Link to post
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