A World in Oils

[Zeditha]

Okay, plenty of those are deliberate effects, but I'll go change them anyway. ~

 

They don't know they're in a painting. I never said they knew that, did I?

 

They call it a 'window' because what they see is just that, a window to our world.

 

I hadn't though at all about time and place. The painting's creator doesn't matter: he's a nobody. But since the story will be set in the forest, our world won't matter. I think I'll describe that if and when any character decides to touch the portal.

 

The ones who want to destroy it think it's dangerous, and the ones who protect it are curious and want to learn more. It's that simple.

 

I stated, specifically, that you have to RP a creature in the forest world. I'm not planning to have a storyline in our world: I'll make sure that, at the very least, nobody stays there long.

 

The creatures who want to destroy the painting are no different from ordinary creatures: maybe corvids and 'evil' creatures would tend to be on the destructive side, while creatures normally seen as 'good' would protect it, but it's up to the RPers, after all.

 

 

This is a story I'm slightly vague about. My plan, long-term, is to see how the imagination of the players goes

[Dauntingale]

Before we get to the grammar, I have to say that KotS is right in asking you many of those questions. I understand that you want to be vague but there are some things that you need to start roleplayers off with such as setting. The descriptions of both worlds and the creatures in them and how the worlds function are pretty sparse. Although imagination is a big part of roleplaying, roleplayers need guidelines in order to start an RP off. As KotS stated, "Also, you can't just leave the reason to destroy the window as some sort of cliffhanger. Roleplayers would rather know the full backstory than jump in blind." I suggest answering the setting questions and the questions involving how the window works. Some additional questions I have are:

 

How is the window destroyed? Is it known how to destroy it? Where is the window located? What does it look like? Why hasn't anyone tried touching it yet? How long has it been there? What are the other locations in the world? What's the layout?

 

I also still think you should answer why creatures think it is dangerous.

[Razzyy]

Before we get to the grammar, I have to say that KotS is right in asking you many of those questions. I understand that you want to be vague but there are some things that you need to start roleplayers off with such as setting. The descriptions of both worlds and the creatures in them and how the worlds function are pretty sparse. Although imagination is a big part of roleplaying, roleplayers need guidelines in order to start an RP off. As KotS stated, "Also, you can't just leave the reason to destroy the window as some sort of cliffhanger. Roleplayers would rather know the full backstory than jump in blind." I suggest answering the setting questions and the questions involving how the window works. Some additional questions I have are:

 

How is the window destroyed? Is it known how to destroy it? Where is the window located? What does it look like? Why hasn't anyone tried touching it yet? How long has it been there? What are the other locations in the world? What's the layout?

 

I also still think you should answer why creatures think it is dangerous.

I agree with this, pretty hard to understand some things let alone role-play with the vagueness.

[Zeditha]

I thought I explained this before. They think it's dangerous, because it's new, and they don't know what it is. If a window to another world suddenly appeared in the forest you lived in, wouldn't you be scared?

 

I'll find/make a map, so we have a good idea of the places. As I previously stated, nobody will be staying in the human world for long enough for it to have a big impact. I have a few security measures for that.

 

No, nobody knows how to destroy it. It's new, remember? And the reason it's being protected is to learn more, which strongly implies they don't know much about it.

 

Someone has touched it. I'll go add this little bit of story in. (After all, how would the rumour of it being a portal start? Has to start somewhere.)

 

As I said, in the forest world, the creatures are only restricted by one thing they aren't humans, or human-like creatures. (E.g. no elves, fairies, dwarves, trolls...)

 

I'm pretty sure it's clear where it is: it's in the forest. I'll put it on the map, that should help.

 

NOTE: I'm pretty much useless at drawing, so don't expect the map to be a masterpiece.

[Zeditha]

Bump! Any more critique welcome!

[Konayuki of the Spirits]

Still a few more things.

 

You haven't answered how big this "window" is. Where is it located in the painting/forest?

 

Just because it's based in a forest does not mean that the roleplayers will stay in the forest, since they'll be going off their imagination. So yes, a depiction would be great, but a little more detail about what surrounds the forest is welcome. And maybe even some other lands with strange things we haven't heard of, because there's things like extinct animals and dragons.

 

You might also want to add how small the powers of the creatures can be (because mythical creatures and stuff), or give examples of some.

 

Even mythical creatures, such as dragons and firebirds, and extinct animals, such as dodo birds and carrier pigeons, are depicted.

Because you're substituting parenthesis with commas, you should replace "and" before "extinct animals" with "as well as". It would flow better, imo. Ex: "Even mythical creatures, such as dragons and firebirds, as well as extinct animals, such as dodo birds and carrier pigeons, are depicted."

 

There is a rumour, started by a 'mad' rabbit who claimed to have touched it, that the window is a portal, and anyone who touches it will be transported to the world portrayed.

This kind of reminds me of Alice in Wonderland, but it's probably not the same thing lol. You'll probably want to drag these ideas out more, because it should be something important right? It's pretty much the borderline between the destruction and the protection. How long ago was this rumor? What did the rabbit see? What is his stance on the window? Why is he considered mad (aside from the fact that he claims to have jumped between worlds, mayhaps something messed with his head on the other side, or he's just old and senile)?

 

Also, what's the time like in the painting? Does it slow down, do things age slower, or is it just normal aside from the fact it's a painting?

 

They think it's dangerous, because it's new, and they don't know what it is. If a window to another world suddenly appeared in the forest you lived in, wouldn't you be scared?

Okay, here's the thing: you never mentioned that the window was new in your post. It sounded as if it existed since it's been painted. If it suddenly appeared one day, that should go in your post.

 

And I guess I may be pushing it, but how intelligent are the animals? Are there societies, are there leaders? Who's leading the factions? Do the animals still have the natural instinct to avoid likely predators, or do they all work together?

 

That's all for now.

Edited April 25, 2014 by Konayuki of the Spirits

[Dauntingale]

I thought I explained this before. They think it's dangerous, because it's new, and they don't know what it is. If a window to another world suddenly appeared in the forest you lived in, wouldn't you be scared?

 

I'll find/make a map, so we have a good idea of the places. As I previously stated, nobody will be staying in the human world for long enough for it to have a big impact. I have a few security measures for that.

 

No, nobody knows how to destroy it. It's new, remember? And the reason it's being protected is to learn more, which strongly implies they don't know much about it.

 

Someone has touched it. I'll go add this little bit of story in. (After all, how would the rumour of it being a portal start? Has to start somewhere.)

 

As I said, in the forest world, the creatures are only restricted by one thing they aren't humans, or human-like creatures. (E.g. no elves, fairies, dwarves, trolls...)

 

I'm pretty sure it's clear where it is: it's in the forest. I'll put it on the map, that should help.

 

NOTE: I'm pretty much useless at drawing, so don't expect the map to be a masterpiece.

I understand. In that case, add it to the opening post to make it clear.

Those that join won't know this information off the bat and you can't assume they will.

 

Also, I second everything in KotS' post.

[Zeditha]

I find it exceedingly difficult to slot all I tell you into my OP. So if I miss things out, it's because a) it doesn't fit and b ) it should be obvious.

 

The 'window' has existed since it's been painted. I also thought that was obvious... I don't know when to set the human world side of this, though. Actually, I'm going to say it's set in our current time, but the forest world runs slighly slower. That way, the rabbit aged faster and so he was inappropriately older when he reappeared.

And by the way, he was raving. He was talking about something that made little or no sense to the animals, and nobody really wanted to think too hard about it. So they labelled him 'mad'. Good excuse for dismissing an unwanted idea, right?

 

We're starting a few days from when in has appeared. I'll go add that now~

 

Nobody leads the factions officially, but the dragons and firebirds would probably say more (and have their say taken better) than the mice, for example.

 

I've added a lot of things. Is it any better now?

[Konayuki of the Spirits]

I find it exceedingly difficult to slot all I tell you into my OP. So if I miss things out, it's because a) it doesn't fit and b ) it should be obvious.

 

=_=

 

=_____=

 

=__________________=

 

If it were obvious, we wouldn't be asking so many questions. For example, there was no indication that time would be slower in the painting or that the window was "new" because in human years, it was probably painted a long time ago so the animals could have had time to adjust and learn more about it, especially now that we know time slows down. But it's not in your post. How is the roleplayer supposed to know your world if you don't give them the basic information? There could be less confusion if you put in a little more work as writers are supposed to. Readers can’t figure out everything from a few simple sentences.

 

Also, everything should not “already be known”. You are the person who wrote this, so yes, you do know everything about the roleplay, but the readers don't. Look at it from our perspective. Read it a few times yourself and see if you have answered any of our questions based on the current information in your post.

 

And judging from the information presented, you still have not answered where the window is in the painting world, or how big it is. Not to mention all this stuff :

The 'window' has existed since it's been painted. I also thought that was obvious... I don't know when to set the human world side of this, though. Actually, I'm going to say it's set in our current time, but the forest world runs slighly slower.

and this (because it's important to have your society working):

Nobody leads the factions officially, but the dragons and firebirds would probably say more (and have their say taken better) than the mice, for example.

is not in your first post either.

 

And then this:

The 'window' has existed since it's been painted. I also thought that was obvious... I don't know when to set the human world side of this, though. Actually, I'm going to say it's set in our current time, but the forest world runs slighly slower.

and this

They think it's dangerous, because it's new, and they don't know what it is. If a window to another world suddenly appeared in the forest you lived in, wouldn't you be scared?

and this

The few people in the picture aged and disappeared, leaving only the animals in the forest.

are ideas that are clashing. The timeline makes little sense, unless the humans in the painting were unnaturally disposed of (which should also go in your first post so that we have a general idea of what the majority of the public think about humans).

 

You want this roleplay to be successful, and we're trying to help you, but you claim that the answers are obvious and probably not important to put in your first post for the sake of ambiguity. It doesn't work like that. Roleplayers need a base to start on, and your answers to our questions are pretty much that base.

[Tiga]

Im sure you dont need a big ((OOC)) note in the middle of the description.

[Zeditha]

Okay. I'm now going to add in everything I can fit, and delete stuff. This is getting a (relatively) major overhaul.

 

Tiga, I know it doesn't need that. I'll remove as soon as this is approved, but I've had SO many corrections on it that it's simpler to do that.

 

~~~Timeskip while I go edit the post~~~

 

I keep thinking it's not enough, but I can't see what else to add. Help?

[Zeditha]

Bump, welcoming critique!

[BlueLink9001]

I do like where this is going, But I don't understand, what are we in this? Animals, Humans, or the things inside Paintings?

[Zeditha]

You are a creature in this forest world.

 

Try reading the whole post. XP

 

There's no actual limit to what you can be, except you can't be a human.

[BlueLink9001]

Oh, thanks for tellin' me

[Zeditha]

 

Welcoming more critique.

[BlueLink9001]

I can't think of anything to critique about it, I just hope it's accepted soon. ^u^

[Zeditha]

Okay. If anyone has critique, please share it!

[Zeditha]

Bump ~

 

Anyone who wants to start RPing, please do! (PM forms )

[MessengerDragon]

They, too, move: --> As I said before, there are way too many commas in that little part.

I don't agree, the commas need to be there.

[Zeditha]

That's why I put them in

It doesn't work without the commas, and I really don't want to rewrite the whole part. Plus, it's only two commas in a sentence! It's not that many!

[Zeditha]

Bump! Welcoming any and all critique!

[KoalaNoob]

Hi there! I'm KoalaNoob, and I'll be critiquing your roleplay. ^^

 

The grammar in this is good; I see no problem there. However, after the plot, there are a few problems, which I'll be going over.

--------------------------------------------

 

It'd be good to have more geography. Yes, there's a map, but it'd be better if you described the general area to us as well, or maybe just name the different areas on the map. It helps make RPing a bit easier.

 

The OOC notes should be removed before the roleplay is approved.

 

You missed some pretty essential things in the rules, such as "no godmodding", and "no powerplaying". I recommend checking an approved roleplay to see what the standard rules are, and then editing them to suit this RP.

 

Also at your rules, I recommend putting them under bullets. That way, it's clearer which rules are which.

 

Putting the forms (maybe change to character forms?) in a code box (

) makes them easier for people to copy and paste, and, you can add the thing to bold the section names.

 

I recommend putting the () sign around ever section of your form. It makes it easier for you to read them.

 

Form: (delete these)

Delete what? The forms? If you mean delete the stuff inside parentheses, say so. We don't know what "these" are.

 

Please PM forms to me, I'll try my best to look at them as soon as I can.

If you want forms PMed to you, probably say so in the rules.

 

Species/type: (can be anything you want, be as imaginitive as you like)

-Imaginitive is spelled incorrectly, it should be imaginative.

-"Type" seems rather awkward. I think "species" is enough.

-The sentence in parentheses should be capitalized and have a period.

----------------------------------

 

This is all I have for now (don't want to swamp you), but I'll come back and give more critique when you fix these things or give reason not to.

 

[Zeditha]

Thanks for the critique! I've changed most of it, things I didn't change are:

 

I've left 'type' in, because while this isn't a DC RP, most people prefer to use DC dragon types, and of course there may be different types of other creatures as well. Therefore, leving it in gives a place to put that, too.

 

I've put 'please PM forms to me' in the first form brackets, because it applies to the forms and I don't think everyone reads the rules fully. (I do, of course )

 

There's only one OOC note, which is the 'grasslands' one. The other one I want to leave in, in case anyone doesn't notice the very deliberate time difference.

 

I don't really want to label the map, because 1) I want to leave as much to the imagination as possible, and 2) I have no idea how to. :/

 

 

I've done everything else you suggested, though! I've also edited some of the wording in a few places, it sounded clumsy so I fixed it.

 

I'd appreciate any more critique anyone can give me!

(And don't worry too much about swamping me, I'm a fast reader and a fairly fast typer after plenty of practice, so it's somewhat difficult to overly swamp me.)

[KoalaNoob]

There's only one OOC note, which is the 'grasslands' one. The other one I want to leave in, in case anyone doesn't notice the very deliberate time difference.

People should notice, I'm sure. If they don't, it probably means they didn't read the story carefully enough, in which case, it might not be a good idea to accept them.

 

I don't really want to label the map, because 1) I want to leave as much to the imagination as possible, and 2) I have no idea how to. :/

1: copy the image 2: paste it into MS paint or paintbrush 3: use the textbox tool to type.

 

 

Form: (Delete anything in brackets. PM forms to me.)

- [These are brackets]. (These are parentheses).

 

It'd be a good idea to add some written geography; we can only get so much from the map.