Posted April 18, 2017 Just a general place for me to drop written stuff. I write more than I draw, so between this and the needleart, this is my jam. I'm looking for general audience stuff and maybe some beta reading; if grammar or spelling are out of place, lemme know. Also looking for tone and flow. Don't be afraid to post reviews/crit on the thread, obviously. Most of this is fanfiction for a variety of things, to practice and hone for original works. I'll make a list in this first post of titles found in here and where they belong. This will be updated as I add more: -Bermuda Bound: The written story for a potential mixed-media comic for a blog I run-Minecraft, based on a purportedly haunted server I run unsurprisingly named Bermuda Share this post Link to post
Posted April 18, 2017 Bermuda Bound - 1 and 2.1 Almost four hundred years ago, Exodus Central ordered the eradication of Estyr, one of their vassal states. It became known as The Night of Fire and solidified itself as the worst xenophobic genocide Bermuda had ever seen. Estyr, once a bustling metropolis of peaceful desert-dwellers, burnt to the ground in one night. The population, exceeding several million residents and visitors at the time, was reduced to barely a handful in one night. From dusk to dawn of the next day, the horizon flickered red with the holocaust. Those who escaped the flames and the soldiers hidden among them to cull stragglers could only run and hope to escape the slaughter. In one night, their city -their glittering desert oasis- became nothing but ash. Eventually, they disappeared into obscurity, veiled to Central's eye by scattering and integrating. They were pronounced 'extinct' by their aggressors shortly afterward when hired skin-hunters failed to produce any sign of them. Exodus Central wrote lies and wove deceit in an attempt to justify their actions to their suspicious population. They regaled themselves as heroes, claiming to have ended a false treachery brewing in Estyrian councils with foreign plotters. While many people believed them in blind ignorance, there were those whose suspicions only rooted deeper. In its wake, fear sprouted, knowing and understanding that Central was now powerful enough to perform such atrocities against those they simply did not like. Central sowed the seeds of dissent against themselves in other countries on Bermudan soil and even in their own borders. Many non-humans defected from the empire to other regions, who welcomed and harbored them, or they moved to the outlying reaches where little of Central's influence penetrate if they couldn't leave. From their niches and hideaways, they continued to teach the ignorant how they learned the story about The Night of Fire. After all, history is rewritten by the victors and Central undoubtedly won in many ways that night. It has been almost four hundred years since Exodus Central leveled a city to the ground in one night. They have not changed their stance but have grown smarter in their tactics, turning from open massacre to more secretive suppression. They have left special orders to preserve the remains of Estyr as a reminder to their people, a passive-aggressive note of what they are capable of. The carved Lapis Star Gate and the broken golden Sun Dome are all that remain among an eternally scorched ruin of broken quartz bricks and burn-scarred sandstone. Political relations are tenuous, and the ever-watchful eye of the Council in Jormungandr keeps a fearful population in check. Unfortunately for Exodus Central, there are some people who live only to expose them for what they are that live well within legal political operations, those they cannot oppress. These few folk, though small in number, have learned to use this immunity seemingly only to infuriate them, perhaps trying to provoke them into action. Even if they publicly deny it, this defiance is getting under their skin. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Clouds scuttled overhead with the sounds of thunder rumbling from over the Restonian Desert, near Blacksand. The wind was slowly picking up, rattling the branches and leaves of the World Tree, a clapping noise audible even above the din of activity in Yggdrasil. Holding the reigns of his horse and guiding him slowly behind him, Garret let his face twist into a grimace, stopping briefly to look in the direction the wind was blowing from. Billows of sand off the dunes, disturbed by the gradually strengthening gusts and visible even from where he stood, gave him an idea of what the weather was going to be like. "Spring thunder." he muttered to himself, a low grumble as he started again. Ryker tossed his head against the worsening weather but followed his handler without much more opposition. The clacking above grew as the wind picked up further, smaller outreaching branches starting to bow. The massive supporting branches wouldn't move much, but if the soreness what had plagued him since that morning said anything, Garret knew the horns would be blown soon to let those in the Tree and on the ground know to secure themselves or take shelter. The first spatters of rain started as he made his way around the Tree's base and across the front, nudging people aside as they started to run for cover in a show of foresight. His face twisted even more as the drops grew large and fell in a sheet what slowly encompassed the world through a grey haze, though he was mostly shielded from it due to the expansive leafy cap of the World Tree. He hated rain. Which was ironic, since Bermuda herself had a fondness for it. Normally, he wouldn't mind it, but the shift in the barometer made his bones ache, his joints stiff. He hated it because it reminded him that he was getting on in years. The dark, low sky above lit up blue-white with a fork of lightning, a glimpse of the flash through the tightly-knit foliage far above. There was a crack that wasn't thunder, a piece of the Tree's canopy falling with a dull thud to the roads below. It wasn't enough to be noticeably missing from the World Tree itself, but it was still substantial enough to flatten the empty stalls across three blocks in the open-air market below. Thankfully, the early signs of the incoming gale had alerted said stands' owners and they closed shop. The only thing lost was merchandise and Yggdrasil's council would see to it the vendors were compensated properly for such after all was cleared. With the storm growing in intensity and people actively in danger, the horns were blown. The quartz tubes set into the Tree's trunks on either side amplified the sound, loud and deep enough the ground itself vibrated. People made a mad dash for cover, hiding in public buildings or taking shelter behind the trunks where the wind was less intense. Through the scurrying crowds, Garret still pushed on, using his free hand to redirect people away from him and his horse. The entire time, he cursed under his breath the name Bellamy. One of his mercenaries, registered under his name, the boy had started a fight with an Inquisitor in Jormungandr. The reasons were just, so he'd heard, defending a young lady who asked for his help when they came for her. Unfortunately, raising even fists (and sometimes even less than that) against someone so high and prized in the Exodan echelon was grounds for imprisonment with strong chance for public execution. Which meant someone who knew the old escape tunnels had to get him out. Garret helped carve those tunnels decades ago. He knew their layouts, where each door was, and the Redstone mechanisms in each. As did Jericho, who helped in their construction for this matter alone, but his old friend had business to handle elsewhere and therefore couldn't help. "Time Argent learned, I guess." he muttered to no one in particular. Hopefully, Argent had gotten his old man's message and was waiting where he asked with a small squad of some of their peers. He prized the kid for his ability to learn, and learn fast. He'd have to in case something went wrong and he had to make it back without the old Testificate's help. At the edge of the canopy of the Tree above, Garret stopped his horse, staring out into the downpour just beyond the shielding threshold. He sighed, a ragged noise punctuated with a grumble, as he removed a short cloak from one of Ryker's saddlebags. He draped it over his shoulders and clasped it shut, pulling the hood up over his head. It was dark, which would help conceal him in the gloom, and made of squid-skin for waterproofing. Another look out at the soaked road ahead procured him shaking his before swinging up into the saddle. The stallion shook his head against the amount of water that was falling so close to him, taking a few nervous steps back as the flashes of lightning and roaring thunder tore through the sky above. His handler clicked at him, pulled the reigns taut enough to show control. It seemed to calm him a bit, though his ears still flicked back and forth in anxious annoyance. "Couldn't have picked a better day to get his ass in trouble, eh." Garret muttered again, watching the stallion's ears flick as he tuned into his voice. "Welp! Nothin' doin', let's go save a dumbass." Garret spurred the beast forward and, after a few nervous sidesteps, they were on their way toward Jormungandr. Exodus' capital city. Ryker was not a warhorse by any stretch of the imagination. Rain bothered him and flashes of lightning made him skittish. Especially with it becoming more of a constant the deeper into the storm they traveled, his hoofbeats clacking over the soaked stone bricks what paved the roads between Exodan cities with the occasional broken gait of his shying. Garret knew how to handle him despite the weather and with his experienced hand, their journey did not waiver. It wasn't long before they passed the thick moat of Redstone what marked Yggdrasil's city limits, leaving the trees and streets of the residential sector behind them for the open road ahead.. The lightning had lessened and taken the majority of the rain and wind with it when they reached a small walled village a good three hours from Yggdrasil, the familiar red glow of Redstone around its fortifications casting eerie shadows against the stone in the oncoming evening, reflecting a reddish haze due to the cold drizzle left in the wake of the storm before. As they approached, Garret let Ryker slow to a canter, turning the stallion toward the closed gates to the village in the walls. One of the watchmen stationed above the gates held up a torch as a signal to stop, which the old Testificate complied to without contest. As Ryker came to a complete stop and shook his head free of excess water with a muffled jingle of tack, the watchman called down to them. "Good evening! What business do you have in Fenris!" It was more a demand than a question. Garret looked up from under his hood after a quick nod of greeting of his own. "Headin' north. Gotta get there by tomorrow. The way's long 'n' my horse needs a rest." He shifted in the saddle a bit for emphasis. "Could prob'ly do with a break m'self." There was a pause after his response, the sounds of mechanisms clicking and clacking behind the gates before one of the doors started opening. "Sorry, Garret. Can't see you or Ryker too well through this haze. Been having some problems with a group of ruffians around here, had to ask." Garret raised a hand to dismiss the half-hearted apologies. "Protocols 're protocols." was all he said in response before guiding Ryker forward through the gate and into town. Share this post Link to post
Posted April 18, 2017 (edited) Hello! I don't have time to go through your writing thoroughly atm, am busy studying for an upcoming exam (while taking 5 minute procrastination breaks on dragcave LOL, which is why I'm here), but one thing I noticed right from the outset are two things: 1) Punctuation for dialogues. "Spring thunder," he muttered to himself. --> correct "Spring thunder." he muttered to himself. --> wrong I noticed that this issue occurs consistently throughout - a deceptively small issue, but very important in actuality! High-profile readers will get turned off if they find errors like these, so make sure to exude professionalism in all aspects of your writing 2) Character muttering/speaking to himself. Nothing wrong with this! Just wanted to let you know that you can put down your character's thought-processes in italics sometimes - you don't have to have it verbalized in quotation marks all the time. Other than that, I like what I see so far. At a glance, your sentence construction is almost flawless, and the sentences flow smoothly from one to the other. Of course, this is only me scratching at the surface. If I have the time, I'll pop back here to give you my opinions about plot, characterization, presentation of story ideas, etc! Edited April 18, 2017 by Silverlight138 Share this post Link to post
Posted April 18, 2017 (edited) Ooo, another writer! And a Minecraft fanfic too; always interesting to see people's ideas for those! o: I'm not super picky about grammar or anything like that since I have issues myself (I feel like a hypocrite, pointing out other peoples' mistakes when I also make them XP); I did notice a few minor things that could be tightened up though, such as this sentence: " His face twisted even more as the drops grew large and fell in a sheet what slowly encompassed the world through a grey haze..." I would replace "what" with "which", and "through" with "in", so that it's "the sheet which slowly encompassed the world in a grey haze". I don't really have good advice for catching these spots, other than re-reading your work a lot. Reading it aloud can help too! For the story itself, I'm really intrigued! I want to read more of this! (Mostly because I'm starved for content, hah hah...) It's great for the start of a book; you catch the attention of the reader without giving out too many details or information, which can bog the reading down. Well played~ @Silverlight: Out of curiosity for 1), would it also technically be correct for the sentence to be: "Spring thunder." He muttered to himself. ? I thought commas should only end pieces of dialogue when it continues past the second sentence, like if it was like this: "Spring thunder," he muttered to himself. " It just had to rain, didn't it?" EDIT: Italicized examples. Edited April 18, 2017 by skwerl56767 Share this post Link to post
Posted April 18, 2017 Ooo, another writer! And a Minecraft fanfic too; always interesting to see people's ideas for those! o: I'm not super picky about grammar or anything like that since I have issues myself (I feel like a hypocrite, pointing out other peoples' mistakes when I also make them XP); I did notice a few minor things that could be tightened up though, such as this sentence: " His face twisted even more as the drops grew large and fell in a sheet what slowly encompassed the world through a grey haze..." I would replace "what" with "which", and "through" with "in", so that it's "the sheet which slowly encompassed the world in a grey haze". I don't really have good advice for catching these spots, other than re-reading your work a lot. Reading it aloud can help too! For the story itself, I'm really intrigued! I want to read more of this! (Mostly because I'm starved for content, hah hah...) It's great for the start of a book; you catch the attention of the reader without giving out too many details or information, which can bog the reading down. Well played~ @Silverlight: Out of curiosity for 1), would it also technically be correct for the sentence to be: "Spring thunder." He muttered to himself. ? I thought commas should only end pieces of dialogue when it continues past the second sentence, like if it was like this: "Spring thunder," he muttered to himself. " It just had to rain, didn't it?" EDIT: Italicized examples. ah, thank! if i can get this to a mostly complete state, i could easily go through, reword a bunch of things [since the majority of minecraft shenanigans involved are mostly the alluding to blocks/material names], and turn it into an actual original piece. minecraft is a great resource for settings, man. Sometimes having another person help edit is great, even if their grammar is so-so; they might catch things you didn't notice before. To be fair, those of us with mild grammar issues will rarely pick up on our own stuff because we read it [out loud or internally] how we want to hear it and to us, it looks right. Like right there, you picked up the one sentence that sounded off to me too but I was always editing elsewhere down the lines that I kept forgetting about it. And yeah; I was going to bring that up since my grandfather once told me they were interchangeable that way. He explained that the sentence in the quotations was another sentence of its own, but even if you end it in the quotes, the sentence itself does not end until you place the period at the end on the outside too, if you follow it up with a 's/he said' descriptor that is a continuation of the sentence. However, if you are interrupting the quoted sentence with the descriptor, you should use the comma in the quotes to explain that the character is speaking in one continuous sentence. It might have changed rules in the time since he taught me? But he was an English Lit and ESL instructor for most of his life, so I always took it to mean he knew what he was talking about, since grammar is a HUGE part of ESL. On concerning the 'character thoughts' bit from silverlight before, as well! It's not fully explained in this snippet, but Garret is legit elderly. I noticed in observations of older folk [namely those over the age of 60] that they tend to mutter and mumble aloud to themselves. A lot. To remind them of things, share their own thoughts aloud before they talk to someone, that kinda thing. My mother does this a lot too, and she's just passing 50. While Garret will have some private thoughts up ahead that aren't spoken aloud in italics, I promise his constant grumbling to himself/his horse are intentional to his character. Share this post Link to post
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