Mah story

[Kira1]

Please be helpful in critiques, thank you~

And aren't I nice? I broke up the paragraphs for you~

 

 

The two first met when Raim saved Cale from death. Cale had been an assassin for hire, though, he didn't enjoy killing, but he had been swept up into the lifestyle because of where he was born and how he grew up. The only way for him to survive was to learn how to use a sword. Cale was unable to find another way to use his skills with a sword other than killing for profit. He had fallen into a deep pit of murder and stealing that he was unable to pull himself out of. It wasn't until he met Raim that things changed.

 

Cale had been on the job, hiding in a dark alleyway waiting for his target to appear. He was so focused that he realized too late the malicious intent behind him. Before he could turn around, he felt the sting of a blade slicing down diagonally across the length of his back. Cale struggled to stay on his feet, staggering a bit, but he soon stumbled forward face-down into the ground. Thinking no one would save this dying man, the attacker left him to die slowly. As the blood seeped from the wound, soaking his clothes, the darkness of death began to engulf Cale, making him unable to focus or see-straight. His strength waned as he continued to lay there.

 

This is it, he thought, I'm going to die.

 

He didn't want to die. He was afraid of dying which is why he fought for his life every day. But he didn't want to fight for survival like that anymore. If he died, he wouldn't have to fight and worry about the troubles of the world.

 

When it seemed the darkness would take him over completely, he heard a voice right beside him. Cale could barely make out what the other was saying, but he could tell they sounded concerned. Why would anyone be concerning themselves with him? He was a lowly assassin, not fit to live anywhere but alleyways and shacks. Yet there they were, concerned about him. Cale then felt a soothing sensation begin to wash the pain away from his back. As the pain subsided and he felt like he would live again, Cale lost consciousness.

 

* * *

 

Cale awoke that morning to the impatient yelling of Raim for him to get his lazy self up and ready to go. There was no point in giving a reply to the shouts. Cale learned this awhile ago since Raim would always walk away after waking Cale up in such a fashion. However, Cale was already awake when Raim shouted at him through the door. He lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling of the small room furnished with just the necessities; a bed, dresser, and a desk. Cale was thankful for it all though since at least he had a warm safe place to sleep and a secure roof over his head.

 

Last year Raim had brought Cale to Saint Catherine Medical Research Facility after finding him almost dead. Now Cale did odd jobs here and there for them to earn his keep. The people there were kind enough to let him stay despite him being just some street rat with no money. Forever he would be in their debt for their kindness, especially Raim's because he saved Cale's life twice.

 

* * *

 

Raim urged his horse into a gallop when he felt the other had a terrible fever. Even with his healing magic to close the wound, he had been too late to prevent infection. The blond man breathed heavily, his face flushed and contorted with pain. Raim hoped the man would be able to hold out until they reached the medical research facility where proper treatment could be administered. They were some things that his magic alone could not do but they had plenty of resources at the research facility.

 

It was a huge relief when the facility came into view, and when others saw Raim barreling down the round on horseback they quickly became aware something was amiss. Unable to lift the man with ease, Raim quickly ordered those around him to help carry the blond inside and that he needed treatment urgently. The others saw the condition of the blond man and became just as urgent as Raim was, hurrying off with the man to get him in a bed where they could help him.

 

The next day his fever still had not broken, but at least his life wasn't in danger anymore. However, it still worried everyone that he had not awoken yet. He mumbled incoherently, shifting in a most likely tormented sleep. A concerned nurse came to his bedside, changing the damp washcloth on his forehead, and was startled when he suddenly grabbed her wrist. She stared down into his open eyes that stared up at her, and then wrenched her wrist out of his grasp. The nurse ran to alert someone that he was awake but that something was odd.

 

The blond rolled out of the bed, landing in a crouched position on the floor and looked around. More people came to see what the matter was and were shocked to see the fevered man out of bed and growling at them. A frightened nurse tried to flee to seek help and the blond focused in on the motion, leaping after her. She screamed when she saw him coming for her, but when she thought she would be attacked, nothing happened.

 

Around the nurse was a shimmering barrier that kept the man from reaching her. She looked up and saw that Raim had entered the room. He was hurrying forward now, eyes intent on the blond man who was back into a crouched position, panting heavily because of the fever. Raim was not expecting the man to turn out to be half demon since such things were quite rare nowadays because demons and humans hated each other. Demons slay any human that they lay their eyes upon without remorse. No doubt the blond man was the result of a poor woman getting raped by a demon.

 

To keep the half demon from harming anyone else in the room, Raim swiftly chanted a spell. The floor lit up around the blond man, magic symbols in a circle around him and he found himself stuck in place. He struggled against it, but because of the fever he was too weak to do much except force Raim to really keep his focus. Raim kept the spell up, starting a new one that would bring the half demon back to his senses. More magic symbols glowed upon the floor around the half demon and Raim extended his hand out, palm facing out towards the man. Streaks of black snaked their way around Raim's forearm as a round symbol appeared on the back of his hand. Similar black streaks could be seen snaking their way around the half demon's shirtless torso, down his arms, up his neck, and to his face. He struggled against it but the attempt was futile. The black streaks then seemed to lock in place on both of them and the power of the magic flared brightly, the force causing everyone in the room to step back and cover their faces.

The light then vanished, leaving Raim looking tired from that spell and the half demon laid on the floor unconscious the black streaks gone from his body. Everyone else in the room looked to Raim on what to do now and were then instructed to get the man back in his bed. They did as they were told as Raim walked out of the room, staring at the back of his hand where the round symbol was still visible.

 

 

When Cale woke next it was later that day after his fever broke. As he opened his eyes and saw the unfamiliar sight of a ceiling he became confused and turned his head to the side to look around.

 

"Ah, finally awake?" he heard a female voice say, noticing there was a woman sitting in a chair beside him.

 

"What?" he mumbled, trying to sit up but was struck by dizziness and became disoriented.

 

 

"Whoa there, don't get up," she said, easing him back down, "you just got over a fever. The wound on your back may be gone, but you shouldn't push yourself."

 

"Wound?" Cale inquired, trying to remember previous events and the memory of getting sliced deeply in his back came flooding to the front of his mind. He started to panic, but was distracted when the woman beside him gently stroked his face.

 

"Hey, stay calm, everything's alright. Raim rescued you from dying in some dark alleyway as well as kept you from losing yourself to you demon side. So remember to thank him when you see him," she explained.

 

Though it was a bit much for him to take in right after he woke up from being ill and wounded. Whoever this Raim person was however, Cale knew he owed a lot to him and would do anything to repay him. Cale was also a bit shocked to learn that he had started to lose himself to his demon side. His mother had made sure he stayed sane, being his support and encouragement. It seemed that the willingness to die and the fever that made his mind unclear was enough to let his demon side come forth. What confused Cale was the fact that all known half demons that went ballistic could not return to their human state of mind and were killed. So how did Raim manage to calm him?

 

"Here, drink this, it'll help," the woman beside him said, lifting his head up and placed a cup before his lips. Cale sipped at what was in the cup, finding out that the bitter taste was not pleasant but he knew there was no point in resisting. He managed to drink it all, the bitter taste left in his mouth. Luckily she gave him some water to wash his mouth with.

 

"My name is Rita, by the way," she said to him, "what's yours?"

 

"Cale," he answered

 

"It's nice to meet you Cale." She moved away from him to a table nearby with an assortment of items lying on top. Rita shuffled around with them as Cale watched before speaking.

 

"Who exactly is this Raim?" He asked, his curiosity getting the best of him.

 

"He's one of the best healers in this place," Rita began, obviously proud of that fact. "Hardly anyone has such a talent that he does and he's wise beyond his years. He can be a bit of a stick in the mud, but he's a really great guy."

 

"He sounds impressive," Cale replied, getting the image of an older man with graying hair.

Rita's head snapped up when she heard the door open to the room they were in. Cale turned to look at the door to see who had just walked in.

 

"Ah, speaking of which, this is Raim," Rita informed Cale as Raim made his way over to them.

 

It was not what Cale was expecting. He was a young boy with short black hair, hardly eighteen, who looked a bit thin, but his blue eyes held this seriousness that was usually above those his age. Cale stared up at the other in disbelief, but Rita's words of thanking Raim came to him. He really doubted she would lie about who Raim truly was and even if she did, he wasn't really in his right mind to make that kind of discernment.

 

"Thank you, Raim, I owe you a lot."

 

The words just tumbled from his mouth and Cale wondered if they were coherent. They were to him because he knew what he meant to say. Judging by their reactions he supposed it was coherent enough. Rita gave an approving smile, before looking to Raim who simply nodded in reply.

 

"Though, you weren't exactly what I was expecting."

This comment from Cale received a snicker from Rita and an annoyed glare from Raim shot towards both of them.

 

"Ah, that never ceases to amuse me. You'll never be able to escape that Raim," Rita teased, playfully nudging Raim who moved away from it.

 

"I know, despite what is said about me, I am only eighteen. However, age does not matter to me."

 

"Uh, right," Cale replied, a bit unsure where this conversation was going.

 

"That aside, it has been arranged for you to stay here and work for me."

 

This took Cale by surprise.

 

"Wait, what?"

 

"In order to pay for the medical treatment you will work for me. Since you are a half demon, you will stay here. We have a room that will be prepared for you. I assume you don't have anywhere else to go, and I doubt you want to go back to where you came from."

Well, Raim sure hit the nail on the head with that. Cale did not want to go back to where he had been, since it wasn't much of a home to go to. Being able to stay here was like a turning point in his life. These people helped and healed him and then go right on to give him work as well as a place to stay. It was more than he could ever ask for.

 

"Of course, thank you," he said, still taken away by this.

 

Raim nodded before turning abruptly and left the room. Cale watched the others' retreating figure only to be brought of his small trance by Rita's words.

 

"He really knows how to out-do himself."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"You can't figure that out? Raim sacrificed a lot for you."

 

"I'm sorry to be such a burden, but how exactly is he sacrificing a lot?"

 

"You don't know?" Rita inquired and Cale shook his head no. "Raim used a spell on you to keep your demon half under control; however it has tied him to you. Sort of like he's holding your leash."

 

"I've never heard of this before. I didn't think it was possible."

 

"It seems hardly anything is impossible for Raim, and as for the rest of your questions, they'll have to wait for later. You need to rest still." Rita stroked his hair soothingly before walking away from his bedside. Obviously there was no arguing that point so Cale just nodded in agreement and closed his eyes. Rita left the room, leaving him to mull over all he had been told.

 

* * *

 

When Cale reached the mess hall for breakfast, he found Raim talking with some others who worked at the research facility. Raim turned to face Cale when he noticed the other, his stern look intimidating even this early in the morning.

 

"Get breakfast to go and meet me at the stables," Raim instructed him before heading off without bothering to hear a word from Cale.

He was used to it though since Raim was always like this. Cale headed to the kitchen to grab some food to go before meeting Raim out by the stables. The horses were already packed and ready to go since Raim wasted no time.

 

"Where are we headed?" Cale asked, swinging his leg up and over the horse to get into the saddle.

 

"We're going to a nearby city that has some kind of disease going around. They've requested help, and so we're going to help them," Raim answered, beginning to lead the way on his horse as Cale followed after.

 

 

In their world, humans covered the majority of the continent, preferring to settle on fertile lands to grow crops and raise livestock. In each city, town, etc., a lord presided over the people. To keep the peace, there was a high king who presided over all. There is one big reason why humans didn't fight wars amongst themselves much and that is because of the threat of demons.

 

Demons were vicious creatures that came in all sorts of shapes and sizes, seen as nothing more than murderous monsters. For as long as they can remember, humans and demons have never lived in peace with each other. Where demons lived were harsh landscapes: desert, frozen, and barren landscapes. To humans, no matter when they meet a demon, the only way to settle the confrontation can be through bloodshed. However, the strength of a demon is greater than a human. The humans have managed to hold them back because of winning battle tactics and their mages.

 

Mages can be very deadly. They might not excel in physical strength but their magic is fast and they can learn many spells. Some struggle with utilizing their magic while some do it with ease. Usually, those with any talent for magic are found when they are young and taken to train at the nearest magical institute. Most of the time, they have a choice to go learn or not, but sometimes the talent in a young one is so great that they cannot let them go untrained. Not knowing how to use magic properly can destroy them as well as those around them. After being brought to a magic institute, they soon are allowed to visit their family. If their control on their magic is good enough, they are allowed to quit learning more magic. Though if the magic institute thinks someone should stay and learn no matter what, that person has no option but to stay.

 

Cale never had any talent for magic, while it seemed Raim was one of those with natural talent for it. Even though Cale had only been around Raim for about a month (during which he was recovering and learning how things worked) but already he could see how talented Raim was. Despite the mage's stuffy and bossy personality, Raim was reliable and smart. He may not have been a very warm person, but while he dealing with the sick in the town they just arrived in, he showed lots of patience.

 

"Cale," Raim said, now by him again, snapping Cale out of his daydream, "it seems some rat catchers have gone missing. Something is obviously off about all of this, and I plan to get to the bottom of it."

Cale nodded in reply, following Raim out of the building.

 

They were directed to the underground waterways by the townsfolk which was where the rat catchers had gone down into but then never came back. No one in the town wanted to look for them in fear of also becoming lost in there. When Raim said that they would, the townsfolk had no problem with sending them of course.

 

After acquiring a lantern, Raim and Cale headed down the ladder that led into the waterways. Some light managed to get in from the grates that were there for ventilation, and the lantern aided where it was darker. It did nothing for the smell though. They covered their mouths with their shirts, trying to stifle the horrible stench. The sound of wet and squishy things that echoed against the walls every time they took a step made Cale glad that he wore boots. He did not want to know what he was stepping on.

 

Rats scurried away when the light from their lantern threatened to shine on them, squeaking frantically. It was obvious these rat catchers weren't doing their jobs, though that was already a given. After sloshing through the muck of the sewers for awhile, they noticed a light from a fire being cast on the walls ahead and heard the faint sound of voices. Raim doused the fire in their lantern, darkness swiftly engulfing them. They crept forward as quietly as they could, listening as best they could to what was being said.

Edited April 23, 2012 by Kira1

[Neutual Demon]

Okay, this is what I think of the character's so far while I was reading it:

 

Cale: *at first* oh, he's a poor boy assassin forced to kill people because he has no one to love him. Aw. Oh look, he's now bleeding to death, poor him. *halfway* Wtf? He's an assassin AND a half demon?! Why am I even surprised by this?! *end* Wow, he really is a pushover. He lets people order him around without thinking twice.

 

Over all, Cale is the typical 'everything bad happened until...' type of person and somewhere in the story he's going to go bonkers again.

 

Raim: *beginning* Old man, maybe a grandfatherly type person.... *middle* OMG HE'S NOT EVEN EIGHTEEN?!! >.< *end* He's rather bossy... >.>

 

Raim is totally that prodigy kid who thinks he's better than everyone else and can boss them around like there's no tomorrow. He needs a good spanking. I don't like him.

 

Rita: *when she shows up* SHE'S TOTALLY GOING TO FALL FOR CALE, AND THEY'RE GOING TO GO OUT AND GET MARRIED AND HAVE TONS OF KIDS. Or she's going to die soon and break someone's heart.

 

Yeah, Rita... I don't have much to work out of.

 

Anyway, the story's pretty good. My hypothesis of this disease thing they're going after is some rare illness that spreads quickly and was caused by a big bad someone who'll probably be the main antagonist until he dies.

 

Sorry, I just had to rant. Sometimes I think of all these things for characters and get depressed or angry when they don't happen. Because seriously, some people just need to die a horrible, horrible death. >.<

[Tiffashy]

Awesome story! Keep up the great work!

 

I had the same thoughts as Neutual Demon. Also as if she/he could read my mind as I was reading this

[KrystalSharz]

Wow...this is good!

[Kira1]

Lol, thanks for the input guys~ >w<

 

Of course the characters are going to go through some major changes throughout the story. 'Cause it's boring when I can't be sadistic and make them suffer.

 

Go bonkers? I guess you could put it that way. Though I'm hoping when I have that kind of stuff happen it won't look like I'm forcing the scene and that the series of events will flow smoothly. And yeah, he kinda does, doesn't he? Well, the guy did save his life, so yeah. Even though he is what he is, Cale still has a sense of honor. If that makes sense.

 

Yeah, Raim is a prodigy, and bossy of course. He'll learn his lesson.

 

Guess what. He's not going to get with Rita! o3o I might kill her. IDK. I've got what's going to happen kinda planned out. Just the gist of what they're going to do.

 

Oh, the big bad one who you think spread the disease isn't that big of a deal. That's just their starting point to get them out into the world so I can through them into lots of horrible situations causing them to suffer. :3

 

Thanks for taking the time to read it~ If I post more of it I hope you'll take some time to read that too >w<

[Tiffashy]

Awww, spoilers much?

 

-Goes to my room and slams the door shut. Sits down on my bed and crys in my pillow- WHYYYYYYYYYY? -sobs loudly-

Just kiddingz just kiddingz.

 

Cannot wait in till the next part

[Kira1]

Lol, I'm glad you're looking forward to it, Tiffashy >w<

 

SoI wrote some more today and edited it into my first post.

[Neutual Demon]

Raim: "Oh no, the rat catchers are missing! My incredible magic-wielding senses are tingling! Go investigate, unintelligent underling!"

 

That's pretty much all I read. ;D

[Kira1]

Lol, thanks ND, that's great to hear.

 

And they're both going, not just Cale. Raim is the kind who takes care of things himself, but employs the help of others. He's a leader, dammit o3o

And well, wouldn't you be a bit curious? Rat catchers disappearing around the same time a weird disease is going around the city. Hm? Well?

[Tiffashy]

I felt a bit interested in the missing rat catchers but in the disease part i'm like "meh". We know nothing about the disease so I wouldn't see a reason why to be interested in it. Maybe add more info in the next part? ?

[Kira1]

Well of course more will be revealed as I go along in the story, but I gotta keep you hanging on in anticipation to see what happens next. :3 Make you want to read to find out, instead of just knowing what the plot line will be.

[Mangaholic]

I still haven't had the time to read through all of this yet, but at least I read all the way to the part where Cale got an affliction and made it to the facility. That's still something. xP

 

I have a couple of comments to give you, though, but don't worry! I'm not going to be a grammar nazi like I usually am. xP

 

This might just be my being dense (considering no one else noticed this), but the chronology of your story throws me off a bit.

In the second part, when Cale wakes up that morning, was that the morning following his near-death experience? I didn't think so, since the last sentence tells against that. But then in the next paragraph, you wrote, "After finding him, Raim brought Cale to Saint Catherine Medical Research Facility where Cale now did odd jobs for them to earn his keep."

I think your main problem is your use of tenses. I know this isn't a very thorough explanation (I don't have much time right now), so if you need me to do some explaining, just ask. ^^

 

Forever he would be in their debt for their kindness, especially Raim's because he saved Cale's life twice.

This part adds to my confusion as well. The introducing paragraph describes the first time that Raim saves Cale's life, right? Does that mean that the next section refers to the second time that Raim save Cale's life?

[Kira1]

*so oblivious* I didn't really notice that you had added some comments and I didn't answer it D: Well, as for the chronology of it all, I purposefully meant to jump around. But it's only for the beginning. I don't really know why. Though, I should get used to doing that kind of stuff and making it understandable and not confusing. So yeah.

I think I get what you're saying. Since I wrote it, everything makes perfect sense to me! lol

So, I'll re-read it and see if I notice what you're noticing. If not, we'll have to do the best we can in explaining things. :3

 

edit: But I think I see what you mean already. By the time you see this, I'll probably have changed it ^^

 

edit2: as for the saving his life twice, you have to keep reading : D Cale counts Raim stopping him from going demon crazy as saving his life.

Edited April 23, 2012 by Kira1