Critique Please?

[sarrepta1]

Hello there all. Lately, I've been thinking about working on writing a book. I have ideas for two: one a crime/mystery and the other a psychological horror. But I don't want to start working on them yet. Instead I want to practice on my writing skills, and I am currently seeking ANY kind of feedback (it doesn't matter WHAT kind of tone you use, or if your nice or rude). Just GIVE ME SOME FEEDBACK! I really need it to practice. For practice, I wrote a short story about Dragon Cave. Please be very honest in your critiques. Don't lie about liking it if you don't. If you dislike my writing, I won't be offended. I will be glad that I at least have someone talking about it. MAH STORY:

 

After the misty gray clouds decanted the rain encased within them, the inhabitants of the DC lands were driven from their homes by excitement and relief. It had been weeks since the last rainfall, and the previous days were bursting with scorching heat that seemed to make even the moist earth to sizzle. The rain was continuous since morning, where it was finally released after waiting for its freedom to drop freely from the clouds and to the newly-foggy ground below it.

The human life in this area was especially relieved for the storm’s arrival. The first two days of the strong heat were not minded, but the third day had suddenly exploded into a festival of excessive burning temperatures. This new change had limited their hunting. Hunting? Yes, they were indeed dragon collectors.

 

The afternoon was still cool and the air hung moist fog as if they were leaves on a tree. Yet it was not raining. The humans did not care whether or not they would get wet, they just wanted a break from the very long party the hot weather was throwing. And now was a perfect time for hunting. One by one, each hunter emerged from their homes and hurried gleefully towards the main cave, the most famous location of the DC lands.

Eggs littered the ground, some newly laid and others near-death. Children and new residents of the DC lands merrily picked up some of the more plentiful egg types and placed them securely in their packs, and walked off. Others were vigilantly studying the eggs in the front of the cave. Off to the side lay hordes of adult dragons, most of them sleeping soundly. Some of them had eggs or hatchlings at their sides, playfully romping about. A couple of fully awake and aware dragons observed the humans’ every move, making sure that none of them would dare go too close to their own babies. The most striking dragon was a female with a beautiful golden hide. Sniffing the air for a final check of enemies, the female Gold relaxed her breaths and placed her head on the ground to sleep. From behind her was a group of Gold hatchlings that looked just as beautiful as she was. Her charming blue eyes shifted towards the hatchlings. One of them was toying with a clutch of Gold eggs. The female’s tail lifted quickly at the sight and gently brushed the air, warning the hatchling to leave her eggs alone. The more mature hatchlings snorted in agreed annoyance of its siblings actions. In all, there were four eggs and five hatchlings that belonged to this picturesque dragon.

A human, what looked like a teenage boy, was watching the female Gold. He was quite impressed with her, but what really caught his attention was the younglings. His dark brown eyes were glued to the sight of the grace in the hatchlings and their glorious shiny hues. He admired the stunningly-crafted eggs that lay in a position where they were leaning perfectly against each other. Distracted by the beauty, he took a couple of reckless steps towards the playing dragons. Just as he reached a very close distance from them, the mother dragon’s eyelids burst open. Awakened by the human’s loud footsteps, the angered dragon raised her head to identify this trespasser. She exhaled loudly. She had never seen him before, nor did she recognize his scent. Perhaps he was new to this place. The female Gold’s lips curled up and a deep, throaty growl rumbled from her mouth. This was his only warning. The human’s eyes blasted open and showed fear. Immediately, he left the dragon’s presence. In return, the mother dragon gave out a short snort in acceptance, and then rested her head down again.

 

But her contact with people did not stop that day. Fifteen minutes after the boy had left, a group of humans, seemingly about ten, halted their traveling and stared at the dragons. Frustrated, the mother Gold cast her gaze towards these intruders so she could smell them. Unlike the boy, however, these people had the scent of dragons all over them. She realized that they were dragon collectors, and they most likely each had several of them. The thought of what these people where immensely repelled the dragon. She had seen how collectors behaved, and she greatly disliked their behaviors towards dragons. She had seen them fighting to get eggs and hatchlings in countless silly ways, and she thought of them as fools. Overall, she did not want them near her kids. She snarled furiously, showing how fierce she was. Some of them backed up, but none backed down. They continued staring at the family of dragons. She growled the same deep throaty growl she had addressed towards the boy, only this time a bit more demanding. The group of humans did not move an inch. Puffs of smoke drifted from the female Gold’s nostrils. They did not seem to notice. The female dragon noticed that their eyes had suddenly become unblinking. Confused, she examined them closer. Then it hit her: they were not interested in her, but instead their curiosity lingered around the eggs and hatchlings. This realization instantly drove her to drag her tail in front of her children, shielding them. The humans looked up at the female Gold in irritation.

Yes, I am a Gold Dragon. Yes, these are my offspring. No, you can’t have any of them. Now shoo. Off you go, the dragon said stressfully in telepathy. None of the humans responded or moved. Well, one of them pulled a sword from his belt. He swung it towards the dragon as if he were trying to tell her to get out of the way. Infuriated by the shiny silver blade flashing at her, the mother Gold stood up on her legs to reveal her massive size. Slobbering white fangs sprang from her jaws and out came a wrathful roar. Foolishly, the human continued swinging the sword. She dodged every blow, although this caused her to miss every snap she sent at him. The human began to walk around the dragon, still slashing at her. The mother dragon turned around with him. Their eyes were locked on each other, each casting penetrating gazes, daring the other to look away. If only the dragon had paid more attention towards her now vulnerable babies, she would have known of the drama going on over there. But that soon became public to her. Right before she could send another snap at the human, the mother dragon’s turn was interrupted by a sudden cry. Her head spun around to the location of her offspring. What she saw alerted her more than ever: a female human was holding her bloodied wrist in pain. This person had tried to steal a hatchling, only to get bit by the sharply carved fangs of a terrified young dragon. Completely ignoring the sword-wielding human, the female dragon lunged at the girl. Frightened, the girl watched the fierce dragon with startled eyes for a second, and then quickly snatched an egg from the clutch and took off at a menacingly fast speed. Unfortunately for this girl, she was not quick enough; the dragon’s long tail whipped out swifter than the blink of an eye and whacked her down. The other humans screamed in terror. The force of the whack had crushed her to death. The others stared at her lifeless body.

But something else had gone wrong. Something that would the female Gold aflame in extreme anger. Maybe even ten, or even a thousand times worse than extreme anger. The gaze everyone gave towards the sight of the dead human moved on to the egg beside her. What remained of the Gold egg was fragments of the shell that littered the ground.

Everyone turned around and looked at the dragon. Her eyes were bloodshot and her nostrils flared. Her fangs, which had to be at least the size of a steak knife, tore themselves open and her lower jaw twitched in aggressiveness. Her wings were lifted into the air and she slowly began to stand up on her hind legs. Her tail swayed back and forth furiously. Like a raging bull, the female dragon stormed with pure fury towards the humans. They all scampered off in different directions, all of them squealing and yelping pathetically. The dragon’s wings flapped into a two second flight before landing in front of the younglings again. Innocent bystanders also took of shrieking for help. Tears of fear ran down their cheeks.

Suddenly, the dragon halted for a moment. She relaxed herself and fixed her gaze on the helpless and terrified people. Her lips curled upward, as if she were laughing at the creatures cowering over her strength and fierceness.

Calming herself, the mother dragon trotted towards her quaking babies. They all looked up at her, whimpering. Soothing them, she purred and nuzzled they young ones and reminded them of the love she had for them all.

 

And that, folks, is why you should leave the sleeping dragons in front of the cave alone.

Edited August 23, 2012 by sarrepta1

[sarrepta1]

Bump? Critique pleaaaaaaaaasseee?

[chee]

Decanted means a gently rain, or that the ground wasn’t disturbed but then you go on to say it was a storm.

 

“seemed to make even the moist earth to sizzle” this is an awkward sentence, and if it’s been dry the earth won’t be moist.

 

“Hunting? Yes they were indeed dragon collectors.” No reason for the question, and the sentence acts like we should know what dragon collectors are and what they do. You could simply state that they were dragon collectors and explain why the rain hinders them.

 

“The afternoon was still cool and the air hung moist fog as if they were leaves on a tree.” Confusing, I think you meant to say the air hung ‘like’ moist fog.

 

“Gold relaxed her breaths and placed her head on the ground.” Breaths??

 

“The more mature hatchlings snorted in agreed annoyance of its siblings actions.” Replace its with their.

 

“Something that would the female Gold aflame in extreme anger.” You’re missing words in here and it makes the sentence awkward.

 

“She purred and nuzzled they young ones.” You mean 'the' not they.

 

Overall you have talent, write more and practice more to help with some of the awkward and inexperience sounding sentences. Also you mean for someone to give you a serious critique so please do not start off with “MAH STORY” it’s very unprofessional and a little irritating.

 

If you want proof of my credentials on why I should critique your story or why you should listen to me, I run a story that is posted here on the forums, and I write books.

 

[sarrepta1]

Thank you very much with your reply. I appreciate your time and perhaps if I have some freetime and if I remember I'll edit the original post.