The Twin Servant

[Sparx1996]

I'm writing this play for my drama club at school. As i write it, I'd like the great people here to do two things:

 

1) Give me advice on story and editing (that fits with the song "Servant of Evil")

2) Not to be an ass and complain about how I'm not that good at playwriting.

 

I have a general idea of how I want to finish off, but I need a little help getting there.

 

(HINT: Haley has to die. It's unavoidable. And she must be in the place of the princess while the townspeople think she's the princess.)

 

Here is the Google Docs link to the play. I will change it as a new scene is finished.

 

Refer to this post as a new scene is completed. I will post updates within the thread, but I will not repost the link.

 

Thanks!

Edited January 15, 2012 by Sparx1996

[lachrymation]

Ahhah Servant of Evil~ Love that series of MVs...

 

I'm not sure if this is advice, but did you watch the others? I mean, Daughter of Evil, Regret Message, RE. Birthday, Daughter of Vengeance, those others...?

 

And... also, I wanted to read it, but unfortunately I don't have Microsoft Word 2007. Do you think maybe you can... upload it onto Google docs, or something...? If not, then it's okay, I'm fine.

[Daypaw]

Mothy (the writer of the songs) has actually written a play based on the song series already that was performed in Japan.

 

I don't know what exactly you're going for, so I'll leave this;

 

If you're trying to take the song it's self and translate it into a play, then so far it's going along just fine, though the line "It ain’t your choice, kid" doesn't seem to fit with the language that's being used throughout the rest of the introduction. If you're trying to create something original based on the concept, then unfortunately I don't think you're succeeding here as thus far it's just a literal interpretation of the song still using derivatives of the name Rin and Len.

[Sparx1996]

@ lachrymation: I have seen most & I'll try to get it up on GDocs asap.

 

@ Daypaw: hmm i see what you mean. I'm going for original based on the song. I had it as Rachael and Liam at first. I'll change it back

[Daypaw]

You could still give them the names Rae and Li if you wanted childhood nicknames. If you're working on something original, I would also try to avoid following the song quite so closely. Perhaps give them a different background? Instead of the parents splitting up and taking one each, what if they were instead distant niece/nephew to the crown and the legitimate heir passed away? Instead of the parents, it could be extended family and diplomatic matters that forces them apart if they only wanted one child growing up in the palace.

 

If you want to avoid making the green war link that leads to the ultimate downfall too similar, perhaps there is something else the princess wants instead of a boy? Perhaps she wants a rare artifact, or her country is religion A and the neighboring country is religion B and she starts a crusade over some sort of petty insult.

 

There's thousands of directions you can go with it :3 You could also have a prince instead of a princess, though you would have to be careful about how you portrayed that as the gender dynamic would change things a bit. You could also use twin boys or twin girls- using twins of the same gender would help separate it further from the song, and especially twin females would retain a bit of the same dynamic and feel.

[Sparx1996]

advice taken and shall be incorporated

[Daypaw]

You'll have to post an updated link when you get more written <3~ I'd love to see how it turns out.

[Sparx1996]

BUMP

[Sparx1996]

The link has been updated, and major changes have been made. i only have a little bit of scene 3 done, however, so don't think thats all, folks!

[dragcave:D]

in scene one, what do you mean by lush furniture? i figure lush is usually a word associated with plants. maybe something like expensive furniture? i know it's not actually part of the scene, but it'll probably confuse less people (me >.<)

when adult1 first speaks, i think it should be her instead of him if the adult's talking about the other princess

haley's waited 12 years and she's fourteen to open it right? but that means she's two and i don't think a twoyearold could really talk, make a crown, or break free from an adult

Edited September 10, 2011 by dragcave:D

[Sparx1996]

it would be she i changed it so that it was two girls, like Daypaw suggested. lush means expensive, fluffy, and cushy. and you obviously havent seen the three year olds (they're fifteen, need to change that too) i have

[dragcave:D]

mmkay. i think it's really good! keep working at it

[Sparx1996]

Act I Has now been completed! I am moderately proud of how this is turning out!

[dragcave:D]

in one of the last sentences, Rachel asks "How would you like to be my person servant and advisor?" it should be personal. other than that, it's good

[Sparx1996]

@Dragcave : yes it should thank you for pointing that out.

 

THE LINK HAS BEEN UPDATED PPLZ!!!

Edited November 4, 2012 by Sparx1996

[Sparx1996]

The link has been updated. I have not been able to get much done because of school work, but i am trying my best.

[Sparx1996]

Link has been updated and the Formatting has changed.

[Sparx1996]

The Twin Servant has been updated.

 

Act II is almost complete!

Edited December 8, 2011 by Sparx1996

[Sparx1996]

act II is complete now

[CandyRaid]

Servant of Evil?

 

Oh god. The song is so sad. I can't stand it. T-T

 

EDIT: Oh god, I just read the play. I nearly cried

 

Go be a playwright right now.

Edited January 15, 2012 by CandyRaid

[Sparx1996]

you cried, and yet i havent gotten to the execution. emotional

[CandyRaid]

Yeah, im terrible at holding back emotions generated from reading. I must have read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ten times over and i still cry over it.

[Sparx1996]

the link is updated for the end of Act II

I apologize to those of you who have been waiting forever for this. I promise the final acts will come faster than 2 did.