Welcome Guest, Please Read This.

Thank you again. And just to not I am not color blind, speaking of which i love your color coding, If I could do that when i revise my english teacher would love me even more , er hm, any ways, and it's also earllllyyyy morning for me... and I have gotten no sleep tonight O.o It's about 6:27 am where I'm at

For the first part in blue I changed it a bit, but it was kinda an important point that she was one fourth indian, I just had to loop it in there somehow so I also added the part of the grandma. But I did make it flow a bit better and subtracted the mom part.

And other than that I think I implemented most of your ideas Now maybe I should get to sleep before I try to edit and crash on the computer making a lot of gibberish like this
aoiehgiojoajfdhogijeiofajhfhqpihaufajdkf;ddf;a

Hey again!

Okay.

More edits...

The teens and kids weren't actively doing anything towards the girl yet. The "also" suggests they were glaring at her in addition to something else. Since they were simply "looking at her vehemently", I don't think the "also" is required.

Commas are pauses or breaks in the sentence... or in this case, are used to separate items of a list. Some of your... items... have commas that connect the same idea and are not being used to separate between one power to the next... Again, semicolons might be your best friend. Um... typed it into google for a definition of what I'm talking about... (link).

Pretty much... um... something like this? Maybe...

They include dream walking; telekinesis; teleportation between the place where you live now, and the tribe where, if you're accepted, you'll live as well; and summoning of either your family, those in your clan, or even your spirit animal; as well as some other powers.

I would consider making this its own paragraph.
"signify's" should be "signifies"

There's a lot of "alsos" here. How about combining the first and last sentences (the blue stuff) together? So it reads something like:

"Familiars tend to be stronger and faster than their normal counterparts. They also can grow larger or smaller at will, but this tires them out."

I think it might help the flow...

----
Right, so that's all I'm going to point out. I recommend reading your RP write-up all the way through for yourself, just to make sure you've included everything you want to include & it makes sense. Fuss with it a little here and there... just have fun.

If you make some additional edits or tweaks of your own, a few things to watch out for:
> There vs Their
> Your vs. You're
> Possessive nouns vs regular plural nouns & s or ies ending verbs
> Punctuation
> Really long lists
> Overuse of the word "also" consecutively
> Starting too many sentences the same way ((personal preference))
> Shifting POV mid sentence (point of views - Third Person Limited, Third Person Omniscient, Third Person Narrative; First Person; Second Person)
> Tenses (Past, Present, Future)

So yeah.. hope that helps! I now return you to the care of more qualified critquers and actual approvers.

Good luck!
--Kigy

Thank you very much

Thanks for helping Soup Nazi, but there are some points I'd like to point out of why there there. Using Indian, instead of Native American, also let's rp'ers know that they can use Indian instead of native american whenever they reference it in there posts, but I will change it i guess since your the second person to tell me to. The notes are made to make the info flow better, but add points that need to be known. The flow could be disrupted if I try and put them in. They also can just wait till they get to the end and note the points. I will not change the note way since as I said, I don't think I can work those points in without disrupting the whole flow. The info you say is unneeded IS needed. It points out that your char MUST be at least 1/4 Indian/native american to get there early on. As well as it points out that the girl is white in color, or as it can be any ethnicity, I might subtract the reference that she could tell by their skin color. Also, as I just learned RECENTLY in English, punctuation's are supposed to be OUTSIDE quotes on the last sentence, since it is a part of the previous sentence being ended. I have already gone over this with someone else. It is proper grammar. Also, it would be common sense to assume that if all people in the tribe were speaking it and could obviously understand, and that she did not know, it was their native language. And with the "he said no more" It was supposed to be kinda mysterious, it also points out she found it abrupt that he didn't explain anything else on what she was supposed to do.

Actually, no. Whoever taught you that punctuation goes outside of quotation marks, at any part of the sentence, was completely wrong. Punctuation always goes inside of the quotation marks.

alright I'll change stuff. Also I did have a unique note system, astricks, but they were way more confusing then numbers. I will change the first post more soon, but right now I'm eating and don't have the time

Alright as well as a bump I'd like to note I changed what needed to be changed, and this rp is officially more than 2 weeks old. I will now approve characters and we can start.

K changed

The whole plot is that they are supposed to adapt to life in the tribe, while combining their life in the real world with it, while fending off mythical creatures, humans, jealous rejected shamans, and regular animals. Not every good RP needs a definite "Oh there's this big boss guy you gotta find/find out about then find and beat!" or something. Maybe I'll throw in some big mythical creature that is causing big problems that they need to find, but there is no definite foe for the whole RP. And why don't I spell out character? Cause I have a hard time spelling that word >.> Also Main should be capalized, Realm also did though it is referring to it as a different dimension, so a place. NPC's is plural. As in more than one NPC, because it can be their FAMILY not just one member So their whole family could be NPC's.

This post has been edited by akiraa on Apr 23 2012, 04:49 PM

ah, and I added a plot summary to the bottom of the plot section

(Yes please!)

Okay, approved! Have fun roleplaying.

(Oh come on T.T People join please...)

I might join later, but I'm currently busy.

(Alright)

I'll join sometime tomorrow, just wandering is there a possibily you can make up a list of rules for characters, like a law. For example, it is against the law to kill another Spirit animal person(or whatever they are called)

(Shaman, and the spirit animals wouldn't accept them if they would kill someone like that.)

(KK)

Hello! I think I'm supposed to PM you my join form?

That's what I did.