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> Spirit Animal, Need A LOT of new chars.! Please!
akiraa
Posted: Apr 8 2012, 07:36 AM
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QUOTE (Kigyptnee @ Apr 8 2012, 04:41 AM)
((Quotes aren't working, so I'm going to italicize quoted text. Hope it isn't too confusing... I also made some color references, so if you're colorblind, let me know, so I can change the way I phrase a few things...))
---------

Alright! The notes do seem cleaner now, there's significantly fewer spelling mistakes, and the added bit about the spirit animals and their connection to their shaman is a fantastic addition! I think it's definitely looking better! xd.png



LOL biggrin.gif
---
Now for more edits! Woo hoo! laugh.gif



"is" should probably be changed to "was" so that the sentence is written past tense like the rest of the paragraph.

The comma between "park" and "or forest clearing" doesn't *seem* necessary...

The stuff in blue... really seems out of place. The previous sentence already states the group of teens and children were all Indian. The girl suddenly musing over her own heritage doesn't really do anything to further the plot; it's just extra information floating about. Personally, I would recommend cutting that little blurb out of the plot set-up and adding it to your actual character's write-up instead.



I think it would flow better without the stuff in red.
It also might be a good idea to be more specific on who "their" is in this sentence, especially since "their" includes *you* now. Here's an idea:

"If you are accepted you are welcomed as either a brother or sister, gain your new/true name, understand and speak the Pohakanten language, and are led to the tribe."



Too many "ands" in my opinion. Maybe simplify it to something like, "It is a rather odd mix of old and new," or "ancient and modern lifestyle" etc. etc. The "and homes" part doesn't seem to be enough of a strong point of interest to warrant special mention in this sentence.

[s]You are taken and get a tattoo on the back of your neck that signify's what clan your in, which depends on your spirit animal.[/quote]

"your" should be "you're".
Oh, and as a sidenote, I'm a little surprised the tattoos don't magically appear after the spirit animal accepts them. tongue.gif



I like the new ideas... although its almost... repetitive. Would you be able to mesh these ideas together a bit? Um... like...

"The whole tribe looks like a regular town, but is divided into separate individual clans which all cohabit together peacefully."

Or something... *cough* That may have been a bit too wordy... dry.gif Ah, well, it's just an example, I guess...



Alrighty! I would change the comma between "powers" and "everybody" into a semicolon. "You then learn of your powers," is the BIG, MEATY, MAIN OVERARCHING idea of the entire paragraph and could theoretically stand on its own as its own sentence. Everything else after that magical point is elaboration of that same GIANT idea. Woot! Isn't that awesome? ((Sorry if my explanation is cruddy. heh heh.. *shrugs*))

The POV changes when it gets to the list - the subject in question is no longer *you* but *everybody* so the word choice should reflect that. "your" changed to "their", "you" to "they" --> "the ability to summon either their spirit animal for help, those in their clan for help, or if their family gets accepted also they can summon..."

I would get rid of the stuff in red. It's not really needed and lets face it, the sentence is long enough as it is without the additional information thrown in.

The purple "you" should be "your".

"Familiar's" should be "Familiars" as its not possessive in that instance.

The stuff in orange is a cool idea. I would probably combine it a little bit more so there isn't as many commas. Maybe even rephrase it to something as simple as...

"They also can grow larger or smaller at will, but this tires them out."

It's really however you want to word it. It could be left as it is... with one minor recommended change... "shrinks" to "shrink".



This part of the paragraph goes into a whole new idea. It might be a good idea to separate these thoughts from the "powers" paragraph and make it its own paragraph.

~-~-~-~

And.... that's it for now. Hope at least some of these ideas help - you don't have to use/follow all of them (or any of them if you really don't like any of the ideas ) . Up to you. smile.gif

Hope you're having a wonderful day/morning/evening~
--Kigy

Thank you again. And just to not I am not color blind, speaking of which i love your color coding, If I could do that when i revise my english teacher would love me even more xd.png, er hm, any ways, and it's also earllllyyyy morning for me... and I have gotten no sleep tonight O.o It's about 6:27 am where I'm at xd.png

For the first part in blue I changed it a bit, but it was kinda an important point that she was one fourth indian, I just had to loop it in there somehow so I also added the part of the grandma. But I did make it flow a bit better and subtracted the mom part.

And other than that I think I implemented most of your ideas xd.png Now maybe I should get to sleep before I try to edit and crash on the computer making a lot of gibberish like this
aoiehgiojoajfdhogijeiofajhfhqpihaufajdkf;ddf;a

xd.png
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Kigyptnee
Posted: Apr 8 2012, 04:45 PM
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Hey again! xd.png

QUOTE
For the first part in blue I changed it a bit, but it was kinda an important point that she was one fourth indian, I just had to loop it in there somehow so I also added the part of the grandma. But I did make it flow a bit better and subtracted the mom part.


Okay. smile.gif

More edits...

QUOTE
The teens and kids were also looking at her vehemently.


The teens and kids weren't actively doing anything towards the girl yet. The "also" suggests they were glaring at her in addition to something else. Since they were simply "looking at her vehemently", I don't think the "also" is required.

QUOTE
The regular ones are ones we all have. They include dream walking, telekinesis, teleportation between the place where you live now, and the tribe where, if you're accepted, you'll live as well, and summoning of either your family, those in your clan, or even your spirit animal, as well as some other powers.


Commas are pauses or breaks in the sentence... or in this case, are used to separate items of a list. Some of your... items... have commas that connect the same idea and are not being used to separate between one power to the next... unsure.gif Again, semicolons might be your best friend. Um... typed it into google for a definition of what I'm talking about... (link).

Pretty much... um... something like this? Maybe...

They include dream walking; telekinesis; teleportation between the place where you live now, and the tribe where, if you're accepted, you'll live as well; and summoning of either your family, those in your clan, or even your spirit animal; as well as some other powers.

QUOTE
If you are accepted you are welcomed as either a brother or sister, gain your new/true name, understand and speak the Pohakanten language, and are led to the tribe. The tribe is a rather odd mix of ancient and modern lifestyle. You are taken and get a tattoo on the back of your neck that signify's what clan you're in, which depends on your spirit animal. You are then led to the section of the tribe that your clan resides in. The whole tribe looks like a regular town, but is divided into separate individual clans which all cohabit together peacefully.


I would consider making this its own paragraph.
"signify's" should be "signifies"

QUOTE
Familiars are stronger than their normal counterparts. They also can grow larger or smaller at will, but this tires them out. They also tend to be faster.


There's a lot of "alsos" here. How about combining the first and last sentences (the blue stuff) together? So it reads something like:

"Familiars tend to be stronger and faster than their normal counterparts. They also can grow larger or smaller at will, but this tires them out."

I think it might help the flow... tongue.gif

----
Right, so that's all I'm going to point out. biggrin.gif I recommend reading your RP write-up all the way through for yourself, just to make sure you've included everything you want to include & it makes sense. Fuss with it a little here and there... just have fun. cool.gif

If you make some additional edits or tweaks of your own, a few things to watch out for:
> There vs Their
> Your vs. You're
> Possessive nouns vs regular plural nouns & s or ies ending verbs
> Punctuation
> Really long lists blink.gif
> Overuse of the word "also" consecutively
> Starting too many sentences the same way ((personal preference))
> Shifting POV mid sentence (point of views - Third Person Limited, Third Person Omniscient, Third Person Narrative; First Person; Second Person)
> Tenses (Past, Present, Future)

So yeah.. hope that helps! laugh.gif I now return you to the care of more qualified critquers and actual approvers. wub.gif

Good luck!
--Kigy
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 9 2012, 06:21 PM
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QUOTE (Kigyptnee @ Apr 8 2012, 04:45 PM)
Hey again! xd.png



Okay. smile.gif

More edits...



The teens and kids weren't actively doing anything towards the girl yet. The "also" suggests they were glaring at her in addition to something else. Since they were simply "looking at her vehemently", I don't think the "also" is required.



Commas are pauses or breaks in the sentence... or in this case, are used to separate items of a list. Some of your... items... have commas that connect the same idea and are not being used to separate between one power to the next... unsure.gif Again, semicolons might be your best friend. Um... typed it into google for a definition of what I'm talking about... (link).

Pretty much... um... something like this? Maybe...

They include dream walking; telekinesis; teleportation between the place where you live now, and the tribe where, if you're accepted, you'll live as well; and summoning of either your family, those in your clan, or even your spirit animal; as well as some other powers.



I would consider making this its own paragraph.
"signify's" should be "signifies"



There's a lot of "alsos" here. How about combining the first and last sentences (the blue stuff) together? So it reads something like:

"Familiars tend to be stronger and faster than their normal counterparts. They also can grow larger or smaller at will, but this tires them out."

I think it might help the flow... tongue.gif

----
Right, so that's all I'm going to point out. biggrin.gif I recommend reading your RP write-up all the way through for yourself, just to make sure you've included everything you want to include & it makes sense. Fuss with it a little here and there... just have fun. cool.gif

If you make some additional edits or tweaks of your own, a few things to watch out for:
> There vs Their
> Your vs. You're
> Possessive nouns vs regular plural nouns & s or ies ending verbs
> Punctuation
> Really long lists blink.gif
> Overuse of the word "also" consecutively
> Starting too many sentences the same way ((personal preference))
> Shifting POV mid sentence (point of views - Third Person Limited, Third Person Omniscient, Third Person Narrative; First Person; Second Person)
> Tenses (Past, Present, Future)

So yeah.. hope that helps! laugh.gif I now return you to the care of more qualified critquers and actual approvers. wub.gif

Good luck!
--Kigy

Thank you very much biggrin.gif
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 14 2012, 06:42 PM
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QUOTE (soupnazi @ Apr 14 2012, 10:23 AM)
Hi! I'm soupnazi and I'll be doing some critique on your roleplay today.



If "Indian" means "Native American", it seems to me that just saying "Native American" would be simpler. Furthermore, your notes are difficult to use; since the notes are at the very end of the roleplay, and the numbers appear elsewhere in the roleplay, one has to either scroll all the way down and find the appropriate note or wade through all the repeats when using a CTRL F search.



This information is unnecessary for the topic at hand, as well as being clunky; all it does is slow down the roleplay, especially since I never questioned why she knew they were Native American (it's my understanding that most Americans know this).



Is the narrator here omniscient (all-knowing) or limited (directly following the perspective of the main character)? Because if it's to be limited, "native language" should be "a foreign language" or something along those lines.

Your dialogue has its end periods outside of the quotation marks (i.e. "blah blah blah".). They need to be inside the quotation marks (i.e. "blah blah blah.").



If the narration doesn't mention any other dialogue, it means he didn't say anything else. Specifically saying that he didn't speak is redundant.

Thanks for helping Soup Nazi, but there are some points I'd like to point out of why there there. Using Indian, instead of Native American, also let's rp'ers know that they can use Indian instead of native american whenever they reference it in there posts, but I will change it i guess since your the second person to tell me to. The notes are made to make the info flow better, but add points that need to be known. The flow could be disrupted if I try and put them in. They also can just wait till they get to the end and note the points. I will not change the note way since as I said, I don't think I can work those points in without disrupting the whole flow. The info you say is unneeded IS needed. It points out that your char MUST be at least 1/4 Indian/native american to get there early on. As well as it points out that the girl is white in color, or as it can be any ethnicity, I might subtract the reference that she could tell by their skin color. Also, as I just learned RECENTLY in English, punctuation's are supposed to be OUTSIDE quotes on the last sentence, since it is a part of the previous sentence being ended. I have already gone over this with someone else. It is proper grammar. Also, it would be common sense to assume that if all people in the tribe were speaking it and could obviously understand, and that she did not know, it was their native language. And with the "he said no more" It was supposed to be kinda mysterious, it also points out she found it abrupt that he didn't explain anything else on what she was supposed to do.
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Dr. Paine
Posted: Apr 14 2012, 07:10 PM
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Actually, no. Whoever taught you that punctuation goes outside of quotation marks, at any part of the sentence, was completely wrong. Punctuation always goes inside of the quotation marks.
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 15 2012, 11:35 AM
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alright I'll change stuff. Also I did have a unique note system, astricks, but they were way more confusing then numbers. I will change the first post more soon, but right now I'm eating and don't have the time smile.gif
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 21 2012, 07:35 PM
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Alright as well as a bump I'd like to note I changed what needed to be changed, and this rp is officially more than 2 weeks old. I will now approve characters and we can start.
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 22 2012, 06:15 PM
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K changed biggrin.gif
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 23 2012, 05:39 PM
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QUOTE (soupnazi @ Apr 23 2012, 10:17 AM)

Your "plot" section has no plot. What is going on in the roleplay, aside from the characters just running around doing not much of anything?

The whole plot is that they are supposed to adapt to life in the tribe, while combining their life in the real world with it, while fending off mythical creatures, humans, jealous rejected shamans, and regular animals. Not every good RP needs a definite "Oh there's this big boss guy you gotta find/find out about then find and beat!" or something. Maybe I'll throw in some big mythical creature that is causing big problems that they need to find, but there is no definite foe for the whole RP. And why don't I spell out character? Cause I have a hard time spelling that word >.> Also Main should be capalized, Realm also did though xd.png it is referring to it as a different dimension, so a place. NPC's is plural. As in more than one NPC, because it can be their FAMILY not just one member xd.png So their whole family could be NPC's.

This post has been edited by akiraa on Apr 23 2012, 05:49 PM
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 24 2012, 03:52 PM
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ah, and I added a plot summary to the bottom of the plot section
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 25 2012, 03:54 PM
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(Yes please!)
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soupnazi
Posted: Apr 26 2012, 09:02 AM
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Okay, approved! Have fun roleplaying. smile.gif
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 29 2012, 01:54 PM
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(Oh come on T.T People join please...)
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thegreenrobby
Posted: Apr 29 2012, 04:18 PM
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I might join later, but I'm currently busy.
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 29 2012, 08:35 PM
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(Alright)
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Dewspirit
Posted: Apr 30 2012, 01:02 AM
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I'll join sometime tomorrow, just wandering is there a possibily you can make up a list of rules for characters, like a law. For example, it is against the law to kill another Spirit animal person(or whatever they are called)
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akiraa
Posted: May 2 2012, 08:06 PM
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(Shaman, and the spirit animals wouldn't accept them if they would kill someone like that.)
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akiraa
Posted: May 3 2012, 05:45 PM
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(KK)
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_Swoop_
Posted: May 5 2012, 06:31 AM
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Hello! I think I'm supposed to PM you my join form?
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tigerra79
Posted: May 5 2012, 07:42 AM
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That's what I did.
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