Posted May 31, 2010 (edited) LoveLost is co-leader. Obey all she commands. At one time the land of Etano was peaceful; the tribes of the Pegasi did not fight amongst themselves then. The valley of Alncar was beautiful. There were trees that grew taller than the great redwoods; the plants were alive and filled with beauty, especially in the evening when a single touch brought them to glowing life. Sadly all this changed when the Shadok tribe's leader, Gortonar, was killed by an assassin. With a note tacked onto the door of his room by a gray shafted arrow, the tribe was led to believe that the assassin was a member of the Nike tribe. The son of the leader, Adlai Shadokson, however, didn't believe this treacherous lie and mourned the loss of his beloved father and the loss of peace. The Shadok tribe was peaceful like the others, but at other times, they would attack without warning and would seem to enjoy every moment of it; when they attacked the Nike tribe, they had no second thoughts. Ever since then the tribes have been at war with each other every day and every night without any sort of respite. Emrai, princess of the Nike tribe, knew that this was not true and set out to find the assassin. After too long she realized it was hopeless, and now fights for her people to end the war. One fateful day, Emrai and Adlai met. Emrai had been marked a traitor by her own people for killing her younger brother Kipchou. This was, of course, a lie and she hunted down the real killer, which is how she came across Adlai. Adlai had been hunting down an assassin that had been sent to kill him that day and met her at the river but they soon fought. After fighting and calling it a draw, Emrai healed a wound Adlai had gotten from an earlier fight with the assassin, out of sympathy and guilt. Using magic was not normal for her and she collapsed from fatigue. Adlai took her back to his camp and allowed her to rest until she was fit again. She was fit to leave but she stayed a little longer. One night Adlai told her he loved her, and she said the same in turn. They joined together and made their own army to cease the fighting. It was soon to be revealed that they would all need to join in order to stop another force. That is yet to come though.... ------------------------------------------------- Etano, the Land of the Pegasi. Map Kindly made by ArchiosLukos. ------------------------------------------- Tribes, Princes and Princesses, Elements and Wing types Associated with Them Gren: They are ruled by Princess Edalia the Gentle. Their main power resides with Earth and they live on Okian Island. Their wing type is a rather narrow wing that stretches to at least, but not over, 20 feet each. The reason being is because of the wind currents that occur between the climate of the island and of the sea. Their colors range in hues of blue and rarely any other color. Usually, they are Mustangs. Nike: Princess Emrai the Warrior rules the Nike who use Water and Ice as their Elements and live in the Getra forest. Wings of the Nike are very long and tend to reside lower on their back than others, but still around their shoulders. However, their wings are some of the narrowest and they are built for endurance. Their breed of horse tends to be similar to the Thoroughbred but with the occasional Friesian, and their wing color tends to vary more towards greens but can at times be sky blue. Shadok: Prince Adlai the Magnificent and his tribe that he rules use Shadow and Fire as their Elements and live in the Talmor Desert. Because of the desert currents being so strong, many of the Shadok have rather wide and large wings. Out of all the wings, they are by far the largest with one notable downside. Without proper cooling, they will overheat and get heat exhaustion if their wings are not white. Their wing color, due to the heat is almost always white with the occasional black or gray. Their breeds are mainly Arabians with the rare big horse like a Shire or Clydesdale. L'vengya: With their Element being Plants and their home being the Jakeera Forest, the L'vengya are ruled by Princess Etesaya the Wondrous. The L'vengya have rather wide, short wings that tend to help them maneuver easily. The only problem is that unless they build up some stamina, they aren't able to fly for long distances. Their wing color tends to range from muddy brown to a light brown or even purples and their breed is mainly associated with the extinct Forest Horse or the Diluvia Horse. Perzeea: These Pegasi are ruled by Prince Alastor the Thunderous and live on the cliffs near the sea and use Wind as their Element. These Pegasi have their breed range in the Rocky Mountain Horse with their wing color always being a lovely almost entrancing, golden color. Because of where they live, their wings are commonly just skin instead of feathered, since they tend to swim more than fly. Their wings vary considerably in shape, size and color depending on the breed. With a larger horse, they have larger, darker wings. With smaller horse they have smaller wings and lighter colors. Ty: Princess Ety the Great uses Lightning along with her tribe as her Element. The Ty live on the Nakina Islands. Their wing type and color type are similar to the Gren. The main difference is that they can fly higher than any other Pegasi due to their buoyancy and lung capacity. Horsena: Prince Ahearn Lord of the Horses and his tribe control the element Light. They live in the Krayu Plains. These Pegasi have average sized wings and can fly a little less higher than other Pegasi. Their wing color can be anything from red, to black, to silver. Their breed usually deals with the quarter horse making them some of the better all around fliers and runners. Many of the Pegasi though, have only vestigial wings causing them to be unable to fly. Alliances: Allied with the Shadok: Gren and Horsena Allied with the Nike: Ty and Peerzea Neutral: L'vengya Emrai and Adlai: The Rebellion ------------------------------------------ Pegasi Pegasi have two forms: the horse with wings we all know and love, and a human form with wings from their horse form. They can bond their consciousness to another creature but not to another Pegasus. When they bond usually they don't notice till they start communicating by thought alone. Each Pegasi can use magic, but are restricted by their energy and experience. The more they use magic the more energy they build up. Each Pegasus has one element they control. The control over this element depends on how much experience the Pegasus has with it and how powerful they are. The prince and princess are the most powerful in the tribes. If they wish they can have an Animy. They prefer the bow and the sword over every other weapon. Use of other weapons such as spears and axes vary on the tribe. Animys Ranging from a toad to a lion, these are born from a Pegasi element. It is similar to a familiar, but somewhat different. (A familiar is a bonded animal that helps a wizard or witch with magic spells and such) These creatures cannot speak in any way except body movement and your intuition. Prince Adlai and Princess Emrai are the only Pegasi known to have changing Animys. Even though they look like regular animals, they can sprout wings the same color as their Pegasus, and can change themselves into their element; their element is whatever their masters' is. A Pegasus can choose to create an Animy; it is not a must to have one, but anytime in their life they change their mind they can create one. Creating one is simple; a Pegasus can go to their Shaman and tell them they want to create a Animy. The Shaman then summons a spirit and the Pegasus forms a shape of the creature out of their element, and the spirit inhabits the element. It must stay in the form of the element for a day and a night; then it may change to a solid form and look like a normal creature. Though they can bend the element it is made from, they cannot use magic. The Aurora of life The Aurora of Life is the gift the prince and princesses of old had; it allows them to leave their body if they wish, but they can't shift out of the form they left their body in. They also can't use other powers they have, like controlling water or fire. No one else can see, hear, or speak mentally to them when they're using their Aurora, and if they touch someone they'll go through them, except for others who have the gift. Their Aurora color has to do with their element and their coat color. If they’re killed while using their Aurora, they'll forever stay in it, and they can't be seen, heard, or felt by anyone ever again, even if they use their Aurora. Their body lies wherever they left it and their heart slows along with their breathing. This is how most people are killed. Someone thinks they’re dead and they get buried alive. ------------------------------------------ Other Creatures Harka The Harka walk on two legs, have the body of some kind of feline, and a snake for a tail. Whatever else they have is their special animal, and no other Harka has that kind of animal parts. They can speak the common tongue, but prefer guests and outsiders speak their tongue. They are wise and kind people, rarely do they fight in wars. When they do fight, they use a short sword and spears. Fairie These human-looking creatures are about four feet tall with butterfly-like wings that come in a variety of shape and color. They have bright colors in their eyes and hair, but there are the rare gray and soft forest-green eyes. Their hair is usually one vibrant color, but some do have stripes or spots. Any Fairie that has gray eyes won't have spotted hair, and any Fairie with forest-green eyes won't have striped hair. Fairies aren't big fighters, but they don't mind fighting in battles, in fact they enjoy it. They use swords but their main weapon of choice are two matching daggers, one in each hand. They, like most, speak common tongue. Elf Elves are tall, slender, human-looking creatures with pointed ears and slit pupil eyes. They have fair skin, light colored hair, and vibrantly colored markings that look like tattoos, but are completely natural. This species is very graceful and cat-like, due to there ancestors being related to the Harka. They can speak the common tongue and prefer the sword over other weapons. Deamon They have scales for skin and are red in color with black tribal-tattoo-looking markings. They have two cloven hooves for feet and stand about four to six feet high. They have two twisted horns between their ears that glow when they use magic. They also have a more human-like form Rarely do they manage to use magic; these creatures would rather stomp you to death, and are better at that than magic. These creatures are of no threat and have been banished to the Barren lands for eternity. No one knows if they still know how to speak the common tongue. They fight with axes, ball and chains, broadswords, maces, and other large weapons. A lot of information about these creatures is lost to us though... Drawker A four-legged creature of any shape and size, they have no other specific markings or appendages than that. They usually leave other creatures alone and tend to be aggressive and solitary. They can produce an element through their breath, but cannot actually control it. For example, they cannot control the rain to not fall on them, they can't move the earth ect. They can breathe that element though like a dragon breathes fire and they can swim in the element and breathe it like a fish in water. They can speak through telepathy in any language, but are known to attack and steal food before asking for it. NEW!! Human This creature walks on two legs and blah blah blah you know the rest. Plain simple human. Although, very rarely some humans can cast small magic tricks. Nothing big, but they can create magic shields and cast offensive spells. Some spells can also be used to heal or to stop time for a minute or so. There are limits. The more they use magic, the weaker they get, and eventually they will die if using magic for too long. They use all kinds of weapons but most are good with long swords and a shield. Common tongue is what most speak, although some can learn other languages. ----------------------------------------- Rules *I reserve the right to add and remove rules as I see fit. *Do not kill other people’s characters unless you get a thumb up from them. *No controlling other peoples characters. *Keep romance to PG-14 *No perfect characters, a.k.a. Mary-sues or Gary-stus. *My and LoveLost's words are law. *Proper grammar and punctuation please. *Put Coyote or Draxci in your form somewhere to show you've read ALL of the rules. *Only Pegasi can have Animy, and the Animy cannot be another pegasi. *Only Pegasi can be in a tribe, other creatures are either alone or in towns and villages. *No guns, cannons, or any other weapons of the like. Swords, knives, bows ex. only. ------------------------------------------------ Character Form Username: Your DragonCave Forum Username. Character name: Self explanatory. Gender: Male or Female. Creature: Pegasus, Harka, Drawker, Fairie or Elf. Deamon will be allowed later in the RP. History: At least four sentences. Tribe: Nike, Shadok, Ty, Gren, Peerzea, Horsena or L'vengya. Description: Pictures are welcome. If you do not have a picture, please at least five sentences. Weapon: Sword, twin daggers, bow ex. Give a little detail to, if you want. Animy: Pictures are welcome. If you do not have a picture, please put at least four sentences. Animy name: Pegasi only. Animy species: Only regular animals. Animy gender: Male or Female [B]Username: [/B] [B]Character name: [/B] [B]Gender:[/B] [B]Creature:[/B] [B]History:[/B] [B]Side:[/B] [B]Description:[/B] [B]Weapon:[/B] [B]Animy:[/B] [B]Animy name:[/B] [B]Animy species:[/B] [B]Animy gender:[/B] ________________________ All forms crossed out, are inactive players. Your form will NOT be deleted if you are away. They will be deleted if you ask me to delete them. Fairies: Username: StormWhite Character name: Naralithaean "Nara" Mistwing Gender: Female Creature: Fairie History: Nara's childhood was full of dances, hunts, schooling, harp lessons, and other delightfully boring things. Nara wanted to experience life like the heroes in the stories her mother would tell her. She ran (or flew) away so she could have that wild adventure, have stories told about how she brought peace to land, or some other such claptrap, she wasn't picky. She made a name for herself after a while by singing and telling stories for a living, after all, bards and minstrels have the most fun. She traveled all over the land's little towns singing of her people. She dreamed of more, so she moved on to cities. Eventually, she became famous, after 150 years. Side: Emrai and Adlai's side. Description: Nara is 204 years old. She has long bright red hair that puts a sunset to shame. Her large dark blue eyes are almost unbeatable in a staring contest. Her slightly over-sized wings have a slight silver-blue tint to them. She is 3 ft 11 and will boast of her height to anyone who will listen, although she is often asked if she has lost her mother, MUCH to her displeasure. She wears a dark green tunic with light blue leggings with a belt made from woven grass and carried a cloth bag for her harp. Weapon: A dagger and sword. Both Fairie made. Animy: Animy name: Animy species: Animy gender: ------------------------------------- Harka: Username: LoveLost Character name: Evyndr Leafvein Gender: female Creature: Harka History: Evyndr was born on a vast land to the south of the Etano Islands. She grew up as the foster child of two elves. She never learned of her difference to the other children until she reached the age of 13 and fur started to grow along her arms. In time she grew used to it and her long skinned tail that was unlike the other Harka's around there. In both world's she grew up as an outcast with unbridled joy in everything. Soon though, war plagued the Southern Islands and she was thrown into a position of warrior. She found herself to enjoy the combat as a form of release when her anger became pent up. But not only joy did she have as she fought to save her family and homeland, but self control. When women or children came at her, she would turn them away and go back at those that had to be shown what was wrong. After the wars were over, she found herself longing to travel and decided to go a long ways away from home to visit the land of the fabled shifters on the islands. When she arrived, she was welcomed with open arms by the Peerzea and taught the ways of air bending and learned it with increased proficiency. After many years of her being in their tribe and showing her trueness, she was allowed to have a position in the tribe's court and soon became a representative. After nearly 50 years of serving the Peerzea, she relinquished her position to another but still was looked on as an elder. She now works to try and help both Adlai and Emrai bring peace to the land as is her self sworn duty. A funny thing about Evyndr is that she is nearly 200 years old and the wars and age don't show any sings on her except for her scars. Side: Emrai Adlai Description: Evyndr She has several scars across her stomach and arms that even though they are old, still appear on her lightly tanned skin. Her eyes are this color. Weapon: Her Spear Vindict , sword Etran , and bow Livya as well as what she wears all the time. Animy: Animy name: Animy species: Animy gender: ------------------- Username: BlueApollo Character name: Tarisyn Saralonde (She prefers to be called Tari) Gender: Female Creature: Harka History: Tari was brought up amongst humans, so she grew accustomed to their natural tailless and furless appearance in her most impressionable years. Her foster family lived in a village on the edge of the Getra Forest, and Tari spent much time exploring and playing in the forest with her friends. She really didn't pay much attention to the fact that her ears were a little different or that the older people in the village gave her curious glances when she walked by; she just thought they were watching her to make sure that she was safe. Her naivete only cost her when she was older and finally realized exactly what she was. She started to grow her fur when she was a few days away from her thirteenth birthday. She was terribly confused about everything, but her foster parents merely explained that that was part of what she was. That was the day that Tari first started to feel the isolation that would haunt her every time she came near two-legged creatures like humans. The tail and addition of more and more fur only served to make Tari more nervous, so she resorted to wearing loose, long-sleeved tunics and long pants everywhere she went in order to hide most of her fur. She couldn't find a suitable solution to hide her tail, so she let's it remain away from the subterfuge of cloth. She left her village to find her own life when she was sixteen years old, wandering through the forest and learning of the politics of the region through the Pegasi and other creatures that she encountered on her journey. She knows of the war that now rages between the tribes and will stand with the Nike as that is who she most closely associates herself with since she grew up so close to them. She still wanders on her own, using the help of other creatures to get around more quickly when she knows she could use the speed. She has learned many things beyond politics in her travels, including medicine and cooking, but she has yet to learn to leave behind her timidity and embrace the fact that she is a Harka even after eight years of the knowledge bearing down on her. Side: Emrai Adlai Description: Tari She hides as much of her fur as she can beneath her clothes since she's still shy about all of it. Oh, and coyote. Weapon: Dagger (it's the only weapon she'll use, and only when absolutely necessary) -------------- Elves: Username: Lore_Master Character name: Raxus Pry Gender: Male Creature: Elf History: Raxus was born off-land, in a land that constantly sifted between war and peace. At a young age he was raised primarily by his father, his mother passed away due to illness. For over the next hundred years he was trained in the way of the sword and crossbow. Once he turned 150, he left his father to become a mercenary. And over the next sixty years he fought many battles, until his services were required by a ruthless warlord. Every battle he fought from there on in began to break him down in more ways then one. Eventually, he got his payment and spent all of the gold he earned on a boat and supplies. He sailed to Etano, a land where his parents were born in. Eventually, he landed near the Jakeera forest. He walked into the deepest part of the forest and began a life of solitude. Side: Neutral Description: Raxus Weapon: Crossbow Sword Animy: Animy name: Animy species: Animy gender: -------------------------------------------- Deamons: Drawkers: Others: Username: ShadowDragonmouse23 Character name: Only known as 'The Assassin' for now. Gender: Male Creature: Not telling yet History: Not telling yet Side: Unknown Description: CLICK Pale, black tattoos covering most of his skin. Jet black eyes, a luxurious, bold shiny black. Weapon(s): Bow (All black, arrows are white) Knives (the smaller one is for throwing and he has seven) Animy: Golden Eagle From Wolf Form Animy name: Skyranin Animy species: Golden Eagle, Wolf. Animy gender: Female ----------- Username: ShadowDragonmouse23 Character name: Damon Gender:Male Creature: Not telling yet History: Not telling yet Side: His own Description: X Covering his burn scar Back of his right shoulder Weapon: Dragonkiller Two of these Animy: N/A Animy name: N/A Animy species: N/A Animy gender: N/A Edited August 12, 2011 by ShadowDragonmouse23 Share this post Link to post
Posted May 31, 2010 (edited) All forms crossed out, are inactive players. Your form will NOT be deleted if you are away. They will be deleted if you ask me to delete them. Pegasi: Nike: Username: ShadowDragonmouse23 Character name: Emrai WolfSight Gender: Female Creature: Pegasi History: Emrai was raised outside of the tribes in one of the Elvin settlements near the desert. She never knew much of her mother, but her father always said it's a better life if she didn't live with her mother. Emrai still agrees with him but knows she must care for her people. She ran around the small city regularly, climbing to the top of towers and sitting on a platform was her favorite thing to do. She loved looking over the city, the height never presented fear to her. One of the few things that made her smile too. She was happy and kind as a child and teenager, but that has left her during the growing years. Not a day goes by she doesn't wish she could go back to the place she was raised. The day she got her wings was the last day she lived there. She was only 17 at the time. Her father was killed and she was chased down by the Deamons (before they were banished) because of her royal blood. She climbed to the top of the highest tower, higher than she'd ever been before, and she flew away form the only place she knew. Her father had left her a note, so she flew to her mother in the Nike tribe. After a few years she became princess (officially) and took control of the tribe. After being accused of sending an assassin she tried not to start a fight, but her people refused her words and attacked of their own accord. The same assassin killed her younger brother, Kipchou, but she was blamed for doing it and marked a traitor. She left her tribe to hunt down the assassin and ran into Adlai. After helping each other a few times, and having a brush with the assassin himself, they fell in love and started an army of their own. A few of the Nike were still loyal to her, so when she sneaked in and asked for them to join her, they of course agreed. Side: The Rebellion Description: Human Form Pegasus Form She has plain dull gray eyes with white and black slashes through them. Her mother had always told her she had the most beautiful eyes in the tribe, she didn't believe her, of course how can you when your true eye color only shows up when you change to view everything in black and white? Therefor she had never seen it in her whole life. Picture of her True eye color Weapon: Noctair, Silverstreak, Metalic. Animy: Fox Tiger Otter Animy name: Knaktarie (knack-terry) or Knap Animy species: Fox, Tiger, Otter. Animy gender: Male ------------------------------- Username: Mijikoi ((Coyote)) Character name: Lyre Gender: Female Creature: Pegasi History: As Lyre in recent years has developed a idolization for Emrai and views the leader with a deep respect. Her primary goal is to be like Emrai, but holds a sense of feeling she'll never be that confident. She is still fairly young and has a love for her weapons, however, her mother taught her to play two instruments, the lyre and the flute. She rarely ever ventured far from her mother as her mother liked to teach her, but has a taste for wandering. Despite her mother’s teachings Lyre still finds it difficult to wield the water element, but was efficient enough for her mother to let the lessons rest. She did far better under her father's tutelage in weapon fighting then her mother's. Hoping this skill would be of use to Emrai, Lyre jumped at the chance to follow the princess; her loyalty to Emrai won out over her insecurity about leaving the tribe. Knowing that her mother and father would never approve of it, Lyre left to aid Emrai in her journeys. Side: Emrai Description: Human form Pegasus form Weapon: Sword (Melaton) Sai Bow and arrows Animy: Lienay Animy name: Lienay (pronounced = Lee-en-ay) Animy species: snow leopard Animy gender: female ------------------------------- Username: i_luv_animalz, call me Animalz or Rikki Character name: Aria Gender: Female Creature: Thoroughbred Pegasi History: An Ice element Pegasi with a very bad temper, though she's nice and kind the rest of the time. She enjoys her ice element, but longed for a companion. So, she went to see her Shaman and it summoned an ice spirit. Aria formed it into an lion. A day and a night later, he was her Animy and she named him Rico. A few years after creating Rico, Gortonar was killed. She was furious when Shadok accused her tribe of sending the assassin and seriously consider hunting down the assassin herself. But, Emrai did it first and in the end, she decided not to go and abandon her clan. She's a great aim with her bow and can use small amounts of ice magic controlled so she doesn't faint. Side: Nike Description: Human FormMake the wings light blue. Pegasus Form Weapon: White Wood Bow Hidden White Dagger Animy: Normal Ice Element Form Animy name: Rico Animy species: Lion Animy gender: Male Peerzea: Username: LoveLost Character name: Scorpo Lionox Gender: female Creature: pegasus History: Scorpo was born on the cliffs where the Peerzean's reside and found her liking to be of the air. All of her life, she lived in the water and breathed the air, but found that she had no calling. When the war broke out between the Nike and the Shadok, she of course was Allied to the Nike and fought with them becoming a fierce warrior. In several years she was soon old enough to chose a mate, but never did for fear of never figuring out what had happened. In time, she learned about Emrai and Adlai and now wishes to find them by following the large beam of light that Adlai sends off every day. Side: Peerzea is her tribe and she sides with the Shadok Description: Scorpo pegasus form She is rather short for a Peerzean horse although her wings are featherless and the traditional golden; she is pitch black with white stockings and a white star in the middle of her forehead. Weapon: (in her pic) a small sword with inscriptions on it that she cannot read at all for the life of her. Animy: Wind Animy name: Brutus Animy species: wolf Animy gender: male Gren: Shadok: Username: LoveLost Character name: Prince Adlai Gortonarson (The Magnificent/ The Exile/ The Sun Child) Gender: male Creature: Shire Pegasi History: Adlai was born to Gortonar and Ekiyara who ruled the Shadok tribe. His father was killed by an assassin and his mother still lives with his several siblings both half and full. When his best friend turned on him and took over his tribe, he was exiled to the badlands for a time but now looks for those that will help right the wrong claimed on the Nike tribe. With his new found friend, Princess Emrai of the Nike Tribe, he thinks that they will actually gain ground instead of lose it to the evil being that has no name and no form; greed. Side: Shadok Description: Horse form: In his horse form, Adlai is the size of a large shire horse and his coat is a deep dark black without any white markings whatsoever. His wings are absolutely massive much like the rest of his tribe's although they are somewhat larger like those that are of Clydesdale and Shire blood. In his coat resides a fire that lurks behind every fiber of his being and shows itself when the sun hits his coat. Weapons and Armor Human formAdlai is a very tall young man with his horse form being a massive shire with black wings. His eyes are a deep brown chocolate with a hidden fire in them that shows up when angry or an extreme of any emotion. At times his chocolate brown eyes take on a bluish hue right after or right before he has just used or is using his fire abilities. He wears his royal circlet around his head when in his horse form and around his upper bicep when he is in his human form. The circlet is made out of some almost indestructible black metal that goes around like barbed wire but when it comes to a gem in the middle, it flares into two wings. The gem, is a deep glowing amber between the wings. Weapon: two scimitar looking blades made out of the same metal that his circlet is made out of. The engraving on it states in the ancient language "He who bears this sword is made of truth and heart" in platinum. Animy: Tiger Form Wolf Form Bird Form Animy name: Veetan Animy species: Tiger, Wolf, Bird Animy gender: male L'vengya: Username: LoveLost Character name: Kagiso Sunray Gender: female Creature: Quarter Horse Pegasi History: Kagiso was born on the wide open plains and reared in a peaceful land. When thing suddenly became violent and dark, she became a shining light of peace and tranquility. Although peaceful, she is rather violent when thoroughly angered and fights with an odd ability of knowing where to put her feet when needed. She hardly transforms into her human form, although when she does, it usually creates an annoying blinding light which she uses to try and illuminate the night as she looks for those that are against those now ruling the Shadok. The reason that she is against the Shadok, is that they went against the Nike whom she had begun to accept as a kind race. She always had a hard time finding good in herself which blinded her to the kindness of others. She now knows that the Shadok aren't peaceful and the Nike are trying to help aide the peace...that is all. Side: L'vengya Description: Horse Form Weapon: Animy: Form and Kagiso's human form Animy name: Bristor Animy species: dragon being Animy gender: male Ty: Username: BlueApollo Character name: Casden Gender: Male Creature: Pegasi History: Casden loved the Nakina islands more than anything. He spent most of his free time when he was not training to be a warrior flying about the island and absorbing the sights, committing his home to perfect memory. His brother, along with some of his cronies, would usually make fun of his "waste of time" and wonder why he wasn't chasing after girls or fighting the other pegasi. When the Nike tribe was blamed for the assassination, though, he knew he had to leave his beloved home to help the Ty's allied tribe. He met Elora along the way when they nearly crashed into each other in the skies. They now fight the Shadok together, defending the Nike tribe's honor. Casden has only been injured a total of three times; once on his right arm, once on his back, and once on his right leg. He still wraps gauze on his right arm to prevent the wound from reopening, but he only has scars left on his arm and leg. Side: Ty Description: Horse form Human form Weapon: Bow and Arrows, Dagger Animy: Picture Animy name: Elora Animy species: Gyrfalcon (yes, they're real) Animy gender: Female Horsena: Username: i_luv_animalz, call me Animalz or Rikki Character name: Rameriz Gender: Male Creature: Quarter Horse Pegasi History: Calm and patient, but a skilled swordsman. He enjoys flying through the sky with the sun's rays touching his red and black feathers and his skin or pelt. One day while flying, he saw a Marten already a created from the Light element, laying on her side with a cut down her ribs about to be eaten by a wolf. He dropped out of the sky and landed nearly on the wolf, who moved quickly and growled, but thought better of fighting a blood red horse and backed away, disappearing later. Rameriz morphed into his winged human form and picked up the Marten who chattered at him faintly, but thankfully. It only took a tiny bit of magic to heal her side's wound, so the only toll it had on him was a deep breath. She bonded with him, became his Animy, and he named her Reina. Then the battles that ruptured when Gortonar was killed. He didn't really care for them, and he also didn't believe the Nike tribe did it. But, he fights to defend himself and those he knows and loves. He's not one to trifle with just because he doesn't enjoy fighting, he can use magic well from practicing each day and is bad with his swords... Side: Horsena Description: Human form Pegasus form Weapon: Two swords, both identical Animy: Normal Light Element Form Animy name: Reina Animy species: Marten Animy gender: Female Edited August 12, 2011 by ShadowDragonmouse23 Share this post Link to post
Posted June 6, 2010 Just a few pokes for things that could be phrased better. IMO. the Pegasi did not fight amongst their tribes then. the tribes of the Pegasi did not fight amongst themselves then. Trees that grew taller than the great Redwoods, the plants were alive and filled with beauty especially in the evening when a single touch brought them to glowing life. There were trees that grew taller than the great redwoods; the plants were alive and filled with beauty, especially in the evening when a single touch brought them to glowing life. The Shadok tribe was peaceful like the others, but at other times, they would attack without warning and seemed to enjoy every moment of it. So when they attacked the Nike tribe there wasn't a second thought. The Shadok tribe was peaceful like the others, but at other times, they would attack without warning and would seem to enjoy every moment of it; when they attacked the Nike tribe, they had no second thoughts. set out to find the rouge assassin. Red? Or rogue? -Might want to move the Pegasi info to the top/near the top, as I was scratching my head about them being able to use swords- Four feet tall human-looking creatures with butterfly wings and weird (in human standards) colored hair, blue, green, bright red and they also have big eyes. Very awkwardly put. "Four foot tall humanoid creatures with butterfly wings and hair in shades of blue, green, and bright red. They have large eyes." <Perhaps? Not very thorough, sorry. Share this post Link to post
Posted June 6, 2010 On the pegasi explanatory thing (sorry for lack of vocabulary) what do you mean by bond? As in love? Because if so, then how are baby pegasi made and you broke your own rule with the princess and prince. Share this post Link to post
Posted June 6, 2010 (edited) @Rosey: Bond as in; Your souls are 'bonded' Soul-friend ex. @Rhea: Red? Or rogue? -Might want to move the Pegasi info to the top/near the top, as I was scratching my head about them being able to use swords- I didn't understand your question. I did that, and added in the rules and Character Form what kind of weapons they use. Edited June 6, 2010 by ShadowDragonmouse23 Share this post Link to post
Posted June 6, 2010 (edited) Love this- it's so interesting. Draws me right in. I wrote a critique somewhere... but I can't find it, so I'll type it again. b]Ty:[/b] Princess Ety the Great uses Lightning along with her tribe as her Element. The Ty live on the Nakina Islands. Their wing type and color type are similar to the Gren. But the main difference is that they can fly higher than any other Pegasi due to their buoyancy and lung capacity. You could lengthen that a bit; it's kind of out of place with the others because it's shorter, but I'm just saying that. You can change it if you want. ^^' Horsena: Prince Ahearn Lord of the Horses controls Life and so does his tribe. That is, Life is their Element. They live in the Krayu Plains. These Pegasi have average sized wings and can fly and average distance. Their wing color can be anything from red, to black, to silver. Their breed usually deals with the quarter horse making them some of the better all round flyers and runners. Many of the Pegasi though, have only vestigial wings causing them to be unable to fly. Alliances: Allied with the Shadok: Gren and Horsena Allied with the Nike: Ty and Peerzea Neutral: L'vengya There's kind of an extra space in there. Overall, I think it's very well written and I will be definitely joining in the future when it's approved. Edit: I have a question. Does every creature, including the 'Other Creatures', have an Animys? Edited June 6, 2010 by Hollyleaf Share this post Link to post
Posted June 6, 2010 (edited) There's kind of an extra space in there. I know, I just don't know how to fix it. Edit: I have a question. Does every creature, including the 'Other Creatures', have an Animys? Only if you want one, and only if your a Pegasus. The Animy is made from the element of a Pegasus, so they get a choice, and once they make one it's alive and of it's own being. But it can't talk, not even telepathically. But the Pegasus can read the emotions and what their Animy want's through them being bonded. Thank you for all your help so far everyone. Edited June 6, 2010 by ShadowDragonmouse23 Share this post Link to post
Posted June 12, 2010 You just click backspace until you get to one space. And thanks for the information. Share this post Link to post
Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) Hello~ My name is Dash and I shall be your approver today. Down to business then? But all this changed when the Shadok tribe's leader, Gortonar, was killed by an assassin. Please don't start a sentence with 'And' or 'But'. It is considered grammatically incorrect. Either combine it with the sentence beforehand and keep the but or take that out and keep it a separate sentence. There is other instances of this you'll need to fix. With a note tacked onto the door of his room by a thin sword, the tribe was lead to believe that the assassin was a member of the Nike tribe. Wrong tense of the verb. Since the plot is in past tense, it would be led. Ruled by Princess Edalia the Gentle. This is a fragment. You need a noun. Their wing type is a rather narrow wing that stretches to at least but not over 20 feet each. Stick a comma after least and over. Their breed of horse tends to stay near the Thoroughbred and their wing color tends to vary more towards greens but can at times be sky blue. The word stay just sounds awkward to me. I don't think it is quite the right word choice for the meaning of the sentence. Try something like 'tends to be similar to the Thoroughbred' or something along those lines. These Pegasi have average sized wings and can fly and average distance. I'm not really sure what you are trying to say there. I kind of figured they could fly since they have wings, but what kind of distance are you referring to? Can they fly long distances, short, or somewhere in the middle? 'Average distance' isn't really specific. Every one of them has an animal of their element that can be in a solid form or take on the form of the element that they control. Is there supposed to be a they after that? If there isn't I'm not really sure what you are trying to say about the animal thing. The gift the prince and princesses of old had. It's a fragment. Their body lies wherever they left it and their heart slows along with their breathing, this is how most people are killed, someone thinks they’re dead and they get buried alive. This is a run-on. It is three sentences combined with commas. Ranging from a toad to a lion these are born from a Pegasi element. You need a comma after lion to separate your introductory statement from the rest of the sentence. It is similar to a familiar, but very different. What is a familiar? I don't remember any mention of those. Did you perhaps forget to put a word in there? Also, how can something be similar to something, but on the flip side, be very different? Even though they look like regular animals they can sprout wings the same color as their Pegasus, and can make themselves made of all water, fire ex. You need a comma after animals. They walk on two legs and have the body of some kind of feline and a snake for a tail, whatever else they have is their special animal, and no other Harka has that kind of animal parts. When you list things, you don't use and, you use commas. Here would be a quick example. 'They walk on two legs, have the body of some kind of feline, and have a snake for a tail.' The second part I bolded is a separate sentence unto itself and shouldn't be combined with the first. If you do, it creates a run-on. Four feet tall human-looking creatures with butterfly wings and weird (in human standards) colored hair, blue, green, bright red and they also have big eyes. There are too many ideas going on in one sentence here. You need to watch that. You tend to combine together ideas in sentences in awkward ways. This is also a fragment. There are other fragments too in your RP you'll need to fix. Rarely do they manage to, these creatures would rather stomp you to death, and are better at that than magic. Rarely do they manage to do what? I think I know what you are getting at, but it would be better for you to specify the particular activity instead of assuming people will pick it up from the previous sentence. Example; they cannot control the rain to not fall on them, they can't move the earth ect. They can breathe that element though. Try 'For example,' instead of 'Example;'. It would be more natural sounding then and easier to wrap your head around. Alright. I'm done with all the spelling and grammar for now. It is time to move on to the plot. What literacy rating are you trying for? That weighs in to how I critique so I need to know. You give good reasoning for your plot, so I think it is a strong enough base. I have nothing much to critique you on that front. It should hold. I do want to give you a quick zoology lesson though because some of the reasoning on the different types of wings for your Pegasi just wouldn't work. For the Nike's wing, endurance wings actually tend to be long and rather thin in nature. They are known as soaring wings. That is what they would look like. A soaring wing maximizes energy saving because the birds can glide easily and have to flap their wings less, hence better endurance. Soaring wings really stink for maneuvering though. For the L'vengya, thin wings aren't good for maneuvering. The best wings for maneuvering are called elliptical wings. They are short and broad, but they don't allow birds to fly for very long distances, so they are bad for endurance. This sort of wing you would see on birds that live in the forest and such environments where they would have to dodge trees and other obstacles. Elliptical wings are also good for quick, short bursts of flight. They look like this. Now, your zoology lesson and my critique are done. ^^ Edited June 29, 2010 by Dashidragon Share this post Link to post
Posted June 29, 2010 Dash, you just ninja'd me! D: *hands her a cookie* Still posting my critique, though, as they seem to be subsidiary anyway. Just regard it as a thought-provoking impulse All in all this is done pretty nicely, however, there are some points that need to be worked on. For once the general mindset of the Pegasi – is there any reason why a Pegasus would heal the wounds of someone they just fought? Do they have something like a codex or was that just an exceptional case? If they have such a codex, does it differ between the tribes? Or is there something else to explain the unusual behavior of Emrai and Adlai? How exactly does the power structure of these tribes work? Is there a hierarchy besides the princes/princesses and if yes, how is it determined? Speaking of the princes - are the tribes principalities or is there a king hidden somewhere, too? Are there any social or other significant differences between the tribes? How exactly does that elemental magic work? Is there some kind of restriction to the control the Pegasi have? If Emrai’s elements are ice and water, how come she can heal people? Is that a characteristic commonly shared by all tribes or only by a few? And how can one control the element “life”? How long does it approximately take a Pegasus to travel from one tribe’s home to another? Are there fixed territories assigned to each clan? And where do the other races you names live (or rather, what role do they play in the RP)? Some elaboration on the Animys and a spell-check would be nice. The elements (as well as the world “element” as such) doesn’t need to be capped, and there are some things you’ve probably overlooked when beta-reading. Share this post Link to post
Posted June 29, 2010 Ok all done. @Saryk: Or is there something else to explain the unusual behavior of Emrai and Adlai? Yes, after the fight she felt bad for attacking someone who was already wounded. She also felt sympathy for him, and she liked him. Is there a hierarchy besides the princes/princesses and if yes, how is it determined? Nope. Speaking of the princes - are the tribes principalities or is there a king hidden somewhere, too? No, they are separate. How exactly does that elemental magic work? Is there some kind of restriction to the control the Pegasi have? If Emrai’s elements are ice and water, how come she can heal people? Is that a characteristic commonly shared by all tribes or only by a few? I put that all under the Pegasi section. And how can one control the element “life”? Changed it to Light. How long does it approximately take a Pegasus to travel from one tribe’s home to another? Are there fixed territories assigned to each clan? The continent is about the size of Africa, so it takes a day or two of continuous flying (Which is not possible.). Look at the map. And where do the other races you names live (or rather, what role do they play in the RP)? Anywhere and everywhere, except in the tribes. That way no one has to be a Pegasus, and it puts some variety in. Share this post Link to post
Posted June 30, 2010 ((lol I feel neglected. You said so many things to Saryk but nothing to me Just kidding, but you accidentally forgot to answer a question I posed. What literacy rating are you going for? I need to know this before I can go any further with approving your RP. :3)) Share this post Link to post
Posted June 30, 2010 The Aurora of life Is the gift the prince and princesses of old had; It allows them to leave their body if they wish, but they can't shift out of the form they left their body in. They also can't use other powers they have, like controlling water or fire. No one else can see, hear, or speak mentally to them when they're using their Aurora, and if they touch someone they'll go through them, except for others who have the gift. Their Aurora color has to do with their element and their coat color. If they’re killed while using their Aurora, they'll forever stay in it. And they can't be seen, heard, or felt by anyone ever again, even if they use their Aurora. Their body lies wherever they left it and their heart slows along with their breathing. This is how most people are killed. Someone thinks they’re dead and they get buried alive. Okay, the blue parts have a bit of a problem. The first blue part is a strange kind of sentence. You don't usually start a sentence with is. I suggest, The Aurora of Life is... And after a semi-colon (, you don't capitalize the first letter. It's still one sentence. Nothing can end a sentence except for a period (.). (Well, actually, I think an ellipsis (...) can, but I'm not sure. ^^') The second blue part is confusing. At the beginning, you said, ... gift the princes and princesses of old had;... Does that mean there were many princes and princesses? If they were, you can leave that; if not, I suggest changing it to, Most princess and princes were killed that way. *No Perfect characters. Perfect should not be capitalized. I also suggest in parentheses say, No Gary-stus and Mary-sues, or whatever it is... ^^' I'll come back in a bit if you still need help; go ahead Dash, take over. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 1, 2010 ((Thanks for telling me~ I think this plot falls about right into that literacy rating so we shouldn't have any problems there. I'll look over this one again and see if I spot anything else. By the way, thanks for the extra critique Hollyleaf.~ It's always good to have a few more opinions over an RP :3 I'm still seeing fragments in your RP that haven't been fixed. You also started a few sentences with but and that needs to be fixed. Prince Ahearn Lord of the Horses controls Light and so does his tribe. That is, Light is their Element. These two sentences sound a bit redundant. Pegasi have two forms; the horse with wings we all know and love, and a human form with wings from their horse form. That semicolon should be a colon. Everyone of them have an Animy. It should be 'Every one', not everyone. Also, one is singular so it should be has and not have. Each Pegasi can use magic, but are restricted by there energy and experience. It is the wrong sort of there. Try their. Even though they look like regular animals, they can sprout wings the same color as their Pegasus, and can make themselves made of all of their masters element, whatever that is. The first bolded part sound awkward. I get what you are saying, but using a form of made twice in a row is not flowy. As for the second one, you need an apostrophe there because the master owns the element. A Pegasus can choose to create an Animy, it is not a must to have one. This is just two complete sentences combined by a comma. To combine two complete sentences, use a semicolon, not a comma. I’ve also noticed you didn’t fix some of the things I pointed out in my first critique so you’ll need to look into that too. There is a part of the plot that I want you to clarify. They can bond to a horse like creature but not another Pegasus. What do you mean by bonding? Do they become one with that creature, form a sentimental attachment, ect.? Be more specific. Bonding alone is pretty vague and you need a better explanation of the process.)) Share this post Link to post
Posted July 5, 2010 ((Alright then. I'll look over this really quick an see if I can spot anything else. Their breed usually deals with the quarter horse making them some of the better all round fliers and runners. Round should be around. Creating one is simple, a Pegasus can go to their Shaman and tell them they want to create a Animy. Try connecting these with a semicolon instead of a comma. It must stay in the form of the element for a day and a night, then it may change to a solid form and look like a normal creature. Do the same thing here. Try using a semicolon instead of a comma. You still have sentences beginning with And or But. Those need to be fixed. In your creatures section, you begin several of the creature descriptions with fragments. Those need to be fixed also.)) Share this post Link to post
Posted July 10, 2010 Shadow, I didn't mean for this to be a literate RP...those tend to become rather stingy on the corectness of the spelling, grammar and the punctuation. Did you put down Semi-lit anywhere????? (Please tell me you did!!!) Share this post Link to post
Posted July 10, 2010 Yes I did. I know, I'm going for semi-lit. I don't like literate either. Ok Dash, I got it, I couldn't find any sentences that started with And, I usually watch out for those. I only found one that started with But. I added onto my species and made them correct, I think, no I'm sure I did good... Maybe. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) ((D'awwww. *pats* You are doing fine. I'm just really thorough. It isn't that you are doing anything wrong. I just aim as high as I can before I move stuff. Don't worry. I'm almost ready to move this. I saw two instances of misused semicolons. It is an easy fix. For the first one, change the semicolon to a comma. For the second one, just eliminate the semicolon completely. After fighting and calling it a draw, Emrai healed a wound Adlai had gotten from an earlier fight with the assassin; out of sympathy and guilt. Use of other weapons such as spears and axes; vary on the tribe. I'll also list any sentences I see started with And or But because you couldn't find them all. But that's yet to come... But the main difference is that they can fly higher than any other Pegasi due to their buoyancy and lung capacity. And they can't be seen, heard, or felt by anyone ever again, even if they use their Aurora. Haha, who know my knowledge of horses would come in handy being an approver. The breed is called Friesian, not Frisian. Their breed of horse tends to be similar to the Thoroughbred but with the occasional Frisian, and their wing color tends to vary more towards greens but can at times be sky blue. The next thing I have to point out is a list where you forgot to use commas, instead just connecting them with and. Fix it like this. 'They have fair skin, light colored hair, and vibrantly colored markings that look like tattoos, but are completely natural.' They have fair skin and light colored hair and vibrantly colored markings that look like tattoos, but are completely natural. On this next one change the first comma to a semicolon. Rarely do they manage to use magic, these creatures would rather stomp you to death, and are better at that than magic. I have one more thing to point out to you. A four-legged creature of any shape and size. Usually leaves other creatures alone and tends to be aggressive and solitary. Both of these sentences are fragments. Fix this stuff and I'll move this for you. )) Edited July 10, 2010 by Dashidragon Share this post Link to post
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