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Dr. Paine

Description comments

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This description:

 

Got these comments:

 

The second to last one kind of... puzzles me. Is it too long?

It's a good description, and not too long. The only change I would make is switching the semi-colon to a colon. As for the 2nd to last comment, that's just their opinion, don't worry about it.

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Ehh, Abrassa's description got rejected. I rewrote it, making her more Vine-like, and got a few more positive comments. Although I had one reject. Again, I feel as if the person didn't read it thoroughly. Do you guys think that this one does a better job of sticking to the Vine's breed description, or should I make it clearer? By the way, thank you for all of your constructive criticism.

 

Because of her Mint heritage, Abrassa has always loved nature. Even as a hatchling she would stare endlessly at the forest, enticed by its beauty while others of her breed hid in the long grass awaiting their next meal. She thought they were monsters for even daring to eat another animal, and started trying to rescue the animals from becoming a Vine's supper, though she was unable to restrain herself from eating meat. She was exiled because of her differences, but remained anyway to secretly do good in the shadows when no one is looking. Abrassa began to sneak out to save the other Vines' prey from an untimely fate, but the smell of blood exposes the violent, primeval instincts that all Vine dragons share. She means well, but she usually ends up causing more harm than good. Even the gardens she works so hard to tend have a wild, almost feral appearance. But wishful thinking unfortunately can't change instincts driven by thousands of past generations.

 

Comments:

 

Accept: Lovely! smile.gif

Accept: Ah! I remember this one. It seems to have changed a little. Oh well, I like this version too, and it complies better with the breed standards. Good work!

Accept:

Accept:

Reject: This goes completely against the official vine dragon description, which states that they are violent and usually kills things around them.

Accept: Nice description! Hope it gets approved this time!

 

On a different note...

The sea glittered in the early sunlight as a small group of dragons swooped down into an abandoned city. Their hardened faces were unreadable, but their eyes were deep pools of sadness, for they were the last of their kind on the island. The tyrannic king ruled with an iron fist, and the dragons had threatened his reign. They'd been hunted nearly to extinction, but they'd fought back, or they had until now. Now they were giving up. It filled Kuthaian's heart with pain to be leaving his home, but they had no other choice. It had been his idea after all. To hide the remaining eggs, one of each species, deep underground beneath a tall mountain that would one day bear the name the Rock of Kuthaian. Long after the other dragons left due to an explosion that poisoned everything within proximity, Kuthaian stayed. Waiting. Waiting for the king's reign to end. Waiting for dragons to walk upon the island once again.

 

Comments:

 

Accept:

Abstain: city? were there cities in DC days?

Accept:

Accept: Nice description!

 

Either the abstain person didn't get the Eragon reference or they pictured NYC when they read the word city.

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Nice I remember reading those and approving them...maybe you should pm a mod with them and see what they think? honestly I don't see anything against the rules there, and making your vine struggle more works wonders on the discription

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With the changes the description is perfect smile.gif

 

And I really have to wonder about the Abstain on the later description - I mean ever heard of the city of Rome, building an empire long before the middle ages rolleyes.gif

 

Edit: Oh - and also love the past tense as if sometime between Ancient Greece and the moon landing dragons were in fact real and you would have to strive for complete historic accuracy (Say were dragons before or after the 2nd crusade? Can I include stirrups, they are pretty modern?...)

 

Edited by herk

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It's a good description, and not too long. The only change I would make is switching the semi-colon to a colon. As for the 2nd to last comment, that's just their opinion, don't worry about it.

I guess I could... It just seems a very long sentence, otherwise.

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Trompeur appears to be friendly enough, albeit with a slightly imperious manner. But on the inside, she is plotting to take over the leadership of Filari's dragons. Either that or she wants to find a way to kill them all. She serves an unknown master and acts as his or her pawn and spy. The only other dragon that knows about Trompeur's goals is Elyinia, who is also in the service of this master. The Dorsal has been drawing the suspicions of Fylarian and Durppie, though, and they watch her closely.

 

One of the comments I got for this:

 

Reject: hey. Is your dragon chuk norris?

 

...How mentally challenged does one have to be to say something as dumb as that? tongue.gif I don't know if he/she was saying Trompeur was overpowered. If that's the case, what makes her overpowered in this description?

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GAH! this last thing left me so confussed x.x here's the discription

Hyper Night was named for his unusual friskiness at night in a cave full of dragons who are not nocturnal. Hyper Night spends his days guarding the front of the cave and the night flying around patrolling the area and hunting. Because of his nature he is mated to She's a Little Spitfire, and because of this he's become a cool adult via association.

 

and here are the responses...

Accept:

Reject: A few grammatical errors.

Accept:

Accept: No mistakes!

does any one see an error or something odd here?

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This dragon's presence and incredible charisma is used to command the attention of the other dragons when War Mount training is beginning. While not suitable to be a War Mount herself, she is used as the tactician's companion.

Accept:

Accept:

Accept:

Accept:

Reject: Too short...

Accept:

 

Too short my butt... I have a number of dragons that have one sentence descriptions. How can someone reject something on the grounds of 'too short'? o.O

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Gargamel is probably the most ghastly of Delirium's students. He not only hunts small creatures to eat them but also to use them for magical experiments. He has succeeded several times in creating small golem replicas of small rodents to lure the real animals into his traps and he uses their entrails for brewing magic potions.

He would probably die old and lonely if it wasn't for Mystra. The magi dragoness who has only a loose connection to reality and dreams of becoming a mother thinks Gargamel might make a suitable father for her eggs.

got:

Accept:

Accept:

Accept: Wonderful smurf reference.

Accept: Nice description!

Accept:

 

And

Ridcully is quite content studying magic without actually using it. He spends a lot of his time outside and enjoys physical endeavours more than one would expect from a magi. A lot of dragons make the mistake to assume this means he isn't very bright or has no talent in magic, but fact is Ridcully has a very sharp mind. It's just that he is also very practical which means he doesn't show off or uses magic when normal means would suffice.

He is very aware of his mate Glinda's character faults and has a lot more respect for Esme but since she refused him they are only friends and he avoids getting drawn into the two dragonesses' fights.

got:

Accept:

Accept: Archchancellor Ridcully, heh... So much for wizards not having mates. biggrin.gif

Accept:

Accept:

Accept:

Accept:

Accept: Nice description!

Accept:

 

 

I love it when people get my (not-so-subtle) references biggrin.gif

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This is my first description, but reading some of the others here, I see I need to up my game, lol

 

Dancing Ivy, contrary to her pretty and carefree name, is a jealous and vengeful dark green dragon. The root of her problem is her glamorous purple dragon mother. Dancing Ivy contorts her many vines with fury when she thinks of how her mother prances around, flicking her beautiful golden mane and how the male dragons flock around her, like moths to a flame. Dancing Ivy hides in her burrow and plots revenge against her mother. As she plots, she takes particular pleasure in capturing any and every innocently wandering creature in her vines and slowly poisoning them as she leaches their life force. Woe betide anything purple that crosses her path unknowingly. Upon those little creatures she has no mercy! Little does she know that her mother has foretold that Dancing Ivy will one day fall hopelessly in love with a dragon whose mother is purple! Perhaps when the prophecy comes true, Dancing Ivy will shed her bitterness, revealing a hidden beauty underneath. Or perhaps not.

 

I got:

 

Accept: Hooray for corrections smile.gif

(this one because I changed it according to their previous recommendation - thanks for that! smile.gif )

Accept:

Accept:

Accept:

Accept:

Accept:

Accept: This is a vine dragon, not ivy. tongue.gif

And this last one I don't get!! blink.gif The dragon is a dark green (or vine) dragon called Dancing Ivy... so confused!! laugh.gif

 

Anyway, I can't wait to see it approved, as I hope it will be! So exciting!! teehee

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Saruman of Orange once belonged to an order of magi dragons with the tradition that every full fledged mage had to pick one colour forever associated with them  the colour of their magic. Saruman was the star student of his year and only one colour was suitable for him: orange.

When he and his fellow Gandalf were sent to Delirium's clan to deepen their studies with her he was not exactly thrilled about it. He is not only arrogant and assumes that no dragon can teach him anything but also quite a coward and Delirium and her weird ways frighten him deeply.

Since his arrival at the clan he and Gandalf have grown apart and he has come to despise almost all the other dragons in the clan, he grows lonelier by the day and might become a danger to the clan if this trend isn't stopped in time.

 

got:

Accept:

Accept: Could be longer, but APPROVED.

Accept:

Accept:

 

blink.gif

 

This description is 800/1000 allowed signs long - I swear sometimes commentors try to mess with my head.

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My very first descrip for a Red egg found in AP (that had soft shell/inbred)

 

Incu came to be under the harshest of conditions. Alone and sickly, she'd been abandoned, her shell soft and weak. She was found by Lioness Fire, who took pity on the little dragon and brought the egg into her clutch. Incu's shell quickly healed and hardened. She was born into her new land, Maz, two days later.

Being an inbred dragon, Incu was forbidden to bear offspring by the laws of this land. This deeply saddened her. However, she took on the task of incubating others' eggs while they hunted, ultimately surrounding herself with children, to become known as a great caregiver. The hatchlings called her Grand Dam.

This warmed Incu's heart, making her wish to spread this joy to others like herself. It was not uncommon for inbred dragons to be breed-banned, if not outcast completely. Incu asked to bring in other inbred Reds to share her task, and in this way, created her legacy. No longer an outsider here, she became known as the guardian of the banished, Grand Dam, Incu Damis of Maz.

 

 

And I got:

 

Accept:

Accept: Very sweet smile.gif And also very well written! smile.gif

Accept:

Accept: Lovely story and a sweet title for her at the end. Well done wink.gif

Accept:

 

Thanks so much guys! smile.gif I had a comment earlier mentioning that my punctuation was messed up (and soon realized Word doesn't transfer apostrophes) so thanks to that person too for pointing that out!

 

This was so fun that I've already written a second and it has a few "accepts" too. Yay! smile.gif I hope that someone who reviews it will get the reference - and mention it (maybe the others got it but didn't?). It's really not a big deal, but... I'm still really hoping someone knows it. tongue.gif

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I just got this on my dragon Lennon:

 

Accept: Yesterday... all my troubles seemed so far away...

 

It makes me giggle when people comment on my Beatles references. biggrin.gif

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Love Is All You Need is widely agreed to be quite possibly the greatest romantic poet and songwriter of her generation. Her works have been spread around the world by word of mouth and have even been recorded in human publications- even if most are unaware that the original author was a dragoness. Still, whatever her species, there is no denying their fame or impact. Wherever a hopeful lad plays a tune under the moon and his love's balcony, is her songs they sing. Whenever an awkward or shy suitor struggles to find the words to express their overwhelming feeling, it is Love's words that spring to their lips. Tales abound of couples joined together by declarations of love composed by the Rosebud, and each one that reaches her ears brings a smile to her lips; for she does not write for fame or fortune, merely so that others may feel a little of the joy that lives in her heart every day. To quote her own words- "Some souls are Suns, born to shed their beautiful and blinding light across t There was more here, but it was deleted.

 

Reject: ', is her songs'_>'it's her song' the description ends mid-sentence and you might want to tone it down a bit (one of the greatest instead of greatest, it's often Love's words...) -

 

Okay, one genuine typo and yeah, I didn't know that I was over the word limit but... Tone it down? I hate Mary Sues as much as the next wo/man, but surely it's possible for someone to have that much impact- look at Shakespear, or Elvis or the Beatles, for example. World famous, often quoted and much loved. Someone's gotta be the best, why not her?

 

Urgh, I worked really hard on that; now I'm just disheartened. I look like a carp writer, don't I?

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Okay, one genuine typo and yeah, I didn't know that I was over the word limit but... Tone it down? I hate Mary Sues as much as the next wo/man, but surely it's possible for someone to have that much impact- look at Shakespear, or Elvis or the Beatles, for example. World famous, often quoted and much loved. Someone's gotta be the best, why not her?

 

Urgh, I worked really hard on that; now I'm just disheartened. I look like a carp writer, don't I?

No, you don't look like a bad writer! I think its a lovely description of a dragon!

 

However, the comment about toning it down is maybe because you took her powers/influence outside of your dragons/cave/clan/whatever, and gave her influence over everyone, which is perhaps not fair to someone else. For example, what if I also wanted to have the most poetic and creative dragon? The two descriptions might clash, so to avoid that, we both make our dragons the most creative in our cave, and there is no unfairness.

 

I hope that helps a little? I don't think the comment was a reflection of your writing skills, which seem great to me! smile.gif Good luck reworking the description!

 

Also, this is just my take on things, and I'm new to descriptions!

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Okay, one genuine typo and yeah, I didn't know that I was over the word limit but... Tone it down? I hate Mary Sues as much as the next wo/man, but surely it's possible for someone to have that much impact- look at Shakespear, or Elvis or the Beatles, for example. World famous, often quoted and much loved. Someone's gotta be the best, why not her?

 

Urgh, I worked really hard on that; now I'm just disheartened. I look like a carp writer, don't I?

Hey ruins - the comment was mine smile.gif

 

I really liked the description as a whole and didn't want to dishearten you (I would have written that, too if the comments allowed more words)

 

The fact is just, that the description rules state not to overpower it and the thread that gives you tips says that you shouldn't use greatest/best or any such superlatives without some kind of limitation (of her clan for example) as a rule of thumb.

 

I tried to give a constructive way around that restriction not to put you down, sorry sad.gif

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In his life Pear Fall had been a quiet and distinguished autumn dragon who never had the best of health. Only during his own season he felt well enough to leave his clan's cave and travel the lands around it. During one such journey Pear Fall was attacked by a wild pack of Hellfire Wyverns. He tried to make it back to his clan but he succumbed to his wounds before the healers could reach him.

His father was devastated since he loved Pear Fall more than any of his other children and he went to the magi Delirium to plead for her help. Since it was close to All Hallow's Eve the sorceress used old necromantic spells to bring Pear Fall as close back to life as she could.

Pear Fall only has vague memories of his life and his undead nature has made him aggressive and bad-tempered but Falamezar does his best to keep his beloved son away from the clan and still close enogh to remind him of the fact that he is loved.

 

Got the following:

Reject:

Accept:

Accept: Wow, I love it! There's an extra space after "remind", though.

Accept:

Accept: RIP Pear Fall!

 

I love the comments and now I will lose them because I want to get rid of the typo AARGH!

I hate people rejecting without commenting >:(

 

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to write a short comment - it always makes my day smile.gif

 

Re-submitted after getting rid of that offending double space and got this:

Accept: aww thats so sad im gonna go cry now but good description

Edited by herk

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I'm probably not going to describe any more of my dragons...

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Got the following:

    Reject:

    Accept:

    Accept: Wow, I love it! There's an extra space after "remind", though.

    Accept:

    Accept: RIP Pear Fall!

 

I love the comments and now I will lose them because I want to get rid of the typo AARGH!

I hate people rejecting without commenting >:(

 

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to write a short comment - it always makes my day smile.gif

 

Re-submitted after getting rid of that offending double space and got this:

  Accept: aww thats so sad im gonna go cry now but good description

lol Herk, I have no idea why anyone would reject that description! I think its great! smile.gif

 

I got this:

 

Toxic is a well known member of the Easter Hat Parade. An ever growing army of dragons who roam the caves of their tamer, searching for Easter eggs and grading other dragons' head gear. He's known for his spectacular fascinator fashioned from clouds, feathers and pearls, from which flow beautiful tendrils of silk ribbons. He wears his fascinator proudly in what he considers a 'jaunty angle', just above his right ear, his right being his better side. Yes, he's a modern dragon - no fashion constraints for him! Its told that once, another dragon did snigger at him behind his back and that dragon suffered terrible, toxic nightmares for a month. It was a poignant reminder of what happens should one happen to get on the wrong side of a daydream dragon - its not recommended! Toxic prances about the caves with the Easter Hat Parade, not a worry in the world, ever searching for Easter eggs and making note of any up and coming trends for hats.

 

User Comments

 

    Reject: im not sure that they had parades in the medivial era....try to keep with the set time period.

    Accept:

    Accept:

 

I think they might have had parades in the medieval era, but what do I know?! lol I hope it gets accepted though, its one of my favs. I'm worried it doesn't stay close enough to the daydream description... And the era thing too now! lol

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There were parades in the middle ages, but they were typically to celebrate winning a war or conflict and were typically military in nature. I could see a daydream dragon comming up for another use for parades though xd.png

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Love the easter/hat description FieryIsis. And I really can't see a problem with a parade, even if no one in the Middle Ages ever did something like a parade - it's people/dragons walking around in a long row being smug about something they achieved I can't see how that disturbs the setting wink.gif

 

And I'm pretty sure there were religious processions and funeral corteges in addition to military parades, so no worries.

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Thank you Brairtrainer and Herk! smile.gif I'll leave it and hope it goes through! smile.gif

 

I'm having so much fun with descriptions just now, and its lovely when you get great comments! I just got these:

 

Letters, as she is known to her clan, is a very busy dragon. She has been tasked with keeping the records of matings, breeding and offspring of all the red dragons of the clan. Unfortunately, she has the difficult task of keeping order, without any of the necessary authority to back her demands or enquiries. Letters is permanently attached to a tattered looking scroll, always has a spare quill or two sticking out of her scales, and never seems able to completely rid herself of spilled ink. The overall effect is somewhat chaotic, but she mostly knows what she's doing. However, on the days when her tamer has removed a red egg from the nest (without informing her beforehand), she can often be found running around the nest or nurseries frantically shouting, "Has anyone seen a red egg! Yay high, yay wide, no cracks at all!"

 

User Comments

 

    Accept: Sounds like me at the Shelter looking for one of our missing adoption dogs...

    Accept:

    Accept: i would have lost my pateice and my marbles if i was Letters keep up the good work!!

    Accept: Nice description!

 

They made me smile, thanks! smile.gif

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Rascal Ghostdragon is a day sentry for the cave who spends from sunrise to sunset in flight. Less aggresive than Helen of Hellfire he typically comes back to the cave when he sees something suspicious. The fact that he flies everyday has led the village close by to believe they are blessed because they see him every day as he makes his rounds.

 

now here are the comments

 

 

User Comments

Accept:

Accept: wow, i have egg one

Abstain: "...because they had a lot eggs..." a lot of eggs? Second paragraph maybe switch clauses? Last paragraph perhaps "some children. Unfortunately... died. His..."

Accept:

 

uhhhh.... blink.gifhuh.gif

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Those sound like comments to another description - weird blink.gif

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