Description comments

[solarflare3000]

I personally don't see a lot of things wrong with it that deserve a reject. I think you might need a few commas here and there. For example, at "Even as a hatchling she was asking about everything that piqued her curiosity..." ought to have a comma between hatchling and she. Also, the last sentence is a fragment, but that's really easy to fix. Change the word though to however, and then you'll have a whole sentence. I think the second issue might be the reason it got rejected, because most of the mods are probably willing to fix issues with commas but not change words or phrases because according to Sockpuppet, that would more easily upset description writers.

[Obscure_Trash]

So I just noticed one of my descriptions got a mod reject that just said "proofread" (which I did do before submitting), while I'm glad that there's again movement in the description queue I'm left wondering what that description got rejected for. Another review pointed out some punctuation errors (I changed the ones that I understood) but now I'm kinda left scratching my head. So I'm posting the description here in the hopes that one of you kind souls will point out what I've obviously managed to miss.

If you had comments on correcting punctuation, that was most likely what the mod was referencing.

 

Ella is extremely curious. This, coupled with her breed's natural observational skills and intelligence, has made for her a very inquisitive dragon. Even as a hatchling, she was askeding about everything that piqued her curiosity and if the older dragons couldn't give her an answer, she'd just find out for herself. In her quest for more knowledge, she has started solving 'crimes' in her clan, though it's these so-called crimes are mostly some of the more mischievous hatchlings hiding food and random items for a laugh. The other dragons aren't bothered by her sleuthing, so they leave her to it and sometimes even create a mystery for her to solve. Though they do wonder who, exactly, "my dear Watson" is.

 

Those are some suggestions I have regarding flow. ^^

Edited April 22, 2017 by SockPuppet Strangler

[xxtyraxx]

Okay. Thanks for your comments. I made some tweaks to the description.

 

Ella is extremely curious. This, coupled with her breed's natural observational skills and intelligence, means that she's a very inquisitive dragon. Even as a hatchling, she used to ask about everything that piqued her curiosity. If the older dragons couldn't give her an answer, she'd just find out for herself. In her quest for more knowledge she has started solving 'crimes' in her clan, though it's mostly some of the more mischievous hatchlings hiding food and random items for a laugh. The other dragons aren't bothered by her sleuthing, so they leave her to it and sometimes even create a mystery for her to solve. They do still wonder who, exactly, "my dear Watson" is.

 

@sock: I know you also suggested changing "..., though it's mostly..." and I get why, but I rather like the sentence how it is right now. Would that sentence be a deal-breaker?

[Obscure_Trash]

Nope, not a deal breaker. ^^ I do think that sentence is a tad confusing as is, though. =o As is, it's unclear that these mischievous hatchies are the ones doing these "crimes", although I'm able to use logical reasoning skills to deduct that. The flow the of the sentence is just off.

 

Some other thoughts for edits:

 

In her quest for more knowledge she has started solving 'crimes' in her clan. Though, most of the time, it's the more mischievous hatchlings hiding food and random items for a laugh.

 

In her quest for more knowledge she has started solving 'crimes' (mostly some of the more mischievous hatchlings hiding food and random items for a laugh) in her clan.

 

In her quest for more knowledge she has started solving 'crimes' in her clan. These crimes tend to be comprised of mysteriously disappeared food and items. Some of the more mischievous hatchlings are often, for some reason Ella hasn't figured out yet, seen giggling near the scene of the crime.

 

Just brainstorming, not trying to force you to change it. ^^;;

[xxtyraxx]

No worries ^^, like I said, I get why you suggested the edit. I do sometimes get a little 'stuck' on my own ideas.

I quite like your second suggestion, because I think it fits with some of my other descriptions, so I'll just clear my head of descriptions for a couple of hours, get my sentence out of my head hopefully, and come back to it later today.

Thanks again for the tips ^^.

[Dirtytabs]

Studdert's collection consists entirely of metallic statues and models of many animals. Whether the item actually is made of a shiny metal or is just a cheaper material, coat of paint, or magic coat doesn't matter. The cave in which he and his family reside is crowded. Brass horses appear pose splendidly, and humans of zinc and orichalcum stand in the hallway. The entrance is guarded by two of silver lions and a trio of bronze dogs. Outside, more more subjects are on display in various poses. A golden tit and gilded barbet perch on a branch, while an emu below is poised to run. Golden snakes bask alongside silver iguanas and bronze aardvarks. Smaller items like gudgeons and smelts rest on a back-high platforms so viewers can see them without crouching. There are too many objects in the massive collection to label in detail, and sometimes Studdert doesn't notice when they're stolen. When he eventually finds out, they're removed from his catalogue and are soon replaced by new ones.

 

Abstain: This is the second time this has showed up in my queue. Still the same problems -SF

 

I don't remember resubmitting this one. Care to point out the problems here instead?

The text in bold must remain as is, though. The entire description is a self-imposed challenge around that sentence.

[Obscure_Trash]

Studdert's collection consists entirely of metallic statues and models of many animals. Whether the item actually is made of a shiny metal or is just a cheaper material, coat of paint, or magic coat??? doesn't matter. The cave in which he and his family reside is crowded. Brass horses appear to pose splendidly, and humans of zinc and orichalcum stand in the hallway. The entrance is guarded by two of silver lions and a trio of bronze dogs. Outside, more more subjects are on display in various poses. A golden tit and gilded barbet perch on a branch, while an emu below is poised to run. Golden snakes bask alongside silver iguanas and bronze aardvarks. Smaller items like gudgeons and smelts rest on a back-high platforms so viewers can see them without crouching. There are too many objects in the massive collection to label in detail, and sometimes Studdert doesn't even notice when they're stolen. When he eventually finds out, they're removed from his catalogue and are soon replaced by with new ones.

 

of many - I found myself tripped up on the sentence. I think just because of how clunky it was, "metallic statues" and "models of many animals" read as separate things, which is not the impression I get from your description. So I'd just delete some of the clunk. ^^

 

??? - maybe it's just the amount of sleep I've had in the past two days, but I cannot figure out what a magic coat is. o.o

 

even; by -> with - these are both stylistic choices and just my recommendation. ^^

 

I love the poetic feel I get here, and love the idea of writing around just a sentence!

[Dirtytabs]

Gotcha! How's this:

 

Studdert's collection consists entirely of metallic animal statues and models. Whether the item actually is made of a metal or is just a cheaper material, coat of paint, or simulated shine created using magic doesn't matter. The cave in which he and his family reside is crowded. Brass horses appear to pose splendidly, and humans of zinc and orichalcum stand in the hallway. The entrance is guarded by two silver lions and a trio of bronze dogs. Outside, more subjects are on display in various poses. A golden tit and gilded barbet perch on a branch, while an emu below is poised to run. Golden snakes bask alongside silver iguanas and bronze aardvarks. Smaller items like gudgeons and smelts rest on back-high platforms so viewers can see them without crouching. There are too many objects in the massive collection to label in detail, and sometimes Studdert doesn't notice when they're stolen. When he eventually finds out, they're removed from his catalogue and are soon replaced with new ones.

 

I've elaborated on "magic coat" - I'm assuming one can cast a spell that gives the illusion of a metallic shine. I can't fit "even", though. Character limit.

 

Yo SF, I've read re-submissions where my suggestions were ignored, so I know how annoying it is. Hope the above is silly-mistake free now.

[Obscure_Trash]

Looks great to me!

 

Haha, yeah, I wish the forum or my browser had an auto-word count. =p I can never tell! Fair enough, though.

[solarflare3000]

Gotcha! How's this:

 

Studdert's collection consists entirely of metallic animal statues and models. Whether the item actually is made of a metal or is just a cheaper material, coat of paint, or simulated shine created using magic doesn't matter. The cave in which he and his family reside is crowded. Brass horses appear to pose splendidly, and humans of zinc and orichalcum stand in the hallway. The entrance is guarded by two silver lions and a trio of bronze dogs. Outside, more subjects are on display in various poses. A golden tit and gilded barbet perch on a branch, while an emu below is poised to run. Golden snakes bask alongside silver iguanas and bronze aardvarks. Smaller items like gudgeons and smelts rest on back-high platforms so viewers can see them without crouching. There are too many objects in the massive collection to label in detail, and sometimes Studdert doesn't notice when they're stolen. When he eventually finds out, they're removed from his catalogue and are soon replaced with new ones.

 

I've elaborated on "magic coat" - I'm assuming one can cast a spell that gives the illusion of a metallic shine. I can't fit "even", though. Character limit.

 

Yo SF, I've read re-submissions where my suggestions were ignored, so I know how annoying it is. Hope the above is silly-mistake free now.

Hey, somebody found my oddball and possibly snarky comments. (If I was snarky to you, I'm sorry. I might have been feeling a little irate that day.) This description is really nice; I could tell that you put a lot of thought into your dragon, so I like it. This is the third time I've read and it still isn't quite old.

[Ansela Jonla]

Fiver is the runt of the flock's Diamondwings. Fiver has dreams. Strange, unsettling dreams. Dreams that wake him in the night, gasping for breath. Dreams that come true.

Most dismiss the runt's rambling recollections of his dreams. Some, wiser than most, listen. Even fewer take heed of the warnings he imparts.

He dreamt of the collapse of the back caves. He saw the flood that smashed along the River Sancre. He predicted the eruption of Mount Mindolluin.

His dreams are currently filled with dark armies marching, of rotting flesh lurching and skeletal forms clacking in the night. He dreams of death and destruction. He dreams of the evil wrought by the Necromancer.

He dreams a warning of the war to come. And only a wise few listen.

 

Accept: So is the rest of the cast of Watership Down in the queue, too? Nicely done.

 

 

Sadly not. I just couldn't ignore the inspiration that the "Fivre" code gave me while catching up on months of un-named, un-sorted dragons.

[Dirtytabs]

Disbursement isn't really sure how on Valkemare he came to be involved in the humans' affairs, even the violent ones, but here he is, serving in an army. He has a nice title in the regiment, a pleasant-sounding mix of syllables, and he's the noisemaker guy since he isn't too good at fighting with sticks like the humans. He marches forward in the center of the pack wearing this sack with pipes sticking out. Blowing into one of the pipes causes the device to emit a loud screaming sound, and he yells nonsense and other fun things while playing the sack-tubes to frighten the enemies, the People Who Are Not His Friends. The People Who Are Not His Friends often target Disbursement to make him shut up, but he's safe from magical strikes and projectiles inside his thick, orangey bubble shield. Many of his nonmagical allies stick around him so they're protected by the cast bubble, but not too near because he yells and plays the sack-tubes, and they don't like the sounds much, either.

 

Accept: Bagpipes are awesome!

 

Darn right! They're multi-use noisemaking devices!

 

Lots of dragons tell Scu to stop tasting other people: stop going up to someone and gently pressing his tongue against them. He is confused about this request because he has no desire to eat the dragons he tastes and takes care to touch them with only his tongue, so they shouldn't be scared of him. He licks them because that's the only way he can find out what flavor they are. Maybe people think Scu can tell flavor by looking at a dragon's color or height or something, but he can't. The only way to know is by licking. Flavor is very important to him. Everyone seems to have a difficult time grasping this fact.

 

Accept: other ... people?

Mm-hm. Species I refer to as people: humans, dragons, and other sufficiently intelligent creatures not yet introduced to DC canon. It's kind of like what the Ministry of Magic classifies as a Being.

Edited May 5, 2017 by dirtytabs

[Lagie]

Thanks for the clarification, Tabs! (and yes, bagpipes are awesome!)

[Peachycupcake525]

I got this comment on a description that I pretty much just made. And yes, I did fail like 30 times. (And with another dragon too, although I gave up sooner with that one)

 

This dragon just will not die, no matter how many times a human tries to stab it. The human was trying to kill it to possibly transform it into a zombie, but after around thirty tries, the human gave up and let the dragon live. Although angry about the attempt to kill it, this dragon is happy that the human let it free, as it had been stolen from its home in the volcano as an egg and had lived with the human ever since.

 

Accept: LMAO DID YOU ACTUALLY FAIL TO SLAIN YOUR DRAGON?! THIS IS AMAZING LOL - XDDDD

[solarflare3000]

Her heart is broken, far away from home

From the turnip fields she used to know

Her heart has broke; into shimmering pieces.

To be repaired by one love in life alone

Turnips. A wild garden, far away in golden fields

Their taste, their smell, a renewed memory.

Her name, her pride, received in a land far from home.

Came from her love for the savory veggie.

She is Lady of Turnips, Queen of the Gardens

From the Turnips, her name came forth.

All day, she looks. Sniffs them out. Devours them.

Seeking the memories of fields she used to love.

Turnips on her tongue, on her mind, in her belly.

Nothing makes her happier; it's all she needs to know.

 

 

Abstain: O-O are poems allowed? A good poem, but........ *brain fart

 

Yes, poems are allowed. I have three accepted poems right now. Oh, and sorry if I broke your brain.

[Dirtytabs]

 

Abstain: O-O are poems allowed? A good poem, but........ *brain fart

 

Yes, poems are allowed. I have three accepted poems right now. Oh, and sorry if I broke your brain.

Clearly the reviewer seen KoD's descriptions yet, or they were all approved already. She has so many great poems.

[SheridanCharon]

The flock has learned to stay away from Nito's cave.

Not because he's dangerous, he is the most laid back of the Crimsons in the flock, happily allowing the younger, smaller dragons to crawl all over his sleeping form. No, it's to preserve their sanity, for Nito has a hobby.

He loves music.

As the flock is full of dragons who love the arts, Nito doesn't seem odd. Unfortunately, Nito's music is mostly a deafening cacophony. He has even made his own instruments, odd contraptions he refers to as "Doohicky" (a circle of armour he hits with a rock), "Thingamabob" (a log with rope wrapped around it) and "Whatchamacallit" (armour filled with rocks that he shakes). Whenever he's feeling "inspired", Nito starts another one of his music sessions with a shout of "RAVE TIME!".

Not that the other dragons know what a "rave" is. They assume it's just a term the strange Crimson made up for his bouts of eccentricity, though they do quite like the glowing bits of mana ores he uses for jewellery.

 

Accept: What? He doesn't have a Thingamajigger (bell-bottomed tube with holes)? -DT

 

He DID have a thingamajigger at one point, but he kinda melted it (Said-melting was a convenient plot device due to character constraints )

[Earth Gurl]

 

Abstain: O-O are poems allowed? A good poem, but........ *brain fart

 

Yes, poems are allowed. I have three accepted poems right now. Oh, and sorry if I broke your brain.

This description was so cute.

[Lagie]

Not sure which mod rejected this:

"I spy with my little eye ... something that is blue!" Hispy loves to play this children's game, usually using her moms as the target of 'blue'. She's forever young at heart and small in stature and loves nothing more than to involve her older brother Moms in a game of I Spy that can go on for hours if he lets it.

Moderator Reject: Is her moms referring to her brother or her mom? This is confusing.

 

Yes, it is. It's kind of meant to be. She's the adopted hatchling of two female tetras, a pair that have also adopted another tetra whose description kind of explains more: https://dragcave.net/view/ANcaU

(moms = her mothers; Moms = her older adopted brother)

 

Would it help if I expanded the backstory or can it be left as is now that you know the references?

[Obscure_Trash]

Not sure which mod rejected this:

"I spy with my little eye ... something that is blue!" Hispy loves to play this children's game, usually using her moms as the target of 'blue'. She's forever young at heart and small in stature and loves nothing more than to involve her older brother Moms in a game of I Spy that can go on for hours if he lets it.

Moderator Reject: Is her moms referring to her brother or her mom? This is confusing.

 

Yes, it is. It's kind of meant to be. She's the adopted hatchling of two female tetras, a pair that have also adopted another tetra whose description kind of explains more: https://dragcave.net/view/ANcaU

(moms = her mothers; Moms = her older adopted brother)

 

Would it help if I expanded the backstory or can it be left as is now that you know the references?

I would suggest just a minor edit so the dragons being talked about are a little more clear:

 

"I spy with my little eye ... something that is blue!" Hispy loves to play this children's game, usually using her moms (both tetras) as the target of 'blue'. She's forever young at heart and small in stature and loves nothing more than to involve her older brother Moms in a game of I Spy that can go on for hours if he lets it.

 

^^

[Lagie]

I would suggest just a minor edit so the dragons being talked about are a little more clear:

 

"I spy with my little eye ... something that is blue!" Hispy loves to play this children's game, usually using her moms (both tetras) as the target of 'blue'. She's forever young at heart and small in stature and loves nothing more than to involve her older brother Moms in a game of I Spy that can go on for hours if he lets it.

 

^^

Thanks, Sock! Done!

[Mathcat]

Kezit claims that time is a mere illusion. According to her, no proper dragon should let themselves be ruled by something so preposterous and arbitrary as marks on a candle or sundial. As Kezit only says this when she's just arrived ridiculously late to an important gathering, nobody pays much attention to her.

Accept: this is a great description omg x)

Accept:

 

Natizil might not have his mother's magical abilities, but did inherit her way with words. Given enough time, he can convince a mint that all they need to finally take flight is a little faith in their capabilities and a suitably high cliff.

Accept: Oh dear.. D:

Accept: this is hilarious, and well-written x)

Accept:

 

R'Mark is proof that a dragon doesn't need magic or physical strength to be feared. He can reduce a dragon to tears by words alone, just by providing harsh feedback on their latest creative endeavor.

Accept: i'd be terrified x)

Accept:

[Lagie]

The inside might be as black as the night but at the end of the tunnel there's a light. Light tries to look at everything with a positive view to things. If it's nighttime, he'll enjoy the stars. If it's daytime, he makes the most of the sunlight. Rain is no problem for this dragon; he revels in puddle stomping and is thrilled that it will help his flowers grow. The only things that can shake his composure are the weird nightmares he has about some bizarre mechanical thing at the far end of a tunnel that he says is an oncoming train. Since no one he speaks to knows what a train is, very few dragons are sympathetic about his nightmares.

 

Accept: Poor thing. Has none of the others ever heard about a train of tghought? Those can be dangerous and lead to misery -H

Accept: Looks fine.

Accept:

Accept:

Accept: A dragon that looks into the future? Hmmm...-SF

Accept:

Accept:

Accept:

 

(I hadn't realized we had so many active reviewers! Thanks, all!)

[Mathcat]

Algebraic is the smallest of the Math Magi's canopy dragons, thanks to a rough start in life. A sickly hatchling, he had little else to do while growing up but sit around and ponder mathematics, moving from topic to topic as one or another of the Math Magi caught his attention. He spent most of his time with Xoryth, in part because she always had some small treat for him, and in time her specialty came to influence his own. While Xoryth prefers problems with applications to real life, what Algebraic works on tends be less concrete in nature, at least at first. Some particularly baffled dragons, after sitting through one of his lectures, call his work downright abstract in nature.

Accept: eeek applied maths *runs screaming and flailing* Oh wait this one is PURE mathematician - then that's fine -H

Accept:

 

Snaec views it as her mission in life to rid the area around her cave of all things small and slithering. She can often be seen walking toward the edge of Flowernest Weyr with a tangle of snakes carefully balanced on her tail shield, looking as though she were about to serve someone a large platter of decidedly malevolent spaghetti.

Accept: mjamm mjamm -H

Accept:

Accept: "Decidedly malevolent spaghetti". Does it come with a side-order of slightly suspicious breadsticks?

 

Karaza Thuwed runs a jewelry shop in Dragontown. She has an eye for quality and will mock anyone she feels is wearing inferior jewelry. The only way to get her to stop criticizing someone for long enough to make a sale is to bribe her with her preferred type of garnet. Even then, she's likely to find a way to slip subtle insults into the conversation.

Accept: DRAGONTOWN \o/ - lovely as always MC -H

Accept:

 

(Dragontown is currently the storyline with the most dragons in it - 134. Roaring Lion Productions is next with 88, then the Goldenmage Assembly with 79, and then Dragonhaven Island at just 68.)

[Lagie]

Z'Miz, like any normal dragon, has a hoard, even if she is a paper dragon. Her hoard, though, isn't gems, or jewellery, or other valuable items. Miz collects small rectangular and sometimes square blocks of something she calls 'plastic'. It's unlike anything the other dragons have ever seen, and usually once they've seen it, they wish to never again do so. The pointy corners and connecting bumps on top are very painful to dragon paws when stepped on.

 

Accept: Legos? Well they should try foursiders those are WAY worse -H

Accept: Cute!

Accept: Oh dear, a hoard of LEGOs! D:

Accept: Yes, my boyfriend does the same thing...

Accept:

Accept: Very hilarious anachronism. -SF

Accept:

Accept: lego blocks hahaha

Abstain: Good, but paper dragons can't have genders.

 

Actually, to the abstainer, you can assign a gender within a description! Glad you liked it, though.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Lagie