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Sashimi

Having kids

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Hey all!

 

At first I want to say I don't despise people who have children or children themselves anyhow. Kids are often wonderful. It all just comes down to a choice and I think people should do what makes them happy.

 

So my question is, do you want or have children? Why / why not?

 

I myself have not felt very maternal or maybe not that natural with kids. Ever since I found out that I don't "have to" have a kid, I've been happily thinking I won't. It is just something I never really wanted. Even though I do have the right "circumstances", like a house and a stable job, I'd rather do all the other things in life. However I would love to have a niece or a nephew.

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I planned never to, for many reasons. I was "caught out" and as I loved the father, I went through with it and had another.

 

But if I were in that position today - never mind maternal - I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world as it is right now, I really wouldn't. If I wanted a child, I'd adopt, as children placed for adoption are already stuck with the mess we have all made, and deserve a decent home.

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I want them. I just have so many psychological issues that I have to think long and hard about what kind of environment I'd be bringing them into. Both my parents are mentally ill - my mom slightly, my dad fully. The advantage is that I know exactly what not to do when raising a kid. A strong support system, which I currently lack, would be the deciding factor. If I somehow end up gaining one, I'd like to have my first kid around 30, and I'm 26 now. Both my parents were nearly 40 when I was born, and I'm not about to play Russian roulette with my DNA the way they did. I might not get lucky like them, and I will never be equipped to raise a special needs child, being rather needy myself. I also become borderline psychotic if I lose most of a night of sleep. The best solution for me would be to get a better paying job so I can hire a surrogate. I have tokophobia, too. Basically everything stands in the way of me having kids, but I still want them. We'll see.

 

I'm not that maternal, either. It's not an instinct you're born with, it's one you acquire, usually through experience.

Edited by Sesshomaru

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I really, really want to have children. It's something I've felt so strongly about for at least ten years and that sometimes makes me even desperate but to be honest I have no trust I'll ever get a chance. I still have health problems because of being too skinny as a teenager but apparently that could be fixed. The bigger obstacle is that I've never really had a relationship. And this summer I just heard my two closest friends are both pregnant, they're happy with it but they never planned it. I'm trying to be happy for them, too, but it hurts quite a lot and makes me thankful for once that I've been unwell the whole summer and don't have to see them.

 

Sorry that I got a bit emotional...

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I have one daughter, 17. But it made me realize I'm not that maternal. I like my freedoms, I like being myself instead of "mommy" 24/7. It didn't help that I had suffered from a prolonged case of PPD, either. Anyway, I'm happy with the one I have, and don't want more. (And, at not quite 40 yet, more would be an option. Hypothetically speaking.)

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I used to think I wanted kids for the longest time as a child, but, like you said OP, once I found out I don't HAVE to have kids, I've been extremely content with the idea of never having any. Especially because, the older I get, the more the idea of pregnancy for myself scares me and makes me uncomfortable. I am very uncomfortable with the idea of something growing inside me; call me a lunatic but the idea of knowing and feeling something growing in my stomach is very horrifying to me. For other people I'm fine with the idea of it, in fact I find pregnancy beautiful in other people (when it's a good relationship or a good parent that the kid will have anyway; I never find pregnancy beautiful when there's a horrible relationship or you can obviously tell the mother doesn't want the kid.) But I cannot stand the idea of myself being pregnant; it freaks me out and I'm also scared of the responsibility of being pregnant. Just not for me, especially considering the fact that I don't really have any desire for romantic relationships anyway so...

 

However, I'm not opposed to motherhood entirely; I would just rather adopt or foster children instead of having my own because I want to show these kids/teenagers-especially those who have unfortunately already experienced a bunch of horrible things-as much of a happy life as I could provide for them because dang it that's what they deserve. But for me I have so much I want to do with my life and-I do NOT mean this in any bad way-I merely don't want to be tied down. Kids are a huge responsibility, and while I believe I would be a good mother (growing up with my circumstances and observing family, I've been fortunate yet unfortunate to see first hand what bad parenting and unstable parents can do to a kid and I believe I know for the most part what kids need to thrive) I just don't want to tie myself down like that, and I would never dream of being so irresponsible to adopt/foster children and then either: A. Uproot them so I could follow my dreams (like traveling the world for example), or B. Shove them on everyone else and expect everyone else to care for them. Just...no. I've seen that so much in my own family and it infuriates me to no end.

 

So, long story story, the responsibility of children just doesn't line up with my plans for myself for the foreseeable future; right now I'm trying to become more stable mentally/physically/financially/etc, and in the future I want to be career oriented and focus on my dreams of traveling and such, which is too busy of a lifestyle to care for kiddos. Maybe things will change or maybe when I'm older I'll adopt/foster some kids, but speaking as a 20 year old right now it's the furthest thing from my mind honestly. :)

 

1 hour ago, Varislapsi said:

I really, really want to have children. It's something I've felt so strongly about for at least ten years and that sometimes makes me even desperate but to be honest I have no trust I'll ever get a chance. I still have health problems because of being too skinny as a teenager but apparently that could be fixed. The bigger obstacle is that I've never really had a relationship. And this summer I just heard my two closest friends are both pregnant, they're happy with it but they never planned it. I'm trying to be happy for them, too, but it hurts quite a lot and makes me thankful for once that I've been unwell the whole summer and don't have to see them.

 

Sorry that I got a bit emotional...

 

Aw, please don't apologize for being emotional! This is a very sensitive subject that, judging from your post, is especially sensitive to you because of personal reasons. ❤️ Your emotions are important and valid, so please don't feel the need to apologize. ❤️

I don't mean to cross any lines saying this (and please let me know if I do), but I have belief that you'll be able to achieve your dream, even with the obstacles you're facing. :) Granted, I'm not sure how difficult it would be to fix your health problems, and relationships aren't easy to find and establish so I am in no way trying to simplify your feelings on this, but I still support your dream and believe you can achieve it. Please don't feel like you have to give up on it yet if it's really what you want. ❤️

 

Anyway, thanks for hosting this discussion, OP! :) It's funny, because I was JUST having this discussion with my mother literally a couple hours ago and then I see this thread. 🤣 It's very interesting reading everyone's responses! :)

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@Jenneta Thank you for support, that really means a lot! This surely is a sensitive topic for me and I rarely even write anything so personal on the web. But I was kind of happy to find this thread, perhaps because I can't really speak about it with anyone in real life, given the current circumstances (I mean, it doesn't feel very comfortable to discuss it with my friends now that they will have kids soon). Anyway, I try to stay optimistic. :) At least I got some good news indeed just a while ago, I had actually thought (and been told) that pregnancy might not even be a possibility because of my history with health issues but I asked a doctor and I had been told wrong. I wish I was a bit younger and had more time to meet people and to find someone, though yes, I know, at 25 I'm still far from too old. I'm just not very good with people, it took me sooo long to even find good friends but I'm so thankful I have them in my life.

 

For me it actually went the other way around, when I was small I always thought I would never really want children of my own. Maybe it has to do with still being so close to your parents all the time and having a certain image of what parenthood means, what a mother should be like, then later as you grow up you realise that there isn't only one way to be a good parent because we're all different even if there are many responsabilities and other things that all parents share. (And to make clear, I'm not talking about the "model" I got from my mother particularly, nor saying she wouldn't have been and wouldn't still be a good mother to me, in fact we're very close with each other even today and she's so dear to me.)

Edited by Varislapsi

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I used to. Sometimes I still do in a way. But it will never happen, and I'm okay with that. 

I grew up around younger kids (only child, but lots of cousins) and somehow that just put me into the mindset fairly early of 'of course I'll have a kid someday'. I was used to kids, I had fun with them, and I never really questioned it, of course I wanted a child of my own. Although I have *never* wanted a biological child, even as a kid I always knew I would adopt if/when it was time. I knew kids in foster homes, in bad places, I always knew I would want to help an already-existing child rather than bring a new one into the world. 

 

Of course things change. I've talked about it here before, over in the abortion thread, I'm simply not mentally able to be a mother and most likely never will be. I think I've come to terms with that, although sometimes it does make me feel like I'm missing out on something, yunno? For the longest time I assumed I'd still be able to raise a child someday, this couldn't possibly last forever, but... Yeah, no. I haven't been in a mental hospital in years and am very rarely 'a danger to myself' anymore, but raising a child is out of the question. There was a time when I'd thought maybe, if I could just get stable enough, and my mom lives with me so she could help... But no. Of course it wouldn't be fair to the child, either. 

 

I would love to be around kids more, though, I've thought about volunteering somewhere or even just babysitting more often ('more often', ha, I haven't done any babysitting in years...). I do want to say that I've never actually felt 'natural' with kids, at least not unless I know them very very well... One reason babysitting isn't as appealing to me. I just often feel like I don't really know what to do or how to interact with them? Back around 2007-2010 I had a next-door neighbor with kids and those kids basically turned into my siblings for awhile, I loved them and sat for them constantly and they were always at our house, and actually it did feel fairly natural to interact with them... On the other hand I lived with a toddler for a year or so and never stopped feeling awkward with her. 

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11 hours ago, Jenneta said:

However, I'm not opposed to motherhood entirely; I would just rather adopt or foster children instead of having my own because I want to show these kids/teenagers-especially those who have unfortunately already experienced a bunch of horrible things-as much of a happy life as I could provide for them because dang it that's what they deserve. But for me I have so much I want to do with my life and-I do NOT mean this in any bad way-I merely don't want to be tied down. Kids are a huge responsibility, and while I believe I would be a good mother (growing up with my circumstances and observing family, I've been fortunate yet unfortunate to see first hand what bad parenting and unstable parents can do to a kid and I believe I know for the most part what kids need to thrive) I just don't want to tie myself down like that, and I would never dream of being so irresponsible to adopt/foster children and then either: A. Uproot them so I could follow my dreams (like traveling the world for example), or B. Shove them on everyone else and expect everyone else to care for them. Just...no. I've seen that so much in my own family and it infuriates me to no end.

 

Anyway, thanks for hosting this discussion, OP! :) It's funny, because I was JUST having this discussion with my mother literally a couple hours ago and then I see this thread. 🤣 It's very interesting reading everyone's responses! :)

 

Thanks, I think it's very interesting too! Somehow it's interesting to read posts from either side, maybe because we can't have both? Thanks for the amazing replies everyone ^^

 

What you said about fostering and adoption, I would love to do some kind of "helping" too in the future. A lot of kids struggle in this world. 

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As I've grown older I've increasingly realized I want to have a wife and children. Partly I think this stems from never having had a great relationship with my own parents; perhaps I'd just like family with whom I can be emotionally close since I didn't have it during my childhood. Partly I've come to realize there are certain aspects of life I don't handle well, namely paying much attention to my physical and emotional health.

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I'm very neutral to the idea. If I had kids, I'd certainly enjoy being a father, but also if I don't have kids, I don't feel like I'm missing out. If I ever marry, it'd pretty much be up to whoever I marry. Of course, I'm not completely sold on the idea of marriage to begin with.

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I am 23 years old, think it's too early to have a child. In my country, it's customary to have children under 30 years old, regardless of financial situation or psychological readiness. Unfortunately, children are often nursed by grandparents, because their parents don't care about them. I plan children only after 30 years old, when I build a career and really want to.

Edited by Zircion

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I am 23 and got my tubes tied at the beginning of 2019! :) I am not going to have children, and my partner and I do not plan on adopting either. I actually don't mind the idea of having kids, just not birthing them. I actually love children! But my boyfriend is not  a fan, so no kiddos for us! 

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Pretty much from the point that I was old enough to understand what having kids involved, I haven't wanted any, and that was over two decades ago.  If I could afford a voluntary hysterectomy, I'd have gotten one long ago.  I'm just not a fan of kids - don't really think they're cute, or enjoy being around them, so there's zero incentive to have my own and deal with them constantly!

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Honestly I'm not really sure yet whether I would want to "have" kids.  I don't know when/if I will ever have my life together enough to be able to take on that kind of responsibility, especially given that the career path I'd like to take involves a *lot* of school; by the time I'm actually ready to "have" kids I may not even be of the age where it's ideal to do so anymore.  That said, if I ever did end up having children, I think it would be through adoption.  I think everyone has the right to choose to have their own biological children, but the thought of birth and putting my body through that terrifies me.  Plus I already have some very wonky hormones [though I'm technically an adult] and I think I could be very susceptible to PPD as I already am with anxiety etc.   Additionally I just think that it would be more beneficial to the world to help children who already exist... They need someone, especially older kids and teens who have a hard time finding good foster homes or adoptive parents.  Passing on my genetics is not important to me, but I may one day feel compelled to help and shape a child through adoption.

Edited by Dekka

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No. At least now, absolutely not planning to. Could be due to me being too young (that's what my parents say, that I would change my mind when I'm older), don't know if my mind would change in ten years, but as someone who has a brother twelve years younger than self, I can say for sure that I have seen what it's like and I definitely don't like it. It's so darn annoying having a kid at home, even if it's not me actually taking care of him.

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I used to be really against the idea, but now I can't wait! My fiancee and I are planning to start IVF before I turn 30, so sometime around 2022 :) All of our friends that are nearby just had babies, so I've got terrible baby fever. 

Edited by hazeh

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Never wanted children, not even growing up. So many reasons to list as to why I didn't have children, but I will mostly name my mother. I never wanted the chance to abuse a child the way she abused me. There is a lot of mental illness on my mom's side of the family, and most of my cousins had children where as I did not. I felt like I at least stopped it on my end if that makes sense. If I ever did want them, I'd adopt. I think adoption is a beautiful name, and blood doesn't make family.

 

Biggest thing that irks me is constantly getting told "Oh, you'll change your mind someday!" when someone asks if I have kids/want kids. At 35, my answer is still no.

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Posted (edited)

I have 2 children now both in their thirties. I am a big believer in spontaneity and when I started living with my partner we lived life & just took things as they came. When I did get pregnant, everybody at the doctor's congratulated me , and I honestly wasn't sure what I felt ,as, as others have said, the idea had always terrified me. (for those of you who are, I can reassure you and say that it  isn't as bad as it sounds. and the joy you get from being a mother is something that I would hate people to regret in later life). My children have said that they aren't planning on having children at present for ecological,political and financial reasons which is their own choice. I cannot describe the overwhelming feeling when you imprint with your first and subsequent children . all I can say is that it has undoubtably made me a better person more empathic, relaxed and able to adapt to problems and see the funny side of things. I lost my 3rd child but when the prospective mothers who were trying again and again consoled me I could only think how lucky I was to have children.  I hope that is in the spirit of the thread. In the end it is your body & own choice.but don't let fear put you off.

Edit: as A biologist I wanted to have at least two children before I was 30 because of the increased risk of genetic abnormalities after that age.

Edited by Velvet_paw

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Never wanted to have them!  It's been 20 years since I realized, and I'm grateful every day that I found out BEFORE having kids that it wasn't something everyone had to do, because I was never really told that growing up.  I think I was 19-21 when I finally realized children were optional and that it wasn't an option I was interested in taking.

 

If I had just fallen into parenthood 'by default' before then, I would have hated it, and kids are smarter and more sensitive than grownups think they are - they would have picked up on the fact that I felt like they were an obligation and a burden, no matter how good a job I tried to do. 

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I've never had any desire to become a parent. I'm not an anti-natalist in that edgy, misanthropic sense, but I don't think the world is missing out on anything if I don't have kids, and I don't feel like I'm tender and empathetic enough to properly raise a small child. I'm in poor health as well and I don't want to make someone else inherit that, because it's not fun. But it doesn't mean I'm opposed to being a mentor figure, especially as I get older. It's why I want to go into higher education as a professor. And maybe, maybe I could be a foster or adoptive parent to teens once I'm much older (like past middle age) since, tragically, a child's chances of being adopted plummet once they're no longer babies.

 

Being queer definitely complicates the question as well. I'm asexual, and to be pregnant, or cause someone else to be pregnant, is extremely uncomfortable to think about. Being aromantic means the marriage/romantic partner bit isn't as appealing either, and being nonbinary makes the whole "man and wife, two kids and a picket fence" thing a little impossible. As a result, I'm going to miss out on a lot of milestones most people look forward to in their lives, but I don't mind-- I like being me, and I like that the question of what kind of life I'm going to live, relationship and family wise, always had an answer that made sense to me. I know deciding whether to have kids or not a difficult decision to make for those on the fence, especially when there are partners and parents who might be pressuring you for a certain answer.

 

My parents haven't said anything about it yet because I'm still relatively young, and they mistake my friend for a romantic partner, so I guess they assume I'll "grow out of it" somehow and give them grandkids, but they'll be setting themselves up for disappointment. I've known since I was a little kid that that kind of life isn't for me, and I'm normally indecisive and wishy-washy about other things, so you know I'm serious when I maintain a certain stance for two decades and counting now.

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