lu & sen

[senyi]

will add more stuff tomorrow afternoon-ish.

 

fight me (๑و•̀ω•́)و

 

basic plot:

a new kid moves into a large town and quickly becomes well liked in their class. the current popular kid becomes jealous and began to spread rumors due to being one of the new kid's close friends. the bullying eventually got out of hand and resulted in the new kid moving away. x years later, the two meet again in high school. sad happens here.

 

x based off of koe no katachi

x typing on phone rn, grammar and plot will be revised tomorrow/soon™ idek tbh.

 

the cast:

 

٩(•̤̀ᵕ•̤́๑)

Name: Ren Wei

Age: 16

Gender: Agender - he/him, they/them

Appearance: Ren is tall, standing at about 6'0" (182 cm), with shaggy black hair that reaches his neck and a face permanently set into a scowl. He has dark eyes, appearing almost black, and often they are narrowed in displeasure. Since he is fond of boxing, Ren has a carefully toned, muscled body that's kept in top-shape thanks to his almost obsessive practising of the sport. Usually, Ren dresses in sloppy styles that consist of the first things he sees in the morning as he goes to get dressed. All in all, he doesn't care much for his outward appearance.

Personality: Angry and bitter, Ren has driven off most people thanks to both the reputation and rumours behind his back and how rude he is to people upfront. Throughout the years, he's grown into a desolate, depressed individual, though his feelings mostly come out in anger more than anything. Now that he's successfully isolated himself from anyone he once considered a friend, Ren feels sad at times when he thinks of what he's done in the past. However, since he is somewhat prideful and moreso filled with anger, he'll project his self-blame onto someone else instead. Generally, he's floated into a void where he considers every day just a passage of time, and that it wouldn't matter if he was alive or dead.

History: When he was younger, Ren was popular and well-liked by most of the school, a known jokester with good looks and a devil-may-care attitude. However, Ren could also take his jokes too far, and as a child he was dependent on the praise he received from others, so much so that it made him easily jealous and unsympathetic to any that he may deem a enemy. He began to slowly take on the role of a bully, scaring away those he deemed a threat to his reputation and might steal what he had away from him. Since he had a demanding air about him back then, the children followed him willingly until his pranks began to grow out of hand at an alarming rate, and he soon fell from grace when he took a prank way too far and succeeded in creating an event that would change his life. After the others turned on him and began whispering rumours behind his back, Ren became angry and withdrawn from everyone. He's since then floated through his middle and high school years of school, never truly belonging. He looks towards the future with contempt more than anything, and never raises his hopes for anything anymore.

Other: Ren is an adapt boxer, and boxing helps him release his feelings of stress and anger.

He's conflicted in his feelings a lot, which leads to misunderstandings.

 

(*ﾟｰﾟ)ゞ

 

Name: Vivien Hong, goes by the name Vivi or Vi as a nickname.

Age: 15 3/4

Gender: Male

Appearance: Vivien stands at 5’7” (170 cm), the average male height and has an androgynous appearance. His hair is cut into a pixie cut with undercut sides and side bangs that reach his right cheek bone. Vivien’s likes to dye his hair occasionally; his natural hair color is black, but as of now, his hair is light brown. Vivien often wears cardigans and jeans, but wouldn’t hesitate to change his clothing style if someone comments about it. He also wears mint green sneakers. On both ears are a safety pin earring.

Personality: As a child, Vivien was charismatic and had little trouble making friends with others. He welcomed people with open arms and tried his best to become everyone’s best friend. After a string of incidents when he was younger, Vivien learned the hard way to be more cautious with others when he gradually became the butt of jokes and pranks. As a result, Vivien’s personality shifted to a more withdrawn and tended to run away from situations when he felt threatened. His younger self initially hated those that cried easily, but Vivien has now become more accepting of people that cried often; Vivien has found himself cry into his pillow one too many times at night or wakes up suddenly in tears due to nightmares. After transferring schools, Vivien has had a negative perspective on life, but he’s been working on becoming more positive and open to others. Even so, Vivien has a habit of holding grudges against others after the incident in elementary school.

History: Vivien’s life changed when he moved to a new town, which also meant meeting new people and a new learning environment. Initially, Vivien was excited to make new friends, as he was one of the more popular kids at his old school. Vivien had little issue at his new school; he rose quickly in the social hierarchy at school. He did well at school, had playdates with friends, and often brought home stories of what he did at school. However, everything began to change when one of his closer friends began to play pranks, which quickly delved into the bullying spectrum. After a particular prank that went too far, Vivien’s parents decided to move to a smaller town and enroll Vivien into private school. At private school, Vivien began to develop feelings of self hatred to himself – why couldn’t he defend himself when he was clearly being bullied? Why didn’t anyone defend him, a clear target? Towards the end of his middle school years, Vivien began to slowly revert back to his charismatic ways, although the memory of his days of being a bullying target was still fresh in his mind. At the end of Vivien's freshman year, Vivien’s parents decided that they were going to move back to the same town because Vivien’s grandmother’s health was deteriorating and his family decided that they’d take care of her. As of now, Vivien dreads the thought of going to the local high school, but has a shred of hope for a slightly better future.

Other: Vivien has poor athletic skills and likes bread and coffee. In his free time, he tries to count stars and can often be seen standing in the rain without an umbrella (to his mother’s dismay).

Edited November 21, 2015 by XiaoChibi

[senyi]

reserved in case of an emergency.

( •⌄• ू )✧

[Lady_Lunevis]

eyy i'm so excited to emotionally ruin our cuties

wanna start on character sheets?? OO: uffmp do you just wanna go by general sheets or make one up? / v \

[senyi]

ohoho i can't wait :,D

hmm let's go with a general character sheet.

[Lady_Lunevis]

samesame omg many excites

eyy okok so here's ren : ^ )

ufffmp just tell me if i need to add anything i think i got most things??? omg

 

Name: Ren Wei

Age: 16

Gender: Agender - he/him, they/them

Appearance: Ren is tall, standing at about 6'0" (182 cm), with shaggy black hair that reaches his neck and a face permanently set into a scowl. He has dark eyes, appearing almost black, and often they are narrowed in displeasure. Since he is fond of boxing, Ren has a carefully toned, muscled body that's kept in top-shape thanks to his almost obsessive practising of the sport. Usually, Ren dresses in sloppy styles that consist of the first things he sees in the morning as he goes to get dressed. All in all, he doesn't care much for his outward appearance.

Personality: Angry and bitter, Ren has driven off most people thanks to both the reputation and rumours behind his back and how rude he is to people upfront. Throughout the years, he's grown into a desolate, depressed individual, though his feelings mostly come out in anger more than anything. Now that he's successfully isolated himself from anyone he once considered a friend, Ren feels sad at times when he thinks of what he's done in the past. However, since he is somewhat prideful and moreso filled with anger, he'll project his self-blame onto someone else instead. Generally, he's floated into a void where he considers every day just a passage of time, and that it wouldn't matter if he was alive or dead.

History: When he was younger, Ren was popular and well-liked by most of the school, a known jokester with good looks and a devil-may-care attitude. However, Ren could also take his jokes too far, and as a child he was dependent on the praise he received from others, so much so that it made him easily jealous and unsympathetic to any that he may deem a enemy. He began to slowly take on the role of a bully, scaring away those he deemed a threat to his reputation and might steal what he had away from him. Since he had a demanding air about him back then, the children followed him willingly until his pranks began to grow out of hand at an alarming rate, and he soon fell from grace when he took a prank way too far and succeeded in creating an event that would change his life. After the others turned on him and began whispering rumours behind his back, Ren became angry and withdrawn from everyone. He's since then floated through his middle and high school years of school, never truly belonging. He looks towards the future with contempt more than anything, and never raises his hopes for anything anymore.

Other: Ren is an adapt boxer, and boxing helps him release his feelings of stress and anger.

He's conflicted in his feelings a lot, which leads to misunderstandings.

Edited June 30, 2015 by Lady_Lunevis

[senyi]

[ screams ] this took longer than expected; i spent way too much time looking for possible hairstyles ; v;

(edited to add extra stuff)

 

Name: Vivien Hong, goes by the name Vivi or Vi as a nickname.

Age: 15 3/4

Gender: Male

Appearance: Vivien stands at 5’7” (170 cm), the average male height and has an androgynous appearance. His hair is cut into a pixie cut with undercut sides and side bangs that reach his right cheek bone. Vivien’s likes to dye his hair occasionally; his natural hair color is black, but as of now, his hair is light brown. Vivien often wears cardigans and jeans, but wouldn’t hesitate to change his clothing style if someone comments about it. He also wears mint green sneakers. On both ears are a safety pin earring.

Personality: As a child, Vivien was charismatic and had little trouble making friends with others. He welcomed people with open arms and tried his best to become everyone’s best friend. After a string of incidents when he was younger, Vivien learned the hard way to be more cautious with others when he gradually became the butt of jokes and pranks. As a result, Vivien’s personality shifted to a more withdrawn and tended to run away from situations when he felt threatened. His younger self initially hated those that cried easily, but Vivien has now become more accepting of people that cried often; Vivien has found himself cry into his pillow one too many times at night or wakes up suddenly in tears due to nightmares. After transferring schools, Vivien has had a negative perspective on life, but he’s been working on becoming more positive and open to others. Even so, Vivien has a habit of holding grudges against others after the incident in elementary school.

History: Vivien’s life changed when he moved to a new town, which also meant meeting new people and a new learning environment. Initially, Vivien was excited to make new friends, as he was one of the more popular kids at his old school. Vivien had little issue at his new school; he rose quickly in the social hierarchy at school. He did well at school, had playdates with friends, and often brought home stories of what he did at school. However, everything began to change when one of his closer friends began to play pranks, which quickly delved into the bullying spectrum. After a particular prank that went too far, Vivien’s parents decided to move to a smaller town and enroll Vivien into private school. At private school, Vivien began to develop feelings of self hatred to himself – why couldn’t he defend himself when he was clearly being bullied? Why didn’t anyone defend him, a clear target? Towards the end of his middle school years, Vivien began to slowly revert back to his charismatic ways, although the memory of his days of being a bullying target was still fresh in his mind. At the end of Vivien's freshman year, Vivien’s parents decided that they were going to move back to the same town because Vivien’s grandmother’s health was deteriorating and his family decided that they’d take care of her. As of now, Vivien dreads the thought of going to the local high school, but has a shred of hope for a slightly better future.

Other: Vivien has poor athletic skills and likes bread and coffee. In his free time, he tries to count stars and can often be seen standing in the rain without an umbrella (to his mother’s dismay).

Edited July 2, 2015 by XiaoChibi

[Lady_Lunevis]

I LOVE VIVI MUST PROTECT OMG [ holds him close ]

omg ayeee okok so we have the thing <33 do you wanna start or should i? : ^ )

[senyi]

”Are you going to be okay going to school?”

”Yeah, of course Mom, I’ll be fine.”

 

He didn’t want to go. No, the very moment he left the house Vivien felt a sense of dread pool in his stomach. How would they react to him coming back to town, especially after almost seven years? Would they even accept the new him? Vivien shivered. He could still visualize the awful things others wrote on his desk and the water closing in on him after the fall.

 

“I’ll be okay,” Vivien muttered, clenching his fist. “I’m stronger now and maybe this time would be better.”

As he continued walking, Vivien noticed that little had changed in the town within the seven years that he had been away. The café, Twin Stars, still remained on Rose Street and Vivien still saw familiar faces on the street. Of course, people had aged, but the atmosphere of the town remained the same – quiet. Although Vivien had visited during the holidays, he spent most of his time at his grandmother’s house (what if someone from his class saw him?) and preferred helping his grandparents with tasks inside the house rather than taking walks around town.

 

Five minutes or so passed when Vivien walked into the school grounds (blend in, blend in and you’ll be okay). Vivien noticed the freshmen scrambling around campus trying to find their homeroom and the upperclassmen making small talk with others. The atmosphere of the school felt crowded – after spending his time in smaller classes, Vivien felt overwhelmed by the sea of students at the high school. Vivien pulled a map of the school that was folded in his cardigan pocket. A red circle marked his homeroom classroom, Room 151. As of now, Vivien was in the courtyard and the 150 hall was in the eastern area of the school. If he passed by the art center and the 250 hall, he’d be able to find the classroom.

 

By the time Vivien walked into the classroom, it was already half full with students chatting with each other. Vivien decided on a seat in the back of the class and seated himself there. It’ll be alright in the back of the room, right? There would be less attention drawn to him if he sat where no one could notice him and hopefully, the teacher wouldn't choose him to participate in class that often. As he waited for the bell to ring, Vivien tried to smooth out the nonexistent wrinkles in his grey cardigan.

 

There's two minutes left until the bell rings.

[Lady_Lunevis]

Water.

There's water everywhere.

His first thought is that there must be a flood, but--

It's funny, isn't it?

He's . . . laughing.

Everyone's laughing. It feels great.

It feels great.

. . .

Why aren't you laughing?

He wakes with a jolt, and Ren sighs as he stares up into the white ceiling of his room. Sunlight has splattered a beautiful mosaic of white-gold rays, stretching lazily across the flat wall with no real purpose.

For a second, he's blinded by their beauty. And then, he's rolling out of bed with a hand lazily reaching across the bed to feel around his small bedside table.

. . . What?

Where's his alarm clock?

Ren sighs, closing his eyes momentarily. Hands grip at the fabric of his blanket, and the black-haired male pauses before suddenly springing up, pushing his sheets off to the side as he gets up with a yawn.

Well, first task done.

Only a hundred more to go. Autopilot?

Why not.

He rummages around his room with no real purpose, only remembering that he needs to get dressed after he's inspected some books lying off to the side and a slightly bent pencil. Pulling the shirt over his head, Ren's trance is broken when his foot nudges something in the corner.

Looking down, the male sees that it's his . . .

Ah.

His alarm clock is lying facedown on the ground, and the black-haired male has distant memories of throwing the thing to the ground earlier this morning.

Serves him right for sleeping at 5AM the previous day--or earlier this day?

He stands in the space of his room, eyes flickering around for a moment. Bland white walls, bland brown desk, bland black sheets.

It's almost as if no one lives here. And as far as he's concerned, no one does.

He makes his way down the stairs slowly--ah, no one's home. He's pretty sure that after last year, his parents have entirely given up on getting him to go to school in time.

He can imagine his mother now. The first day of school? You have to make a good impression!

Long ago, scruffy black hair and dark eyes did the job. He was attractive, he was funny--

He had it all.

Ironic, how in the end everything equals nothing.

It's ten minutes past the first bell by the time he finishes eating a breakfast of bread--simple bread, nothing on it--and a glass of water, and Ren picks up his bag lying lonely in the middle of the hall before waving a goodbye to their dog--who looks at him with something akin to pity in those dark eyes, and well of course--

Then he's making his way down the street, stopping to gaze at the flowers and the image of the sun scattering across the cement. Now that everyone is--or should be--in school or at work, there's no one about in the fields.

Well, good.

He hates people.

When he decides he can't stand the sunlight any longer, either, he makes his way into the school. The click of the door is entirely too loud for his tastes, and Ren surges forwards before he can doubt himself.

He hates summer, too. And the end of it.

He isn't particularly fond of autumn, either.

His feet lead him to where he needs to go--autopilot? Or just a lack of care for anything? The same thing, really--and he pushes open the door just as the teacher is handing out textbooks.

Well.

Millions of eyes immediately snap to him, and it's as soon as they've recognised his features that the rumours begin. He can see mouths beginning to curve up in taunting smirks, and he hates it--

Funny how that used to be your favourite expression.

The teacher gives him a forced smile and a quick nod, asking him to please take a seat, and for a moment Ren is tempted to argue just for the sake of feeling something, but he decides otherwise--because everyone is looking at him, christ--and instead stomps to the back of the room, slamming his bag down on an empty desk next to someone he can't be bothered to acknowledge, and draping himself across the seat.

He hates life, too.

Lazy eyes flicker around, and he recognises the faces of people he hates. Him, her, him, her, him, her--

As he looks to his left, expecting to cross another off the list of people he just can't stand, Ren meets wide--scared?--eyes.

What?

Who . . . ?

He doesn't recognise the face.

A newcomer?

[senyi]

After the bell rang, the teacher stood in front of the class and introduced themselves. She wrote her name on the whiteboard in neat, bubbly handwriting.

“Welcome to class,” she announced with a smile (was it fake?). “I’ll start first by taking roll. When I call your name, please raise your hand and say here.”

The teacher read through the student roster. A handful of the names sounded familiar – they were some of his former classmates in elementary school.

“Vivien Hong.”

He raised his hand and smiled. “Present.”

A couple heads turned and made eye contact with him. Ah, what now? Were they sizing up potential competition or were they busy categorizing him now?

Did anyone even recognize him?

 

”Ren Wei.”

Silence. There were some muffled snickers and the teacher scolded the class.

Ren. The name sounded familiar, were they someone from his elementary school class? Vivien closed his eyes and pictured a laughing boy with dark hair and eyes. If he remembered correctly, Vivien was friends with someone whose name started with an ‘R;’ the names of his former peers had gradually slipped from Vivien’s mind as the years went by. After all, the only memento Vivien had from his year spent at that school was the burden he received from constant bullying. Names had faded into the deeds that made his life a living hell.

I only remember them as bullies. Their names don’t mean anything to me.

 

“Now I’ll start handing out your textbooks in a moment. When I hand them to you, please write your name, class year, and the condition of your book.”

Vivien sighed and began to survey the classroom. Their teacher was in the front distributing textbooks. Almost all of the seats were filled, except for one on his left side; who would be interested in sitting next to the new kid when they have other friends?

Ren would probably be sitting here. There aren’t any other seats left. Sucks for him I guess.

His eyes wandered to the person sitting in front of him. Were they as bored as he was in this situation? The first week of school was always boring because it was the period of time that students began to transition from summer break to becoming a student once again. As a seemingly endless cycle, Vivien hoped that the year would end quickly. If his sophomore year ended up being in his favor, Vivien would’ve been content with a normal (bully free) year.

 

By the time the teacher was hovering in the middle row, the door clicked open and someone (a student?) walked into the classroom.

Tall.

Dark hair and eyes.

A look of displeasure?

All eyes are focused on the newcomer. The teacher smiles (another fake one?) and nods at the student.

“Please take a seat. I am handing out textbooks right now. Make sure you write your name, year, and condition in the inside cover.”

How robotic.

Others around Vivien begin to smirk – who was this person? Vivien frowned. How did a single person manage to get the entire class to hate him?

How cruel humans are against one another.

 

The boy (Ren.) paraded his way to the back of the room (how shameless) and plops himself and his bag on the empty desk.

Like a bull in a china shop.

Ren glances around the room. His eyes flicker from student to student (an assessment?) until Ren’s eyes meet his own.

They stare at each other – light brown meeting dark, almost black eyes.

Realization strikes Vivien and his eyes widen. He’s seen this person before.

A spark of recognition ah, it isn’t reciprocated.

Regardless, Vivien’s breath hitches. He knows Ren Wei. Yes, he recognizes the shape of Ren’s face, his eyes, the build, but not the expression.

Vivien remembered a face with a permanent smirk plastered on his face. A boy surrounded by people he called friends, not enemies. A prankster. The ringleader.

: : :

The boy was one of the first friends Vivien had befriended at school.

It was during the first five minutes of snack recess. Vivien was snacking on crackers on the bench chatting with other students until a boy with dark hair approached Vivien. He held his hand out to Vivien and introduced himself. Vivien smiled and shook the hand.

A new friend.

 

The pranks started out small. It had began with a simple “kick me” sign taped on Vivien’s back. Of course, Vivien laughed it off, it was only a joke and Ren was only kidding, right?

Vivien had never anticipated the pranks to grow in scale – and number. Others had began participating in the pranks that Ren led. Itwasn’tfunwhyweretheydoingit. Someone please make it stop.

It wasn’t funny anymore.

: : :

Vivien broke eye contact with Ren. He clenched his fist, nails digging into his palm. Why didn’t he recognize Ren’s name from the beginning?

He knew Ren too well. Vivien swallowed.

The prime cause of Vivien’s downfall was too close for comfort.

[Lady_Lunevis]

He liked being the leader.

He always has.

He likes having people look up to him, follow him. Trust in him.

Was your self-confidence dependent on those around you?

Is that how shallow you really are?

A pause.

So maybe it had been a bit cruel to steal his homework.

He remembers . . . He remembers being told about this project. How the other boy's face had scrunched up in anger at how none of his teammates were cooperating, how he had been forced to do everything.

Countless hours. Countless nights. Sleepless, working, working.

And now?

He dangles the thing above the bridge.

There are voice all around.

Go, they say.

Do it.

Do it.

Don't do it . . . ?

As if he has a chance.

He drops the thing. It lands with a plop, and Ren is surprised--huh, he thought it'd splash more.

He blocks out the agitated wail that follows with the roars of laughter from all sides.

 

This person.

He didn't know them.

Who . . . who were they?

A newcomer?

There was a newcomer long ago.

He . . . he doesn't want history to repeat.

Why are you even trying?

I want . . . I want someone who . . .

Someone who doesn't hate me.

What a small hope that is. He stares blankly at the textbook the teacher lays down before him, speaking in soft tones. He blocks out her warm, fake voice, and instead realises he's still staring awkwardly at the stranger.

"Hey."

His own voice is painfully awkward to his ears, and he can hear snickers from all around. Ren wants to turn around, to fight those who dare to laugh at him, but years and years of trying to fight back have taught him that those who rebel are those who lose.

The universe punishes the unjust. And you are not a victim.

Immediately, he attempts to look as casually indifferent as he can manage. Bored black eyes flicker around, and he awkwardly opens the side of the textbook.

Crap.

What were they supposed to do? He'd missed the beginning of class, and he knew the teacher wouldn't bother giving him the time of day, never mind repeat her instructions.

All the teachers know him.

He's the devil-child.

He used to be . . . he used to be the teacher's pet. Little Ren, smart and popular and a daredevil. Always ready to answer questions.

Now, he's the rebel. The one who picked fights, the one who talked back to teachers and constantly skipped class. He's been barely scraping past his grades these past few years, and it'll be a wonder if he ever passes highschool.

Briefly, he wonders about this newcomer. Who were they? Would they become the popular, know-it-all class president who looked down on him as if he was scum of the earth? Or the jock, always laughing, with hard fists and muscles Ren couldn't hope to compare with? Or . . .

A popular boy, a bully?

Isn't it funny?

[senyi]

: : :

The project was the last straw.

After weeks of missing homework, (“teacher I did it I swear it was in my binder. no, I’m serious I had it in my binder; my homework was with me when I came to class”) the class was assigned a group project.

With his luck, Vivien was assigned to a group with Ren, a boy, and a girl. He was glad to be with a friend (was he even a friend at that point?) and two hard workers.

He was wrong.

From the first day to the very last, he was forced to work hours by himself on the project.

He was alone.

They were useless.

He tried to tell the teacher, but after receiving a disapproving look and “your group members are doing their share too at home,” Vivien was ready to drop the project altogether.

But he couldn’t.

“My parents would be disappointed in me if I failed this project.”

 

That fateful day came quicker than expected. The presentation went well.

Fake smiles and mindless clapping.

His “friend” explaining the ideas stolen from him.

The other two...how could they?

 

A fast forward to the bridge.

Ren dangling the project.

Nononononononoyoucan’tdothat.

How could you?

He saw the project drop.

He jumped.

Everything was cold.

socold.

: : :

"Hey."

Ren.

He talked to me.

Does he remember me?

Vivien swallowed. He could hear the snickers from the students and felt the pit in his stomach grow.

All eyes are on me right now.

What did he want from me?

 

“Hey’s for horses,” Vivien replied after a moment. “Horses. Hay. They eat hay.”

The words felt like lead in his mouth.

(Was that all you had to say to him?)

What would the others think of him now?

A weirdo, that’s for sure.

Ren opened his textbook, eyes glued at the inside cover.

Is he lost?

“Ren,” Vivien whispered. “We’re supposed to write our name, year, and the book’s condition right now. I'm Vivien by the way. They used to call me Vivi back then, but Vivien's fine too.”

He (fake) smiled.

Perhaps he could scrape by the first day with the image of a clichéd cinnamon roll kid.

I can do it. I’ll make it.

Edited August 6, 2015 by XiaoChibi

[Lady_Lunevis]

Did he ever feel bad for it?

He . . . he doesn't know.

Maybe he doesn't want to know?

Why did I do it?

He remembers everything. He remembers purposefully picking Vivien because everyone thought it was funny, thought it was just classic how the boy seemed to think they were friends.

He remembers purposefully shooting a hand into the air, demanding for Vivi to be part of their group. And, well, the teachers can't refuse their favourite little Ren, right?

He was disgusting.

He is disgusting.

He remembers how they played, how when Vivi brought up the project he simply waved it off with a "You're worrying too much!" and how, with the deadline only three days ago, and after constant hours of labour and sweat and tears Vivi had finally asked him to do something, and he laughed in the other boy's face.

"What's the matter?"

"Don't you want to make your friends happy?"

And the others had joined in, until he could see the boy physically shaking from anger. What had he thought at that point in time? Ren can't fathom how he could ever believe that any of his past actions were justified, but for some reason, they were.

He'd manipulated Vivi, hadn't he?

Left the other boy in the dust.

He feels as if he can't breathe.

I'm sorry.

The presentation day.

He explained it all with a large smile, though he had no idea what was going on, and stepped in front of Vivi when the other boy stepped forwards to explain his section.

But it was funny, wasn't it?

It was funny to the class. How Vivi trembled.

"What's the matter?"

"Do you care for your project that much?"

"Even more than your friends?"

He wants to take the spotlight. He has to.

He's more dependent on the others liking him than anything else.

And Vivi doesn't mind, does he?

Ren remembers, in one of his angrier moments, wanting to know why Vivi hadn't stood up for himself. Why Vivi didn't question his methods, why he hadn't said anything, why he simply up and disappeared and why, years after, Ren is killing himself slowly over everything that happened in the past--

He wants to find a way to blame the other.

So it won't hurt so much when he realises he's the sole person responsible for all of this.

He wants to punch something.

:: un

The project was the last straw. As much as one is loved, nothing can excuse a student physically jumping off the bridge.

"Why did you do it?"

"Did you want to die?"

He remembers seeing a small body pitch off. He remembers laughing--why? Why?--until they realised Vivi wasn't coming back up.

"Oh man, can he swim?"

"It would be hilarious if not."

"Vivi will be fine," Ren had replied. "He's part seal, after all. Loud and obnoxious enough to be one."

His words were followed with laughter.

"What have you done?!"

And then he was . . .

Alone.

He remembers, distantly, seeing the teachers shriek. Seeing parents come to pick up their kids glare at him.

"No, my child could never have done that."

"It's all him. That kid. Ren Wei."

"I saw him, teacher."

"I saw him urge Vivi off the bridge."

And did he?

He can't remember anymore.

It's his fault.

:: :: deux

When he heard Vivi was moving, he wasn't surprised.

Was he?

It's hard to place words on his emotions.

He's . . . sad.

He can't be.

And . . .

He's alone.

That, he doesn't deny.

He's been alone from that point onwards, until it doesn't quite bother him anymore.

Well, he likes to pretend that it doesn't.

:: :: :: trois

As soon as he speaks, he can hear the laughter.

It feels awful.

How did . . . how did you ever deal with this?

He almost feels bad for the random newcomer who suddenly will be pulled into this.

He doesn't deserve this.

No one deserves this.

Except for one horrible human being.

“Hey’s for horses,” the boy suddenly blurted out, and Ren blinked. What . . . ?

“Horses. Hay. They eat hay.”

What a weird one.

Then again, he'll take weird over mean anyday.

"That they do," he replied.

“Ren,” the other spoke again, and Ren jumped, turning towards him with dark eyes, slightly narrowed.

How . . .

How does he know his name . . . ?

He couldn't . . . he couldn't have heard it around, could he?

“We’re supposed to write our name, year, and the book’s condition right now. I'm Vivien by the way. They used to call me Vivi back then, but Vivien's fine too.”

He almost doesn't hear the first few words spoken, because nothing matters other than the fact--

Vivien.

Vivi.

They used to call me Vivi back then.

His throat clenches up.

He can't breathe.

How . . . ?

What . . . ?

He takes another look at the one before him, and--oh god--

"Vivi," he chokes out, the name feeling strangled on his tongue--

Because you don't have any right to say that, you forfeited that right long ago, stop saying it stop saying it stopstopstopstopstop--

He's going to--

He needs--

Ren settles for all but ejecting himself out of the seat, staring at Vivi in horror--but no, not the horror that comes with knowing who the other is, but the horror that comes with knowing this is the person he's spent countless hours writing I'm sorry I'm sorry I'msorryI'msorry to and now--

He slams out of the classroom, nearly tripping over a desk. The class has gone deathly quiet now, but he cares less. He shoves past the teacher, who gives a shrill little shriek and demands he return, but he runs on--

I need--

I need to be alone.

It isn't until he's outside does Ren realise he left his schoolbag and everything back in the classroom, and now the school will call his parents for 'attitude management', and his mother will sigh and dad will shake his head and he's so sorry--

He settles for stumbling to the nearest restroom and sliding down, gripping his head between his hands.

Vivi.

He can't do this.

He's going to ask for a--a transfer! Yes, that's right--he'll transfer out of the entire bloody school and all will be fine, everything will be good--

You're too much of a coward.

[senyi]

: : :

On the day he jumped over the bridge, he didn’t feel anything except for the water closing in on him.

The fall was quick and he felt the wind fluttering around him.

He didn’t hear anything from the others above.

A splash.

IthurtswhatdidIdowrong?

The impact hurts.

I need it.

I need to find my project.

Where is it?

He opened his eyes to blurred shapes.

Cold.

My. . .

Where did you go?

I need to breathe.

Vivien turned his head to the left.

Nestled in the rocks and sand was the booklet.

It’s wet and I need to---

Breathe! !

AirIneedtobreathe.

Theprojectgettheprojectretrieve! !

He opened his mouth to breathe and consequently swallowed a mouthful of water.

Where. . .

I can’t find the top.

Mom. . .

Dad. . .

. . .someone [help me]

I’m scared.

On the day he jumped, he never got the project back.

On the day he jumped, he didn’t resurface from the water by himself.

On the day he jumped, he. . .

 

The ceiling was unfamiliar was the first thought that trickled through his mind.

Where am I?

Arms wrapped around him, hugging him tightly.

“I--we were so worried when the school called. I called your dad the moment I heard--are you feeling okay? The doctor said that you’ve got bruises from the impact and they want to monitor you for the night to check for anything else--”

Translation: you nearly drowned and the doctors want to make sure nothing is wrong with you [but there is something wrong with me].

“I’m alright, Mom,” he replied. “Tell them that I can go to school tomorrow. I can’t miss a day, right? Not everyone’s done presenting and I wanna see what they did.”

“Vivien Felix.”

Oh no.

She never used his full name. His mother usually called him Vivi.

What happened during the time that he was unconscious?

[Mother] took a deep breath.

Exhale.

“Your dad and I also talked about. . .moving. I--we didn’t know about your circumstances at school and this. . .we can’t have you go to school with that friend of yours anymore.”

I wish you knew.

I’m afraid to tell you.

“We’re worried about you, Vivi.”

She hugged him tighter.

“You’re going to attend a private school in xxx. It’s a forty minute drive from here and we can always--Vivi are you alright?!”

His vision was blurring.

The waterworks came.

I can’t come back here like this.

I’m ruining Mom’s clothes.

Stop.

Stopstopstop.

StopcryingpleaseIcan’tcrynow.

A dull ache was beginning to settle in his stomach.

Hate.

Terrible.

It hurts.

I hate you.

I can’t go home anymore because of you.

Hate.

He squeezed tighter.

If you saw me like this, would you laugh?

 

After that day, he didn’t go back to the elementary school.

 

The cards began to pile on his doorstep.

He didn’t read a single one, and placed them in a shoebox under his bed.

 

I hate. . .

 

A classmate that was at the bridge later told him during a visit to his house that they thought he was fine when he jumped in and assumed that he’d be okay – he seemed like a decent swimmer during the phys ed class.

How could you say that to me?

I was never good at sports.

Vivien recalled slamming the door in the poor classmate’s face after hearing them talk.

Why didn’t anyone help me?

Why?

: : :

”Vivi.”

Ren choked his name out.

It’s been years since someone (Ren) called him Vivi.

The name seems almost foreign now.

(A piece of what you lost.)

(Don’tlistentohimdon’tdon’t…)

Vivien couldn’t help but stare.

There’s nothing I can say.

Silence.

The clock ticks.

The class is watching.

The teacher-- even she was watching.

All eyes were on them.

There is a lump that’s starting to build in his throat.

Nothing.

Vivien bites his lip.

He stands up from his seat.

A look of horror was written onto his face when he stared at Vivien.

(Did he feel guilty?)

Ren rushed out of the classroom, and almost trips on one of the desks up front (how laughable).

In a matter of moments, Ren was out the door.

“Mr. Wei, get back in your seat, or so help me, I’ll call your parents!”

He’s gone.

The sound of running footsteps faded away.

Vivien glanced at the now vacant seat. In his haste to get away from the classroom, Ren left his backpack and textbook at his desk. If he could…

“Now class, we’re going to begin with the first chapter. Avery could you please--”

Vivien raised his hand.

“Yes Vivien?”

“I think Ren left his stuff here when he ran out of the classroom. I can bring it to the office if you want.”

 

: : :

 

He was a little surprised that he managed to convince his teacher to allow him on a trip to the office.

Ren’s backpack was slung over his shoulders and Vivien held the textbook in his hands.

It’s not that heavy.

Vivien took a left and walked through the hall to the office.

“I guess I’m at the admin office--”

Ah.

This wasn’t it.

In bolded letters, the door spelled out “COUNSELING OFFICE” in capital letters. Underneath the sign was a laminated sheet labelled “ADMINISTRATION OFFICE ←”.

Wrong office.

Vivien followed the sign’s directions to a building on the opposite side labelled “ADMINISTRATION OFFICE.”

This is it.

 

: : :

 

The first time he went to the office was for a stomachache.

He didn’t really have a stomachache, but he did feel a little queasy after cleaning the words scribbled onto his desk off.

“I don’t feel well.”

“Make a phone call to your mom and wait at one of the chairs,” the receptionist replied as she typed on her computer.

His mom came fifteen minutes later.

“Let’s go home, Vi. I’ll make you an early lunch.”

Hand in hand with a sense of dread, he walked with his mother to the car.

[ I can’t tell her about what happened. ]

 

: : :

 

“I’m here to drop off Ren Wei’s backpack and textbook. He left it in the classroom.”

The office person nodded and pointed to the dropoff basket.

“Thanks.”

Vivien opened the door and exited out of the office.

He’s changed.

 

[Lady_Lunevis]

Of course, they were questioned.

Why did you let him jump?

What did you see?

How did this happen?

Yet none of the teachers seem too convinced. Too worried. He remembers seeing the art teacher, with her face usually lit bright with smiles, her eyes sparkling with excitement for a new day, taking him gently into class and asking him about the events that occurred on the bridge. He remembers telling her that he can't remember too well what happened, that he doesn't understand.

She let him take a piece of candy from her super secret top shelf and let him go back to class, packing up his bag to filter through the halls to gym.

[ No one can blame the kids, after all. ]

He . . . he doesn't think he saw Vivi again after that moment.

He hadn't given it much thought.

Vivi'd show up, right?

He couldn't have abandoned us.

{ How cowardly. }

We were only having fun.

{ Such a crybaby. }

 

 

He remembers one afternoon, when his mom was running late to pick him up. He sits outside the main office, swinging his legs that don't quite touch the ground. He feels the hard wooden surface of the bench graze against the back of his thighs, the thin material of his shorts doing little to prevent his skin from slamming onto the wood.

They wrote words on Vivi's desk again.

He didn't come to wash them off.

The principal steps into the room, crow's feet lining the sides of his eyes. His wrinkled face, his reclining hairline, his thin lips permanently turned down in a frown. He takes a look at the desk, shares a glance with the math teacher, and then walks over.

{ Can anyone tell me who did this? }

The class is quiet.

A sigh.

An inhale, as if the weight of the world rests on his shoulders.

Ren thinks he looks ugly, with his face scrunched up and brows narrowed in frustration.

{ Children, I need you to understand. We, collectively, as a school, work towards excellence and exceeding expectations for each and every student. We aspire to create a working, supportive environment for a child. And we cannot tolerate blatant bullying. }

He uses a lot of big words Ren doesn't know, and the boy grows bored. He swings his legs, but everything comes to an abrupt stop come the last words out of his mouth.

Bullying.

But . . . it's not bullying, is it?

Vivi and I are friends.

We have fun.

I'm laughing. It's fun.

He's seen bullying. He knows bullying. It comes in the form of what he sees on the T.V., with highschoolers shoving the younger into lockers. With someone bursting into tears. With scrapes and bruises and harsh words, but this is not bullying.

He's never seen Vivi cry.

. . . Does he cry?

{ Can you tell me who did this? }

The atmosphere seems to choke him.

He can't breathe. He can't breathe.

[ You're wrong. ]

A girl bursts into tears at the back of the class, and all eyes turn to her.

[ You're wrong you're wrong you're wrong you'rewrongyou'rewrongyou'rewrong-- ]

Someone raises a hand.

{ Ren Wei, sir. }

[ Stop stop stop stop stopstop-- ]

Hundreds, thousands of eyes meet his, and he freezes in his seat.

Someone else adds their voice to the testimony.

{ He's always fooling around, sir. I've seen him push Vivien and mock him. }

[ You don't understand. ]

None of them understand.

That's what friends do.

Vivi is his friend.

He likes . . . he likes to make fun of his friends.

How many . . .

How many friends does he have?

[ I can't . . .

I can't remember. ]

They phoned his parents.

 

 

His mother isn't disappointed, is she?

He doesn't think he could stand it if she was.

{ You're wrong. }

The principal runs a hand through what little hair he has left.

{ My son has done no such things. }

At least his mother will always have faith in him.

 

 

When they get home, she kneels down.

Her hands grip his shoulders, and she spins him around to face her.

{ Ren. }

He's never heard her speak this way.

{ What did you do? }

She's looking at him as if she doesn't know who he is.

He doesn't answer.

 

 

A week after it has been officially announced that Vivien Hong is changing schools, he arrives early.

Everything is quiet now.

Too quiet.

He misses running outside into the sunshine, catching worms and chasing frogs.

He misses sneaking bugs into Vivi's bag, his desk. He misses stealing his friend's things, shaking his pencilcase out over the bridge. He misses writing things in marker, misses skipping home with ideas already in his head for tomorrow, misses, misses, misses--

He misses Vivi.

Or . . . the idea of Vivi?

He misses the attention the other kids gave him, how they followed him.

Now . . . no one will talk to him.

He makes it to school and sits at his desk, staring at the wood. Ten minutes later, the rest of the class starts filtering in. He raises his eyes, forces a smile and a hand up in greeting, and--

Someone drops the empty remains of his pencilbag, which had been missing since three days ago (and he's been surviving on a small pencil ever since), onto his desk.

It's soggy and disgusting.

There's mud and leaves in it.

And . . .

He realises he doesn't have that many friends after all.

{ I hate you all! }

[ Is this how Vivi felt? ]

 

:: :: ::

 

He collapses into the restroom, slamming into the door with his entire body.

He's shaking.

Why won't he stop shaking?

He sweeps his gaze across the room almost wildly, looking for some sort of comfort. He settles for leaning over the sink, noticing the way the tap hasn't been properly turned off and how a small trickle of water gently pours out, and grips his head between his hands.

How?

How could Vivi be here?

After all these years.

What does he do?

He doesn't care.

He can't care.

His existence . . . is meaningless. He's floating through life, nothing but a leaf in the wind. He can't afford to stop and acknowledge something--someone--from his past that . . .

Isn't this all his fault?

He kills the murderous thought just as it comes.

This is your fault.

He wants to scream. He wants to cry and shout and stomp all so that someone will listen--

This is unfair.

Nothing about this is okay.

 

:: :: ::

 

He stumbles from the restroom in a daze, uncaring that his teacher has probably called his parents. By now, they're used to his behaviour. By now, they simply shake their head and look at him with pitying eyes and pretend that all is well--

"I'm here to pick up my stuff," he grumbles to the receptionist at the school's office. "I'm Ren. Ren Wei."

She gives him a raised eyebrow and points to the dropoff basket, where his backpack and textbook are sitting calmly. He grabs his pack, swinging it onto his back, and tucks his textbook under his arm.

He leaves without saying thanks.

It isn't until he exits the office does he question how his items got there in the first place--maybe the teacher? A classmate?

As if.

He decides that he might as well skip the rest of the day--he can't stand being in a classroom with people who hate him, who look down on him, and it's not as if he learns much anyway. Instead, he settles for walking out of the building and swinging around to the side of the school, where he sits down on a secluded bench and rests his face in his hands. His mind is a vortex of dark thoughts, swirling and angry and threatening to swallow him whole. Time seems to freeze still at the exact time it passes on and on, too fast for his comprehension, and Ren wants everything to end.

He doesn't move until he hears the bell ring for lunch break.

[senyi]

Before Vivien knew it, the bell signaling that lunch break rang. The students began filing out of the classroom, and there were a few students that remained in their seats. Vivien had left his lunchbox in his locker, so he walked out of the classroom to retrieve his lunch.

He found his locker in the 200 hall (locker number 2219), and rotated the dial on the locker.

“15...ah there’s the 30.”

Vivien lifted the tab, and his locker opened. Inside Vivien’s locker was his lunch box sitting on top of a couple textbooks. He reached inside and grabbed his lunch box and history textbook. Satisfied, Vivien shut his locker with a slam.

“Hey! Vivien!”

Vivien turned and noticed a blond haired boy waving. The boy was in Vivien’s chemistry and English class.

“How are you doing, Jules?”

“I’m doing great! Wanna eat with me today?”

 

To be honest, Vivien never expected that he’d be eating with someone on his first day of school (a miracle, perhaps?). Jules led Vivien to the school courtyard after Vivien grabbed his backpack and books from the classroom. The two sat at an empty bench and began eating.

“Hey, Jules?”

“Hmm?”

“You know Ren, the guy in our English class?”

A pause.

“What about him?”

“You see, I used to go to elementary school with him (a truth) and I was friends with him before I moved (lie????). It’s been years since I last seen him and he’s changed a lot. What happened to him?”

Jules leaned back on the bench and raised an eyebrow.

“Ren? I met him in middle school; he was in my history class. He hasn’t changed that much since then. As far as I know, Ren’s always been at the lower end of the scale. Ever since some incident in elementary school, Ren’s been treated pretty poorly by our classmates.”

 

Crap.

Wait, no.

This...

Now this, was an interesting turn in events.

(Ah, the tables have turned, haven’t they?)

Was it his fault that Ren was ostracized by the rest of their year?

No.

It couldn’t be.

Ren got what he deserved, right?

(He started it. Now, he’s getting what he deserves.)

After all, it was his fault.

Ren was the catalyst.

Ren.

He’s been hated for the past five years.

Five years.

Five long years of hate.

It was never my fault. He ruined my life. It’s coming back to bite him now.

All of a sudden, Vivien had the urge to laugh.

This.

The entire situation.

Ren.

Him.

I can’t believe that you managed to sink this low, Ren.

 

“Hey, Vivien, are you alright? You’ve been pretty quiet.”

“Eh? I’m perfectly fine. Sorry, I was just thinking about how much Ren changed since I last saw him. Did you know that he used to be the most popular kid in our grade (how could you)? He was basically royalty in my class (look where you are now).”

“Really? You wouldn’t by any chance know what caused him to be so jaded? Y’know, since you were in the same class…”

“I don’t know a thing (you filthy liar). I moved out of town a little bit before everyone started looking down on him.”

“Ah. Well, if I were you, I’d try to avoid him. After that incident in class today, you might want to distance yourself from that guy; he might find out that you were the one that delivered his backpack to the office and ha, he’d probably beat you up for it. Stay safe, Viv, you don’t want to become Ren’s next victim.”

 

Ha.

Good one, Jules.

It’s a pity that I was one before.

 

Vivien smiled. “I’ll try not to, but I can’t guarantee that for sure.”

“You’re pretty funny, did you know that Vivien?”

“I guess you can say that I have my own brand of charisma.”

“Alright, well the bell’s going to ring in five. I’m going to history, you?”

“I’m going to math now.”

“See you tomorrow, same place for lunch?”

“Sounds great.”

 

As Jules left, Vivien felt a slight twinge of guilt.

Did Ren really deserve five years of ridicule?

The guy was an *** back in elementary, but that was five years ago.

I’m not sure if I can forgive him.

 

Vivien realized that he never he never said anything to Ren the day he left town.

I wonder how did he feel when they told the class that I was moving.

 

The bell rang, indicating that lunch was over and the passing period to the next class had begun.

 

Is Ren still at school?

 

Ha.

Knowing him, he probably skipped after finding out that Vivien was in his class.

What a coward.

[Lady_Lunevis]

He hates lunch.

Despises it.

Sitting alone . . . it's so lonely.

Is this how he felt?

 

:::

 

When it first started, he used to go home for lunch. Curl himself up in his room, read books and review his textbooks for upcoming classes. In the forty minutes they had for lunch, he'd spend it munching on snacks and playing games.

And when time was up, he would drag his feet slowly back down the all too familiar road, with the wind rustling his hair. He'd listen to the sound of windchimes ringing on a clear summer's day, watch as birds stirred and fluttered overhead with the sound of thousands of tiny wingbeats, continuously stirring the air as the sparrows flew from tree to tree to sing their song.

It was so peaceful.

When he was little, he was able to ignore it. What did they know? He would challenge their words, fight back by throwing stones and insults he only heard in movies rated R for adult and where the hero always won in the end.

He's the hero, isnt he?

He has to be.

There would be no reason for all this suffering otherwise. Everyone else was wicked, evil and cursed, and one day when he triumphed above them all he would make sure they were all rightfully shamed. After all, what could convince children to do such mean things?

Perhaps humans are just cruel creatures after all.

 

:::

 

As soon as the first bell starts, Ren bolts from the washrooms. Perhaps, if he's lucky, he won't run into anyone.

Luck is not on his side.

It hasn't been for five years.

There are always people wandering the halls, those who simply have no classes to attend to or those whose minds are clouded, just like him.

What a joke.

There's no one as horrible as I.

He hears them whisper as he passes, a gaggle of girls who serve really no purpose other than to laugh together and swear friendships while trading numbers.

How useless, really.

Friends are only temporary. He knows this now, has known it forever--yet, only recently has he been able to grasp exactly what lies in his future.

There is nothing, just as there always was.

Is this what karma really is? The universe's way of punishing him for treating Vivien this way?

He'd go back and change it all. He'd go back to his younger self and grab his younger self by the shoulders, throw himself over that bridge instead of Vivi, feel him hit the water and hold his head underwater until the water enveloped them both in its embrace, and . . .

Until there was no more Ren Wei, until he did not have to bear the blunt of all these jokes and hear all these rumours whispered.

Perhaps he would, yet.

 

He runs from the school, just as he always has been--he runs all the way home, doesn't bother announcing his arrival. His schoolbag flails about as he treks through the streets, the once-peaceful stones and the all too loud windchimes. His bag is open, yet he does not care--so what if something flies out?

You can't afford to lose your textbook.

He couldn't care less, though something in the back of his mind distantly tells him he should. He slams the door before him as he reaches the threshold of his house, panting. There's no one home--of course not, why would there be? His parents have long gotten used to his frequent half-days and constant skipping, and it's not as if the teachers can do much where his parents have already given up.

The entire world has given up on you.

Do you give up on yourself?

He climbs the stairs to his room slowly, gripping the side of his bag as he does so. He pants, his mind a clear canvas as he works almost mechanically open his door and slides into the chair.

Would it be today . . . ?

 

::

 

He doesn't know exactly when he started saying that phrase, but its stuck around. He knows that all humans will die--and there is really nothing keeping him on this earth much longer.

There is a small manila envelope tucked away in one of his drawers, stuffed full of money from various scattered summer jobs. A thank you present to his parents, a goodbye.

Sorry that this happened.

Sorry you ended up with a son like me.

All good things come to an end, and there is was nothing good left.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

 

::

 

But first . . .

There is one last thing he should do.

Maybe he shouldn't?

He doesn't know. His morals are confused, mixed up and intertwined, and above all else he can't help but realise that ultimately, there is no one else to blame but himself.

He pulls out a sheet of lined paper, slightly rumpled from lack of care.

A pen.

Blue?

Black?

He doesn't think it matters.

He'll somehow slip this to the other tomorrow morning, and then go about his day.

Ashes to ashes . . .

And dust to nothing.

He winces at his writing. It's painfully scrambled, awkwardly shaped and overall not very aesthetically pleasing.

It'll get the job done.

He wonders if he will even read it.

Perhaps Ren is just being foolish.

He has an entire afternoon to himself, to prime this letter until he could somehow put forth what he was feeling on the paper. And afterwards . . .

Well, he has never thought about the future. There was no need.

With that thought in mind, he begins to write.

Vivi,

I'm sorry.

[senyi]

: : :

After the incident, they [the people] told him to forgive and forget.

But why? There was nothing Vivien could forgive him [Ren] for. They were friends and Ren ruined it. Didn’t they know that it hurt?

 

[Have you ever felt betrayal filling your lungs up to the brim?]

 

He could recall in his dreams the water. Ren. The project. Him falling down, down, down into the water. Sometimes, he could see Ren’s face as he jumped into the water, falling back first into the water. On a bad day, he dreamt of being buried six feet underground on a rainy day.

 

[And you, Ren?]

[i’ll dry my tears alone.]

 

Private school was probably one of the worst [or best?] decisions Vivien’s parents decided for him. The classes were small and compact with teachers that lectured students with the help of powerpoint presentations and group projects [awful].

 

The thing Vivien liked best about going to private school was that he didn’t have to see his classmates [Ren] in person after the day he lost everything.

I don’t miss you.

I don’t want to ever see you again.

I’ll build a wall for myself.

 

Even so, he couldn’t help it but feel resentment towards his younger self.

[You should’ve defended yourself.]

[i am not strong.]

 

: : :

 

The bell rang, interrupting Vivien’s thoughts.

(Move along.)

The shuffling of papers.

Backpacks unzipping and zipping.

(Go home.)

Students filing out of the door.

The teacher has their back turned, and was erasing the marker stained white board.

 

Vivien rises from his seat. He places his supplies in his backpack slowly.

He blends into the crowd of students.

Let’s go home.

 

: : :

 

On Rose, Vivien spots Twin Stars and decided to buy a cup of coffee.

(I’m going to need it for tonight.)

He steps into line, and waits. There’s a chalkboard on the wall displaying the beverages available.

When his turn comes, Vivien asks for a medium sized iced coffee.

It’s a little warm today.

He hands the cashier a couple dollar bills and some loose change he had in his pocket. She smiles, and hands him a receipt and three quarters. Vivien stuffs the coins back into his jean pocket and moved to an empty table near the door. He noticed that there were some students (cliques?) from school sitting at tables drinking from plastic cups.

If it didn’t happen, would I be like them?

His fingernails dug into his palm, leaving red crescent marks.

If only...

I want to be like [ them ].

After five minutes, a barista called his order and Vivien walked to the table to grab his drink. He took a sip from the straw.

It’s good.

Nodding his thanks, Vivien exited the café and continued walking home.

 

: : :

 

“I’m home,” Vivien called.

“How was your day?” his mother replied from the kitchen.

“It went well (stop lying).”

“That’s good. Do you need anything to eat?”

“I’m fine. I stopped by the café and bought some coffee.”

Vivien walked up the stairs to his room.

He shut the door behind him. Vivien placed his iced coffee on his desk and flopped onto his bed face first after tossing his backpack onto the floor.

 

Today...wasn’t the ideal first day he had expected. Vivien frowned into his pillow. Who decided that it was a good idea to put out of all people, Ren Wei in the same class as him?

(There’s no need to forgive you.)

Tomorrow, would he run away again?

(Then who’s the coward now?)

 

To be honest, I don’t know if I should forgive you or not.

(Just don’t.)

We can’t hold onto this forever.

 

Vivien rolled onto his side, and looked out of the window.

 

I need a nap.

Thinking about what happened makes me exhausted.

[Lady_Lunevis]

((ahh i'm going to timeskip halfway in the post if that's okay?? OO: ))

 

Sometimes, he would wonder about Vivi.

What was he doing now?

What kind of life did he live?

It was frightening, how easily someone could fade from another's life like that. They went from being best friends to strangers to absolutely nothing, and sometimes Ren would wonder.

Did Vivi think of him at all? What would it be like, to understand that the only friend you had throughout elementary school was nothing but a common bully?

Ren knows he hates the world, he absolutely does.

He just never expected to hate himself even more, though.

What scares him the most is not that Vivi may be angry at him, or that Vivi might never want to be friends again--

What scares him the most is being completely, utterly forgotten. Knowing that his existence was so pitiful, filled with nothing but unhappiness, that he could be easily forgotten just like that.

After all, all his used-to-be-friends have now ignored his existence.

Isn't it so easily to just fade like this?

Maybe I should just fade like this.

The thought isn't nearly as comforting as the prospect of another chance, but he'll take whatever he can get at this rate.

 

:::

 

He isn't sure what to do with this letter, now that he has spilled all his feelings out onto a piece of lined paper with his scrawled, shaky lettering--he knows that some of the words are spelled wrong and perhaps that can be blamed on the fact he hasn't paid serious attention in English class--or any class, for that matter--since the sixth grade, yet there's a certain shame he feels hardpressed into his identity and Ren hopes to god he's at least spelt Vivi's name right. There was an e in there somewhere, right?

It's embarrassing as heck that he doesn't remember his once-friend's name.

What a failure.

Isn't that the truth, after all? Nothing ever went the way it was supposed to. Vivi didn't greet him like long lost brothers, together once again, nor did his old classmates and friends want to accept him back now that he's changed, nor that he was supposed to just as unsteady as he's been the last decade of his life.

Life is hard.

He wonders if Vivi has ever felt this way.

Ren isn't sure he wants to know the answer.

It becomes a little too much for him and he's really unsure what in the world to do with this 'letter', so instead he crumples the piece of paper up and stuffs it into his backpack before lying down on his bed.

He throws an arm over his eyes, blocking out the fading sunlight spilling in from his window, and closes his eyes.

 

:::

 

The next day, Ren considers skipping.

Then, he decides that if he has enough time left in his short life to actually attempt to make things right for a chance, he might as well start now.

It takes all his effort and even more to drag his feet to school, as early-morning dewdrops gently rain down upon his head. He watches as the rain splatters upon the cement ground, colouring it a dark grey, and he thinks of water.

Where had it all gone so wrong?

It was just a joke.

You can take a joke, right?

. . . right?

He shakes the memories from his head, grimacing at the remembrance of his past foolishness--god, the Ren from way back then had seemed like an entirely different person, and he wishes with all his heart that it could've been--and speeds up his pace, until he arrives at the school all too early. Ren lowers his head and shuffles in from one of the side doors, ignoring the glances sent his way and whispered rumours behind his back. It's been, what, three years? of such foolishness, and really--he's an adult, he should be used to this by now--yet it still hurts like everything and more and he wishes it would just all stop.

He arrives early at his homeroom, hesitantly wavering before the door. He catches sight of the teacher in her classroom, lips formed in a casual smile as she shuffled over some papers and took a sip of coffee.

Ren hates the idea of ruining that idyllic peace with his presence, but isn't that what he's been doing since he was born?

So instead, he settles for sitting on a bench nearby. He slips his backpack off onto the wood and takes a seat, hunching forwards and folding his hands together. He checks the time--still ten minutes before the bell, and it's usually a miracle he's not late to class--he has plenty of time.

Plenty of time to do nothing, as always. He slips the textbook from the bag, realising he hasn't actually looked inside the thing, and cracks it open to a random page.