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The Unofficial Advice Thread

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I hope this falls into this thread, if not, please tell me.

 

Anyway, there was a article on FB about how smacking your child don't help or teach them. I posted that I disagreed with that as I was raised this way and I have literally 0 desire to hurt anyone if I can help it. Well, someone said that I was broken because of this (I'm not). They went on to say because I don't want a husband and child, that's a "healthy opinion" of someone who is not broken.

 

So, my question is: am I broken simply because I find there is more to life than sex and children? I mean, is it wrong to see beyond that? I have never had a single boyfriend, the reason behind this I wont get into, but I don't seem to value my life if I have a boyfriend or not. I don't need one to survive, I don't need children to survive either.

Smacking your kids is wrong, but that doesn't make you broken. Although violence against children is never the answer, experiences and reactions to violence may vary depending on personality, age, how hard the hits were, how often the hits were, and generally the rest of your upbringing. You are the only one who gets to define your experiences. Just like you are the only one who gets to decide if you want to date, marry, and/or have children. Not wanting children or romance doesn't make you broken, though - whether you are aromantic/asexual or just plain not interested.

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Smacking your kids is wrong, but that doesn't make you broken. Although violence against children is never the answer, experiences and reactions to violence may vary depending on personality, age, how hard the hits were, how often the hits were, and generally the rest of your upbringing. You are the only one who gets to define your experiences. Just like you are the only one who gets to decide if you want to date, marry, and/or have children. Not wanting children or romance doesn't make you broken, though - whether you are aromantic/asexual or just plain not interested.

Worst one for me was the last time it happened. Belt got turned mid-swing by mistake and left a ring on me. After that I never got that again. So it wasn't traumatizing at all for me. It hurt like hell but that's about it.

 

I'm not for people abusing it and hitting their kids just because. If the kid wont listen, then I would do that.

 

Just irritated me that apparently because I'm not a sexually active 25 year old, I'm somehow broken.

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Worst one for me was the last time it happened. Belt got turned mid-swing by mistake and left a ring on me. After that I never got that again. So it wasn't traumatizing at all for me. It hurt like hell but that's about it.

 

I'm not for people abusing it and hitting their kids just because. If the kid wont listen, then I would do that.

 

Just irritated me that apparently because I'm not a sexually active 25 year old, I'm somehow broken.

My father spanked us growing up. He did it as a last resort, when time-outs and other punishments failed to correct our behavior, and the only time I disagree with it was the time he spanked me for crying (I was upset because of a school thing, he seemed to think I should only cry if I was hurt BUT I DIGRESS).

 

I have been asexual for as long as I knew that was a thing. For a while I also thought I might be broken, but I have never connected it to being spanked growing up. My sister is engaged (to a man, if that matters) and I haven't asked but I imagine they have a healthy sex life. No idea what my brother is up to because we're not close, but he seems interested in girls. I only mention it because my dad raised us all the same, and it doesn't seem to have affected our personalities much.

 

I myself am currently engaged to another asexual person, and I consider our relationship unusual but healthy. We have different bedrooms, our own spaces to do stuff in, and we cuddle occasionally. It works for us!

Edited by silver_chan

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My father spanked us growing up. He did it as a last resort, when time-outs and other punishments failed to correct our behavior, and the only time I disagree with it was the time he spanked me for crying (I was upset because of a school thing, he seemed to think I should only cry if I was hurt BUT I DIGRESS).

 

I have been asexual for as long as I knew that was a thing. For a while I also thought I might be broken, but I have never connected it to being spanked growing up. My sister is engaged (to a man, if that matters) and I haven't asked but I imagine they have a healthy sex life. No idea what my brother is up to because we're not close, but he seems interested in girls. I only mention it because my dad raised us all the same, and it doesn't seem to have affected our personalities much.

 

I myself am currently engaged to another asexual person, and I consider our relationship unusual but healthy. We have different bedrooms, our own spaces to do stuff in, and we cuddle occasionally. It works for us!

That is what my parents did, I believe. Time outs did hardly anything, I actually made them stay up all night once doing that! However, I never got smacked for crying. That's just cruel in my opinion. There was no reason behind it.

 

No, the whole engaged to a man thing don't really matter. I'm fine one way or another on that. Exactly, I don't get how I'm the broken one when I just don't want a husband or kids. I wont elaborate on that in public but still. I'm not broken in any sense of the meaning just because I don't wish to have sex outside of marriage and I don't really seek a husband to fulfill my life.

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Sexuality cannot be affected by physical violence towards you as a child. Things like anxiety experienced later in life can.

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So, my question is: am I broken simply because I find there is more to life than sex and children? I mean, is it wrong to see beyond that? I have never had a single boyfriend, the reason behind this I wont get into, but I don't seem to value my life if I have a boyfriend or not. I don't need one to survive, I don't need children to survive either.

Not at all - you're perfectly fine.

 

I was hit as a kid. It has affected who I am. But every person is different and unique. Just because I my lack of motivation in having kids is (partially) my fear of mistreating them like I was mistreated doesn't mean you follow the same thought process. If you find that you want something different from life than kids - regardless of the why - then that is normal. Not everyone wants to be a parent, or even needs to be.

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Sexuality cannot be affected by physical violence towards you as a child. Things like anxiety experienced later in life can.

Yeah, well I'm still being told I'm broken by yet another random stranger. I know I should probably get a thicker skin but this gets a bit old when they make snap judgements on me without even knowing me.

 

@Kestra

 

Well, tell that to two idiots and whoever likes their comments because they think I'm broken because I'm not chasing men, popping out kids every 9 months and see more to life than that.

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I never really got spanked as a kid (several threatenings of getting spanked with a leather belt automatically got me acting correct) but one thing that still bugs me to this day: why my dad threatened to hit me (with the belt) when I was crying. I still have uncontrollable crying spells. (Something as simple as trying to tell someone new I have anxiety sets them off. Or talking to my mom about serious topics.. or even thinking about moving into another house.)

 

But I digress. You are not broken, Demi, you never will be.

 

 

Now on a much happier topic, can someone please help me figure out how to get out of this nearly six month long art block? It's killing me.

Edited by Jsward322

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i saw some private information that i shouldn't have. it isn't a lot, just an email address, but the person it belongs to is very sensitive about his privacy, and i feel quite a bit guilty for it. dunno if i should tell him about it or just forget about it since it's probably not such a big deal in perspective? idk

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i saw some private information that i shouldn't have. it isn't a lot, just an email address, but the person it belongs to is very sensitive about his privacy, and i feel quite a bit guilty for it. dunno if i should tell him about it or just forget about it since it's probably not such a big deal in perspective? idk

Okay, I've re-typed out my post several times now. I have lots of ideas and various input depending on a variety of variables, but I think what I most want to say is: whether this is a big deal or not in the grand scheme of things, two things stick out from this story. 1) You know this is important to the other person. 2) You are feeling very guilty for this. I say go ahead and clear your conscience and go ahead and tell this person so things can get worked out.

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i saw some private information that i shouldn't have. it isn't a lot, just an email address, but the person it belongs to is very sensitive about his privacy, and i feel quite a bit guilty for it. dunno if i should tell him about it or just forget about it since it's probably not such a big deal in perspective? idk

huh.gif I don't have enough information on the matter to give advice. If it's just the email address, I would advise to forget about it. It isn't much and seeing it doesn't affect anything. Just don't send emails to him. You're not supposed to know anyway.

 

However, you are feeling guilty. unsure.gif So there is something missing in the picture. Perhaps you saw it from a list. Let's say in a class list which is made open to the public, and you know he will be uncomfortable with it. I then advise to tell him straight away.

 

So, looking at Sock's post and mine, it is reinforced that you probably should tell him. It's the best answer whether the situation is the first one (i.e. not important because the information was just made to you) or the second one (i.e. the information was made public and you know this is too much for his comfort)

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(don't know if it helps for context, but this is just an online friend, which is why privacy is a bigger deal than it might otherwise be)

 

What happened is basically, I'm staff on a site we're both on and I was trying to enable a feature on his profile, and he has his email set to not be publicly visible. But since I was editing the profile (this was with permission btw--wanted his feedback on a new thing but had to enable it for him first--I just didn't realize I'd be able to see the email and I don't think he did either), I was able to see it. It was in a very obvious place and I don't think I would've been able to avoid seeing it unless I had left it alone entirely.

 

If it had been another person I wouldn't be concerned, but he is my friend and I know he wouldn't want me to know it.

But it's not publicly visible, so no risk of anyone else seeing it.

 

I'm starting to think it would be best to just leave it alone. I don't know how he would react and I know I'm not going to email him or do anything with it.

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It's a given that staff will be able to see your e-mail on nigh every "regular" site there is as soon as they take a look. I reckon he is aware of it - if not, then he should perhaps be informed that it's the case for almost every place he ever registers to. Most places also permit admins to view PMs and other similar content. It's a trust-based system at best.

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ohmy.gif Oh, in that case, it is a given that you'll be able to see it. Since it's just you who can see it, then you can opt to ignore and not tell him.

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So I have to write a statement of intent (I've never had to write one before.) to get into a fine arts program I've applied for and it gives me overwhelming amounts of anxiety. (Which isn't entirely reasonable. ^^")

I really don't know what I'm doing and every time I go to write it I shut down internally.

The deadline is coming up and I really don't know what to do.

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So I have to write a statement of intent (I've never had to write one before.) to get into a fine arts program I've applied for and it gives me overwhelming amounts of anxiety. (Which isn't entirely reasonable. ^^")

I really don't know what I'm doing and every time I go to write it I shut down internally.

The deadline is coming up and I really don't know what to do.

First of all, take a deep breathe in. Hold it. Now slowly breathe out. Repeat as necessary.

 

Honestly, statement's of intent can actually be fun to write! Think of this less as a professional essay and more of a chance to share your personality without the anxiety of having to meet these people in person first.

 

This is a pretty good guide, but keep in mind this is a general step by step guideline. This is a letter to be yourself, to express and share who you are: it's a place to talk about what you're passionate about.

 

Now, for the moment, forget that you're writing to an audience. That's what editing is for. ;3 Sit down and write this for yourself. What do you want to do? Where does your passion lie? This is a good chance to sit down, write out your feelings, and figure this out. Do a stream of consciousness if that's what you want. Just write for yourself to figure out where you want to go.

 

Once you've finished that, you'll have the bulk of your intent written! Then you can tackle the hard parts with less anxiety because now you've started and you have a better view of yourself. In your editing, you can tighten up the grammar, add a good introductory statement, and the likes of those small details.

 

You do want time to edit, though, so the sooner you can figure out how to be relaxed about this, that will help. If you're still struggling, there has to be some sort of tutoring system open to you somewhere. It could help to sit down with a tutor, or if you have a teacher/professor you like and will give you some time, they could help! If you go this route, you'll probably end up more outlining to begin with. If the person is clever, they'll sit you down, and ask you questions about yourself (what got you into art; what kind of art themes do you focus on - nature, government, people, etc.; why are you drawn to this focus; what do you think you can express with your art; etc.). They'll write down your answers or have you jot them down, and then show you all that you already have to talk about. They'll probably give you a little time to turn that outline into a paper and then come back to help you flesh it out/word it if you're stuck. If all else fails, you can "tutor" yourself by focusing on these questions. Interview yourself and write down your answers. Don't worry about why you're doing it, just do it. Then go back and edit this interview so it flows as more of an essay.

 

I've written a couple statements of intent/research, and honestly, they're a great opportunity to explore yourself and figure out what you want, so focus on that aspect, rather than the afterwards of who is going to be reading it. =)

 

And good luck!

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So, I need some advice right now. I did talk it over with my parents and my friend a bit. But let me start at the beginning

 

So last night I was taking my friend back home and she mentioned she wanted to move out of her parents house and she's looking at a couple of places. So she looked over at me and asked me to be her roommate. I was thrilled, overjoyed.

 

However, my parents got me concerned that I may run out of money before two months and my friend is trying to tell me that we won't and that we're going to split everything evenly between us. But neither one of us has ever lived away from home before so it'll be a new experience for the both of us.

 

I need some advice because I am anxious and terrified

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So, I need some advice right now. I did talk it over with my parents and my friend a bit. But let me start at the beginning

 

So last night I was taking my friend back home and she mentioned she wanted to move out of her parents house and she's looking at a couple of places. So she looked over at me and asked me to be her roommate. I was thrilled, overjoyed.

 

However, my parents got me concerned that I may run out of money before two months and my friend is trying to tell me that we won't and that we're going to split everything evenly between us. But neither one of us has ever lived away from home before so it'll be a new experience for the both of us.

 

I need some advice because I am anxious and terrified

Congratulations! Whether or not you decide to move, it's wonderful to consider such an important and exciting change!

 

Anyway, the less fun stuff.

 

I think you and your friend need to work out an in-depth budget, and agree explicitly who is paying for what. There are so many unexpected expenses that can pop up, other than rent! Utilities, renter's insurance, furniture, blah blah blah.

 

Also, it may make your parents (well, and you) feel better if you have contingency plans for some unpleasant possibilities. For example, losing your job, running low on savings, falling out with your friend. Would you be able to afford your bills for some time without income? How long? What if one of you moves out? What if your friend can't hold up their end of the rent/utilities? Etc, etc.

 

Moving out IS scary, but also wonderful. Being prepared is the best way to prevent unnecessary anxiety (though there will always be some - I was very nervous!), and the reasonable amounts of anxiety will keep you responsible. It's kind of an awful cycle.

 

I don't know if this will help!

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I need advice. My boyfriend's and my first anniversary is coming up pretty soon, and I've already started on his gift. I'm making him a large jar full of 365 notes that he can either read when he needs one or read one every day for the next year.

 

I need ideas of what else to put in it. I've made 221 notes so far. I've included special memories, things I love about him, song lyrics that remind me of him, screenshots of our original Tinder messages (yes we successfully met our true love on Tinder), poetry, little "free dinner date on me" cards, and advice/uplifting notes. I'm thinking about photos, but I'm framing a nice photo of us as the second part of the gift.

 

What else can I put in the jar? I still need 120 notes. xd.png

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I need advice. My boyfriend's and my first anniversary is coming up pretty soon, and I've already started on his gift. I'm making him a large jar full of 365 notes that he can either read when he needs one or read one every day for the next year.

 

I need ideas of what else to put in it. I've made 221 notes so far. I've included special memories, things I love about him, song lyrics that remind me of him, screenshots of our original Tinder messages (yes we successfully met our true love on Tinder), poetry, little "free dinner date on me" cards, and advice/uplifting notes. I'm thinking about photos, but I'm framing a nice photo of us as the second part of the gift.

 

What else can I put in the jar? I still need 120 notes. xd.png

I did something like this for me and my s/o's third Christmas together-- I know the feeling of running out of things.

 

I know I started on some "coupons". Things I knew they liked to do (that I was always kinda not up to doing) or pet peeves of their that I would take of / not doo for a certain period of time. Also strange things like 'I challenge you to a snowman building contest' or ridiculous things like that.

Don't be afraid to do some duplicates of certain ones that can be duplicated.

If you have the time, some pressed flowers glues to some card stock could be cool. Lil scrap-book-y things in general.

 

Anyhow, I wish you luck!!

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I have no friends, literally none. Not online or offline.

I never feel like I fit in , it's more like I'm just there and if I'm there or not makes no difference.

I make friends but then I'm quickly forgotten, thrown away or backstabbed.

 

See i had a friend called J, I've not seen him for awhile or spoke to him. He messages my boyfriend and talks with him but if i messaged J I get ignored or it feels like he's being aggressive towards me and he just puts up with me but doesn't like me.

Then my longest (3 years) friend stabs me in the back by causing issues for me by telling people lies about me, that and telling my ex I cheated on him, which I didn't....

 

No one messages me or even attempts to see me. If I message the I'm ignored or the 'conversation' is quickly ended. But then why try with people when this is what I get mad.gifsad.gif

 

Mini rant over.

Edited by kitty39

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I believe mini-vents like this belong here. Just keep it in mind for next time. c:

 

Anyhow. I know how that feels; I've had times in my life where that's been the situation.

But there are seasons of life like that. They come and go. My mother often tells me of periods in her life when she's had many friends and then no friends. Just because things are that way now doesn't mean they'll always be that way.

 

If you need someone to chat with, my PM box (usually) has space so feel free to PM me, and we have a wonderful IRC chat you can find up in the top right corner of the forums as well as an unofficial discord.

 

I hope you find some new, kind people to befriend. And I hope you find small bits of happiness through your days until then.

 

Edited out the typos I noticed afterward.

Edited by irrelevantindigo

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hey guys, I kinda need some advice on something, basically I owe my dad £200 and I get paid roughly £300 this month. That wouldn't necessarily be a problem if it wasn't for my boyfriend being an idiot and getting fined for smashing a window, which he doesn't have the money or a job to pay for it so I said I would for the sake of him not going to court. Thing is this fine is £90, which means I have about a tenner to last me a month >_<

My dads been waiting for his money for a while and I don't know if I should explain the situation or not?

Also me and the bf currently live with our friend who took us in when we got kicked out, moneys tight as it is :/

Edited by SallyPuddy

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hey guys, I kinda need some advice on something, basically I owe my dad £200 and I get paid roughly £300 this month. That wouldn't necessarily be a problem if it wasn't for my boyfriend being an idiot and getting fined for smashing a window, which he doesn't have the money or a job to pay for it so I said I would for the sake of him not going to court. Thing is this fine is £90, which means I have about a tenner to last me a month >_<

My dads been waiting for his money for a while and I don't know if I should explain the situation or not?

Also me and the bf currently live with our friend who took us in when we got kicked out, moneys tight as it is :/

Is it feasible for you to pay your father back in installments? A fifty now as a sign of good will, and either the next 50, or 100, or the entire remaining 150 the next month, depending on tight it is for you then? It might suffice to just say money's a bit tight at the time being, but you want to start paying it off regardless -- 2/3 of your salary is not an insignificant fraction, after all!

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