The Unofficial Advice Thread

[georgexu94]

Crocturtle566: Well, try to be comfortable with yourself first. Don't think that others would start thinking stupid things about you. You can never please everybody. In addition, I hang out with people who thinks I'm weird and I'll be saying, "Hey, think me as weird. At least respect my uniqueness."

 

Being unique is something special since it is what makes you. You don't blend in the common hoi polloi. You differentiate yourself and make people appreciate that.

[Yumi1]

Hello! I'd like to apologize, I'm not at all familiar with the DC forum so I'm not sure if this would be a good place to ask about this, but I've been running around for a number of days trying to find a good forum to ask about this. I would absolutely appreciate being pointed in a direction if there's a better thread.

Ahem, anyway, my problem is that a site I'm on regularly has been down for about a week and I'm getting very worried. I don't remember seeing anything about a server change or something else that would bring the site down for this long, but I can't get any part of it to work.

 

The site is Unicreatures/Unifaction. Unicreatures actually has two versions, while Unifaction is on... I believe version 5 or 6, but I can't get anything linked to any of them to load and I don't have any contacts to check with other users to see if it's just on me or if something bad happened. I have Edge and Chrome and neither will load anything.

 

Now, the reason why I'm here is because there's a thread on Unifaction about DC addicts. There are a number of users on there that are also on here but I'm not sure if I can find who they are by searching through my scroll for dragons that they set up to give away over there.

Any help would be greatly appreciated, I know I'm missing out on things and I really want to get back to my stuff!

[Predat0rs]

Yumi1, a good place is the actual Unicreatures thread here on the DC Forums ^^

You can find it here, under General Discussion > Video Games > Adoptables

[Yumi1]

Yumi1, a good place is the actual Unicreatures thread here on the DC Forums ^^

You can find it here, under General Discussion > Video Games > Adoptables

Ah! Thank you so much for that, as I said, I'm extremely new to the DC forums and know very little about the set-up here.

 

And now I get to be extremely bummed that a site that I'd gotten so much done on [uC1], a site that I was working hard to grow on [uC2], AND a site that I was new to but absolutely loving the art and avatar systems on [uF6] and missed out on a ton of drama on are simply gone. UC2 had become my way of keeping track of the time due to hourly things. I was greatly looking forward to growing on UC2. It will now be the four site/game that I've loved and has been abandoned/shut down by someone. TinierMe, Ernya, Sword Quest [on Facebook] and now UF/UC.

[Gsea]

I'm feeling really weird and confessional lately, so why not share a big "secret"/personal flaw with a group of anonymous internetters on an adoptables website...right? Sorry it's so long, but the good thing is maybe you'll find it oddly interesting?

 

I think I'm a bad person. Well, I think I'm a good person on the outside (I care about people, and social justice, and things that all good people should care about, so I think I'm a good person on the outside) but at my core I'm just not. I'm selfish and always have been - my first and strongest instinct in any situation is to do whatever will benefit me the most. I have adapted to this and learned to control it to function as a more normal person. I do genuinely care about other people so I have to tame my outrageously selfish nature.

 

But I still believe I'm inherently...I don't want to say "evil" because that just sounds like a silly cartoon villain, but I'm just not very good or nice. Whenever I am given the opportunity to make a decision that will affect someone in either a good way or a bad way, I always want to go for the latter. This even applies to my closest friends, people I adore, people I want the best for. I get a thrill and weird personal satisfaction out of subtly screwing them over. It's hard to explain so I'll give you a pretty trivial hypothetical situation: I take a test that turns out to be harder than I expected. My friend is taking that test the next day and asks me how hard it was/how much they should study. I could be normal, honest, and decent, and say "It was pretty hard" implying that they should study. But what do I do in these situations? I lie. To screw them over. Just in tiny ways. I say "It was easy, you don't need to waste your time studying." Then the test comes and they freak out because it was harder than they expected and they get a bad grade. And I feel satisfied. Another hypothetical situation: I have information that another person needs, like when an event is occurring, or what time [event] starts, or even what the dress code is, etc. They ask me for said info, and I withhold it. I act like I don't know. Then they are mildly stressed or anxious or inadequately prepared. These things never have terrible outcomes - they usually figure out what they need to know - but I just like knowing that I caused them a momentary bit of stress/suffering.

 

Why? Why am I like this? I swear there's something wrong with me. I love my friends, I love my family, but I'm so manipulative by nature. I manipulate people into doing things that have negative outcomes for them, even when it doesn't affect me at all. I just like the idea of having a little tiny bit of control over other people but only when the outcome is bad. Seriously, what's the matter with me??

 

[i just posted this in the emotional support thread and realized it's better for this thread so yeah here u go, deleted the other post]

Edited January 29, 2016 by glamoursea2

[Moonwick]

(This reply was meant to written in a non-confrontational and helpful tone!)

 

This is very hard to give advice on, but I'm going to try to at least give you something to think about.

 

First of all, I won't tell you that you are wrong, because some of these things you mentioned are on the manipulative side because you are intending to hurt someone or screw them over.

That said, the fact that you are concerned about these things and recognize them show that you are not inherently a bad person.

 

There are a lot of factors that could go into this behavior. Some of them being:

• Who you surround yourself with. Perhaps you have been surrounded by people who do this, by choice or by default. Maybe this kind of behavior has influenced you and you didn't realize until now.

• The amount of stress in your life. It's a possibility that you are feeling so stressed that seeing someone else be stressed instead of you brings a bit of relief; maybe you've made a habit out of this in some way.

• Lack of something in your life. You mentioned how it satisfies you - which makes me think that you could be missing something in your life that would bring you immense satisfaction, and that doing this to others is a kind of "placeholder".

• Abuse/childhood abuse. If you were abused when you were younger, or even if you're being abused now, that could have affected how you see and deal with things.

 

There are also certain mental illnesses that can make you behave in this way.

Sometimes because of my mental illnesses, I will act out in violence - I have threatened people before simply because I feel scared, but I don't ever act on it or mean it.

 

To clarify: having a mental illness like this does not make you a bad person, either.

You just need to make sure people are aware you can get like this and how they can deal with it. Also, most things like this are treatable.

 

But no matter the reason for your behavior, if it concerns you,

I suggest that you see someone about it if it's possible - I am aware of people not being able to see a therapist due to money being tight and

I am sorry if that is a problem for you, but this is the only advice that I can think of.

 

Coming here and expressing this concern was very brave of you - and I commend you on that.

I think that if you are unable to see a professional to help, you should definitely find people you trust and let them know how you feel about your actions.

 

Sometimes confiding stuff like this in trusty people can help a whole lot, it can even improve your behavior.

 

Here's to hoping you will find a solution to this. You are not a bad person, and I think that one day you will prove that to yourself.

 

Just remember that anything can be changed for the better if you care enough about it!

Edited January 29, 2016 by Silverwinter

[Lady_Lunevis]

hello guys!! ; o ; any advice on . . . hm, i'm not quite sure how to put into words what i'm asking for some advice for, so i'll try to explain it to the best of my ability!!

i guess you can sum it up as learning things, but providing context never hurt anyone.

 

casepoint being that i'm trying to teach myself how to do / understand a bunch of things, because learning things makes me happy and feeling productive helps my anxiety.

however, i'm a huge completitionist and a little bit of a perfectionist, and lately that hasn't been helping me at all. i'm trying to learn another language, chinese, as well as studying anatomy to improve my art skills, and i'm starting to teach myself the guitar. it's not overwhelming for me, no--in fact, i like having a lot of things on my to-do list!--but my only problem is that i have troubles knowing when/where to start and when/where to end.

 

i'm used to a linear school setting, where it's like "here is what is required, here's a list of what you're expected to learn, now go forth and venture" so when i attempt to teach myself these things, i don't know how to go about it in such a fashion. where do i decide that's ""enough"" words for the day? or how much i should draw before moving onto something else? i wrote on my to-do list to draw arms, but how many arms should i draw?

 

i'm not sure if this is just me being really bad at independence or something else, but i'd appreciate some feedback on how to pace myself. <3

[Obscure_Trash]

I'm feeling really weird and confessional lately, so why not share a big "secret"/personal flaw with a group of anonymous internetters on an adoptables website...right? Sorry it's so long, but the good thing is maybe you'll find it oddly interesting?

 

I think I'm a bad person. Well, I think I'm a good person on the outside (I care about people, and social justice, and things that all good people should care about, so I think I'm a good person on the outside) but at my core I'm just not. I'm selfish and always have been - my first and strongest instinct in any situation is to do whatever will benefit me the most. I have adapted to this and learned to control it to function as a more normal person. I do genuinely care about other people so I have to tame my outrageously selfish nature.

 

But I still believe I'm inherently...I don't want to say "evil" because that just sounds like a silly cartoon villain, but I'm just not very good or nice. Whenever I am given the opportunity to make a decision that will affect someone in either a good way or a bad way, I always want to go for the latter. This even applies to my closest friends, people I adore, people I want the best for. I get a thrill and weird personal satisfaction out of subtly screwing them over. It's hard to explain so I'll give you a pretty trivial hypothetical situation: I take a test that turns out to be harder than I expected. My friend is taking that test the next day and asks me how hard it was/how much they should study. I could be normal, honest, and decent, and say "It was pretty hard" implying that they should study. But what do I do in these situations? I lie. To screw them over. Just in tiny ways. I say "It was easy, you don't need to waste your time studying." Then the test comes and they freak out because it was harder than they expected and they get a bad grade. And I feel satisfied. Another hypothetical situation: I have information that another person needs, like when an event is occurring, or what time [event] starts, or even what the dress code is, etc. They ask me for said info, and I withhold it. I act like I don't know. Then they are mildly stressed or anxious or inadequately prepared. These things never have terrible outcomes - they usually figure out what they need to know - but I just like knowing that I caused them a momentary bit of stress/suffering.

 

Why? Why am I like this? I swear there's something wrong with me. I love my friends, I love my family, but I'm so manipulative by nature. I manipulate people into doing things that have negative outcomes for them, even when it doesn't affect me at all. I just like the idea of having a little tiny bit of control over other people but only when the outcome is bad. Seriously, what's the matter with me??

 

[i just posted this in the emotional support thread and realized it's better for this thread so yeah here u go, deleted the other post]

I just want to say that, first and foremost, self care nor being selfish sometimes makes you a bad person. People need to care for themselves! Self care is good! Some selfishness is good! Not all selfishness is bad! I think it is natural for a lot of people to think of themselves first and foremost in situations where they're pitted against others. You know how on planes they always tell people to put their own masks on first, then to help the people around them? It's because otherwise you could pass out and then, not only are you not helpful to anyone else, but now you ALSO need help. So it's okay to take care of yourself first.

 

That being said, you did describe some rather destructive and harmful behaviors.

 

I would actually suggest you seek some professional help. Therapists are there to help you work out things like the cause of destructive behaviors so that you can better deal with them. They're there to give you healthier ways to cope with urges like that. So if at all possible, that's what I would suggest. You can also approach a school counselor first if that's easier/more accessible.

 

You do not need to struggle with everything on your own. There are resources out there to help. Make use of them! <3

 

Also, I think Silverwinter had a really fantastic reply to you. You aren't a bad person. I hope you don't mind if I quote Sirius Black/J.K. Rowling here, but I think it's applicable:

 

Besides, the world isn't split into good people and bad people [Death Eaters]. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on.

 

Even good people do bad things sometimes.

[Obscure_Trash]

hello guys!! ; o ; any advice on . . . hm, i'm not quite sure how to put into words what i'm asking for some advice for, so i'll try to explain it to the best of my ability!!

i guess you can sum it up as learning things, but providing context never hurt anyone.

 

casepoint being that i'm trying to teach myself how to do / understand a bunch of things, because learning things makes me happy and feeling productive helps my anxiety.

however, i'm a huge completitionist and a little bit of a perfectionist, and lately that hasn't been helping me at all. i'm trying to learn another language, chinese, as well as studying anatomy to improve my art skills, and i'm starting to teach myself the guitar. it's not overwhelming for me, no--in fact, i like having a lot of things on my to-do list!--but my only problem is that i have troubles knowing when/where to start and when/where to end.

 

i'm used to a linear school setting, where it's like "here is what is required, here's a list of what you're expected to learn, now go forth and venture" so when i attempt to teach myself these things, i don't know how to go about it in such a fashion. where do i decide that's ""enough"" words for the day? or how much i should draw before moving onto something else? i wrote on my to-do list to draw arms, but how many arms should i draw?

 

i'm not sure if this is just me being really bad at independence or something else, but i'd appreciate some feedback on how to pace myself. <3

You know you best, so if you need deadlines, you're the best person to make them.

 

What kind of progress have you made so far? Set deadlines that match that sort of progress. Especially if you are a perfectionist with anxiety, setting lower goals that you can meet or exceed is a good idea.

 

Try to set general deadlines rather than specific ones. Things such as "practice x/y/x for twenty minutes every day" rather than "draw five hands every day". Some parts are going to be easier to learn and some parts are going to be harder to learn. Setting general goals will allow you to still meet your deadlines even if some weeks you feel like you've made less progress than usual.

 

If you need, you can also set more specific deadlines after long periods of time. Ie: set some goals to reach within three or four months, rather than having specific daily or weekly goals. Daily or weekly goals are likely to cause you more stress than having a more "big picture" goal you can work towards reaching. In my experience anyway. The steps I would write down for these are what are the steps you need to reach in order to make that goal? Then give yourself general estimated guidelines for this.

 

And, of course, especially as you are doing this on your own just for you, if you realize that you aren't going to be able to make a deadline, breathe in and out and let it go! Extend your deadline. The fact that you're setting your sights high on so many things is already impressive and awesome. Enjoy the journey. You'll get to the final destination when you get to the final destination. ;3

[Natayah]

hello guys!! ; o ; any advice on . . .

 

casepoint being that i'm trying to teach myself how to do / understand a bunch of things, because learning things makes me happy and feeling productive helps my anxiety.

however, i'm a huge completitionist and a little bit of a perfectionist, and lately that hasn't been helping me at all.

A few things:

 

1. When learning a language, if you apply yourself, you can learn to speak 85-90% of what you need to know to carry a conversation like a normal person rather quickly. In a few months, 6 months max. The last 10-15% is higher end grammatical stuff that most normal people don't speak or use anyways, and that last bit takes YEARS. So do you want to learn to speak a language, or do you want to be an editor for high end fine writing and linguistics in that language? Define your goals. Chances are its the first. And if that is the case you need to learn which will take us into part 2.

 

2. Learn when good enough is enough. Or Great Enough is Great Enough. Sometimes you are wasting your own time and everyone else's time by trying to go above and beyond what is necessary and you are wasting time and resources which could be better applied to so much else. Its greedy. Its useless.

 

3. Learn to get over your Perfectionism. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself. No one will love you less or will you be less of a person if you are not always perfect. That is something that you impose on yourself and you are only harming yourself. So either you want to lessen your anxiety and have a happier life, or you want to have something to complain about. (I'm not attempting to say you are the second, but its A or B. You may not KNOW how to do it, but if your situation is that you really want to change, you just need to learn HOW. There is plenty of info to help you learn to do this.) It was one of the greatest gifts I ever gave myself.

 

I don't care what cultural or parental or other things that may have fed into this. When you are an adult, you are responsible for yourself 100%. If you are a teen, you are approaching this amount. You better get ready. So your real goal should be learning how to be happy and getting over your perfectionism will make your life so much better. If you want a better life, make this your priority over learning the language.

 

If you want to learn how to learn things quickly, including languages, I would refer you to the fourhourworkweek guy, Tim Ferris ( http://fourhourworkweek.com/blog/ - look at blog and podcasts. you don't have to purchase any books or anything. Plenty of free info to give you this info or other references for all sorts of things you would probably find interesting). He has interviews and blog posts on how he picks up languages and other things super quick. And gets real with a lot of what you need to learn and to what degree. The biggest issue people have is they don't understand when enough is enough and instead spend all this extra money and time... and this is one of the reasons people lose money and business vs those who make it. Learning when enough is enough is another one of those top gifts you can give yourself. This isn't about cutting corners or producing poor product. It is making it great without wasting resources that could be better spent on something else to maximize everything in life without causing unnecessary stress and worry and other negative things.

 

Make learning these skills your first top priority or "hobby", and the rest of it will be easy on anything you want to learn or do from now on. You can still do the other stuff too. Even small improvements make everything else easier. But those are the skills you want to start developing first. This is what will make you a non-stressed happy successful person and ahead of everyone else who still thinks Perfectionism is a good thing. It's an evil trap and its one you create and control.

Edited January 31, 2016 by natayah

[Jet Raptor]

Hello, friends. I just came really close to vomiting. o/

Ok, so upcoming medical things I need to take care of...is going to involve a lot of needles. At some point, I may end up having to self-inject instead of going in however often to have it done for me. I just watched a "tutorial" on Youtube (honestly can't remember how I got there, it wasn't even on my mind) and oh dear god(s) I genuinely felt faint just watching. I feel squeamish just knowing I have to go get a flu shot or whatever.

Anyone have any tips on getting over fears? Specifically those of the needle variety? It'd be nice to...not die every time I need to go see the doctor.

[Obscure_Trash]

Hello, friends. I just came really close to vomiting. o/

Ok, so upcoming medical things I need to take care of...is going to involve a lot of needles. At some point, I may end up having to self-inject instead of going in however often to have it done for me. I just watched a "tutorial" on Youtube (honestly can't remember how I got there, it wasn't even on my mind) and oh dear god(s) I genuinely felt faint just watching. I feel squeamish just knowing I have to go get a flu shot or whatever.

Anyone have any tips on getting over fears? Specifically those of the needle variety? It'd be nice to...not die every time I need to go see the doctor.

Urgh, I'm a terrible person to give advice on phobias because I used to have a phobia of dogs and I got over that basically by hunkering down and pretending I didn't have a fear until eventually the fear faded into just a fear and finally really did go away.

 

Different coping methods help different people, so you may have to experiment with different things, as well as doing multiple techniques. Whatever works best for you.

 

Breathing exercises can really help. Focus on taking long, slow, deep breaths in and out.

You could try the "Harry Potter" method and imagine your fear as something transformed that makes you more comfortable.

You can also work on "desensitizing" yourself to your fear by doing things such as watching needle videos or thinking about needles. Stay within reasonable limits for yourself, though. Don't push yourself. Stop when needed. Don't push yourself to watching until you actually do puke. Start with small, easy exposure and begin working your way up to longer exposures.

Perhaps try meditating for a short while everyday so that when you breathe through your fear, you can fall into a more relaxed state more easily.

Stop and evaluate your negative thoughts towards needles and address them reasonably as well as thinking of times you have had to face your fear and there were none of the negative consequences you fear may happen.

Finally, you can seek a therapist to help you deal and hopefully overcome your phobia.

[Lady_Lunevis]

i'm going to just reply directly instead of quote since i don't want to leave a huge message in the thread. ; u ;

 

@Sock - thank you so much for the reply!! <33 i'm definitely going to try setting time deadlines instead of a specific one, that sounds like it'd be way more effective O:

i suppose i have made progress as time goes on, but sometimes it gets hard for me to see what i've done compared to what i still have to do. thanks, i'll try making my goals smaller! ; u ; it just gets frustrating never being able to live up to this strange expectation i have of things, but i suppose that's something i'll try to work past on my own time.

thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed reply! <33

 

@natayah - oh man, i'm not sure how to reply to this, simply because i really don't have words. foremost, thank you. i've never actually heard of tim ferris but now i'm going to poke around his blog and other things just to see what it's like and what he does. and for your words, too--i suppose the one thing that always bothers me is that balance between becoming the kind of person that i want to be through working hard vs being self-destructive when things don't turn out 'perfect' enough.

i've never considered learning when enough is enough and when i should move on, and now that i think about, it's definitely something i should work on. i have a book on anatomy, but i've been stuck on the same two pages for more than a week now just because the muscles don't look exactly as they should line up or anything ... in hindsight, it seems a bit ridiculous, now.

 

i'm still going to struggle between leaving things as they are or insisting that they have to be perfect, but i'll work on it and pull up this thread anytime it becomes too bothersome. really, thanks for the advice, guys. <3 it's nice to get some outsider views on the whole thing and advice from others who are (presumably) older than me, and thus have more experience.

[Jet Raptor]

@Sock:

The "desensitizing" thing seems to be a popular route. I could give it a shot. Meditating and organizing my thoughts are two things I need to do more of in general. I often really over-think things.

I don't even know what it is about needles. It's not a fear of the object itself. My mom says she has pretty much the same thing I do. She said she gets sweaty going in for a flu shot.

About the therapist...I definitely need to see one about a number of different things, but I can't build up the courage to do so. I can't talk to people irl. I can barely talk to people online. As a result, I'm getting nowhere with things I desperately need to take care of.

Thanks for the advice, though, Sock. <3

 

@Lu:

Probably a bit late here, but I agree with the time thing. When I actually had time for myself before classes started back up, I would set time goals for myself. They started really broad. Like "study anatomy for x hours." I needed to narrow it down after a short while. Now it's more like "study the ribcage for x hours." I feel time deadlines aren't as...dragging as quantity deadlines. Don't know if that makes any sense.

I shouldn't be allowed on the internet when I'm half asleep.

[Omega Entity]

Ali - In regards to therapy, you'd be surprised how easy it can be to talk to them, especially since they're not someone to whom you have a personal connection - since you aren't spilling everything out to someone you feel close to, someone whose feelings and judgments you care more about since you see them day to day, it lends itself to being able to talk frankly. You need to be able to talk to someone. It's not healthy to keep everything inside.

 

If you do decide to give it a try, give it a fair shot - a month or two at the very least. You may find that the first therapist you go to isn't a good fit, and even the one that fits will sometimes tell you things you don't want to hear about yourself, but don't let it discourage you. Much like finding the right medication is for some people, it's very much a case of trial and error. You'll find the right one for you eventually!

[Aqub]

Maybe someone here can help? I don't know. Before I type anything else, know that my friend gave me permission to ask others about this.

 

A very good friend of mine is going through something kind of tough, and usually I know what to say and do to cheer my friends up, but this problem is beyond me and it makes me feel bad that I don't know how to help.

 

Here goes: My friend is in their 20's and lives with a roommate from another country. They used to date, but their roommate cheated on them a few years ago, which ended the relationship in my friend's mind, but apparently not in the roommate's. Now the roommate is asking my friend to marry them in a manner that seems very selfish and manipulative to me. The roommate doesn't see it as an important connection between two people like my friend does, instead, they just want to stay in the country.

 

My friend has told me they don't want to marry their roommate, and has told me many times before how unhappy their roommate makes them. (Even though now the roommate is being suspiciously nicer than they were a year ago.) But my friend also generally cares about their roommates feelings, and is scared of what will happen if they refuse to marry, because they told me their roommate really hates the country they come from.

 

I was told this is being rushed because the roommate's visa expires soon, and getting normal citizenship without marrying someone is too expensive and complicated. (Nice job America.)

 

So...yeah. Any advice on ways to help my buddy out?

[Omega Entity]

Under no circumstances should your friend marry that person. They are being extremely manipulative, and have already proven themselves extremely untrustworthy. If you friend goes through with it, then she will likely be miserable and regret it, while the roommate will get what they want.

 

Ask your friend this - are they willing to risk not being able to marry someone they actually love for so someone they don't seem to really even care for anymore can get their green card?

 

Make sure that your friend realizes that the marriage needs to last 2 years for residency restrictions to be lifted, and at least 3 for the roommate to be able to apply for citizenship. If you stop living together or get divorced before the initial residency restrictions are lifted (so, within the first two years), the roommate could still be deported anyway.

 

So in the end, is your friend able to stand being potentially miserable and put her romantic life on hold for at least two years?

[Lady_Lunevis]

@Lu:

Probably a bit late here, but I agree with the time thing. When I actually had time for myself before classes started back up, I would set time goals for myself. They started really broad. Like "study anatomy for x hours." I needed to narrow it down after a short while. Now it's more like "study the ribcage for x hours." I feel time deadlines aren't as...dragging as quantity deadlines. Don't know if that makes any sense.

I shouldn't be allowed on the internet when I'm half asleep.

ahh thank you so much!! <33 that made perfect sense, thank you. c: good luck with your classes! it can be so busy, dang :c

but really, thank you. <3 it helps to get input from others, especially other artists, bc it's such a common struggle and something i really wish i can work past, thank you. i'm definitely going to try the time deadlines instead of quality/quantity. c:

[Obscure_Trash]

Maybe someone here can help? I don't know. Before I type anything else, know that my friend gave me permission to ask others about this.

 

A very good friend of mine is going through something kind of tough, and usually I know what to say and do to cheer my friends up, but this problem is beyond me and it makes me feel bad that I don't know how to help.

 

Here goes: My friend is in their 20's and lives with a roommate from another country. They used to date, but their roommate cheated on them a few years ago, which ended the relationship in my friend's mind, but apparently not in the roommate's. Now the roommate is asking my friend to marry them in a manner that seems very selfish and manipulative to me. The roommate doesn't see it as an important connection between two people like my friend does, instead, they just want to stay in the country.

 

My friend has told me they don't want to marry their roommate, and has told me many times before how unhappy their roommate makes them. (Even though now the roommate is being suspiciously nicer than they were a year ago.) But my friend also generally cares about their roommates feelings, and is scared of what will happen if they refuse to marry, because they told me their roommate really hates the country they come from.

 

I was told this is being rushed because the roommate's visa expires soon, and getting normal citizenship without marrying someone is too expensive and complicated. (Nice job America.)

 

So...yeah. Any advice on ways to help my buddy out?

Look, it sucks for that person. Immigration to the US is hard. Gaining citizenship is hard. I get that.

 

But:

• Your friend and that person have already tried a relationship and it didn't work out.
• Not only did not not work out, that person did not show any respect to your friend by cheating on them. So it ended in a pretty terrible manner.
• This person makes your friend unhappy.

Immigration being hard doesn't make it okay to treat someone else like crap.

 

Everything you've described sends off warning signs. This sounds like a trap. I agree with you that it's selfish and manipulative. Your friend should get away from this person. This person being deported is probably a very, very good thing for your friend.

 

Tell your friend that it's okay to say no. Their health - mental health included - is important! They are allowed to take care of themselves. It's perfectly a-okay to care about their own well-being.

Try to stay supportive and don't get defensive or attack this person. We often care for people that are toxic to us. Attacking the person is likely to make your friend not listen to you. So stay in the supportive role and gently push them towards not marrying this person.

 

Marrying this person for a week isn't going to solve their deportation problem. Marrying this person means marrying this person. Getting stuck like that isn't going to make your friend any happier. Probably going to do exactly the opposite. Your friend deserves happiness.

[Aqub]

Thank you, Omega and Sock! I'll be sure to follow this great advice when the topic comes up again. c: It's good to know I'm not the only one seeing them getting married as a problem. v.v I don't think my friend would go through with it, because they seem very against the idea now, but the roommate has changed pretty strong opinions that my friend has had before, and I'm scared that will happen with this. Probablyhopefully not.

[MariotheAwesome]

I need some advice on what dragons I should get next.

 

Whatever dragons you want. It's your scroll. However, past Valentine dragons are only around for a week, so grab them now if you want any.

 

Please leave cave questions in the Help section or, if appropriate, Site Discussion.

Edited February 10, 2016 by SockPuppet Strangler

[georgexu94]

I need a Dragon Cave forum collective creativity. I want to occupy myself with a menial task that I can do while waiting. This includes waiting in line while standing, etc. i have a list of things to do while waiting sitting down, such as drawing, writing, playing shooting stars and tic tac toe on a scroll of paper. However, I cannot do these while standing, waiting for the train at the station.

 

I also need something to occupy myself while driving. But Not text messaging. That is unsafe. Something that can practise my mind.

[Obscure_Trash]

Doing something while driving sounds dangerous. Shouldn't your mind be on the road and what you're doing? And otherwise, isn't that what the radio/music is for?

 

Do you have any sort of 'smart' mobile? Plenty of free apps on those where you could do tic-tac-toe, drawing, etc.

[georgexu94]

Doing something while driving sounds dangerous. Shouldn't your mind be on the road and what you're doing? And otherwise, isn't that what the radio/music is for?

 

Do you have any sort of 'smart' mobile? Plenty of free apps on those where you could do tic-tac-toe, drawing, etc.

When I said I'd like some preoccupation while driving, I mean in traffic, obviously, not while moving. Well, I suppose the music solves that too.

 

I don't, or rather can't, download games in my phone. I tried that once and it helped me a ton in waiting in the MRT. However, my phone usually hangs. It has very low memory.

[Omega Entity]

Frankly, you shouldn't be doing anything distracting while driving at all, even if you're stopped at a light. You'd still get hit with a distracted driving ticket if caught.

 

If you're on the road, you're driving, whether you're actually moving or not. I'd be pissed if someone was distracted at a light and rammed into the back of my car because they didn't realize their foot had come off the brake.

 

Seriously, don't do it.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Omega Entity