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Syiren

How are you feeling?

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happy and tired.... it's my 18th birthday........ please.... don't sing xd.png

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!

 

Happy happy birthday, from all of us to you, we wish it was our birthday so we can party too! Happy happy birthday, may all your dreams come true, we wish it was our birthday so we can party too!

 

user posted image

 

Anyway, back on topic: Super sleepy but happy. smile.gif

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I'm in that weird state of mind where I'm bored, I have plenty to do, but I don't want to do anything.

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I'm in that weird state of mind where I'm bored, I have plenty to do, but I don't want to do anything.

I'm with you there, sister!

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Still numb, but at least not as sad. I found a book to read and I finished a class which is probably why I'm not as upset today.

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Nervous, scared, sad, confused, dying from heat holy carp.

I have a very important decision to make as soon as possible, but I CAN'T. I have no idea what to do.

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Feeling kind of tired, did a lot of grocery shopping and got to do some minor "heavy" lifting taking old, broken microwave out of the house and bringing in the new one.

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I recently had a breakup with my partner of about three and a half years. I met him online through a friend and fellow DC user, and after three months of having a long-distance connection, he moved to my hometown and we began to pursue a more traditional courtship. It involved introducing him the parents and doing charmingly quotidian activities like shopping for socks together at Walmart and arguing about whose turn it was to take the dog outside at 2am. It was very domestic and comfortable.

 

In this time, and the time leading up to it, I was dealing with a hell of a lot of health struggles. I hit the low point of my parabola of self-destruction with him and I've managed to claw myself back into an upward trajectory of self-improvement and continue the pursuit of health and happiness. I have a little insight, a little more wisdom, a little experience, and a better attitude. I am grateful for these things. Also my ex and I have agreed to stay in the house together and remain friends until the lease is up, so I'm not alone and things aren't greatly changed from how they were - we're just in separate rooms now, and we've set down some pretty firm boundaries of conduct.

 

I still can't help but feel I am taking this split way harder than I should. I've been doing so well lately, managing my illnesses and addictions. Since the breakup I've been drinking almost every night, though, and yesterday I made myself ill. I'm not usually a blackout drinker, and this was the first time I've ever drank so much that I've violently wretched and had the spins. This is the first time I've ever felt entirely out of control, and the first time I've ever experienced significant issues with memory recall after being intoxicated. It feels like a huge personal failing, and it's totally not what I'm about.

 

I may have also made a few clumsy romantic passes at old friends and solidified my status as being walking human trash.

 

I want to like myself, to respect myself, but there's this small, self-sabotaging part of me that feels like beating me up. Like I deserve some abuse. I am angry and afraid and hurting but trying to become removed enough from the situation to be objective. It's not so bad, and it's not the first breakup I've ever endured. I was engaged once, and I survived the dissolution of that relationship.

 

All of this is coalescing with this ineffably stupid validation-quest I've been on forever, and I've lost track of whose approval it is exactly that I'm looking for. I rationally grasp the concept that self-acceptance is a more powerful force in one's life than the momentary praise of another person, but I would sure love to hear some reassurance right now. Maybe nothing so grand as an "I'm proud of you, Amber," but something small from people that actually know me would be so welcome. I can't tell my family about the drinking or stupid choices I've made recently, though.

 

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

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I recently had a breakup with my partner of about three and a half years. I met him online through a friend and fellow DC user, and after three months of having a long-distance connection, he moved to my hometown and we began to pursue a more traditional courtship. It involved introducing him the parents and doing charmingly quotidian activities like shopping for socks together at Walmart and arguing about whose turn it was to take the dog outside at 2am. It was very domestic and comfortable.

 

In this time, and the time leading up to it, I was dealing with a hell of a lot of health struggles. I hit the low point of my parabola of self-destruction with him and I've managed to claw myself back into an upward trajectory of self-improvement and continue the pursuit of health and happiness.  I have a little insight, a little more wisdom, a little experience, and a better attitude. I am grateful for these things. Also my ex and I have agreed to stay in the house together and remain friends until the lease is up, so I'm not alone and things aren't greatly changed from how they were - we're just in separate rooms now, and we've set down some pretty firm boundaries of conduct.

 

I still can't help but feel I am taking this split way harder than I should. I've been doing so well lately, managing my illnesses and addictions. Since the breakup I've been drinking almost every night, though, and yesterday I made myself ill. I'm not usually a blackout drinker, and this was the first time I've ever drank so much that I've violently wretched and had the spins. This is the first time I've ever felt entirely out of control, and the first time I've ever experienced significant issues with memory recall after being intoxicated. It feels like a huge personal failing, and it's totally not what I'm about.

 

I may have also made a few clumsy romantic passes at old friends and solidified my status as being walking human trash.

 

I want to like myself, to respect myself, but there's this small, self-sabotaging part of me that feels like beating me up. Like I deserve some abuse. I am angry and afraid and hurting but trying to become removed enough from the situation to be objective. It's not so bad, and it's not the first breakup I've ever endured. I was engaged once, and I survived the dissolution of that relationship.

 

All of this is coalescing with this ineffably stupid validation-quest I've been on forever, and I've lost track of whose approval it is exactly that I'm looking for. I rationally grasp the concept that self-acceptance is a more powerful force in one's life than the momentary praise of another person, but I would sure love to hear some reassurance right now. Maybe nothing so grand as an "I'm proud of you, Amber," but something small from people that actually know me would be so welcome. I can't tell my family about the drinking or stupid choices I've made recently, though.

 

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I need some better words than "I'm sorry" but those don't exist for me that don't sound like... super cheesy. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you as well. And don't EVER call yourself walking human trash, because we all know that's not true no matter what other people might say.

 

But I'm mad at myself, I think I broke my foot at diving.

Edited by EmmaD333

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Wishing this dumb cold would go away already. dry.gif I was SO. Sick. during the week it wasn't funny. I'm feeling a little better today, but jeez, that was horrible. sad.gif

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Absolutely disgusted by what kind of sick maniacs live in my country. Some beast that calls itself a human being took three baby swans and cut off their wings with a surgical knife! I have no habit of saying this, but I hope he dies. Soon.

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My thighs are sore from trotting horses yesterday! Today I feel pretty good, although I wish it were cooler outside so I could do some running cool.gif

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I just submitted my first college application. I feel really weird.

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It's going to be the first day of school tomorrow, and I have an essay due tomorrow that I should have done during the summer... My head hurts and my mind is fuzzy, and I can feel my heart beating so fast I can't feel it anymore... Too much coffee is too much coffee @_@

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Absolutely sick to my stomach because of school tomorrow. The more I think about it the more I feel like I might hurl.

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I'm sick for almost ten days now. I can barely breathe because I caught a heavy cold, and I had a fever for three days before mum went to Copenhagen. She's worried sick and keeps calling both me and my sister to ask if I'm feeling better. I hate it when she's worried and I can't make her feel better. sad.gif And I could use some tea. I hope we have wild cherry left.

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I can hardly keep my eyes open, and I keep falling asleep at my desk. I'm so cold as well. sad.gif I just wanna go home.

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I have been coughing my lungs out for the past week and it's started affecting my sleep. So, tired - check, headache - check, chest pains - check, still coughing - double check. BUT I'M STILL ALIVE SO TAKE THAT UNIVERSE.

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