Polyamory

[hydrargyrum]

Well, since it's National Coming Out Day, I thought it would be fun to post in the poly thread, but discovered that there wasn't one. I'm aware that there's a polygamy thread, but I don't think it's really the same since not all poly relationships involve marriage. Also, there's a lot of negative history and connotation to the term polygamy, which I'd prefer to move away from.

 

Anyways, I'm poly! This thread can be used to discuss polyamorous relationships, raise awareness and acceptance, and things like that. The actual legality of multiple marriages is more suited to the polygamy thread.

 

I'm currently in a relationship with someone who is also dating someone else, often referred to as a V relationship (as opposed to a triad, where three people are dating each other; I'm not dating his other partner). I may date multiple people in the future, our relationship is not restricted, I just haven't found another person I'm interested in at the moment. I've only recently started actually dating non-monogamously, although I've been aware that I identified as poly for quite a few years. For me, it's an identity-even if I were dating someone who wasn't dating anyone else, I still feel like I'm a polyamorous person, regardless of situation. I think I could be monogamous for the right person, but I prefer polyamory.

 

I've come out to most of my family and friends, and pretty much everyone around me has been quite accepting, which has been a great comfort to me.

 

Anyone else involved in non-monogamous relationships?

[rainbowBLARGH]

I would absolutely love to! I've been out to my friends as a pansexual, polyamorous genderqueer for around a year or so, and had been in a poly relationship privately (my partners being the only ones to know) but that ended when we all split up. I can't for the life of me remember why, but we all just sort of went our separate ways.

 

I'm in a mono relationship now though, because my partner is a mono. I promised her I'd try to stay true to her alone because I really adore her.

[Xocowolf]

I'm a poly, twenty-two years on. I was in one in the Bay Area for about 12 years, then I moved away. Just recently joined a triad here in Oregon.

Easily the healthiest relationships I've been in. My partner has actually written a book about it, it's up on Amazon.

[rainbowBLARGH]

Good on you, Xocowolf!

People don't understand how a polyamorous relationship works, when I tell them about polyamory, because they seem to have problems grasping "sharing" a partner.

 

My girl has never been able to really think positively about it, but she's stated that down the road she may open up to "the idea". Honestly I don't know how mono couples survive after myself being in such a loving poly relationship!

[Anak]

I'm probably monogamous, but I'm certainly open to the idea that I could be in a polyamorous relationship in the future.

[Brotato]

I've indulged in Polyamory, I admit. And it was in fact a triad between myself and two bisexual girls. Sadly, my family are strictly Monogamous, and persistently kept butting in the way of my happiness. I ended up losing them as a result of my family's "interventions" and haven't been lucky enough to find a similar polyamorous relationship since.

 

Being heterosexual, it pretty much crossed off the option of having one with a bisexual man and woman, so what I had was so rare. So so rare and so wonderful for me.

 

So you'd probably understand I got really pissed at my folks for ruining it.

And I'm not just talking about the intimate moments I had with those girls either. We were the bestest of friends, those girls and I had a lot of common interests. They were pretty tomboyish, so we talked about quite literally anything shamelessly and openly. Literally anything was on the table when it came to activities. We were like a dream team. We even had plans to start a damn business at one point! But then, ughhh...

 

... I'd better stop here, I'm still sore about it.

 

Anyway, I don't judge polyamorists or polygamists. adultery, ofcouse, is a bad thing, but when it's all good between the participants, have at it. Good on you. I just wish mum and dad saw it like that.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Brotato

[Tazzay]

That's a shame your family had to intervene on a perfectly happy relationship of yours, Brotato :/ Sounds like you were very happy with your partner(s).

 

As for me, well - i'm open to the idea of polyamory. As a matter of fact i'm in a V-relationship between a bigender partner (who usually identifies as female, so i'll say she) and another guy, and so far we're pretty happy with each other. I'm great friends with the other guy, and we both adore our partner.

 

Though i'm wary of what my family think, truthfully. I'm thinking of just keeping that information from them for a while.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Tazzay

[rainbowBLARGH]

Oh, man. I've come to the conclusion that I am most likely never going to tell my mother about any of my non "straight" details. The only thing she realizes is that I am 100%, no nonsense backing of the LGBT community and intend to fight for it's safe acknowledgement around the house.

i.e., if my nephew comes out as gay or bisexual, I will persistently persuade my entire family that it isn't something to look down on him for.

 

It doesn't help all the silly things floating around about poly people. They must be freaky, sexual deviants! Don't let them around my kids! They'll probably molest them or teach them that being poly-amorous is okay!

[kitsune93]

I don't think I could ever be in a polyamorous relationship. I'm too much of a jealous and obsessive lover, it would never work. Luckily I have a partner who is the same way so it works out. But, my partner wanting to be with someone else is a deal breaker for me.

 

But, as long as everyone in the relationship knows about it and consents to it, there's nothing wrong with it. I just wouldn't want to participate.

 

[hydrargyrum]

When I first came out to my mom, she said she still accepted me, but needed some time to adjust to the idea. Pretty much the next day, she called me back and said that after thinking about it, she realized that if she had been in a different place in her life, she would probably be poly, too. It's been so good to have that acceptance, even to the point when I have hit some rough spots that she never belittled my choices. I'm so glad to have her acceptance; it's felt so good to be able to share this part of my life with people and to be accepted for it.

 

However, I haven't told my dad, mostly because of my mom's advice. She said that he probably wouldn't be very accepting, and encouraged me not to tell him. It's a little sad to feel like I can't share part of my life with him. I suppose if I become seriously involved with multiple people, I'll tell him someday, but that's not going to be anytime soon. Since I live far from my parents, it's unlikely he'll find out if I don't tell him.

 

It doesn't help all the silly things floating around about poly people. They must be freaky, sexual deviants! Don't let them around my kids! They'll probably molest them or teach them that being poly-amorous is okay!

One of the other common negative reactions I get (from strangers when online dating) is that being poly means that I'm OK with cheating. They will readily admit to hiding their account and dating activities from their spouse/partner, like I won't even mind that they're lying to someone who should be able to trust them. It's unfortunate how commonly adultery and consensual non-monogamy are treated as being comparable.

[pinkgothic]

\o/

 

I've fortunately literally never had any issues with the topic - not with my parents, not with relationships*, not with employers or co-workers... at most people were quite fascinated and badgered me with questions I'm happy to answer. I have fantastic news, though!

 

I recently got my employers to give me an extra month of vacation a year (unpaid at my own request) so I could spend the vacation for my two long-distance relationships without having to steal vacation time from my not-long-distance relationship. This is awesome! (Yes, my employers know the reason. I figured it would increase my chances if they knew why I wanted that ludicrous clause in my contract. I was right.)

 

 

The better solution would be for my long-distance relationships to stop being long-distance, of course. DX Oceans, y u so ocean?!

 

----

 

* okay, there was a tense time of a handful of months where my 'primary' relationship threatened to get possessive, since the man is a monogamous alpha and even getting together with me knowing that I'm polyamourous ended up confusing him a few years down the line, but we've worked through that.

[hydrargyrum]

Hmm, interesting and silly question for everyone... my partner and his other partner are planning their wedding. I have heard (and really like) the phrase "girl/boyfriend-in-law" to refer to a spouse's partner... but what would be the reciprocal, to refer to a partner's spouse? I know the technical/general term is metamour, which I like just fine, but I think partner-in-law is really cute, and I want a cute way to refer to my metamour.