Posted September 29, 2014 (edited) As for some critique... I suggest creating a map, at least a simple, clean sketch, labeling the dens and important areas. It just helps the roleplayers visualize the area easier. If not, you could always take a picture and label it (and give credit to the website for it). Also, I suggest creating an Allegiance, so Users don't have to read through all the requests. For Example: Alphas: Midnight, (roleplayer name) - (text color) Reserved/TBA Betas: .... So on, so forth, it doesn't have to be exactly like that. I also suggest putting this in Microsoft Word again, as you have a few spelling/grammar errors from your new updates. Also, what are the predators of the wolves? Humans? Bears? Edited September 29, 2014 by 20mia08 Share this post Link to post
Posted September 29, 2014 Updated rules and your suggestion. ^^Going to do the predators update later. I will also add the colors and a seeking post.(later) Make sure you inform me if your wolves are seeking mates, parents or siblings. Thanks. Share this post Link to post
Posted September 30, 2014 Alphas do actually lead the pack. Pups do not need be to be sorted into ranks, they will automatically go into a subordinate once of age. Omegas wolves are wolves who have betrayed the pack, offspring of wolves mating with loners, etc.. Share this post Link to post
Posted September 30, 2014 (edited) ^^o.k, I read this website that confused me. I just have pups as a rank so when they are of age they can be changed into that category. I have read multiple different sites on wolves,mand many have different facts.... My confusion.. National Geographic Wolf Behavior Wikipedia Check the websites above^^ I honestly think I will just have it the same, but have it be so that they do lead... Even though it's not very realistic.. Here is why: Interesting Information Edit: if everyone could please delete their critique, that would be nice. I don't want it filled with them when we start the RP. Unless you know I haven't edited from your critique, please delete you posts. Thanks Edited September 30, 2014 by EnchantingMiracle Share this post Link to post
Posted September 30, 2014 ^^o.k, I read this website that confused me. I just have pups as a rank so when they are of age they can be changed into that category. I have read multiple different sites on wolves,mand many have different facts.... My confusion.. National Geographic Wolf Behavior Wikipedia Check the websites above^^ I honestly think I will just have it the same, but have it be so that they do lead... Even though it's not very realistic.. Here is why: Interesting Information Edit: if everyone could please delete their critique, that would be nice. I don't want it filled with them when we start the RP. Unless you know I haven't edited from your critique, please delete you posts. Thanks The thread will be cleaned once it has been approved... Share this post Link to post
Posted September 30, 2014 For predators of wolves... Er... Only humans actively hunt for wolves. Bears tend to ignore them/avoid them for the most part and vice versa unless they're really hungry/get too close. But if there aren't any elk/deer whatever in the area, there most likely won't be any bears. Wolves have to hunt with other wolves to take down elk or bears (but one or more would most likely get killed if going after the latter). Coyotes do steal prey from wolves though, like rabbits and stuff. I'm saying all this from what I believe I've read so some of it might be untrue/inaccurate. Share this post Link to post
Posted September 30, 2014 In the main post's storyline you said Midnight got pregnant with her first litter. I know it's a typo, but it bugged me to the extent of me having to tell you. Share this post Link to post
Posted September 30, 2014 (edited) Ok. Tiga So much to read right now I will correct the main story now... Edit: I mainly had the reason be because she was jealous of how popular Midnihgt was, and because she became leader, but the RPer who takes her can change it and add their own idea I just need to accept it Edited October 1, 2014 by EnchantingMiracle Share this post Link to post
Posted October 2, 2014 (edited) Yes, of course Mya The sister is taken, so just make sure you know that c: Edited October 2, 2014 by EnchantingMiracle Share this post Link to post
Posted October 2, 2014 Be sure to add Nuntis' character sheet, since you said to take a look at her. Also, run this through Microsoft Word or something alike again, there is still quite a few errors in punctuation, spelling, and grammar. Share this post Link to post
Posted October 2, 2014 (edited) I need you to send it again... My internet shut down and I couldn't post her sheet in... I kind of deleted your message with her sheet as well .-. Edited October 2, 2014 by EnchantingMiracle Share this post Link to post
Posted October 2, 2014 Alright, sent. Be sure to fix those errors! ^.^ Also, may I suggest adding a rank for expecting females, such as "Mothers"? It'll keep the Allegiance more organized. Share this post Link to post
Posted October 2, 2014 (edited) Thank you, I will check over it right now. Also adding the mothers and Nuntis's character sheet Alright, I entered it into a Word document and I didn't see any errors, other than it not recognizing names and "roleplay" If you see any errors please quote them below, thanks It will help me so much Edited October 2, 2014 by EnchantingMiracle Share this post Link to post
Posted October 2, 2014 Sometimes they don't check up, that's why you click spell-check. The pack had been lead by Kiki and Sun Midnights parents "lead" should be "led", and Midnights is possessive, meaning it should be "Midnight's" hough her mothers fur was a lighter black There isn't such a thing as a "lighter black", this should be "dark gray". Also, again, possessive, "mothers" should be "mother's". . The harsh winter had take. It's toll on the pack ?? I believe it should be "had taken it's toll", I think you just put a period in place of the "n". "it's" should also be "its". cave is at he base of the mountain "the", not "he" Pictures for appearance must be linked. ( use the http button in the code buttons sections, and paste the link, then enter the name of your wolf where it says "my webpage" ) There shouldn't be a space in between the parenthesis and the "u" in "use". The "u" should also be capitalized. At the end of the parenthesis, remove the space between the ending parenthesis and the quotation mark. Make characters realistic, and keep to their personality. (be the character smile.gif ) Capitalize the "b" in "be". Hope this helps!~ Share this post Link to post
Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) Many wolves attempted to attack them while they were weak with sickness, but both Midnight and Nuntis fought them off. The fateful day came Which wolves? You said later on that there is no enemy packs or wolves, did the own wold pack turn on them? And how can just two wolves fight them off? Shouldn't the whole pack fight them? The wolves disliked her, knowing she was young and inexperienced, and they feared they would go hungry within months, or even weeks, of they didn't take action soon. No comma after inexperienced. of --> if behind their alphas back alphas --> alpha's Their stillborn sun had been a dark grey, creating a mix of their pelts. sun --> son Midnight took after her mother, though her mothers fur was a lighter black. Nuntis took after her father with her golden-white coat, and this makes strangers unaware that Midnight and her sister are related, because of their drastically opposite appearances. To: Midnight took after Kiki while Nuntis had Sun's coat. This makes strangers unaware that Midnight and Nuntis are related because of their drastically different colored coats. Why would there be strangers? There are no enemy packs here... Midnight ignored her grief for the better of the clan, and she has taken over leadership well for her young age. clan --> pack How could she have taken leadership well despite her age? Later on it says that the wolves didn't like her because she was young and inexperienced. Also, any creature can't just simply ignore a death of someone in their family, especially both their parents. Having her ignore their death seems a bit Mary Sue... Their prey consists of: Squirrels, birds, deer, fish, and rabbits. You don't need to capitalize the "s" in squirrels. You should add "Mothers" to the rank section since you have it in the taken ranks section. Helpful Information Add a : to the end to keep everything consistent. Edited October 3, 2014 by Tiga Share this post Link to post
Posted October 3, 2014 but with less food and none if the summer delicacies available to them if -> of _______________________________________________________________________ It's been 2 weeks already! Are we gonna start? Share this post Link to post
Posted October 3, 2014 Please be patient, this can take along time. This role play has to be approved first. Share this post Link to post
Posted October 3, 2014 Please be patient, this can take along time. This role play has to be approved first. not necessarily, in the rules it says: If your RP has been in this section for more than two weeks, you can begin RPing in it. That's right folks. We are going to let you RP in the unapproved section~ (aaksjdfksjhdfbgj) Please refrain from RPing in your RP if it is less than two weeks old. Plus, I was just joking. I know how long these things take. Share this post Link to post
Posted October 3, 2014 but with less food and none if the summer delicacies available to them if -> of _______________________________________________________________________ It's been 2 weeks already! Are we gonna start? You are allowed to roleplay after two weeks of approval, but many roleplays that have done that don't usually work out well, I recommend until this is approved. Share this post Link to post
Posted October 3, 2014 Do people not know what joking means? I was simply ninja'ed by you. Do you not need to get fire duo by such simple little things. Share this post Link to post
Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) O.k everyone, I do not plan on starting it until it is approved Please refrain from arguing over the matter I am correcting the mistakes right niw I have been stressed and tired lately, so I apologize for not doing it sooner Thanks for understanding, everyone Edit: Koala, if you could please delete that first post you did, I would appreciate it I need to use that second post so I can post a seeking post any suggestions for addictions would be welcome I might move the map down there or change how I have it set up, but yeah :3 Edited October 3, 2014 by EnchantingMiracle Share this post Link to post
Posted October 3, 2014 den and do not hunt,while mothers hunt,while --> hunt, while There's also a few mistakes in your Character Sheets for Midnight and your Omega. Also, when this is approved, I believe all of these posts are deleted (besides your main post), so if you're on when this approved, you may be able to put a "reserved" post in. Share this post Link to post
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